00:0001,01[A ]| 02:0001,02[A ]| 02:0001,03[A ]| 02:0001,04[A ]| 02:0001,05[A ]| 02:0001,06[A ]| 02:0001,07[A ]| 02:0001,08[A ]| 02:0001,09[A ]| 02:0001,10@@@@@| 02:0001,11[A ]| I SHALL SOON BE$1$ QUITE DEAD AT LAST IN SPITE OF ALL. Perhaps 02:0001,12[A ]| next month. Then it will be$1$ the month of April or of 02:0001,13[A ]| May. For the year is still young, a thousand little signs tell me 02:0001,14[A ]| so. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps I shall survive Saint John the 02:0001,15[A ]| Baptist's Day and even the Fourteenth of July, festival of 02:0001,16[A ]| freedom. Indeed I would not put it past me to$9$ pant on to$4$ the 02:0001,17[A ]| Transfiguration, not to$9$ speak of the Assumption. But I do not 02:0001,18[A ]| think so, I do not think I am wrong in saying that these rejoicings 02:0001,19[A ]| will take place in my absence, this year. I have that 02:0001,20[A ]| feeling, I have had it now for some days, and I credit it. But 02:0001,21[A ]| in what does it differ from those that have abused me ever since 02:0001,22[A ]| I was born? No, that is the kind of bait I do not rise to$4$ any 02:0001,23[A ]| more, my need for prettiness is gone. I could die to-day, if I 02:0001,24[A ]| wished, merely by making a little effort, if I could wish, if I 02:0001,25[A ]| could make a effort. But it is just as well to$9$ let myself die, 02:0001,26[A ]| quietly, without rushing things. Something must have$1$ changed. 02:0001,27[A ]| I will not weigh upon the balance any more, one way or the 02:0001,28[A ]| other. I shall be$1$ neutral and inert. No difficulty there. Throes 02:0001,29[A ]| are the only trouble, I must be$1$ on my guard against throes. But 02:0001,30[A ]| I am less given to$4$ them now, since coming here. Of course I 02:0001,31[A ]| still have my little fits of impatience, from time to$4$ time, I must 02:0001,32[A ]| be$1$ on my guard against them, for the next fortnight or three 02:0001,33[A ]| weeks. Without exaggeration to$9$ be$1$ sure, quietly crying and 02:0001,34[A ]| laughing, without working myself up into a state. Yes, I shall 02:0001,35[A ]| be$1$ natural at last, I shall suffer more, then less, without drawing 02:0001,36[A ]| any conclusions, I shall pay less heed to$4$ myself, I shall be$1$ 02:0001,37[A ]| neither hot nor cold any more, I shall be$1$ tepid, I shall die tepid, 02:0001,38[A ]| without enthusiasm. I shall not watch myself die, that would 02:0002,01[A ]| spoil everything. Have I watched myself live? Have I ever 02:0002,02[A ]| complained? Then why rejoice now? I am content, necessarily, 02:0002,03[A ]| but not to$4$ the point of clapping my hands. I was always content, 02:0002,04[A ]| knowing I would be$1$ repaid. There he is now, my old debtor. 02:0002,05[A ]| Shall I then fall on his neck? I shall not answer any more 02:0002,06[A ]| questions. I shall even try not to$9$ ask myself any more. While 02:0002,07[A ]| waiting I shall tell myself stories, if I can. They will not be$1$ 02:0002,08[A ]| the same kind of stories as hitherto, that is all. They will be$1$ 02:0002,09[A ]| neither beautiful nor ugly, they will be$1$ calm, there will be$1$ no 02:0002,10[A ]| ugliness or beauty or fever in them any more, they will be$1$ 02:0002,11[A ]| almost lifeless, like the teller. What was that I said? It does 02:0002,12[A ]| not matter. I look forward to$4$ their giving me great satisfaction, 02:0002,13[A ]| some satisfaction. I am satisfied, there, I have enough, I am 02:0002,14[A ]| repaid, I need nothing more. Let me say$1$ before I go any further 02:0002,15[A ]| that I forgive nobody. I wish them all a atrocious life and then 02:0002,16[A ]| the fires and ice of hell and in the execrable generations to$9$ come 02:0002,17[A ]| a honoured name. Enough for this evening. 02:0002,18[A ]| 02:0002,19[A ]| 02:0002,20[A ]| This time I know where I am going, it is no longer the ancient 02:0002,21[A ]| night, the recent night. Now it is a game, I am going to$9$ play. 02:0002,22[A ]| I never knew how to$9$ play, till now. I longed to$9$, but I knew 02:0002,23[A ]| it was impossible. And yet I often tried. I turned on all the 02:0002,24[A ]| lights, I took a good look all round, I began to$9$ play with what 02:0002,25[A ]| I saw. People and things ask nothing better than to$9$ play, certain 02:0002,26[A ]| animals too. All went well at first, they all came to$4$ me, pleased 02:0002,27[A ]| that someone should want to$9$ play with them. If I said, Now I 02:0002,28[A ]| need a hunchback, immediately one came running, proud as 02:0002,29[A ]| punch of his fine hunch that was going to$9$ perform. It did not 02:0002,30[A ]| occur to$4$ him that I might have$1$ to$9$ ask him to$9$ undress. But it 02:0002,31[A ]| was not long before I found myself alone, in the dark. That is 02:0002,32[A ]| why I gave up trying to$9$ play and took to$4$ myself for*ever 02:0002,33[A ]| shapelessness 02:0002,34[A ]| and speechlessness, incurious wondering, darkness, long 02:0002,35[A ]| stumbling with outstretched arms, hiding. Such is the earnestness 02:0002,36[A ]| from which, for nearly a century now, I have never been able to$9$ 02:0002,37[A ]| depart. From now on it will be$1$ different. I shall never do$1$ anything 02:0003,01[A ]| any more from now on but play. No, I must not begin 02:0003,02[A ]| with a exaggeration. But I shall play a great part of the time, 02:0003,03[A ]| from now on, the greater part, if I can. But perhaps I shall not 02:0003,04[A ]| succeed any better than hitherto. Perhaps as hitherto I shall 02:0003,05[A ]| find myself abandoned, in the dark, without anything to$9$ play 02:0003,06[A ]| with. Then I shall play with myself. To$9$ have$1$ been able to$9$ 02:0003,07[A ]| conceive such a plan is encouraging. 02:0003,08[A ]| I must have$1$ thought about my time-table during the night. 02:0003,09[A ]| I think I shall be$1$ able to$9$ tell myself four stories, each one on 02:0003,10[A ]| a different theme. One about a man, another about a woman, 02:0003,11[A ]| a third about a thing and finally one about a animal, a bird 02:0003,12[A ]| probably. I think that is everything. Perhaps I shall put the 02:0003,13[A ]| man and the woman in the same story, there is so little difference 02:0003,14[A ]| between a man and a woman, between mine I mean. Perhaps 02:0003,15[A ]| I shall not have$1$ time to$9$ finish. On the other hand perhaps I 02:0003,16[A ]| shall finish too soon. There I am back at my old aporetics. Is 02:0003,17[A ]| that the word? I do not know. It does not matter if I do not 02:0003,18[A ]| finish. But if I finish too soon ? That does not matter either. 02:0003,19[A ]| For then I shall speak of the things that remain in my possession, 02:0003,20[A ]| that is a thing I have always wanted to$9$ do$1$. It will be$1$ a kind of 02:0003,21[A ]| inventory. In any case that is a thing I must leave to$4$ the very 02:0003,22[A ]| last moment, so as to$9$ be$1$ sure of not having made a mistake. 02:0003,23[A ]| In any case that is a thing I shall certainly do$1$, no matter what 02:0003,24[A ]| happens. It will not take me more than a quarter of a hour at 02:0003,25[A ]| the most. That is to$9$ say$1$ it could take me longer, if I wished. 02:0003,26[A ]| But should I be$1$ short of time, at the last moment, then a brief 02:0003,27[A ]| quarter of a hour would be$1$ all I should need to$9$ draw up my 02:0003,28[A ]| inventory. My desire is henceforward to$9$ be$1$ clear, without being 02:0003,29[A ]| finical. I have always wanted that too. It is obvious I may suddenly 02:0003,30[A ]| expire, at any moment. Would it not then be$1$ better for 02:0003,31[A ]| me to$9$ speak of my possessions without further delay? Would 02:0003,32[A ]| not that be$1$ wiser? And then if necessary at the last moment 02:0003,33[A ]| correct any inaccuracies. That is what reason counsels. But 02:0003,34[A ]| reason has not much hold on me, just now. All things run 02:0003,35[A ]| together to$9$ encourage me. But can I really resign myself to$4$ the 02:0003,36[A ]| possibility of my dying without leaving a inventory behind? 02:0004,01[A ]| There I am back at my old quibbles. Presumably I can, since 02:0004,02[A ]| I intend to$9$ take the risk. All my life long I have put off this 02:0004,03[A ]| reckoning, saying, Too soon, too soon. Well it is still too soon. 02:0004,04[A ]| All my life long I have dreamt of the moment when, edified at 02:0004,05[A ]| last, in so far as one can be$1$ before all is lost, I might draw the 02:0004,06[A ]| line and make the tot. This moment seems now at hand. I shall 02:0004,07[A ]| not lose my head on that account. So first of all my stories and 02:0004,08[A ]| then, last of all, if all goes well, my inventory. And I shall 02:0004,09[A ]| begin, that they may plague me no more, with the man and 02:0004,10[A ]| woman. That will be$1$ the first story, there is not matter there 02:0004,11[A ]| for two. There will therefore be$1$ only three stories after all, that 02:0004,12[A ]| one, then the one about the animal, then the one about the thing, 02:0004,13[A ]| a stone probably. That is all very clear. Then I shall deal with 02:0004,14[A ]| my possessions. If after all that I am still alive I shall take the 02:0004,15[A ]| necessary steps to$9$ ensure my not having made a mistake. So 02:0004,16[A ]| much for that. I used not to$9$ know where I was going, but I 02:0004,17[A ]| knew I would arrive, I knew there would be$1$ a end to$4$ the long 02:0004,18[A ]| blind road. What half-truths, my God. No matter. It is playtime 02:0004,19[A ]| now. I find it hard to$9$ get used to$4$ that idea. The old fog calls. 02:0004,20[A ]| Now the case is reversed, the way well charted and little hope 02:0004,21[A ]| of coming to$4$ its end. But I have high hopes. What am I doing 02:0004,22[A ]| now, I wonder, losing time or gaining it? I have also decided 02:0004,23[A ]| to$9$ remind myself briefly of my present state before embarking on 02:0004,24[A ]| my stories. I think this is a mistake. It is a weakness. But I shall 02:0004,25[A ]| indulge in it. I shall play with all the more ardour afterwards. 02:0004,26[A ]| And it will be$1$ a pendant to$4$ the inventory. Aesthetics are therefore 02:0004,27[A ]| on my side, at least a certain kind of aesthetics. For I shall have$1$ 02:0004,28[A ]| to$9$ become earnest again to$9$ be$1$ able to$9$ speak of my possessions. 02:0004,29[A ]| There it is then divided into five, the time that remains. Into 02:0004,30[A ]| five what? I do not know. Everything divides into itself, I suppose. 02:0004,31[A ]| If I start trying to$9$ think again I shall make a mess of my decease. 02:0004,32[A ]| I must say$1$ there is something very attractive about such a 02:0004,33[A ]| prospect. But I am on my guard. For the past few days I have 02:0004,34[A ]| been finding something attractive about everything. To$9$ return 02:0004,35[A ]| to$4$ the five. Present state, three stories, inventory, there. a 02:0004,36[A ]| occasional interlude is to$9$ be$1$ feared. A full programme. I shall 02:0005,01[A ]| not deviate from it any further than I must. So much for that. 02:0005,02[A ]| I feel I am making a great mistake. No matter. 02:0005,03[A ]| 02:0005,04@@@@@| 02:0005,05[A ]| Present state. This room seems to$9$ be$1$ mine. I can find no 02:0005,06[A ]| other explanation to$4$ my being left in it. All this time. Unless 02:0005,07[A ]| it be at the behest of one of the powers that be. That is hardly 02:0005,08[A ]| likely. Why should the powers have$1$ changed in their attitude 02:0005,09[A ]| towards me? It is better to$9$ adopt the simplest explanation, even 02:0005,10[A ]| if it is not simple, even if it does not explain very much. A 02:0005,11[A ]| bright light is not necessary, a taper is all one needs to$9$ live in 02:0005,12[A ]| strangeness, if it faithfully burns. Perhaps I came in for the 02:0005,13[A ]| room on the death of whoever was in it before me. I enquire 02:0005,14[A ]| no further in any case. It is not a room in a hospital, or in a 02:0005,15[A ]| madhouse, I can feel that. I have listened at different hours 02:0005,16[A ]| of the day and night and never heard anything suspicious or 02:0005,17[A ]| unusual, but always the peaceful sounds of men at large, getting 02:0005,18[A ]| up, lying down, preparing food, coming and going, weeping 02:0005,19[A ]| and laughing, or nothing at all, no sounds at all. And when I look 02:0005,20[A ]| out of the window it is clear to$4$ me, from certain signs, that I 02:0005,21[A ]| am not in a house of rest in any sense of the word. No, this is 02:0005,22[A ]| just a plain private room apparently, in what appears to$9$ be$1$ a 02:0005,23[A ]| plain ordinary house. I do not remember how I got here. In 02:0005,24[A ]| a ambulance perhaps, a vehicle of some kind certainly. One 02:0005,25[A ]| day I found myself here, in the bed. Having probably lost 02:0005,26[A ]| consciousness somewhere, I benefit by a hiatus in my recollections, 02:0005,27[A ]| not to$9$ be$1$ resumed until I recovered my senses, in this 02:0005,27[A ]| bed. As to$4$ the events that led up to$4$ my fainting and to$4$ which 02:0005,29[A ]| I can hardly have$1$ been oblivious, at the time, they have left 02:0005,30[A ]| no discernible trace, on my mind. But who has not experienced 02:0005,31[A ]| such lapses? They are common after drunkenness. I have often 02:0005,32[A ]| amused myself with trying to$9$ invent them, those same lost 02:0005,33[A ]| events. But without succeeding in amusing myself really. But 02:0005,34[A ]| what is the last thing I remember, I could start from there, 02:0005,35[A ]| before I came to$4$ my senses again here? That too is lost. I was 02:0005,36[A ]| walking certainly, all my life I have been walking, except the 02:0006,01[A ]| first few months and since I have been here. But at the end of 02:0006,02[A ]| the day I did not know where I had been or what my thoughts 02:0006,03[A ]| had been. What then could I be$1$ expected to$9$ remember, and 02:0006,04[A ]| with what? I remember a mood. My young days were more 02:0006,05[A ]| varied, such as they come back to$4$ me, in fits and starts. I did 02:0006,06[A ]| not know my way about so well then. I have lived in a kind of 02:0006,07[A ]| coma. The loss of consciousness for me was never any great 02:0006,08[A ]| loss. But perhaps I was stunned with a blow, on the head, in 02:0006,09[A ]| a forest perhaps, yes, now that I speak of a forest I vaguely 02:0006,10[A ]| remember a forest. All that belongs to$4$ the past. Now it is the 02:0006,11[A ]| present I must establish, before I am avenged. It is a ordinary 02:0006,12[A ]| room. I have little experience of rooms, but this one seems 02:0006,13[A ]| quite ordinary to$4$ me. The truth is, if I did not feel myself dying, 02:0006,14[A ]| I could well believe myself dead, expiating my sins, or in one 02:0006,15[A ]| of heaven's mansions. But I feel at last that the sands are running 02:0006,16[A ]| out, which would not be$1$ the case if I were in heaven, or in 02:0006,17[A ]| hell. Beyond the grave, the sensation of being beyond the grave 02:0006,18[A ]| was stronger with me six months ago. Had it been foretold to$4$ 02:0006,19[A ]| me that one day I should feel myself living as I do to-day, I 02:0006,20[A ]| should have$1$ smiled. It would not have$1$ been noticed, but I 02:0006,21[A ]| would have$1$ known I was smiling. I remember them well, these 02:0006,22[A ]| last few days, they have left me more memories than the thirty 02:0006,23[A ]| thousand odd that went before. The reverse would have$1$ been 02:0006,24[A ]| less surprising. When I have completed my inventory, if my 02:0006,25[A ]| death is not ready for me then, I shall write my memoirs. That is 02:0006,26[A ]| funny, I have made a joke. No matter. There is a cupboard I 02:0006,27[A ]| have never looked into. My possessions are in a corner, in a 02:0006,28[A ]| little heap. With my long stick I can rummage in them, draw 02:0006,29[A ]| them to$4$ me, send them back. My bed is by the window. I lie 02:0006,30[A ]| turned towards it most of the time. I see roofs and sky, a glimpse 02:0006,31[A ]| of street too, if I crane. I do not see any fields or hills. And 02:0006,32[A ]| yet they are near. But are they near? I do not know. I do not 02:0006,33[A ]| see the sea either, but I hear it when it is high. I can see into 02:0006,34[A ]| a room of the house across the way. Queer things go on there 02:0006,35[A ]| sometimes, people are queer. Perhaps these are abnormal. They 02:0006,36[A ]| must see me too, my big shaggy head up against the window-pane. 02:0007,01[A ]| I never had so much hair as now, nor so long, I say it 02:0007,02[A ]| without fear of contradiction. But at night they do not see me, 02:0007,03[A ]| for I never have a light. I have studied the stars a little here. 02:0007,04[A ]| But I can not find my way about among them. Gazing at them 02:0007,05[A ]| one night I suddenly saw myself in London. Is it possible I got 02:0007,06[A ]| as far as London? And what have stars to$9$ do$1$ with that city? 02:0007,07[A ]| The moon on the other hand has grown familiar, I am well 02:0007,08[A ]| familiar now with her$2$ changes of aspect and orbit, I know more 02:0007,09[A ]| or less the hours of the night when I may look for her$6$ in the 02:0007,10[A ]| sky and the nights when she will not come. What else? The 02:0007,11[A ]| clouds. They are varied, very varied. And all sorts of birds. 02:0007,12[A ]| They come and perch on the window-sill, asking for food! It 02:0007,13[A ]| is touching. They rap on the window-pane, with their beaks. 02:0007,14[A ]| I never give them anything. But they still come. What are they 02:0007,15[A ]| waiting for? They are not vultures. Not only am I left here, 02:0007,16[A ]| but I am looked after! This is how it is done now. The door 02:0007,17[A ]| half opens, a hand puts a dish on the little table left there for 02:0007,18[A ]| that purpose, takes away the dish of the previous day, and the 02:0007,19[A ]| door closes again. This is done for me every day, at the same 02:0007,20[A ]| time probably. When I want to$9$ eat I hook the table with my 02:0007,21[A ]| stick and draw it to$4$ me. It is on castors, it comes squeaking 02:0007,22[A ]| and lurching towards me. When I need it no longer I send it 02:0007,23[A ]| back to$4$ its place by the door. It is soup. They must know I am 02:0007,24[A ]| toothless. I eat it one time out of two, out of three, on a 02:0007,25[A ]| average. When my chamber-pot is full I put it on the table, 02:0007,26[A ]| beside the dish. Then I go twenty-four hours without a pot. 02:0007,27[A ]| No, I have two pots. They have thought of everything. I am 02:0007,28[A ]| naked in the bed, in the blankets, whose number I increase and 02:0007,29[A ]| diminish as the seasons come and go. I am never hot, never 02:0007,30[A ]| cold. I do not wash, but I do not get dirty. If I get dirty somewhere 02:0007,31[A ]| I rub the part with my finger wet with spittle. What 02:0007,32[A ]| matters is to$9$ eat and excrete. Dish and pot, dish and pot, these 02:0007,33[A ]| are the poles. In the beginning it was different. The woman 02:0007,34[A ]| came right into the room, bustled about, enquired about my 02:0007,35[A ]| needs, my wants. I succeeded in the end in getting them into 02:0007,36[A ]| her$2$ head, my needs and my wants. It was not easy. She did 02:0008,01[A ]| not understand. Until the day I found the terms, the accents, 02:0008,02[A ]| that fitted her$6$. All that must be$1$ half imagination. It was she 02:0008,03[A ]| who got me this long stick. It has a hook at one end. Thanks to$4$ 02:0008,04[A ]| it I can control the furthest recesses of my abode. How great 02:0008,05[A ]| is my debt to$4$ sticks! So great that I almost forget the blows 02:0008,06[A ]| they have transferred to$4$ me. She is a old woman. I do not 02:0008,07[A ]| know why she is good to$4$ me. Yes, let us call it goodness, without 02:0008,08[A ]| quibbling. For her$6$ it is certainly goodness. I believe her$6$ to$9$ be$1$ 02:0008,09[A ]| even older than I. But rather less well preserved, in spite of 02:0008,10[A ]| her$2$ mobility. Perhaps she goes with the room, in a manner of 02:0008,11[A ]| speaking. In that case she does not call for separate study. But 02:0008,12[A ]| it is conceivable that she does what she does out of sheer charity, 02:0008,13[A ]| or moved with regard to$4$ me by a less general feeling of compassion 02:0008,14[A ]| or affection. Nothing is impossible, I can not keep on 02:0008,15[A ]| denying it much longer. But it is more convenient to$9$ suppose 02:0008,16[A ]| that when I came in for the room I came in for her$6$ too. All I 02:0008,17[A ]| see of her$6$ now is the gaunt hand and part of the sleeve. Not 02:0008,18[A ]| even that, not even that. Perhaps she is dead, having predeceased 02:0008,19[A ]| me, perhaps now it is another's hand that lays and clears my 02:0008,20[A ]| little table. I do not know how long I have been here, I must 02:0008,21[A ]| have$1$ said so. All I know is that I was very old already before 02:0008,22[A ]| I found myself here. I call myself a octogenarian, but I can not 02:0008,23[A ]| prove it. Perhaps I am only a quinquagenarian, or a quadragenarian. 02:0008,24[A ]| It is ages since I counted them, my years I mean. 02:0008,25[A ]| I know the year of my birth, I have not forgotten that, but I 02:0008,26[A ]| do not know what year I have got to$4$ now. But I think I have 02:0008,27[A ]| been here for some very considerable time. For there is nothing 02:0008,28[A ]| the various seasons can do$1$ to$4$ me, within the shelter of these 02:0008,29[A ]| walls, that I do not know. That is not to$9$ be$1$ learnt in one year 02:0008,30[A ]| or two. In a flicker of my lids whole days have flown. Does 02:0008,31[A ]| anything remain to$9$ be$1$ said? A few words about myself perhaps. 02:0008,32[A ]| My body is what is called, unadvisedly perhaps, impotent. There 02:0008,33[A ]| is virtually nothing it can do$1$. Sometimes I miss not being able 02:0008,34[A ]| to$9$ crawl around any more. But I am not much given to$4$ nostalgia. 02:0008,35[A ]| My arms, once they are in position, can exert a certain force. 02:0008,36[A ]| But I find it hard to$9$ guide them. Perhaps the red nucleus has 02:0009,00[A ]| faded. I tremble a little, but only a little. The groaning of the 02:0009,00[A ]| bedstead is part of my life, I would not like it to$9$ cease, I mean 02:0009,00[A ]| I would not like it to$9$ decrease. It is on my back, that is to$9$ say$1$ 02:0009,00[A ]| prostrate, no, supine, that I feel best, least bony. I lie on my 02:0009,00[A ]| back, but my cheek is on the pillow. I have only to$9$ open my 02:0009,00[A ]| eyes to$9$ have$1$ them begin again, the sky and smoke of mankind. 02:0009,00[A ]| My sight and hearing are very bad, on the vast main no light 02:0009,00[A ]| but reflected gleams. All my senses are trained full on me, me. 02:0009,00[A ]| Dark and silent and stale, I am no prey for them. I am far from 02:0009,00[A ]| the sounds of blood and breath, immured. I shall not speak of 02:0009,00[A ]| my sufferings. Cowering deep down among them I feel nothing. 02:0009,00[A ]| It is there I die, unbeknown to$4$ my stupid flesh. That which is 02:0009,00[A ]| seen, that which cries and writhes, my witless remains. Somewhere 02:0009,00[A ]| in this turmoil thought struggles on, it too wide of the 02:0009,00[A ]| mark. It too seeks me, as it always has, where I am not to$9$ be$1$ 02:0009,00[A ]| found. It too can not be$1$ quiet. On others let it wreak its dying 02:0009,00[A ]| rage, and leave me in peace. Such would seem to$9$ be$1$ my present 02:0009,00[A ]| state. 02:0009,00@@@@@| 02:0009,00[A ]| The man's name is Saposcat. Like his father's. Christian 02:0009,00[A ]| name? I do not know. He will not need one. His friends call him 02:0009,00[A ]| Sapo. What friends? I do not know. A few words about the boy. 02:0009,00[A ]| This can not be$1$ avoided. 02:0009,00[A ]| He was a precocious boy. He was not good at his lessons, 02:0009,00[A ]| neither could he see the use of them. He attended his classes 02:0009,00[A ]| with his mind elsewhere, or blank. 02:0009,00[A ]| 02:0009,00[A ]| He attended his classes with his mind elsewhere. He liked 02:0009,00[A ]| sums, but not the way they were taught. What he liked was the 02:0009,00[A ]| manipulation of concrete numbers. All calculation seemed to$4$ 02:0009,00[A ]| him idle in which the nature of the unit was not specified. He 02:0009,00[A ]| made a practice, alone and in company, of mental arithmetic. 02:0009,00[A ]| And the figures then marshalling in his mind thronged it with 02:0009,00[A ]| colours and with forms. 02:0009,00[A ]| 02:0009,00[A ]| What tedium. 02:0010,00[A ]| He was the eldest child of poor and sickly parents. He often 02:0010,00[A ]| heard them talk of what they ought to$9$ do$1$ in order to$9$ have$1$ better 02:0010,00[A ]| health and more money. He was struck each time by the vagueness 02:0010,00[A ]| of these palavers and not surprised that they never led to$4$ 02:0010,00[A ]| anything. His father was a salesman, in a shop. He used to$9$ say$1$ 02:0010,00[A ]| to$4$ his wife, I really must find work for the evenings and the 02:0010,00[A ]| Saturday afternoon. He added, faintly, And the Sunday. His 02:0010,00[A ]| wife would answer, But if you do any more work you will fall ill. 02:0010,00[A ]| And Mr*Saposcat had to$9$ allow that he would indeed be$1$ ill-advised 02:0010,00[A ]| to$9$ forego his Sunday rest. These people at least are 02:0010,00[A ]| grown up. But his health was not so poor that he could not 02:0010,00[A ]| work in the evenings of the week and on the Saturday afternoon. 02:0010,00[A ]| At what, said his wife, work at what? Perhaps secretarial work 02:0010,00[A ]| of some kind, he said. And who will look after the garden? 02:0010,00[A ]| said his wife. The life of the Saposcats was full of axioms, of 02:0010,00[A ]| which one at least established the criminal absurdity of a garden 02:0010,00[A ]| without roses and with its paths and lawns uncared for. I might 02:0010,00[A ]| perhaps grow vegetables, he said. They cost less to$9$ buy, said 02:0010,00[A ]| his wife. Sapo marvelled at these conversations. Think of the 02:0010,00[A ]| price of manure, said his mother. And in the silence which 02:0010,00[A ]| followed Mr*Saposcat applied his mind, with the earnestness 02:0010,00[A ]| he brought to$4$ everything he did, to$4$ the high price of manure 02:0010,00[A ]| which prevented him from supporting his family in greater 02:0010,00[A ]| comfort, while his wife made ready to$9$ accuse herself, in her$2$ 02:0010,00[A ]| turn, of not doing all she might. But she was easily persuaded 02:0010,00[A ]| that she could not do$1$ more without exposing herself to$4$ the risk 02:0010,00[A ]| of dying before her$2$ time. Think of the doctor's fees we save, 02:0010,00[A ]| said Mr*Saposcat. And the chemist's bills, said his wife. Nothing 02:0010,00[A ]| remained but to$9$ envisage a smaller house. But we are cramped 02:0010,00[A ]| as it is, said Mrs*Saposcat. And it was a understood thing that 02:0010,00[A ]| they would be$1$ more and more so with every passing year until the 02:0010,00[A ]| day came when, the departure of the first-born compensating 02:0010,00[A ]| the arrival of the new-born, a kind of equilibrium would be$1$ 02:0010,00[A ]| attained. Then little by little the house would empty. And at 02:0010,00[A ]| last they would be$1$ all alone, with their memories. It would be$1$ 02:0011,00[A ]| time enough then to$9$ move. He would be$1$ pensioned off, she at 02:0011,00[A ]| her$2$ last gasp. They would take a cottage in the country where, 02:0011,00[A ]| having no further need of manure, they could afford to$9$ buy it 02:0011,00[A ]| in cartloads. And their children, grateful for the sacrifices made 02:0011,00[A ]| on their behalf, would come to$4$ their assistance. It was in this 02:0011,00[A ]| atmosphere of unbridled dream that these conferences usually 02:0011,00[A ]| ended. It was as though the Saposcats drew the strength to$9$ live 02:0011,00[A ]| from the prospect of their impotence. But sometimes, before 02:0011,00[A ]| reaching that stage, they paused to$9$ consider the case of their 02:0011,00[A ]| first-born. What age is he now? asked Mr*Saposcat. His wife 02:0011,00[A ]| provided the information, it being understood that this was of 02:0011,00[A ]| her$2$ province. She was always wrong. Mr*Saposcat took over 02:0011,00[A ]| the erroneous figure, murmuring it over and over to$4$ himself as 02:0011,00[A ]| though it were a question of the rise in price of some indispensable 02:0011,00[A ]| commodity, such as butcher's meat. And at the same time 02:0011,00[A ]| he sought in the appearance of his son some alleviation of what 02:0011,00[A ]| he had just heard. Was it at least a nice sirloin? Sapo looked 02:0011,00[A ]| at his father's face, sad, astonished, loving, disappointed, confident 02:0011,00[A ]| in spite of all. Was it on the cruel flight of the years 02:0011,00[A ]| he brooded, or on the time it was taking his son to$9$ command a 02:0011,00[A ]| salary? Sometimes he stated wearily his regret that his son 02:0011,00[A ]| should not be$1$ more eager to$9$ make himself useful about the 02:0011,00[A ]| place. It is better for him to$9$ prepare his examinations, said his 02:0011,00[A ]| wife. Starting from a given theme their minds laboured in 02:0011,00[A ]| unison. They had no conversation properly speaking. They made 02:0011,00[A ]| use of the spoken word in much the same way as the guard of 02:0011,00[A ]| a train makes use of his flags, or of his lantern. Or else they 02:0011,00[A ]| said, This is where we get down. And their son once signalled, 02:0011,00[A ]| they wondered sadly if it was not the mark of superior minds 02:0011,00[A ]| to$9$ fail miserably at the written paper and cover themselves 02:0011,00[A ]| with ridicule at the viva voce. They were not always content 02:0011,00[A ]| to$9$ gape in silence at the same landscape. At least his health is 02:0011,00[A ]| good, said Mr*Saposcat. Not all that, said his wife. But no 02:0011,00[A ]| definite disease, said Mr*Saposcat. A nice thing that would be$1$, 02:0011,00[A ]| at his age, said his wife. They did not know why he was committed 02:0011,00[A ]| to$4$ a liberal profession. That was yet another thing that 02:0012,00[A ]| went without saying. It was therefore impossible he should be$1$ 02:0012,00[A ]| unfitted for it. They thought of him as a doctor for preference. 02:0012,00[A ]| He will look after us when we are old, said Mrs*Saposcat. And 02:0012,00[A ]| her$2$ husband replied, I see him rather as a surgeon, as though 02:0012,00[A ]| after a certain age people were inoperable. 02:0012,00[A ]| 02:0012,00[A ]| What tedium. And I call that playing. I wonder if I am not 02:0012,00[A ]| talking yet again about myself. Shall I be$1$ incapable, to$4$ the end, 02:0012,00[A ]| of lying on any other subject? I feel the old dark gathering, the 02:0012,00[A ]| solitude preparing, by which I know myself, and the call of 02:0012,00[A ]| that ignorance which might be$1$ noble and is mere poltroonery. 02:0012,00[A ]| Already I forget what I have said. That is not how to$9$ play. 02:0012,00[A ]| Soon I shall not know where Sapo comes from, nor what he 02:0012,00[A ]| hopes. Perhaps I had better abandon this story and go on to$4$ 02:0012,00[A ]| the second, or even the third, the one about the stone. No, it 02:0012,00[A ]| would be$1$ the same thing. I must simply be$1$ on my guard, reflecting 02:0012,00[A ]| on what I have said before I go on and stopping, each 02:0012,00[A ]| time disaster threatens, to$9$ look at myself as I am. That is just 02:0012,00[A ]| what I wanted to$9$ avoid. But there seems to$9$ be$1$ no other solution. 02:0012,00[A ]| After that mud-bath I shall be$1$ better able to$9$ endure a world 02:0012,00[A ]| unsullied by my presence. What a way to$9$ reason. My eyes, I 02:0012,00[A ]| shall open my eyes, look at the little heap of my possessions, 02:0012,00[A ]| give my body the old orders I know it can not obey, turn to$4$ my 02:0012,00[A ]| spirit gone to$4$ rack and ruin, spoil my agony the better to$9$ live 02:0012,00[A ]| it out, far already from the world that parts at last its labia 02:0012,00[A ]| and lets me go. 02:0012,00[A ]| 02:0012,00[A ]| I have tried to$9$ reflect on the beginning of my story. There 02:0012,00[A ]| are things I do not understand. But nothing to$9$ signify. I can 02:0012,00[A ]| go on. 02:0012,00[A ]| 02:0012,00[A ]| Sapo had no friends ~~ no, that will not do$1$. 02:0012,00[A ]| 02:0012,00[A ]| Sapo was on good terms with his little friends, though they 02:0012,00[A ]| did not exactly love him. The dolt is seldom solitary. He boxed 02:0012,00[A ]| and wrestled well, was fleet of foot, sneered at his teachers and 02:0013,00[A ]| sometimes even gave them impertinent answers. Fleet of foot? 02:0013,00[A ]| Well well. Pestered with questions one day he cried, Have not 02:0013,00[A ]| I told you I do not know! Much of his free time he spent confined 02:0013,00[A ]| in school doing impositions and often he did not get home 02:0013,00[A ]| before eight o'clock at night. He submitted with philosophy to$4$ 02:0013,00[A ]| these vexations. But he would not let himself be$1$ struck. The first 02:0013,00[A ]| time a exasperated master threatened him with a cane, Sapo 02:0013,00[A ]| snatched it from his hand and threw it out of the window, which 02:0013,00[A ]| was closed, for it was winter. This was enough to$9$ justify his 02:0013,00[A ]| expulsion. But Sapo was not expelled, either then or later. I 02:0013,00[A ]| must try and discover, when I have time to$9$ think about it 02:0013,00[A ]| quietly, why Sapo was not expelled when he so richly deserved 02:0013,00[A ]| to$9$ be$1$. For I want as little as possible of darkness in his story. 02:0013,00[A ]| A little darkness, in itself, at the time, is nothing. You think 02:0013,00[A ]| no more about it and you go on. But I know what darkness is, 02:0013,00[A ]| it accumulates, thickens, then suddenly bursts and drowns 02:0013,00[A ]| everything. 02:0013,00[A ]| 02:0013,00[A ]| I have not been able to$9$ find out why Sapo was not expelled. 02:0013,00[A ]| I shall have$1$ to$9$ leave this question open. I try not to$9$ be$1$ glad. 02:0013,00[A ]| I shall make haste to$9$ put a safe remove between him and this 02:0013,00[A ]| incomprehensible indulgence, I shall make him live as though 02:0013,00[A ]| he had been punished according to$4$ his deserts. We shall turn 02:0013,00[A ]| our backs on this little cloud, but we shall not let it out of our 02:0013,00[A ]| sight. It will not cover the sky without our knowing, we shall 02:0013,00[A ]| not suddenly raise our eyes, far from help, far from shelter, to$4$ 02:0013,00[A ]| a sky as black as ink. That is what I have decided. I see no other 02:0013,00[A ]| solution. It is the best I can do$1$. 02:0013,00[A ]| 02:0013,00[A ]| At the age of fourteen he was a plump rosy boy. His wrists 02:0013,00[A ]| and ankles were thick, which made his mother say$1$ that one day 02:0013,00[A ]| he would be$1$ even bigger than his father. Curious deduction. 02:0013,00[A ]| But the most striking thing about him was his big round head 02:0013,00[A ]| horrid with flaxen hair as stiff and straight as the bristles of a 02:0013,00[A ]| brush. Even his teachers could not help thinking he had a 02:0013,00[A ]| remarkable head and they were all the more irked by their 02:0014,00[A ]| failure to$9$ get anything into it. His father would say$1$, when in 02:0014,00[A ]| good humour, One of these days he will astonish us all. It was 02:0014,00[A ]| thanks to$4$ Sapo's skull that he was enabled to$9$ hazard this opinion 02:0014,00[A ]| and, in defiance of the facts and against his better judgment, 02:0014,00[A ]| to$9$ revert to$4$ it from time to$4$ time. But he could not endure the 02:0014,00[A ]| look in Sapo's eyes and went out of his way not to$9$ meet it. 02:0014,00[A ]| He has your eyes, his wife would say$1$. Then Mr*Saposcat chafed 02:0014,00[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ alone, in order to$9$ inspect his eyes in the mirror. They 02:0014,00[A ]| were palest blue. Just a shade lighter, said Mrs*Saposcat. 02:0014,00[A ]| 02:0014,00[A ]| Sapo loved nature, took a interest 02:0014,00[A ]| 02:0014,00[A ]| This is awful. 02:0014,00[A ]| 02:0014,00[A ]| Sapo loved nature, took a interest in animals and plants 02:0014,00[A ]| and willingly raised his eyes to$4$ the sky, day and night. But 02:0014,00[A ]| he did not know how to$9$ look at all these things, the looks he 02:0014,00[A ]| rained upon them taught him nothing about them. He confused 02:0014,00[A ]| the birds with one another, and the trees, and could not tell one 02:0014,00[A ]| crop from another crop. He did not associate the crocus with 02:0014,00[A ]| the spring nor the chrysanthemum with Michaelmas. The sun, 02:0014,00[A ]| the moon, the planets and the stars did not fill him with wonder. 02:0014,00[A ]| He was sometimes tempted by the knowledge of these strange 02:0014,00[A ]| things, sometimes beautiful, that he would have$1$ about him all 02:0014,00[A ]| his life. But from his ignorance of them he drew a kind of joy, 02:0014,00[A ]| as from all that went to$9$ swell the murmur, You are a simpleton. 02:0014,00[A ]| But he loved the flight of the hawk and could distinguish it 02:0014,00[A ]| from all others. He would stand rapt, gazing at the long pernings, 02:0014,00[A ]| the quivering poise, the wings lifted for the plummet drop, 02:0014,00[A ]| the wild reascent, fascinated by such extremes of need, of pride, 02:0014,00[A ]| of patience and solitude. 02:0014,00@@@@@| 02:0014,00[A ]| I shall not give up yet. I have finished my soup and sent back 02:0014,00[A ]| the little table to$4$ its place by the door. A light has just gone 02:0014,00[A ]| on in one of the two windows of the house across the way. By 02:0014,00[A ]| the two windows I mean those I can see always, without raising 02:0015,00[A ]| my head from the pillow. By this I do not mean the two windows 02:0015,00[A ]| in their entirety, but one in its entirety and part of the other. 02:0015,00[A ]| It is in this latter that the light has just gone on. For a instant 02:0015,00[A ]| I could see the woman coming and going. Then she drew the 02:0015,00[A ]| curtain. Until to-morrow I shall not see her$6$ again, her$2$ shadow 02:0015,00[A ]| perhaps from time to$4$ time. She does not always draw the 02:0015,00[A ]| curtain. The man has not yet come home. Home. I have demanded 02:0015,00[A ]| certain movements of my legs and even feet. I know 02:0015,00[A ]| them well and could feel the effort they made to$9$ obey. I have 02:0015,00[A ]| lived with them that little space of time, filled with drama, 02:0015,00[A ]| between the message received and the piteous response. To$4$ 02:0015,00[A ]| old dogs the hour comes when. whistled by their master setting 02:0015,00[A ]| forth with his stick at dawn, they can not spring after him. 02:0015,00[A ]| Then they stay in their kennel, or in their basket, though they 02:0015,00[A ]| are not chained, and listen to$4$ the steps dying away. The man 02:0015,00[A ]| too is sad. But soon the pure air and the sun console him, he 02:0015,00[A ]| thinks no more about his old companion, until evening. The 02:0015,00[A ]| lights in his house bid him welcome home and a feeble barking 02:0015,00[A ]| makes him say$1$, It is time I had him destroyed. There is a nice 02:0015,00[A ]| passage. Soon it will be$1$ even better, soon things will be$1$ better. 02:0015,00[A ]| I am going to$9$ rummage a little in my possessions. Then I shall 02:0015,00[A ]| put my head under the blankets. Then things will be$1$ better, for 02:0015,00[A ]| Sapo and for him who follows him, who asks nothing but to$9$ 02:0015,00[A ]| follow in his footsteps, by clear and endurable ways. 02:0015,00[A ]| 02:0015,00[A ]| Sapo's phlegm, his silent ways, were not of a nature to$9$ please. 02:0015,00[A ]| In the midst of tumult, at school and at home, he remained 02:0015,00[A ]| motionless in his place, often standing, and gazed straight before 02:0015,00[A ]| him with eyes as pale and unwavering as a gull's. People wondered 02:0015,00[A ]| what he could brood on thus, hour after hour. His father 02:0015,00[A ]| supposed him a prey to$4$ the first flutterings of sex. At sixteen I 02:0015,00[A ]| was the same, he would say$1$. At sixteen you were earning your 02:0015,00[A ]| living, said his wife. So I was, said Mr*Saposcat. But in the 02:0015,00[A ]| view of his teachers the signs were rather those of besottedness 02:0015,00[A ]| pure and simple. Sapo dropped his jaw and breathed through 02:0015,00[A ]| his mouth. It is not easy to$9$ see in virtue of what this expression 02:0016,00[A ]| is incompatible with erotic thoughts. But indeed his dream was 02:0016,00[A ]| less of girls than of himself, his own life, his life to$9$ be$1$. That 02:0016,00[A ]| is more than enough to$9$ stop up the nose of a lucid and sensitive 02:0016,00[A ]| boy, and cause his jaw temporarily to$9$ sag. But it is time I took 02:0016,00[A ]| a little rest, for safety's sake. 02:0016,00[A ]| 02:0016,00[A ]| I do not like those gull's eyes. They remind me of a old shipwreck, 02:0016,00[A ]| I forget which. I know it is a small thing. But I am 02:0016,00[A ]| easily frightened now. I know those little phrases that seem so 02:0016,00[A ]| innocuous and, once you let them in, pollute the whole of 02:0016,00[A ]| speech. \Nothing is more real than nothing.\ They rise up out of 02:0016,00[A ]| the pit and know no rest until they drag you down into its dark. 02:0016,00[A ]| But I am on my guard now. 02:0016,00[A ]| 02:0016,00[A ]| Then he was sorry he had not learnt the art of thinking, 02:0016,00[A ]| beginning by folding back the second and third fingers the 02:0016,00[A ]| better to$9$ put the index on the subject and the little finger on 02:0016,00[A ]| the verb, in the way his teacher had shown him, and sorry 02:0016,00[A ]| he could make no meaning of the babel raging in his head, 02:0016,00[A ]| the doubts, desires, imaginings and dreads. And a little less 02:0016,00[A ]| well endowed with strength and courage he too would have$1$ 02:0016,00[A ]| abandoned and despaired of ever knowing what manner of 02:0016,00[A ]| being he was, and how he was going to$9$ live, and lived vanquished, 02:0016,00[A ]| blindly, in a mad world, in the midst of strangers. 02:0016,00[A ]| 02:0016,00[A ]| From these reveries he emerged tired and pale, which confirmed 02:0016,00[A ]| his father's impression that he was the victim of lascivious 02:0016,00[A ]| speculations. He ought to$9$ play more games, he would say$1$. We 02:0016,00[A ]| are getting on, getting on. They told me he would be$1$ a good 02:0016,00[A ]| athlete, said Mr*Saposcat, and now he is not on any team. His 02:0016,00[A ]| studies take up all his time, said Mrs*Saposcat. And he is 02:0016,00[A ]| always last, said Mr*Saposcat. He is fond of walking, said Mrs*Saposcat, 02:0016,00[A ]| the long walks in the country do him good. Then Mr*Saposcat 02:0016,00[A ]| wried his face, at the thought of his son's long solitary 02:0016,00[A ]| walks and the good they did him. And sometimes he was carried 02:0016,00[A ]| away to$4$ the point of saying, It might have$1$ been better to$9$ have$1$ 02:0016,00[A ]| put him to$4$ a trade. Whereupon it was usual, though not compulsory, 02:0017,00[A ]| for Sapo to$9$ go away, while his mother exclaimed, Oh 02:0017,00[A ]| Adrian, you have hurt his feelings! 02:0017,00[A ]| We are getting on. Nothing is less like me than this patient, 02:0017,00[A ]| reasonable child, struggling all alone for years to$9$ shed a little 02:0017,00[A ]| light upon himself, avid of the least gleam, a stranger to$4$ the 02:0017,00[A ]| joys of darkness. Here truly is the air I needed, a lively tenuous 02:0017,00[A ]| air, far from the nourishing murk that is killing me. I shall never 02:0017,00[A ]| go back into this carcass except to$9$ find out its time. I want to$9$ 02:0017,00[A ]| be$1$ there a little before the plunge, close for the last time the 02:0017,00[A ]| old hatch on top of me, say$1$ goodbye to$4$ the holds where I have 02:0017,00[A ]| lived, go down with my refuge. I was always sentimental. But 02:0017,00[A ]| between now and then I have time to$9$ frolic, ashore, in the 02:0017,00[A ]| brave company I have always longed for, always searched for, 02:0017,00[A ]| and which would never have$1$ me. Yes, now my mind is easy, 02:0017,00[A ]| I know the game is won, I lost them all till now, but it is the 02:0017,00[A ]| last that counts. A very fine achievement I must say$1$, or rather 02:0017,00[A ]| would, if I did not fear to$9$ contradict myself. Fear to$9$ contradict 02:0017,00[A ]| myself! If this continues it is myself I shall lose and the thousand 02:0017,00[A ]| ways that lead there. And I shall resemble the wretches famed 02:0017,00[A ]| in fable, crushed beneath the weight of their wish come true. 02:0017,00[A ]| And I even feel a strange desire come over me, the desire to$9$ 02:0017,00[A ]| know what I am doing, and why. So I near the goal I set myself 02:0017,00[A ]| in my young days and which prevented me from living. And 02:0017,00[A ]| on the threshold of being no more I succeed in being another. 02:0017,00[A ]| Very pretty. 02:0017,00[A ]| 02:0017,00[A ]| The summer holidays. In the morning he took private lessons. 02:0017,00[A ]| You will have$1$ us in the poorhouse, said Mrs*Saposcat. It is a 02:0017,00[A ]| good investment, said Mr*Saposcat. In the afternoon he left 02:0017,00[A ]| the house, with his books under his arm, on the pretext that 02:0017,00[A ]| he worked better in the open air, no, without a word. Once 02:0017,00[A ]| clear of the town he hid his books under a stone and ranged 02:0017,00[A ]| the countryside. It was the season when the labours of the 02:0017,00[A ]| peasants reach their paroxysm and the long bright days are 02:0017,00[A ]| too short for all there is to$9$ do$1$. And often they took advantage 02:0017,00[A ]| 02:0018,00[A ]| of the moon to$9$ make a last journey between the fields, perhaps 02:0018,00[A ]| far away, and the barn or threshing floor, or to$9$ overhaul the 02:0018,00[A ]| machines and get them ready for the impending dawn. The 02:0018,00[A ]| impending dawn. 02:0018,00[A ]| 02:0018,00[A ]| I fell asleep. But I do not want to$9$ sleep. There is no time for 02:0018,00[A ]| sleep in my time-table. I do not want ~~ no, I have no explanations 02:0018,00[A ]| to$9$ give. Coma is for the living. The living. They were 02:0018,00[A ]| always more than I could bear, all, no, I do not mean that, but 02:0018,00[A ]| groaning with tedium I watched them come and go, then I 02:0018,00[A ]| killed them, or took their place, or fled. I feel within me the 02:0018,00[A ]| glow of that old frenzy, but I know it will set me on fire no 02:0018,00[A ]| more. I stop everything and wait. Sapo stands on one leg, 02:0018,00[A ]| motionless, his strange eyes closed. The turmoil of the day 02:0018,00[A ]| freezes in a thousand absurd postures. The little cloud drifting 02:0018,00[A ]| before their glorious sun will darken the earth as long as I 02:0018,00[A ]| please. 02:0018,00[A ]| 02:0018,00[A ]| Live and invent. I have tried. I must have$1$ tried. Invent. It 02:0018,00[A ]| is not the word. Neither is live. No matter. I have tried. While 02:0018,00[A ]| within me the wild beast of earnestness padded up and down, 02:0018,00[A ]| roaring, ravening, rending. I have done that. And all alone, 02:0018,00[A ]| well hidden, played the clown, all alone, hour after hour, motionless, 02:0018,00[A ]| often standing, spellbound, groaning. That is right, groan. 02:0018,00[A ]| I could not play. I turned till I was dizzy, clapped my hands, ran, 02:0018,00[A ]| shouted, saw myself winning, saw myself losing, rejoicing, 02:0018,00[A ]| lamenting. Then suddenly I threw myself on the playthings, if 02:0018,00[A ]| there were any, or on a child, to$9$ change his joy to$4$ howling, or 02:0018,00[A ]| I fled, to$4$ hiding. The grown-ups pursued me, the just, caught 02:0018,00[A ]| me, beat me, hounded me back into the round, the game, the 02:0018,00[A ]| jollity. For I was already in the toils of earnestness. That has 02:0018,00[A ]| been my disease. I was born grave as others syphilitic. And 02:0018,00[A ]| gravely I struggled to$9$ be$1$ grave no more, to$9$ live, to$9$ invent, I 02:0018,00[A ]| know what I mean. But at each fresh attempt I lost my head, 02:0018,00[A ]| fled to$4$ my shadows as to$4$ sanctuary, to$4$ his lap who can neither 02:0018,00[A ]| live nor suffer the sight of others living. I say living without 02:0019,00[A ]| knowing what it is. I tried to$9$ live without knowing what I was 02:0019,00[A ]| trying. Perhaps I have lived after all, without knowing. I 02:0019,00[A ]| wonder why I speak of all this. Ah yes, to$9$ relieve the tedium. 02:0019,00[A ]| Live and cause to$9$ live. There is no use indicting words, they 02:0019,00[A ]| are no shoddier than what they peddle. After the fiasco, the 02:0019,00[A ]| solace, the repose, I began again, to$9$ try and live, cause to$9$ 02:0019,00[A ]| live, be$1$ another, in myself, in another. How false all this is. 02:0019,00[A ]| No time now to$9$ explain. I began again. But little by little with 02:0019,00[A ]| a different aim, no longer in order to$9$ succeed, but in order to$9$ 02:0019,00[A ]| fail. Nuance. What I sought, when I struggled out of my hole, 02:0019,00[A ]| then aloft through the stinging air towards a inaccessible boon, 02:0019,00[A ]| was the rapture of vertigo, the letting go, the fall, the gulf, 02:0019,00[A ]| the relapse to$4$ darkness, to$4$ nothingness, to$4$ earnestness, to$4$ home, 02:0019,00[A ]| to$4$ him waiting for me always, who needed me and whom I 02:0019,00[A ]| needed, who took me in his arms and told me to$9$ stay with him 02:0019,00[A ]| always, who gave me his place and watched over me, who 02:0019,00[A ]| suffered every time I left him, whom I have often made suffer 02:0019,00[A ]| and seldom contented, whom I have never seen. There I am 02:0019,00[A ]| forgetting myself again My concern is not with me, but with 02:0019,00[A ]| another, far beneath me and whom I try to$9$ envy, of whose crass 02:0019,00[A ]| adventures I can now tell at last, I do not know how. Of myself 02:0019,00[A ]| I could never tell, any more than live or tell of others. How 02:0019,00[A ]| could I have$1$, who never tried? To$9$ show myself now, on the 02:0019,00[A ]| point of vanishing, at the same time as the stranger, and by the 02:0019,00[A ]| same grace, that would be$1$ no ordinary last straw. Then live, 02:0019,00[A ]| long enough to$9$ feel, behind my closed eyes, other eyes close. 02:0019,00[A ]| What a end. 02:0019,00[A ]| 02:0019,00[A ]| The market. The inadequacy of the exchanges between rural 02:0019,00[A ]| and urban areas had not escaped the excellent youth. He had 02:0019,00[A ]| mustered, on this subject, the following considerations, some 02:0019,00[A ]| perhaps close to$4$, others no doubt far from, the truth. 02:0019,00[A ]| In his country the problem ~~ no, I can not do$1$ it. 02:0019,00[A ]| 02:0019,00[A ]| The peasants. His visits to$4$. I can not. Assembled in the farmyard 02:0019,00[A ]| they watched him depart, on stumbling, wavering feet, 02:0020,00[A ]| as though they scarcely felt the ground. Often he stopped, stood 02:0020,00[A ]| tottering a moment, then suddenly was off again, in a new 02:0020,00[A ]| direction. So he went, limp, drifting, as though tossed by the 02:0020,00[A ]| earth. And when, after a halt, he started off again, it was like 02:0020,00[A ]| a big thistledown plucked by the wind from the place where it 02:0020,00[A ]| had settled. There is a choice of images. 02:0020,00@@@@@| 02:0020,00[A ]| I have rummaged a little in my things, sorting them out and 02:0020,00[A ]| drawing them over to$4$ me, to$9$ look at them. I was not far wrong 02:0020,00[A ]| in thinking that I knew them off, by heart, and could speak of 02:0020,00[A ]| them at any moment, without looking at them. But I wanted 02:0020,00[A ]| to$9$ make sure. It was well I did. For now I know that the image 02:0020,00[A ]| of these objects, with which I have lulled myself till now, though 02:0020,00[A ]| accurate in the main, was not completely so. And I should be$1$ 02:0020,00[A ]| sorry to$9$ let slip this unique occasion which seems to$9$ offer me 02:0020,00[A ]| the possibility of something suspiciously like a true statement 02:0020,00[A ]| at last. I might feel I had failed in my duty! I want this matter 02:0020,00[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ free from all trace of approximativeness. I want, when 02:0020,00[A ]| the great day comes, to$9$ be$1$ in a position to$9$ enounce clearly, 02:0020,00[A ]| without addition or omission, all that its interminable prelude 02:0020,00[A ]| had brought me and left me in the way of chattels personal. 02:0020,00[A ]| I presume it is a obsession. 02:0020,00[A ]| I see then I had attributed to$4$ myself certain objects no longer 02:0020,00[A ]| in my possession, as far as I can see. But might they not have$1$ 02:0020,00[A ]| rolled behind a piece of furniture? That would surprise me. 02:0020,00[A ]| A boot, for example, can a boot roll behind a piece of furniture? 02:0020,00[A ]| And yet I see only one boot. And behind what piece of furniture? 02:0020,00[A ]| In this room, to$4$ the best of my knowledge, there is only one 02:0020,00[A ]| piece of furniture capable of intervening between me and my 02:0020,00[A ]| possessions, I refer to$4$ the cupboard. But it so cleaves to$4$ the 02:0020,00[A ]| wall, to$4$ the two walls, for it stands in the corner, that it seems 02:0020,00[A ]| part of them. It may be$1$ objected that my button-boot, for it 02:0020,00[A ]| was a kind of button-boot, is in the cupboard. I thought of that. 02:0020,00[A ]| But I have gone through it, my stick has gone through the cupboard, 02:0020,00[A ]| opening the doors, the drawers, for the first time perhaps, 02:0020,00[A ]| and rooting everywhere. And the cupboard, far from containing 02:0021,00[A ]| my boot, is empty. No, I am now without this boot, just as I 02:0021,00[A ]| am now without certain other objects of less value, which I 02:0021,00[A ]| thought I had preserved, among them a zinc ring that shone 02:0021,00[A ]| like silver. I note on the other hand, in the heap, the presence 02:0021,00[A ]| of two or three objects I had quite forgotten and one of which 02:0021,00[A ]| at least, the bowl of a pipe, strikes no chord in my memory. 02:0021,00[A ]| I do not remember ever having smoked a tobacco-pipe. I 02:0021,00[A ]| remember the soap-pipe with which, as a child, I used to$9$ blow 02:0021,00[A ]| bubbles, a odd bubble. Never mind, this bowl is now mine, 02:0021,00[A ]| wherever it comes from. A number of my treasures are derived 02:0021,00[A ]| from the same source. I also discovered a little packet tied up 02:0021,00[A ]| in age-yellowed newspaper. It reminds me of something, but 02:0021,00[A ]| of what? I drew it over beside the bed and felt it with the knob 02:0021,00[A ]| of my stick. And my hand understood, it understood softness 02:0021,00[A ]| and lightness, better I think than if it had touched the thing 02:0021,00[A ]| directly, fingering it and weighing it in its palm. I resolved, I 02:0021,00[A ]| do not know why, not to$9$ undo it. I sent it back into the corner, 02:0021,00[A ]| with the rest. I shall speak of it again perhaps, when the time 02:0021,00[A ]| comes. I shall say$1$, I can hear myself already, Item, a little 02:0021,00[A ]| packet, soft, and light as a feather, tied up in newspaper. It 02:0021,00[A ]| will be$1$ my little mystery, all my own. Perhaps it is a lack of 02:0021,00[A ]| rupees. Or a lock of hair. 02:0021,00[A ]| I told myself too that I must make better speed. True lives 02:0021,00[A ]| do not tolerate this excess of circumstance. It is there the demon 02:0021,00[A ]| lurks, like the gonococcus in the folds of the prostate. My 02:0021,00[A ]| time is limited. It is thence that one fine day, when all nature 02:0021,00[A ]| smiles and shines, the rack lets loose its black unforgettable 02:0021,00[A ]| cohorts and sweeps away the blue for*ever. My situation is 02:0021,00[A ]| truly delicate. What fine things, what momentous things, I am 02:0021,00[A ]| going to$9$ miss through fear, fear of falling back into the old 02:0021,00[A ]| error, fear of not finishing in time, fear of revelling, for the 02:0021,00[A ]| last time, in a last outpouring of misery, impotence and hate. 02:0021,00[A ]| The forms are many in which the unchanging seeks relief 02:0021,00[A ]| from its formlessness. Ah yes, I was always subject to$4$ the deep 02:0021,00[A ]| thought, especially in the spring of the year. That one had 02:0021,00[A ]| been nagging at me for the past five minutes. I venture to$9$ hope 02:0022,00[A ]| there will be$1$ no more, of that depth. After all it is not important 02:0022,00[A ]| not to$9$ finish, there are worse things than velleities. But is that 02:0022,00[A ]| the point? Quite likely. All I ask is that the last of mine as 02:0022,00[A ]| long as it lasts, should have$1$ living for its theme, that is all, I 02:0022,00[A ]| know what I mean. If it begins to$9$ run short of life I shall feel 02:0022,00[A ]| it. All I ask is to$9$ know, before I abandon him whose life has so 02:0022,00[A ]| well begun, that my death and mine alone prevents him from 02:0022,00[A ]| living on, from winning, losing, joying, suffering, rotting and 02:0022,00[A ]| dying, and that even had I lived he would have$1$ waited, before 02:0022,00[A ]| he died, for his body to$9$ be$1$ dead. That is what you might call 02:0022,00[A ]| taking a reef in your sails. 02:0022,00[A ]| 02:0022,00[A ]| My body does not yet make up its mind. But I fancy it weighs 02:0022,00[A ]| heavier on the bed, flattens and spreads. My breath, when it 02:0022,00[A ]| comes back, fills the room with its din, though my chest moves 02:0022,00[A ]| no more than a sleeping child's. I open my eyes and gaze unblinkingly 02:0022,00[A ]| and long at the night sky. So a tiny tot I gaped, first 02:0022,00[A ]| at the novelties, then at the antiquities. Between it and me the 02:0022,00[A ]| pane, misted and smeared with the filth of years. I should like 02:0022,00[A ]| to$9$ breathe on it, but it is too far away. It is such a night as 02:0022,00[A ]| Kaspar David Friedrich loved, tempestuous and bright. That 02:0022,00[A ]| name that comes back to$4$ me, those names. The clouds scud, 02:0022,00[A ]| tattered by the wind, across a limpid ground. If I had the 02:0022,00[A ]| patience to$9$ wait I would see the moon. But I have not. Now 02:0022,00[A ]| that I have looked I hear the wind. I close my eyes and it 02:0022,00[A ]| mingles with my breath. Words and images run riot in my head, 02:0022,00[A ]| pursuing, flying, clashing, merging, endlessly. But beyond this 02:0022,00[A ]| tumult there is a great calm, and a great indifference, never 02:0022,00[A ]| really to$9$ be$1$ troubled by anything again. I turn a little on my 02:0022,00[A ]| side, press my mouth against the pillow, and my nose, crush 02:0022,00[A ]| against the pillow my old hairs now no doubt as white as snow, 02:0022,00[A ]| pull the blanket over my head. I feel, deep down in my trunk, 02:0022,00[A ]| I can not be$1$ more explicit, pains that seem new to$4$ me. I think 02:0022,00[A ]| they are chiefly in my back. They have a kind of rhythm, they 02:0022,00[A ]| even have a kind of little tune. They are bluish. How bearable 02:0022,00[A ]| all that is, my God. My head is almost facing the wrong way, 02:0023,00[A ]| like a bird's. I part my lips, now I have the pillow in my mouth. 02:0023,00[A ]| I have, I have. I suck. The search for myself is ended. I am 02:0023,00[A ]| buried in the world, I knew I would find my place there one 02:0023,00[A ]| day, the old world cloisters me, victorious. I am happy, I knew 02:0023,00[A ]| I would be$1$ happy one day. But I am not wise. For the wise 02:0023,00[A ]| thing now would be$1$ to$9$ let go, at this instant of happiness. And 02:0023,00[A ]| what do I do? I go back again to$4$ the light, to$4$ the fields I so 02:0023,00[A ]| longed to$9$ love, to$4$ the sky all astir with little white clouds as 02:0023,00[A ]| white and light as snowflakes, to$4$ the life I could never manage, 02:0023,00[A ]| through my own fault perhaps, through pride, or pettiness, but 02:0023,00[A ]| I do not think so. The beasts are at pasture, the sun warms the 02:0023,00[A ]| rocks and makes them glitter. Yes, I leave my happiness and go 02:0023,00[A ]| back to$4$ the race of men too, they come and go, often with 02:0023,00[A ]| burdens. Perhaps I have judged them ill, but I do not think so, 02:0023,00[A ]| I have not judged them at all. All I want now is to$9$ make a last 02:0023,00[A ]| effort to$9$ understand, to$9$ begin to$9$ understand, how such creatures 02:0023,00[A ]| are possible. No, it is not a question of understanding. Of what 02:0023,00[A ]| then? I do not know. Here I go none the less, mistakenly. Night, 02:0023,00[A ]| storm and sorrow, and the catalepsies of the soul, this time I 02:0023,00[A ]| shall see that they are good. The last word is not yet said between 02:0023,00[A ]| me and ~~ yes, the last word is said. Perhaps I simply want to$9$ 02:0023,00[A ]| hear it said again. Just once again. No, I want nothing. 02:0023,00[A ]| 02:0023,00[A ]| 02:0023,00[A ]| The Lamberts. The Lamberts found it difficult to$9$ live, I mean 02:0023,00[A ]| to$9$ make ends meet. There was the man, the woman and two 02:0023,00[A ]| children, a boy and a girl. There at least is something that 02:0023,00[A ]| admits of no controversy. The father was known as Big Lambert, 02:0023,00[A ]| and big he was indeed. He had married his young cousin and 02:0023,00[A ]| was still with her$6$. This was his third or fourth marriage. He 02:0023,00[A ]| had other children here and there, grown men and women 02:0023,00[A ]| imbedded deep in life, hoping for nothing more, from themselves 02:0023,00[A ]| or from others. They helped him, each one according to$4$ 02:0023,00[A ]| his means, or the humour of the moment, out of gratitude 02:0023,00[A ]| towards him but for whom they had never seen the light of 02:0023,00[A ]| day, or saying, with indulgence, If it had not been he it would 02:0024,00[A ]| have$1$ been someone else. Big Lambert had not a tooth in his 02:0024,00[A ]| head and smoked his cigarettes in a cigarette-holder, while 02:0024,00[A ]| regretting his pipe. He was highly thought of as a bleeder and 02:0024,00[A ]| disjointer of pigs and greatly sought after, I exaggerate, in 02:0024,00[A ]| that capacity. For his fee was lower than the butcher's, and he 02:0024,00[A ]| had even been known to$9$ demand no more, in return for his 02:0024,00[A ]| services, than a lump of gammon or a pig's cheek. How plausible 02:0024,00[A ]| all that is. He often spoke of his father with respect and tenderness. 02:0024,00[A ]| His like will not be$1$ seen again, he used to$9$ say$1$, once I am 02:0024,00[A ]| gone. He must have$1$ said this in other words. His great days 02:0024,00[A ]| then fell in December and January, and from February onwards 02:0024,00[A ]| he waited impatiently for the return of that season, the principal 02:0024,00[A ]| event of which is unquestionably the Saviour's birth, in a stable, 02:0024,00[A ]| while wondering if he would be$1$ spared till then. Then he would 02:0024,00[A ]| set forth, hugging under his arm, in their case, the great knives 02:0024,00[A ]| so lovingly whetted before the fire the night before, and in his 02:0024,00[A ]| pocket, wrapped in paper, the apron destined to$9$ protect his 02:0024,00[A ]| Sunday suit while he worked. And at the thought that he, Big 02:0024,00[A ]| Lambert, was on his way towards that distant homestead where 02:0024,00[A ]| all was in readiness for his coming, and that in spite of his 02:0024,00[A ]| great age he was still needed, and his methods preferred to$4$ 02:0024,00[A ]| those of younger men, then his old heart exulted. From these 02:0024,00[A ]| expeditions he reached home late in the night, drunk and exhausted 02:0024,00[A ]| by the long road and the emotions of the day. And 02:0024,00[A ]| for days afterwards he could speak of nothing but the pig he 02:0024,00[A ]| had just dispatched, I would say$1$ into the other world if I was 02:0024,00[A ]| not aware that pigs have none but this, to$4$ the great affliction 02:0024,00[A ]| of his family. But they did not dare protest, for they feared him. 02:0024,00[A ]| Yes, at a age when most people cringe and cower, as if to$9$ 02:0024,00[A ]| apologize for still being present, Lambert was feared and in 02:0024,00[A ]| a position to$9$ do$1$ as he pleased. And even his young wife had 02:0024,00[A ]| abandoned all hope of bringing him to$4$ heel, by means of her$2$ 02:0024,00[A ]| cunt, that trump card of young wives. For she knew what he 02:0024,00[A ]| would do$1$ to$4$ her$6$ if she did not open it to$4$ him. And he even 02:0024,00[A ]| insisted on her$2$ making things easy for him, in ways that often 02:0024,00[A ]| appeared to$4$ her$6$ exorbitant. And at the least show of rebellion 02:0025,00[A ]| on her$2$ part he would run to$4$ the wash-house and come back with 02:0025,00[A ]| the battle and beat her$6$ until she came round to$4$ a better way of 02:0025,00[A ]| thinking. All this by the way. And to$9$ return to$4$ our pigs, Lambert 02:0025,00[A ]| continued to$9$ expatiate, to$4$ his near and dear ones, of a evening, 02:0025,00[A ]| while the lamp burned low, on the specimen he had just slaughtered, 02:0025,00[A ]| until the day he was summoned to$9$ slaughter another. 02:0025,00[A ]| Then all his conversation was of this new pig, so unlike the 02:0025,00[A ]| other in every respect, so quite unlike, and yet at bottom the 02:0025,00[A ]| same. For all pigs are alike, when you get to$9$ know their little 02:0025,00[A ]| ways, struggle, squeal, bleed, squeal, struggle, bleed, squeal and 02:0025,00[A ]| faint away, in more or less the same way exactly, a way that is 02:0025,00[A ]| all their own and could never be$1$ imitated by a lamb, for example, 02:0025,00[A ]| or a kid. But once March was out Big Lambert recovered his 02:0025,00[A ]| calm and became his silent self again. 02:0025,00[A ]| The son, or heir, was a great strapping lad with terrible teeth. 02:0025,00[A ]| The farm. The farm was in a hollow, flooded in winter and in 02:0025,00[A ]| summer burnt to$4$ a cinder. The way to$4$ it lay through a fine 02:0025,00[A ]| meadow. But this fine meadow did not belong to$4$ the Lamberts, 02:0025,00[A ]| but to$4$ other peasants living at a distance. There jonquils and 02:0025,00[A ]| narcissi bloomed in extraordinary profusion, at the appropriate 02:0025,00[A ]| season. And there at nightfall, stealthily, Big Lambert turned 02:0025,00[A ]| loose his goats. 02:0025,00@@@@@| 02:0025,00[A ]| Strange to$9$ say$1$ this gift that Lambert possessed when it came 02:0025,00[A ]| to$4$ sticking pigs seemed of no help to$4$ him when it came to$4$ 02:0025,00[A ]| rearing them, and it was seldom his own exceeded nine stone. 02:0025,00[A ]| Clapped into a tiny sty on the day of its arrival, in the month 02:0025,00[A ]| of April, it remained there until the day of its death, on Christmas 02:0025,00[A ]| Eve. For Lambert persisted in dreading for his pigs, though 02:0025,00[A ]| every passing year proved him wrong, the thinning effects of 02:0025,00[A ]| exercise. Daylight and fresh air he dreaded for them too. And 02:0025,00[A ]| it was finally a weak pig, blind and lean, that he lay on its 02:0025,00[A ]| back in the box, having tied its legs, and killed, indignantly 02:0025,00[A ]| but without haste, upbraiding it the while for its ingratitude, at 02:0025,00[A ]| the top of his voice. For he could not or would not understand 02:0025,00[A ]| that the pig was not to$9$ blame, but he himself, who had coddled 02:0025,36[A ]| it unduly. And he persisted in his error. 02:0026,01[A ]| Dead world, airless, waterless. That is it, reminisce. Here and 02:0026,00[A ]| there, in the bed of a crater, the shadow of a withered lichen. 02:0026,00[A ]| And nights of three hundred hours. Dearest of lights, wan, 02:0026,00[A ]| pitted, least fatuous of lights. That is it, babble. How long can 02:0026,00[A ]| it have$1$ lasted? Five minutes? Ten minutes? Yes, no more, not 02:0026,00[A ]| much more. But my sliver of sky is silvery with it yet. In the 02:0026,00[A ]| old days I used to$9$ count, up to$4$ three hundred, four hundred, 02:0026,00[A ]| and with other things too, the showers, the bells, the chatter of 02:0026,00[A ]| the sparrows at dawn, or with nothing, for no reason, for the 02:0026,00[A ]| sake of counting, and then I divided, by sixty. That passed the 02:0026,00[A ]| time, I was time, I devoured the world. Not now, any more. A 02:0026,00[A ]| man changes. As he gets on. 02:0026,13[A ]| 02:0026,00[A ]| In the filthy kitchen, with its earth floor, Sapo had his place, 02:0026,00[A ]| by the window. Big Lambert and his son left their work, came 02:0026,00[A ]| and shook his hand, then went away, leaving him with the 02:0026,00[A ]| mother and the daughter. But they too had their work, they too 02:0026,00[A ]| went away and left him, alone. There was so much work, so 02:0026,00[A ]| little time, so few hands. The woman, pausing a instant between 02:0026,00[A ]| two tasks, or in the midst of one, flung up her$2$ arms and, in 02:0026,00[A ]| the same breath, unable to$9$ sustain their great weight, let them 02:0026,00[A ]| fall again. Then she began to$9$ toss them about in a way difficult 02:0026,00[A ]| to$9$ describe, and not easy to$9$ understand. The movements resembled 02:0026,00[A ]| those, at once frantic and slack, of a arm shaking 02:0026,00[A ]| a duster, or a rag, to$9$ rid it of its dust. And so rapid was the 02:0026,00[A ]| trepidation of the limp, empty hands that there seemed to$9$ be$1$ 02:0026,00[A ]| four or five at the end of each arm, instead of the usual one. 02:0026,00[A ]| At the same time angry unanswerable questions, such as, What is 02:0026,00[A ]| the use? fell from her$2$ lips. Her$2$ hair came loose and fell about 02:0026,00[A ]| her$2$ face. It was thick, grey and dirty, for she had no time to$9$ 02:0026,00[A ]| tend it, and her$2$ face was pale and thin and as though gouged 02:0026,00[A ]| with worry and its attendant rancours. The bosom ~~ no, what 02:0026,00[A ]| matters is the head and then the hands it calls to$4$ its help before 02:0026,00[A ]| all else, that clasp, wring, then sadly resume their labour, lifting 02:0026,00[A ]| the old inert objects and changing their position, bringing them 02:0026,36[A ]| closer together and moving them further apart. But this pantomime 02:0027,01[A ]| and these ejaculations were not intended for any living 02:0027,00[A ]| person. For every day and several times a day she gave way to$4$ 02:0027,00[A ]| them, within doors and without. Then she little cared whether 02:0027,00[A ]| she was observed or not, whether what she was doing was 02:0027,00[A ]| urgent or could wait, no, but she dropped everything and began 02:0027,00[A ]| to$9$ cry out and gesticulate, the last of all the living as likely as 02:0027,00[A ]| not and dead to$4$ what was going on about her$6$. Then she fell 02:0027,00[A ]| silent and stood stockstill a moment, before resuming whatever 02:0027,00[A ]| it was she had abandoned or setting about some new task. Sapo 02:0027,00[A ]| remained alone, by the window, the bowl of goat's milk on the 02:0027,00[A ]| table before him, forgotten. It was summer. The room was 02:0027,00[A ]| dark in spite of the door and window open on the great outer 02:0027,00[A ]| light. Through these narrow openings, far apart, the light 02:0027,00[A ]| poured, lit up a little space, then died, undiffused. It had no 02:0027,00[A ]| steadfastness, no assurance of lasting as long as day lasted. But 02:0027,00[A ]| it entered at every moment, renewed from without, entered and 02:0027,00[A ]| died at every moment, devoured by the dark. And at the least 02:0027,00[A ]| abatement of the inflow the room grew darker and darker until 02:0027,00[A ]| nothing in it was visible any more. For the dark had triumphed. 02:0027,00[A ]| And Sapo, his face turned towards a earth so resplendent that 02:0027,00[A ]| it hurt his eyes, felt at his back and all about him the unconquerable 02:0027,00[A ]| dark, and it licked the light on his face. Sometimes 02:0027,00[A ]| abruptly he turned to$9$ face it, letting it envelop and pervade 02:0027,00[A ]| him, with a kind of relief. Then he heard more clearly the 02:0027,00[A ]| sounds of those at work, the daughter calling to$4$ her$2$ goats, the 02:0027,00[A ]| father cursing his mule. But silence was in the heart of the 02:0027,00[A ]| dark, the silence of dust and the things that would never stir, 02:0027,00[A ]| if left alone. And the ticking of the invisible alarm-clock was as 02:0027,00[A ]| the voice of that silence which, like the dark, would one day 02:0027,00[A ]| triumph too. And then all would be$1$ still and dark and all things 02:0027,00[A ]| at rest for*ever at last. Finally he took from his pocket the few 02:0027,00[A ]| poor gifts he had brought, laid them on the table and went. 02:0027,00[A ]| But it sometimes happened, before he decided to$9$ go, before he 02:0027,00[A ]| went rather, for there was no decision, that a hen, taking advantage 02:0027,35[A ]| of the open door, would venture into the room. No 02:0027,36[A ]| sooner had she crossed the threshold than she paused, one 02:0028,00[A ]| leg hooked up under her$2$ breech, her$2$ head on one side, blinking, 02:0028,00[A ]| anxious. Then, reassured, she advanced a little further, jerkily, 02:0028,00[A ]| with concertina neck. It was a grey hen, perhaps the grey hen. 02:0028,00[A ]| Sapo got to$9$ know her$6$ well and, it seemed to$4$ him, to$9$ be$1$ well 02:0028,00[A ]| known by her$6$. If he rose to$9$ go she did not fly into a flutter. 02:0028,00[A ]| But perhaps there were several hens, all grey and so alike in 02:0028,00[A ]| other respects that Sapo's eye, avid of resemblances, could not 02:0028,00[A ]| tell between them. Sometimes she was followed by a second, a 02:0028,00[A ]| third and even a fourth, bearing no likeness to$4$ her$6$, and but 02:0028,00[A ]| little to$4$ one another, in the matter of plumage and entasis. 02:0028,00[A ]| These showed more confidence than the grey, who had led the 02:0028,00[A ]| way and come to$4$ no harm. They shone a instant in the light, 02:0028,00[A ]| grew dimmer and dimmer as they advanced, and finally vanished. 02:0028,00[A ]| Silent at first, fearing to$9$ betray their presence, they began 02:0028,00[A ]| gradually to$9$ scratch and cluck, for contentment, and to$9$ relax 02:0028,00[A ]| their soughing feathers. But often the grey hen came alone, or 02:0028,00[A ]| one of the grey hens if you prefer, for that is a thing that will 02:0028,00[A ]| never be$1$ known, though it might well have$1$ been, without much 02:0028,00[A ]| trouble. For all that was necessary, in order that it might be$1$ 02:0028,00[A ]| known whether there was only one grey hen or more than one, 02:0028,00[A ]| was for someone to$9$ be$1$ present when all the hens came running 02:0028,00[A ]| towards Mrs*Lambert as she cried, Tweet! Tweet!, and banged 02:0028,00[A ]| on a old tin with a old spoon. But after all what use would 02:0028,00[A ]| that have$1$ been? For it was quite possible there were several 02:0028,00[A ]| grey hens, and yet only one in the habit of coming to$4$ the 02:0028,00[A ]| kitchen. And yet the experiment was worth making. For it was 02:0028,00[A ]| quite possible there was only one grey hen, even at feeding-time. 02:0028,00[A ]| Which would have$1$ clinched the matter. And yet that is a thing 02:0028,00[A ]| that will never be$1$ known. For among those who must have$1$ 02:0028,00[A ]| known, some are dead and the others have forgotten. And the 02:0028,00[A ]| day when it was urgent for Sapo to$9$ have$1$ this point cleared up, 02:0028,00[A ]| and his mind set at rest, it was too late. Then he was sorry he 02:0028,00[A ]| had not understood, in time to$9$ profit by it, the importance that 02:0028,00[A ]| those hours were one day to$9$ assume, for him, those long hours 02:0028,00[A ]| in that old kitchen where, neither quite indoors nor quite out 02:0028,00[A ]| of doors, he waited to$9$ be$1$ on his feet again, and in motion, and 02:0029,00[A ]| while waiting noted many things, among them this big, anxious, 02:0029,00[A ]| ashen bird, poised irresolute on the bright threshold, then clucking 02:0029,00[A ]| and clawing behind the range and fidgeting her$2$ atrophied 02:0029,00[A ]| wings, soon to$9$ be$1$ sent flying with a broom and angry cries and 02:0029,00[A ]| soon to$9$ return, cautiously, with little hesitant steps, stopping 02:0029,00[A ]| often to$9$ listen, opening and shutting her$2$ little bright black 02:0029,00[A ]| eyes. And so he went, all unsuspecting, with the fond impression 02:0029,00[A ]| of having been present at everyday scenes of no import. He 02:0029,00[A ]| stooped to$9$ cross the threshold and saw before him the well, 02:0029,00[A ]| with its winch, chain and bucket, and often too a long line of 02:0029,00[A ]| tattered washing, swaying and drying in the sun. He went by 02:0029,00[A ]| the little path he had come by, along the edge of the meadow in 02:0029,00[A ]| the shadow of the great trees that bordered the stream, its 02:0029,00[A ]| bed a chaos of gnarled roots, boulders and baked mud. And 02:0029,00[A ]| so he went, often unnoticed, in spite of his strange walk, his 02:0029,00[A ]| halts and sudden starts. Or the Lamberts saw him, from far 02:0029,00[A ]| off or from near by, or some of them from far off and the others 02:0029,00[A ]| from near by, suddenly emerge from behind the washing and 02:0029,00[A ]| set off down the path. Then they did not try to$9$ detain him or 02:0029,00[A ]| even call goodbye, unresentful at his leaving them in a way that 02:0029,00[A ]| seemed so lacking in friendliness, for they knew he meant no 02:0029,00[A ]| harm. Or if at the time they could not help feeling a little hurt, 02:0029,00[A ]| this feeling was quite dispelled a little later, when they found 02:0029,00[A ]| on the kitchen-table the crumpled paper-bag containing a few 02:0029,00[A ]| little articles of haberdashery. And these humble presents, but 02:0029,00[A ]| oh how useful, and this oh so delicate way of giving, disarmed 02:0029,00[A ]| them too at the sight of the bowl of goat's milk only half emptied, 02:0029,00[A ]| or left untouched, and prevented them from regarding this as 02:0029,00[A ]| a affront, in the way tradition required. But it would appear 02:0029,00[A ]| on reflection that Sapo's departure can seldom have$1$ escaped 02:0029,00[A ]| them. For at the least moment within sight of their land, were 02:0029,00[A ]| it only that of a little bird alighting or taking to$4$ wing, they 02:0029,00[A ]| raised their heads and stared with wide eyes. And even on 02:0029,00[A ]| the road, of which segments were visible more than a mile away, 02:0029,00[A ]| nothing could happen without their knowledge, and they were 02:0029,00[A ]| able not only to$9$ identify all those who passed along it and whose 02:0030,00[A ]| remoteness reduced them to$4$ the size of a pin's head, but also 02:0030,00[A ]| to$9$ divine whence they were coming, where they were going, 02:0030,00[A ]| and for what purpose. Then they cried the news to$4$ one another, 02:0030,00[A ]| for they often worked at a great distance apart, or they exchanged 02:0030,00[A ]| signals, all erect and turned towards the event, for it was one, 02:0030,00[A ]| before bowing themselves down to$4$ the earth again. And at the 02:0030,00[A ]| first spell of rest taken in common, about the table or elsewhere, 02:0030,00[A ]| each one gave his version of what had passed and listened to$4$ 02:0030,00[A ]| those of the others. And if at first they were not in agreement 02:0030,00[A ]| about what they had seen, they talked it over doggedly until 02:0030,00[A ]| they were, in agreement I mean, or until they resigned themselves 02:0030,00[A ]| to$4$ never being so. It was therefore difficult for Sapo to$9$ 02:0030,00[A ]| glide away unseen, even in the deep shadow of the trees that 02:0030,00[A ]| bordered the stream, even supposing him to$9$ have$1$ been capable 02:0030,00[A ]| of gliding, for his movements were rather those of one floundering 02:0030,00[A ]| in a quag. And all raised their heads and watched him as 02:0030,00[A ]| he went, then looked at one another, before stooping to$4$ the 02:0030,00[A ]| earth again. And on each face bent to$4$ the earth there played 02:0030,00[A ]| perhaps a little smile, a little rictus rather, but without malice, 02:0030,00[A ]| each wondering perhaps if the others felt the same thing and 02:0030,00[A ]| making the resolve to$9$ ask them, at their next meeting. But the 02:0030,00[A ]| face of Sapo as he stumbled away, now in the shadow of the 02:0030,00[A ]| venerable trees he could not name, now in the brightness of 02:0030,00[A ]| the waving meadow, so erratic was his course, the face of Sapo 02:0030,00[A ]| was as always grave, or rather expressionless. And when he 02:0030,00[A ]| halted it was not the better to$9$ think, or the closer to$9$ pore upon 02:0030,00[A ]| his dream, but simply because the voice had ceased that told 02:0030,00[A ]| him to$9$ go on. Then with his pale eyes he stared down at the 02:0030,00[A ]| earth, blind to$4$ its beauty, and to$4$ its utility, and to$4$ the little 02:0030,00[A ]| wild many-coloured flowers happy among the crops and weeds. 02:0030,00[A ]| But these stations were short-lived for he was still young. And 02:0030,00[A ]| of a sudden he is off again, on his wanderings, passing from 02:0030,00[A ]| light to$4$ shadow, from shadow to$4$ light, unheedingly. 02:0030,00@@@@@| 02:0030,00[A ]| When I stop, as just now, the noises begin again, strangely 02:0030,00[A ]| loud, those whose turn it is. So that I seem to$9$ have$1$ again the 02:0031,00[A ]| hearing of my boyhood. Then in my bed. in the dark, on stormy 02:0031,00[A ]| nights, I could tell from one another, in the outcry without, the 02:0031,00[A ]| leaves, the boughs, the groaning trunks, even the grasses and 02:0031,00[A ]| the house that sheltered me. Each tree had its own cry, just as 02:0031,00[A ]| no two whispered alike, when the air was still. I heard afar the 02:0031,00[A ]| iron gates clashing and dragging at their posts and the wind 02:0031,00[A ]| rushing between their bars. There was nothing, not even the 02:0031,00[A ]| sand on the paths, that did not utter its cry. The still nights too, 02:0031,00[A ]| still as the grave as the saying is, were nights of storm for me, 02:0031,00[A ]| clamorous with countless pantings. These I amused myself with 02:0031,00[A ]| identifying, as I lay there. Yes, I got great amusement, when 02:0031,00[A ]| young, from their so-called silence. The sound I liked best had 02:0031,00[A ]| nothing noble about it. It was the barking of the dogs, at night, 02:0031,00[A ]| in the clusters of hovels up in the hills, where the stone-cutters 02:0031,00[A ]| lived, like generations of stone-cutters before them. It came down 02:0031,00[A ]| to$4$ me where I lay, in the house in the plain, wild and soft, at the 02:0031,00[A ]| limit of earshot, soon weary. The dogs of the valley replied with 02:0031,00[A ]| their gross bay all fangs and jaws and foam. From the hills another 02:0031,00[A ]| joy came down, I mean the brief scattered lights that 02:0031,00[A ]| sprang up on their slopes at nightfall, merging in blurs scarcely 02:0031,00[A ]| brighter than the sky, less bright than the stars, and which the 02:0031,00[A ]| palest moon extinguished. They were things that scarcely were, 02:0031,00[A ]| on the confines of silence and dark, and soon ceased. So I reason 02:0031,00[A ]| now, at my ease. Standing before my high window I gave myself 02:0031,00[A ]| to$4$ them, waiting for them to$9$ end, for my joy to$9$ end, straining 02:0031,00[A ]| towards the joy of ended joy. But our business at the moment 02:0031,00[A ]| is less with these futilities than with my ears from which there 02:0031,00[A ]| spring two impetuous tufts of no doubt yellow hair, yellowed 02:0031,00[A ]| by wax and lack of care, and so long that the lobes are hidden. 02:0031,00[A ]| I note then, without emotion, that of late their hearing seems to$9$ 02:0031,00[A ]| have$1$ improved. Oh not that I was ever even incompletely deaf. 02:0031,00[A ]| But for a long time now I have been hearing things confusedly. 02:0031,00[A ]| There I go again. What I mean is possibly this, that the noises 02:0031,00[A ]| of the world, so various in themselves and which I used to$9$ be$1$ 02:0031,00[A ]| so clever at distinguishing from one another, had been dinning 02:0031,00[A ]| at me for so long, always the same old noises, as gradually to$9$ 02:0032,00[A ]| have$1$ merged into a single noise, so that all I heard was one vast 02:0032,00[A ]| continuous buzzing. The volume of sound perceived remained 02:0032,00[A ]| no doubt the same, I had simply lost the faculty of decomposing 02:0032,00[A ]| it. The noises of nature, of mankind and even my own, were all 02:0032,00[A ]| jumbled together in one and the same unbridled gibberish. 02:0032,00[A ]| Enough. I would willingly attribute part of my shall I say$1$ my 02:0032,00[A ]| misfortunes to$4$ this disordered sense were I not unfortunately 02:0032,00[A ]| rather inclined to$9$ look upon it as a blessing. Misfortunes, blessings, 02:0032,00[A ]| I have no time to$9$ pick my words, I am in a hurry to$9$ be$1$ 02:0032,00[A ]| done. And yet no, I am in no hurry. Decidedly this evening I 02:0032,00[A ]| shall say$1$ nothing that is not false, I mean nothing that is not 02:0032,00[A ]| calculated to$9$ leave me in doubt as to$4$ my real intentions. For it 02:0032,00[A ]| is evening, even night, one of the darkest I can remember, I 02:0032,00[A ]| have a short memory. My little finger glides before my pencil 02:0032,00[A ]| across the page and gives warning, falling over the edge, that 02:0032,00[A ]| the end of the line is near. But in the other direction, I mean 02:0032,00[A ]| of course vertically, I have nothing to$9$ guide me. I did not want 02:0032,00[A ]| to$9$ write, but I had to$9$ resign myself to$4$ it in the end. It is in order 02:0032,00[A ]| to$9$ know where I have got to$4$, where he has got to$4$. At first I did 02:0032,00[A ]| not write, I just said the thing. Then I forgot what I had said. 02:0032,00[A ]| A minimum of memory is indispensable, if one is to$9$ live really. 02:0032,00[A ]| Take his family, for example, I really know practically nothing 02:0032,00[A ]| about his family any more. But that does not worry me, there is 02:0032,00[A ]| a record of it somewhere. It is the only way to$9$ keep a eye on 02:0032,00[A ]| him. But as far as I myself am concerned the same necessity 02:0032,00[A ]| does not arise, or does it? And yet I write about myself with the 02:0032,00[A ]| same pencil and in the same exercise-book as about him. It is 02:0032,00[A ]| because it is no longer I, I must have$1$ said so long ago, but another 02:0032,00[A ]| whose life is just beginning. It is right that he too should 02:0032,00[A ]| have$1$ his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be$1$ able 02:0032,00[A ]| to$9$ recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so 02:0032,00[A ]| grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day 02:0032,00[A ]| like any other day, only shorter. That is my excuse. But there 02:0032,00[A ]| must be$1$ others, no less excellent. Yes, it is quite dark. I can see 02:0032,00[A ]| nothing. I can scarcely even see the window-pane, or the wall 02:0032,00[A ]| forming with it so sharp a contrast that it often looks like the 02:0033,00[A ]| edge of a abyss. I hear the noise of my little finger as it glides 02:0033,00[A ]| over the paper and then that so different of the pencil following 02:0033,00[A ]| after. That is what surprises me and makes me say$1$ that something 02:0033,00[A ]| must have$1$ changed. Whence that child I might have$1$ been, why 02:0033,00[A ]| not? And I hear also, there we are at last, I hear a choir, far 02:0033,00[A ]| enough away for me not to$9$ hear it when it goes soft. It is a 02:0033,00[A ]| song I know, I do not know how, and when it fades, and when it 02:0033,00[A ]| dies quite away, it goes on inside me, but too slow, or too fast, 02:0033,00[A ]| for when it comes on the air to$4$ me again it is not together with 02:0033,00[A ]| mine, but behind, or ahead. It is a mixed choir, or I am greatly 02:0033,00[A ]| deceived. With children too perhaps. I have the absurd feeling 02:0033,00[A ]| it is conducted by a woman. It has been singing the same song 02:0033,00[A ]| for a long time now. They must be$1$ rehearsing. It belongs already 02:0033,00[A ]| to$4$ the long past, it has uttered for the last time the triumphal 02:0033,00[A ]| cry on which it ends. Can it be$1$ Easter Week? Thus with the year 02:0033,00[A ]| Seasons return. If it can, could not this song I have just heard, 02:0033,00[A ]| and which quite frankly is not yet quite stilled within me, could 02:0033,00[A ]| not this song have$1$ simply been to$4$ the honour and glory of him 02:0033,00[A ]| who was the first to$9$ rise from the dead, to$4$ him who saved me, 02:0033,00[A ]| twenty centuries in advance? Did I say$1$ the first? The final bawl 02:0033,00[A ]| lends colour to$4$ this view. 02:0033,00[A ]| 02:0033,00[A ]| I fear I must have$1$ fallen asleep again. In vain I grope, I can not 02:0033,00[A ]| find my exercise-book. But I still have the pencil in my 02:0033,00[A ]| hand. I shall have$1$ to$9$ wait for day to$9$ break. God knows what 02:0033,00[A ]| I am going to$9$ do$1$ till then. 02:0033,00[A ]| 02:0033,00[A ]| I have just written, I fear I must have$1$ fallen, etc. I hope this 02:0033,00[A ]| is not too great a distortion of the truth. I now add these few 02:0033,00[A ]| lines, before departing from myself again. I do not depart from 02:0033,00[A ]| myself now with the same avidity as a week ago for example. 02:0033,00[A ]| For this must be$1$ going on now for over a week, it must be$1$ over 02:0033,00[A ]| a week since I said, I shall soon be$1$ quite dead at last, etc. Wrong 02:0033,00[A ]| again. That is not what I said, I could swear to$4$ it, that is what 02:0033,00[A ]| I wrote. This last phrase seems familiar, suddenly I seem to$9$ 02:0033,00[A ]| have$1$ written it somewhere before, or spoken it, word for word. 02:0034,00[A ]| Yes, I shall soon be$1$, etc., that is what I wrote when I realized I 02:0034,00[A ]| did not know what I had said, at the beginning of my say$0$, and 02:0034,00[A ]| subsequently, and that consequently the plan I had formed, to$9$ 02:0034,00[A ]| live, and cause to$9$ live, at last, to$9$ play at last and die alive, was 02:0034,00[A ]| going the way of all my other plans. I think the dawn was not 02:0034,00[A ]| so slow in coming as I had feared, I really do. But I feared 02:0034,00[A ]| nothing, I fear nothing any more. High summer is truly at hand. 02:0034,00[A ]| Turned towards the window I saw the pane shiver at last, before 02:0034,00[A ]| the ghastly sunrise. It is no ordinary pane, it brings me sunset 02:0034,00[A ]| and it brings me sunrise. The exercise-book had fallen to$4$ the 02:0034,00[A ]| ground. I took a long time to$9$ find it. It was under the bed. How 02:0034,00[A ]| are such things possible? I took a long time to$9$ recover it. I 02:0034,00[A ]| had to$9$ harpoon it. It is not pierced through and through, but 02:0034,00[A ]| it is in a bad way. It is a thick exercise-book. I hope it will see 02:0034,00[A ]| me out. From now on I shall write on both sides of the page. 02:0034,00[A ]| Where does it come from? I do not know. I found it, just like 02:0034,00[A ]| that, the day I needed it. Knowing perfectly well I had no 02:0034,00[A ]| exercise-book I rummaged in my possessions in the hope of 02:0034,00[A ]| finding one. I was not disappointed, not surprised. If to-morrow 02:0034,00[A ]| I needed a old love-letter I would adopt the same method. It 02:0034,00[A ]| is ruled in squares. The first pages are covered with ciphers and 02:0034,00[A ]| other symbols and diagrams, with here and there a brief phrase. 02:0034,00[A ]| Calculations, I reckon. They seem to$9$ stop suddenly, prematurely 02:0034,00[A ]| at all events. As though discouraged. Perhaps it is astronomy, 02:0034,00[A ]| or astrology. I did not look closely. I drew a line, no, I did not 02:0034,00[A ]| even draw a line, and I wrote, Soon I shall be$1$ quite dead at 02:0034,00[A ]| last, and so on, without even going on to$4$ the next page, which 02:0034,00[A ]| was blank. Good. Now I need not dilate on this exercise-book 02:0034,00[A ]| when it comes to$4$ the inventory, but merely say, Item, a exercise-book, 02:0034,00[A ]| giving perhaps the colour of the cover. But I may well 02:0034,00[A ]| lose it between now and then, for good and all. The pencil on 02:0034,00[A ]| the contrary is a old acquaintance, I must have$1$ had it about 02:0034,00[A ]| me when I was brought here. It has five faces. It is very short. 02:0034,00[A ]| It is pointed at both ends. A Venus. I hope it will see me out. 02:0034,00[A ]| I was saying I did not depart from myself now with quite the 02:0034,00[A ]| same alacrity. That must be$1$ in the natural order of things, all 02:0035,00[A ]| that pertains to$4$ me must be$1$ written there, including my inability 02:0035,00[A ]| to$9$ grasp what order is meant. For I have never seen any sign 02:0035,00[A ]| of any, inside me or outside me. I have pinned my faith to$4$ appearances, 02:0035,00[A ]| believing them to$9$ be$1$ vain. I shall not go into the 02:0035,00[A ]| details. Choke, go down, come up, choke, suppose, deny, affirm, 02:0035,00[A ]| drown. I depart from myself less gladly. Amen. I waited for the 02:0035,00[A ]| dawn. Doing what? I do not know. What I had to$9$ do$1$. I watched 02:0035,00[A ]| for the window. I gave rein to$4$ my pains, my impotence. And 02:0035,00[A ]| in the end it seemed to$4$ me, for a second, that I was going to$9$ 02:0035,00[A ]| have$1$ a visit! 02:0035,00@@@@@| 02:0035,00[A ]| The summer holidays were drawing to$4$ a close. The decisive 02:0035,00[A ]| moment was at hand when the hopes reposed in Sapo were to$9$ 02:0035,00[A ]| be$1$ fulfilled, or dashed to$4$ the ground. He is trained to$4$ a hair, 02:0035,00[A ]| said Mr*Saposcat. And Mrs*Saposcat, whose piety grew warm in 02:0035,00[A ]| times of crisis, prayed for his success. Kneeling at her$2$ bedside, 02:0035,00[A ]| in her$2$ night-dress, she ejaculated, silently, for her$2$ husband would 02:0035,00[A ]| not have$1$ approved, Oh God grant he pass, grant he pass, grant 02:0035,00[A ]| he scrape through! 02:0035,00[A ]| When this first ordeal was surmounted there would be$1$ others, 02:0035,00[A ]| every year, several times a year. But it seemed to$4$ the Saposcats 02:0035,00[A ]| that these would be$1$ less terrible than the first which was to$9$ give 02:0035,00[A ]| them, or deny them, the right to$9$ say$1$, He is doing his medicine, 02:0035,00[A ]| or, He is reading for the bar. For they felt that a more or less 02:0035,00[A ]| normal if unintelligent youth, once admitted to$4$ the study of 02:0035,00[A ]| these professions, was almost sure to$9$ be$1$ certified, sooner or 02:0035,00[A ]| later, apt to$9$ exercise them. For they had experience of doctors, 02:0035,00[A ]| and of lawyers, like most people. 02:0035,00[A ]| One day Mr*Saposcat sold himself a fountain-pen, at a discount. 02:0035,00[A ]| A Bird. I shall give it to$4$ him on the morning of the examination, 02:0035,00[A ]| he said. He took off the long cardboard lid and 02:0035,00[A ]| showed the pen to$4$ his wife. Leave it in its box! he cried, as she 02:0035,00[A ]| made to$9$ take it in her$2$ hand. It lay almost hidden in the scrolled 02:0035,00[A ]| leaflet containing the instructions for use. Mr*Saposcat parted 02:0035,00[A ]| the edges of the paper and held up the box for his wife to$9$ look 02:0035,00[A ]| inside. But she, instead of looking at the pen, looked at him. 02:0036,01[A ]| He named the price. Might it not be$1$ better, she said, to$9$ let him 02:0036,00[A ]| have$1$ it the day before, to$9$ give him time to$9$ get used to$4$ the nib? 02:0036,00[A ]| You are right, he said, I had not thought of that. Or even two 02:0036,00[A ]| days before, she said, to$9$ give him time to$9$ change the nib if it 02:0036,00[A ]| does not suit him. A bird, its yellow beak agape to$9$ show it was 02:0036,00[A ]| singing, adorned the lid, which Mr*Saposcat now put on again. 02:0036,00[A ]| He wrapped with expert hands the box in tissue-paper and 02:0036,00[A ]| slipped over it a narrow rubber band. He was not pleased. It is 02:0036,00[A ]| a medium nib, he said, and it will certainly suit him. 02:0036,00[A ]| This conversation was renewed the next day. Mr*Saposcat said, 02:0036,00[A ]| Might it not be$1$ better if we just lent him the pen and told him 02:0036,00[A ]| he could keep it for his own, if he passed? Then we must do$1$ so 02:0036,00[A ]| at once, said Mrs*Saposcat, otherwise there is no point in it. 02:0036,00[A ]| To$4$ which Mr*Saposcat made, after a silence, a first objection, 02:0036,00[A ]| and then, after a second silence, a second objection. He first 02:0036,00[A ]| objected that his son, if he received the pen forthwith, would 02:0036,00[A ]| have$1$ time to$9$ break it, or lose it, before the paper. He secondly 02:0036,00[A ]| objected that his son, if he received the pen immediately, and 02:0036,00[A ]| assuming he neither broke nor lost it, would have$1$ time to$9$ get 02:0036,00[A ]| so used to$4$ it and, by comparing it with the pens of his less impoverished 02:0036,00[A ]| friends, so familiar with its defects, that its possession 02:0036,00[A ]| would no longer tempt him. I did not know it was a inferior 02:0036,00[A ]| article, said Mrs*Saposcat. Mr*Saposcat placed his hand on the 02:0036,00[A ]| table-cloth and sat gazing at it for some time. Then he laid 02:0036,00[A ]| down his napkin and left the room. Adrian, cried Mrs*Saposcat, 02:0036,00[A ]| come back and finish your sweet! Alone before the table she 02:0036,00[A ]| listened to$4$ the steps on the garden-path, clearer, fainter, clearer, 02:0036,00[A ]| fainter. 02:0036,00[A ]| 02:0036,00[A ]| The Lamberts. One day Sapo arrived at the farm earlier than 02:0036,00[A ]| usual. But do we know what time he usually arrived? Lengthening, 02:0036,00[A ]| fading shadows. He was surprised to$9$ see, at a distance, 02:0036,00[A ]| in the midst of the young stubble, the father's big red and white 02:0036,00[A ]| head. His body was in the hole or pit he had dug for his mule, 02:0036,00[A ]| which had died during the night. Edmund came out of the house, 02:0036,00[A ]| wiping his mouth, and joined him. Lambert then climbed out of 02:0037,00[A ]| the hole and the son went down into it. Drawing closer Sapo 02:0037,00[A ]| saw the mule's black corpse. Then all became clear to$4$ him. The 02:0037,00[A ]| mule was lying on its side, as was to$9$ be$1$ expected. The forelegs 02:0037,00[A ]| were stretched out straight and rigid, the hind drawn up under the 02:0037,00[A ]| belly. The yawning jaws, the wreathed lips, the enormous teeth, 02:0037,00[A ]| the bulging eyes, composed a striking death's-head. Edmund 02:0037,00[A ]| handed up to$4$ his father the pick, the shovel and the spade and 02:0037,00[A ]| climbed out of the hole. Together they dragged the mule by 02:0037,00[A ]| the legs to$4$ the edge of the hole and heaved it in, on its back. 02:0037,00[A ]| The forelegs, pointing towards heaven, projected above the level 02:0037,00[A ]| of the ground. Old Lambert banged them down with his spade. 02:0037,00[A ]| He handed the spade to$4$ his son and went towards the house. 02:0037,00[A ]| Edmund began to$9$ fill up the hole. Sapo stood watching him. 02:0037,00[A ]| A great calm stole over him. Great calm is a exaggeration. He 02:0037,00[A ]| felt better. The end of a life is always vivifying. Edmund paused 02:0037,00[A ]| to$9$ rest, leaned panting on the spade and smiled. There were 02:0037,00[A ]| great pink gaps in his front teeth. Big Lambert sat by the window, 02:0037,00[A ]| smoking, drinking, watching his son. Sapo sat down 02:0037,00[A ]| before him, laid his hand on the table and his head on his 02:0037,00[A ]| hand, thinking he was alone. Between his head and his hand he 02:0037,00[A ]| slipped the other hand and sat there marble still. Lambert began 02:0037,00[A ]| to$9$ talk. He seemed in good spirits. The mule, in his opinion, 02:0037,00[A ]| had died of old age. He had bought it, two years before, on 02:0037,00[A ]| its way to$4$ the slaughter-house. So he could not complain. After 02:0037,00[A ]| the transaction the owner of the mule predicted that it would drop 02:0037,00[A ]| down dead at the first ploughing. But Lambert was a connoisseur 02:0037,00[A ]| of mules. In the case of mules it is the eye that counts, the 02:0037,00[A ]| rest is unimportant. So he looked the mule full in the eye, at 02:0037,00[A ]| the gates of the slaughter-house, and saw it could still be$1$ made 02:0037,00[A ]| to$9$ serve. And the mule returned his gaze, in the yard of the 02:0037,00[A ]| slaughter-house. As Lambert unfolded his story the slaughter-house 02:0037,00[A ]| loomed larger and larger. Thus the site of the transaction 02:0037,00[A ]| shifted gradually from the road that led to$4$ the slaughter-house 02:0037,00[A ]| to$4$ the gates of the slaughter-house and thence to$4$ the yard itself. 02:0037,00[A ]| Yet a little while and he would have$1$ contended for the mule with 02:0038,00[A ]| the knacker. The look in his eye, he said, was like a prayer to$4$ 02:0038,00[A ]| me to$9$ take him. It was covered with sores, but in the case of 02:0038,00[A ]| mules one should never let oneself be$1$ deterred by senile sores. 02:0038,00[A ]| Someone said, He has done ten miles already, you will never get him 02:0038,00[A ]| home, he will drop down dead on the road. I thought I might 02:0038,00[A ]| screw six months out of him, said Lambert, and I screwed two 02:0038,00[A ]| years. All the time he told this story he kept his eyes fixed on 02:0038,00[A ]| his son. There they sat, the table between them, in the gloom, one 02:0038,00[A ]| speaking, the other listening, and far removed, the one from 02:0038,00[A ]| what he said, the other from what he heard, and far from each 02:0038,00[A ]| other. The heap of earth was dwindling, the earth shone 02:0038,00[A ]| strangely in the raking evening light, glowing in patches as 02:0038,00[A ]| though with its own fires, in the fading light. Edmund stopped 02:0038,00[A ]| often to$9$ rest, leaning on the spade and looking about him. The 02:0038,00[A ]| slaughter-house, said Lambert, that is where I buy my beasts, will 02:0038,00[A ]| you look at that loafer. He went out and set to$9$ work, beside his 02:0038,00[A ]| son. They worked together for a time, heedless of each other. 02:0038,00[A ]| Then the son dropped his shovel, turned aside and moved slowly 02:0038,00[A ]| away, passing from toil to$9$ rest in a single unbroken movement 02:0038,00[A ]| that did not seem of his doing. The mule was no longer visible. 02:0038,00[A ]| The face of the earth, on which it had plodded its life away, 02:0038,00[A ]| would see it no more, toiling before the plough, or the dray. 02:0038,00[A ]| And Big Lambert would soon be$1$ able to$9$ plough and harrow the 02:0038,00[A ]| place where it lay, with another mule, or a old horse, or a old 02:0038,00[A ]| ox, bought at the knacker's yard, knowing that the share would 02:0038,00[A ]| not turn up the putrid flesh or be$1$ blunted by the big bones. For 02:0038,00[A ]| he knew how the dead and buried tend, contrary to$4$ what one 02:0038,00[A ]| might expect, to$9$ rise to$4$ the surface, in which they resemble the 02:0038,00[A ]| drowned. And he had made allowance for this when digging the 02:0038,00[A ]| hole. Edmund and his mother passed each other by in silence. She 02:0038,00[A ]| had been to$9$ see a neighbour, to$9$ borrow a pound of lentils for 02:0038,00[A ]| their supper. She was thinking of the handsome steelyard that 02:0038,00[A ]| had served to$9$ weigh them and wondering if it was true. Before 02:0038,00[A ]| her$2$ husband too she rapidly passed, without a glance, and in his 02:0038,00[A ]| attitude there was nothing to$9$ suggest that he had seen her$6$ either. 02:0038,00[A ]| She lit the lamp where it stood at its usual place on the chimney-piece, 02:0039,00[A ]| beside the alarm-clock flanked in its turn by a crucifix 02:0039,00[A ]| hanging from a nail. The clock, being the lowest of the three, had 02:0039,00[A ]| to$9$ remain in the middle, and the lamp and crucifix could not 02:0039,00[A ]| change places because of the nail from which the latter was hung. 02:0039,00[A ]| She stood with her$2$ forehead and her$2$ hands pressed against the 02:0039,00[A ]| wall, until she might turn up the wick. She turned it up and put 02:0039,00[A ]| on the yellow globe which a large hole defaced. Seeing Sapo 02:0039,00[A ]| she first thought he was her$2$ daughter. Then her$2$ thoughts flew to$4$ 02:0039,00[A ]| the absent one. She set down the lamp on the table and the outer 02:0039,00[A ]| world went out. She sat down, emptied out the lentils on the 02:0039,00[A ]| table and began to$9$ sort them. So that soon there were two heaps 02:0039,00[A ]| on the table, one big heap getting smaller and one small heap 02:0039,00[A ]| getting bigger. But suddenly with a furious gesture she swept the 02:0039,00[A ]| two together, annihilating thus in less than a second the work 02:0039,00[A ]| of two or three minutes. Then she went away and came back with 02:0039,00[A ]| a saucepan. It will not kill them, she said, and with the heel of 02:0039,00[A ]| her$2$ hand she brought the lentils to$4$ the edge of the table and over 02:0039,00[A ]| the edge into the saucepan, as if all that mattered was not to$9$ 02:0039,00[A ]| be$1$ killed, but so clumsily and with such nervous haste that a 02:0039,00[A ]| great number fell wide of the pan to$4$ the ground. Then she took 02:0039,00[A ]| up the lamp and went out, to$9$ fetch wood perhaps, or a lump of 02:0039,00[A ]| fat bacon. Now that it was dark again in the kitchen the dark 02:0039,00[A ]| outside gradually lightened and Sapo, his eye against the window-pane, 02:0039,00[A ]| was able to$9$ discern certain shapes, including that of Big 02:0039,00[A ]| Lambert stamping the ground. To$9$ stop in the middle of a tedious 02:0039,00[A ]| and perhaps futile task was something that Sapo could readily 02:0039,00[A ]| understand. For a great number of tasks are of this kind, without 02:0039,00[A ]| a doubt, and the only way to$9$ end them is to$9$ abandon them. 02:0039,00[A ]| She could have$1$ gone on sorting her$2$ lentils all night and never 02:0039,00[A ]| achieved her$2$ purpose, which was to$9$ free them from all admixture. 02:0039,00[A ]| But in the end she would have$1$ stopped, saying, I have done all 02:0039,00[A ]| I can do$1$. But she would not have$1$ done all she could have$1$ done. 02:0039,00[A ]| But the moment comes when one desists, because it is the wisest 02:0039,00[A ]| thing to$9$ do$1$, discouraged, but not to$4$ the extent of undoing all 02:0039,00[A ]| that has been done. But what if her$2$ purpose, in sorting the lentils, 02:0039,00[A ]| were not to$9$ rid them of all that was not lentil, but only of the 02:0040,00[A ]| greater part, what then? I do not know. Whereas there are other 02:0040,00[A ]| tasks, other days, of which one may fairly safely say$1$ that they are 02:0040,00[A ]| finished, though I do not see which. She came back, holding the 02:0040,00[A ]| lamp high and a little to$4$ one side, so as not to$9$ be$1$ dazzled. In 02:0040,00[A ]| the other hand she held a white rabbit, by the hindlegs. For 02:0040,00[A ]| whereas the mule had been black, the rabbit had been white. It 02:0040,00[A ]| was dead already, it had ceased to$9$ be$1$. There are rabbits that 02:0040,00[A ]| die before they are killed, from sheer fright. They have time to$9$ 02:0040,00[A ]| do$1$ so while being taken out of the hutch, often by the ears, and 02:0040,00[A ]| disposed in the most convenient position to$9$ receive the blow, 02:0040,00[A ]| whether on the back of the neck or on some other part. And 02:0040,00[A ]| often you strike a corpse, without knowing it. For you have just 02:0040,00[A ]| seen the rabbit alive and well behind the wire meshing, nibbling 02:0040,00[A ]| at its leaves. And you congratulate yourself on having succeeded 02:0040,00[A ]| with the first blow, and not caused unnecessary suffering, whereas 02:0040,00[A ]| in reality you have taken all that trouble for nothing. This 02:0040,00[A ]| occurs most frequently at night, fright being greater in the night. 02:0040,00[A ]| Hens on the other hand are more stubborn livers and some have 02:0040,00[A ]| been observed, with the head already off, to$9$ cut a few last capers 02:0040,00[A ]| before collapsing. Pigeons too are less impressionable and sometimes 02:0040,00[A ]| even struggle, before choking to$4$ death. Mrs*Lambert was 02:0040,00[A ]| breathing hard. Little devil ! she cried. But Sapo was already 02:0040,00[A ]| far away, trailing his hand in the high waving meadow grasses. 02:0040,00[A ]| Soon afterwards Lambert, then his son, attracted by the savoury 02:0040,00[A ]| smell, entered the kitchen. Sitting at the table, face to$4$ face, their 02:0040,00[A ]| eyes averted from each other's eyes, they waited. But the woman, 02:0040,00[A ]| the mother, went to$4$ the door and called. Lizzy! she cried, again 02:0040,00[A ]| and again. Then she went back to$4$ her$2$ range. She had seen the 02:0040,00[A ]| moon. After a silence Lambert declared, I will kill Whitey to-morrow. 02:0040,00[A ]| Those of course were not the words he used, but that 02:0040,00[A ]| was the meaning. But neither his wife nor his son could approve 02:0040,00[A ]| him, the former because she would have$1$ preferred him to$9$ kill 02:0040,00[A ]| Blackey, the latter because he held that to$9$ kill the kids at such 02:0040,00[A ]| a early stage of their development, either of them, it was all 02:0040,00[A ]| the same to$4$ him, would be$1$ premature. But Big Lambert told 02:0040,00[A ]| them to$9$ hold their tongues and went to$4$ the corner to$9$ fetch the 02:0041,00[A ]| case containing the knives, three in number. All he had to$9$ do$1$ 02:0041,00[A ]| was to$9$ wipe off the grease and whet them a little on one another. 02:0041,00[A ]| Mrs*Lambert went back to$4$ the door, listened, called. In the 02:0041,00[A ]| far distance the flock replied. She is coming, she said. But a long 02:0041,00[A ]| time passed before she came. When the meal was over Edmund 02:0041,00[A ]| went up to$4$ bed, so as to$9$ masturbate in peace and comfort before 02:0041,00[A ]| his sister joined him, for they shared the same room. Not that 02:0041,00[A ]| he was restrained by modesty, when his sister was there. Nor was 02:0041,00[A ]| she, when her$2$ brother was there. Their quarters were cramped, 02:0041,00[A ]| certain refinements were not possible. Edmund then went up 02:0041,00[A ]| to$4$ bed, for no particular reason. He would have$1$ gladly slept with 02:0041,00[A ]| his sister, the father too, I mean the father would have$1$ gladly 02:0041,00[A ]| slept with his daughter, the time was long past and gone when 02:0041,00[A ]| he would have$1$ gladly slept with his sister. But something held 02:0041,00[A ]| them back. And she did not seem eager. But she was still young. 02:0041,00[A ]| Incest then was in the air. Mrs*Lambert, the only member of 02:0041,00[A ]| the household who had no desire to$9$ sleep with anybody, saw 02:0041,00[A ]| it coming with indifference. She went out. Alone with his daughter 02:0041,00[A ]| Lambert sat watching her$6$. She was crouched before the range, 02:0041,00[A ]| in a attitude of dejection. He told her$6$ to$9$ eat and she began to$9$ 02:0041,00[A ]| eat the remains of the rabbit, out of the pot, with a spoon. But 02:0041,00[A ]| it is hard to$9$ look steadily for any length of time at a fellow-creature, 02:0041,00[A ]| even when you are resolved to$9$, and suddenly Lambert 02:0041,00[A ]| saw his daughter at another place and otherwise engaged than in 02:0041,00[A ]| bringing the spoon up from the pot into her$2$ mouth and down 02:0041,00[A ]| from her$2$ mouth into the pot again. And yet he could have$1$ sworn 02:0041,00[A ]| that he had not taken his eyes off her$6$. He said, To-morrow we will 02:0041,00[A ]| kill Whitey, you can hold her$6$ if you like. But seeing her$6$ still so 02:0041,00[A ]| sad, and her$2$ cheeks wet with tears, he went towards her$6$. 02:0041,00[A ]| 02:0041,00[A ]| 02:0041,00[A ]| What tedium. If I went on to$4$ the stone? No, it would be$1$ the 02:0041,00[A ]| same thing. The Lamberts, the Lamberts, does it matter about 02:0041,00[A ]| the Lamberts? No, not particularly. But while I am with them 02:0041,00[A ]| the other is lost. How are my plans getting on, my plans, I had 02:0041,00[A ]| plans not so long ago. Perhaps I have another ten years ahead 02:0042,00[A ]| of me. The Lamberts! I shall try and go on all the same, a little 02:0042,00[A ]| longer, my thoughts elsewhere, I can not stay here. I shall hear 02:0042,00[A ]| myself talking, afar off, from my far mind, talking of the 02:0042,00[A ]| Lamberts, talking of myself, my mind wandering, far from here, 02:0042,00[A ]| among its ruins. 02:0042,00[A ]| 02:0042,00[A ]| 02:0042,00[A ]| Then Mrs*Lambert was alone in the kitchen. She sat down 02:0042,00[A ]| by the window and turned down the wick of the lamp, as she 02:0042,00[A ]| always did before blowing it out, for she did not like to$9$ blow 02:0042,00[A ]| out a lamp that was still hot. When she thought the chimney 02:0042,00[A ]| and shade had cooled sufficiently she got up and blew down the 02:0042,00[A ]| chimney. She stood a moment irresolute, bowed forward with 02:0042,00[A ]| her$2$ hands on the table, before she sat down again. Her$2$ day of toil 02:0042,00[A ]| over, day dawned on other toils within her$6$, on the crass tenacity 02:0042,00[A ]| of life and its diligent pains. Sitting, moving about, she bore 02:0042,00[A ]| them better than in bed. From the well of this unending weariness 02:0042,00[A ]| her$2$ sigh went up unendingly, for day when it was night, for night 02:0042,00[A ]| when it was day, and day and night, fearfully, for the light she 02:0042,00[A ]| had been told about, and told she could never understand, because 02:0042,00[A ]| it was not like those she knew, not like the summer dawn 02:0042,00[A ]| she knew would come again, to$4$ her$6$ waiting in the kitchen, sitting 02:0042,00[A ]| up straight on the chair, or bowed down over the table, with 02:0042,00[A ]| little sleep, little rest, but more than in her$2$ bed. Often she stood 02:0042,00[A ]| up and moved about the room, or out and round the ruinous 02:0042,00[A ]| old house. Five years now it had been going on, five or six, not 02:0042,00[A ]| more. She told herself she had a woman's disease, but half-heartedly. 02:0042,00[A ]| Night seemed less night in the kitchen pervaded with 02:0042,00[A ]| the everyday tribulations, day less dead. It helped her$6$, when 02:0042,00[A ]| things were bad, to$9$ cling with her$2$ fingers to$4$ the worn table at 02:0042,00[A ]| which her$2$ family would soon be$1$ united, waiting for her$6$ to$9$ serve 02:0042,00[A ]| them, and to$9$ feel about her$6$, ready for use, the lifelong pots and 02:0042,00[A ]| pans. She opened the door and looked out. The moon had gone, 02:0042,00[A ]| but the stars were shining. She stood gazing up at them. It was 02:0042,00[A ]| a scene that had sometimes solaced her$6$. She went to$4$ the well 02:0042,00[A ]| and grasped the chain. The bucket was at the bottom, the windlass 02:0043,00[A ]| locked. So it was. Her$2$ fingers strayed along the sinuous links. 02:0043,00[A ]| Her$2$ mind was a press of formless questions, mingling and crumbling 02:0043,00[A ]| limply away. Some seemed to$9$ have$1$ to$9$ do$1$ with her$2$ daughter, 02:0043,00[A ]| that minor worry, now Iying sleepless in her$2$ bed, listening. Hearing 02:0043,00[A ]| her$2$ mother moving about, she was on the point of getting 02:0043,00[A ]| up and going down to$4$ her$6$. But it was only the next day, or the 02:0043,00[A ]| day after, that she decided to$9$ tell her$6$ what Sapo had told her$6$, 02:0043,00[A ]| namely that he was going away and would not come back. Then, 02:0043,00[A ]| as people do when someone even insignificant dies, they summoned 02:0043,00[A ]| up such memories as he had left them, helping one another 02:0043,00[A ]| and trying to$9$ agree. But we all know that little flame and 02:0043,00[A ]| its flickerings in the wild shadows. And agreement only comes 02:0043,00[A ]| a little later, with the forgetting. 02:0043,00[A ]| 02:0043,00@@@@@| 02:0043,00[A ]| Mortal tedium. One day I took counsel of a Israelite on the 02:0043,00[A ]| subject of conation. That must have$1$ been when I was still looking 02:0043,00[A ]| for someone to$9$ be$1$ faithful to$4$ me, and for me to$9$ be$1$ faithful to$4$. 02:0043,00[A ]| Then I opened wide my eyes so that the candidates might admire 02:0043,00[A ]| their bottomless depths and the way they phosphoresced at all 02:0043,00[A ]| we left unspoken. Our faces were so close that I felt on mine 02:0043,00[A ]| the wafts of hot air and sprays of saliva, and he too, no doubt, 02:0043,00[A ]| on his. I can see him still, the fit of laughter past, wiping his 02:0043,00[A ]| eyes and mouth, and myself, with downcast eyes, pained by my 02:0043,00[A ]| wetted trousers and the little pool of urine at my feet. Now that 02:0043,00[A ]| I have no further use for him I may as well give his name, Jackson. 02:0043,00[A ]| I was sorry he had not a cat, or a young dog, or better still 02:0043,00[A ]| a old dog. But all he had to$9$ offer in the way of dumb companions 02:0043,00[A ]| was a pink and grey parrot. He used to$9$ try and teach 02:0043,00[A ]| it to$9$ say$1$, 7Nihil 7in 7intellectu, etc. These first three words the bird 02:0043,00[A ]| managed well enough, but the celebrated restriction was too 02:0043,00[A ]| much for it, all you heard was a series of squawks. This annoyed 02:0043,00[A ]| Jackson, who kept nagging at it to$9$ begin all over again. Then 02:0043,00[A ]| Polly flew into a rage and retreated to$4$ a corner of its cage. It was 02:0043,00[A ]| a very fine cage, with every convenience, perches, swings, trays, 02:0043,00[A ]| troughs, stairs and cuttle-bones. It was even overcrowded, personally 02:0044,01[A ]| I would have$1$ felt cramped. Jackson called me the merino, I 02:0044,00[A ]| do not know why, perhaps because of the French expression. I 02:0044,00[A ]| could not help thinking that the notion of a wandering herd was 02:0044,00[A ]| better adapted to$4$ him than to$4$ me. But I have never thought anything 02:0044,00[A ]| but wind, the same that was never measured to$4$ me. My 02:0044,00[A ]| relations with Jackson were of short duration. I could have$1$ put 02:0044,00[A ]| up with him as a friend, but unfortunately he found me disgusting, 02:0044,00[A ]| as did Johnson, Wilson, Nicholson and Watson, all whoresons. 02:0044,00[A ]| I then tried, for a space, to$9$ lay hold of a kindred spirit 02:0044,00[A ]| among the inferior races, red, yellow, chocolate, and so on. And 02:0044,00[A ]| if the plague-stricken had been less difficult of access I would 02:0044,00[A ]| have$1$ intruded on them too, ogling, sidling, leering, ineffing and 02:0044,00[A ]| conating, my heart palpitating. With the insane too I failed, by 02:0044,00[A ]| a hair's-breadth. That must have$1$ been the way with me then. But 02:0044,00[A ]| the point is rather what is the way with me now. When young 02:0044,00[A ]| the old filled me with wonder and awe. Bawling babies are what 02:0044,00[A ]| dumbfound me now. The house is full of them finally. Suave mari 02:0044,00[A ]| magno, especially for the old salt. What tedium. And I thought 02:0044,00[A ]| I had it all thought out. If I had the use of my body I would 02:0044,00[A ]| throw it out of the window. But perhaps it is the knowledge of 02:0044,00[A ]| my impotence that emboldens me to$4$ that thought. All hangs 02:0044,00[A ]| together, I am in chains. Unfortunately I do not know quite what 02:0044,00[A ]| floor I am on, perhaps I am only on the mezzanine. The doors 02:0044,00[A ]| banging, the steps on the stairs, the noises in the street, have not 02:0044,00[A ]| enlightened me, on this subject. All I know is that the living are 02:0044,00[A ]| there, above me and beneath me. It follows at least that I am not 02:0044,00[A ]| in the basement. And do I not sometimes see the sky and sometimes, 02:0044,00[A ]| through my window, other windows facing it apparently? 02:0044,00[A ]| But that proves nothing, I do not wish to$9$ prove anything. Or so I 02:0044,00[A ]| say. Perhaps after all I am in a kind of vault and this space which 02:0044,00[A ]| I take to$9$ be$1$ the street in reality no more than a wide trench or 02:0044,00[A ]| ditch with other vaults opening upon it. But the noises that rise 02:0044,00[A ]| up from below, the steps that come climbing towards me? Perhaps 02:0044,00[A ]| there are other vaults even deeper than mine, why not? In 02:0044,00[A ]| which case the question arises again as to$4$ which floor I am on, 02:0044,00[A ]| there is nothing to$9$ be$1$ gained by my saying I am in a basement 02:0045,00[A ]| if there are tiers of basements one on top of another. But the 02:0045,00[A ]| noises that I say rise up from below, the steps that I say come 02:0045,00[A ]| climbing towards me, do they really do so? I have no proof that 02:0045,00[A ]| they do. To$9$ conclude from this that I am a prey to$4$ hallucinations 02:0045,00[A ]| pure and simple is however a step I hesitate to$9$ take. And I honestly 02:0045,00[A ]| believe that in this house there are people coming and going 02:0045,00[A ]| and even conversing, and multitudes of fine babies, particularly 02:0045,00[A ]| of late, which the parents keep moving about from one place to$4$ 02:0045,00[A ]| another, to$9$ prevent their forming the habit of motionlessness, 02:0045,00[A ]| in anticipation of the day when they will have$1$ to$9$ move about unaided. 02:0045,00[A ]| But all things considered I would be$1$ hard set to$9$ say$1$ for 02:0045,00[A ]| certain where exactly they are, in relation to$4$ where exactly I am. 02:0045,00[A ]| And when all is said and done there is nothing more like a 02:0045,00[A ]| step that climbs than a step that descends or even that paces 02:0045,00[A ]| to$8$ and fro forever on the same level, I mean for one not only in 02:0045,00[A ]| ignorance of his position and consequently of what he is to$9$ expect, 02:0045,00[A ]| in the way of sounds, but at the same time more than 02:0045,00[A ]| half-deaf more than half the time. There is naturally another 02:0045,00[A ]| possibility that does not escape me though it would be$1$ a great 02:0045,00[A ]| disappointment to$9$ have$1$ it confirmed, and that is that I am 02:0045,00[A ]| dead already and that all continues more or less as when I was 02:0045,00[A ]| not. Perhaps I expired in the forest, or even earlier. In which 02:0045,00[A ]| case all the trouble I have been taking for some time past, for 02:0045,00[A ]| what purpose I do not clearly recall except that it was in some 02:0045,00[A ]| way connected with the feeling that my troubles were nearly 02:0045,00[A ]| over, has been to$4$ no purpose whatsoever. But my horse-sense 02:0045,00[A ]| tells me I have not yet quite ceased to$9$ gasp. And it summons 02:0045,00[A ]| in support of this view various considerations having to$9$ do$1$ for 02:0045,00[A ]| example with the little heap of my possessions, my system of 02:0045,00[A ]| nutrition and elimination, the couple across the way, the changing 02:0045,00[A ]| sky, and so on. Whereas in reality all that is perhaps nothing 02:0045,00[A ]| but my worms. Take for example the light that reigns in this 02:0045,00[A ]| den and of which the least that can be$1$ said, really the least, is 02:0045,00[A ]| that it is bizarre. I enjoy a kind of night and day, admittedly, 02:0045,00[A ]| often it is even pitch dark, but in rather a different way from the 02:0045,00[A ]| way to$4$ which I fancy I was accustomed, before I found myself 02:0046,00[A ]| here. Example, there is nothing like examples, I was once in 02:0046,00[A ]| utter darkness and waiting with some impatience for dawn to$9$ 02:0046,00[A ]| break, having need of its light to$9$ see to$4$ certain little things 02:0046,00[A ]| which it is difficult to$9$ see to$4$ in the dark. And sure enough little 02:0046,00[A ]| by little the dark lightened and I was able to$9$ hook with my 02:0046,00[A ]| stick the objects I required. But the light, instead of being 02:0046,00[A ]| the dawn, turned out in a very short time to$9$ be$1$ the dusk. And 02:0046,00[A ]| the sun, instead of rising higher and higher in the sky as I 02:0046,00[A ]| confidently expected, calmly set, and night, the passing of which 02:0046,00[A ]| I had just celebrated after my fashion, calmly fell again. Now 02:0046,00[A ]| the reverse, as you might say$1$, I mean day closing in the twilight 02:0046,00[A ]| of dawn, I must confess to$4$ never having experienced, and 02:0046,00[A ]| that goes to$4$ my heart, I mean that I can not bring myself to$9$ 02:0046,00[A ]| declare that I experienced that too. And yet how often I have 02:0046,00[A ]| implored night to$9$ fall, all the livelong day, with all my feeble 02:0046,00[A ]| strength, and how often day to$9$ break, all the livelong night. 02:0046,00[A ]| But before leaving this subject and entering upon another, I 02:0046,00[A ]| feel it is my duty to$9$ say$1$ that it is never light in this place, 02:0046,00[A ]| never really light. The light is there, outside, the air sparkles, 02:0046,00[A ]| the granite wall across the way glitters with all its mica, the 02:0046,00[A ]| light is against my window, but it does not come through. So 02:0046,00[A ]| that here all bathes, I will not say$1$ in shadow, nor even in half-shadow, 02:0046,00[A ]| but in a kind of leaden light that makes no shadow, 02:0046,00[A ]| so that it is hard to$9$ say$1$ from what direction it comes, for it 02:0046,00[A ]| seems to$9$ come from all directions at once, and with equal force. 02:0046,00[A ]| I am convinced for example that at the present moment it is 02:0046,00[A ]| as bright under my bed as it is under the ceiling, which admittedly 02:0046,00[A ]| is not saying much, but I need say$1$ no more. And does 02:0046,00[A ]| not that amount to$4$ simply this, that there is really no color in 02:0046,00[A ]| this place, except in so far as this kind of grey incandescence 02:0046,00[A ]| may be$1$ called a color? Yes, no doubt one may speak of grey, 02:0046,00[A ]| personally I have no objection, in which case the issue here 02:0046,00[A ]| would lie between this grey and the black that it overlays more 02:0046,00[A ]| or less, I was going to$9$ say$1$ according to$4$ the time of day, but no, 02:0046,00[A ]| it does not always seem to$9$ depend on the time of day. I myself 02:0046,00[A ]| am very grey, I even sometimes have the feeling that I emit 02:0047,00[A ]| grey, in the same way as my sheets for example. And my night 02:0047,00[A ]| is not the sky's. Naturally black is black the whole world over. 02:0047,00[A ]| But how is it my little space is not visited by the luminaries I 02:0047,00[A ]| sometimes see shining afar and how is it the moon where Cain 02:0047,00[A ]| toils bowed beneath his burden never sheds its light on my face? 02:0047,00[A ]| In a word there seems to$9$ be$1$ the light of the outer world, of those 02:0047,00[A ]| who know the sun and moon emerge at such a hour and at 02:0047,00[A ]| such another plunge again below the surface, and who rely on 02:0047,00[A ]| this, and who know that clouds are always to$9$ be$1$ expected but 02:0047,00[A ]| sooner or later always pass away, and mine. But mine too has 02:0047,00[A ]| its alternations, I will not deny it, its dusks and dawns, but 02:0047,00[A ]| that is what I say, for I too must have$1$ lived, once, out there, 02:0047,00[A ]| and there is no recovering from that. And when I examine the 02:0047,00[A ]| ceiling and walls I see there is no possibility of my making 02:0047,00[A ]| light, artificial light, like the couple across the way for example. 02:0047,00[A ]| But someone would have$1$ to$9$ give me a lamp, or a torch, you 02:0047,00[A ]| know, and I do not know if the air here is of the kind that lends 02:0047,00[A ]| itself to$4$ the comedy of combustion. Mem, look for a match in 02:0047,00[A ]| my possessions, and see if it burns. The noises too, cries, steps, 02:0047,00[A ]| doors, murmurs, cease for whole days, their days. Then that silence 02:0047,00[A ]| of which, knowing what I know, I shall merely say$1$ that there 02:0047,00[A ]| is nothing, how shall I merely say$1$, nothing negative about it. And 02:0047,00[A ]| softly my little space begins to$9$ throb again. You may say$1$ it is 02:0047,00[A ]| all in my head, and indeed sometimes it seems to$4$ me I am in 02:0047,00[A ]| a head and that these eight, no, six, these six planes that enclose 02:0047,00[A ]| me are of solid bone. But thence to$9$ conclude the head is mine, 02:0047,00[A ]| no, never. A kind of air circulates, I must have$1$ said so, and 02:0047,00[A ]| when all goes still I hear it beating against the walls and being 02:0047,00[A ]| beaten back by them. And then somewhere in midspace other 02:0047,00[A ]| waves, other onslaughts, gather and break, whence I suppose 02:0047,00[A ]| the faint sound of aerial surf that is my silence. Or else it is the 02:0047,00[A ]| sudden storm, analogous to$4$ those outside, rising and drowning 02:0047,00[A ]| the cries of the children, the dying, the lovers, so that in my 02:0047,00[A ]| innocence I say they cease, whereas in reality they never cease. 02:0047,00[A ]| It is difficult to$9$ decide. And in the skull is it a vacuum? I ask. 02:0047,00[A ]| And if I close my eyes, close them really, as others can not, but 02:0048,00[A ]| as I can, for there are limits to$4$ my impotence, then sometimes 02:0048,00[A ]| my bed is caught up into the air and tossed like a straw by the 02:0048,00[A ]| swirling eddies, and I in it. Fortunately it is not so much a 02:0048,00[A ]| affair of eyelids, but as it were the soul that must be$1$ veiled, 02:0048,00[A ]| that soul denied in vain, vigilant, anxious, turning in its cage 02:0048,00[A ]| as in a lantern, in the night without haven or craft or matter or 02:0048,00[A ]| understanding. Ah yes, I have my little pastimes and they 02:0048,00[A ]| 02:0048,00@@@@@| 02:0048,00[A ]| What a misfortune, the pencil must have$1$ slipped from my 02:0048,00[A ]| fingers, for I have only just succeeded in recovering it after forty-eight 02:0048,00[A ]| hours (see above) of intermittent efforts. What my stick 02:0048,00[A ]| lacks is a little prehensile proboscis like the nocturnal tapir's. 02:0048,00[A ]| I should really lose my pencil more often, it might do$1$ me good, 02:0048,00[A ]| I might be$1$ more cheerful, it might be$1$ more cheerful. I have 02:0048,00[A ]| spent two unforgettable days of which nothing will ever be$1$ 02:0048,00[A ]| known, it is too late now, or still too soon, I forget which, 02:0048,00[A ]| except that they have brought me the solution and conclusion of 02:0048,00[A ]| the whole sorry business, I mean the business of Malone (since 02:0048,00[A ]| that is what I am called now) and of the other, for the rest is 02:0048,00[A ]| no business of mine. And it was, though more unutterable, like 02:0048,00[A ]| the crumbling away of two little heaps of finest sand, or dust, or 02:0048,00[A ]| ashes, of unequal size, but diminishing together as it were in 02:0048,00[A ]| ratio, if that means anything, and leaving behind them, each 02:0048,00[A ]| in its own stead, the blessedness of absence. While this was 02:0048,00[A ]| going on I was struggling to$9$ retrieve my pencil, by fits and 02:0048,00[A ]| starts. My pencil. It is a little Venus, still green no doubt, with 02:0048,00[A ]| five or six facets, pointed at both ends and so short there is 02:0048,00[A ]| just room, between them, for my thumb and the two adjacent 02:0048,00[A ]| fingers, gathered together in a little vice. I use the two points 02:0048,00[A ]| turn and turn about, sucking them frequently, I love to$9$ suck. 02:0048,00[A ]| And when they go quit blunt I strip them with my nails which 02:0048,00[A ]| are long, yellow, sharp and brittle for want of chalk or is it 02:0048,00[A ]| phosphate. So little by little my little pencil dwindles, inevitably, 02:0048,00[A ]| and the day is fast approaching when nothing will remain but a 02:0048,00[A ]| fragment too tiny to$9$ hold. So I write as lightly as I can. But the 02:0049,00[A ]| lead is hard and would leave no trace if I wrote too lightly. 02:0049,00[A ]| But I say to$4$ myself, Between a hard lead with which one dare not 02:0049,00[A ]| write too lightly, if a trace is to$9$ be$1$ left, and a soft fat lead which 02:0049,00[A ]| blackens the page almost without touching it, what possible 02:0049,00[A ]| difference can there be$1$, from the point of view of durability. 02:0049,00[A ]| Ah yes, I have my little pastimes. The strange thing is I have 02:0049,00[A ]| another pencil, made in France, a long cylinder hardly broached, 02:0049,00[A ]| in the bed with me somewhere I think. So I have nothing to$9$ 02:0049,00[A ]| worry about, on this score. And yet I do worry. Now while I 02:0049,00[A ]| was hunting for my pencil I made a curious discovery. The 02:0049,00[A ]| floor is whitening. I struck it several blows with my stick and 02:0049,00[A ]| the sound it gave forth was at once sharp and dull, wrong in 02:0049,00[A ]| fact. So it was not without some trepidation that I inspected 02:0049,00[A ]| the other great planes, above and all about me. And all this 02:0049,00[A ]| time the sand kept trickling away and I saying to$4$ myself, It is 02:0049,00[A ]| gone for*ever, meaning of course the pencil. And I saw that 02:0049,00[A ]| all these superficies, or should I say$1$ infraficies, the horizontal 02:0049,00[A ]| as well as the perpendicular, though they do not look particularly 02:0049,00[A ]| perpendicular from here, had visibly blanched since my 02:0049,00[A ]| last examination of them, dating from I know not when. And 02:0049,00[A ]| this is all the more singular as the tendency of things in general 02:0049,00[A ]| is I believe rather to$9$ darken, as time wears on, with of course 02:0049,00[A ]| the exception of our mortal remains and certain parts of the 02:0049,00[A ]| body which lose their natural color and from which the blood 02:0049,00[A ]| recedes in the long run. Does this mean there is more light here 02:0049,00[A ]| now, now that I know what is going on? No, I fear not, it is 02:0049,00[A ]| the same grey as heretofore, literally sparkling at times, then 02:0049,00[A ]| growing murky and dim, thickening is perhaps the word, until 02:0049,00[A ]| all things are blotted out except the window which seems in a 02:0049,00[A ]| manner of speaking to$9$ be$1$ my umbilicus, so that I say to$4$ myself, 02:0049,00[A ]| When it too goes out I shall know more or less where I am. No, 02:0049,00[A ]| all I mean is this, that when I open staring wide my eyes I see 02:0049,00[A ]| at the confines of this restless gloom a gleaming and shimmering 02:0049,00[A ]| as of bones, which was not hitherto the case, to$4$ the best of my 02:0049,00[A ]| knowledge. And I can even distinctly remember the paper-hangings 02:0049,00[A ]| or wall-paper still clinging in places to$4$ the walls and 02:0050,00[A ]| covered with a writhing mass of roses, violets and other flowers 02:0050,00[A ]| in such profusion that it seemed to$4$ me I had never seen so many 02:0050,00[A ]| in the whole course of my life, nor of such beauty. But now they 02:0050,00[A ]| seem to$9$ be$1$ all gone, quite gone, and if there were no flowers 02:0050,00[A ]| on the ceiling there was no doubt something else, cupids perhaps, 02:0050,00[A ]| gone too, without leaving a trace. And while I was busy 02:0050,00[A ]| pursuing my pencil a moment came when my exercise-book, 02:0050,00[A ]| almost a child's, fell also to$4$ the ground. But it I very soon recovered, 02:0050,00[A ]| slipping the hook of my stick into one of the rents in 02:0050,00[A ]| the cover and hoisting it gently towards me. And during all 02:0050,00[A ]| this time, so fertile in incidents and mishaps, in my head I 02:0050,00[A ]| suppose all was streaming and emptying away as through a 02:0050,00[A ]| sluice, to$4$ my great joy, until finally nothing remained, either 02:0050,00[A ]| of Malone or of the other. And what is more I was able to$9$ follow 02:0050,00[A ]| without difficulty the various phases of this deliverance and 02:0050,00[A ]| felt no surprise at its irregular course, now rapid, now slow, 02:0050,00[A ]| so crystal clear was my understanding of the reasons why this 02:0050,00[A ]| could not be$1$ otherwise. And I rejoiced furthermore, quite apart 02:0050,00[A ]| from the spectacle, at the thought that I now knew what I had to$9$ 02:0050,00[A ]| do$1$, I whose every move has always been a groping, and whose 02:0050,00[A ]| motionlessness too was a kind of groping, yes, I have greatly 02:0050,00[A ]| groped stockstill. And here again naturally I was utterly deceived, 02:0050,00[A ]| I mean in imagining I had grasped at last the true 02:0050,00[A ]| nature of my absurd tribulations, but not so utterly as to$9$ feel 02:0050,00[A ]| the need to$9$ reproach myself with it now. For even as I said, 02:0050,00[A ]| How easy and beautiful it all is!, in the same breath I said, All 02:0050,00[A ]| will grow dark again. And it is without excessive sorrow that I 02:0050,00[A ]| see us again as we are, namely to$9$ be$1$ removed grain by grain 02:0050,00[A ]| until the hand, wearied, begins to$9$ play, scooping us up and letting 02:0050,00[A ]| us trickle back into the same place, dreamily as the saying 02:0050,00[A ]| is. For I knew it would be$1$ so, even as I said, At last! And I 02:0050,00[A ]| must say$1$ that to$4$ me at least and for as long as I can remember 02:0050,00[A ]| the sensation is familiar of a blind and tired hand delving 02:0050,00[A ]| feebly in my particles and letting them trickle between its fingers. 02:0050,00[A ]| And sometimes, when all is quiet, I feel it plunged in me up to$4$ 02:0050,00[A ]| the elbow, but gentle, and as though sleeping. But soon it stirs, 02:0051,00[A ]| wakes, fondles, clutches, ransacks, ravages, avenging its failure 02:0051,00[A ]| to$9$ scatter me with one sweep. I can understand. But I have felt 02:0051,00[A ]| so many strange things, so many baseless things assuredly, that 02:0051,00[A ]| they are perhaps better left unsaid. To$9$ speak for example of the 02:0051,00[A ]| times when I go liquid and become like mud, what good would 02:0051,00[A ]| that do$1$? Or of the others when I would be$1$ lost in the eye of a 02:0051,00[A ]| needle, I am so hard and contracted? No, those are well-meaning 02:0051,00[A ]| squirms that get me nowhere. I was speaking then was I not of 02:0051,00[A ]| my little pastimes and I think about to$9$ say$1$ that I ought to$9$ content 02:0051,00[A ]| myself with them, instead of launching forth on all this 02:0051,00[A ]| ballsaching poppycock about life and death, if that is what it 02:0051,00[A ]| is all about, and I suppose it is, for nothing was ever about anything 02:0051,00[A ]| else to$4$ the best of my recollection. But what it is all about 02:0051,00[A ]| exactly I could no more say$1$, at the present moment, than take 02:0051,00[A ]| up my bed and walk. It is vague, life and death. I must have$1$ 02:0051,00[A ]| had my little private idea on the subject when I began, otherwise 02:0051,00[A ]| I would not have$1$ begun, I would have$1$ held my peace, I 02:0051,00[A ]| would have$1$ gone on peacefully being bored to$4$ howls, having 02:0051,00[A ]| my little fun and games with the cones and cylinders, the millet 02:0051,00[A ]| grains beloved of birds and other panics, until someone was 02:0051,00[A ]| kind enough to$9$ come and coffin me. But it is gone clean out of 02:0051,00[A ]| my head, my little private idea. No matter, I have just had 02:0051,00[A ]| another. Perhaps it is the same one back again, ideas are so 02:0051,00[A ]| alike, when you get to$9$ know them. Be$8$ born, that is the brainwave 02:0051,00[A ]| now, that is to$9$ say$1$ live long enough to$9$ get acquainted with free 02:0051,00[A ]| carbonic gas, then say thanks for the nice time and go. That 02:0051,00[A ]| has always been my dream at bottom, all the things that have 02:0051,00[A ]| always been my dream at bottom, so many strings and never a 02:0051,00[A ]| shaft. Yes, a old foetus, that is what I am now, hoar and impotent, 02:0051,00[A ]| mother is done for, I have rotted her$6$, she will drop me with 02:0051,00[A ]| the help of gangrene, perhaps papa is at the party too, I will land 02:0051,00[A ]| head-foremost mewling in the charnel-house, not that I will mewl, 02:0051,00[A ]| not worth it. All the stories I have told myself, clinging to$4$ the 02:0051,00[A ]| putrid mucus, and swelling, swelling, saying, Got it at last, 02:0051,00[A ]| my legend. But why this sudden heat, has anything happened, 02:0051,00[A ]| anything changed? No, the answer is no, I shall never get born 02:0052,00[A ]| and therefore never get dead, and a good job too. And if I tell 02:0052,00[A ]| of me and of that other who is my little one, it is as always for 02:0052,00[A ]| want of love, well I will be$1$ buggered, I was not expecting that, want 02:0052,00[A ]| of a homuncule, I can not stop. And yet it sometimes seems to$4$ me 02:0052,00[A ]| I did get born and had a long life and met Jackson and wandered 02:0052,00[A ]| in the towns, the woods and wildernesses and tarried by the 02:0052,00[A ]| seas in tears before the islands and peninsulas where night lit the 02:0052,00[A ]| little brief yellow lights of man and all night the great white 02:0052,00[A ]| and colored beams shining in the caves where I was happy, 02:0052,00[A ]| crouched on the sand in the lee of the rocks with the smell of the 02:0052,00[A ]| seaweed and the wet rock and the howling of the wind the waves 02:0052,00[A ]| whipping me with foam or sighing on the beach softly clawing 02:0052,00[A ]| the shingle, no, not happy, I was never that, but wishing night 02:0052,00[A ]| would never end and morning never come when men wake and 02:0052,00[A ]| say, Come on, we will soon be$1$ dead, let us make the most of it. 02:0052,00[A ]| But what matter whether I was born or not, have lived or not, 02:0052,00[A ]| am dead or merely dying, I shall go on doing as I have always 02:0052,00[A ]| done, not knowing what it is I do, nor who I am, nor where I 02:0052,00[A ]| am, nor if I am. Yes, a little creature, I shall try and make a 02:0052,00[A ]| little creature, to$9$ hold in my arms, a little creature in my image, 02:0052,00[A ]| no matter what I say. And seeing what a poor thing I have made, 02:0052,00[A ]| or how like myself, I shall eat it. Then be$1$ alone a long time, 02:0052,00[A ]| unhappy, not knowing what my prayer should be$1$ nor to$4$ whom. 02:0052,00[A ]| 02:0052,00@@@@@| 02:0052,00[A ]| I have taken a long time to$9$ find him again, but I have found 02:0052,00[A ]| him. How did I know it was he, I do not know. And what can 02:0052,00[A ]| have$1$ changed him so? Life perhaps, the struggle to$9$ love, to$9$ 02:0052,00[A ]| eat, to$9$ escape the redressers of wrongs. I slip into him, I suppose 02:0052,00[A ]| in the hope of learning something. But it is a stratum, strata, without 02:0052,00[A ]| debris or vestiges. But before I am done I shall find traces 02:0052,00[A ]| of what was. I ran him down in the heart of the town, sitting 02:0052,00[A ]| on a bench. How did I know it was he? The eyes perhaps. No, 02:0052,00[A ]| I do not know how I knew, I will take back nothing. Perhaps it is 02:0052,00[A ]| not he. No matter, he is mine now, living flesh and needless to$9$ 02:0052,00[A ]| say$1$ male, living with that evening life which is like a convalescence, 02:0053,00[A ]| if my memories are mine, and which you savour doddering 02:0053,00[A ]| about in the wake of the fitful sun, or deeper than the dead, in 02:0053,00[A ]| the corridors of the underground railway and the stench of 02:0053,00[A ]| their harassed mobs scurrying from cradle to$4$ grave to$9$ get to$4$ 02:0053,00[A ]| the right place at the right time. What more do I want? Yes, 02:0053,00[A ]| those were the days, quick to$4$ night and well beguiled with the 02:0053,00[A ]| search for warmth and reasonably edible scraps. And you imagine 02:0053,00[A ]| it will be$1$ so till the end. But suddenly all begins to$9$ rage 02:0053,00[A ]| and roar again, you are lost in forests of high threshing ferns 02:0053,00[A ]| or whirled far out on the face of wind-swept wastes, till you begin 02:0053,00[A ]| to$9$ wonder if you have not died without knowing and gone to$4$ 02:0053,00[A ]| hell or been born again into a even worse place than before. 02:0053,00[A ]| Then it is hard to$9$ believe in those brief years when the bakers 02:0053,00[A ]| were often indulgent, at close of day, and baking-apples, I was 02:0053,00[A ]| always a great man for apples, to$9$ be$1$ had almost for the whinging 02:0053,00[A ]| if you knew your way about, and a little sunshine and shelter 02:0053,00[A ]| for those who direly needed them. And there he is as good as 02:0053,00[A ]| gold on the bench, his back to$4$ the river, and dressed as follows, 02:0053,00[A ]| though clothes do not matter, I know, I know, but he will never 02:0053,00[A ]| have$1$ any others, if I know anything about it. He has had them 02:0053,00[A ]| a long time already, to$9$ judge by their decay, but no matter, 02:0053,00[A ]| they are the last. But most remarkable of all is his greatcoat, in 02:0053,00[A ]| the sense that it covers him completely and screens him from 02:0053,00[A ]| view. For it is so well buttoned, from top to$4$ bottom, by means 02:0053,00[A ]| of fifteen buttons at the very least, set at intervals of three or 02:0053,00[A ]| four inches at the very most, that nothing is to$9$ be$1$ seen of 02:0053,00[A ]| what goes on inside. And even the two feet, flat on the ground 02:0053,00[A ]| demurely side by side, even they are partly hidden by this coat, 02:0053,00[A ]| in spite of the double flexion of the body, first at the base of the 02:0053,00[A ]| trunk, where the thighs form a right angle with the pelvis, and 02:0053,00[A ]| then again at the knees, where the shins resume the perpendicular. 02:0053,00[A ]| For the posture is completely lacking in abandon, and but 02:0053,00[A ]| for the absence of bonds you might think he was bound to$4$ the 02:0053,00[A ]| bench, the posture is so stiff and set in the sharpness of its planes 02:0053,00[A ]| and angles, like that of the Colossus of Memnon, dearly loved 02:0053,00[A ]| son of Dawn. In other words, when he walks, or simply stands 02:0054,00[A ]| stockstill, the tails of this coat literally sweep the ground and 02:0054,00[A ]| rustle like a train, when he walks. And indeed this coat terminates 02:0054,00[A ]| in a fringe, like certain curtains, and the thread of the 02:0054,00[A ]| sleeves too is bare and frayed into long waving strands that 02:0054,00[A ]| flutter in the wind. And the hands too are hidden. For the sleeves 02:0054,00[A ]| of this vast rag are of a piece with its other parts. But the collar 02:0054,00[A ]| has remained intact, being of velvet or perhaps shag. Now 02:0054,00[A ]| as to$4$ the color of this coat, for color too is a important consideration, 02:0054,00[A ]| there is no good denying it, all that can be$1$ said is 02:0054,00[A ]| that green predominates. And it might safely be$1$ wagered that 02:0054,00[A ]| this coat, when new, was of a fine plain green color, what you 02:0054,00[A ]| might call cab green, for there used to$9$ be$1$ cabs and carriages 02:0054,00[A ]| rattling through the town with panels of a handsome bottle green, 02:0054,00[A ]| I must have$1$ seen them myself, and even driven in them, I would 02:0054,00[A ]| not put it past me. But perhaps I am wrong to$9$ call this coat a 02:0054,00[A ]| greatcoat and perhaps I should rather call it a overcoat or 02:0054,00[A ]| even cover-me-down, for that is indeed the impression it gives, 02:0054,00[A ]| that it covers the whole body all over, with the exception obviously 02:0054,00[A ]| of the head which emerges, lofty and impassive, clear 02:0054,00[A ]| of its embrace. Yes, passion has marked the face, action too 02:0054,00[A ]| possibly, but it seems to$9$ have$1$ ceased from suffering, for the 02:0054,00[A ]| time being. But one never knows, does one? Now with regard to$4$ 02:0054,00[A ]| the buttons of this coat, they are not so much genuine buttons 02:0054,00[A ]| as little wooden cylinders two or three inches long, with a hole 02:0054,00[A ]| in the middle for the thread, for one hole is ample, though two 02:0054,00[A ]| and even four are more usual, and this because of the inordinate 02:0054,00[A ]| distension of the button-holes consequent on wear and tear. 02:0054,00[A ]| And cylinders is perhaps a exaggeration, for if some of these 02:0054,00[A ]| little sticks or pegs are in fact cylindrical, still more have no 02:0054,00[A ]| definable form. But all are roughly two and a half inches long 02:0054,00[A ]| and thus prevent the lappets from flying apart, all have this 02:0054,00[A ]| feature in common. Now with regard to$4$ the material of this 02:0054,00[A ]| coat, all that can be$1$ said is that it looks like felt. And the various 02:0054,00[A ]| dints and bulges inflicted upon it by the spasms and contortions 02:0054,00[A ]| of the body subsist long after the fit is past. So much for this 02:0054,00[A ]| coat. I will tell myself stories about the boots another time, if I 02:0055,00[A ]| can. The hat, as hard as iron, superbly domed above its narrow 02:0055,00[A ]| guttered rim, is marred by a wide crack or rent extending in 02:0055,00[A ]| front from the crown down and intended probably to$9$ facilitate 02:0055,00[A ]| the introduction of the skull. For coat and hat have this much 02:0055,00[A ]| in common, that whereas the coat is too big, the hat is too small. 02:0055,00[A ]| And though the edges of the split brim close on the brow 02:0055,00[A ]| like the jaws of a trap, nevertheless the hat is attached, by a 02:0055,00[A ]| string, for safety, to$4$ the topmost button of the coat, because, 02:0055,00[A ]| never mind. And were there nothing more to$9$ be$1$ said about the 02:0055,00[A ]| structure of this hat, the important thing would still remain 02:0055,00[A ]| unsaid, meaning of course its color, of which all that can be$1$ 02:0055,00[A ]| said is this, that a strong sun full upon it brings out shimmers of 02:0055,00[A ]| buff and pearl grey and that otherwise it verges on black, without 02:0055,00[A ]| however ever really approaching it. And it would not surprise 02:0055,00[A ]| me to$9$ learn that this hat once belonged to$4$ a sporting gentleman, 02:0055,00[A ]| a turf-man or breeder of rams. And if we now turn to$9$ consider 02:0055,00[A ]| this coat and this hat, no longer separately, but in relation to$4$ 02:0055,00[A ]| each other, we are very soon agreeably surprised to$9$ see how well 02:0055,00[A ]| they are assorted. And it would not surprise me to$9$ learn that they 02:0055,00[A ]| had been bought, one at the hatter's, the other at the tailor's, 02:0055,00[A ]| perhaps the same day and by the same toff, for such men exist, 02:0055,00[A ]| I mean fine handsome men six foot tall and over and all in 02:0055,00[A ]| keeping but the head, small from over-breeding. And it is a 02:0055,00[A ]| pleasure to$9$ find oneself again in the presence of one of those 02:0055,00[A ]| immutable relations between harmoniously perishing terms and 02:0055,00[A ]| the effect of which is this, that when weary to$4$ death one is 02:0055,00[A ]| almost resigned to$4$ ~~ I was going to$9$ say$1$ to$4$ the immortality of the 02:0055,00[A ]| soul, but I do not see the connexion. But to$9$ pass on now to$4$ the 02:0055,00[A ]| garments that really matter, subjacent and even intimate, all 02:0055,00[A ]| that can be$1$ said is that this for the moment is delicate ground. 02:0055,00[A ]| For Sapo ~~ no, I can not call him that any more, and I even wonder 02:0055,00[A ]| how I was able to$9$ stomach such a name till now. So then for, let 02:0055,00[A ]| me see, for Macmann, that is not much better but there is no time 02:0055,00[A ]| to$9$ lose, for Macmann might be$1$ stark staring naked under this 02:0055,00[A ]| surtout for all anyone would be$1$ any the wiser. The trouble is 02:0055,00[A ]| he does not stir. Since morning he has been here and now it is 02:0056,00[A ]| evening. The tugs, their black funnels striped with red, tow 02:0056,00[A ]| to$4$ their moorings the last barges, freighted with empty barrels. 02:0056,00[A ]| The water cradles already the distant fires of the sunset, orange, 02:0056,00[A ]| rose and green, quenches them in its ruffles and then in trembling 02:0056,00[A ]| pools spreads them bright again. His back is turned to$4$ the 02:0056,00[A ]| river, but perhaps it appears to$4$ him in the dreadful cries of 02:0056,00[A ]| the gulls that evening assembles, in paroxysms of hunger, round 02:0056,00[A ]| the outflow of the sewers, opposite the Bellevue Hotel. Yes, they 02:0056,00[A ]| too, in a last frenzy before night and its high crags, swoop 02:0056,00[A ]| ravening about the offal. But his face is towards the people that 02:0056,00[A ]| throng the streets at this hour, their long day ended and the 02:0056,00[A ]| whole long evening before them. The doors open and spew them 02:0056,00[A ]| out, each door its contingent. For a instant they cluster in a 02:0056,00[A ]| daze, huddled on the sidewalk or in the gutter, then set off 02:0056,00[A ]| singly on their appointed ways. And even those who know themselves 02:0056,00[A ]| condemned, at the outset, to$4$ the same direction, for the 02:0056,00[A ]| choice of directions at the outset is not great, take leave of one 02:0056,00[A ]| another and part, but politely, with some polite excuse, or without 02:0056,00[A ]| a word, for they all know one another's little ways. And 02:0056,00[A ]| God help him who longs, for once, in his recovered freedom, 02:0056,00[A ]| to$9$ walk a little way with a fellow-creature, no matter which, 02:0056,00[A ]| unless of course by a merciful chance he stumble on one in the 02:0056,00[A ]| same plight. Then they take a few paces happily side by side, 02:0056,00[A ]| then part, each one muttering perhaps, Now there will be$1$ no 02:0056,00[A ]| holding him. At this hour then erotic craving accounts for the 02:0056,00[A ]| majority of couples. But these are few compared to$4$ the solitaries 02:0056,00[A ]| pressing forward through the throng, obstructing the access to$4$ 02:0056,00[A ]| places of amusement, bowed over the parapets, propped against 02:0056,00[A ]| vacant walls. But soon they come to$4$ the appointed place, at 02:0056,00[A ]| home or at some other home, or abroad, as the saying is, in 02:0056,00[A ]| a public place, or in a doorway in view of possible rain. And 02:0056,00[A ]| the first to$9$ arrive have seldom long to$9$ wait, for all hasten towards 02:0056,00[A ]| one another, knowing how short the time in which to$9$ 02:0056,00[A ]| say$1$ all the things that lie heavy on the heart and conscience and 02:0056,00[A ]| to$9$ do$1$ all the things they have to$9$ do$1$ together, things one can not 02:0056,00[A ]| do$1$ alone. So there they are for a few hours in safety. Then the 02:0057,00[A ]| drowsiness, the little memorandum book with its little special 02:0057,00[A ]| pencil, the yawned goodbyes. Some even take a cab to$9$ get more 02:0057,00[A ]| quickly to$4$ the rendezvous or, when the fun is over, home or 02:0057,00[A ]| to$4$ the hotel, where their comfortable bed is waiting for them. 02:0057,00[A ]| Then you see the last stage of the horse, between its recent 02:0057,00[A ]| career as a pet horse, or a race-horse, or a pack-horse, or a 02:0057,00[A ]| plough-horse, and the shambles. It spends most of its time standing 02:0057,00[A ]| still in a attitude of dejection, its head hanging as low 02:0057,00[A ]| as the shafts and harness permit, that is to$9$ say$1$ almost to$4$ the 02:0057,00[A ]| cobble-stones. But once in motion it is transformed, momentarily, 02:0057,00[A ]| perhaps because of the memories that motion revives, 02:0057,00[A ]| for the mere fact of running and pulling can not give it much 02:0057,00[A ]| satisfaction, under such conditions. But when the shafts tilt up, 02:0057,00[A ]| announcing that a fare has been taken on board, or when on 02:0057,00[A ]| the contrary the back-hand begins to$9$ gall its spine, according 02:0057,00[A ]| as the passenger is seated facing the way he is going or, what 02:0057,00[A ]| is perhaps even more restful, with his back to$4$ it, then it rears its 02:0057,00[A ]| head, stiffens its houghs and looks almost content. And you 02:0057,00[A ]| see the cabman too, all alone on his box ten feet from the ground, 02:0057,00[A ]| his knees covered at all seasons and in all weathers with a kind 02:0057,00[A ]| of rug as a rule originally brown, the same precisely which he 02:0057,00[A ]| has just snatched from the rump of his horse. Furious and livid 02:0057,00[A ]| perhaps from want of passengers, the least fare seems to$9$ excite 02:0057,00[A ]| him to$4$ a frenzy. Then with his huge exasperated hands he 02:0057,00[A ]| tears at the reins or, half rising and leaning out over his horse, 02:0057,00[A ]| brings them down with a crack all along its back. And he launches 02:0057,00[A ]| his equipage blindly through the dark thronging streets, his 02:0057,00[A ]| mouth full of curses. But the passenger, having named the 02:0057,00[A ]| place he wants to$9$ go and knowing himself as helpless to$9$ act on 02:0057,00[A ]| the course of events as the dark box that encloses him, abandons 02:0057,00[A ]| himself to$4$ the pleasant feeling of being freed from all responsibility, 02:0057,00[A ]| or he ponders on what lies before him, or on what lies 02:0057,00[A ]| behind him, saying, Twill not be$1$ ever thus, and then in the 02:0057,00[A ]| same breath, But twas ever thus, for there are not five hundred 02:0057,00[A ]| different kinds of passengers. And so they hasten, the horse, 02:0057,00[A ]| the driver and the passenger, towards the appointed place, by 02:0058,00[A ]| the shortest route or deviously, through the press of other misplaced 02:0058,00[A ]| persons. And each one has his reasons, while wondering 02:0058,00[A ]| from time to$4$ time what they are worth, and if they are the true 02:0058,00[A ]| ones, for going where he is going rather than somewhere else, 02:0058,00[A ]| and the horse hardly less darkly than the men, though as a rule 02:0058,00[A ]| it will not know where it is going until it gets there, and not 02:0058,00[A ]| always even then. And if as suggested it is dusk, then another 02:0058,00[A ]| phenomenon to$9$ be$1$ observed is the number of windows and shop-windows 02:0058,00[A ]| that light up a instant, almost after the fashion of the 02:0058,00[A ]| setting sun, though that all depends on the season. But for Macmann, 02:0058,00[A ]| thank God, he is still there, for Macmann it is a true 02:0058,00[A ]| spring evening, a equinoctial gale howls along the quays 02:0058,00[A ]| bordered by high red houses, many of which are warehouses. 02:0058,00[A ]| Or it is perhaps a evening in autumn and these leaves whirling 02:0058,00[A ]| in the air, whence it is impossible to$9$ say$1$, for here there are no 02:0058,00[A ]| trees, are perhaps no longer the first of the year, barely green, 02:0058,00[A ]| but old leaves that have known the long joys of summer and 02:0058,00[A ]| now are good for nothing but to$9$ lie rotting in a heap, now that 02:0058,00[A ]| men and beasts have no more need of shade, on the contrary, 02:0058,00[A ]| nor birds of nests to$9$ lay and hatch out in, and trees must blacken 02:0058,00[A ]| even where no heart beats, though it appears that some stay 02:0058,00[A ]| green forever, for some obscure reason. And it is no doubt all 02:0058,00[A ]| the same to$4$ Macmann whether it is spring or whether it is autumn, 02:0058,00[A ]| unless he prefers summer to$4$ winter or inversely, which 02:0058,00[A ]| is improbable. But it must not be$1$ thought he will never move 02:0058,00[A ]| again, out of this place and attitude, for he has still the whole 02:0058,00[A ]| of his old age before him, and then that kind of epilogue when 02:0058,00[A ]| it is not very clear what is happening and which does not seem 02:0058,00[A ]| to$9$ add very much to$4$ what has already been acquired or to$9$ shed 02:0058,00[A ]| any great light on its confusion, but which no doubt has its 02:0058,00[A ]| usefulness, as hay is left out to$9$ dry before being garnered. He 02:0058,00[A ]| will therefore rise, whether he likes it or not, and proceed by other 02:0058,00[A ]| places to$4$ another place, and then by others still to$4$ yet another, 02:0058,00[A ]| unless he comes back here where he seems to$9$ be$1$ snug enough, 02:0058,00[A ]| but one never knows, does one? And so on, on, for long years. 02:0058,00[A ]| Because in order not to$9$ die you must come and go, come and 02:0059,00[A ]| go, unless you happen to$9$ have$1$ someone who brings you food 02:0059,00[A ]| wherever you happen to$9$ be$1$, like myself. And you can remain for 02:0059,00[A ]| two, three and even four days without stirring hand or foot, but 02:0059,00[A ]| what are four days when you have all old age before you, and 02:0059,00[A ]| then the lingers of evaporation, a drop in the ocean. It is true 02:0059,00[A ]| you know nothing of this, you flatter yourself you are hanging 02:0059,00[A ]| by a thread like all mankind, but that is not the point. For 02:0059,00[A ]| there is no point, no point in not knowing this or that, either 02:0059,00[A ]| you know all or you know nothing, and Macmann knows nothing. 02:0059,00[A ]| But he is concerned only with his ignorance of certain things, 02:0059,00[A ]| of those that appall him among others, which is only human. 02:0059,00[A ]| But it is bad policy, for on the fifth day rise you must, and rise 02:0059,00[A ]| in fact you do, but with how much greater pains than if you 02:0059,00[A ]| had made up your mind to$4$ it the day before, or better still two 02:0059,00[A ]| days before, and why add to$4$ your pains, it is bad policy, assuming 02:0059,00[A ]| you do add to$4$ them, and nothing is less certain. For on the 02:0059,00[A ]| fifth day, when the problem is how to$9$ rise, the fourth and third 02:0059,00[A ]| do not matter any more, all that matters is how to$9$ rise, for you 02:0059,00[A ]| are half out of your mind. And sometimes you can not, get to$4$ 02:0059,00[A ]| your feet I mean, and have to$9$ drag yourself to$4$ the nearest plot 02:0059,00[A ]| of vegetables, using the tufts of grass and asperities of the 02:0059,00[A ]| earth to$9$ drag yourself forward, or to$4$ the nearest clump of brambles, 02:0059,00[A ]| where there are sometimes good things to$9$ eat, if acid, and 02:0059,00[A ]| which are superior to$4$ the plots in this, that you can crawl into 02:0059,00[A ]| them and hide, as you can not in a plot of ripe potatoes for 02:0059,00[A ]| example, and in this also, that often you frighten the little wild 02:0059,00[A ]| things away, both furred and feathered. For it is not as if he 02:0059,00[A ]| possessed the means of accumulating, in a single day, enough 02:0059,00[A ]| food to$9$ keep him alive for three weeks or a month, and what 02:0059,00[A ]| is a month compared to$4$ the whole of second childishness, a 02:0059,00[A ]| drop in a bucket. But he does not, possess them I mean, and 02:0059,00[A ]| could not employ them even if he did, he feels so far from the 02:0059,00[A ]| morrow. And perhaps there is none, no morrow any more, for 02:0059,00[A ]| one who has waited so long for it in vain. And perhaps he has 02:0059,00[A ]| come to$4$ that stage of his instant when to$9$ live is to$9$ wander the last 02:0059,00[A ]| of the living in the depths of a instant without bounds, where 02:0060,00[A ]| the light never changes and the wrecks look all alike. Bluer 02:0060,00[A ]| scarcely than white of egg the eyes stare into the space before 02:0060,00[A ]| them, namely the fulness of the great deep and its unchanging 02:0060,00[A ]| calm. But at long intervals they close, with the gentle suddenness 02:0060,00[A ]| of flesh that tightens, often without anger, and closes on itself. 02:0060,00[A ]| Then you see the old lids all red and worn that seem hard set 02:0060,00[A ]| to$9$ meet, for there are four, two for each lachrymal. And perhaps 02:0060,00[A ]| it is then he sees the heaven of the old dream, the heaven 02:0060,00[A ]| of the sea and of the earth too, and the spasms of the waves 02:0060,00[A ]| from shore to$4$ shore all stirring to$4$ their tiniest stir, and the so 02:0060,00[A ]| different motion of men for example, who are not tied together, 02:0060,00[A ]| but free to$9$ come and go as they please. And they make full use 02:0060,00[A ]| of it and come and go, their great balls and sockets rattling and 02:0060,00[A ]| clacking like knackers, each on his way. And when one dies 02:0060,00[A ]| the others go on, as if nothing had happened. 02:0060,00@@@@@| 02:0060,00[A ]| I feel 02:0060,00[A ]| 02:0060,00[A ]| I feel it is coming. How goes it, thanks, it is coming. I wanted 02:0060,00[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ quite sure before I noted it. Scrupulous to$4$ the last, finical to$4$ 02:0060,00[A ]| a fault, that is Malone, all over. I mean sure of feeling that my 02:0060,00[A ]| hour is at hand. For I never doubted it would come, sooner or 02:0060,00[A ]| later, except the days I felt it was past. For my stories are all 02:0060,00[A ]| in vain, deep down I never doubted, even the days abounding in 02:0060,00[A ]| proof to$4$ the contrary, that I was still alive and breathing in 02:0060,00[A ]| and out the air of earth. At hand, that is in two or three days, 02:0060,00[A ]| in the language of the days when they taught me the names of 02:0060,00[A ]| the days and I marvelled at their being so few and flourished 02:0060,00[A ]| my little fists, crying out for more, and how to$9$ tell the time, 02:0060,00[A ]| and what are two or three days, more or less, in the long run, a 02:0060,00[A ]| joke. But not a word and on with the losing game, it is good for 02:0060,00[A ]| the health. And all I have to$9$ do$1$ is go on as though doomed to$9$ 02:0060,00[A ]| see the midsummer moon. For I believe I have now reached what 02:0060,00[A ]| is called the month of May, I do not know why, I mean why I 02:0060,00[A ]| believe that, for May comes from Maia, hell, I remember that 02:0060,00[A ]| too, goddess of increase and plenty, yes, I believe I have entered 02:0061,00[A ]| on the season of increase and plenty, of increase at last, 02:0061,00[A ]| for plenty comes later, with the harvest. So quiet, quiet, I will be$1$ 02:0061,00[A ]| still here at All Saints, in the middle of the chrysanthemums, 02:0061,00[A ]| no, this year I shall not hear them howling over their charnels. 02:0061,00[A ]| But this sensation of dilation is hard to$9$ resist. All strains towards 02:0061,00[A ]| the nearest deeps, and notably my feet, which even in the ordinary 02:0061,00[A ]| way are so much further from me than all the rest, from 02:0061,00[A ]| my head I mean, for that is where I am fled, my feet are leagues 02:0061,00[A ]| away. And to$9$ call them in, to$9$ be$1$ cleaned for example, would I 02:0061,00[A ]| think take me over a month, exclusive of the time required to$9$ 02:0061,00[A ]| locate them. Strange, I do not feel my feet any more, my feet 02:0061,00[A ]| feel nothing any more, and a mercy it is. And yet I feel they 02:0061,00[A ]| are beyond the range of the most powerful telescope. Is that 02:0061,00[A ]| what is known as having a foot in the grave? And similarly for 02:0061,00[A ]| the rest. For a mere local phenomenon is something I would not 02:0061,00[A ]| have$1$ noticed, having been nothing but a series or rather a succession 02:0061,00[A ]| of local phenomena all my life, without any result. 02:0061,00[A ]| But my fingers too write in other latitudes and the air that 02:0061,00[A ]| breathes through my pages and turns them without my knowing, 02:0061,00[A ]| when I doze off, so that the subject falls far from the verb and 02:0061,00[A ]| the object lands somewhere in the void, is not the air of this 02:0061,00[A ]| second-last abode, and a mercy it is. And perhaps on my hands 02:0061,00[A ]| it is the shimmer of the shadows of leaves and flowers and the 02:0061,00[A ]| brightness of a forgotten sun. Now my sex, I mean the tube 02:0061,00[A ]| itself, and in particular the nozzle, from which when I was yet 02:0061,00[A ]| a virgin clouts and gouts of sperm came streaming and splashing 02:0061,00[A ]| up into my face, a continuous flow, while it lasted, and which 02:0061,00[A ]| must still drip a little piss from time to$4$ time, otherwise I would 02:0061,00[A ]| be$1$ dead of uraemia, I do not expect to$9$ see my sex again, with 02:0061,00[A ]| my naked eye, not that I wish to$9$, we have stared at each other 02:0061,00[A ]| long enough, in the eye, but it gives you some idea. But that 02:0061,00[A ]| is not all and my extremities are not the only parts to$9$ recede, 02:0061,00[A ]| in their respective directions, far from it. For my arse for example, 02:0061,00[A ]| which can hardly be$1$ accused of being the end of anything, 02:0061,00[A ]| if my arse suddenly started to$9$ shit at the present moment, 02:0061,00[A ]| which God forbid, I firmly believe the lumps would fall out in 02:0062,00[A ]| Australia. And if I were to$9$ stand up again, from which God 02:0062,00[A ]| preserve me, I fancy I would fill a considerable part of the universe, 02:0062,00[A ]| oh not more than lying down, but more noticeably. For 02:0062,00[A ]| it is a thing I have often noticed, the best way to$9$ pass unnoticed 02:0062,00[A ]| is to$9$ lie down flat and not move. And so there I am, who always 02:0062,00[A ]| thought I would shrivel and shrivel, more and more, until in 02:0062,00[A ]| the end I could be$1$ almost buried in a casket, swelling. No matter, 02:0062,00[A ]| what matters is that in spite of my stories I continue to$9$ fit in this 02:0062,00[A ]| room, let us call it a room, that is all that matters, and I need 02:0062,00[A ]| not worry, I will fit in it as long as needs be. And if I ever succeed 02:0062,00[A ]| in breathing my last it will not be$1$ in the street, or in a hospital, 02:0062,00[A ]| but here, in the midst of my possessions, beside this window 02:0062,00[A ]| that sometimes looks as if it were painted on the wall, like Tiepolo's 02:0062,00[A ]| ceiling at W+uurzburg, what a tourist I must have$1$ been, 02:0062,00[A ]| I even remember the diaeresis, if it is one. If only I could be$1$ 02:0062,00[A ]| sure, of my deathbed I mean. And yet how often I have seen 02:0062,00[A ]| this old head swing out through the door, low, for my big old 02:0062,00[A ]| bones weigh heavy, and the door is low, lower and lower in my 02:0062,00[A ]| opinion. And each time it bangs against the jamb, my head does, 02:0062,00[A ]| for I am tall, and the landing is small, and the man carrying 02:0062,00[A ]| my feet can not wait, before he starts down the stairs, for the 02:0062,00[A ]| whole of me to$9$ be$1$ out, on the landing I mean, but he has to$9$ start 02:0062,00[A ]| turning before that, so as not to$9$ bang into the wall, of the landing 02:0062,00[A ]| I mean. So my head bangs against the jamb, it is inevitable. 02:0062,00[A ]| And it does not matter to$4$ my head, in the state it is in, but the man 02:0062,00[A ]| carrying it says, Eh Bob easy!, out of respect perhaps, for he 02:0062,00[A ]| does not know me, he did not know me, or for fear of hurting his 02:0062,00[A ]| fingers. Bang! Easy! Right! The door!, and the room is vacant 02:0062,00[A ]| at last and ready to$9$ receive, after disinfection, for you can not be$1$ 02:0062,00[A ]| too careful, a large family or a pair of turtle doves. Yes, the 02:0062,00[A ]| event is past, but it is too soon to$9$ use it, hence the delay, that is 02:0062,00[A ]| what I tell myself. But I tell myself so many things, what truth 02:0062,00[A ]| is there in all this babble? I do not know. I simply believe I can 02:0062,00[A ]| say$1$ nothing that is not true, I mean that has not happened, it is 02:0062,00[A ]| not the same thing but no matter. Yes, that is what I like about 02:0062,00[A ]| me, at least one of the things, that I can say$1$, Up the Republic!, 02:0063,00[A ]| for example, or, Sweetheart!, for example, without having to$9$ 02:0063,00[A ]| wonder if I should not rather have$1$ cut my tongue out, or said 02:0063,00[A ]| something else. Yes, no reflection is needed, before or after, I 02:0063,00[A ]| have only to$9$ open my mouth for it to$9$ testify to$4$ the old story, my 02:0063,00[A ]| old story, and to$4$ the long silence that has silenced me, so that 02:0063,00[A ]| all is silent. And if I ever stop talking it will be$1$ because there is 02:0063,00[A ]| nothing more to$9$ be$1$ said, even though all has not been said, even 02:0063,00[A ]| though nothing has been said. But let us leave these morbid 02:0063,00[A ]| matters and get on with that of my demise, in two or three days 02:0063,00[A ]| if I remember rightly. Then it will be$1$ all over with the Murphys, 02:0063,00[A ]| Merciers, Molloys, Morans and Malones, unless it goes on beyond 02:0063,00[A ]| the grave. But sufficient unto the day, let us first defunge, then 02:0063,00[A ]| we will see. How many have I killed, hitting them on the head 02:0063,00[A ]| or setting fire to$4$ them? Off-hand I can only think of four, all 02:0063,00[A ]| unknowns, I never knew anyone. A sudden wish, I have a sudden 02:0063,00[A ]| wish to$9$ see, as sometimes in the old days, something, anything, 02:0063,00[A ]| no matter what, something I could not have$1$ imagined. There 02:0063,00[A ]| was the old butler too, in London I think, there is London again, 02:0063,00[A ]| I cut his throat with his razor, that makes five. It seems to$4$ me 02:0063,00[A ]| he had a name. Yes, what I need now is a touch of the unimaginable, 02:0063,00[A ]| coloured for preference, that would do$1$ me good. For this 02:0063,00[A ]| may well be$1$ my last journey, down the long familiar galleries, 02:0063,00[A ]| with my little suns and moons that I hang aloft and my pockets 02:0063,00[A ]| full of pebbles to$9$ stand for men and their seasons, my last, if 02:0063,00[A ]| I am lucky. Then back here, to$4$ me, whatever that means, and 02:0063,00[A ]| no more leaving me, no more asking me for what I have not got. 02:0063,00[A ]| Or perhaps we will all come back, reunited, done with parting, done 02:0063,00[A ]| with prying on one another, back to$4$ this foul little den all dirty 02:0063,00[A ]| white and vaulted, as though hollowed out of ivory, a old rotten 02:0063,00[A ]| tooth. Or alone, back alone, as alone as when I went, but I doubt 02:0063,00[A ]| it, I can hear them from here, clamouring after me down the 02:0063,00[A ]| corridors, stumbling through the rubble, beseeching me to$9$ take 02:0063,00[A ]| them with me. That settles that. I have just time, if I have calculated 02:0063,00[A ]| right, and if I have calculated wrong so much the better, 02:0063,00[A ]| I ask nothing better, besides I have not calculated anything, do not 02:0063,00[A ]| ask anything either, just time to$9$ go and take a little turn, come 02:0064,00[A ]| back here and do all I have to$9$ do$1$, I forgot what, ah yes, put my 02:0064,00[A ]| possessions in order, and then something else, I forget what, but 02:0064,00[A ]| it will come back to$4$ me when the time comes. But before I go 02:0064,00[A ]| I should like to$9$ find a hole in the wall behind which so much 02:0064,00[A ]| goes on, such extraordinary things, and often coloured. One last 02:0064,00[A ]| glimpse and I feel I could slip away as happy as if I were embarking 02:0064,00[A ]| for ~~ I nearly said for Cythera, decidedly it is time for this 02:0064,00[A ]| to$9$ stop. After all this window is whatever I want it to$9$ be$1$, up to$4$ 02:0064,00[A ]| a point, that is right, do not compromise yourself. What strikes 02:0064,00[A ]| me to$9$ begin with is how much rounder it is than it was, 02:0064,00[A ]| so that it looks like a bull's-eye, or a porthole. No matter, 02:0064,00[A ]| provided there is something on the other side. First I see the 02:0064,00[A ]| night, which surprises me, to$4$ my surprise, I suppose because 02:0064,00[A ]| I want to$9$ be$1$ surprised, just once more. For in the room it is 02:0064,00[A ]| not night, I know, here it is never really night, I do not care what 02:0064,00[A ]| I said, but often darker than now, whereas out there up in the 02:0064,00[A ]| sky it is black night, with few stars, just enough to$9$ show that 02:0064,00[A ]| the black night I see is truly of mankind and not merely painted 02:0064,00[A ]| on the window-pane, for they tremble, like true stars, as they 02:0064,00[A ]| would not do$1$ if they were painted. And as if that were not enough 02:0064,00[A ]| to$9$ satisfy me it is the outer world, the other world, suddenly the 02:0064,00[A ]| window across the way lights up, or suddenly I realize it is lit 02:0064,00[A ]| up, for I am not one of those people who can take in everything 02:0064,00[A ]| at a single glance, but I have to$9$ look long and fixedly and give 02:0064,00[A ]| things time to$9$ travel the long road that lies between me and them. 02:0064,00[A ]| And that indeed is a happy chance and augurs well, unless it be 02:0064,00[A ]| devised on purpose to$9$ make mock of me, for I might have$1$ found 02:0064,00[A ]| nothing better to$9$ speed me from this place than the nocturnal 02:0064,00[A ]| sky where nothing happens, though it is full of tumult and violence, 02:0064,00[A ]| nothing unless you have the whole night before you to$9$ 02:0064,00[A ]| follow the slow fall and rise of other worlds, when there are any, 02:0064,00[A ]| or watch out for the meteors, and I have not the whole night 02:0064,00[A ]| before me. And it does not matter to$4$ me whether they have risen 02:0064,00[A ]| before dawn, or not yet gone to$4$ bed, or risen in the middle of 02:0064,00[A ]| the night intending perhaps to$9$ go back to$4$ bed when they have 02:0064,00[A ]| finished, and it is enough for me to$9$ see them standing up against 02:0065,00[A ]| each other behind the curtain, which is dark, so that it is a dark 02:0065,00[A ]| light, if one may say$1$ so, and dim the shadow they cast. For 02:0065,00[A ]| they cleave so fast together that they seem a single body, and 02:0065,00[A ]| consequently a single shadow. But when they totter it is clear 02:0065,00[A ]| they are twain, and in vain they clasp with the energy of despair, 02:0065,00[A ]| it is clear we have here two distinct and separate bodies, each 02:0065,00[A ]| enclosed within its own frontiers, and having no need of each 02:0065,00[A ]| other to$9$ come and go and sustain the flame of life, for each is 02:0065,00[A ]| well able to$9$ do$1$ so, independently of the other. Perhaps they are 02:0065,00[A ]| cold, that they rub against each other so, for friction maintains 02:0065,00[A ]| heat and brings it back when it is gone. It is all very pretty and 02:0065,00[A ]| strange, this big complicated shape made up of more than one, 02:0065,00[A ]| for perhaps there are three of them, and how it sways and totters, 02:0065,00[A ]| but rather poor in colour. But the night must be$1$ warm, for of 02:0065,00[A ]| a sudden the curtain lifts on a flare of tender colour, pale blush 02:0065,00[A ]| and white of flesh, then pink that must come from a garment 02:0065,00[A ]| and gold too that I have not time to$9$ understand. So it is not cold 02:0065,00[A ]| they are, standing so lightly clad by the open window. Ah how 02:0065,00[A ]| stupid I am, I see what it is, they must be$1$ loving each other, 02:0065,00[A ]| that must be$1$ how it is done. Good, that has done me good. I will 02:0065,00[A ]| see now if the sky is still there, then go. They are right up against 02:0065,00[A ]| the curtain now, motionless. Is it possible they have finished 02:0065,00[A ]| already? They have loved each other standing, like dogs. Soon 02:0065,00[A ]| they will be$1$ able to$9$ part. Or perhaps they are just having a 02:0065,00[A ]| breather, before they tackle the titbit. Back and forth, back and 02:0065,00[A ]| forth, that must be$1$ wonderful. They seem to$9$ be$1$ in pain. Enough, 02:0065,27[A ]| enough, goodbye. 02:0065,00[A ]| 02:0065,00@@@@@| 02:0065,30[A ]| Caught by the rain far from shelter Macmann stopped and 02:0065,00[A ]| lay down, saying, The surface thus pressed against the ground 02:0065,00[A ]| will remain dry, whereas standing I would get uniformly wet 02:0065,00[A ]| all over, as if rain were a mere matter of drops per hour, like 02:0065,00[A ]| electricity. So he lay down, prostrate, after a moment's hesitation, 02:0065,00[A ]| for he could just as easily have$1$ lain down supine or, 02:0065,36[A ]| meeting himself half-way, on one of his two sides. But he fancied 02:0066,00[A ]| that the nape of the neck and the back right down to$4$ the loins 02:0066,00[A ]| were more vulnerable than the chest and belly, not realizing, 02:0066,00[A ]| any more than if he had been a crate of tomatoes, that all these 02:0066,00[A ]| parts are intimately and even indissolubly bound up together, 02:0066,00[A ]| at least until death do them part, and to$4$ many another too of 02:0066,00[A ]| which he had no conception, and that a drop of water out of 02:0066,00[A ]| season on the coccyx for example may lead to$4$ spasms of the 02:0066,00[A ]| risorius lasting for years as when, having waded through a bog, 02:0066,00[A ]| you merely die of pneumonia and your legs none the worse for 02:0066,00[A ]| the wetting, but if anything better, thanks perhaps to$4$ the action 02:0066,00[A ]| of the bog-water. It was a heavy, cold and perpendicular rain, 02:0066,00[A ]| which led Macmann to$9$ suppose it would be$1$ brief, as if there 02:0066,00[A ]| were a relation between violence and duration, and that he 02:0066,00[A ]| would spring to$4$ his feet in ten minutes or a quarter of a hour, 02:0066,00[A ]| his front, no, his back, white with, no, front was right, his front 02:0066,00[A ]| white with dust. This is the kind of story he has been telling himself 02:0066,00[A ]| all his life, saying, This can not possibly last much longer. 02:0066,00[A ]| It was sometime in the afternoon, impossible to$9$ say$1$ more, for 02:0066,00[A ]| hours and hours past it had been the same leaden light, so it was 02:0066,00[A ]| very probably the afternoon, very. The still air, though not cold 02:0066,00[A ]| as in winter, seemed without promise or memory of warmth. 02:0066,00[A ]| Incommoded by the rain pouring into his hat through the crack, 02:0066,00[A ]| Macmann took it off and laid it on his temple, that is to$9$ say$1$ 02:0066,00[A ]| turned his head and pressed his cheek to$4$ the ground. His hands 02:0066,00[A ]| at the ends of the long outstretched arms clutched the grass, 02:0066,00[A ]| each hand a tuft, with as much energy as if he had been spreadeagled 02:0066,00[A ]| against the face of a cliff. Let us by all means continue 02:0066,00[A ]| this description. The rain pelted down on his back with the 02:0066,00[A ]| sound first of a drum, but in a short time of washing, as when 02:0066,00[A ]| washing is soused gurgling and squelching in a tub, and he 02:0066,00[A ]| distinguished clearly and with interest the difference in noise 02:0066,00[A ]| of the rain falling on him and falling on the earth. For his ear, 02:0066,00[A ]| which is on the same plane as the cheek or nearly, was glued 02:0066,00[A ]| to$4$ the earth in a way it seldom is in wet weather, and he could 02:0066,00[A ]| hear the kind of distant roar of the earth drinking and the sighing 02:0066,00[A ]| of the soaked bowed grasses. The idea of punishment came 02:0067,00[A ]| to$4$ his mind, addicted it is true to$4$ that chimera and probably 02:0067,00[A ]| impressed by the posture of the body and the fingers clenched 02:0067,00[A ]| as though in torment. And without knowing exactly what his 02:0067,00[A ]| sin was he felt full well that living was not a sufficient atonement 02:0067,00[A ]| for it or that this atonement was in itself a sin, calling for more 02:0067,00[A ]| atonement, and so on, as if there could be$1$ anything but life, 02:0067,00[A ]| for the living. And no doubt he would have$1$ wondered if it was 02:0067,00[A ]| really necessary to$9$ be$1$ guilty in order to$9$ be$1$ punished but for 02:0067,00[A ]| the memory, more and more galling, of his having consented to$9$ 02:0067,00[A ]| live in his mother, then to$9$ leave her$6$. And this again he could 02:0067,00[A ]| not see as his true sin, but as yet another atonement which had 02:0067,00[A ]| miscarried and, far from cleansing him of his sin, plunged him 02:0067,00[A ]| in it deeper than before. And truth to$9$ tell the ideas of guilt and 02:0067,00[A ]| punishment were confused together in his mind, as those of 02:0067,00[A ]| cause and effect so often are in the minds of those who continue 02:0067,00[A ]| to$9$ think. And it was often in fear and trembling that he suffered, 02:0067,00[A ]| saying, This will cost me dear. But not knowing how to$9$ go about 02:0067,00[A ]| it, in order to$9$ think and feel correctly, he would suddenly begin 02:0067,00[A ]| to$9$ smile for no reason, as now, as then, for already it is long 02:0067,00[A ]| since that afternoon, in March perhaps, or in November perhaps, 02:0067,00[A ]| in October rather, when the rain caught him far from shelter, to$9$ 02:0067,00[A ]| smile and give thanks for the teeming rain and the promise it 02:0067,00[A ]| contained of stars a little later, to$9$ light his way and enable him 02:0067,00[A ]| to$9$ get his bearings, should he wish to$9$ do$1$ so. For he did not know 02:0067,00[A ]| quite where he was, except that he was in a plain, and the mountains 02:0067,00[A ]| not far, nor the sea, nor the town, and that all he needed 02:0067,00[A ]| was a dust of light and a few fixed stars to$9$ enable him to$9$ make 02:0067,00[A ]| definite headway towards the one, or the other, or the third, or 02:0067,00[A ]| to$9$ hold fast where he was, in the plain, as he might be$1$ pleased 02:0067,00[A ]| to$9$ decide. For in order to$9$ hold fast in the place where you happen 02:0067,00[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ you need light too, unless you go round in circles, which 02:0067,00[A ]| is practically impossible in the dark, or halt and wait, motionless, 02:0067,00[A ]| for day to$9$ dawn again, and then you die of cold, unless it 02:0067,00[A ]| does not happen to$9$ be$1$ cold. But Macmann would have$1$ been 02:0067,00[A ]| more than human, after forty or forty-five minutes of sanguine 02:0067,36[A ]| expectation, seeing the rain persist as heavy as ever and day 02:0068,01[A ]| recede at last, if he had not begun to$9$ reproach himself with what 02:0068,00[A ]| he had done, namely with having lain down on the ground instead 02:0068,00[A ]| of continuing on his course, in as straight a line as possible, 02:0068,00[A ]| in the hope of chancing sooner or later on a tree, or a ruin. 02:0068,00[A ]| And instead of being astonished at such long and violent rain, 02:0068,00[A ]| he was astonished at not having understood, from the moment the 02:0068,00[A ]| first timid drops began to$9$ fall, that it was going to$9$ rain violently 02:0068,00[A ]| and long and that he must not stop and lie down, but on the contrary 02:0068,00[A ]| press forward, as fast as his legs could carry him, for he was 02:0068,00[A ]| no more than human, than the son and grandson and greatgrandson 02:0068,00[A ]| of humans. But between him and those grave and sober men, 02:0068,00[A ]| first bearded, then moustached, there was this difference, that 02:0068,00[A ]| his semen had never done any harm to$4$ anyone. So his link with 02:0068,00[A ]| his species was through his ascendants only, who were all dead, 02:0068,00[A ]| in the fond hope they had perpetuated themselves. But the better 02:0068,00[A ]| late than never thanks to$4$ which true men, true links, can acknowledge 02:0068,00[A ]| the error of their ways and hasten on to$4$ the next, was 02:0068,00[A ]| beyond the power of Macmann, to$4$ whom it sometimes seemed 02:0068,00[A ]| that he could grovel and wallow in his mortality until the end 02:0068,00[A ]| of time and not have done. And without going so far as that, 02:0068,00[A ]| he who has waited long enough will wait for*ever. And there 02:0068,00[A ]| comes the hour when nothing more can happen and nobody 02:0068,00[A ]| more can come and all is ended but the waiting that knows itself 02:0068,00[A ]| in vain. Perhaps he had come to$4$ that. And when (for example) 02:0068,00[A ]| you die, it is too late, you have been waiting too long, you are 02:0068,00[A ]| no longer sufficiently alive to$9$ be$1$ able to$9$ stop. Perhaps he had 02:0068,00[A ]| come to$4$ that. But apparently not, though acts do not matter, I 02:0068,00[A ]| know, I know, nor thoughts. For having reproached himself with 02:0068,00[A ]| what he had done, and with his monstrous error of appreciation, 02:0068,00[A ]| instead of springing up and hurrying on he turned over on his 02:0068,00[A ]| back, thus offering all his front to$4$ the deluge. And it was then 02:0068,00[A ]| his hair appeared clearly for the first time since his walks bare-headed 02:0068,00[A ]| in the smiling haunts of his youth, his hat having remained 02:0068,00[A ]| in the place which his head had just left. For when, 02:0068,00[A ]| lying on your stomach in a wild and practically illimitable part 02:0068,00[A ]| of the country, you turn over on your back, then there is a sideways 02:0069,00[A ]| movement of the whole body, including the head, unless 02:0069,00[A ]| you make a point of avoiding it, and the head comes to$9$ rest at 02:0069,00[A ]| x inches approximately from where it was before, x being the 02:0069,00[A ]| width of the shoulders in inches, for the head is right in the 02:0069,00[A ]| middle of the shoulders. But when you are in a narrow bed, I 02:0069,00[A ]| mean one just wide enough to$9$ contain you, a pallet shall we 02:0069,00[A ]| say$1$, then it is in vain you turn over on your back, then back 02:0069,00[A ]| over on your stomach, the head remains always in the same 02:0069,00[A ]| place, unless you make a point of inclining it to$4$ the right or to$4$ 02:0069,00[A ]| the left, and some there doubtless are who go to$4$ this trouble, in 02:0069,00[A ]| the hope of finding a little freshness. He tried to$9$ look at the dark 02:0069,00[A ]| streaming mass which was all that remained of sky and air, but 02:0069,00[A ]| the rain hurt his eyes and shut them. He opened his mouth and 02:0069,00[A ]| lay for a long time thus, his mouth open and his hands also and 02:0069,00[A ]| as far apart as possible from each other. For it is a curious 02:0069,00[A ]| thing, one tends less to$9$ clutch the ground when on one's back 02:0069,00[A ]| than when on one's stomach, there is a curious remark which 02:0069,00[A ]| might be$1$ worth following up. And just as a hour before he had 02:0069,00[A ]| pulled up his sleeves the better to$9$ clutch the grass, so now he 02:0069,00[A ]| pulled them up again the better to$9$ feel the rain pelting down 02:0069,00[A ]| on his palms, also called the hollows of the hands, or the flats, 02:0069,00[A ]| it all depends. And in the midst ~~ but I was nearly forgetting 02:0069,00[A ]| the hair, which from the point of view of colour was to$4$ white 02:0069,00[A ]| very much as the hour's gloom to$4$ black and from the point of 02:0069,00[A ]| view of length very long what is more, very long behind and 02:0069,00[A ]| very long on either side. And on a dry and windy day it would 02:0069,00[A ]| have$1$ gone romping in the grass almost like grass itself. But the 02:0069,00[A ]| rain glued it to$4$ the ground and churned it up with the earth 02:0069,00[A ]| and grass into a kind of muddy pulp, not a muddy pulp, a kind 02:0069,00[A ]| of muddy pulp. And in the midst of his suffering, for one does 02:0069,00[A ]| not remain so long in such a position without being incommoded, 02:0069,00[A ]| he began to$9$ wish that the rain would never cease nor consequently 02:0069,00[A ]| his sufferings or pain, for the cause of his pain was almost 02:0069,00[A ]| certainly the rain, recumbency in itself not being particularly 02:0069,00[A ]| unpleasant, as if there existed a relation between that which 02:0069,00[A ]| suffers and that which causes to$9$ suffer. For the rain could cease 02:0070,00[A ]| without his ceasing to$9$ suffer, just as he could cease to$9$ suffer 02:0070,00[A ]| without the rain's ceasing on that account. 02:0070,00@@@@@| 02:0070,00[A ]| And on him already 02:0070,00[A ]| this important quarter-truth was perhaps beginning to$9$ dawn. 02:0070,00[A ]| For while deploring he could not spend the rest of his life (which 02:0070,00[A ]| would thereby have$1$ been agreeably abridged) under this heavy, 02:0070,00[A ]| cold (without being icy) and perpendicular rain, now supine, 02:0070,00[A ]| now prone, he was quarter-inclined to$9$ wonder if he was not 02:0070,00[A ]| mistaken in holding it responsible for his sufferings and if in 02:0070,00[A ]| reality his discomfort was not the effect of quite a different cause 02:0070,00[A ]| or set of causes. For people are never content to$9$ suffer, but they 02:0070,00[A ]| must have$1$ heat and cold, rain and its contrary which is fine 02:0070,00[A ]| weather, and with that love, friendship, black skin and sexual 02:0070,00[A ]| and peptic deficiency for example, in short the furies and frenzies 02:0070,00[A ]| happily too numerous to$9$ be$1$ numbered of the body including 02:0070,00[A ]| the skull and its annexes, whatever that means, such as the club-foot, 02:0070,00[A ]| in order that they may know very precisely what exactly 02:0070,00[A ]| it is that dares prevent their happiness from being unalloyed. 02:0070,00[A ]| And sticklers have been met with who had no peace until they 02:0070,00[A ]| knew for certain whether their carcinoma was of the pylorus 02:0070,00[A ]| or whether on the contrary it was not rather of the duodenum. 02:0070,00[A ]| But these are flights for which Macmann was not yet fledged, 02:0070,00[A ]| and indeed he was rather of the earth earthy and ill-fitted for 02:0070,00[A ]| pure reason, especially in the circumstances in which we have 02:0070,00[A ]| been fortunate enough to$9$ circumscribe him. And to$9$ tell the truth 02:0070,00[A ]| he was by temperament more reptile than bird and could suffer 02:0070,00[A ]| extensive mutilation and survive, happier sitting than standing 02:0070,00[A ]| and lying down than sitting, so that he sat and lay down at the 02:0070,00[A ]| least pretext and only rose again when the e=lan vital or struggle 02:0070,00[A ]| for life began to$9$ prod him in the arse again. And a good half 02:0070,00[A ]| of his existence must have$1$ been spent in a motionlessness akin 02:0070,00[A ]| to$4$ that of stone, not to$9$ say$1$ the three quarters, or even the four 02:0070,00[A ]| fifths, a motionlessness at first skin-deep, but which little by 02:0070,00[A ]| little invaded, I will not say$1$ the vital parts, but at least the sensibility 02:0070,00[A ]| and understanding. And it must be$1$ presumed that he 02:0070,00[A ]| received from his numerous forbears, through the agency of his 02:0070,00[A ]| papa and his mama, a cast-iron vegetative system, to$9$ have$1$ 02:0071,00[A ]| reached the age he has just reached and which is nothing or 02:0071,00[A ]| very little compared to$4$ the age he will reach, as I know to$4$ my 02:0071,00[A ]| cost, without any serious mishap, I mean one of a nature to$9$ 02:0071,00[A ]| carry him off on the spot. For no*one ever came to$4$ his help, to$9$ 02:0071,00[A ]| help him avoid the thorns and snares that attend the steps of 02:0071,00[A ]| innocence, and he could never count on any other craft than his 02:0071,00[A ]| own, any other strength, to$9$ go from morning to$4$ evening and 02:0071,00[A ]| then from evening to$4$ morning without mortal hurt. And notably 02:0071,00[A ]| he never received any gifts of cash, or very seldom, and very 02:0071,00[A ]| paltry, which would not have$1$ mattered if he had been able to$9$ 02:0071,00[A ]| earn, in the sweat of his brow or by making use of his intelligence. 02:0071,00[A ]| But when given the job of weeding a plot of young carrots 02:0071,00[A ]| for example, at the rate of threepence or even sixpence a hour, 02:0071,00[A ]| it often happened that he tore them all up, through absentmindedness, 02:0071,00[A ]| or carried away by I know not what irresistible 02:0071,00[A ]| urge that came over him at the sight of vegetables, and even of 02:0071,00[A ]| flowers, and literally blinded him to$4$ his true interests, the urge 02:0071,00[A ]| to$9$ make a clean sweep and have nothing before his eyes but a 02:0071,00[A ]| patch of brown earth rid of its parasites, it was often more than 02:0071,00[A ]| he could resist. Or without going so far as that, suddenly all 02:0071,00[A ]| swam before his eyes, he could no longer distinguish the plants 02:0071,00[A ]| destined for the embellishment of the home or the nutrition of 02:0071,00[A ]| man and beast from the weeds which are said to$9$ serve no useful 02:0071,00[A ]| purpose, but which must have$1$ their usefulness too, for the earth 02:0071,00[A ]| to$9$ favour them so, such as squitch beloved of dogs and from 02:0071,00[A ]| which man too in his turn has succeeded in extracting a brew, 02:0071,00[A ]| and the hoe fell from his hands. And even with such humble 02:0071,00[A ]| occupations as street-cleaning to$4$ which with hopefulness he had 02:0071,00[A ]| sometimes turned, on the off chance of his being a born scavenger, 02:0071,00[A ]| he did not succeed any better. And even he himself was 02:0071,00[A ]| compelled to$9$ admit that the place swept by him looked dirtier 02:0071,00[A ]| at his departure than on his arrival, as if a demon had driven 02:0071,00[A ]| him to$9$ collect, with the broom, shovel and barrow placed gratis 02:0071,00[A ]| at his disposal by the corporation, all the dirt and filth which 02:0071,00[A ]| chance had withdrawn from the sight of the tax-payer and add 02:0071,00[A ]| them thus recovered to$4$ those already visible and which he was 02:0072,00[A ]| employed to$9$ remove. With the result that at the end of the day, 02:0072,00[A ]| throughout the sector consigned to$4$ him, one could see the peels 02:0072,00[A ]| of oranges and bananas, cigarette-butts, unspeakable scraps of 02:0072,00[A ]| paper, dogs' and horses' excrement and other muck, carefully 02:0072,00[A ]| concentrated all along the sidewalk or distributed on the crown 02:0072,00[A ]| of the street, as though in order to$9$ inspire the greatest possible 02:0072,00[A ]| disgust in the passers-by or provoke the greatest possible number 02:0072,00[A ]| of accidents, some fatal, by means of the slip. And yet he 02:0072,00[A ]| had done his honest best to$9$ give satisfaction, taking as his model 02:0072,00[A ]| his more experienced colleagues, and doing as they did. But it 02:0072,00[A ]| was truly as if he were not master of his movements and did not 02:0072,00[A ]| know what he was doing, while he was doing it, nor what he had 02:0072,00[A ]| done, once he had done it. For someone had to$9$ say$1$ to$4$ him, Look 02:0072,00[A ]| at what you have done, sticking his nose in it so to$9$ speak, otherwise 02:0072,00[A ]| he did not realize, but thought he had done as any man of 02:0072,00[A ]| good will would have$1$ done in his place and with very much 02:0072,00[A ]| the same results, in spite of his lack of experience. And yet when 02:0072,00[A ]| it came to$4$ doing some little thing for himself, as for example 02:0072,00[A ]| when he had to$9$ repair or replace one of his buttons or pegs, 02:0072,00[A ]| which were not long-lived being mostly of green wood and exposed 02:0072,00[A ]| to$4$ all the rigours of the temperate zone, then he really 02:0072,00[A ]| exhibited a certain dexterity, without the help of any other apparatus 02:0072,00[A ]| than his bare hands. And indeed he had devoted to$4$ these 02:0072,00[A ]| little tasks a great part of his existence, that it is to$9$ say$1$ of the 02:0072,00[A ]| half or quarter of his existence associated with more or less 02:0072,00[A ]| coordinated movements of the body. For he had to$9$, he had to$9$, 02:0072,00[A ]| if he wished to$9$ go on coming and going on the earth, which to$9$ 02:0072,00[A ]| tell the truth he did not, particularly, but he had to$9$, for obscure 02:0072,00[A ]| reasons known who knows to$4$ God alone, though to$9$ tell the truth 02:0072,00[A ]| God does not seem to$9$ need reasons for doing what he does, and 02:0072,00[A ]| for omitting to$9$ do$1$ what he omits to$9$ do$1$, to$4$ the same degree as his 02:0072,00[A ]| creatures, does he? Such then seemed to$9$ be$1$ Macmann, seen from 02:0072,00[A ]| a certain angle, incapable of weeding a bed of pansies or marigolds 02:0072,00[A ]| and leaving one standing and at the same time well able to$9$ 02:0072,00[A ]| consolidate his boots with willow bark and thongs of wicker, so 02:0072,00[A ]| that he might come and go on the earth from time to$4$ time and 02:0073,00[A ]| not wound himself too sorely on the stones, thorns and broken 02:0073,00[A ]| glass provided by the carelessness or wickedness of man, with 02:0073,00[A ]| hardly a complaint, for he had to$9$. For he was incapable of picking 02:0073,00[A ]| his steps and choosing where to$9$ put down his feet (which 02:0073,00[A ]| would have$1$ permitted him to$9$ go barefoot). And even had he been 02:0073,00[A ]| so he would have$1$ been so to$4$ no great purpose, so little was he 02:0073,00[A ]| master of his movements. And what is the good of aiming at the 02:0073,00[A ]| smooth and mossy places when the foot, missing its mark, comes 02:0073,00[A ]| down on the flints and shards or sinks up to$4$ the knee in the cowpads? 02:0073,00[A ]| But to$9$ pass on now to$4$ considerations of another order, it 02:0073,00[A ]| is perhaps not inappropriate to$9$ wish Macmann, since wishing 02:0073,00[A ]| costs nothing, sooner or later a general paralysis sparing at a 02:0073,00[A ]| pinch the arms if that is conceivable, in a place impermeable as 02:0073,00[A ]| far as possible to$4$ wind, rain, sound, cold, great heat (as in the 02:0073,00[A ]| seventh century) and daylight, with one or two eiderdowns just 02:0073,00[A ]| in case and a charitable soul say once a week bearing eating-apples 02:0073,00[A ]| and sardines in oil for the purpose of postponing as long 02:0073,00[A ]| as possible the fatal hour, it would be$1$ wonderful. But in the meantime 02:0073,00[A ]| in the end, the rain still falling with unabated violence in 02:0073,00[A ]| spite of his having turned over on his back, Macmann grew restless, 02:0073,00[A ]| flinging himself from side to$4$ side as though in a fit of the 02:0073,00[A ]| fever, buttoning himself and unbuttoning and finally rolling 02:0073,00[A ]| over and over in the same direction, it little matters which, with 02:0073,00[A ]| a brief pause after each roll to$9$ begin with, and then without 02:0073,00[A ]| break. And in theory his hat should have$1$ followed him, seeing 02:0073,00[A ]| it was tied to$4$ his coat, and the string twisted itself about his 02:0073,00[A ]| neck, but not at all, for theory is one thing and reality another, 02:0073,00[A ]| and the hat remained where it was, I mean in its place, like 02:0073,00[A ]| a thing forsaken. But perhaps one day a high wind would come 02:0073,00[A ]| and send it, dry and light again, bowling and bounding over 02:0073,00[A ]| the plain until it came to$4$ the town, or the ocean, but not necessarily. 02:0073,00[A ]| Now it was not the first time that Macmann rolled upon 02:0073,00[A ]| the ground, but he had always done so without ulterior locomotive 02:0073,00[A ]| motive. Whereas then, as he moved further and further 02:0073,00[A ]| from the place where the rain had caught him far from shelter 02:0073,00[A ]| and which thanks to$4$ the hat continued to$9$ contrast with the surrounding 02:0074,00[A ]| space, he realized he was advancing with regularity, 02:0074,00[A ]| and even a certain rapidity, along the arc of a gigantic circle 02:0074,00[A ]| probably, for he assumed that one of his extremities was heavier 02:0074,00[A ]| than the other, without knowing quite which, but not by much. 02:0074,00[A ]| And as he rolled he conceived and polished the plan of continuing 02:0074,00[A ]| to$9$ roll on all night if necessary, or at least until his 02:0074,00[A ]| strength should fail him, and thus approach the confines of 02:0074,00[A ]| this plain which to$9$ tell the truth he was in no hurry to$9$ leave, but 02:0074,00[A ]| nevertheless was leaving, he knew it. And without reducing his 02:0074,00[A ]| speed he began to$9$ dream of a flat land where he would never 02:0074,00[A ]| have$1$ to$9$ rise again and hold himself erect in equilibrium, first on 02:0074,00[A ]| the right foot for example, then on the left, and where he might 02:0074,00[A ]| come and go and so survive after the fashion of a great cylinder 02:0074,00[A ]| endowed with the faculties of cognition and volition. And without 02:0074,00[A ]| exactly building castles in Spain, for that 02:0074,00[A ]| 02:0074,00@@@@@| 02:0074,00[A ]| Quick quick my possessions. Quiet, quiet, twice, I have time, 02:0074,00[A ]| lots of time, as usual. My pencil, my two pencils, the one of 02:0074,00[A ]| which nothing remains between my huge fingers but the lead 02:0074,00[A ]| fallen from the wood and the other, long and round, in the bed 02:0074,00[A ]| somewhere, I was holding it in reserve, I will not look for it, I 02:0074,00[A ]| know it is there somewhere, if I have time when I have finished 02:0074,00[A ]| I will look for it, if I do not find it I will not have$1$ it, I will make the 02:0074,00[A ]| correction, with the other, if anything remains of it. Quiet, 02:0074,00[A ]| quiet. My exercise-book, I do not see it, but I feel it in my left 02:0074,00[A ]| hand, I do not know where it comes from, I did not have$1$ it when I 02:0074,00[A ]| came here, but I feel it is mine. That is the style, as if I were 02:0074,00[A ]| sweet and seventy. In that case the bed would be$1$ mine too, and 02:0074,00[A ]| the little table, the dish, the pots, the cupboard, the blankets. 02:0074,00[A ]| No, nothing of all that is mine. But the exercise-book is mine, 02:0074,00[A ]| I can not explain. The two pencils then, the exercise-book and then 02:0074,00[A ]| the stick, which I did not have$1$ either when I came here, but 02:0074,00[A ]| which I consider mine, I must have$1$ described it long ago. I am 02:0074,00[A ]| quiet, I have time, but I shall describe as little as possible. It 02:0074,00[A ]| is with me in the bed, under the blankets, there was a time I 02:0075,00[A ]| used to$9$ rub myself against it, saying, It is a little woman. But 02:0075,00[A ]| it is so long that it sticks out under the pillow and finishes far 02:0075,00[A ]| behind me. I continue from memory. It is black dark. I can 02:0075,00[A ]| hardly see the window. It must be$1$ letting in the night again. 02:0075,00[A ]| Even if I had time to$9$ rummage in my possessions, to$9$ bring 02:0075,00[A ]| them over to$4$ the bed one by one or tangled together as is often 02:0075,00[A ]| the way with forsaken things, I would not see anything. And 02:0075,00[A ]| perhaps indeed I have the time, let us assume I have the time, 02:0075,00[A ]| and proceed as if I had not. But it can not be$1$ so long since I 02:0075,00[A ]| checked and went through all my things, in the light, in anticipation 02:0075,00[A ]| of this hour. But since then I must have$1$ forgotten it all. 02:0075,00[A ]| A needle stuck into two corks to$9$ prevent it from sticking into 02:0075,00[A ]| me, for if the point pricks less than the eye, no, that is wrong, 02:0075,00[A ]| for if the point pricks more than the eye, the eye pricks too, 02:0075,00[A ]| that is wrong too. Round the shank, between the two corks, a 02:0075,00[A ]| wisp of black thread clings. It is a pretty little object, like a ~~ 02:0075,00[A ]| no, it is like nothing. The bowl of my pipe, though I never used 02:0075,00[A ]| a tobacco-pipe. I must have$1$ found it somewhere, on the ground, 02:0075,00[A ]| when out walking. There it was, in the grass, thrown away because 02:0075,00[A ]| it could no longer serve, the stem having broken off (I 02:0075,00[A ]| suddenly remember that) just short of the bowl. This pipe could 02:0075,00[A ]| have$1$ been repaired, but he must have$1$ said, Bah, I will buy myself 02:0075,00[A ]| another. But all I found was the bowl. But all that is mere 02:0075,00[A ]| supposition. Perhaps I thought it pretty, or felt for it that foul 02:0075,00[A ]| feeling of pity I have so often felt in the presence of things, 02:0075,00[A ]| especially little portable things in wood and stone, and which 02:0075,00[A ]| made me wish to$9$ have$1$ them about me and keep them always, 02:0075,00[A ]| so that I stooped and picked them up and put them in my 02:0075,00[A ]| pocket, often with tears, for I wept up to$4$ a great age, never 02:0075,00[A ]| having really evolved in the fields of affection and passion, in 02:0075,00[A ]| spite of my experiences. And but for the company of these little 02:0075,00[A ]| objects which I picked up here and there, when out walking, 02:0075,00[A ]| and which sometimes gave me the impression that they too 02:0075,00[A ]| needed me, I might have$1$ been reduced to$4$ the society of nice 02:0075,00[A ]| people or to$4$ the consolations of some religion or other, but I 02:0075,00[A ]| think not. And I loved, I remember, as I walked along, with 02:0076,00[A ]| my hands deep in my pockets, for I am trying to$9$ speak of the 02:0076,00[A ]| time when I could still walk without a stick and a fortiori without 02:0076,00[A ]| crutches, I loved to$9$ finger and caress the hard shapely 02:0076,00[A ]| objects that were there in my deep pockets, it was my way of 02:0076,00[A ]| talking to$4$ them and reassuring them. And I loved to$9$ fall asleep 02:0076,00[A ]| holding in my hand a stone, a horse chestnut or a cone, and 02:0076,00[A ]| I would be$1$ still holding it when I woke, my fingers closed over 02:0076,00[A ]| it, in spite of sleep which makes a rag of the body, so that it 02:0076,00[A ]| may rest. And those of which I wearied, or which were ousted 02:0076,00[A ]| by new loves, I threw away, that is to$9$ say$1$ I cast round for a 02:0076,00[A ]| place to$9$ lay them where they would be$1$ at peace forever, and 02:0076,00[A ]| no one ever find them short of a extraordinary hazard, and 02:0076,00[A ]| such places are few and far between, and I laid them there. 02:0076,00[A ]| Or I buried them, or threw them into the sea, with all my 02:0076,00[A ]| strength as far as possible from the land, those I knew for certain 02:0076,00[A ]| would not float, even briefly. But many a wooden friend too 02:0076,00[A ]| I have sent to$4$ the bottom, weighted with a stone. Until I realized 02:0076,00[A ]| it was wrong of me. For when the string is rotted they 02:0076,00[A ]| will rise to$4$ the surface, if they have not already done so, and 02:0076,00[A ]| return to$4$ the land, sooner or later. In this way I disposed of 02:0076,00[A ]| things I loved but could no longer keep, because of new loves. 02:0076,00[A ]| And often I missed them. But I had hidden them so well that 02:0076,00[A ]| even I could never find them again. That is the style, as if I still 02:0076,00[A ]| had time to$9$ kill. And so I have, deep down I know it well. Then 02:0076,00[A ]| why play at being in a hurry? I do not know. Perhaps I am in 02:0076,00[A ]| a hurry after all, it was the impression I had a short time ago. 02:0076,00[A ]| But my impressions. And what after all if I were not so anxious 02:0076,00[A ]| as I make out to$9$ recall to$4$ mind all that is left to$4$ me of all I 02:0076,00[A ]| ever had, a good dozen objects at least to$9$ put it mildly? No 02:0076,00[A ]| no, I must. Then it is something else. Where were we? My bowl. 02:0076,00[A ]| So I never got rid of it. I used it as a receptacle, I kept things 02:0076,00[A ]| in it, I wonder what I could have$1$ kept in it, so small a space, 02:0076,00[A ]| and I made a little cap for it, out of tin. Next. Poor Macmann. 02:0076,00[A ]| Decidedly it will never have$1$ been given to$4$ me to$9$ finish anything, 02:0076,00[A ]| except perhaps breathing. One must not be$1$ greedy. But is this 02:0076,00[A ]| how one chokes? Presumably. And the rattle, what about the 02:0077,00[A ]| rattle? Perhaps it is not de rigueur after all. To$9$ have$1$ vagitated 02:0077,00[A ]| and not be$1$ bloody well able to$9$ rattle. How life dulls the power 02:0077,00[A ]| to$9$ protest to$9$ be$1$ sure. I wonder what my last words will be$1$, 02:0077,00[A ]| written, the others do not endure, but vanish, into thin air. I 02:0077,00[A ]| shall never know. I shall not finish this inventory either, a little 02:0077,00[A ]| bird tells me so, the paraclete perhaps, psittaceously named. 02:0077,00[A ]| Be$8$ it so. A club in any case, I can not help it, I must state the 02:0077,00[A ]| facts, without trying to$9$ understand, to$4$ the end. There are moments 02:0077,00[A ]| when I feel I have been here always, perhaps even was 02:0077,00[A ]| born here. Then it passes. That would explain many things. 02:0077,00[A ]| Or that I have come back after a long absence. But I have done 02:0077,00[A ]| with feelings and hypotheses. This club is mine and that is all 02:0077,00[A ]| about it. It is stained with blood, but insufficiently, insufficiently. 02:0077,00[A ]| I have defended myself, ill, but I have defended myself. That 02:0077,00[A ]| is what I tell myself sometimes. One boot, originally yellow, I 02:0077,00[A ]| forget for which foot. The other, its fellow, has gone. They 02:0077,00[A ]| took it away, at the beginning, before they realized I should 02:0077,00[A ]| never walk again. And they left the other, in the hope I would 02:0077,00[A ]| be$1$ saddened, seeing it there, without its fellow. Men are like 02:0077,00[A ]| that. Or perhaps it is on top of the cupboard. I have looked for 02:0077,00[A ]| it everywhere, with my stick, but I never thought of the top of 02:0077,00[A ]| the cupboard. Till now. And as I shall never look for it any 02:0077,00[A ]| more, or for anything else, either on top of the cupboard or 02:0077,00[A ]| anywhere else, it is no longer mine. For only those things are 02:0077,00[A ]| mine the whereabouts of which I know well enough to$9$ be$1$ able 02:0077,00[A ]| to$9$ lay hold of them, if necessary, that is the definition I have 02:0077,00[A ]| adopted, to$9$ define my possessions. For otherwise there would 02:0077,00[A ]| be$1$ no end to$4$ it. But in any case there will be$1$ no end to$4$ it. It 02:0077,00[A ]| did not greatly resemble ~~ but it is wrong of me to$9$ dwell upon 02:0077,00[A ]| it ~~ the one I have preserved, the yellow one, remarkable for the 02:0077,00[A ]| number of its eyeholes, I never saw a boot with so many eye-holes, 02:0077,00[A ]| useless for the most part, having ceased to$9$ be$1$ holes, and 02:0077,00[A ]| become slits. All these things are together in the corner in a 02:0077,00[A ]| heap. I could lay hold of them, even now, in the dark, I need 02:0077,00[A ]| only wish to$9$ do$1$ so. I would identify them by touch, the message 02:0077,00[A ]| would flow all along the stick, I would hook the desired 02:0078,00[A ]| object and bring it over to$4$ the bed, I would hear it coming towards 02:0078,00[A ]| me over the floor, gliding, jogging, less and less dear, 02:0078,00[A ]| I would hoist it up on the bed in such a way as not to$9$ break the 02:0078,00[A ]| window or damage the ceiling, and at last I would have$1$ it in 02:0078,00[A ]| my hands. If it was my hat I might put it on, that would remind 02:0078,00[A ]| me of the good old days, though I remember them sufficiently 02:0078,00[A ]| well. It has lost its brim, it looks like a bell-glass to$9$ put over a 02:0078,00[A ]| melon. In order to$9$ put it on and take it off you have to$9$ grasp 02:0078,00[A ]| it like a great ball, between your palms. It is perhaps the only 02:0078,00[A ]| object in my possession the history of which I have not forgotten, 02:0078,00[A ]| I mean counting from the day it became mine. I know 02:0078,00[A ]| in what circumstances it lost its brim, I was there at the time, 02:0078,00[A ]| it was so that I might keep it on while I slept. I should rather 02:0078,00[A ]| like it to$9$ be$1$ buried with me, a harmless whim, but what steps 02:0078,00[A ]| should I take? Mem, put it on on the off chance, well wedged 02:0078,00[A ]| down, before it is too late. But all in due time. Should I go on 02:0078,00[A ]| I wonder. I feel I am perhaps attributing to$4$ myself things I 02:0078,00[A ]| no longer possess and reporting as missing others that are not 02:0078,00[A ]| missing. And I feel there are others, over there in the corner, 02:0078,00[A ]| belonging to$4$ a third category, that of those of which I know 02:0078,00[A ]| nothing and with regard to$4$ which therefore there is little danger 02:0078,00[A ]| of my being wrong, or of my being right. And I remind myself 02:0078,00[A ]| also that since I last went through my possessions much water 02:0078,00[A ]| has passed beneath Butt Bridge, in both directions. For I have 02:0078,00[A ]| sufficiently perished in this room to$9$ know that some things go 02:0078,00[A ]| out, and other things come in, through I know not what agency. 02:0078,00[A ]| And among those that go out there are some that come back, 02:0078,00[A ]| after a more or less prolonged absence, and others that never 02:0078,00[A ]| come back. With the result that, among those that come in, 02:0078,00[A ]| some are familiar to$4$ me, others not. I do not understand. And, 02:0078,00[A ]| stranger still, there exists a whole family of objects, having apparently 02:0078,00[A ]| very little in common, which have never left me, since 02:0078,00[A ]| I have been here, but remained quietly in their place, in the 02:0078,00[A ]| corner, as in any ordinary uninhabited room. Or else they were 02:0078,00[A ]| very quick. How false all that rings. But there is no guarantee 02:0078,00[A ]| things will be$1$ ever thus. I can not account in any other way for 02:0079,01[A ]| the changing aspect of my possessions. So that, strictly speaking, 02:0079,00[A ]| it is impossible for me to$9$ know, from one moment to$4$ the 02:0079,00[A ]| next, what is mine and what is not, according to$4$ my definition. 02:0079,00[A ]| So I wonder if I should go on, I mean go on drawing up a inventory 02:0079,00[A ]| corresponding perhaps but faintly to$4$ the facts, and 02:0079,00[A ]| if I should not rather cut it short and devote myself to$4$ some 02:0079,00[A ]| other form of distraction, of less consequence, or simply wait, 02:0079,00[A ]| doing nothing, or counting perhaps, one, two, three and so on, 02:0079,00[A ]| until all danger to$4$ myself from myself is past at last. That is 02:0079,00[A ]| what comes of being scrupulous. If I had a penny I would let it 02:0079,00[A ]| make up my mind. Decidedly the night is long and poor in counsel. 02:0079,00[A ]| Perhaps I should persist until dawn. All things considered. 02:0079,00[A ]| Good idea, excellent. If at dawn I am still there I shall take a 02:0079,00[A ]| decision. I am half asleep. But I dare not sleep. Rectifications in 02:0079,00[A ]| extremis, in extremissimis, are always possible after all. But 02:0079,00[A ]| have I not perhaps just passed away? Malone, Malone, no more 02:0079,00[A ]| of that. 02:0079,00@@@@@| 02:0079,00[A ]| Perhaps I should call in all my possessions such as they 02:0079,00[A ]| are and take them into bed with me. Would that be$1$ of any use? 02:0079,00[A ]| I suppose not. But I may. I have always that resource. When it 02:0079,00[A ]| is light enough to$9$ see. Then I shall have$1$ them all round me, 02:0079,00[A ]| on top of me, under me, in the corner there will be$1$ nothing left, 02:0079,00[A ]| all will be$1$ in the bed, with me. I shall hold my photograph in 02:0079,00[A ]| my hand, my stone, so that they can not get away. I shall put on 02:0079,00[A ]| my hat. Perhaps I shall have$1$ something in my mouth, my scrap 02:0079,00[A ]| of newspaper perhaps, or my buttons, and I shall be$1$ lying on 02:0079,00[A ]| other treasures still. My photograph. It is not a photograph of 02:0079,00[A ]| me, but I am perhaps at hand. It is a ass, taken from in front 02:0079,00[A ]| and close up, at the edge of the ocean, it is not the ocean, but for 02:0079,00[A ]| me it is the ocean. They naturally tried to$9$ make it raise its head, 02:0079,00[A ]| so that its beautiful eyes might be$1$ impressed on the celluloid, 02:0079,00[A ]| but it holds it lowered. You can tell by its ears that it is not 02:0079,00[A ]| pleased. They put a boater on its head. The thin hard parallel 02:0079,00[A ]| legs, the little hooves light and dainty on the sand. The outline 02:0079,00[A ]| is blurred, that is the operator's giggle shaking the camera. The 02:0079,00[A ]| ocean looks so unnatural that you would think you were in a studio, 02:0079,00[A ]| but is it not rather the reverse I should say$1$? No trace left of 02:0080,00[A ]| any clothes for example, apart from the boot, the hat and three 02:0080,00[A ]| socks, I counted them. Where have my clothes disappeared, 02:0080,00[A ]| my greatcoat, my trousers and the flannel that Mr*Quin gave 02:0080,00[A ]| me, with the remark that he did not need it any more? Perhaps 02:0080,00[A ]| they were burnt. But our business is not with what I have no 02:0080,00[A ]| longer, such things do not count at such a moment, whatever 02:0080,00[A ]| people may say$1$. In any case I think I will stop. I was keeping the 02:0080,00[A ]| best for the end, but I do not feel very well, perhaps I am going, 02:0080,00[A ]| that would surprise me. It is a passing weakness, everyone has 02:0080,00[A ]| experienced that. One weakens, then it passes, one's strength 02:0080,00[A ]| comes back and one resumes. That is probably what is happening 02:0080,00[A ]| to$4$ me. I yawn, would I yawn if it was serious? Why not? 02:0080,00[A ]| I would gladly eat a little soup, if there was any left. No, even 02:0080,00[A ]| if there was some left I would not eat it. So there. It is some 02:0080,00[A ]| days now since my soup was renewed, did I mention that? I 02:0080,00[A ]| suppose so. It is in vain I dispatch my table to$4$ the door, bring 02:0080,00[A ]| it back beside me, move it to$8$ and fro in the hope that the noise 02:0080,00[A ]| will be$1$ heard and correctly interpreted in the right quarters, 02:0080,00[A ]| the dish remains empty. One of the pots on the other hand remains 02:0080,00[A ]| full, and the other is filling slowly. If I ever succeed in 02:0080,00[A ]| filling it I shall empty them both out on the floor, but it is unlikely. 02:0080,00[A ]| Now that I have stopped eating I produce less waste and 02:0080,00[A ]| so eliminate less. The pots do not seem to$9$ be$1$ mine, I simply have 02:0080,00[A ]| the use of them. They answer to$4$ the definition of what is mine, 02:0080,00[A ]| but they are not mine. Perhaps it is the definition that is at 02:0080,00[A ]| fault. They have each two handles or ears, projecting above the 02:0080,00[A ]| rim and facing each other, into which I insert my stick. In this 02:0080,00[A ]| way I move my pots about, lift them up and set them down. 02:0080,00[A ]| Nothing has been left to$4$ chance. Or is it a happy chance? I can 02:0080,00[A ]| therefore easily turn them upside down, if I am driven to$4$ it, 02:0080,00[A ]| and wait for them to$9$ empty, as long as necessary. After this 02:0080,00[A ]| passing reference to$4$ my pots I feel a little more lively. They are 02:0080,00[A ]| not mine, but I say my pots, as I say my bed, my window, as 02:0080,00[A ]| I say me. Nevertheless I shall stop. It is my possessions have 02:0080,00[A ]| weakened me, if I start talking about them again I shall weaken 02:0080,36[A ]| again, for the same causes give rise to$4$ the same effects. I should 02:0081,01[A ]| have$1$ liked to$9$ speak of the cap of my bicycle-bell, of my half-crutch, 02:0081,00[A ]| the top half, you would think it was a baby's crutch. But 02:0081,00[A ]| I can still do$1$ so, what is there to$9$ prevent me? I do not know. I 02:0081,00[A ]| can not. To$9$ think I shall perhaps die of hunger, after all, of starvation 02:0081,00[A ]| rather, after having struggled successfully all my life against 02:0081,00[A ]| that menace. I can not believe it. There is a providence for impotent 02:0081,00[A ]| old men, to$4$ the end. And when they can not swallow any 02:0081,00[A ]| more someone rams a tube down their gullet, or up their rectum, 02:0081,00[A ]| and fills them full of vitaminized pap, so as not to$9$ be$1$ accused of 02:0081,00[A ]| murder. I shall therefore die of old age pure and simple, glutted 02:0081,00[A ]| with days as in the days before the flood, on a full stomach. 02:0081,00[A ]| Perhaps they think I am dead. Or perhaps they are dead themselves. 02:0081,00[A ]| I say they, though perhaps I should not. In the beginning, 02:0081,00[A ]| but was it the beginning, I used to$9$ see a old woman, then for 02:0081,00[A ]| a time a old yellow arm, then for a time a old yellow hand. 02:0081,00[A ]| But these were probably no more than the agents of a consortium. 02:0081,00[A ]| And indeed the silence at times is such that the earth 02:0081,00[A ]| seems uninhabited. That is what comes of the taste for generalisation. 02:0081,00[A ]| You have only to$9$ hear nothing for a few days, in your 02:0081,00[A ]| hole, nothing but the sounds of things, and you begin to$9$ fancy 02:0081,00[A ]| yourself the last of human kind. What if I started to$9$ scream? 02:0081,00[A ]| Not that I wish to$9$ draw attention to$4$ myself, simply to$9$ try and 02:0081,00[A ]| find out if there is someone about. But I do not like screaming. 02:0081,00[A ]| I have spoken softly, gone my ways softly, all my days, as behoves 02:0081,00[A ]| one who has nothing to$9$ say$1$, nowhere to$9$ go, and so nothing 02:0081,00[A ]| to$9$ gain by being seen or heard. Not to$9$ mention the possibility 02:0081,00[A ]| of there being not a living soul within a radius of one hundred 02:0081,00[A ]| yards and then such multitudes of people that they are walking 02:0081,00[A ]| on top of one another. They do not dare come near me. In 02:0081,00[A ]| that case I could scream my head off to$4$ no purpose. I shall 02:0081,00[A ]| try all the same. I have tried. I heard nothing out of the ordinary. 02:0081,00[A ]| No, I exaggerate, I heard a kind of burning croak deep 02:0081,00[A ]| down in the windpipe, as when one has heartburn. With practice 02:0081,00[A ]| I might produce a groan, before I die. I am not sleepy any more. 02:0081,00[A ]| In any case I must not sleep any more. What tedium. I have 02:0081,00[A ]| missed the ebb. Did I say$1$ I only say a small proportion of the 02:0082,00[A ]| things that come into my head? I must have$1$. I choose those that 02:0082,00[A ]| seem somehow akin. It is not always easy. I hope they are the 02:0082,00[A ]| most important. I wonder if I shall ever be$1$ able to$9$ stop. Perhaps 02:0082,00[A ]| I should throw away my lead. I could never retrieve it 02:0082,00[A ]| now. I might be$1$ sorry. My little lead. It is a risk I do not feel 02:0082,00[A ]| inclined to$9$ take, just now. What then? I wonder if I could not 02:0082,00[A ]| contrive, wielding my stick like a punt-pole, to$9$ move my bed. 02:0082,00[A ]| It may well be$1$ on castors, many beds are. Incredible I should 02:0082,00[A ]| never have$1$ thought of this, all the time I have been here. I 02:0082,00[A ]| might even succeed in steering it, it is so narrow, through the 02:0082,00[A ]| door, and even down the stairs, if there is a stairs that goes 02:0082,00[A ]| down. To$9$ be$1$ off and away. The dark is against me, in a sense. 02:0082,00[A ]| But I can always try and see if the bed will move. I have only 02:0082,00[A ]| to$9$ set the stick against the wall and push. And I can see myself 02:0082,00[A ]| already, if successful, taking a little turn in the room, until it 02:0082,00[A ]| is light enough for me to$9$ set forth. At least while thus employed 02:0082,00[A ]| I shall stop telling myself lies. And then, who knows, the physical 02:0082,00[A ]| effort may polish me off, by means of heart failure. 02:0082,00[A ]| 02:0082,00[A ]| 02:0082,00[A ]| I have lost my stick, That is the outstanding event of the 02:0082,00[A ]| day, for it is day again. The bed has not stirred. I must have$1$ 02:0082,00[A ]| missed my point of purchase, in the dark. Sine qua non, Archimedes 02:0082,00[A ]| was right. The stick, having slipped, would have$1$ plucked 02:0082,00[A ]| me from the bed if I had not let it go. It would of course have$1$ 02:0082,00[A ]| been better for me to$9$ relinquish my bed than to$9$ lose my stick. 02:0082,00[A ]| But I had not time to$9$ think. The fear of falling is the source of 02:0082,00[A ]| many a folly. It is a disaster. I suppose the wisest thing now 02:0082,00[A ]| is to$9$ live it over again, meditate upon it and be$1$ edified. It is 02:0082,00[A ]| thus that man distinguishes himself from the ape and rises, 02:0082,00[A ]| from discovery to$4$ discovery, ever higher, towards the light. Now 02:0082,00[A ]| that I have lost my stick I realize what it is I have lost and all 02:0082,00[A ]| it meant to$4$ me. And thence ascend, painfully, to$4$ a understanding 02:0082,00[A ]| of the Stick, shorn of all its accidents, such as I had never 02:0082,00[A ]| dreamt of. What a broadening of the mind. So that I half discern, 02:0082,00[A ]| in the veritable catastrophe that has befallen me, a blessing 02:0083,00[A ]| in disguise. How comforting that is. Catastrophe too in the 02:0083,00[A ]| ancient sense no doubt. To$9$ be$1$ buried in lava and not turn a hair, 02:0083,00[A ]| it is then a man shows what stuff he is made of. To$9$ know you 02:0083,00[A ]| can do$1$ better next time, unrecognizably better, and that there 02:0083,00[A ]| is no next time, and that it is a blessing there is not, there is a 02:0083,00[A ]| thought to$9$ be$1$ going on with. I thought I was turning my stick 02:0083,00[A ]| to$4$ the best possible account, like a monkey scratching its fleas 02:0083,00[A ]| with the key that opens its cage. For it is obvious to$4$ me now that 02:0083,00[A ]| by making a more intelligent use of my stick I might have$1$ 02:0083,00[A ]| extracted myself from my bed and perhaps even got myself 02:0083,00[A ]| back into it, when tired of rolling and dragging myself about 02:0083,00[A ]| the floor or on the stairs. That would have$1$ introduced a little 02:0083,00[A ]| variety into my decomposition. How is it that never occurred to$4$ 02:0083,00[A ]| me? It is true I had no wish to$9$ leave my bed. But can the sage 02:0083,00[A ]| have$1$ no wish for something the very possibility of which he does 02:0083,00[A ]| not conceive? I do not understand. The sage perhaps. But I? It 02:0083,00[A ]| is day again, at least what passes for such here. I must have$1$ 02:0083,00[A ]| fallen asleep after a brief bout of discouragement, such as I 02:0083,00[A ]| have not experienced for a long time. For why be$1$ discouraged, 02:0083,00[A ]| one of the thieves was saved, that is a generous percentage. I 02:0083,00[A ]| see the stick on the floor, not far from the bed. That is to$9$ say$1$ 02:0083,00[A ]| I see part of it, as of all one sees. It might just as well be$1$ at the 02:0083,00[A ]| equator, or one of the poles. No, not quite, for perhaps I shall 02:0083,00[A ]| devise a way of retrieving it, I am so ingenious. All is not then 02:0083,00[A ]| yet quite irrevocably lost. In the meantime nothing is mine any 02:0083,00[A ]| more, according to$4$ my definition, if I remember rightly, except 02:0083,00[A ]| my exercise-book, my lead and the French pencil, assuming 02:0083,00[A ]| it really exists. I did well to$9$ stop my inventory, it was a happy 02:0083,00[A ]| thought. I feel less weak, perhaps they fed me while I slept. 02:0083,00[A ]| I see the pot, the one that is not full, it is lost to$4$ me too. I shall 02:0083,00[A ]| doubtless be$1$ obliged to$9$ forget myself in the bed, as when I was 02:0083,00[A ]| a baby. At least I shall not be$1$ skelped. But enough about me. 02:0083,00[A ]| You would think I was relieved to$9$ be$1$ without my stick. I think 02:0083,00[A ]| I know how I might retrieve it. But something occurs to$4$ me. 02:0083,00[A ]| Are they depriving me of soup on purpose to$9$ help me die? One 02:0083,00[A ]| judges people too hastily. But in that case why feed me during 02:0084,00[A ]| my sleep? But there is no proof they have. But if they wished 02:0084,00[A ]| to$9$ help me would it not be$1$ more intelligent to$9$ give me poisoned 02:0084,00[A ]| soup, large quantities of poisoned soup? Perhaps they fear 02:0084,00[A ]| a autopsy. It is obvious they see a long way ahead. That reminds 02:0084,00[A ]| me that among my possessions I once had a little phial, 02:0084,00[A ]| unlabelled, containing pills. Laxatives? Sedatives? I forget. To$9$ 02:0084,00[A ]| turn to$4$ them for calm and merely obtain a diarrhoea, my, that 02:0084,00[A ]| would be$1$ annoying. In any case the question does not arise I 02:0084,00[A ]| am calm, insufficiently, I still lack a little calm. But enough about 02:0084,00[A ]| me. I will see if there is anything in my little idea, I mean how to$9$ 02:0084,00[A ]| retrieve my stick. The fact is I must be$1$ very weak. If there is, 02:0084,00[A ]| anything in it I mean, I shall try and get myself out of the bed, 02:0084,00[A ]| for a start. If not I do not know what I shall do$1$. Go and see how 02:0084,00[A ]| Macmann is getting on perhaps. I have always that resource. 02:0084,00[A ]| Why this need of activity? I am growing nervous. 02:0084,00[A ]| 02:0084,00@@@@@| 02:0084,00[A ]| One day, much later, to$9$ judge by his appearance, Macmann 02:0084,00[A ]| came to$5$ again, once again, in a kind of asylum. At first he did 02:0084,00[A ]| not know it was one, being plunged within it, but he was told 02:0084,00[A ]| so as soon as he was in a condition to$9$ receive news. They said in 02:0084,00[A ]| substance, You are now in the House of Saint John of God, 02:0084,00[A ]| with the number one hundred and sixty-six. Fear nothing, you 02:0084,00[A ]| are among friends. Friends ! Well well. Take no thought for 02:0084,00[A ]| anything, it is we shall think and act for you, from now forward. 02:0084,00[A ]| We like it. Do not thank us therefore. In addition to$4$ the nourishment 02:0084,00[A ]| carefully calculated to$9$ keep you alive, and even well, you 02:0084,00[A ]| will receive, every Saturday, in honour of our patron, a imperial 02:0084,00[A ]| half-pint of porter and a plug of tobacco. Then followed 02:0084,00[A ]| instructions regarding his duties and prerogatives, for he was 02:0084,00[A ]| credited with a certain number of prerogatives, notwithstanding 02:0084,00[A ]| the bounties showered upon him. Stunned by this torrent of 02:0084,00[A ]| civility, for he had eluded charity all his days, Macmann did 02:0084,00[A ]| not immediately grasp that he was being spoken to. The room, 02:0084,00[A ]| or cell, in which he lay, was thronged with men and women 02:0084,00[A ]| dressed in white. They swarmed about his bed, those in the rear 02:0085,00[A ]| rising on tiptoe and craning their necks to$9$ get a better view of 02:0085,00[A ]| him. The speaker was a man, naturally, in the flower and the 02:0085,00[A ]| prime of life, his features stamped with mildness and severity in 02:0085,00[A ]| equal proportions, and he wore a scraggy beard no doubt intended 02:0085,00[A ]| to$9$ heighten his resemblance to$4$ the Messiah. To$9$ tell the 02:0085,00[A ]| truth, yet again, he did not so much read as improvise, or recite, 02:0085,00[A ]| to$9$ judge by the paper he held in his hand and on which from 02:0085,00[A ]| time to$4$ time he cast a anxious eye. He finally handed this paper 02:0085,00[A ]| to$4$ Macmann, together with the stump of a indelible pencil, 02:0085,00[A ]| the point of which he first wetted with his lips, and requested 02:0085,00[A ]| him to$9$ sign, adding that it was a mere formality. And when 02:0085,00[A ]| Macmann had obeyed, either because he was afraid of being 02:0085,00[A ]| punished if he refused or because he did not realize the seriousness 02:0085,00[A ]| of what he was doing, the other took back the paper, examined 02:0085,00[A ]| it and said, Mac what? It was then a woman's voice, 02:0085,00[A ]| extraordinarily shrill and unpleasant, was heard to$9$ say$1$, Mann, 02:0085,00[A ]| his name is Macmann. This woman was standing behind him, so 02:0085,00[A ]| that he could not see her$6$, and in each hand she clutched a bar 02:0085,00[A ]| of the bed. Who are you? said the speaker. Someone replied, 02:0085,00[A ]| But it is Moll, can not you see, her$2$ name is Moll. The speaker turned 02:0085,00[A ]| towards this informant, glared at him for a moment, then 02:0085,00[A ]| dropped his eyes. To$9$ be$1$ sure, he said, to$9$ be$1$ sure, I am out of 02:0085,00[A ]| sorts. He added, after a pause, Nice name, without its being 02:0085,00[A ]| quite clear whether this little tribute was aimed at the nice 02:0085,00[A ]| name of Moll or at the nice name of Macmann. Do not push, 02:0085,00[A ]| for Jesus sake! he said, irritably. Then, suddenly turning, he 02:0085,00[A ]| cried, What in God's name are you all pushing for for Christ 02:0085,00[A ]| sake? And indeed the room was filling more and more, under 02:0085,00[A ]| the influx of fresh spectators. Personally I am going, said the 02:0085,00[A ]| speaker. Then all retreated, in great jostle and disorder, each 02:0085,00[A ]| one striving to$9$ be$1$ first out through the door, with the sole exception 02:0085,00[A ]| of Moll, who did not stir. But when all were gone she 02:0085,00[A ]| went to$4$ the door and shut it, then came back and sat down on 02:0085,00[A ]| a chair by the bed. She was a little old woman, immoderately 02:0085,00[A ]| ill-favored of both face and body. She seems called on to$9$ play 02:0085,00[A ]| a certain part in the remarkable events which, I hope, will 02:0086,01[A ]| enable me to$9$ make a end. The thin yellow arms contorted by 02:0086,00[A ]| some kind of bone deformation, the lips so broad and thick 02:0086,00[A ]| that they seemed to$9$ devour half the face, were at first sight her$2$ 02:0086,00[A ]| most revolting features. She wore by way of ear-rings two long 02:0086,00[A ]| ivory crucifixes which swayed wildly at the least movement of 02:0086,00[A ]| her$2$ head. 02:0086,00[A ]| 02:0086,00[A ]| I pause to$9$ record that I feel in extraordinary form. Delirium 02:0086,00[A ]| perhaps. 02:0086,00[A ]| 02:0086,00[A ]| It seemed probable to$4$ Macmann that he was committed to$4$ 02:0086,00[A ]| the care and charge of this person. Correct. For it had been 02:0086,00[A ]| decreed, by those in authority, that one hundred and sixty-six 02:0086,00[A ]| was Moll's, she having applied for him, formally. She brought 02:0086,00[A ]| him food (one large dish daily, to$9$ eat first hot, then cold), 02:0086,00[A ]| emptied his chamber-pot every morning first thing and showed 02:0086,00[A ]| him how to$9$ wash himself, his face and hands every day, and 02:0086,00[A ]| the other parts of the body successively in the course of the 02:0086,00[A ]| week, Monday the feet, Tuesday the legs up to$4$ the knees, 02:0086,00[A ]| Wednesday the thighs, and so on, culminating on Sunday with 02:0086,00[A ]| the neck and ears, no, Sunday he rested from washing. She swept 02:0086,00[A ]| the floor, shook up the bed from time to$4$ time and seemed to$9$ 02:0086,00[A ]| take a extreme pleasure in polishing until they shone the 02:0086,00[A ]| frosted lights of the unique window, which was never opened 02:0086,00[A ]| She informed Macmann, when he did something, if that thing 02:0086,00[A ]| was permitted or not, and similarly, when he remained inert, 02:0086,00[A ]| whether or not he was entitled to$9$. Does this mean that she 02:0086,00[A ]| stayed with him all the time? Why no, and no doubt she had 02:0086,00[A ]| other attentions to$9$ bestow elsewhere, and other instructions to$9$ 02:0086,00[A ]| give. But in the early stages, before he had grown used to$4$ this 02:0086,00[A ]| new tide in his fortune, she assuredly left him alone as little as 02:0086,00[A ]| possible and even watched over him part of the night. How 02:0086,00[A ]| understanding she was, and how good-natured, appears from 02:0086,00[A ]| the following anecdote. One day, not long after his admission, 02:0086,00[A ]| Macmann realized he was wearing, instead of his usual accoutrement, 02:0086,36[A ]| a long loose smock of coarse linen, or possibly 02:0087,01[A ]| drugget. He at once began to$9$ clamour loudly for his clothes, 02:0087,00[A ]| including probably the contents of his pockets, for he cried, 02:0087,00[A ]| My things! My things!, over and over again, tossing about in 02:0087,00[A ]| the bed and beating the blanket with his palms. Then Moll sat 02:0087,00[A ]| down on the edge of the bed and distributed her$2$ hands as follows, 02:0087,00[A ]| one on top of one of Macmann's, the other on his brow. 02:0087,00[A ]| She was so small that her$2$ feet did not reach to$4$ the floor. When 02:0087,00[A ]| he was a little calmer she told him that his clothes had certainly 02:0087,00[A ]| ceased to$9$ exist and could not therefore be$1$ returned to$4$ 02:0087,00[A ]| him. With regard to$4$ the objects found in the pockets, they had 02:0087,00[A ]| been assessed as quite worthless and fit only to$9$ be$1$ thrown away 02:0087,00[A ]| with the exception of a little silver knife-rest which he could 02:0087,00[A ]| have$1$ back at any time. But these declarations so distressed him 02:0087,00[A ]| that she hastened to$9$ add, with a laugh, that she was only joking 02:0087,00[A ]| and that in reality his clothes, cleaned, pressed, mended, strewn 02:0087,00[A ]| with mothballs and folded away in a cardboard box bearing 02:0087,00[A ]| his name and number, were as safe as if they had been received 02:0087,00[A ]| in deposit by the Bank of England. But as Macmann continued 02:0087,00[A ]| vehemently to$9$ demand his things, as if he did not understand 02:0087,00[A ]| a word of what she had just told him, she was obliged to$9$ invoke 02:0087,00[A ]| the regulations which tolerated on no account that a inmate 02:0087,00[A ]| should resume contact with the trappings of his derelict days 02:0087,00[A ]| until such time as he might be$1$ discharged. But as Macmann 02:0087,00[A ]| continued passionately to$9$ clamour for his things, and notably for 02:0087,00[A ]| his hat, she left him, saying he was not reasonable. And she 02:0087,00[A ]| came back a little later, holding with the tips of her$2$ fingers the 02:0087,00[A ]| hat in question, retrieved perhaps from the rubbish-heap at the 02:0087,00[A ]| end of the vegetable-garden, for to$9$ know everything takes too 02:0087,00[A ]| long, for it was fringed with manure and seemed to$9$ be$1$ rotting 02:0087,00[A ]| away. And what is more she suffered him to$9$ put it on, and even 02:0087,00[A ]| helped him to$9$ do$1$ so, helping him to$9$ sit up in the bed and arranging 02:0087,00[A ]| his pillows in such a way that he might remain propped 02:0087,00[A ]| up without fatigue. And she contemplated with tenderness the 02:0087,00[A ]| old bewildered face relaxing, and in its tod of hair the mouth 02:0087,00[A ]| trying to$9$ smile, and the little red eyes turning timidly towards 02:0087,00[A ]| her$6$ as if in gratitude or rolling towards the recovered hat, and 02:0088,00[A ]| the hands raised to$9$ set it on more firmly and returning to$4$ rest 02:0088,00[A ]| trembling on the blanket. And at last a long look passed between 02:0088,00[A ]| them and Moll's lips puffed and parted in a dreadful smile, 02:0088,00[A ]| which made Macmann's eyes waver like those of a animal 02:0088,00[A ]| glared on by its master and compelled then finally to$9$ look away. 02:0088,00[A ]| End of anecdote. This must be$1$ the selfsame hat that was abandoned 02:0088,00[A ]| in the middle of the plain, its resemblance to$4$ it is so 02:0088,00[A ]| great, allowance being made for the additional wear and tear. 02:0088,00[A ]| Can it be$1$ then that it is not the same Macmann at all, after all, 02:0088,00[A ]| in spite of the great resemblance (for those who know the power 02:0088,00[A ]| of the passing years), both physical and otherwise. It is true 02:0088,00[A ]| the Macmanns are legion in the island and pride themselves, 02:0088,00[A ]| what is more, with few exceptions, on having one and all, in 02:0088,00[A ]| the last analysis, sprung from the same illustrious ball. It is 02:0088,00[A ]| therefore inevitable they should resemble one another, now 02:0088,00[A ]| and then, to$4$ the point of being confused even in the minds of 02:0088,00[A ]| those who wish them well and would like nothing better than to$9$ 02:0088,00[A ]| tell between them. No matter, any old remains of flesh and spirit 02:0088,00[A ]| do, there is no sense in stalking people. So long as it is what is 02:0088,00[A ]| called a living being you can not go wrong, you have the guilty 02:0088,00[A ]| one. For a long time he did not stir from his bed, not knowing 02:0088,00[A ]| if he could walk, or even stand, and fearing to$9$ run foul of the 02:0088,00[A ]| authorities, if he could. Let us then first consider this first phase 02:0088,00[A ]| of Macmann's stay in the House of Saint John of God. We shall 02:0088,00[A ]| then pass on to$4$ the second, and even to$4$ the third, if necessary. 02:0088,00[A ]| 02:0088,00[A ]| A thousand little things to$9$ report, very strange, in view of 02:0088,00[A ]| my situation, if I interpret them correctly. But my notes have 02:0088,00[A ]| a curious tendency, as I realize at last, to$9$ annihilate all they 02:0088,00[A ]| purport to$9$ record. So I hasten to$9$ turn aside from this extraordinary 02:0088,00[A ]| heat, to$9$ mention only it, which has seized on certain parts 02:0088,00[A ]| of my economy, I will not specify which. And to$9$ think I was 02:0088,00[A ]| expecting rather to$9$ grow cold, if anything! 02:0088,00@@@@@| 02:0088,00[A ]| This first phase, that of the bed, was characterized by the 02:0088,00[A ]| evolution of the relationship between Macmann and his keeper. 02:0089,00[A ]| There sprang up gradually between them a kind of intimacy 02:0089,00[A ]| which, at a given moment, led them to$9$ lie together and copulate 02:0089,00[A ]| as best they could. For given their age and scant experience of 02:0089,00[A ]| carnal love, it was only natural they should not succeed, at the 02:0089,00[A ]| first shot, in giving each other the impression they were made 02:0089,00[A ]| for each other. The spectacle was then offered of Macmann trying 02:0089,00[A ]| to$9$ bundle his sex into his partner's like a pillow into a 02:0089,00[A ]| pillow-slip, folding it in two and stuffing it in with his fingers. 02:0089,00[A ]| But far from losing heart they warmed to$4$ their work. And though 02:0089,00[A ]| both were completely impotent they finally succeeded, summoning 02:0089,00[A ]| to$4$ their aid all the resources of the skin, the mucus and 02:0089,00[A ]| the imagination, in striking from their dry and feeble clips a 02:0089,00[A ]| kind of sombre gratification. So that Moll exclaimed, being 02:0089,00[A ]| (at that stage) the more expansive of the two, Oh would we had 02:0089,00[A ]| but met sixty years ago! But on the long road to$4$ this what flutterings, 02:0089,00[A ]| alarms and bashful fumblings, of which only this, that 02:0089,00[A ]| they gave Macmann some insight into the meaning of the expression, 02:0089,00[A ]| Two is company. He then made unquestionable progress 02:0089,00[A ]| in the use of the spoken word and learnt in a short time to$9$ let 02:0089,00[A ]| fall, at the right time, the yesses, noes, mores and enoughs that 02:0089,00[A ]| keep love alive. It was also the occasion of his penetrating into 02:0089,00[A ]| the enchanted world of reading, thanks to$4$ the inflammatory 02:0089,00[A ]| letters which Moll brought and put into his hands. And the 02:0089,00[A ]| memories of school are so tenacious, for those who have been 02:0089,00[A ]| there, that he was soon able to$9$ dispense with the explanations of 02:0089,00[A ]| his correspondent and understand all unaided, holding the sheet 02:0089,00[A ]| of paper as far from his eyes as his arms permitted. While he 02:0089,00[A ]| read Moll held a little aloof, with downcast eyes, saying to$4$ 02:0089,00[A ]| herself, Now he is at the part where, and a little later, Now he is 02:0089,00[A ]| at the part where, and so remained until the rustle of the sheet 02:0089,00[A ]| going back into the envelope announced that he had finished. 02:0089,00[A ]| Then she turned eagerly towards him, in time to$9$ see him raise 02:0089,00[A ]| the letter to$4$ his lips or press it against his heart, another reminiscence 02:0089,00[A ]| of the fourth form. Then he gave it back to$4$ her$6$ and she 02:0089,00[A ]| put it under his pillow with the others there already, arranged in 02:0089,00[A ]| chronological order and tied together by a favor. These letters 02:0090,00[A ]| did not much vary in form and tenor, which greatly facilitated 02:0090,00[A ]| matters for Macmann. Example. Sweetheart, Not one day goes 02:0090,00[A ]| by that I do not give thanks to$4$ God, on my bended knees, for 02:0090,00[A ]| having found you, before I die. For we shall soon die, you and 02:0090,00[A ]| I, that is obvious. That it may be$1$ at the same moment exactly 02:0090,00[A ]| is all I ask. In any case I have the key of the medicine cupboard. 02:0090,00[A ]| But let us profit first by this superb sundown, after the long day 02:0090,00[A ]| of storm. Are you not of this opinion? Sweetheart! Ah would we 02:0090,00[A ]| had met but seventy years ago! No, all is for the best, we shall 02:0090,00[A ]| not have$1$ time to$9$ grow to$9$ loathe each other, to$9$ see our youth 02:0090,00[A ]| slip by, to$9$ recall with nausea the ancient rapture, to$9$ seek in the 02:0090,00[A ]| company of third parties, you on the one hand, I on the other, 02:0090,00[A ]| that which together we can no longer compass, in a word to$9$ get 02:0090,00[A ]| to$9$ know each other. One must look things in the face, must one 02:0090,00[A ]| not, sweet pet? When you hold me in your arms, and I you in 02:0090,00[A ]| mine, it naturally does not amount to$4$ much, compared to$4$ the 02:0090,00[A ]| transports of youth, and even middle age. But all is relative, let 02:0090,00[A ]| us bear that in mind, stags and hinds have their needs and we 02:0090,00[A ]| have ours. It is even astonishing that you manage so well, I 02:0090,00[A ]| can hardly get over it, what a chaste and sober life you must 02:0090,00[A ]| have$1$ led. I too, you must have$1$ noticed it. Consider moreover that 02:0090,00[A ]| the flesh is not the end-all and the be-all, especially at our age, 02:0090,00[A ]| and name me the lovers who can do$1$ with their eyes what we 02:0090,00[A ]| can do$1$ with ours, which will soon have$1$ seen all there is for them 02:0090,00[A ]| to$9$ see and have often great difficulty in remaining open, and 02:0090,00[A ]| with their tenderness, without the help of passion, what by this 02:0090,00[A ]| means alone we realize daily, when separated by our respective 02:0090,00[A ]| obligations. Consider furthermore, since there is nothing more 02:0090,00[A ]| for us to$9$ hide, that I was never beautiful or well-proportioned, 02:0090,00[A ]| but ugly and even misshapen, to$9$ judge by the testimonies I have 02:0090,00[A ]| received. Papa notably used to$9$ say$1$ that people would run a mile 02:0090,00[A ]| from me, I have not forgotten the expression. And you, sweet, 02:0090,00[A ]| even when you were of a age to$9$ quicken the pulse of beauty, 02:0090,00[A ]| did you exhibit the other requisites? I doubt it. But with the 02:0090,00[A ]| passing of the years we have become scarcely less hideous than 02:0090,00[A ]| even our best favored contemporaries and you, in particular, 02:0091,00[A ]| have kept your hair. And thanks to$4$ our having never served, 02:0091,00[A ]| never understood, we are not without freshness and innocence, 02:0091,00[A ]| it seems to$4$ me. Moral, for us at last it is the season of love, let 02:0091,00[A ]| us make the most of it, there are pears that only ripen in December. 02:0091,00[A ]| Do not fret about our methods, leave all that to$4$ me, 02:0091,00[A ]| and I warrant you we will surprise each other yet. With regard 02:0091,00[A ]| to$4$ tetty-beshy I must beg to$9$ differ, it is well worth persevering 02:0091,00[A ]| with, in my opinion. Follow my instructions, you will come back 02:0091,00[A ]| for more. For shame, you dirty old man! It is all these bones 02:0091,00[A ]| that makes it awkward, that I grant you. Well, we must just 02:0091,00[A ]| accept ourselves as we are. And above all not fret, these are 02:0091,00[A ]| trifles. Let us think of the hours when, spent, we lie twined together 02:0091,00[A ]| in the dark, our hearts laboring as one, and listen to$4$ the 02:0091,00[A ]| wind saying what it is to$9$ be$1$ abroad, at night, in winter, and 02:0091,00[A ]| what it is to$9$ have$1$ been what we have been, and sink together, 02:0091,00[A ]| in a unhappiness that has no name. That is how we must look 02:0091,00[A ]| at things. So courage, my sweet old hairy Mac, and oyster kisses 02:0091,00[A ]| just where you think from your own Sucky Moll. P.S. I enquired 02:0091,00[A ]| about the oysters, I have hopes. Such was the rather rambling 02:0091,00[A ]| style of the declarations which Moll, despairing no doubt of 02:0091,00[A ]| giving vent to$4$ her$2$ feelings by the normal channels, addressed 02:0091,00[A ]| three or four times a week to$4$ Macmann, who never answered, 02:0091,00[A ]| I mean in writing, but manifested by every other means in his 02:0091,00[A ]| power how pleased he was to$9$ receive them. But towards the 02:0091,00[A ]| close of this idyll, that is to$9$ say$1$ when it was too late, he began 02:0091,00[A ]| to$9$ compose brief rimes of curious structure, to$9$ offer to$4$ his mistress, 02:0091,00[A ]| for he felt she was drifting away from him. Example. 02:0091,00[A ]| 02:0091,00[A ]| 02:0091,00[A ]| \Hairy Mac and Sucky Molly\ 02:0091,00[A ]| \In the ending days and nights\ 02:0091,00[A ]| \Of unending melancholy\ 02:0091,00[A ]| \Love it is at last unites.\ 02:0091,00[A ]| 02:0091,00[A ]| 02:0091,36[A ]| Other example. 02:0092,01[A ]| \To$4$ the lifelong promised land\ 02:0092,00[A ]| \Of the nearest cemetery\ 02:0092,00[A ]| \With his Sucky hand in hand\ 02:0092,00[A ]| \Love it is at last leads Hairy.\ 02:0092,00[A ]| 02:0092,00[A ]| He had time to$9$ compose ten or twelve more or less in this 02:0092,00[A ]| vein, all remarkable for their exaltation of love regarded as a 02:0092,00[A ]| kind of lethal glue, a conception frequently to$9$ be$1$ met with in 02:0092,00[A ]| mystic texts. And it is extraordinary that Macmann should have$1$ 02:0092,00[A ]| succeeded, in so short a time and after such inauspicious beginnings, 02:0092,00[A ]| in elevating himself to$4$ a view of this altitude. And one 02:0092,00[A ]| can only speculate on what he might have$1$ achieved if he had 02:0092,00[A ]| become acquainted with true sexuality at a less advanced age. 02:0092,00[A ]| 02:0092,00[A ]| I am lost. Not a word. 02:0092,00[A ]| 02:0092,00[A ]| Inauspicious beginnings indeed, during which his feeling 02:0092,00[A ]| for Moll was frankly one of repugnance. Her$2$ lips in particular 02:0092,00[A ]| repelled him, those selfsame lips, or so little changed as to$9$ make 02:0092,00[A ]| no matter, that some months later he was to$9$ suck with grunts of 02:0092,00[A ]| pleasure, so that at the very sight of them he not only closed 02:0092,00[A ]| his eyes, but covered them with his hands for greater safety. 02:0092,00[A ]| She it was therefore who at this period exerted herself in tireless 02:0092,00[A ]| ardours, which may serve to$9$ explain why she seemed to$9$ 02:0092,00[A ]| weaken in the end and stand in her$2$ turn in need of stimulation. 02:0092,00[A ]| Unless it was simply a question of health. Which does not exclude 02:0092,00[A ]| a third hypothesis, namely that Moll, having finally 02:0092,00[A ]| decided that she had been mistaken in Macmann and that he 02:0092,00[A ]| was not the man she had taken him for, sought a means of putting 02:0092,00[A ]| a end to$4$ their intercourse, but gently, in order not to$9$ give 02:0092,00[A ]| him a shock. Unfortunately our concern here is not with Moll, 02:0092,00[A ]| who after all is only a female, but with Macmann, and not 02:0092,00[A ]| with the close of their relations, but rather with the beginning. 02:0092,00[A ]| Of the brief period of plenitude between these two extremes, 02:0092,00[A ]| when between the warming up of the one party and the cooling 02:0092,00[A ]| down of the other there was established a fleeting equality of 02:0093,00[A ]| temperature, no further mention will be$1$ made. For if it is indispensable 02:0093,00[A ]| to$9$ have$1$ in order not to$9$ have$1$ had and in order to$9$ have$1$ 02:0093,00[A ]| no longer, there is no obligation to$9$ expatiate upon it. But let 02:0093,00[A ]| us rather let events speak for themselves, that is more or less 02:0093,00[A ]| the right tone. Example. One day, just as Macmann was getting 02:0093,00[A ]| used to$4$ being loved, though without as yet responding as he 02:0093,00[A ]| was subsequently to$9$ do$1$, he thrust Moll's face away from his 02:0093,00[A ]| on the pretext of examining her$2$ ear-rings. But as she made to$9$ 02:0093,00[A ]| return to$4$ the charge he checked her$6$ again with the first words 02:0093,00[A ]| that came into his head, namely, Why two Christs?, implying 02:0093,00[A ]| that in his opinion one was more than sufficient. To$4$ which she 02:0093,00[A ]| made the absurd reply, Why two ears? But she obtained his 02:0093,00[A ]| forgiveness a moment later, saying, with a smile (she smiled at 02:0093,00[A ]| the least thing), Besides they are the thieves, Christ is in my 02:0093,00[A ]| mouth. Then parting her$2$ jaws and pulling down her$2$ blobber-lip 02:0093,00[A ]| she discovered, breaking with its solitary fang the monotomy 02:0093,00[A ]| of the gums, a long yellow canine bared to$4$ the roots and carved, 02:0093,00[A ]| with the drill probably, to$9$ represent the celebrated sacrifice. 02:0093,00[A ]| With the forefinger of her$2$ free hand she fingered it. It is loose, 02:0093,00[A ]| she said, one of these fine mornings I will wake up and find I have 02:0093,00[A ]| swallowed it, perhaps I should have$1$ it out. She let go her$2$ lip, 02:0093,00[A ]| which sprang back into place with a smack. This incident made 02:0093,00[A ]| a strong impression on Macmann and Moll rose with a bound 02:0093,00[A ]| in his affections. And in the pleasure he was later to$9$ enjoy, when 02:0093,00[A ]| he put his tongue in her$2$ mouth and let it wander over her$2$ gums, 02:0093,00[A ]| this rotten crucifix had assuredly its part. But from these harmless 02:0093,00[A ]| aids what love is free? Sometimes it is a object, a garter 02:0093,00[A ]| I believe or a sweat-absorber for the armpit. And sometimes 02:0093,00[A ]| it is the simple image of a third party. A few words in conclusion 02:0093,00[A ]| on the decline of this liaison. No. I can not. 02:0093,00[A ]| 02:0093,00[A ]| 02:0093,00[A ]| Weary with my weariness, white last moon, sole regret, not 02:0093,00[A ]| even. To$9$ be$1$ dead, before her$6$, on her$6$, with her$6$, and turn, dead 02:0093,00[A ]| on dead, about poor mankind, and never have to$9$ die any more, 02:0093,00[A ]| from among the living. Not even, not even that. My moon was 02:0094,00[A ]| here below, far below, the little I was able to$9$ desire. And one 02:0094,00[A ]| day, soon, soon, one earthlit night, beneath the earth, a dying 02:0094,00[A ]| being will say$1$, like me, in the earthlight, Not even, not even that, 02:0094,00[A ]| and die, without having been able to$9$ find a regret. 02:0094,00@@@@@| 02:0094,00[A ]| Moll. I am going to$9$ kill her$6$. She continued to$9$ look after Macmann, 02:0094,00[A ]| but she was no longer the same. When she had finished 02:0094,00[A ]| cleaning up she sat down on a chair, in the middle of the room, 02:0094,00[A ]| and remained without stirring. If he called her$6$ she went and 02:0094,00[A ]| perched on the edge of the bed and even submitted to$9$ be$1$ titillated. 02:0094,00[A ]| But it was obvious her$2$ thoughts were elsewhere and her$2$ 02:0094,00[A ]| only wish to$9$ return to$4$ her$2$ chair and resume the now familiar 02:0094,00[A ]| gesture of massaging her$2$ stomach, slowly, weighing on it with 02:0094,00[A ]| her$2$ two hands. She was also beginning to$9$ smell. She had never 02:0094,00[A ]| smelt sweet, but between not smelling sweet and giving off the 02:0094,00[A ]| smell she was giving off now there is a gulf. She was also subject 02:0094,00[A ]| to$4$ fits of vomiting. Turning away, so that her$2$ lover should 02:0094,00[A ]| only see her$2$ convulsive back, she vomited at length on the floor. 02:0094,00[A ]| And these dejections remained sometimes for hours where they 02:0094,00[A ]| fell, until such time as she had the strength to$9$ go and fetch 02:0094,00[A ]| what was needed to$9$ clean up the mess. Half a century younger 02:0094,00[A ]| she might have$1$ been taken for pregnant. At the same time her$2$ 02:0094,00[A ]| hair began to$9$ fall out in abundance and she confessed to$4$ Macmann 02:0094,00[A ]| that she did not dare comb it any more, for fear of making 02:0094,00[A ]| it fall out even faster. He said to$4$ himself with satisfaction, She 02:0094,00[A ]| tells me everything. But these were small things compared to$4$ 02:0094,00[A ]| the change in her$2$ complexion, now rapidly turning from yellow 02:0094,00[A ]| to$4$ saffron. The sight of her$6$ so diminished did not damp Macmann's 02:0094,00[A ]| desire to$9$ take her$6$, all stinking, yellow, bald and vomiting, 02:0094,00[A ]| in his arms. And he would certainly have$1$ done so had she not 02:0094,00[A ]| been opposed to$4$ it. One can understand him (her$6$ too). For 02:0094,00[A ]| when one has within reach the one and only love requited of 02:0094,00[A ]| a life so monstrously prolonged, it is natural one should wish to$9$ 02:0094,00[A ]| profit by it, before it is. too late, and refuse to$9$ be$1$ deterred by 02:0094,00[A ]| feelings of squeamishness excusable in the faint-hearted, but 02:0094,00[A ]| which true love disdains. And though all pointed to$4$ Moll's being 02:0095,00[A ]| out of sorts, Macmann could not help interpreting her$2$ attitude 02:0095,00[A ]| as a falling off of her$2$ affection for him. And perhaps indeed 02:0095,00[A ]| there was something of that too. At all events the more she 02:0095,00[A ]| declined the more Macmann longed to$9$ crush her$6$ to$4$ his breast, 02:0095,00[A ]| which is at least sufficiently curious and unusual to$9$ deserve of 02:0095,00[A ]| mention. And when she turned and looked at him (and from 02:0095,00[A ]| time to$4$ time she did so still), with eyes in which he fancied he 02:0095,00[A ]| could read boundless regret and love, then a kind of frenzy 02:0095,00[A ]| seized upon him and he began to$9$ belabor with his fists his 02:0095,00[A ]| chest, his head and even the mattress, writhing and crying out, 02:0095,00[A ]| in the hope perhaps she would take pity on him and come and 02:0095,00[A ]| comfort him and dry his tears, as on the day when he had 02:0095,00[A ]| demanded his hat. No, it was not that, it was without malice he 02:0095,00[A ]| cried, writhed and beat his breast, for she made no attempt to$9$ 02:0095,00[A ]| stop him and even left the room if it went on too long for her$2$ 02:0095,00[A ]| liking. Then, all alone and unobserved, he continued to$9$ behave 02:0095,00[A ]| as if beside himself, which is proof positive, is it not, that he 02:0095,00[A ]| was disinterested, unless of course he suspected her$6$ of having 02:0095,00[A ]| stopped outside the door to$9$ listen. And when he grew calm 02:0095,00[A ]| again at last he mourned the long immunity he had lost, from 02:0095,00[A ]| shelter, charity and human tenderness. And he even carried his 02:0095,00[A ]| inconsequence to$4$ the length of wondering what right anyone had 02:0095,00[A ]| to$9$ take care of him. In a word most evil days, for Macmann. 02:0095,00[A ]| For Moll too probably, naturally, admittedly. It was at this 02:0095,00[A ]| time she lost her$2$ tooth. It fell unaided from the socket, happily 02:0095,00[A ]| in the daytime, so that she was able to$9$ recover it and put it 02:0095,00[A ]| away in a safe place. Macmann said to$4$ himself, when she told 02:0095,00[A ]| him, There was a time she would have$1$ made me a present of it, 02:0095,00[A ]| or at least shown it to$4$ me. But a little later he said, firstly, To$9$ 02:0095,00[A ]| have$1$ told me, when she need not have$1$, is a mark of confidence 02:0095,00[A ]| and affection, and secondly, But I would have$1$ known in any 02:0095,00[A ]| case, when she opened her$2$ mouth to$9$ speak or smile, and finally, 02:0095,00[A ]| But she does not speak or smile any more. One morning early 02:0095,00[A ]| a man whom he had never seen came and told him that Moll 02:0095,00[A ]| was dead. There is one out of the way at least. My name is 02:0095,36[A ]| Lemuel, he said, though my parents were probably Aryan, and 02:0096,01[A ]| it is in my charge you are from now on. Here is your porridge. 02:0096,02[A ]| Eat while it is boiling. 02:0096,00[A ]| 02:0096,00[A ]| A last effort. Lemuel gave the impression of being slightly 02:0096,00[A ]| more stupid than malevolent, and yet his malevolence was considerable. 02:0096,00[A ]| When Macmann, more and more disturbed by his 02:0096,00[A ]| situation apparently and what is more now capable of isolating 02:0096,00[A ]| and expressing well enough to$9$ be$1$ understood a little of the little 02:0096,00[A ]| that passed through his mind, when Macmann I say asked a 02:0096,00[A ]| question it was seldom he got a immediate answer. When asked 02:0096,00[A ]| for example to$9$ state whether Saint John of Gods was a private 02:0096,00[A ]| institution or run by the State, a hospice for the aged and infirm 02:0096,00[A ]| or a madhouse, if once in one might entertain the hope of one 02:0096,00[A ]| day getting out and, in the affirmative, by means of what steps, 02:0096,00[A ]| Lemuel remained for a long time plunged in thought, sometimes 02:0096,00[A ]| for as long as ten minutes or a quarter of a hour, motionless 02:0096,00[A ]| or if you prefer scratching his head or his armpit, as if 02:0096,00[A ]| such questions had never crossed his mind, or possibly thinking 02:0096,00[A ]| about something quite different. And if Macmann, growing 02:0096,00[A ]| impatient or perhaps feeling he had not made himself clear, 02:0096,00[A ]| ventured to$9$ try again, a imperious gesture bid him be$1$ silent. 02:0096,00[A ]| Such was this Lemuel, viewed from a certain angle. Or he cried, 02:0096,00[A ]| stamping the ground with indescribable nervousness, Let me 02:0096,00[A ]| think, you shite ! It usually ended by his saying he did not 02:0096,00[A ]| know. But he was subject to$4$ almost hypomaniacal fits of good-humor. 02:0096,00[A ]| Then he would add, But I will enquire. And taking out a 02:0096,00[A ]| note-book as fat as a ship's log he made note, murmuring, Private 02:0096,00[A ]| or state, mad or like me, how out, etc. Macmann could then be$1$ 02:0096,00[A ]| sure he would never hear any more about it. May I get up? 02:0096,00[A ]| he said one day. Already in Moll's lifetime he had expressed 02:0096,00[A ]| the wish to$9$ get up and go out into the fresh air, but timidly, 02:0096,00[A ]| as when one asks for the moon. And he had then been told that 02:0096,00[A ]| if he was good he might indeed be$1$ let up one day, and out into 02:0096,00[A ]| the pure plateau air, and that on that day, in the great hall 02:0096,00[A ]| where the staff assembled at dawn before entering on their 02:0096,36[A ]| duties, there would be$1$ seen pinned on the board a note thus 02:0097,01[A ]| conceived, Let one hundred and sixty-six get up and go out. 02:0097,00[A ]| For when it came to$4$ the regulations Moll was inflexible and 02:0097,00[A ]| their voice was stronger than the voice of love, in her$2$ heart, 02:0097,00[A ]| whenever they made themselves heard there simultaneously. 02:0097,00[A ]| The oysters for example, which the Board had refused in a 02:0097,00[A ]| note calling her$2$ attention to$4$ the article whereby they were prohibited, 02:0097,00[A ]| but which she could easily have$1$ smuggled in, Macmann 02:0097,00[A ]| never saw sight or sign of the oysters. But Lemuel was made of 02:0097,00[A ]| sterner stuff, in this connection, and far from being a stickler 02:0097,00[A ]| for the statutes seemed to$9$ have$1$ little or no acquaintance with 02:0097,00[A ]| them. Indeed the question might have$1$ arisen, in the mind of 02:0097,00[A ]| one looking down upon the scene, as to$4$ whether he had all his 02:0097,00[A ]| wits about him. For when not rooted to$4$ the spot in a daze he 02:0097,00[A ]| was to$9$ be$1$ seen, with heavy, furious, reeling tread, stamping up 02:0097,00[A ]| and down for hours on end, gesticulating and ejaculating unintelligible 02:0097,00[A ]| words. Flayed alive by memory, his mind crawling 02:0097,00[A ]| with cobras, not daring to$9$ dream or think and powerless not to$9$, 02:0097,00[A ]| his cries were of two kinds, those having no other cause than 02:0097,00[A ]| moral anguish and those, similar in every respect, by means of 02:0097,00[A ]| which he hoped to$9$ forestall same. Physical pain, on the contrary, 02:0097,00[A ]| seemed to$9$ help him greatly. And one day rolling up the leg of 02:0097,00[A ]| his trousers, he showed Macmann his shin covered with bruises, 02:0097,00[A ]| scars and abrasions. Then producing smartly a hammer from a 02:0097,00[A ]| inner pocket he dealt himself, right in the middle of his ancient 02:0097,00[A ]| wounds, so violent a blow that he fell down backwards, or perhaps 02:0097,00[A ]| I should say$1$ forwards. But the part he struck most readily, 02:0097,00[A ]| with his hammer, was the head, and that is understandable, for 02:0097,00[A ]| it too is a bony part, and sensitive, and difficult to$9$ miss, and 02:0097,00[A ]| the seat of all the shit and misery, so you rain blows upon it, 02:0097,00[A ]| with more pleasure than on the leg for example, which never 02:0097,00[A ]| did you any harm, it is only human. Up! cried Macmann. Let 02:0097,00[A ]| me up ! Lemuel came to$4$ a standstill. What? he roared. Up ! 02:0097,00[A ]| cried Macmann. Let me up! Let me up! 02:0097,00[A ]| 02:0097,00[A ]| I have had a visit. Things were going too well. I had forgotten 02:0097,36[A ]| myself, lost myself. I exaggerate. Things were not going 02:0098,01[A ]| too badly. I was elsewhere. Another was suffering. Then I had 02:0098,00[A ]| the visit. To$9$ bring me back to$4$ dying. If that amuses them. The 02:0098,00[A ]| fact is they do not know, neither do I, but they think they know. 02:0098,00[A ]| a aeroplane passes, flying low, with a noise like thunder. It 02:0098,00[A ]| is a noise quite unlike thunder, one says thunder but one does 02:0098,00[A ]| not think it, it is just a loud, fleeting noise, nothing more, unlike 02:0098,00[A ]| any other. It is certainly the first time I have heard it here, 02:0098,00[A ]| to$4$ my knowledge. But I have heard aeroplanes elsewhere and 02:0098,00[A ]| have even seen them in flight, I saw the very first in flight and 02:0098,00[A ]| then in the end the latest models, oh not the very latest, the 02:0098,00[A ]| very second-latest, the very antepenultimate. I was present at 02:0098,00[A ]| one of the first loopings of the loop, so help me God. I was not 02:0098,00[A ]| afraid. It was above a racecourse, my mother held me by the 02:0098,00[A ]| hand. She kept saying, It is a miracle, a miracle. Then I changed 02:0098,00[A ]| my mind. We were not often of the same mind. One day we were 02:0098,00[A ]| walking along the road, up a hill of extraordinary steepness, 02:0098,00[A ]| near home I imagine, my memory is full of steep hills, I get 02:0098,00[A ]| them confused. I said, The sky is further away than you think, is 02:0098,00[A ]| it not, mama? It was without malice, I was simply thinking of all 02:0098,00[A ]| the leagues that separated me from it. She replied, to$4$ me her$2$ son, 02:0098,00[A ]| It is precisely as far away as it appears to$9$ be$1$. She was right. 02:0098,00[A ]| But at the time I was aghast. I can still see the spot, opposite 02:0098,00[A ]| Tyler's gate. A market-gardener, he had only one eye and wore 02:0098,00[A ]| side-whiskers. That is the idea, rattle on. You could see the sea, 02:0098,00[A ]| the islands, the headlands, the isthmuses, the coast stretching 02:0098,00[A ]| away to$4$ north and south and the crooked moles of the harbor. 02:0098,00[A ]| We were on our way home from the butcher's. My mother? Perhaps 02:0098,00[A ]| it is just another story, told me by some one who found it 02:0098,00[A ]| funny. The stories I was told, at one time! And all funny, not 02:0098,00[A ]| one not funny. In any case here I am back in the shit. The 02:0098,00[A ]| aeroplane, on the other hand, has just passed over at two hundred 02:0098,00[A ]| miles a hour perhaps. It is a good speed, for the present 02:0098,00[A ]| day. I am with it in spirit, naturally. All the things I was always 02:0098,00[A ]| with in spirit. In body no. Not such a fool. Here is the programme 02:0098,00[A ]| anyhow, the end of the programme. They think they can 02:0098,36[A ]| confuse me and make me lose sight of my programmes. Proper 02:0099,00[A ]| cunts whoever they are. Here it is. 02:0099,00@@@@@| 02:0099,00[A ]| Visit, various remarks, Macmann 02:0099,00[A ]| continued, agony recalled, Macmann continued, then 02:0099,00[A ]| mixture of Macmann and agony as long as possible. It does not 02:0099,00[A ]| depend on me, my lead is not inexhaustible, nor my exercise-book, 02:0099,00[A ]| nor Macmann, nor myself in spite of appearances. That 02:0099,00[A ]| all may be$1$ wiped out at the same instant is all I ask, for the 02:0099,00[A ]| moment. The visit. I felt a violent blow on the head. He had 02:0099,00[A ]| perhaps been there for some time. One does not care to$9$ be$1$ 02:0099,00[A ]| kept waiting for*ever, one draws attention to$4$ oneself as best 02:0099,00[A ]| one can, it is human. I do not doubt he gave me due warning, 02:0099,00[A ]| before he hit me. I do not know what he wanted. He has gone now. 02:0099,00[A ]| What a idea, all the same, to$9$ hit me on the head. The light has 02:0099,00[A ]| been queer ever since, oh I insinuate nothing, dim and at the 02:0099,00[A ]| same time radiant, perhaps I have concussion. His mouth opened, 02:0099,00[A ]| his lips worked, but I heard nothing. He might just as well have$1$ 02:0099,00[A ]| said nothing. And yet I am not deaf, witness the aeroplane, if 02:0099,00[A ]| I hear nothing it is because there is nothing to$9$ hear. But perhaps 02:0099,00[A ]| life has dulled my irritability to$4$ specifically human sounds. 02:0099,00[A ]| I myself for example make no sound, well well, can not go back 02:0099,00[A ]| on it now, no, not the tiniest. And yet I pant, cough, moan and 02:0099,00[A ]| gulp right up against my ear, I could swear to$4$ it. In other words 02:0099,00[A ]| I do not know to$4$ what I owe the honor. He seemed vexed. Must 02:0099,00[A ]| I describe him? Why not? He may be$1$ important. I had a clear 02:0099,00[A ]| view of him. Black suit of antiquated cut, or perhaps come back 02:0099,00[A ]| into the fashion, black tie, snow-white shirt, heavily starched 02:0099,00[A ]| clown's cuffs almost entirely covering the hands, oily black hair, 02:0099,00[A ]| a long, dismal, glabrous, floury face, sombre lacklustre eyes, 02:0099,00[A ]| medium height and build, block-hat pressed delicately to$4$ stomach 02:0099,00[A ]| with finger-tips, then without warning in a gesture of extraordinary 02:0099,00[A ]| suddenness and precision slapped on skull. A folding-rule, 02:0099,00[A ]| together with a fin of white handkerchief, emerged from the 02:0099,00[A ]| breast pocket. I took him at first for the undertaker's man, annoyed 02:0099,00[A ]| at having called prematurely. He remained some time, 02:0099,00[A ]| seven hours at least. Perhaps he hoped to$9$ have$1$ the satisfaction 02:0099,00[A ]| of seeing me expire before he left, that would probably have$1$ 02:0099,00[A ]| saved him time and trouble. For a moment I thought he was 02:0100,01[A ]| going to$9$ finish me off. What a hope, it would have$1$ been a crime. 02:0100,00[A ]| He must have$1$ left at six o'clock, his working day ended, The 02:0100,00[A ]| light is queer ever since. That is to$9$ say$1$ he went a first time, came 02:0100,00[A ]| back some hours later, then left for good. He must have$1$ been 02:0100,00[A ]| here from nine to$4$ twelve, then from two to$4$ six, now I have it. 02:0100,00[A ]| He kept looking at his watch, a turnip. Perhaps he will come 02:0100,00[A ]| back to-morrow. It was in the morning he hit me, about ten 02:0100,00[A ]| o'clock probably. In the afternoon he did not touch me, though 02:0100,00[A ]| I did not see him immediately, he was already in position when 02:0100,00[A ]| I saw him, standing beside the bed. I speak of morning and 02:0100,00[A ]| afternoon and of such and such a hour, if you simply must 02:0100,00[A ]| speak of people you simply must put yourself in their place, it is 02:0100,00[A ]| not difficult. The only thing you must never speak of is your happiness, 02:0100,00[A ]| I can think of nothing else for the moment. Better even 02:0100,00[A ]| not to$9$ think of it. Standing by the bed he watched me. Seeing 02:0100,00[A ]| my lips move, for I tried to$9$ speak, he stooped down to$4$ me. I 02:0100,00[A ]| had things to$9$ ask him, to$9$ give me my stick for example. He would 02:0100,00[A ]| have$1$ refused. Then with clasped hands and tears in my eyes I 02:0100,00[A ]| would have$1$ begged it of him as a favor. This humiliation has 02:0100,00[A ]| been denied to$4$ me thanks to$4$ my aphony. My voice has gone 02:0100,00[A ]| dead, the rest will follow. I could have$1$ written, on a page of 02:0100,00[A ]| my exercise-book, and shown to$4$ him, Please give me back my 02:0100,00[A ]| stick, or, Be$8$ so kind as to$9$ hand me up my stick. But I 02:0100,00[A ]| had hidden the exercise-book under the blanket, so that 02:0100,00[A ]| he might not take it from me. I did so without thinking that 02:0100,00[A ]| he had been there for some time (otherwise he would not have$1$ 02:0100,00[A ]| struck me) watching me writing, for I must have$1$ been writing 02:0100,00[A ]| when he came, and that consequently he could easily have$1$ taken 02:0100,00[A ]| my exercise-book if he had wished, and without thinking either 02:0100,00[A ]| that he was watching me when I slipped it out of sight, and 02:0100,00[A ]| that consequently the only effect of my precaution was to$9$ draw 02:0100,00[A ]| his attention to$4$ the very object I wished to$9$ hide from him. 02:0100,00[A ]| There is reasoning for you. For of all I ever had in this world all 02:0100,00[A ]| has been taken from me, except the exercise-book, so I cherish 02:0100,00[A ]| it, it is human. The lead too, I was forgetting the lead, but what 02:0100,36[A ]| is a lead, without paper? He must have$1$ said to$4$ himself, over his 02:0101,00[A ]| lunch, This afternoon I will take his exercise-book from him, he 02:0101,00[A ]| seems to$9$ cherish it. But when he came back from his lunch the 02:0101,00[A ]| exercise-book was no longer in the place where he had seen me 02:0101,00[A ]| put it, he had not thought of that. His umbrella, have I mentioned 02:0101,00[A ]| his umbrella, the tightest rolled I ever saw? Shifting it 02:0101,00[A ]| every few minutes from one hand to$4$ the other he leaned his 02:0101,00[A ]| weight upon it, standing beside the bed. Then it bent. He made 02:0101,00[A ]| use of it to$9$ raise my blankets. It was with this umbrella that I 02:0101,00[A ]| thought he was going to$9$ kill me, with its long sharp point, he 02:0101,00[A ]| had only to$9$ plunge it in my heart. Wilful murder, people would 02:0101,00[A ]| have$1$ said. Perhaps he will come back to-morrow, better equipped, 02:0101,00[A ]| or with a assistant, now that he is familiar with the premises. 02:0101,00[A ]| But if he watched me I too watched him, I think we gazed at 02:0101,00[A ]| each other literally for hours, without winking. He probably 02:0101,00[A ]| imagined he could stare me down, because I am old and helpless. 02:0101,00[A ]| The poor bastard. It was so long since I had seen a biped 02:0101,00[A ]| of this description that I had my eyes out on stalks, as the 02:0101,00[A ]| saying is, for fear of not being able to$9$ credit them. I said to$4$ 02:0101,00[A ]| myself, One of these days they will start grazing the trees. And 02:0101,00[A ]| the face they have! I had forgotten. At a certain moment, incommoded 02:0101,00[A ]| by the smell probably, he squeezed himself in between 02:0101,00[A ]| the bed and the wall, to$9$ try and open the window. He could not. 02:0101,00[A ]| In the morning I did not take my eyes off him. But in the afternoon 02:0101,00[A ]| I slept a little. I do not know what he did while I was asleep, 02:0101,00[A ]| rummaged in my possessions probably, with his umbrella, they 02:0101,00[A ]| are scattered all over the floor now. I thought for a moment 02:0101,00[A ]| he had been sent by the funeral people. Those who have enabled 02:0101,00[A ]| me to$9$ live till now will no doubt see to$4$ it that I am buried with 02:0101,00[A ]| a minimum of ceremony. Here lies Malone at last, with the 02:0101,00[A ]| dates to$9$ give a faint idea of the time he took to$9$ be$1$ excused and 02:0101,00[A ]| then to$9$ distinguish him from his namesakes, numerous in the 02:0101,00[A ]| island and beyond the grave. Funny I never ran into one, to$4$ my 02:0101,00[A ]| knowledge, not one. There is still time. Here lies a ne'er-do-well, 02:0101,00[A ]| six feet under hell. But for a moment only, I mean half- a-hour 02:0101,00[A ]| at most. Then I tried him with other functions, all equally 02:0101,36[A ]| disappointing. Strange need to$9$ know who people are and what 02:0102,01[A ]| they do for a living and what they want with you. In spite of 02:0102,00[A ]| the ease with which he wore his black and manipulated his 02:0102,00[A ]| umbrella and his consummate mastery of the block-hat, I had 02:0102,00[A ]| for a time the impression he was disguised, but from what if I 02:0102,00[A ]| may say$1$ so, and as what? At a given moment, yet another, he 02:0102,00[A ]| took fright, for his breath came faster and he moved away from 02:0102,00[A ]| the bed. It was then I saw he was wearing brown boots, which 02:0102,00[A ]| gave me such a shock as no words can convey. They were copiously 02:0102,00[A ]| caked with fresh mud and I said to$4$ myself, Through what 02:0102,00[A ]| sloughs has he had to$9$ toil to$9$ reach me? I wonder if he was looking 02:0102,00[A ]| for something in particular, it would be$1$ so nice to$9$ know. 02:0102,00[A ]| I shall tear a page out of my exercise-book and reproduce upon 02:0102,00[A ]| it, from memory, what follows, and show it to$4$ him to-morrow, 02:0102,00[A ]| or to-day, or some other day, if he ever comes back. 1. Who 02:0102,00[A ]| are you? 2. What do you do, for a living? 3. Are you looking for 02:0102,00[A ]| something in particular? What else? 4. Why are you so cross? 02:0102,00[A ]| 5. Have I offended you? 6. Do you know anything about me? 02:0102,00[A ]| 7. It was wrong of you to$9$ strike me. 8. Give me my stick. 9. Are 02:0102,00[A ]| you your own employer? 10. If not who sends you? 11. Put 02:0102,00[A ]| back my things where you found them. 12. Why has my soup 02:0102,00[A ]| been stopped? 13. For what reason are my pots no longer emptied? 02:0102,00[A ]| 14. Do you think I shall last much longer? 15. May I ask 02:0102,00[A ]| you a favor? 16. Your conditions are mine. 17. Why brown boots 02:0102,00[A ]| and whence the mud? 18. You could not by any chance let me 02:0102,00[A ]| have$1$ the butt of a pencil? 19. Number your answers. 20. Do not 02:0102,00[A ]| go, I have not finished. Will one page suffice? There can not be$1$ 02:0102,00[A ]| many left. I might as well ask for a rubber while I am about 02:0102,00[A ]| it. 21. Could you lend me a India rubber? When he had gone 02:0102,00[A ]| I said to$4$ myself, But surely I have seen him somewhere before. 02:0102,00[A ]| And the people I have seen have seen me too, I can guarantee 02:0102,00[A ]| that. But of whom may it not be$1$ said, I know that man? Drivel, 02:0102,00[A ]| drivel. And then at evening morning is so far away. I had stopped 02:0102,00[A ]| looking at him. I had got used to$4$ him. I was thinking of him, 02:0102,00[A ]| trying to$9$ understand, you can not do$1$ that and look at the same 02:0102,00[A ]| time. I did not even see him go. Oh he did not vanish, after the 02:0102,36[A ]| fashion of a ghost, no, I heard him, the clank when he took out 02:0103,01[A ]| his watch, the satisfied thump of the umbrella on the floor, the 02:0103,00[A ]| rightabout, the rapid steps towards the door, its soft closing and 02:0103,00[A ]| finally, I am sorry to$9$ say$1$, a gay and lively whistle dying away. 02:0103,00[A ]| What have I omitted? Little things, nothings. They will come 02:0103,00[A ]| back to$4$ me later, make me see more clearly what has happened 02:0103,00[A ]| and say$1$, Ah if I had only known then, now it is too late. Yes, 02:0103,00[A ]| little by little I shall see him as he just has been, or as he should 02:0103,00[A ]| have$1$ been for me to$9$ be$1$ able to$9$ say$1$, yet again, Too late, too 02:0103,00[A ]| late. There is feeling for you. Or he is perhaps just the first of 02:0103,00[A ]| a series of visitors, all different. They are going to$9$ relay one 02:0103,00[A ]| another, and they are numerous. To-morrow perhaps he will be$1$ 02:0103,00[A ]| wearing leggings, riding-breeches and a check cap, with a whip 02:0103,00[A ]| in his hand to$9$ make up for the umbrella and a horse-shoe 02:0103,00[A ]| in his button-hole. All the people I have ever caught a glimpse 02:0103,00[A ]| of, at close quarters or at a distance, may file past from now on, 02:0103,00[A ]| that is obvious. There may even be$1$ women and children, I have 02:0103,00[A ]| caught a glimpse of a few, they will all be$1$ armed with something 02:0103,00[A ]| to$9$ lean on and rummage in my things with, they will all 02:0103,00[A ]| give me a clout on the head to$9$ begin with and then spend the 02:0103,00[A ]| rest of the day glaring at me in anger and disgust. I shall have$1$ 02:0103,00[A ]| to$9$ revise my questionnaire so as to$9$ adapt it to$4$ all and sundry. 02:0103,00[A ]| Perhaps one, one day, unmindful of his instructions, will give 02:0103,00[A ]| me my stick. Or I might be$1$ able to$9$ catch one, a little girl for 02:0103,00[A ]| example, and half strangle her$6$, three quarters, until she promises 02:0103,00[A ]| to$9$ give me my stick, give me soup, empty my pots, kiss me, 02:0103,00[A ]| fondle me, smile to$4$ me, give me my hat, stay with me, follow 02:0103,00[A ]| the hearse weeping into her$2$ handkerchief, that would be$1$ nice. 02:0103,00[A ]| I am such a good man, at bottom, such a good man, how is it 02:0103,00[A ]| nobody ever noticed it? A little girl would be$1$ into my barrow, 02:0103,00[A ]| she would undress before me, sleep beside me, have nobody but 02:0103,00[A ]| me, I would jam the bed against the door to$9$ prevent her$2$ running 02:0103,00[A ]| away, but then she would throw herself out of the window, when 02:0103,00[A ]| they got to$9$ know she was with me they would bring soup for 02:0103,00[A ]| two, I would teach her$6$ love and loathing, she would never forget 02:0103,00[A ]| me, I would die delighted, she would close my eyes and put a 02:0103,36[A ]| plug in my arse-hole, as per instructions. Easy, Malone, take 02:0104,01[A ]| it easy, you old whore. That reminds me, how long can one fast 02:0104,00[A ]| with impunity? The Lord Mayor of Cork lasted for ages, but 02:0104,00[A ]| he was young, and then he had political convictions, human 02:0104,00[A ]| ones too probably, just plain human convictions. And he 02:0104,00[A ]| allowed himself a sip of water from time to$4$ time, sweetened 02:0104,00[A ]| probably. Water, for pity's sake ! How is it I am not thirsty. 02:0104,00[A ]| There must be$1$ drinking going on inside me, my secretions. Yes, 02:0104,00[A ]| let us talk a little about me, that will be$1$ a rest from all these 02:0104,00[A ]| blackguards. What light! Foretaste of paradise? My head. On 02:0104,00[A ]| fire, full of boiling oil. What shall I die of, in the end? A transport 02:0104,00[A ]| of blood to$4$ the brain? That would be$1$ the last straw. The 02:0104,00[A ]| pain is almost unbearable, upon my soul it is. Incandescent 02:0104,00[A ]| migraine. Death must take me for someone else. It is the heart's 02:0104,00[A ]| fault, as in the bosom of the match king, Schneider, Schroeder, 02:0104,00[A ]| I forget. It too is burning, with shame, of itself, of me, of them, 02:0104,00[A ]| shame of everything, except of beating apparently. It is nothing, 02:0104,00[A ]| mere nervousness. And who knows, perhaps the first to$9$ 02:0104,00[A ]| fail will be$1$ my breath, after all. After each avowal, before and 02:0104,00[A ]| during, what swirling murmurs. The window says break of 02:0104,00[A ]| day, rack of tattered rainclouds stampeding. Have a nice time. 02:0104,00[A ]| Far from this molten gloom. Yes, my last gasps are not what 02:0104,00[A ]| they might be$1$, the bellows will not go down, the air is choking 02:0104,00[A ]| me, perhaps it is a little lacking in oxygen. Macmann pygmy 02:0104,00[A ]| beneath the great black gesticulating pines gazes at the distant 02:0104,00[A ]| raging sea. The others are there too, or at their windows, like 02:0104,00[A ]| me, but on their feet, they must be$1$ able to$9$ move, or to$9$ be$1$ moved, 02:0104,00[A ]| no, not like me, they can not do$1$ anything for anybody, clinging to$4$ 02:0104,00[A ]| the shivering poplars, or at their windows, listening. But perhaps 02:0104,00[A ]| I should finish with myself first, in so far naturally as such a 02:0104,00[A ]| thing is possible. The speed I am turning at now makes things 02:0104,00[A ]| difficult admittedly, but it probably can only increase, that is the 02:0104,00[A ]| thing to$9$ be$1$ considered. Mem, add to$4$ the questionnaire, If you 02:0104,00[A ]| happen to$9$ have$1$ a match try and light it. How is it I heard 02:0104,00[A ]| nothing when he spoke to$4$ me and yet heard him leave, whistling? 02:0104,00[A ]| Perhaps he only feigned to$9$ speak to$4$ me, to$9$ try and make me 02:0104,36[A ]| think I had gone deaf. Do I hear anything at the present instant? 02:0105,01[A ]| Let me see. No, the answer is no. Neither the wind, nor the 02:0105,00[A ]| sea, nor the paper, nor the air I exhale with such labor. But 02:0105,00[A ]| this innumerable babble, like a multitude whispering? I do not 02:0105,00[A ]| understand. With my distant hand I count the pages that remain. 02:0105,00[A ]| They will do$1$. This exercise-book is my life, this big child's 02:0105,00[A ]| exercise-book, it has taken me a long time to$9$ resign myself to$4$ 02:0105,00[A ]| that. And yet I shall not throw it away. For I want to$9$ put down 02:0105,00[A ]| in it, for the last time, those I have called to$4$ my help, but ill 02:0105,00[A ]| so that they did not understand, so that they may cease with me. 02:0105,00[A ]| Now rest. 02:0105,00@@@@@| 02:0105,00[A ]| Wearing over his long shirt a great striped cloak reaching 02:0105,00[A ]| down to$4$ his ankles Macmann took the air in all weathers, from 02:0105,00[A ]| morning to$4$ night. And more than once they had been obliged 02:0105,00[A ]| to$9$ go out looking for him with lanterns, to$9$ bring him back to$4$ 02:0105,00[A ]| his cell, for he had remained deaf to$4$ the call of the bell and to$4$ 02:0105,00[A ]| the shouts and threats first of Lemuel, then of the other keepers. 02:0105,00[A ]| Then the keepers, in their white clothes, armed with sticks and 02:0105,00[A ]| lanterns, spread out from the buildings and beat the thickets, 02:0105,00[A ]| the copses and the fern-brakes, calling the fugitive by name and 02:0105,00[A ]| threatening him with the direst reprisals if he did not surrender 02:0105,00[A ]| immediately. But they finally remarked that he hid, when he 02:0105,00[A ]| did, always in the same place and that such a deployment of force 02:0105,00[A ]| was unnecessary. From then on it was Lemuel who went out 02:0105,00[A ]| alone, in silence, as always when he knew what he had to$9$ do$1$, 02:0105,00[A ]| straight to$4$ the bush in which Macmann had made his lair, 02:0105,00[A ]| whenever this was necessary. My God. And often the two of 02:0105,00[A ]| them remained there for some time, in the bush, before going 02:0105,00[A ]| in, huddled together, for the lair was small, saying nothing, 02:0105,00[A ]| perhaps listening to$4$ the noises of the night, the owls, the wind 02:0105,00[A ]| in the leaves, the sea when it was high enough to$9$ make its voice 02:0105,00[A ]| heard, and then the other night sounds that you can not tell the 02:0105,00[A ]| meaning of. And it sometimes happened that Macmann, weary of 02:0105,00[A ]| not being alone went away alone and back into his cell and 02:0105,00[A ]| remained there until Lemuel rejoined him, much later. It was a 02:0105,36[A ]| genuine English park, though far from England, extravagantly 02:0106,01[A ]| unformal, luxuriant to$4$ the point of wildness. the trees at war 02:0106,00[A ]| with one another, and the bushes, and the wild flowers and 02:0106,00[A ]| weeds, all ravening for earth and light. One evening Macmann 02:0106,00[A ]| went back to$4$ his cell with a branch torn from a dead bramble, 02:0106,00[A ]| for use as a stick to$9$ support him as he walked. Then Lemuel 02:0106,00[A ]| took it from him and struck him with it over and over again, no, 02:0106,00[A ]| that will not work, then Lemuel called a keeper by the name of 02:0106,00[A ]| Pat, a thorough brute though puny in appearance, and said to$4$ 02:0106,00[A ]| him, Pat, will you look at that. Then Pat snatched the stick from 02:0106,00[A ]| Macmann who, seeing the turn things were taking, was holding 02:0106,00[A ]| it clutched tight in his two hands, and struck him with it until 02:0106,00[A ]| Lemuel told him to$9$ stop, and even for some little time afterwards. 02:0106,00[A ]| All this without a word of explanation. So that a little later 02:0106,00[A ]| Macmann, having brought back from his walk a hyacinth he 02:0106,00[A ]| had torn up bulb and roots in the hope of being able to$9$ keep it 02:0106,00[A ]| a little longer thus than if he had simply plucked it, was fiercely 02:0106,00[A ]| reprimanded by Lemuel who wrenched the pretty flower from 02:0106,00[A ]| his hands and threatened to$9$ hand him over to$4$ Jack again, no, 02:0106,00[A ]| to$4$ Pat again, Jack is a different one. And yet the fact of having 02:0106,00[A ]| half demolished the bush, a kind of laurel, in order to$9$ hide in 02:0106,00[A ]| it, had never brought upon his head the least reproof. This is 02:0106,00[A ]| not necessarily surprising, there was no proof against him. Had 02:0106,00[A ]| he been questioned about it he would naturally have$1$ told the 02:0106,00[A ]| truth, for he did not suspect he had done anything wrong. But 02:0106,00[A ]| they must have$1$ assumed he would do$1$ nothing but lie and stoutly 02:0106,00[A ]| deny and that it was therefore useless to$9$ press him with questions. 02:0106,00[A ]| Besides no questions were ever asked in the House of 02:0106,00[A ]| Saint John of God, but stern measures were simply taken, or 02:0106,00[A ]| not taken, according to$4$ the dictates of a peculiar logic. For, 02:0106,00[A ]| when you come to$9$ think of it, in virtue of what possible principle 02:0106,00[A ]| of justice can a flower in the hand fasten on the bearer the crime 02:0106,00[A ]| of having gathered it? Or was the mere fact of holding it for 02:0106,00[A ]| all to$9$ see in itself a felony, analogous to$4$ that of the receiver or 02:0106,00[A ]| fence? And if so would it not have$1$ been preferable to$9$ make this 02:0106,00[A ]| known, quite plainly and frankly, to$4$ all concerned, so that the 02:0106,36[A ]| sense of guilt, instead of merely following on the guilty act, 02:0107,01[A ]| might precede and accompany it as well? Problem. But nicely 02:0107,00[A ]| posed, I think, very nicely indeed. Thanks to$4$ the white cloak 02:0107,00[A ]| with its blue butcher stripes no confusion was possible between 02:0107,00[A ]| the Macmanns on the one hand and the Lemuels, Pats and Jacks 02:0107,00[A ]| on the other. The birds. Numerous and varied in the dense 02:0107,00[A ]| foliage they lived without fear all the year round, or in fear only 02:0107,00[A ]| of their congeners, and those which in summer or in winter flew 02:0107,00[A ]| off to$4$ other climes came back the following winter or the following 02:0107,00[A ]| summer, roughly speaking. The air was filled with their 02:0107,00[A ]| voices, especially at dawn and dusk, and those which set off in 02:0107,00[A ]| flocks in the morning, such as the crows and starlings, for distant 02:0107,00[A ]| pastures, came back the same evening all joyous to$4$ the 02:0107,00[A ]| sanctuary, where their sentinels awaited them. The gulls were 02:0107,00[A ]| many in stormy weather which paused here on their flight inland. 02:0107,00[A ]| They wheeled long in the cruel air, screeching with anger, then 02:0107,00[A ]| settled in the grass or on the house-tops, mistrustful of the trees. 02:0107,00[A ]| But that is all beside the point, like so many things. All is pretext, 02:0107,00[A ]| Sapo and the birds, Moll, the peasants, those who in the 02:0107,00[A ]| towns seek one another out and fly from one another, my doubts 02:0107,00[A ]| which do not interest me, my situation, my possessions, pretext 02:0107,00[A ]| for not coming to$4$ the point, the abandoning, the raising of the 02:0107,00[A ]| arms and going down, without further splash, even though it may 02:0107,00[A ]| annoy the bathers. Yes, there is no good pretending, it is hard to$9$ 02:0107,00[A ]| leave everything. The horror-worn eyes linger abject on all 02:0107,00[A ]| they have beseeched so long, in a last prayer, the true prayer at 02:0107,00[A ]| last, the one that asks for nothing. And it is then a little breath 02:0107,00[A ]| of fulfilment revives the dead longings and a murmur is born 02:0107,00[A ]| in the silent world, reproaching you affectionately with having 02:0107,00[A ]| despaired too late. The last word in the way of viaticum. Let us 02:0107,00[A ]| try it another way. The pure plateau 02:0107,00[A ]| 02:0107,00[A ]| 02:0107,00[A ]| Try and go on. The pure plateau air. Yes, it was a plateau, 02:0107,00[A ]| Moll had not lied, or rather a great mound with gentle slopes. 02:0107,00[A ]| The entire top was occupied by the domain of Saint John and 02:0107,36[A ]| there the wind blew almost without ceasing, causing the stoutest 02:0108,01[A ]| trees to$9$ bend and groan, breaking the boughs, tossing the bushes, 02:0108,00[A ]| lashing the ferns to$4$ fury, flattening the grass and whirling leaves 02:0108,00[A ]| and flowers far away, I hope I have not forgotten anything 02:0108,00[A ]| Good. A high wall encompassed it about, without however shut 02:0108,00[A ]| ting off the view, unless you happened to$9$ be$1$ in its lee. How 02:0108,00[A ]| was this possible? Why thanks to$4$ the rising ground to$9$ be$1$ sure, 02:0108,00[A ]| culminating in a summit called the Rock, because of the rock 02:0108,00[A ]| that was on it. From here a fine view was to$9$ be$1$ obtained of the 02:0108,00[A ]| plain, the sea, the mountains, the smoke of the town and the 02:0108,00[A ]| buildings of the institution, bulking large in spite of their remoteness 02:0108,00[A ]| and all astir with little dots or flecks forever appearing 02:0108,00[A ]| and disappearing, in reality the keepers coming and going, 02:0108,00[A ]| perhaps mingled with I was going to$9$ say$1$ with the prisoners ! 02:0108,00[A ]| For seen from this distance the striped cloak had no stripes, 02:0108,00[A ]| nor indeed any great resemblance to$4$ a cloak at all. So that one 02:0108,00[A ]| could only say$1$, when the first shock of surprise was past, Those 02:0108,00[A ]| are men and women, you know, people, without being able to$9$ 02:0108,00[A ]| specify further. A stream at long intervals bestrid ~~ but to$4$ hell 02:0108,00[A ]| with all this fucking scenery. Where could it have$1$ risen anyway 02:0108,00[A ]| tell me that. Underground perhaps. In a word a little Paradise 02:0108,00[A ]| for those who like their nature sloven. Macmann sometimes 02:0108,00[A ]| wondered what was lacking to$4$ his happiness. The right to$9$ be$1$ 02:0108,00[A ]| abroad in all weathers morning, noon and night, trees and bushes 02:0108,00[A ]| with outstretched branches to$9$ wrap him round and hide him 02:0108,00[A ]| food and lodging such as they were free of all charge, superb 02:0108,00[A ]| views on every hand out over the lifelong enemy, a minimum of 02:0108,00[A ]| persecution and corporal punishment, the song of the birds, no 02:0108,00[A ]| human contact except with Lemuel, who went out of his way 02:0108,00[A ]| to$9$ avoid him, the faculties of memory and reflection stunned 02:0108,00[A ]| by the incessant walking and high wind, Moll dead, what more 02:0108,00[A ]| could he wish? I must be$1$ happy, he said, it is less pleasant 02:0108,00[A ]| than I should have$1$ thought. And he clung closer and closer to$4$ 02:0108,00[A ]| the wall, but not too close, for it was guarded, seeking a way out 02:0108,00[A ]| into the desolation of having nobody and nothing, the wilds of 02:0108,00[A ]| the hunted, the scant bread and the scant shelter and the black 02:0108,36[A ]| joy of the solitary way, in helplessness and will-lessness, through 02:0109,01[A ]| all the beauty, the knowing and the loving. Which he stated by 02:0109,00[A ]| saying, for he was artless, I have had enough, without pausing a 02:0109,00[A ]| moment to$9$ reflect on what it was he had enough of or to$9$ 02:0109,00[A ]| compare it with what it had been he had had enough of, until 02:0109,00[A ]| he lost it, and would have$1$ enough of again, when he got it back 02:0109,00[A ]| again, and without suspecting that the thing so often felt to$9$ be$1$ 02:0109,00[A ]| excessive, and honored by such a variety of names, was perhaps 02:0109,00[A ]| in reality always one and the same. But there was one reflecting 02:0109,00[A ]| in his place and setting down coldly the sign of equality 02:0109,00[A ]| where it was needed, as if that could make any difference. So 02:0109,00[A ]| he had only to$9$ go on gasping, in his artless way, Enough ! 02:0109,00[A ]| Enough!, as he crept along by the wall under the cover of the 02:0109,00[A ]| bushes, searching for a breach through which he might slip 02:0109,00[A ]| out, under cover of night, or a place with footholds where he 02:0109,00[A ]| might climb over. But the wall was unbroken and smooth and 02:0109,00[A ]| topped uninterruptedly with broken glass, of a bottle green. 02:0109,00[A ]| But let us cast a glance at the main entrance, wide enough to$9$ 02:0109,00[A ]| admit two large vehicles abreast and flanked by two charming 02:0109,00[A ]| lodges covered with Virginia creeper and occupied by large 02:0109,00[A ]| deserving families, to$9$ judge by the swarms of little brats playing 02:0109,00[A ]| nearby, pursuing one another with cries of joy, rage and grief. 02:0109,00[A ]| But space hemmed him in on every side and held him in its 02:0109,00[A ]| toils, with the multitude of other faintly stirring, faintly struggling 02:0109,00[A ]| things, such as the children, the lodges and the gates, and 02:0109,00[A ]| like a sweat of things the moments streamed away in a great 02:0109,00[A ]| chaotic conflux of oozings and torrents, and the trapped huddled 02:0109,00[A ]| things changed and died each one according to$4$ its solitude. 02:0109,00[A ]| Beyond the gate, on the road, shapes passed that Macmann 02:0109,00[A ]| could not understand, because of the bars, because of all the 02:0109,00[A ]| trembling and raging behind him and beside him, because of 02:0109,00[A ]| the cries, the sky, the earth enjoining him to$9$ fall and his long 02:0109,00[A ]| blind life. A keeper came out of one of the lodges, in obedience 02:0109,00[A ]| to$4$ a telephone-call probably, all in white, a long black object in 02:0109,00[A ]| his hand, a key, and the children lined up along the drive. 02:0109,00[A ]| Suddenly there were women. All fell silent. The heavy gates 02:0109,36[A ]| swung open, driving the keeper before them. He backed away, 02:0110,01[A ]| then suddenly turned and fled to$4$ his doorstep. The road appeared, 02:0110,00[A ]| white with dust, bordered with dark masses, stretched 02:0110,00[A ]| a little way and ran up dead, against a narrow grey sky. Macmann 02:0110,00[A ]| let go the tree that hid him and turned back up the hill, 02:0110,00[A ]| not running, for he could hardly walk, but as fast as he could, 02:0110,00[A ]| bowed and stumbling, helping himself forward with the boles 02:0110,00[A ]| and boughs that offered. Little by little the haze formed again, 02:0110,00[A ]| and the sense of absence, and the captive things began to$9$ murmur 02:0110,00[A ]| again, each one to$4$ itself, and it was as if nothing had ever 02:0110,00[A ]| happened or would ever happen again. 02:0110,00@@@@@| 02:0110,00[A ]| Others besides Macmann strayed from morning to$4$ night, 02:0110,00[A ]| stooped under the heavy cloak, in the rare glades, among the 02:0110,00[A ]| trees that hid the sky and in the high ferns where they looked 02:0110,00[A ]| like swimmers. They seldom came near to$4$ one another, because 02:0110,00[A ]| they were few and the park was vast. But when chance brought 02:0110,00[A ]| one or more together, near enough for them to$9$ realize it had 02:0110,00[A ]| done so, then they hastened to$9$ turn back or, without going to$4$ 02:0110,00[A ]| such extremes, simply aside, as if ashamed to$9$ be$1$ seen by their 02:0110,00[A ]| fellows. But sometimes they brushed against one another without 02:0110,00[A ]| seeming to$9$ notice it, their heads buried in the ample hood. 02:0110,00[A ]| 02:0110,00[A ]| Macmann carried with him and contemplated from time to$4$ 02:0110,00[A ]| time the photograph that Moll had given him, it was perhaps 02:0110,00[A ]| rather a daguerreotype. She was standing beside a chair and 02:0110,00[A ]| squeezing in her$2$ hands her$2$ long plaits. Traces were visible, 02:0110,00[A ]| behind her$6$, of a kind of trellis with clambering flowers, roses 02:0110,00[A ]| probably, they sometimes like to$9$ clamber. When giving this 02:0110,00[A ]| keep-sake to$4$ Macmann she had said, I was fourteen, I well remember 02:0110,00[A ]| the day, a summer day, it was my birthday, afterwards 02:0110,00[A ]| they took me to$9$ see Punch and Judy. Macmann remembered 02:0110,00[A ]| those words. What he liked best in this picture was the chair, 02:0110,00[A ]| the seat of which seemed to$9$ be$1$ made of straw. Diligently Moll 02:0110,00[A ]| pressed her$2$ lips together, in order to$9$ hide her$2$ great buck-teeth. 02:0110,00[A ]| The roses must have$1$ been pretty, they must have$1$ scented the 02:0110,36[A ]| air. In the end Macmann tore up this photograph and threw the 02:0111,01[A ]| bits in the air, one windy day. Then they scattered, though all 02:0111,00[A ]| subjected to$4$ the same conditions, as though with alacrity. 02:0111,00[A ]| 02:0111,00[A ]| When it rained, when it snowed 02:0111,00[A ]| 02:0111,00[A ]| On. One morning Lemuel, putting in the prescribed appearance 02:0111,00[A ]| in the great hall before setting out on his rounds, found 02:0111,00[A ]| pinned on the board a notice concerning him. Group Lemuel, 02:0111,00[A ]| excursion to$4$ the islands, weather permitting, with Lady Pedal, 02:0111,00[A ]| leaving one p.m. His colleagues observed him, sniggering and 02:0111,00[A ]| poking one another in the ribs. But they did not dare say$1$ anything. 02:0111,00[A ]| One woman however did pass a witty remark, to$4$ good 02:0111,00[A ]| effect. Lemuel was not liked, that was clear. But would he 02:0111,00[A ]| have$1$ wished to$9$ be$1$, that is less clear. He initialed the notice 02:0111,00[A ]| and went away. The sun was dragging itself up, dispatching 02:0111,00[A ]| on its way what perhaps would be$1$, thanks to$4$ it, a glorious 02:0111,00[A ]| May or April day, April more likely, it is doubtless the Easter 02:0111,00[A ]| week-end, spent by Jesus in hell. And it may well have$1$ 02:0111,00[A ]| been in honor of this latter that Lady Pedal had organized, 02:0111,00[A ]| for the benefit of Lemuel's group, this outing to$4$ the islands 02:0111,00[A ]| which was going to$9$ cost her$6$ dear, but she was well off and lived 02:0111,00[A ]| for doing good and bringing a little happiness into the lives 02:0111,00[A ]| of those less fortunate than herself, who was all right in her$2$ 02:0111,00[A ]| head and to$4$ whom life had always smiled or, as she had it herself, 02:0111,00[A ]| returned her$2$ smile, enlarged as in a convex mirror, or a 02:0111,00[A ]| concave, I forget. Taking advantage of the terrestrial atmosphere 02:0111,00[A ]| that dimmed its brightness Lemuel glared with loathing 02:0111,00[A ]| at the sun. He had reached his room, on the fourth or fifth 02:0111,00[A ]| floor, whence on countless occasions he could have$1$ thrown himself 02:0111,00[A ]| in perfect safety out of the window if he had been less 02:0111,00[A ]| weak-minded. The long silver carpet was in position, ending in 02:0111,00[A ]| a point, trembling across the calm repousse=a sea. The room was 02:0111,00[A ]| small and absolutely empty, for Lemuel slept on the bare boards 02:0111,00[A ]| and even off them ate his lesser meals, now at one place, now at 02:0111,00[A ]| another. But what matter about Lemuel and his room? On. Lady 02:0111,36[A ]| Pedal was not the only one to$9$ take a interest in the inmates of 02:0112,01[A ]| Saint John of God's, known pleasantly locally as the Johnny 02:0112,00[A ]| Goddams, or the Goddam Johnnies, not the only one to$9$ treat 02:0112,00[A ]| them on a average once every two years to$4$ excursions by land 02:0112,00[A ]| and sea through scenery renowned for its beauty or grandeur 02:0112,00[A ]| and even to$4$ entertainments on the premises such as whole 02:0112,00[A ]| evenings of prestidigitation and ventriloquism in the moonlight 02:0112,00[A ]| on the terrace, no, but she was seconded by other ladies 02:0112,00[A ]| sharing her$2$ way of thinking and similarly blessed in means and 02:0112,00[A ]| leisure. But what matter about Lady Pedal? On. Carrying in 02:0112,00[A ]| one hand two buckets wedged the one within the other Lemuel 02:0112,00[A ]| proceeded to$4$ the vast kitchen, full of stir and bustle at that 02:0112,00[A ]| hour. Six excursion soups, he growled. What? said the cook. 02:0112,00[A ]| Six excursion soups! roared Lemuel, dashing his buckets against 02:0112,00[A ]| the oven, without however relinquishing the handles, for he 02:0112,00[A ]| retained enough presence of mind to$9$ dread the thought of having 02:0112,00[A ]| to$9$ stoop and pick them up again. The difference between 02:0112,00[A ]| a excursion soup and a common or house soup was simply this, 02:0112,00[A ]| that the latter was uniformly liquid whereas the former contained 02:0112,00[A ]| a piece of fat bacon intended to$9$ keep up the strength of the 02:0112,00[A ]| excursionist until his return. When his bucket had been filled 02:0112,00[A ]| Lemuel withdrew to$4$ a secluded place, rolled up his sleeve to$4$ the 02:0112,00[A ]| elbow, fished up from the bottom of the bucket one after another 02:0112,00[A ]| the six pieces of bacon, his own and the five others, ate 02:0112,00[A ]| all the fat off them, sucked the rinds and threw them back in 02:0112,00[A ]| the soup. Strange when you come to$9$ think of it, but after all 02:0112,00[A ]| not so strange really, that they should have$1$ issued six extra or 02:0112,00[A ]| excursion soups at his mere demand, without requiring a written 02:0112,00[A ]| order. The cells of the five were far apart and so astutely disposed 02:0112,00[A ]| that Lemuel had never been able to$9$ determine how best, 02:0112,00[A ]| that is to$9$ say$1$ with the minimum of fatigue and annoyance, to$9$ 02:0112,00[A ]| visit them in turn. In the first a young man, dead young, seated 02:0112,00[A ]| in a old rocking-chair, his shirt rolled up and his hands on 02:0112,00[A ]| his thighs, would have$1$ seemed asleep had not his eyes been 02:0112,00[A ]| wide open. He never went out, unless commanded to$9$ do$1$ so, and 02:0112,00[A ]| then someone had to$9$ accompany him, in order to$9$ make him 02:0112,36[A ]| move forward. His chamber-pot was empty, whereas in his 02:0113,01[A ]| bowl the soup of the previous day had congealed. The reverse 02:0113,00[A ]| would have$1$ been less surprising. But Lemuel was used to$4$ this, so 02:0113,00[A ]| used that he had long since ceased to$9$ wonder on what this creature 02:0113,00[A ]| fed. He emptied the bowl into his empty bucket and from 02:0113,00[A ]| his full bucket filled it with fresh soup. Then he went, a bucket 02:0113,00[A ]| in each hand, whereas up to$4$ now a single hand had been enough 02:0113,00[A ]| to$9$ carry the two buckets. Because of the excursion he locked the 02:0113,00[A ]| door behind him, a unnecessary precaution. The second cell, 02:0113,00[A ]| four or five hundred paces distant from the first, contained one 02:0113,00[A ]| whose only really striking features were his stature, his stiffness 02:0113,00[A ]| and his air of perpetually looking for something while at the 02:0113,00[A ]| same time wondering what that something could possibly be$1$. 02:0113,00[A ]| Nothing in his person gave any indication of his age, whether 02:0113,00[A ]| he was marvellously well-preserved or on the contrary prematurely 02:0113,00[A ]| decayed. He was called the Saxon, though he was far from 02:0113,00[A ]| being any such thing. Without troubling to$9$ take off his shirt 02:0113,00[A ]| he had swathed himself in his two blankets as in swaddlings 02:0113,00[A ]| and over and above this rough and ready cocoon he wore his 02:0113,00[A ]| cloak. He gathered it shiveringly about him, with one hand, 02:0113,00[A ]| for he needed the other to$9$ help him in his investigation of all 02:0113,00[A ]| that aroused his suspicions. Good-morning, good-morning, good-morning, 02:0113,00[A ]| he said, with a strong foreign accent and darting 02:0113,00[A ]| fearful glances all about him, fucking awful business this, no, 02:0113,00[A ]| yes? Sudden starts instantly repressed dislodged him imperceptibly 02:0113,00[A ]| from his coign of maximum vantage in the centre of 02:0113,00[A ]| the room. What ! he exclaimed. His soup, examined drop by 02:0113,00[A ]| drop, had been transferred in its entirety to$4$ his pot. Anxiously 02:0113,00[A ]| he watched Lemuel performing his office, filling and emptying. 02:0113,00[A ]| Dreamt all night of that bloody man Quin again, he said. It was 02:0113,00[A ]| his habit to$9$ go out from time to$4$ time, into the air. But after 02:0113,00[A ]| a few steps he would halt, totter, turn and hasten back into his 02:0113,00[A ]| cell, aghast at such depths of opacity. 02:0113,00[A ]| 02:0113,00[A ]| 02:0113,00[A ]| In the third a small thin man was pacing up and down, his 02:0113,36[A ]| cloak folded over his arm, a umbrella in his hand. Fine head of 02:0114,01[A ]| white flossy hair. He was asking himself questions in a low 02:0114,00[A ]| voice, reflecting, replying. The door had hardly opened when 02:0114,00[A ]| he made a dart to$9$ get out, for he spent his days ranging about 02:0114,00[A ]| the park in all directions. Without putting down his buckets 02:0114,00[A ]| Lemuel sent him flying with a toss of his shoulder. He lay where 02:0114,00[A ]| he had fallen, clutching his cloak and umbrella. Then, having 02:0114,00[A ]| recovered from his surprise, he began to$9$ cry. In the fourth a 02:0114,00[A ]| misshapen giant, bearded, occupied to$4$ the exclusion of all else in 02:0114,00[A ]| scratching himself, intermittently. Sprawling on his pillow on 02:0114,00[A ]| the floor under the window, his head sunk, his mouth open, his 02:0114,00[A ]| legs wide apart, his knees raised, leaning with one hand on the 02:0114,00[A ]| ground while the other came and went under his shirt, he awaited 02:0114,00[A ]| his soup. When his bowl had been filled he stopped scratching 02:0114,00[A ]| and stretched out his hand towards Lemuel, in the daily disappointed 02:0114,00[A ]| hope of being spared the trouble of getting up. He 02:0114,00[A ]| still loved the gloom and secrecy of the ferns, but never sought 02:0114,00[A ]| them out. The youth then, the Saxon, the thin one and the 02:0114,00[A ]| giant. I do not know if they have changed, I do not remember. 02:0114,00[A ]| May the others forgive me. In the fifth Macmann, half asleep. 02:0114,00[A ]| 02:0114,00@@@@@| 02:0114,00[A ]| A few lines to$9$ remind me that I too subsist. He has not come 02:0114,00[A ]| back. How long ago is it now? I do not know. Long. And I? 02:0114,00[A ]| Indubitably going, that is all that matters. Whence this assurance? 02:0114,00[A ]| Try and think. I can not. Grandiose suffering. I am swelling. 02:0114,00[A ]| What if I should burst? The ceiling rises and falls, rises and 02:0114,00[A ]| falls, rhythmically, as when I was a foetus. Also to$9$ be$1$ mentioned 02:0114,00[A ]| a noise of rushing water, phenomenon mutatis mutandis perhaps 02:0114,00[A ]| analogous to$4$ that of the mirage, in the desert. The window. 02:0114,00[A ]| I shall not see it again. Why? Because, to$4$ my grief, I can not 02:0114,00[A ]| turn my head. Leaden light again, thick, eddying, riddled with 02:0114,00[A ]| little tunnels through to$4$ brightness, perhaps I should say$1$ air, 02:0114,00[A ]| sucking air. All is ready. Except me. I am being given, if I may 02:0114,00[A ]| venture the expression, birth to$4$ into death, such is my impression. 02:0114,00[A ]| The feet are clear already, of the great cunt of existence. 02:0114,36[A ]| Favorable presentation I trust. My head will be$1$ the last to$9$ die. 02:0115,01[A ]| Haul in your hands. I can not. The render rent. My story ended 02:0115,00[A ]| I will be$1$ living yet. Promising lag. That is the end of me. I shall 02:0115,00[A ]| say$1$ I no more. 02:0115,00[A ]| 02:0115,00[A ]| Surrounded by his little flock which after nearly two hours 02:0115,00[A ]| of efforts he had succeeded in assembling, single-handed, Pat 02:0115,00[A ]| having refused to$9$ help him, Lemuel stood on the terrace waiting 02:0115,00[A ]| for Lady Pedal to$9$ arrive. Cords tethered by the ankles the 02:0115,00[A ]| thin one to$4$ the youth, the Saxon to$4$ the giant, and Lemuel held 02:0115,00[A ]| Macmann by the arm. Of the five it was Macmann, furious at 02:0115,00[A ]| having been shut up in his cell all morning and at a loss to$9$ 02:0115,00[A ]| understand what was wanted of him, whose resistance had been 02:0115,00[A ]| the most lively. He had notably refused to$9$ stir a step without 02:0115,00[A ]| his hat, with such fierce determination that Lemuel had finally 02:0115,00[A ]| consented to$4$ his keeping it on, provided it was hidden by the 02:0115,00[A ]| hood. In spite of this Macmann continued peevish and agitated, 02:0115,00[A ]| trying to$9$ free his arm and saying over and over again, Let me 02:0115,00[A ]| go! Let me go! The youth, tormented by the sun, was grabbing 02:0115,00[A ]| feebly at the thin one's umbrella, saying, Pasol! Pasol! The 02:0115,00[A ]| thin one retaliated with petulant taps on his hands and arms. 02:0115,00[A ]| Naughty! he cried. Help! The giant had thrown his arms round 02:0115,00[A ]| the Saxon's neck and hung there, his legs limp. The Saxon, 02:0115,00[A ]| tottering, too proud to$9$ collapse, demanded to$9$ be$1$ enlightened in 02:0115,00[A ]| tones without anger. Who is this shite anyhow, he said, any 02:0115,00[A ]| of you poor buggers happen to$9$ know? The director, or his 02:0115,00[A ]| delegate, also present, said dreamily from time to$4$ time, Now, 02:0115,00[A ]| now, please. They were alone on the great terrace. Can it be$1$ 02:0115,00[A ]| she fears a change of weather? said the director. He added, 02:0115,00[A ]| turning towards Lemuel, I am asking you a question. The sky 02:0115,00[A ]| was cloudless, the air still. Where is the beautiful young man 02:0115,00[A ]| with the Messiah beard? But in that case would she not have$1$ 02:0115,00[A ]| telephoned? said the director. 02:0115,00[A ]| 02:0115,00[A ]| The waggonette. Up on the box, beside the coachman, Lady 02:0115,00[A ]| Pedal. On one of the seats, set parallel to$4$ the wheels, Lemuel, 02:0115,36[A ]| Macmann, the Saxon and the giant. On the other, facing them, 02:0116,01[A ]| the youth, the thin one and two colossi dressed in sailor-suits. 02:0116,00[A ]| As they passed through the gates the children cheered. A sudden 02:0116,00[A ]| descent, long and steep, sent them plunging towards the sea. 02:0116,00[A ]| Under the drag of the brakes the wheels slid more than they 02:0116,00[A ]| rolled and the stumbling horses reared against the thrust. Lady 02:0116,00[A ]| Pedal clung to$4$ the box, her$2$ bust flung back. She was a huge, 02:0116,00[A ]| big, tall, fat woman. Artificial daisies with brilliant yellow disks 02:0116,00[A ]| gushed from her$2$ broad-brimmed straw hat. At the same time 02:0116,00[A ]| behind the heavily spotted fall-veil her$2$ plump red face appeared 02:0116,00[A ]| to$9$ pullulate. The passengers, yielding with unanimous inertia to$4$ 02:0116,00[A ]| the tilt of the seats, sprawled pell-mell beneath the box. Sit back! 02:0116,00[A ]| cried Lady Pedal. Nobody stirred. What good would that do$1$? 02:0116,00[A ]| said one of the sailors. None, said the other. Should they not 02:0116,00[A ]| all get down, said Lady Pedal to$4$ the coachman, and walk? 02:0116,00[A ]| When they were safely at the bottom of the hill at last Lady 02:0116,00[A ]| Pedal turned affably to$4$ her$2$ guests. Courage my hearties! she 02:0116,00[A ]| said, to$9$ show she was not superior. The waggonette jolted on 02:0116,00[A ]| with gathering speed. The giant lay on the boards, between 02:0116,00[A ]| the seats. Are you the one in charge? said Lady Pedal. One of 02:0116,00[A ]| the sailors leaned towards Lemuel and said, She wants to$9$ know 02:0116,00[A ]| if you are the one in charge. Fuck off, said Lemuel. The Saxon 02:0116,00[A ]| uttered a roar which Lady Pedal, on the qui vive for the least 02:0116,00[A ]| sign of animation, was pleased to$9$ interpret as a manifestation of 02:0116,00[A ]| joy. That is the spirit! she cried. Sing! Make the most of this 02:0116,00[A ]| glorious day! Banish your cares, for a hour or so! And she 02:0116,00[A ]| burst forth: 02:0116,00[A ]| \Oh the jolly jolly spring\ 02:0116,00[A ]| \Blue and sun and nests and flowers\ 02:0116,00[A ]| \Alleluiah Christ is King\ 02:0116,00[A ]| \Oh the happy happy hours\ 02:0116,00[A ]| \Oh the jolly jolly\ ~~ 02:0116,00[A ]| 02:0116,00[A ]| She broke off, discouraged. What is the matter with them? she 02:0116,00[A ]| said. The youth, less youthful now, doubled in two, his head 02:0116,00[A ]| swathed in the skirts of his cloak, seemed to$9$ be$1$ vomiting. His 02:0116,36[A ]| legs, monstrously bony and knock-kneed, were knocking together 02:0117,01[A ]| at the knees. The thin one, shivering, though in theory 02:0117,00[A ]| the Saxon is the shiverer, had resumed his dialogue. Motionless 02:0117,00[A ]| and concentrated between the voices he reinforced these with 02:0117,00[A ]| passionate gestures amplified by the umbrella. And you ? ~~ 02:0117,00[A ]| Thanks ~~ And you? ~~ THANKS! ~~ True ~~ Left ~~ 02:0117,00[A ]| Try ~~ Back ~~ Where? ~~ On ~~ No! ~~ Right ~~ 02:0117,00[A ]| Try ~~ Do you smell the sea, said Lady Pedal, I do. Macmann 02:0117,00[A ]| made a bid for freedom. In vain. Lemuel produced a 02:0117,00[A ]| hatchet from under his cloak and dealt himself a few smart 02:0117,00[A ]| blows on the skull, with the heel, for safety. Nice jaunt we are 02:0117,00[A ]| having, said one of the sailors. Swell, said the other. Sun azure. 02:0117,00[A ]| Ernest, hand out the buns, said Lady Pedal. 02:0117,00[A ]| 02:0117,00[A ]| The boat. Room, as in the waggonette, for twice as many, three 02:0117,00[A ]| times, four times, at a pinch. A land receding, another approaching, 02:0117,00[A ]| big and little islands. No sound save the oars, the 02:0117,00[A ]| rowlocks, the blue sea against the keel. In the stern-sheets Lady 02:0117,00[A ]| Pedal, sad. What beauty! she murmured. Alone, not understood, 02:0117,00[A ]| good, too good. Taking off her$2$ glove she trailed in the transparent 02:0117,00[A ]| water her$2$ sapphire-laden hand. Four oars, no rudder, 02:0117,00[A ]| the oars steer. My creatures, what of them? Nothing. They are 02:0117,00[A ]| there, each as best he can, as best he can be$1$ somewhere. Lemuel 02:0117,00[A ]| watches the mountains rising behind the steeples beyond the 02:0117,00[A ]| harbor, no they are no more 02:0117,00[A ]| 02:0117,00[A ]| No, they are no more than hills, they raise themselves gently, 02:0117,00[A ]| faintly blue, out of the confused plain. It was there somewhere 02:0117,00[A ]| he was born, in a fine house, of loving parents. Their slopes 02:0117,00[A ]| are covered with ling and furze, its hot yellow bells, better 02:0117,00[A ]| known as gorse. The hammers of the stone-cutters ring all day 02:0117,00[A ]| like bells. 02:0117,00[A ]| 02:0117,00[A ]| The island. A last effort. The islet. The shore facing the open 02:0117,00[A ]| sea is jagged with creeks. One could live there, perhaps happy, 02:0117,35[A ]| if life was a possible thing, but nobody lives there. The deep 02:0117,36[A ]| water comes washing into its heart, between high walls of rock. 02:0118,01[A ]| One day nothing will remain of it but two islands, separated by 02:0118,00[A ]| a gulf, narrow at first, then wider and wider as the centuries 02:0118,00[A ]| slip by, two islands, two reefs. It is difficult to$9$ speak of man, 02:0118,00[A ]| under such conditions. Come, Ernest, said Lady Pedal, let us 02:0118,00[A ]| find a place to$9$ picnic. And you, Maurice, she added, stay by the 02:0118,00[A ]| dinghy. She called that a dinghy. The thin one chafed to$9$ run 02:0118,00[A ]| about, but the youth had thrown himself down in the shade of 02:0118,00[A ]| a rock, like Sordello, but less noble, for Sordello resembled a 02:0118,00[A ]| lion at rest, and clung to$4$ it with both hands. The poor creatures, 02:0118,00[A ]| said Lady Pedal, let them loose. Maurice made to$9$ obey. Keep off, 02:0118,00[A ]| said Lemuel. The giant had refused to$9$ leave the boat, so that 02:0118,00[A ]| the Saxon could not leave it either. Macmann was not free either, 02:0118,00[A ]| Lemuel held him by the waist, perhaps lovingly. Well, said 02:0118,00[A ]| Lady Pedal, you are the one in charge. She moved away with 02:0118,00[A ]| Ernest. Suddenly she turned and said, You know, on the island, 02:0118,00[A ]| there are Druid 02:0118,00[A ]| 02:0118,00[A ]| 02:0118,00[A ]| remains. She looked at them in turn. When we have had our 02:0118,00[A ]| tea, she said, we shall hunt for them, what do you say$1$? Finally 02:0118,00[A ]| she moved away again, followed by Ernest carrying the hamper 02:0118,00[A ]| in his arms. When she had disappeared Lemuel released Macmann, 02:0118,00[A ]| went up behind Maurice who was sitting on a stone 02:0118,00[A ]| filling his pipe and killed him with the hatchet. We are getting on, 02:0118,00[A ]| getting on. The youth and the giant took no notice. The thin 02:0118,00[A ]| one broke his umbrella against the rock, a curious gesture. The 02:0118,00[A ]| Saxon cried, bending forward and slapping his thighs, Nice 02:0118,00[A ]| work, sir, nice work! A little later Ernest came back to$9$ fetch 02:0118,00[A ]| them. Going to$9$ meet him Lemuel killed him in his turn, in the 02:0118,00[A ]| same way as the other. It merely took a little longer. Two decent, 02:0118,00[A ]| quiet, harmless men, brothers-in-law into the bargain, there are 02:0118,00[A ]| billions of such brutes. Macmann's huge head. He has put his hat 02:0118,00[A ]| on again. The voice of Lady Pedal, calling. She appeared, joyous. 02:0118,00[A ]| Come along, she cried, all of you, before the tea gets cold. But 02:0118,00[A ]| at the sight of the late sailors she fainted, which caused her$6$ to$9$ 02:0118,36[A ]| fall. Smash her$6$! screamed the Saxon. She had raised her$2$ veil 02:0119,01[A ]| and was holding in her$2$ hand a tiny sandwich. She must have$1$ 02:0119,00[A ]| broken something in her$2$ fall, her$2$ hip perhaps, old ladies often 02:0119,00[A ]| break their hips, for no sooner had she recovered her$2$ senses 02:0119,00[A ]| than she began to$9$ moan and groan, as if she were the only being 02:0119,00[A ]| on the face of the earth deserving of pity. When the sun had 02:0119,00[A ]| vanished, behind the hills, and the lights of the land began to$9$ 02:0119,00[A ]| glitter, Lemuel made Macmann and the two others get into the 02:0119,00[A ]| boat and got into it himself. Then they set out, all six, from the 02:0119,00[A ]| shore. 02:0119,00[A ]| 02:0119,00[A ]| Gurgles of outflow. 02:0119,00[A ]| 02:0119,00[A ]| 02:0119,00[A ]| This tangle of grey bodies is they. Silent, dim, perhaps clinging 02:0119,00[A ]| to$4$ one another, their heads buried in their cloaks, they lie 02:0119,00[A ]| together in a heap, in the night. They are far out in the bay. 02:0119,00[A ]| Lemuel has shipped his oars, the oars trail in the water. The 02:0119,00[A ]| night is strewn with absurd 02:0119,00[A ]| 02:0119,00[A ]| 02:0119,00[A ]| absurd lights, the stars, the beacons, the buoys, the lights of 02:0119,00[A ]| earth and in the hills the faint fires of the blazing gorse. Macmann, 02:0119,00[A ]| my last, my possessions, I remember, he is there too, 02:0119,00[A ]| perhaps he sleeps. Lemuel 02:0119,00[A ]| 02:0119,00[A ]| 02:0119,00[A ]| Lemuel is in charge, he raises his hatchet on which the blood 02:0119,00[A ]| will never dry, but not to$9$ hit anyone, he will not hit anyone, 02:0119,00[A ]| he will not hit anyone any more, he will not touch anyone any 02:0119,00[A ]| more, either with it or with it or with it or with or 02:0119,00[A ]| 02:0119,00[A ]| 02:0119,00[A ]| or with it or with his hammer or with his stick or with his 02:0119,00[A ]| fist or in thought in dream I mean never he will never 02:0119,00[A ]| 02:0119,00[A ]| 02:0119,00[A ]| or with his pencil or with his stick or 02:0119,00[A ]| 02:0120,01[A ]| or light light I mean 02:0120,02[A ]| 02:0120,03[A ]| never there he will never 02:0120,04[A ]| 02:0120,05[A ]| never anything 02:0120,06[A ]| 02:0120,07[A ]| there 02:0120,08[A ]|