01:0007;00@@@@@| 01:0007;02[A ]| I am in my mother's room. It is I who live there now. I do not know how I 01:0007;03[A ]| got there. Perhaps in a ambulance, certainly a vehicle of some kind. I was 01:0007;00[A ]| helped. I would never have$1$ got there alone. There is this man who comes every week. 01:0007;00[A ]| Perhaps I got here thanks to$4$ him. He says not. He gives me money and takes away 01:0007;00[A ]| the pages. So many pages, so much money. Yes, I work now, a little like I used to$9$, 01:0007;00[A ]| except that I do not know how to$9$ work any more. That does not matter apparently. 01:0007;00[A ]| What I would like now is to$9$ speak of the things that are left, say$1$ my good-byes, finish 01:0007;00[A ]| dying. They do not want that. Yes, there is more than one, apparently. But it is 01:0007;00[A ]| always the same one that comes. You will do$1$ that later, he says. Good. The truth is I 01:0007;00[A ]| have not much will left. When he comes for the fresh pages he brings back the 01:0007;00[A ]| previous week's. They are marked with signs I do not understand. Anyway I do not 01:0007;00[A ]| read them. When I have done nothing he gives me nothing, he scolds me. Yet I 01:0007;00[A ]| do not work for money. For what then? I do not know. The 01:0008;01[A ]| truth is I do not know much. For example my mother's death. Was she already 01:0008;01[A ]| dead when I came? Or did she only die later? I mean enough to$9$ bury. I do not 01:0008;01[A ]| know. Perhaps they have not buried her$6$ yet. In any case I have her$2$ room. I sleep in 01:0008;01[A ]| her$2$ bed. I piss and shit in her$2$ pot. I have taken her$2$ place. I must resemble her$6$ 01:0008;01[A ]| more and more. All I need now is a son. Perhaps I have one somewhere. But I 01:0008;01[A ]| think not. He would be$1$ old now, nearly as old as myself. It was a little 01:0008;01[A ]| chambermaid. It was not true love. The true love was in another. We will come to$4$ 01:0008;01[A ]| that. Her$2$ name? I have forgotten it again. It seems to$4$ me sometimes that I even 01:0008;01[A ]| knew my son, that I helped him. Then I tell myself it is impossible. It is impossible 01:0008;01[A ]| I could ever have$1$ helped anyone. I have forgotten how to$9$ spell too, and half the 01:0008;01[A ]| words. That does not matter apparently. Good. He is a queer one the one who 01:0008;01[A ]| comes to$9$ see me. He comes every Sunday apparently. The other days he is not free. 01:0008;01[A ]| He is always thirsty. It was he told me I had begun all wrong, that I should have$1$ 01:0008;01[A ]| begun differently. He must be$1$ right. I began at the beginning, like a old bullocks, 01:0008;01[A ]| can you imagine that? Here is my beginning. Because they are keeping it 01:0008;01[A ]| apparently. I took a lot of trouble with it. Here it is. It gave me a lot of trouble. It 01:0008;01[A ]| was the beginning, do you understand? Whereas now it is nearly the end. Is what 01:0008;01[A ]| I do now any better? I do not know. That is beside the point. Here is my beginning. 01:0008;01[A ]| It must mean something, or they would not keep it. Here it is. 01:0008;01[A ]| This time, then once more I think, then perhaps a last time, then I think it will 01:0008;01[A ]| be$1$ over, with that world too. Premonition of the last but one but one. All grows 01:0009;01[A ]| dim. A little more and you will go blind. It is in the head. It does not work any 01:0009;01[A ]| more, it says, I do not work any more. You go dumb as well and sounds fade. The 01:0009;01[A ]| threshold scarcely crossed that is how it is. It is the head. It must have$1$ had enough. 01:0009;01[A ]| So that you say, I will manage this time, then perhaps once more, then perhaps a 01:0009;01[A ]| last time, then nothing more. You are hard set to$9$ formulate this thought, for it is 01:0009;01[A ]| one, in a sense. Then you try to$9$ pay attention, to$9$ consider with attention all those 01:0009;01[A ]| dim things, saying to$4$ yourself, laboriously, It is my fault. Fault? That was the 01:0009;01[A ]| word. But what fault? It is not goodbye, and what magic in those dim things to$4$ 01:0009;01[A ]| which it will be$1$ time enough, when next they pass, to$9$ say$1$ goodbye. For you must 01:0009;01[A ]| say$1$ goodbye, it would be$1$ madness not to$9$ say$1$ goodbye, when the time comes. If you 01:0009;01[A ]| think of the forms and light of other days it is without regret. But you seldom 01:0009;01[A ]| think of them, with what would you think of them? I do not know. People pass 01:0009;01[A ]| too, hard to$9$ distinguish from yourself. That is discouraging. So I saw A and C 01:0009;01[A ]| going slowly towards each other, unconscious of what they were doing. It was on 01:0009;01[A ]| a road remarkably bare, I mean without hedges or ditches or any kind of edge, in 01:0009;01[A ]| the country, for cows were chewing in enormous fields, lying and standing, in the 01:0009;01[A ]| evening silence. Perhaps I am inventing a little, perhaps embellishing, but on the 01:0009;01[A ]| whole that is the way it was. They chew, swallow, then after a short pause 01:0009;01[A ]| effortlessly bring up the next mouthful. A neck muscle stirs and the jaws begin to$9$ 01:0009;01[A ]| grind again. But perhaps I am remembering things. The road, hard and white, 01:0009;01[A ]| seared the tender pastures, rose and fell at the whim of hills and hollows. The 01:0009;01[A ]| town was not far. It was two men, unmistakably, 01:0010;01[A ]| one small and one tall. They had left the town, first one, then the other, and 01:0010;01[A ]| then the first, weary or remembering a duty, had retraced his steps. The air was 01:0010;01[A ]| sharp for they wore greatcoats. They looked alike, but no more than others do. At 01:0010;01[A ]| first a wide space lay between them. They could not have$1$ seen each other, even 01:0010;01[A ]| had they raised their heads and looked about, because of this wide space, and then 01:0010;01[A ]| because of the undulating land, which caused the road to$9$ be$1$ in waves, not high, 01:0010;01[A ]| but high enough, high enough. But the moment came when together they went 01:0010;01[A ]| down into the same trough and in this trough finally met. To$9$ say$1$ they knew each 01:0010;01[A ]| other, no, nothing warrants it. But perhaps at the sound of their steps, or warned 01:0010;01[A ]| by some obscure instinct, they raised their heads and observed each other, for a 01:0010;01[A ]| good fifteen paces, before they stopped, breast to$4$ breast. Yes; they did not pass each 01:0010;01[A ]| other by, but halted, face to$4$ face, as in the country, of a evening, on a deserted 01:0010;01[A ]| road, two wayfaring strangers will, without there being anything extraordinary 01:0010;01[A ]| about it. But they knew each other perhaps. Now in any case they do, now I think 01:0010;01[A ]| they will know each other, greet each other, even in the depths of the town. They 01:0010;01[A ]| turned towards the sea which, far in the east, beyond the fields, loomed high in 01:0010;01[A ]| the waning sky, and exchanged a few words. Then each went on his way. Each 01:0010;01[A ]| went on his way, A back towards the town, C on by ways he seemed hardly to$9$ 01:0010;01[A ]| know, or not at all, for he went with uncertain step and often stopped to$9$ look 01:0010;01[A ]| about him, like someone trying to$9$ fix landmarks in his mind, for one day perhaps 01:0010;01[A ]| he may have$1$ to$9$ retrace his steps, you never know. The treacherous hills where 01:0010;01[A ]| fearfully he ventured were no doubt only known to$4$ him 01:0011;01[A ]| from afar, seen perhaps from his bedroom window or from the summit of a 01:0011;01[A ]| monument which, one black day, having nothing in particular to$9$ do$1$ and turning 01:0011;01[A ]| to$4$ height for solace, he had paid his few coppers to$9$ climb, slower and slower, up 01:0011;01[A ]| the winding stones. From there he must have$1$ seen it all, the plain, the sea, and 01:0011;01[A ]| then these selfsame hills that some call mountains, indigo in places in the 01:0011;01[A ]| evening light, their serried ranges crowding to$4$ the skyline, cloven with hidden 01:0011;01[A ]| valleys that the eye divines from sudden shifts of colour and then from other 01:0011;01[A ]| signs for which there are no words, nor even thoughts. But all are not divined, 01:0011;01[A ]| even from that height, and often where only one escarpment is discerned, and 01:0011;01[A ]| one crest, in reality there are two, two escarpments, two crests, riven by a valley. 01:0011;01[A ]| But now he knows these hills, that is to$9$ say$1$ he knows them better, and if ever 01:0011;01[A ]| again he sees them from afar it will be$1$ I think with other eyes, and not only that 01:0011;01[A ]| but the within, all that inner space one never sees, the brain and heart and other 01:0011;01[A ]| caverns where thought and feeling dance their sabbath, all that too quite 01:0011;01[A ]| differently disposed. He looks old and it is a sorry sight to$9$ see him solitary after so 01:0011;01[A ]| many years, so many days and nights unthinkingly given to$4$ that rumour rising at 01:0011;01[A ]| birth and even earlier, What shall I do$1$? What shall I do$1$? now low, a murmur, 01:0011;01[A ]| now precise as the headwaiter's And to$9$ follow? and often rising to$4$ a scream. And 01:0011;01[A ]| in the end, or almost, to$9$ be$1$ abroad alone, by unknown ways, in the gathering 01:0011;01[A ]| night, with a stick. It was a stout stick, he used it to$9$ thrust himself onward, or as a 01:0011;01[A ]| defence, when the time came, against dogs and marauders. Yes, night was 01:0011;01[A ]| gathering, but the man was innocent, greatly innocent, he had nothing to$9$ fear, 01:0011;01[A ]| though he went in fear, 01:0012;01[A ]| he had nothing to$9$ fear, there was nothing they could do$1$ to$4$ him, or very little. 01:0012;01[A ]| But he can not have$1$ known it. I would not know it myself, if I thought about it. Yes, 01:0012;01[A ]| he saw himself threatened, his body threatened, his reason threatened, and 01:0012;01[A ]| perhaps he was, perhaps they were, in spite of his innocence. What business has 01:0012;01[A ]| innocence here? What relation to$4$ the innumerable spirits of darkness? It is not 01:0012;01[A ]| clear. It seemed to$4$ me he wore a cocked hat. I remember being struck by it, as I 01:0012;01[A ]| would not have$1$ been for example by a cap or by a bowler. I watched him recede, 01:0012;01[A ]| overtaken (myself) by his anxiety, at least by a anxiety which was not necessarily 01:0012;01[A ]| his, but of which as it were he partook. Who knows if it was not my own anxiety 01:0012;01[A ]| overtaking him. He had not seen me. I was perched higher than the road's highest 01:0012;01[A ]| point and flattened what is more against a rock the same colour as myself, that is 01:0012;01[A ]| grey. The rock he probably saw. He gazed around as if to$9$ engrave the landmarks 01:0012;01[A ]| on his memory and must have$1$ seen the rock in the shadow of which I crouched 01:0012;01[A ]| like Belacqua, or Sordello, I forget. But a man, a fortiori myself, is not exactly a 01:0012;01[A ]| landmark, because. I mean if by some strange chance he were to$9$ pass that way 01:0012;01[A ]| again, after a long lapse of time, vanquished, or to$9$ look for some lost thing, or to$9$ 01:0012;01[A ]| destroy something, his eyes would search out the rock, not the haphazard in its 01:0012;01[A ]| shadow of that unstable fugitive thing, still living flesh. No, he certainly did not 01:0012;01[A ]| see me, for the reasons I have given and then because he was in no humour for 01:0012;01[A ]| that, that evening, no humour for the living, but rather for all that does not stir, or 01:0012;01[A ]| stirs so slowly that a child would scorn it, let alone a old man. However that 01:0012;01[A ]| may be, I mean whether he saw me or whether he did not, I repeat I watch 01:0013;01[A ]| ed him recede, at grips (myself) with the temptation to$9$ get up and follow him, 01:0013;01[A ]| perhaps even to$9$ catch up with him one day, so as to$9$ know him better, be$1$ myself 01:0013;01[A ]| less lonely. But in spite of my soul's leap out to$4$ him, at the end of its elastic, I saw 01:0013;01[A ]| him only darkly, because of the dark and then because of the terrain, in the folds 01:0013;01[A ]| of which he disappeared from time to$4$ time, to$9$ re-emerge further on, but most of 01:0013;01[A ]| all I think because of other things calling me and towards which too one after the 01:0013;01[A ]| other my soul was straining, wildly. 01:0013;00@@@@@| 01:0013;01[A ]| I mean of course the fields, whitening under 01:0013;01[A ]| the dew, and the animals, ceasing from wandering and settling for the night, and 01:0013;01[A ]| the sea, of which nothing, and the sharpening line of crests, and the sky where 01:0013;01[A ]| without seeing them I felt the first stars tremble, and my hand on my knee and 01:0013;01[A ]| above all the other wayfarer, A or C, I do not remember, going resignedly home. 01:0013;01[A ]| Yes, towards my hand also, which my knee felt tremble and of which my eyes saw 01:0013;01[A ]| the wrist only, the heavily veined back, the pallid rows of knuckles. But that is 01:0013;01[A ]| not, I mean my hand, what I wish to$9$ speak of now, everything in due course, but 01:0013;01[A ]| A or C returning to$4$ the town he had just left. But after all what was there 01:0013;01[A ]| particularly urban in his aspect? He was bare-headed, wore sand-shoes, smoked a 01:0013;01[A ]| cigar. He moved with a kind of loitering indolence which rightly or wrongly 01:0013;01[A ]| seemed to$4$ me expressive. But all that proved nothing, refuted nothing. Perhaps 01:0013;01[A ]| he had come from afar, from the other end of the island even, and was 01:0013;01[A ]| approaching the town for the first time or returning to$4$ it after a long absence. A 01:0013;01[A ]| little dog followed him, a pomeranien I think, but I do not think so. I was not sure 01:0013;01[A ]| at the time and I am still not sure, though I have hardly thought about it. The little 01:0013;01[A ]| dog 01:0014;01[A ]| followed wretchedly, after the fashion of pomeranians, stopping, turning in 01:0014;01[A ]| slow circles, giving up and then, a little further on, beginning all over again. 01:0014;01[A ]| Constipation is a sign of good health in pomeranians. At a given moment, pre-established 01:0014;01[A ]| if you like, I do not much mind, the gentleman turned back, took the 01:0014;01[A ]| little creature in his arms, drew the cigar from his lips and buried his face in the 01:0014;01[A ]| orange fleece, for it was a gentleman, that was obvious. Yes, it was a orange 01:0014;01[A ]| pomeranian, the less I think of it the more certain I am. And yet. But would he 01:0014;01[A ]| have$1$ come from afar, bare-headed, in sand-shoes, smoking a cigar, followed by a 01:0014;01[A ]| pomeranian? Did, he not seem rather to$9$ have$1$ issued from the ramparts, after a 01:0014;01[A ]| good dinner, to$4$ take his dog and himself for a walk, like so many citizens, 01:0014;01[A ]| dreaming and farting, when the weather is fine? But was not perhaps in reality 01:0014;01[A ]| the cigar a cutty, and were not the sand-shoes boots, hobnailed, dust-whitened, 01:0014;01[A ]| and what prevented the dog from being one of those stray dogs that you pick up 01:0014;01[A ]| and take in your arms, from compassion or because you have long been straying 01:0014;01[A ]| with no other company than the endless roads, sands, shingle, bogs and heather, 01:0014;01[A ]| than this nature answerable to$4$ another court, than at long intervals the fellow-convict 01:0014;01[A ]| you long to$9$ stop, embrace, suck, suckle and whom you pass by, with 01:0014;01[A ]| hostile eyes, for fear of his familiarities? Until the day when, your endurance 01:0014;01[A ]| gone, in this world for you without arms, you catch up in yours the first mangy 01:0014;01[A ]| cur you meet, carry it the time needed for it to$9$ love you and you it, then throw it 01:0014;01[A ]| away. Perhaps he had come to$4$ that, in spite of appearances. He disappeared, his 01:0014;01[A ]| head on his chest, the smoking object in his hand. Let me try and explain. From 01:0014;01[A ]| things about to$9$ 01:0015;01[A ]| disappear I turn away in time. To$9$ watch them out of sight, no, I can not do$1$ it. It 01:0015;01[A ]| was in this sense he disappeared. Looking away I thought of him, saying, He is 01:0015;01[A ]| dwindling, dwindling. I knew what I meant. I knew I could catch him, lame as I 01:0015;01[A ]| was. I had only to$9$ want to$9$. And yet no, for I did want to$9$. To$9$ get up, to$9$ get down on 01:0015;01[A ]| the road, to$9$ set off hobbling in pursuit of him, to$9$ hail him, what could be$1$ easier? 01:0015;01[A ]| He hears my cries, turns, waits for me. I am up against him, up against the dog, 01:0015;01[A ]| gasping, between my crutches. He is a little frightened of me, a little sorry for me, 01:0015;01[A ]| I disgust him not a little. I am not a pretty sight, I do not smell good. What is it I 01:0015;01[A ]| want? Ah that tone I know, compounded of pity, of fear, of disgust. I want to$9$ see 01:0015;01[A ]| the dog, see the man, at close quarters, know what smokes, inspect the shoes, find 01:0015;01[A ]| out other things. He is kind, tells me of this and that and other things, whence he 01:0015;01[A ]| comes, whither he goes. I believe him, I know it is my only chance to$9$ ~~ my only 01:0015;01[A ]| chance, I believe all I am told, I have disbelieved only too much in my long life, now 01:0015;01[A ]| I swallow everything, greedily. What I need now is stories, it took me a long time 01:0015;01[A ]| to$9$ know that, and I am not sure of it. There I am then, informed as to$4$ certain 01:0015;01[A ]| things, knowing certain things about him, things I did not know, things I had 01:0015;01[A ]| craved to$9$ know, things I had never thought of. What rigmarole. I am even 01:0015;01[A ]| capable of having learnt what his profession is, I who am so interested in 01:0015;01[A ]| professions. And to$9$ think I try my best not to$9$ talk about myself. In a moment I 01:0015;01[A ]| shall talk about the cows, about the sky, if I can. There I am then, he leaves me, 01:0015;01[A ]| he is in a hurry. He did not seem to$9$ be$1$ in a hurry, he was loitering, I have already said 01:0015;01[A ]| so; but after three minutes of me he is in a hurry, he has 01:0016;01[A ]| to$9$ hurry. I believe him. And once again I am I will not say$1$ alone, no, that is not 01:0016;01[A ]| like me, but, how shall I say$1$, I do not know, restored to$4$ myself, no, I never left 01:0016;01[A ]| myself, free, yes, I do not know what that means but it is the word I mean to$9$ use, 01:0016;01[A ]| free to$9$ do$1$ what, to$9$ do$1$ nothing, to$9$ know, but what, the laws of the mind perhaps, 01:0016;01[A ]| of my mind, that for example water rises in proportion as it drowns you and that 01:0016;01[A ]| you would do$1$ better, at least no worse, to$9$ obliterate texts than to$9$ blacken margins, 01:0016;01[A ]| to$9$ fill in the holes of words till all is blank and flat and the whole ghastly business 01:0016;01[A ]| looks like what it is, senseless, speechless, issueless misery. So I doubtless did 01:0016;01[A ]| better, at least no worse, not to$9$ stir from my observation post. But instead of 01:0016;01[A ]| observing I had the weakness to$9$ return in spirit to$4$ the other, the man with the 01:0016;01[A ]| stick. Then the murmurs began again. To$9$ restore silence is the role of objects. I 01:0016;01[A ]| said, Who knows if he has not simply come out to$9$ take the air, relax, stretch his 01:0016;01[A ]| legs, cool his brain by stamping the blood down to$4$ his feet, so as to$9$ make sure of a 01:0016;01[A ]| good night, a joyous awakening, a enchanted morrow. Was he carrying so much 01:0016;01[A ]| as a scrip? But the way of walking, the anxious looks, the club, could these be$1$ 01:0016;01[A ]| reconciled with one's conception of what is called a little turn? But the hat, a 01:0016;01[A ]| town hat, a old-fashioned town hat, which the least gust would carry far away. 01:0016;01[A ]| Unless it was attached under the chin, by means of a string or a elastic. I took off 01:0016;01[A ]| my hat and looked at it. It is fastened, it has always been fastened, to$4$ my 01:0016;01[A ]| buttonhole, always the same buttonhole, at all seasons, by a long lace. I am still 01:0016;01[A ]| alive then. That may come in useful. The hand that held the hat I thrust as far as 01:0016;01[A ]| possible from me and moved in a arc, to$8$ and fro. As I did so, I 01:0017;01[A ]| watched the lapel of my greatcoat and saw it open and close. I understand now 01:0017;01[A ]| why I never wore a flower in my buttonhole, though it was large enough to$9$ hold 01:0017;01[A ]| a whole nosegay. My buttonhole was set aside for my hat. It was my hat that I 01:0017;01[A ]| beflowered. But it is neither of my hat nor of my greatcoat that I hope to$9$ speak at 01:0017;01[A ]| present, it would be$1$ premature. Doubtless I shall. speak of them later, when the 01:0017;01[A ]| time comes to$9$ draw up the inventory of my goods and possessions. Unless I lose 01:0017;01[A ]| them between now and then. But even lost they will have$1$ their place, in the 01:0017;01[A ]| inventory of my possessions. But I am easy in my mind, I shall not lose them. 01:0017;01[A ]| Nor my crutches, I shall not lose my crutches either. But I shall perhaps one day 01:0017;01[A ]| throw them away. I must have$1$ been on the top, or on the slopes, of some 01:0017;01[A ]| considerable eminence, for otherwise how could I have$1$ seen, so far away, so near 01:0017;01[A ]| at hand, so far beneath, so many things, fixed and moving. But what was a 01:0017;01[A ]| eminence doing in this land with hardly a ripple? And I, what was I doing there, 01:0017;01[A ]| and why come? These are things that we shall try and discover. But these are 01:0017;01[A ]| things we must not take seriously. There is a little of everything, apparently, in 01:0017;01[A ]| nature, and freaks are common. And I am perhaps confusing several different 01:0017;01[A ]| occasions, and different times, deep down, and deep down is my dwelling, oh 01:0017;01[A ]| not deepest down, somewhere between the mud and the scum. And perhaps it 01:0017;01[A ]| was A one day at one place, then C another at another, then a third the rock and I, 01:0017;01[A ]| and so on for the other components, the cows, the sky, the sea, the mountains. I 01:0017;01[A ]| can not believe it. No, I will not lie, I can easily conceive it. No matter, no matter, let 01:0017;01[A ]| us go on, as if all arose from one and the same weariness, on and on heaping up 01:0017;01[A ]| and 01:0018;01[A ]| up, until there is no room, no light, for any more. What is certain is that the 01:0018;01[A ]| man with the stick did not pass by again that night, because I would have$1$ heard 01:0018;01[A ]| him, if he had. I do not say$1$ I would have$1$ seen him, I say I would have$1$ heard him. I 01:0018;01[A ]| sleep little and that little by day. Oh not systematically, in my life without end I 01:0018;01[A ]| have dabbled with every kind of sleep, but at the time now coming back to$4$ me I 01:0018;01[A ]| took my doze in the daytime and, what is more, in the morning. Let me hear 01:0018;01[A ]| nothing of the moon, in my night there is no moon, and if it happens that I speak 01:0018;01[A ]| of the stars it is by mistake. Now of all the noises that night not one was of those 01:0018;01[A ]| heavy uncertain steps, or of that club with which he sometimes smote the earth 01:0018;01[A ]| until it quaked. How agreeable it is to$9$ be$1$ confirmed, after a more or less long 01:0018;01[A ]| period of vacillation, in one's first impressions. Perhaps that is what tempers the 01:0018;01[A ]| pangs of death. Not that I was so conclusively, I mean confirmed, in my first 01:0018;01[A ]| impressions with regard to$4$ ~~ wait ~~ C. For the wagons and carts which a little 01:0018;01[A ]| before dawn went thundering by, on their way to$4$ market with fruit, eggs, butter 01:0018;01[A ]| and perhaps cheese, in one of these perhaps he would have$1$ been found, 01:0018;01[A ]| overcome by fatigue or discouragement, perhaps even dead. Or he might have$1$ 01:0018;01[A ]| gone back to$4$ the town by another way too far away for me to$9$ hear its sounds, or by 01:0018;01[A ]| little paths through the fields, crushing the silent grass, pounding the silent 01:0018;01[A ]| ground. And so at last I came out of that distant night, divided between the 01:0018;01[A ]| murmurs of my little world, its dutiful confusions, and those so different (so 01:0018;01[A ]| different?) of all that between two suns abides and passes away. Never once a 01:0018;01[A ]| human voice. But the cows, when the peasants passed, crying in vain to$9$ be$1$ 01:0018;01[A ]| milked. A and 01:0019;01[A ]| C I never saw again. But perhaps I shall see them again. But shall I be$1$ able to$9$ 01:0019;01[A ]| recognise them? And am I sure I never saw them again? And what do I mean by 01:0019;01[A ]| seeing and seeing again? a instant of silence, as when the conductor taps on his 01:0019;01[A ]| stand, raises his arms, before the unanswerable clamour. Smoke, sticks, flesh, 01:0019;01[A ]| hair, at evening, afar, flung about the craving for a fellow. I know how to$9$ 01:0019;01[A ]| summon these rags to$9$ cover my shame. I wonder what that means. But I shall 01:0019;01[A ]| not always be$1$ in need. 01:0019;00@@@@@| 01:0019;01[A ]| But talking of the craving for a fellow let me observe that 01:0019;01[A ]| having waked between eleven o'clock and midday (I heard the angelus, recalling 01:0019;01[A ]| the incarnation, shortly after) I resolved to$9$ go and see my mother. I needed, 01:0019;01[A ]| before I could resolve to$9$ go and see that woman, reasons of a urgent nature, and 01:0019;01[A ]| with such reasons, since I did not know what to$9$ do$1$, or where to$9$ go, it was child's 01:0019;01[A ]| play for me, the play of a only child, to$9$ fill my mind until it was rid of all other 01:0019;01[A ]| preoccupation and I seized with a trembling at the mere idea of being hindered 01:0019;01[A ]| from going there, I mean to$4$ my mother, there and then. So I got up, adjusted my 01:0019;01[A ]| crutches and went down to$4$ the road, where I found my bicycle (I did not know I 01:0019;01[A ]| had one) in the same place I must have$1$ left it. Which enables me to$9$ remark that, 01:0019;01[A ]| crippled though I was, I was no mean cyclist, at that period. This is how I went 01:0019;01[A ]| about it. I fastened my crutches to$4$ the cross-bar, one on either side, I propped the 01:0019;01[A ]| foot of my stiff leg (I forget which, now they are both stiff) on the projecting front 01:0019;01[A ]| axle, and I pedalled with the other. It was a chainless bicycle, with a free-wheel, if 01:0019;01[A ]| such a bicycle exists. Dear bicycle, I shall not call you bike, you were green, like so 01:0019;01[A ]| many of your generation, I do not know why. It is a 01:0020;01[A ]| pleasure to$9$ meet it again. To$9$ describe it at length would be$1$ a pleasure. It had a 01:0020;01[A ]| little red horn instead of the bell fashionable in your days. To$9$ blow this horn was 01:0020;01[A ]| for me a real pleasure, almost a vice. I will go further and declare that if I were 01:0020;01[A ]| obliged to$9$ record, in a roll of honour, those activities which in the course of my 01:0020;01[A ]| interminable existence have given me only a mild pain in the balls, the blowing 01:0020;01[A ]| of a rubber horn ~~ toot ! ~~ would figure among the first. And when I had to$9$ part 01:0020;01[A ]| from my bicycle I took off the horn and kept it about me. I believe I have it still, 01:0020;01[A ]| somewhere, and if I blow it no more it is because it has gone dumb. Even motor-cars 01:0020;01[A ]| have no horns nowadays, as I understand the thing, or rarely. When I see 01:0020;01[A ]| one, through the lowered window of a stationary car, I often stop and blow it. 01:0020;01[A ]| This should all be$1$ re-written in the pluperfect. What a rest to$9$ speak of bicycles and 01:0020;01[A ]| horns. Unfortunately it is not of them I have to$9$ speak, but of her$6$ who brought me 01:0020;01[A ]| into the world, through the hole in her$2$ arse if my memory is correct. First taste of 01:0020;01[A ]| the shit. So I shall only add that every hundred yards or so I stopped to$9$ rest my 01:0020;01[A ]| legs, the good one as well as the bad, and not only my legs, not only my legs. I 01:0020;01[A ]| did not properly speaking get down off the machine, I remained astride it, my feet 01:0020;01[A ]| on the ground, my arms on the handle-bars, my head on my arms, and I waited 01:0020;01[A ]| until I felt better. But before I leave this earthly paradise, suspended between the 01:0020;01[A ]| mountains and the sea, sheltered from certain winds and exposed to$4$ all that 01:0020;01[A ]| Auster vents, in the way of scents and langours, on this accursed country, it 01:0020;01[A ]| would ill become me not to$9$ mention the awful cries of the corncrakes that run in 01:0020;01[A ]| the corn, in the meadows, all the short summer night long, dinning their rattles. 01:0021;01[A ]| And this enables me, what is more, to$9$ know when that unreal journey began, 01:0021;01[A ]| the second last but one of a form fading among fading forms, and which I here 01:0021;01[A ]| declare without further ado to$9$ have$1$ begun in the second or third week of June, at 01:0021;01[A ]| the moment that is to$9$ say$1$ most painful of all when over what is called our 01:0021;01[A ]| hemisphere the sun is at its pitilessmost and the arctic radiance comes pissing on 01:0021;01[A ]| our midnights. It is then the corncrakes are heard. My mother never refused to$9$ 01:0021;01[A ]| see me, that is she never refused to$9$ receive me, for it was many a long day since 01:0021;01[A ]| she had seen anything at all. I shall try and speak calmly. We were so old, she and 01:0021;01[A ]| I, she had had me so young, that we were like a couple of old cronies, sexless, 01:0021;01[A ]| unrelated, with the same memories, the same rancours, the same expectations. 01:0021;01[A ]| She never called me son, fortunately, I could not have$1$ borne it, but Dan, I do not 01:0021;01[A ]| know why, my name is not Dan. Dan was my father's name perhaps, yes, perhaps 01:0021;01[A ]| she took me for my father. I took her$6$ for my mother and she took me for my 01:0021;01[A ]| father. Dan, you remember the day I saved the swallow. Dan, you remember the 01:0021;01[A ]| day you buried the ring. I remembered, I remembered, I mean I knew more or 01:0021;01[A ]| less what she was talking about, and if I had not always taken part personally in 01:0021;01[A ]| the scenes she evoked, it was just as if I had. I called her$6$ Mag, when I had to$9$ call 01:0021;01[A ]| her$6$ something. And I called her$6$ Mag because for me, without my knowing why, 01:0021;01[A ]| the letter g abolished the syllable Ma, and as it were spat on it, better than any 01:0021;01[A ]| other letter would have$1$ done. And at the same time I satisfied a deep and 01:0021;01[A ]| doubtless unacknowledged need, the need to$9$ have$1$ a Ma, that is a mother, and to$9$ 01:0021;01[A ]| proclaim it, audibly. For before you say mag you say ma, inevitably. And da, in 01:0021;01[A ]| my 01:0022;01[A ]| part of the world, means father. Besides for me the question did not arise, at the 01:0022;01[A ]| period I am worming into now, I mean the question of whether to$9$ call her$6$ Ma, 01:0022;01[A ]| Mag or the Countess Caca, she having for countless years been as deaf as a post. I 01:0022;01[A ]| think she was quite incontinent, both of faeces and water, but a kind of 01:0022;01[A ]| prudishness made us avoid the subject when we met, and I could never be$1$ 01:0022;01[A ]| certain of it. In any case it can not have$1$ amounted to$4$ much, a few niggardly wetted 01:0022;01[A ]| goat-droppings every two or three days. The room smelt of ammonia, oh not 01:0022;01[A ]| merely of ammonia, but of ammonia, ammonia. She knew it was me, by my 01:0022;01[A ]| smell. Her$2$ shrunken hairy old face lit up, she was happy to$9$ smell me. She 01:0022;01[A ]| jabbered away with a rattle of dentures and most of the time did not realize what 01:0022;01[A ]| she was saying. Anyone but myself would have$1$ been lost in this clattering gabble, 01:0022;01[A ]| which can only have$1$ stopped during her$2$ brief instants of unconsciousness. In any 01:0022;01[A ]| case I did not come to$9$ listen to$4$ her$6$. I got into communication with her$6$ by knocking 01:0022;01[A ]| on her$2$ skull. One knock meant yes, two no, three I do not know, four money, five 01:0022;01[A ]| goodbye. I was hard put to$9$ ram this code into her$2$ ruined and frantic 01:0022;01[A ]| understanding, but I did it, in the end. That she should confuse yes, no, I do not 01:0022;01[A ]| know and goodbye, was all the same to$4$ me, I confused them myself. But that she 01:0022;01[A ]| should associate the four knocks with anything but money was something to$9$ be$1$ 01:0022;01[A ]| avoided at all costs. During the period of training therefore, at the same time as I 01:0022;01[A ]| administered the four knocks on her$2$ skull, I stuck a bank-note under her$2$ nose or 01:0022;01[A ]| in her$2$ mouth. In the innocence of my heart! For she seemed to$9$ have$1$ lost, if not 01:0022;01[A ]| absolutely all notion of mensuration, at least the faculty of counting beyond two. 01:0022;01[A ]| It was too far for her$6$, 01:0023;01[A ]| yes the distance was too great, from one to$4$ four. By the time she came to$4$ the 01:0023;01[A ]| fourth knock she imagined she was only at the second, the first two having been 01:0023;01[A ]| erased from her$2$ memory as completely as if they had never been felt, though I 01:0023;01[A ]| do not quite see!how something never felt can be$1$ erased from the memory, and 01:0023;01[A ]| yet it is a common occurrence. She must have$1$ thought I was saying no to$4$ her$6$ all 01:0023;01[A ]| the time, whereas nothing was further from my purpose. Enlightened by these 01:0023;01[A ]| considerations I looked for and finally found a more effective means of putting 01:0023;01[A ]| tic idea of money into her$2$ head. This consisted in replacing the four knocks of my 01:0023;01[A ]| index-knuckle by one or more (according to$4$ my needs) thumps of the fist, on her$2$ 01:0023;01[A ]| skull. That she understood . In any case I did not come for money. I took her$2$ 01:0023;01[A ]| money, but I did not come for that. My mother. I do not think too harshly of her$6$. I 01:0023;01[A ]| know she did all she could not to$9$ have$1$ me, except of course the one thing, and if 01:0023;01[A ]| she never succeeded in getting me unstuck, it was that fate had earmarked me for 01:0023;01[A ]| less compassionate sewers. But it was well-meant and that is enough for me. No it 01:0023;01[A ]| is not enough for me, but I give her$6$ credit, though she is my mother, for what she 01:0023;01[A ]| tried to$9$ do$1$ for me. And I forgive her$6$ for having jostled me a little in the first 01:0023;01[A ]| months and spoiled the only endurable, just endurable, period of my enormous 01:0023;01[A ]| history. And I also give her$6$ credit for not having done it again, thanks to$4$ me, or 01:0023;01[A ]| for having stopped in time, when she did. And if ever I am reduced to$4$ looking for 01:0023;01[A ]| a meaning to$4$ my life, you never can tell, it is in that old mess I will stick my nose to$9$ 01:0023;01[A ]| begin with, the mess of that poor old uniparous whore and myself the last of my 01:0023;01[A ]| foul brood, neither man nor beast. I should add, before I get down to$4$ the facts, 01:0024;01[A ]| you would swear they were facts, of that distant summer afternoon, that with this 01:0024;01[A ]| deaf blind impotent mad old woman, who called me Dan and whom I called 01:0024;01[A ]| Mag, and with her$6$ alone, I ~~ no, I can not say$1$ it. That is to$9$ say$1$ I could say$1$ it but I 01:0024;01[A ]| will not say$1$ it, yes, I could say$1$ it easily, because it would not be$1$ true. What did I see of 01:0024;01[A ]| her$6$? A head always, the hands sometimes, the arms rarely. A head always. Veiled 01:0024;01[A ]| with hair, wrinkles, filth, slobber. A head that darkened the air. Not that seeing 01:0024;01[A ]| matters, but it is something to$9$ go on with. It was I who took the key from under 01:0024;01[A ]| the pillow, who took the money out of the drawer, who put the key back under 01:0024;01[A ]| the pillow. But I did not come for money. I think there was a woman who came 01:0024;01[A ]| each week. Once I touched with my lips, vaguely, hastily, that little grey wizened 01:0024;01[A ]| pear. Pah. Did that please her$6$? I do not know. Her$2$ babble stopped for a second, then 01:0024;01[A ]| began again. Perhaps she said to$4$ herself, Pah. I smelt a terrible smell. It must have$1$ 01:0024;01[A ]| come from the bowels. Odour of antiquity. Oh I am not criticizing her$6$, I do not 01:0024;01[A ]| diffuse the perfumes of Araby myself. Shall I describe the room? No. I shall have$1$ 01:0024;01[A ]| occasion to$9$ do$1$ so later perhaps. When I seek refuge there, bet to$4$ the world, all 01:0024;01[A ]| shame drunk, my prick in my rectum, who knows. Good. Now that we know 01:0024;01[A ]| where we are going, let us go there. It is so nice to$9$ know where you are going, in the 01:0024;01[A ]| early stages. It almost rids you of the wish to$9$ go there. 01:0024;00@@@@@| 01:0024;01[A ]| I was distraught, who am so 01:0024;01[A ]| seldom distraught, from what should I be$1$ distraught, and as to$4$ my motions even 01:0024;01[A ]| more uncertain than usual. The night must have$1$ tired me, at least weakened me, 01:0024;01[A ]| and the sun, hoisting itself higher and higher in the east, had poisoned me, while 01:0024;01[A ]| I slept. 01:0025;01[A ]| I ought to$9$ have$1$ put the bulk of the rock between it and me before closing my 01:0025;01[A ]| eyes. I confuse east and west, the poles too, I invert them readily. I was out of 01:0025;01[A ]| sorts. They are deep, my sorts, a deep ditch, and I am not often out of them. That is 01:0025;01[A ]| why I mention it. Nevertheless I covered several miles and found myself under 01:0025;01[A ]| the ramparts. There I dismounted in compliance with the regulations. Yes, 01:0025;01[A ]| cyclists entering and leaving town are required by the police to$9$ dismount, cars to$9$ 01:0025;01[A ]| go into bottom gear and horsedrawn vehicles to$9$ slow down to$4$ a walk. The reason 01:0025;01[A ]| for this regulation is I think this, that the ways into and of course out of this town 01:0025;01[A ]| are narrow and darkened by enormous vaults, without exception. It is a good rule 01:0025;01[A ]| and I observe it religiously, in spite of the difficulty I have in advancing on my 01:0025;01[A ]| crutches pushing my bicycle at the same time. I managed somehow. Being 01:0025;01[A ]| ingenious. Thus we cleared these difficult straits, my bicycle and I, together. But a 01:0025;01[A ]| little further on I heard myself hailed. I raised my head and saw a policeman. 01:0025;01[A ]| Elliptically speaking, for it was only later, by way of induction, or deduction, I 01:0025;01[A ]| forget which, that I knew what it was. What are you doing there? he said. I am 01:0025;01[A ]| used to$4$ that question, I understood it immediately. Resting, I said. Resting, he 01:0025;01[A ]| said. Resting, I said. Will you answer my question? he cried. So it always is when 01:0025;01[A ]| I am reduced to$4$ confabulation, I honestly believe I have answered the question I 01:0025;01[A ]| am asked and in reality I do nothing of the kind. I will not reconstruct the 01:0025;01[A ]| conversation in all its meanderings. It ended in my understanding that my way 01:0025;01[A ]| of resting, my attitude when at rest, astride my bicycle, my arms on the 01:0025;01[A ]| handlebars, my head on my arms, was a violation of I do not know 01:0026;01[A ]| what, public order, public decency. Modestly I pointed to$4$ my crutches and 01:0026;01[A ]| ventured one or two noises regarding my infirmity, which obliged me to$9$ rest as I 01:0026;01[A ]| could, rather than as I should. But there are not two laws, that was the next thing 01:0026;01[A ]| I thought I understood, not two laws, one for the healthy, another for the sick, but 01:0026;01[A ]| one only to$4$ which all must bow, rich and poor, young and old, happy and sad. He 01:0026;01[A ]| was eloquent. I pointed out that I was not sad. That was a mistake. Your papers, 01:0026;01[A ]| he said, I knew it a moment later. Not at all, I said, not at all. Your papers ! he 01:0026;01[A ]| cried. Ah my papers. Now the only papers I carry with me are bits of newspaper to$9$ 01:0026;01[A ]| wipe myself, you understand, when I have a stool. Oh I do not say$1$ I wipe myself 01:0026;01[A ]| every time I have a stool, no, but I like to$9$ be$1$ in a position to$9$ do$1$ so, if I have to$9$. 01:0026;01[A ]| Nothing strange about that, it seems to$4$ me. In a panic I took this paper from my 01:0026;01[A ]| pocket and thrust it under his nose. The weather was fine. We took the little side 01:0026;01[A ]| streets, quiet, sunlit, I springing along between my crutches, he pushing my 01:0026;01[A ]| bicycle, with the tips of his white-gloved fingers. I was not ~~ I did not feel unhappy. I 01:0026;01[A ]| stopped a moment, I made so bold, to$9$ lift my hand and touch the crown of my 01:0026;01[A ]| hat. It was scorching. I felt the faces turning to$9$ look after us, calm faces and joyful 01:0026;01[A ]| faces, faces of men, of women and of children. I seemed to$9$ hear, at a certain 01:0026;01[A ]| moment, a distant music. I stopped, the better to$9$ listen. Go on, he said. Listen, I 01:0026;01[A ]| said. Get on, he said. I was not allowed to$9$ listen to$4$ the music. It might have$1$ drawn 01:0026;01[A ]| a crowd. He gave me a shove. I had been touched, oh not my skin, but none the 01:0026;01[A ]| less my skin had felt it, it had felt a man's hard fist, through its coverings. While 01:0026;01[A ]| still putting my best foot foremost 01:0027;01[A ]| I gave myself up to$4$ that golden moment, as if I had been someone else. It was 01:0027;01[A ]| the hour of rest, the forenoon's toil ended, the afternoon's to$9$ come. The wisest 01:0027;01[A ]| perhaps, lying in the squares or sitting on their doorsteps, were savouring its 01:0027;01[A ]| languid ending, forgetful of recent cares, indifferent to$4$ those at hand. Others on 01:0027;01[A ]| the contrary were using it to$9$ hatch their plans, their heads in their hands. Was 01:0027;01[A ]| there one among them to$9$ put himself in my place, to$9$ feel how removed I was 01:0027;01[A ]| then from him I seemed to$9$ be, and in that remove what strain, as of hawsers 01:0027;01[A ]| about to$9$ snap? It is possible. Yes, I was straining towards those spurious deeps, 01:0027;01[A ]| their lying promise of gravity and peace, from all my old poisons I struggled 01:0027;01[A ]| towards them, safely bound. Under the blue sky, under the watchful gaze. 01:0027;01[A ]| Forgetful of my mother, set free from the act, merged in this alien hour, saying, 01:0027;01[A ]| Respite, respite. At the police station I was haled before a very strange official. 01:0027;01[A ]| Dressed in plain-clothes, in his shirtsleeves, he was sprawling in a arm-chair, 01:0027;01[A ]| his feet on his desk, a straw hat on his head and protruding from his mouth a 01:0027;01[A ]| thin flexible object I could not identify. I had time to$9$ become aware of these 01:0027;01[A ]| details before he dismissed me. He listened to$4$ his subordinate's report and then 01:0027;01[A ]| began to$9$ interrogate me in a tone which, from the point of view of civility, left 01:0027;01[A ]| increasingly to$9$ be$1$ desired, in my opinion. Between his questions and my answers, 01:0027;01[A ]| I mean those deserving of consideration, the intervals were more or less long and 01:0027;01[A ]| turbulent. I am so little used to$4$ being asked anything that when I am asked 01:0027;01[A ]| something I take some time to$9$ know what. And the mistake I make then is this, 01:0027;01[A ]| that instead of quietly reflecting on what I have just heard, and heard distinctly, 01:0027;01[A ]| not being hard of hearing, 01:0028;01[A ]| in spite of all I have heard, I hasten to$9$ answer blindly, fearing perhaps lest my 01:0028;01[A ]| silence fan their anger to$4$ fury. I am full of fear, I have gone in fear all my life, in 01:0028;01[A ]| fear of blows. Insults, abuse, these I can easily bear, but I could never get used to$4$ 01:0028;01[A ]| blows. It is strange. Even spits still pain me. But they have only to$9$ be$1$ a little gentle, 01:0028;01[A ]| I mean refrain from hitting me, and I seldom fail to$9$ give satisfaction, in the long 01:0028;01[A ]| run. Now the sergeant, content to$9$ threaten me with a cylindrical ruler, was little 01:0028;01[A ]| by little rewarded for his pains by the discovery that I had no papers in the sense 01:0028;01[A ]| this word had a sense for him, nor any occupation, nor any domicile, that my 01:0028;01[A ]| surname escaped me for the moment and that I was on my way to$4$ my mother, 01:0028;01[A ]| whose charity kept me dying. As to$4$ her$2$ address, I was in the dark, but knew how 01:0028;01[A ]| to$9$ get there, even in the dark. The district? By the shambles your honor, for from 01:0028;01[A ]| my mother's room, through the closed windows, I had heard, stilling her$2$ chatter, 01:0028;01[A ]| the bellowing of the cattle, that violent raucous tremulous bellowing not of the 01:0028;01[A ]| pastures but of the towns, their shambles and cattle-markets. Yes, after all, I had 01:0028;01[A ]| perhaps gone too far in saying that my mother lived near the shambles, it could 01:0028;01[A ]| equally well have been the cattle-market, near which she lived. Never mind, said 01:0028;01[A ]| the sergeant, it is the same district. I took advantage of the silence which followed 01:0028;01[A ]| these kind words to$9$ turn towards the window, blindly or nearly, for I had closed 01:0028;01[A ]| my eyes, proffering to$4$ that blandness of blue and gold my face and neck alone, 01:0028;01[A ]| and my mind empty too, or nearly, for I must have$1$ been wondering if I did not 01:0028;01[A ]| feel like sitting down, after such a long time standing, and remembering what I 01:0028;01[A ]| had learnt in that connexion, 01:0029;01[A ]| namely that the sitting posture was not for me any more, because of my short 01:0029;01[A ]| stiff leg, and that there were only two postures for me any more, the vertical, 01:0029;01[A ]| drooping between my crutches, sleeping on my feet, and the horizontal, down on 01:0029;01[A ]| the ground. And yet the desire to$9$ sit down came upon me from time to$4$ time, back 01:0029;01[A ]| upon me from a vanished world. And I did not always resist it, forewarned 01:0029;01[A ]| though I was. Yes, my mind felt it surely, this tiny sediment, incomprehensibly 01:0029;01[A ]| stirring like grit at the bottom of a puddle, while on my face and great big Adam's 01:0029;01[A ]| apple the air of summer weighed and the splendid summer sky. 01:0029;00@@@@@| 01:0029;01[A ]| And suddenly I 01:0029;01[A ]| remembered my name, Molloy. My name is Molloy, I cried, all of a sudden, now I 01:0029;01[A ]| remember. Nothing compelled me to$9$ give this information, but I gave it, hoping 01:0029;01[A ]| to$9$ please I suppose. They let me keep my hat on, I do not know why. Is it your 01:0029;01[A ]| mother's name? said the sergeant, it must have$1$ been a sergeant. Molloy, I cried, 01:0029;01[A ]| my name is Molloy. Is that your mother's name? said the sergeant. What? I said. 01:0029;01[A ]| Your name is Molloy, said the sergeant. Yes, I said, now I remember. And your 01:0029;01[A ]| mother? said the sergeant. I did not follow. Is your mother's name Molloy too? 01:0029;01[A ]| said the sergeant. I thought it over. Your mother, said the sergeant, is your 01:0029;01[A ]| mother's ~~ Let me think! I cried. At least I imagine that is how it was. Take your 01:0029;01[A ]| time, said the sergeant. Was mother's name Molloy? Very likely. Her$2$ name must 01:0029;01[A ]| be$1$ Molloy too, I said. They took me away, to$4$ the guardroom I suppose, and there I 01:0029;01[A ]| was told to$9$ sit down. I must have$1$ tried to$9$ explain. I will not go into it. I obtained 01:0029;01[A ]| permission, if not to$9$ lie down on a bench, at least to$9$ remain standing, propped 01:0029;01[A ]| against the wall. The room was dark 01:0030;01[A ]| and full of people hastening to$8$ and fro, malefactors, policemen, lawyers, priests 01:0030;01[A ]| and journalists I suppose. All that made a dark, dark forms crowding in a dark 01:0030;01[A ]| place. They paid no attention to$4$ me and I repaid the compliment. Then how 01:0030;01[A ]| could I know they were paying no attention to$4$ me, and how could I repay the 01:0030;01[A ]| compliment, since they were paying no attention to$4$ me? I do not know. I knew it 01:0030;01[A ]| and I did it, that is all I know. But suddenly a woman rose up before me, a big fat 01:0030;01[A ]| woman dressed in black, or rather in mauve. I still wonder today if it was not the 01:0030;01[A ]| social worker. She was holding out to$4$ me, on a odd saucer, a mug full of a 01:0030;01[A ]| greyish concoction which must have$1$ been green tea with saccharine and 01:0030;01[A ]| powdered milk. Nor was that all, for between mug and saucer a thick slab of dry 01:0030;01[A ]| bread was precariously lodged, so that I began to$9$ say$1$, in a kind of anguish, It is 01:0030;01[A ]| going to$9$ fall, it is going to$9$ fall, as if it mattered whether it fell or not. A moment 01:0030;01[A ]| later I myself was holding, in my trembling hands, this little pile of tottering 01:0030;01[A ]| disparates, in which the hard, the liquid and the soft were joined, without 01:0030;01[A ]| understanding how the transfer had been effected. Let me tell you this, when 01:0030;01[A ]| social workers offer you, free, gratis and for nothing, something to$9$ hinder you 01:0030;01[A ]| from swooning, which with them is a obsession, it is useless to$9$ recoil, they will 01:0030;01[A ]| pursue you to$4$ the ends of the earth, the vomitory in their hands. The Salvation 01:0030;01[A ]| Army is no better. Against the charitable gesture there is no defence, that I know 01:0030;01[A ]| of. You sink your head, you put out your hands all trembling and twined together 01:0030;01[A ]| and you say, Thank you, thank you lady, thank you kind lady. To$4$ him who has 01:0030;01[A ]| nothing it is forbidden not to$9$ relish filth. The liquid overflowed, the mug rocked 01:0031;01[A ]| with a noise of chattering teeth, not mine, I had none, and the sodden bread 01:0031;01[A ]| sagged more and more. Until, panicstricken, I flung it all far from me. I did not let 01:0031;01[A ]| it fall, no, but with a convulsive thrust of both my hands I threw it to$4$ the ground, 01:0031;01[A ]| where it smashed to$4$ smithereens, or against the wall, far from me, with all my 01:0031;01[A ]| strength. I will not tell what followed, for I am weary of this place, I want to$9$ go. It 01:0031;01[A ]| was late afternoon when they told me I could go. I was advised to$9$ behave better in 01:0031;01[A ]| future. Conscious of my wrongs, knowing now the reasons for my arrest, alive to$4$ 01:0031;01[A ]| my irregular situation as revealed by the enquiry, I was surprised to$9$ find myself 01:0031;01[A ]| so soon at freedom once again, if that is what it was, unpenalised. Had I, without 01:0031;01[A ]| my knowledge, a friend at court? Had I, without knowing it, favourably 01:0031;01[A ]| impressed the sergeant? Had they succeeded in finding my mother and 01:0031;01[A ]| obtaining from her$6$, or from the neighbours, partial confirmation of my 01:0031;01[A ]| statements? Were they of the opinion that it was useless to$9$ prosecute me? To$9$ 01:0031;01[A ]| apply the letter of the law to$4$ a creature like me is not a easy matter. It can be$1$ 01:0031;01[A ]| done, but reason is against it. It is better to$9$ leave things to$4$ the police. I do not 01:0031;01[A ]| know. If it is unlawful to$9$ be$1$ without papers, why did they not insist on my getting 01:0031;01[A ]| them. Because that costs money and I had none? But in that case could they not 01:0031;01[A ]| have$1$ appropriated my bicycle? Probably not, without a court order. All that is 01:0031;01[A ]| incomprehensible. What is certain is this, that I never rested in that way again, 01:0031;01[A ]| my feet obscenely resting on the earth, my arms on the handlebars and on my 01:0031;01[A ]| arms my head, rocking and abandoned. It is indeed a deplorable sight, a 01:0031;01[A ]| deplorable example, for the people, who so need to$9$ be$1$ encouraged, in their bitter 01:0031;01[A ]| toil, and to$9$ 01:0032;01[A ]| have$1$ before their eyes manifestations of strength only, of courage and of joy, 01:0032;01[A ]| without which they might collapse, at the end of the day, and roll on the ground. 01:0032;01[A ]| I have only to$9$ be$1$ told what good behaviour is and I am well-behaved, within the 01:0032;01[A ]| limits of my physical possibilities. And so I have never ceased to$9$ improve, from 01:0032;01[A ]| this point of view, for I ~~ I used to$9$ be$1$ intelligent and quick. And as far as good-will 01:0032;01[A ]| is concerned, I had it to$4$ overflowing, the exasperated good-will of the 01:0032;01[A ]| overanxious. So that my repertory of permitted attitudes has never ceased to$9$ 01:0032;01[A ]| grow, from my first steps until my last, executed last year. And if I have always 01:0032;01[A ]| behaved like a pig, the fault lies not with me but with my superiors, who 01:0032;01[A ]| corrected me only on points of detail instead of showing me the essence of the 01:0032;01[A ]| system, after the manner of the great English schools, and the guiding 01:0032;01[A ]| principles of good manners, and how to$9$ proceed, without going wrong, from the 01:0032;01[A ]| former to$4$ the latter, and how to$9$ trace back to$4$ its ultimate source a given 01:0032;01[A ]| comportment. For that would have$1$ allowed me, before parading in public certain 01:0032;01[A ]| habits such as the finger in the nose, the scratching of the balls, digital emunction 01:0032;01[A ]| and the peripatetic piss, to$9$ refer them to$4$ the first rules of a reasoned theory. On 01:0032;01[A ]| this subject I had only negative and empirical notions, which means that I was in 01:0032;01[A ]| the dark, most of the time, and all the more completely as a lifetime of 01:0032;01[A ]| observations had left me doubting the possibility of systematic decorum, even 01:0032;01[A ]| within a limited area. But it is only since I have ceased to$9$ live that I think of these 01:0032;01[A ]| things and the other things. It is in the tranquillity of decomposition that I 01:0032;01[A ]| remember the long confused emotion which was my life, and that I judge it, as it 01:0032;01[A ]| is said that God will judge me, and with 01:0033;01[A ]| no less impertinence. To$9$ decompose is to$9$ live too, I know, I know, do not 01:0033;01[A ]| torment me, but one sometimes forgets. And of that life too I shall tell you 01:0033;01[A ]| perhaps one day, the day I know that when I thought I knew I was merely existing 01:0033;01[A ]| and that passion without form or stations will have$1$ devoured me down to$4$ the 01:0033;01[A ]| rotting flesh itself and that when I know that I know nothing, am only crying 01:0033;01[A ]| out as I have always cried out, more or less piercingly, more or less openly. Let 01:0033;01[A ]| me cry out then, it is said to$9$ be$1$ good for you. Yes, let me cry out, this time, then 01:0033;01[A ]| another time perhaps, then perhaps a last time. Cry out that the declining sun fell 01:0033;01[A ]| full on the white wall of the barracks. It was like being in China. A confused 01:0033;01[A ]| shadow was cast. It was I and my bicycle. I began to$9$ play, gesticulating, waving my 01:0033;01[A ]| hat, moving my bicycle to$8$ and fro before me, blowing the horn, watching the 01:0033;01[A ]| wall. They were watching me through the bars, I felt their eyes upon me. The 01:0033;01[A ]| policeman on guard at the door told me to$9$ go away. He need not have$1$ I was calm 01:0033;01[A ]| again. The shadow in the end is no better than the substance. I asked the man to$9$ 01:0033;01[A ]| help me, to$9$ have$1$ pity on me. He did not understand. I thought of the food I had 01:0033;01[A ]| refused. I took a pebble from my pocket and sucked it. It was smooth, from 01:0033;01[A ]| having been sucked so long, by me, and beaten by the storm. A little pebble in 01:0033;01[A ]| your mouth, round and smooth, appeases, soothes, makes you forget your 01:0033;01[A ]| hunger, forget your thirst. The man came towards me, angered by my slowness. 01:0033;01[A ]| Him too they were watching, through the windows. Somewhere someone 01:0033;01[A ]| laughed. Inside me too someone was laughing. I took my sick leg in my hands 01:0033;01[A ]| and passed it over the frame. I went. I had forgotten where I was going. 01:0034;01[A ]| I stopped to$9$ think. It is difficult to$9$ think riding, for me. When I try and think 01:0034;01[A ]| riding I lose my balance and fall. I speak in the present tense, it is so easy to$9$ speak 01:0034;01[A ]| in the present tense, when speaking of the past. It is the mythological present, 01:0034;01[A ]| do not mind it. I was already settling in my raglimp stasis when I remembered it 01:0034;01[A ]| was not done. I went on my way, that way of which I knew nothing, qua way, 01:0034;01[A ]| which was nothing more than a surface, bright or dark, smooth or rough, and 01:0034;01[A ]| always dear to$4$ me, in spite of all, and the dear sound of that which goes and is 01:0034;01[A ]| gone, with a brief dust, when the weather is dry. 01:0034;00@@@@@| 01:0034;01[A ]| There I am then, before I knew I 01:0034;01[A ]| had left the town, on the canal-bank. The canal goes through the town, I know I 01:0034;01[A ]| know, there are even two. But then these hedges, these fields? Do not torment 01:0034;01[A ]| yourself, ~~ Molloy. Suddenly I see, it was my right leg the stiff one, then. Toiling 01:0034;01[A ]| towards me along the tow-path I saw a team of little grey donkeys, on the far 01:0034;01[A ]| bank, and I heard angry cries and dull blows. I got down. I put my foot to$4$ the 01:0034;01[A ]| ground the better to$9$ see the approaching barge, so gently approaching that the 01:0034;01[A ]| water was unruffled. It was a cargo of nails and timber, on its way to$4$ some 01:0034;01[A ]| carpenter I suppose. My eyes caught a donkey's eyes, they fell to$4$ his little feet, 01:0034;01[A ]| their brave fastidious tread. The boatman rested his elbow on his knee, his head 01:0034;01[A ]| on his hand. He had a long white beard. Every three or four puffs, without taking 01:0034;01[A ]| his pipe from his mouth, he spat into the water. I could not see his eyes. The 01:0034;01[A ]| horizon was burning with sulphur and phosphorus, it was there I was bound. At 01:0034;01[A ]| last I got right down, hobbled down to$4$ the ditch and lay down, beside my bicycle. I 01:0034;01[A ]| lay at full stretch, with outspread arms. The white hawthorn stooped 01:0035;01[A ]| towards me, unfortunately I do not like the smell of hawthorn. In the ditch the 01:0035;01[A ]| grass was thick and high, I took off my hat and pressed about my face the long 01:0035;01[A ]| leafy stalks. Then I could smell the earth, the smell of the earth was in the grass 01:0035;01[A ]| that my hands wove round my face till I was blinded. I ate a little too, a little 01:0035;01[A ]| grass. It came back to$4$ my mind, from nowhere, as a moment before my name, 01:0035;01[A ]| that I had set out to$9$ see my mother, at the beginning of this ending day. My 01:0035;01[A ]| reasons? I had forgotten them. But I knew them, I must have$1$ known them, I had 01:0035;01[A ]| only to$9$ find them again and I would sweep, with the clipped wings of necessity, to$4$ 01:0035;01[A ]| my mother. Yes, it is all easy when you know why, a mere matter of magic. Yes, 01:0035;01[A ]| the whole thing is to$9$ know what saint to$9$ implore, any fool can implore him. For 01:0035;01[A ]| the particulars, if you are interested in particulars, there is no need to$9$ despair, 01:0035;01[A ]| you may scrabble on the right door, in the right way, in the end. It is for the whole 01:0035;01[A ]| there seems to$9$ be$1$ no spell. Perhaps there is no whole, before you are dead. a 01:0035;01[A ]| opiate for the life of the dead, that should be$1$ easy. What am I waiting for then, to$9$ 01:0035;01[A ]| exorcize mine? It is coming, it is coming. I hear from here the howl resolving all, 01:0035;01[A ]| even if it is not mine. Meanwhile there is no use knowing you .Ire gone, you are 01:0035;01[A ]| not, you are writhing yet, the hair is growing, the nails are growing, the entrails 01:0035;01[A ]| emptying, all the morticians are dead. Someone has drawn the blinds, you 01:0035;01[A ]| perhaps. Not the faintest sound. Where are the famous flies? Yes, there is no 01:0035;01[A ]| denying it, any longer, it is not you who are dead, but all the others. So you get up 01:0035;01[A ]| and go to$4$ your mother, who thinks she is alive. That is my impression. But now I 01:0035;01[A ]| shall have$1$ to$9$ get myself out of this ditch. How joyfully I would vanish 01:0036;01[A ]| there, sinking deeper and deeper under the rains. No doubt I will come back some 01:0036;01[A ]| day, here, or to$4$ a similar slough, I can trust my feet for that, as no doubt some day 01:0036;01[A ]| I will meet again the sergeant and his merry men. And if, too changed to$9$ know it is 01:0036;01[A ]| they, I do not say$1$ it is they, make no mistake, it will be$1$ they, though changed. For 01:0036;01[A ]| to$9$ contrive a being, a place, I nearly said a hour, but I would not hurt anyone's 01:0036;01[A ]| feelings, and then to$9$ use them no more, that would be, how shall I say$1$, I do not 01:0036;01[A ]| know. Not to$9$ want to$9$ say$1$, not to$9$ know what you want to$9$ say$1$, not to$9$ be$1$ able to$9$ say$1$ 01:0036;01[A ]| what you think you want to$9$ say$1$, and never to$9$ stop saying, or hardly ever, that is 01:0036;01[A ]| the thing to$9$ keep in mind, even in the heat of composition. That night was not 01:0036;01[A ]| like the other night, if it had been I would have$1$ known. For when I try and think 01:0036;01[A ]| of that night, on the canal-bank, I find nothing, no night properly speaking, 01:0036;01[A ]| nothing but Molloy in the ditch, and perfect silence, and behind my closed lids 01:0036;01[A ]| the little night and its little lights, faint at first, then flaming and extinguished, 01:0036;01[A ]| now ravening, now fed, as fire by filth and martyrs. I say that night, but there was 01:0036;01[A ]| more than one perhaps. The lie, the lie, to$4$ lying thought. But I find the morning, 01:0036;01[A ]| a morning, and the sun already high, and the little sleep I had then, according to$4$ 01:0036;01[A ]| my custom, and space with its sounds again, and the shepherd watching me sleep 01:0036;01[A ]| and under whose eyes I opened my eyes. Beside him a panting dog, watching me 01:0036;01[A ]| too, but less closely than his master, for from time to$4$ time he stopped watching 01:0036;01[A ]| me to$9$ gnaw at his flesh, furiously, where the ticks were in him I suppose. Did he 01:0036;01[A ]| take me for a black sheep entangled in the brambles and was he waiting for a 01:0036;01[A ]| order from his master to$9$ drag me out? I do not think so. I do not smell like a sheep, 01:0036;01[A ]| I 01:0037;01[A ]| wish I smelt like a sheep, or a buck-goat. When I wake I see the first things quite 01:0037;01[A ]| clearly, the first things that offer, and I understand them, when they are not too 01:0037;01[A ]| difficult. Then in my eyes and in my head a fine rain begins to$9$ fall, as from a rose, 01:0037;01[A ]| highly important. So knew at once it was a shepherd and his dog I had before me, 01:0037;01[A ]| above me rather, for they had not left the path. And I identified the bleating too, 01:0037;01[A ]| without any trouble, the anxious bleating of the sheep, missing the dog at their 01:0037;01[A ]| heels. It is then too that the meaning of words is least obscure to$4$ me, so that I said, 01:0037;01[A ]| with tranquil assurance, Where are you taking them, to$4$ the fields or to$4$ the 01:0037;01[A ]| shambles? I must have$1$ completely lost my sense of direction, as if direction had 01:0037;01[A ]| anything to$9$ do$1$ with the matter. For even if he was going towards the town, what 01:0037;01[A ]| prevented him from skirting it, or from leaving it again by another gate, on his 01:0037;01[A ]| way to$4$ new pastures, and if he was going away from it that meant nothing either, 01:0037;01[A ]| for slaughter-houses are not confined to$4$ towns, no, they are everywhere, the 01:0037;01[A ]| country is full of them, every butcher has his slaughter-house and the right to$9$ 01:0037;01[A ]| slaughter, according to$4$ his lights. But whether it was he did not understand, or 01:0037;01[A ]| did not want to$9$ reply, he did not reply, but went on his way without a word, 01:0037;01[A ]| without a word for me I mean, for he spoke to$4$ his dog who listened attentively, 01:0037;01[A ]| cocking his ears. I got to$4$ my knees, no, that does not work, I got up and watched 01:0037;01[A ]| the little procession recede. I heard the shepherd whistle, and I saw him 01:0037;01[A ]| flourishing his crook, and the dog bustling about the herd, which but for him 01:0037;01[A ]| would no doubt have$1$ fallen into the canal. All that through a glittering dust, and 01:0037;01[A ]| soon through that mist too which rises in me every day and veils the world 01:0038;01[A ]| from me and veils me from myself. The bleating grew faint, because the sheep 01:0038;01[A ]| were less anxious, or because they were further away, or because my hearing was 01:0038;01[A ]| worse than a moment before, which would surprise me, for my hearing is still 01:0038;01[A ]| very good, scarcely blunted coming up to$4$ dawn, and if I sometimes hear nothing 01:0038;01[A ]| for hours on end it is for reasons of which I know nothing, or because about me 01:0038;01[A ]| all goes really silent, from time to$4$ time, whereas for the righteous the tumult of 01:0038;01[A ]| the world never stops. That then is how that second day began, unless it was the 01:0038;01[A ]| third, or the fourth, and it was a bad beginning, because it left me with persisting 01:0038;01[A ]| doubts, as to$4$ the destination of those sheep, among which there were lambs, and 01:0038;01[A ]| often wondering if they had safely reached some commonage or fallen, their 01:0038;01[A ]| skulls shattered, their thin legs crumpling, first to$4$ their knees, then over on their 01:0038;01[A ]| fleecy sides, under the pole-axe, though that is not the way they slaughter sheep, 01:0038;01[A ]| but with a knife, so that they bleed to$4$ death. But there is much to$9$ be$1$ said too for 01:0038;01[A ]| these little doubts. Good God, what a land of breeders, you see quadrupeds 01:0038;01[A ]| everywhere. And it is not over yet, there are still horses and goats, to$9$ mention 01:0038;01[A ]| only them, I feel them watching out for me, to$9$ get in my path. I have no need of 01:0038;01[A ]| that. 01:0038;00@@@@@| 01:0038;01[A ]| But I did not lose sight of my immediate goal, which was to$9$ get to$4$ my 01:0038;01[A ]| mother as quickly as possible, and standing in the ditch I summoned to$4$ my aid 01:0038;01[A ]| the good reasons I had for going there, without a moment's delay. And though 01:0038;01[A ]| there were many things I could do$1$ without thinking, not knowing what I was 01:0038;01[A ]| going to$9$ do$1$ until it was done, and not even then, going to$4$ my mother was not 01:0038;01[A ]| one of them. My feet, you see, never took me to$4$ my mother unless they received 01:0038;01[A ]| a definite 01:0039;01[A ]| order to$9$ do$1$ so. The glorious, the truly glorious weather would have$1$ gladdened 01:0039;01[A ]| any other heart than mine. But I have no reason to$9$ be$1$ gladdened by the sun and I 01:0039;01[A ]| take good care not to$9$ be. The Aegean, thirsting for heat and light, him I killed, he 01:0039;01[A ]| killed himself, early on, in me. The pale gloom of rainy days was better fitted to$4$ 01:0039;01[A ]| my taste, no, that is not it, to$4$ my humour, no, that is not it either, I had neither 01:0039;01[A ]| taste nor humour, I lost them early on. Perhaps what I mean is that the pale 01:0039;01[A ]| gloom etc., hid me better, without its being on that account particularly pleasing 01:0039;01[A ]| to$4$ me. Chameleon in spite Or himself, there you have Molloy, viewed from a 01:0039;01[A ]| certain angle. And in winter, under my greatcoat, I wrapped myself in swathes of 01:0039;01[A ]| newspaper, and did not shed them until the earth awoke, for good, in April. The 01:0039;01[A ]| Times Literary Supplement was admirably adapted to$4$ this purpose, of a 01:0039;01[A ]| neverfailing toughness and impermeability. Even farts made no impression on 01:0039;01[A ]| it. I can not help it, gas escapes from my fundament on the least pretext, it is hard not 01:0039;01[A ]| to$9$ mention it now and then, however great my distaste. One day I counted them. 01:0039;01[A ]| Three hundred and fifteen farts in nineteen hours, or a average of over sixteen 01:0039;01[A ]| farts a hour. After all it is not excessive. Four farts every fifteen minutes. It is 01:0039;01[A ]| nothing. Not even one fart every four minutes. It is unbelievable. Damn it, I 01:0039;01[A ]| hardly fart at all, I should never have$1$ mentioned it. Extraordinary how 01:0039;01[A ]| mathematics help you to$9$ know yourself: In any case this whole question of 01:0039;01[A ]| climate left me cold, I could stomach any mess. So I will only add that the 01:0039;01[A ]| mornings were often sunny, in that part of the world, until ten o'clock or coming 01:0039;01[A ]| up to$4$ eleven, and that then the sky darkened and the rain fell, fell till evening. 01:0040;01[A ]| Then the sun came out and went down, the drenched earth sparkled a instant, 01:0040;01[A ]| then went out, bereft of light. There I am then back in the saddle, in my numbed 01:0040;01[A ]| heart a prick of misgiving, like one dying of cancer obliged to$9$ consult his dentist. 01:0040;01[A ]| For I did not know if it was the right road. All roads were right for me, a wrong 01:0040;01[A ]| road was a event, for ?me. But when I was on my way to$4$ my mother only one 01:0040;01[A ]| road was right, the one that led to$4$ her$6$, or one of those that led to$4$ her$6$, for all did 01:0040;01[A ]| not lead to$4$ her$6$. I did not know if I was on one of those right roads and that 01:0040;01[A ]| disturbed me, like all recall to$4$ life. Judge then of my relief when I saw, ahead of 01:0040;01[A ]| me, the familiar ramparts loom. I passed beyond them, into a district I did not 01:0040;01[A ]| know. And yet I knew the town well, for I was born there and had never 01:0040;01[A ]| succeeded in putting between it and me more than ten or fifteen miles, such was 01:0040;01[A ]| its grasp on me, I do not know why. So that I came near to$4$ wondering if I was in 01:0040;01[A ]| the right town, where I first saw the murk of day and which still harboured my 01:0040;01[A ]| mother, somewhere or other, or if I had not stumbled, as a result of a wrong turn, 01:0040;01[A ]| on a town whose very name I did not know. For my native town was the only 01:0040;01[A ]| one I knew, having never set foot in any other. But I had read with care, while I 01:0040;01[A ]| still could read, accounts of travellers more fortunate than myself, telling of other 01:0040;01[A ]| towns as beautiful as mine, and even more beautiful, though with a different 01:0040;01[A ]| beauty. And now it was a name I sought, in my memory, the name of the only 01:0040;01[A ]| town it had been given me to$9$ know, with the intention, as soon as I had found 01:0040;01[A ]| it, of stopping, and saying to$4$ a passer-by, doffing my hat, I beg your pardon, Sir, 01:0040;01[A ]| this is X, is it not?, X being the name of my town. And this name 01:0041;01[A ]| that I sought, I felt sure that it began with a B or with a P, but in spite of this 01:0041;01[A ]| clue, or perhaps because of its falsity, the other letters continued to$9$ escape me. I 01:0041;01[A ]| had been living so far from words so long, you understand, that it was enough for 01:0041;01[A ]| me to$9$ see my town, since we are talking of my town, to$9$ be$1$ unable, you understand. 01:0041;01[A ]| It is too difficult to$9$ say$1$, for me. And even my sense of identity was wrapped in a 01:0041;01[A ]| namelessness often hard to$9$ penetrate, as we have just seen I think. And so on for 01:0041;01[A ]| all the other things which made merry with my senses. Yes, even then, when 01:0041;01[A ]| already all was fading, waves and particles, there could be$1$ no things but nameless 01:0041;01[A ]| things, no names but thingless names. I say that now, but after all what do I know 01:0041;01[A ]| now about then, now when the icy words hail down upon me, the icy meanings, 01:0041;01[A ]| and the world dies too, foully named. All I know is what the words know, and 01:0041;01[A ]| the dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning, a 01:0041;01[A ]| middle and a end as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. 01:0041;01[A ]| And truly it little matters what I say, this or that or any other thing. Saying is 01:0041;01[A ]| inventing. Wrong, very rightly wrong. You invent nothing, you think you are 01:0041;01[A ]| inventing, you think you are escaping, and all you do is stammer out your lesson, 01:0041;01[A ]| the remnants of a pensum one day got by heart and long forgotten, life without 01:0041;01[A ]| tears, as it is wept. To$4$ hell with it anyway. Where was I. Unable to$9$ remember the 01:0041;01[A ]| name of my town I resolved to$9$ stop by the kerb, to$9$ wait for a passer-by with a 01:0041;01[A ]| friendly and intelligent air and then to$9$ whip off my hat and say$1$, with my smile, I 01:0041;01[A ]| beg your pardon Sir, excuse me Sir, what is the name of this town, if you please? 01:0041;01[A ]| For the word once let fall I would know if it was the right word 01:0042;01[A ]| the one I was seeking, in my memory, or another, and so where I stood. This 01:0042;01[A ]| resolution, actually formed as I rode along, was never to$9$ be$1$ carried out, a absurd 01:0042;01[A ]| mishap prevented it. Yes, my resolutions were remarkable in this, that they were 01:0042;01[A ]| no sooner formed than something always happened to$9$ prevent their execution. 01:0042;01[A ]| That must be$1$ why I am even less resolute now than then, just as then I was even 01:0042;01[A ]| less so than I once had been. But to$9$ tell the truth (to$9$ tell the truth!) I have never 01:0042;01[A ]| been particularly resolute, I mean given to$4$ resolutions, but rather inclined to$9$ 01:0042;01[A ]| plunge headlong into the shit, without knowing who was shitting against whom 01:0042;01[A ]| or on which side I had the better chance of skulking with success. But from this 01:0042;01[A ]| leaning too I derived scant satisfaction and if I have never quite got rid of it it is 01:0042;01[A ]| not for want of trying. The fact is, it seems, that the most you can hope is to$9$ be$1$ a 01:0042;01[A ]| little less, in the end, the creature you were in the beginning, and the middle. For 01:0042;01[A ]| I had hardly perfected my plan, in my head, when my bicycle ran over a dog, as 01:0042;01[A ]| subsequently appeared, and fell to$4$ the ground, a ineptness all the more 01:0042;01[A ]| unpardonable as the dog, duly leashed, was not out on the road, but in on the 01:0042;01[A ]| pavement, docile at its mistress's heels. Precautions are like resolutions, to$9$ be$1$ 01:0042;01[A ]| taken with precaution. The lady must have$1$ thought she had left nothing to$4$ 01:0042;01[A ]| chance, so far as the safety of her$2$ dog was concerned, whereas in reality she was 01:0042;01[A ]| setting the whole system of nature at naught, no less surely than I myself with 01:0042;01[A ]| my insane demands for more light. But instead of grovelling in my turn, 01:0042;01[A ]| invoking my great age and infirmities, I made things worse by trying to$9$ run away. 01:0042;01[A ]| I was soon overtaken, by a bloodthirsty mob of both sexes and all ages, 01:0043;01[A ]| for I caught a glimpse of white beards and little almost angelfaces, and they were 01:0043;01[A ]| preparing to$9$ tear me to$4$ pieces when the lady intervened. She said in effect, she 01:0043;01[A ]| told me so later on and I believed her$6$, Leave this poor old man alone. He has 01:0043;01[A ]| killed Teddy, I grant you that, Teddy whom I loved like my own child, but it is 01:0043;01[A ]| not so serious as it seems, for as it happens I was taking him to$4$ the veterinary 01:0043;01[A ]| surgeon, to$9$ have$1$ him put out of his misery. For Teddy was old, blind, deaf, 01:0043;01[A ]| crippled with rheumatism and perpetually incontinent, night and day, indoors 01:0043;01[A ]| and out of doors. Thanks then to$4$ this poor old man I have been spared a painful 01:0043;01[A ]| task, not to$9$ mention the expense which I am ill able to$9$ afford, having no other 01:0043;01[A ]| means of support than the pension of my dear departed, fallen in defence of a 01:0043;01[A ]| country that called itself his and from which in his lifetime he never derived the 01:0043;01[A ]| smallest benefit, but only insults and vexations. The crowd was beginning to$9$ 01:0043;01[A ]| disperse, the danger was past, but the lady in her$2$ stride. You may say$1$, she said, 01:0043;01[A ]| that he did wrong to$9$ run away, that he should have$1$ explained, asked to$9$ be$1$ 01:0043;01[A ]| forgiven. Granted. But it is clear he has not all his wits about him, that he is 01:0043;01[A ]| beside himself, for reasons of which we know nothing and which might put us 01:0043;01[A ]| all to$4$ shame, if we did know them. I even wonder if he knows what he has done. 01:0043;01[A ]| There emanated such tedium from this droning voice that I was making ready to$9$ 01:0043;01[A ]| move on when the unavoidable police constable rose up before me. He brought 01:0043;01[A ]| down heavily on my handlebars his big red hairy paw, I noticed it myself, and 01:0043;01[A ]| had it appears with the lady the following conversation. Is this the man who ran 01:0043;01[A ]| over your dog, Madam? He is, sergeant, and what of it? No, I can not record this 01:0043;01[A ]| fatuous 01:0044;01[A ]| colloquy. So I will merely observe that finally in his turn the constable too 01:0044;01[A ]| dispersed, the word is not too strong, grumbling and growling, followed by the 01:0044;01[A ]| last idlers who had given up all hope of my coming to$4$ a bad end. But he turned 01:0044;01[A ]| back and said, Remove that dog. 01:0044;00@@@@@| 01:0044;01[A ]| Free at last to$9$ go I began to$9$ do$1$ so. But the lady, a 01:0044;01[A ]| Mrs Loy, I might as well say$1$ it now and be$1$ done with it, or Lousse, I forget, 01:0044;01[A ]| Christian name something like Sophie, held me back, by the tail of my coat, and 01:0044;01[A ]| said, assuming the words were the same when I heard them as when first spoken, 01:0044;01[A ]| Sir, I need you. And seeing I suppose from my expression, which frequently 01:0044;01[A ]| betrays me, that she had made herself understood, she must have$1$ said, If he 01:0044;01[A ]| understands that he can understand anything. And she was not mistaken, for 01:0044;01[A ]| after some time I found myself in possession of certain ideas or points of view 01:0044;01[A ]| which could only have$1$ come to$4$ me from her$6$, namely that having killed her$2$ dog I 01:0044;01[A ]| was morally obliged to$9$ help her$6$ carry it home and bury it, that she did not wish to$9$ 01:0044;01[A ]| prosecute me for what I had done, but that it was not always possible to$9$ do$1$ as one 01:0044;01[A ]| did not wish, that she found me likeable enough in spite of my hideous 01:0044;01[A ]| appearance and would be$1$ happy to$9$ hold out to$4$ me a helping hand, and so on, I have 01:0044;01[A ]| forgotten the half of it. Ah yes, I too needed her$6$, it seemed. She needed me to$9$ 01:0044;01[A ]| help her$6$ get rid of her$2$ dog, and I needed her$6$, I have forgotten for what. She must 01:0044;01[A ]| have$1$ told me, for that was a insinuation I could not decently pass over in 01:0044;01[A ]| silence as I had the rest, and I made no bones about telling her$6$ I needed neither 01:0044;01[A ]| her$6$ nor anyone else, which was perhaps a slight exaggeration, for I must have$1$ 01:0044;01[A ]| needed my mother, otherwise why this frenzy of wanting to$9$ get 01:0045;01[A ]| to$4$ her$6$? That is one of the many reasons why I avoid speaking as much as 01:0045;01[A ]| possible. For I always say either too much or too little, which is a terrible thing for 01:0045;01[A ]| a man with a passion for truth like mine. And I shall not abandon this subject, to$4$ 01:0045;01[A ]| which I shall probably never have$1$ occasion to$9$ return, with such a storm blowing 01:0045;01[A ]| up, without making this curious observation, that it often happened to$4$ me, 01:0045;01[A ]| before I gave up speaking for good, to$9$ think I had said too little when in fact I had 01:0045;01[A ]| said too much and in fact to$9$ have$1$ said too little when I thought I had said too 01:0045;01[A ]| much. I mean that on reflexion, in the long run rather, my verbal profusion 01:0045;01[A ]| turned out to$9$ be$1$ penury, and inversely. So time sometimes turns the tables. In 01:0045;01[A ]| other words, or perhaps another thing, whatever I said it was never enough and 01:0045;01[A ]| always too much. Yes, I was never silent, whatever I said I was never silent. 01:0045;01[A ]| Divine analysis that conduces thus to$4$ knowledge of yourself, and of your fellow-men, 01:0045;01[A ]| if you happen to$9$ have$1$ any. For to$9$ say$1$ I needed no one was not to$9$ say$1$ too 01:0045;01[A ]| much, but a infinitesimal part of what I should have$1$ said, could not have$1$ said, 01:0045;01[A ]| should never have$1$ said. Need of my mother ! No, there were no words for the 01:0045;01[A ]| want of need in which I was perishing. So that she, I mean Sophie, must have$1$ 01:0045;01[A ]| told me the reasons why I needed her$6$, since I had dared to$9$ disagree. And perhaps 01:0045;01[A ]| if I took the trouble I might find them again, but trouble, many thanks, some 01:0045;01[A ]| other time. And now enough of this boulevard, it must have$1$ been a boulevard, 01:0045;01[A ]| of all these righteous ones, these guardians of the peace, all these feet and hands, 01:0045;01[A ]| stamping, clutching, clenched in vain, these bawling mouths that never bawl out 01:0045;01[A ]| of season, this sky beginning to$9$ drip, enough of being abroad, 01:0046;01[A ]| trapped, visible. Someone was poking the dog, with a malacca. The dog was 01:0046;01[A ]| uniformly yellow, a mongrel I suppose, or a pedigree, I can never tell the 01:0046;01[A ]| difference. His death must have$1$ hurt him less than my fall me. And he at least 01:0046;01[A ]| was dead. We slung him across the saddle and set off like a army in retreat, 01:0046;01[A ]| helping each other I suppose, to$9$ keep the corpse from falling, to$9$ keep the bicycle 01:0046;01[A ]| moving, to$9$ keep ourselves moving, through the jeering crowd. The house where 01:0046;01[A ]| Sophie ~~ no, I can not call her$6$ that any more, I will try calling her$6$ Lousse, without the 01:0046;01[A ]| Mrs ~~ the house where Lousse lived was not far away. Oh it was not nearby either, 01:0046;01[A ]| I had my bellyful by the time I got there. That is to$9$ say$1$ I did not have$1$ it really. You 01:0046;01[A ]| think you have your bellyful but you seldom have it really. It was because I knew 01:0046;01[A ]| I was there that I had my bellyful, a mile more to$9$ go and I would only have$1$ had 01:0046;01[A ]| my bellyful a hour later. Human nature. Marvellous thing. The house where 01:0046;01[A ]| Lousse lived. Must I describe it? I do not think so. I will not, that is all I know, for the 01:0046;01[A ]| moment. Perhaps later on, if I get to$9$ know it. And Lousse? Must I describe her$6$? I 01:0046;01[A ]| suppose so. Let us first bury the dog. It was she dug the hole, under a tree. You 01:0046;01[A ]| always bury your dog under a tree, I do not know why. But I have my suspicions. It 01:0046;01[A ]| was she dug the hole because I could not, though I was the gentleman, because of 01:0046;01[A ]| my leg. That is to$9$ say$1$ I could have$1$ dug with a trowel, but not with a spade. For 01:0046;01[A ]| when you dig a grave one leg supports the weight of the body while the other, 01:0046;01[A ]| flexing and unflexing, drives the spade into the earth. Now my sick leg, I forget 01:0046;01[A ]| which, it is immaterial here, was in a condition neither to$9$ dig, because it was rigid, 01:0046;01[A ]| nor alone to$9$ support me, 01:0047;01[A ]| because it would have$1$ collapsed. I had so to$9$ speak only one leg at my disposal, I 01:0047;01[A ]| was virtually onelegged, and I would have$1$ been happier, livelier, amputated at 01:0047;01[A ]| the groin. And if they had removed a few testicles into the bargain I would not 01:0047;01[A ]| have$1$ objected. For from such testicles as mine, dangling at mid-thigh at the end 01:0047;01[A ]| of a meagre cord, there was nothing more to$9$ be$1$ squeezed, not a drop. So that non 01:0047;01[A ]| che la speme il desiderio, and I longed to$9$ see them gone, from the old stand 01:0047;01[A ]| where they bore false witness, for and against, in the lifelong charge against me. 01:0047;01[A ]| For if they accused me of having made a balls of it, of me, of them, they thanked 01:0047;01[A ]| me for it too, from the depths of their rotten bag, the right lower than the left, or 01:0047;01[A ]| inversely, I forget, decaying circus clowns. And, worse still, they got in my way 01:0047;01[A ]| when I tried to$9$ walk, when I tried to$9$ sit down, as if my sick leg was not enough, 01:0047;01[A ]| and when I rode my bicycle they bounced up and down. So the best thing for me 01:0047;01[A ]| would have$1$ been for them to$9$ go, and I would have$1$ seen to$4$ it myself, with a knife 01:0047;01[A ]| or secateurs, but for my terror of physical pain and festered wounds, so that I 01:0047;01[A ]| shook. Yes, all my life I have gone in terror of festered wounds, I who never 01:0047;01[A ]| festered, I was so acid. My life, my life, now I speak of it as of something over, 01:0047;01[A ]| now as of a joke which still goes on, and it is neither, for at the same time it is 01:0047;01[A ]| over and it goes on, and is there any tense for that? Watch wound and buried by 01:0047;01[A ]| the watchmaker, before he died, whose ruined works will one day speak of God, 01:0047;01[A ]| to$4$ the worms. But those cullions, I must be$1$ attached to$4$ them after all, cherish 01:0047;01[A ]| them as others do their scars, or the family album. In any case it was not their fault 01:0047;01[A ]| I could not dig, but my leg's. It was Lousse dug the hole while I held the dog 01:0048;01[A ]| in my arms. He was heavy already and cold, but he had not yet begun to$9$ stink. 01:0048;01[A ]| He smelt bad, if you like, but bad like a old dog, not like a dead dog. He too had 01:0048;01[A ]| dug holes, perhaps at this very spot. We buried him as he was, no box or 01:0048;01[A ]| wrapping of any kind, like a Carthusian monk, but with his collar and lead. It was 01:0048;01[A ]| she put him in the hole, though I was the gentleman. For I can not stoop, neither 01:0048;01[A ]| can I kneel, because of my infirmity, and if ever I stoop, forgetting who I am, or 01:0048;01[A ]| kneel, make no mistake, it will not be$1$ me, but another. To$9$ throw him in the hole 01:0048;01[A ]| was all I could have$1$ done, and I would have$1$ done it gladly. And yet I did not do$1$ 01:0048;01[A ]| it. All the things you would do$1$ gladly, oh without enthusiasm, but gladly, all the 01:0048;01[A ]| things there seems no reason for your not doing, and that you do not do$1$ ! Can it 01:0048;01[A ]| be$1$ we are not free? It might be$1$ worth looking into. But what was my contribution 01:0048;01[A ]| to$4$ this burial? It was she dug the hole, put in the dog, filled up the hole. On the 01:0048;01[A ]| whole I was a mere spectator, I contributed my presence. As if it had been my own 01:0048;01[A ]| burial. And it was. It was a larch. It is the only tree I can identify, with certainty. 01:0048;01[A ]| Funny she should have$1$ chosen, to$9$ bury her$2$ dog beneath, the only tree I can 01:0048;01[A ]| identify, with certainty. The sea-green needles are like silk and speckled, it always 01:0048;01[A ]| seemed to$4$ me, with little red, how shall I say$1$, with little red specks. The dog had 01:0048;01[A ]| ticks in his ears, I have a eye for such things, they were buried with him. When 01:0048;01[A ]| she had finished her$2$ grave she handed me the spade and began to$9$ muse, or 01:0048;01[A ]| brood. I thought she was going to$9$ cry, it was the thing to$9$ do$1$, but on the contrary 01:0048;01[A ]| she laughed. It was perhaps her$2$ way of crying. Or perhaps I was mistaken and she 01:0048;01[A ]| was really crying, with the 01:0049;01[A ]| noise of laughter. Tears and laughter, they are so much Gaelic to$4$ me. She would 01:0049;01[A ]| see him no more, her$2$ Teddy she had loved like a only child. I wonder why, 01:0049;01[A ]| since she had obviously made up her$2$ mind to$9$ bury the dog at home, she had not 01:0049;01[A ]| asked the vet to$9$ call and destroy the brute on the premises. Was she really on her$2$ 01:0049;01[A ]| way to$4$ the vet at the moment her$2$ path crossed mine? Or had she said so solely in 01:0049;01[A ]| order to$9$ attenuate my guilt? Private calls are naturally more expensive. 01:0049;00@@@@@| 01:0049;01[A ]| She ushered me into the drawing-room and gave me food and drink, good things 01:0049;01[A ]| without a doubt. Unfortunately I did not much care for good things to$9$ eat. But I 01:0049;01[A ]| quite liked getting drunk. If she lived in embarrassed circumstances there was no 01:0049;01[A ]| sign of it. That kind of embarrassment I feel at once. Seeing how painful the 01:0049;01[A ]| sitting posture was for me she fetched a chair for my stiff leg. Without ceasing to$9$ 01:0049;01[A ]| ply me with delicacies she kept up a chatter of which I did not understand the 01:0049;01[A ]| hundredth part. With her$2$ own hand she took off my hat, and carried it away, to$9$ 01:0049;01[A ]| hang it up somewhere, on a hat-rack I suppose, and seemed surprised when the 01:0049;01[A ]| lace pulled her$6$ up in her$2$ stride. She had a parrot, very pretty, all the most 01:0049;01[A ]| approved colours. I understood him better than his mistress. I do not mean I 01:0049;01[A ]| understood him better than she understood him, I mean I understood him better 01:0049;01[A ]| than I understood her$6$. He exclaimed from time to$4$ time, Fuck the son of a bitch, 01:0049;01[A ]| fuck the son of a bitch. He must have$1$ belonged to$4$ a American sailor, before he 01:0049;01[A ]| belonged to$4$ Lousse. Pets often change masters. He did not say$1$ much else. No, I am 01:0049;01[A ]| wrong, he also said, 8Putain 8de 8merde! He must have$1$ belonged to$4$ a French sailor 01:0049;01[A ]| before he belonged to$4$ the American sailor. 8Putain 8de 8merde! 01:0050;01[A ]| Unless he had hit on it alone, it would not surprise me. Lousse tried to$9$ make 01:0050;01[A ]| him say$1$, Pretty Polly! I think it was too late. He listened, his head on one side, 01:0050;01[A ]| pondered, then said, Fuck the son of a bitch. It was clear he was doing his best. 01:0050;01[A ]| Him too one day she would bury. In his cage probably. Me too, if I had stayed, she 01:0050;01[A ]| would have$1$ buried. If I had her$2$ address I would write to$4$ her$6$, to$9$ come and bury me. I 01:0050;01[A ]| fell asleep. I woke up in a bed, in my skin. They had carried their impertinence to$4$ 01:0050;01[A ]| the point of washing me, to$9$ judge by the smell I gave off, no longer gave off. I 01:0050;01[A ]| went to$4$ the door. Locked. To$4$ the window. Barred. It was not yet quite dark. What 01:0050;01[A ]| is there left to$9$ try when you have tried the door and the window? The chimney 01:0050;01[A ]| perhaps. I looked for my clothes. I found a light switch and switched it on. No 01:0050;01[A ]| result. What a story! All that left me cold, or nearly. I found my crutches, against 01:0050;01[A ]| a easy chair. It may seem strange that I was able to$9$ go through the motions I 01:0050;01[A ]| have described without their help. I find it strange. You do not remember 01:0050;01[A ]| immediately who you are, when you wake. On a chair I found a white chamber 01:0050;01[A ]| pot with a roll of toilet-paper in it. Nothing was being left to$4$ chance. I recount 01:0050;01[A ]| these moments with a certain minuteness, it is a relief from what I feel coming. I 01:0050;01[A ]| set a pouffe against the easy chair, sat down in the latter and on the former laid 01:0050;01[A ]| my stiff leg. The room was chock-full of pouffes and easy chairs, they thronged all 01:0050;01[A ]| about me, in the gloom. There were also occasional tables, footstools, tallboys, etc., 01:0050;01[A ]| in abundance. Strange feeling of congestion that the night dispersed, though it lit 01:0050;01[A ]| the chandelier, which I had left turned on. My beard was missing, when I felt for 01:0050;01[A ]| it with anguished hand. They had 01:0051;01[A ]| shaved me, they had shorn me of my scant beard. How had my sleep withstood 01:0051;01[A ]| such liberties? My sleep as a rule so uneasy. To$4$ this question I found a number of 01:0051;01[A ]| replies. But I did not know which of them was right. Perhaps they were all wrong. 01:0051;01[A ]| My beard grows properly only on my chin and dewlap. Where the pretty bristles 01:0051;01[A ]| grow on other faces, on mine there are none. But such as it was they had docked 01:0051;01[A ]| my beard. Perhaps they had dyed it too, I had no proof they had not. I thought I 01:0051;01[A ]| was naked, in the easy chair, but I finally realized I was wearing a nightdress, very 01:0051;01[A ]| flimsy. If they had come and told me I was to$9$ be$1$ sacrificed at sunrise I would not 01:0051;01[A ]| have$1$ been taken aback. How foolish one can be. It seemed to$4$ me too that I had 01:0051;01[A ]| been perfumed, lavender perhaps. I said, If only your poor mother could see you 01:0051;01[A ]| now. I am no enemy of the commonplace. She seemed far away, my mother, far 01:0051;01[A ]| away from me, and yet I was a little closer to$4$ her$6$ than the night before, if my 01:0051;01[A ]| reckoning was accurate. But was it? If I was in the right town, I had made 01:0051;01[A ]| progress. But was I? If on the other hand I was in the wrong town, from which 01:0051;01[A ]| my mother would necessarily be$1$ absent, then I had lost ground. I must have$1$ 01:0051;01[A ]| fallen asleep, for all of a sudden there was the moon, a huge moon framed in the 01:0051;01[A ]| window. Two bars divided it in three segments, of which the middle remained 01:0051;01[A ]| constant, while little by little the right gained what the left lost. For the moon was 01:0051;01[A ]| moving from left to$4$ right, or the room was moving from right to$4$ left, or both 01:0051;01[A ]| together perhaps, or both were moving from left to$4$ right, but the room not so fast 01:0051;01[A ]| as the moon, or from right to$4$ left, but the moon not so fast as the room. But can 01:0051;01[A ]| one speak of right and left in such circumstances? 01:0052;01[A ]| That movements of a extreme complexity were taking place seemed certain, 01:0052;01[A ]| and yet what a simple thing it seemed, that vast yellow light sailing slowly 01:0052;01[A ]| behind my bars and which little by little the dense wall devoured, and finally 01:0052;01[A ]| eclipsed. And now its tranquil course was written on the walls, a radiance scored 01:0052;01[A ]| with shadow, then a brief quivering of leaves, if they were leaves, then that too 01:0052;01[A ]| went out, leaving me in the dark. How difficult it is to$9$ speak of the moon and not 01:0052;01[A ]| lose one's head, the witless moon. It must be$1$ her$2$ arse she shows us always. Yes, I 01:0052;01[A ]| once took a interest in astronomy. I do not deny it. Then it was geology that 01:0052;01[A ]| killed a few years for me. The next pain in the balls was anthropology and the 01:0052;01[A ]| other disciplines, such as psychiatry, that are connected with it, disconnected, 01:0052;01[A ]| then connected again, according to$4$ the latest discoveries. What I liked in 01:0052;01[A ]| anthropology was its inexhaustible faculty of negation, its relentless definition of 01:0052;01[A ]| man, as though he were no better than God, in terms of what he is not, But my 01:0052;01[A ]| ideas on this subject were always horribly confused, for my knowledge of men 01:0052;01[A ]| was scant and the meaning of being beyond me. Oh I have tried everything. In the 01:0052;01[A ]| end it was magic that had the honour of my ruins, and still today, when I walk 01:0052;01[A ]| there, I find its vestiges. But mostly they are a place with neither plan nor bounds 01:0052;01[A ]| and of which I understand nothing, not even of what it is made, still less into 01:0052;01[A ]| what. And the thing in ruins. I do not know what it is, what it was, nor whether it 01:0052;01[A ]| is not less a question of ruins than the indestructible chaos of timeless things, if 01:0052;01[A ]| that is the right expression. It is in any case a place devoid of mystery, deserted by 01:0052;01[A ]| magic, because devoid of mystery. And if I do not go there 01:0053;01[A ]| gladly, I go perhaps more gladly there than anywhere else, astonished and at 01:0053;01[A ]| peace, I nearly said as in a dream, but no, no. But it is not the kind of place where 01:0053;01[A ]| you go, but where you find yourself, sometimes, not knowing how, and which 01:0053;01[A ]| you can not leave at will, and where you find yourself without any pleasure, but 01:0053;01[A ]| with more perhaps than in those places you can escape from, by making a effort, 01:0053;01[A ]| places full of mystery, full of the familiar mysteries. I listen and the voice is of a 01:0053;01[A ]| world collapsing endlessly, a frozen world, under a faint untroubled sky, enough 01:0053;01[A ]| to$9$ see by, yes, and frozen too. And I hear it murmur that all wilts and yields, as if 01:0053;01[A ]| loaded down, but here there are no loads, and the ground too, unfit for loads, and 01:0053;01[A ]| the light too, down towards a end it seems can never come. For what possible 01:0053;01[A ]| end to$4$ these wastes where true light never was, nor any upright thing, nor any 01:0053;01[A ]| true foundation, but only these leaning things, forever lapsing and crumbling 01:0053;01[A ]| away, beneath a sky without memory of morning or hope of night. These things, 01:0053;01[A ]| what things, come from where, made of what? And it says that here nothing stirs, 01:0053;01[A ]| has never stirred, will never stir, except myself, who do not stir either, when I am 01:0053;01[A ]| there, but see and am seen. Yes, a world at a end, in spite of appearances, its end 01:0053;01[A ]| brought it forth, ending it began, is it clear enough? And I too am at a end, when 01:0053;01[A ]| I am there, my eyes close, my sufferings cease and I end, I wither as the living can 01:0053;01[A ]| not. And if I went on listening to$4$ that far whisper, silent long since and which I 01:0053;01[A ]| still hear, I would learn still more, about this. But I will listen no longer, for the 01:0053;01[A ]| time being, to$4$ that far whisper, for I do not like it, I fear it. But it is not a sound 01:0053;01[A ]| like the other sounds, that you listen 01:0054;01[A ]| to$4$, when you choose, and can sometimes silence, by going away or stopping 01:0054;01[A ]| your ears, no, but it is a sound which begins to$9$ rustle in your head, without your 01:0054;01[A ]| knowing how, or why. It is with your head you hear it, not your ears, you can not 01:0054;01[A ]| stop it, but it stops itself, when it chooses. It makes no difference therefore 01:0054;01[A ]| whether I listen to$4$ it or not, I shall hear it always, no thunder can deliver me, 01:0054;01[A ]| until it stops. But nothing compels me to$9$ speak of it, when it does not suit me. 01:0054;01[A ]| And it does not suit me, at the moment. No, what suits me, at the moment, is to$9$ 01:0054;01[A ]| be$1$ done with this business of the moon which was left unfinished, by me, for me. 01:0054;01[A ]| And if I get done with it less successfully than if I had all my wits about me, I 01:0054;01[A ]| shall none the less get done with it, as best I can, at least I think so. That moon 01:0054;01[A ]| then, all things considered, filled me suddenly with amaze, with surprise, 01:0054;01[A ]| perhaps better. Yes, I was considering it, after my fashion, with indifference, 01:0054;01[A ]| seeing it again, in a way, in my head, when a great fright came suddenly upon 01:0054;01[A ]| me. And deeming this deserved to$9$ be$1$ looked into I looked into it and quickly 01:0054;01[A ]| made the following discovery, among others, but I confine myself to$4$ the 01:0054;01[A ]| following, that this moon which had just sailed gallant and full past my window 01:0054;01[A ]| had appeared to$4$ me the night before, or the night before that, yes, more likely, all 01:0054;01[A ]| young and slender, on her$2$ back, a shaving. And then I had said, Now I see, he has 01:0054;01[A ]| waited for the new moon before launching forth on unknown ways, leading 01:0054;01[A ]| south. 01:0054;00@@@@@| 01:0054;01[A ]| And then a little later, Perhaps I should go to$4$ mother tomorrow. For all 01:0054;01[A ]| things hang together, by the operation of the Holy Ghost, as the saying is. And if I 01:0054;01[A ]| failed to$9$ mention this detail in its proper place, it is because you can not mention 01:0054;01[A ]| everything in its proper 01:0055;01[A ]| place, you must choose, between the things not worth mentioning and those 01:0055;01[A ]| even less so. For if you set out to$9$ mention everything you would never be$1$ done, 01:0055;01[A ]| and that is what counts, to$9$ be$1$ done, to$9$ have$1$ done. Oh I know, even when you 01:0055;01[A ]| mention only a few of the things there are, you do not get done either, I know, I 01:0055;01[A ]| know. But it is a change of muck. And if all muck is the same muck that does not 01:0055;01[A ]| matter, it is good to$9$ have$1$ a change of muck, to$9$ move from one heap to$4$ another a 01:0055;01[A ]| little further on, from time to$4$ time, fluttering you might say$1$, like a butterfly, as if 01:0055;01[A ]| you were ephemeral. And if you are wrong, and you are wrong, I mean when you 01:0055;01[A ]| record circumstances better left unspoken, and leave unspoken others, rightly, if 01:0055;01[A ]| you like, but how shall I say$1$, for no good reason, yes, rightly, but for no good 01:0055;01[A ]| reason, as for example that new moon, it is often in good faith, excellent faith. 01:0055;01[A ]| Had there then elapsed, between that night on the mountain, that night when I 01:0055;01[A ]| saw A and C and then made up my mind to$9$ go and see my mother, and this other 01:0055;01[A ]| night, more time than I had thought, namely fourteen full days, or nearly? And if 01:0055;01[A ]| so, what had happened to$4$ those fourteen days, or nearly, and where had they 01:0055;01[A ]| flown? And what possible chance was there of finding a place for them, no matter 01:0055;01[A ]| what their burden, in the so rigorous chain of events I had just undergone? Was 01:0055;01[A ]| it not wiser to$9$ suppose either that the moon seen two nights before, far from 01:0055;01[A ]| being new as I had thought, was on the eve of being full, or else that the moon 01:0055;01[A ]| seen from Lousse's house, far from being full, as it had appeared to$4$ me, was in 01:0055;01[A ]| fact merely entering on its first quarter, or else finally that here I had to$9$ do$1$ with 01:0055;01[A ]| two moons, as far from the new as from the full and so alike in outline that the 01:0056;01[A ]| naked eye could hardly tell between them, and that whatever was at variance 01:0056;01[A ]| with these hypotheses was so much smoke and delusion. It was at all events with 01:0056;01[A ]| the aid of these considerations that I grew calm again and was restored, in the face 01:0056;01[A ]| of nature's pranks, to$4$ my old ataraxy, for what it was worth. And it came back also 01:0056;01[A ]| to$4$ my mind, as sleep stole over it again, that my nights were moonless and the 01:0056;01[A ]| moon foreign, to$4$ my nights, so that I had never seen, drifting past the window, 01:0056;01[A ]| carrying me back to$4$ other nights, other moons, this moon I had just seen, I had 01:0056;01[A ]| forgotten who I was (excusably) and spoken of myself as I would have$1$ of another, 01:0056;01[A ]| if I had been compelled to$9$ speak of another. Yes it sometimes happens and will 01:0056;01[A ]| sometimes happen again that I forget who I am and strut before my eyes, like a 01:0056;01[A ]| stranger. Then I see the sky different from what it is and the earth too takes-on 01:0056;01[A ]| false colours. It looks like rest, it is not, I vanish happy in that alien light, which 01:0056;01[A ]| must have$1$ once been mine, I am willing to$9$ believe it, then the anguish of return, 01:0056;01[A ]| I will not say$1$ where, I can not, to$4$ absence perhaps, you must return, that is all I know, 01:0056;01[A ]| it is misery to$9$ stay, misery to$9$ go. The next day I demanded my clothes. The valet 01:0056;01[A ]| went to$9$ find out. He came back with the news they had been burnt. I continued 01:0056;01[A ]| my inspection of the room. It was at first sight a perfect cube. Through the lofty 01:0056;01[A ]| window I saw boughs. They rocked gently, but not all the time, shaken now and 01:0056;01[A ]| then by sudden spasms. I noticed the chandelier was burning. My clothes, I said, 01:0056;01[A ]| my crutches, forgetting my crutches were there, against the chair. He left me 01:0056;01[A ]| alone again, leaving the door open. Through the door)I saw a big window, bigger 01:0056;01[A ]| than the door which it overlapped entirely, and 01:0057;01[A ]| opaque. The valet came back with the news my clothes had been sent to$4$ the 01:0057;01[A ]| dyers, to$9$ have$1$ the shine taken off. He held my crutches, which should have$1$ 01:0057;01[A ]| seemed strange to$4$ me, but seemed natural to$4$ me, on the contrary. I took hold of 01:0057;01[A ]| one and began to$9$ strike the pieces of furniture with it, not very hard, just hard 01:0057;01[A ]| enough to$9$ overturn them, without breaking them. They were fewer than in the 01:0057;01[A ]| night. To$9$ tell the truth I pushed them rather than struck them, I thrust at them, I 01:0057;01[A ]| lunged, and that is not pushing either, but it is more like pushing than striking. 01:0057;01[A ]| But recalling who I was I soon threw away my crutch and came to$4$ a standstill in 01:0057;01[A ]| the middle of the room, determined to$9$ stop asking for things, to$9$ stop pretending 01:0057;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ angry. For to$9$ want my clothes, and I thought I wanted them, was no reason 01:0057;01[A ]| for pretending to$9$ be$1$ angry, when they were refused. And alone once more I 01:0057;01[A ]| resumed my inspection of the room and was on the point of endowing it with 01:0057;01[A ]| other properties when the valet came back with the news my clothes had been 01:0057;01[A ]| sent for and I would have$1$ them soon. Then he began to$9$ straighten the tables and 01:0057;01[A ]| chairs I had overturned and to$9$ put them back into place, dusting them as he did 01:0057;01[A ]| so with a feather duster which suddenly appeared in his hand. And so I began to$9$ 01:0057;01[A ]| help him as best I could, by way of proving that I bore no grudge against anyone. 01:0057;01[A ]| And though I could not do$1$ much, because of my stiff leg, yet I did what I could, 01:0057;01[A ]| that is to$9$ say$1$ I took each object as he straightened it and proceeded with 01:0057;01[A ]| excruciating meticulousness to$9$ restore it to$4$ its proper place, stepping back with 01:0057;01[A ]| raised arms the better to$9$ assess the result and then springing forward to$9$ effect 01:0057;01[A ]| minute improvements. And with the tail of my nightdress as with a duster I 01:0057;01[A ]| petulantly 01:0058;01[A ]| flicked them one by one. But of this little game too I soon wearied and suddenly 01:0058;01[A ]| stood stock still in the middle of the room. But seeing him ready to$9$ go I took a 01:0058;01[A ]| step forward and said, My bicycle. And I said it again, and again, the same words, 01:0058;01[A ]| until he appeared to$9$ understand. I do not know to$4$ what race he belonged, he was 01:0058;01[A ]| so tiny and ageless, assuredly not to$4$ mine. He was a oriental perhaps, a vague 01:0058;01[A ]| oriental, a child of the Rising Sun. He wore white trousers, a white shirt and a 01:0058;01[A ]| yellow waistcoat, like a chamois he was, with brass buttons and sandals. It is not 01:0058;01[A ]| often that I take cognizance so clearly of the clothes that people wear and I am 01:0058;01[A ]| happy to$9$ give you the benefit of it. The reason for that was perhaps this, that all 01:0058;01[A ]| morning the talk had been of clothes, of mine. And perhaps I had been saying, to$4$ 01:0058;01[A ]| myself, words to$4$ this effect, Look at him, peaceful in his own clothes, and look at 01:0058;01[A ]| me, floating about inside another man's nightdress, another woman's probably, 01:0058;01[A ]| for it was pink and transparent and adorned with ribands and frills and lace. 01:0058;01[A ]| Whereas the room, I saw the room but darkly, at each fresh inspection it seemed 01:0058;01[A ]| changed, and that is known as seeing darkly, in the present state of our 01:0058;01[A ]| knowledge. The boughs themselves seemed to$9$ shift, as though endowed with a 01:0058;01[A ]| orbital velocity of their own, and in the big frosted window the door was no 01:0058;01[A ]| longer inscribed, but had slightly shifted to$4$ the right, or to$4$ the left, I forget, so that 01:0058;01[A ]| there now appeared within its frame a panel of white wall, on which I succeeded 01:0058;01[A ]| in casting faint shadows when I moved. But that there were natural causes to$4$ all 01:0058;01[A ]| these things I am willing to$9$ concede, for the resources of nature are infinite 01:0058;01[A ]| apparently. It was I who was not natural enough to$9$ enter into that order of things, 01:0058;01[A ]| and 01:0059;01[A ]| appreciate its niceties. But I was used to$4$ seeing the sun rise in the south, used to$4$ 01:0059;01[A ]| not knowing where I was going, what I was leaving, what was going with me, all 01:0059;01[A ]| things turning and twisting confusedly about me. It is difficult, is it not, to$9$ go to$4$ 01:0059;01[A ]| one's mother with things in such a state, more difficult than to$4$ the Lousses of 01:0059;01[A ]| this world, or to$4$ its police-stations, or to$4$ the other places that are waiting for me, I 01:0059;01[A ]| know. But the valet having brought my clothes, in a paper which he unwrapped 01:0059;01[A ]| in front of me, I saw that my hat was not among them, so that I said, My hat. And 01:0059;01[A ]| when he finally understood what I wanted he went away and came back a little 01:0059;01[A ]| later with my hat. Nothing was missing then except the lace to$9$ fasten my hat to$4$ 01:0059;01[A ]| my buttonhole, but that was something I could not hope to$9$ make him 01:0059;01[A ]| understand, and so I did not mention it. a old lace, you can always find a old 01:0059;01[A ]| lace, no lace lasts for ever, the way clothes do, real clothes. As for the bicycle, I had 01:0059;01[A ]| hopes that it was waiting for me somewhere below stairs, perhaps even before the 01:0059;01[A ]| front door, ready to$9$ carry me away from these horrible scenes. And I did not see 01:0059;01[A ]| what good it would do$1$ to$9$ ask for it again, to$9$ submit him and myself to$4$ this fresh 01:0059;01[A ]| ordeal, when it could be$1$ avoided. These considerations crossed my mind with a 01:0059;01[A ]| certain rapidity. Now with regard to$4$ the pockets, four in all, of my clothes, I 01:0059;01[A ]| verified their contents in front of the valet and discovered that certain things 01:0059;01[A ]| were missing. My sucking-stone in particular was no longer there. But sucking-stones 01:0059;01[A ]| abound on our beaches, when you know where to$9$ look for them, and I 01:0059;01[A ]| deemed it wiser to$9$ say$1$ nothing about it, all the more so as he would have$1$ been 01:0059;01[A ]| capable, after a hour's argument, of going and fetching me from the garden a 01:0059;01[A ]| completely unsuckable 01:0060;01[A ]| stone. This was a decision too which I took almost instantaneously. 01:0060;00@@@@@| 01:0060;01[A ]| But of the 01:0060;01[A ]| other objects which had disappeared why speak, since I did not know exactly what 01:0060;01[A ]| they were. And perhaps they had been taken from me at the police-station, 01:0060;01[A ]| without my knowing it, or scattered and lost, when I fell, or at some other time, 01:0060;01[A ]| or thrown away, for I would sometimes throw away all I had about me, in a burst 01:0060;01[A ]| of irritation. So why speak of them? I resolved nevertheless to$9$ declare loudly that 01:0060;01[A ]| a knife was missing, a noble knife, and I did so to$4$ such effect that I soon received a 01:0060;01[A ]| very fine vegetable knife, so-called stainless, but it did not take me long to$9$ stain it, 01:0060;01[A ]| and which opened and shut into the bargain, unlike all the vegetable knives I 01:0060;01[A ]| had ever known, and which had a safety catch, highly dangerous as soon 01:0060;01[A ]| appeared and the cause of innumerable cuts, all over my fingers caught between 01:0060;01[A ]| the handle of so-called genuine Irish horn and the blade red with rust and so 01:0060;01[A ]| blunted that it was less a matter of cuts than of contusions. And if I deal at such 01:0060;01[A ]| length with this knife it is because I have it somewhere still I think, among my 01:0060;01[A ]| possessions, and because having dealt with it here at such length I shall not have$1$ 01:0060;01[A ]| to$9$ deal with it again, when the moment comes, if it ever comes, to$9$ draw up the 01:0060;01[A ]| list of my possessions, and that will be$1$ a relief, a welcome relief, when that 01:0060;01[A ]| moment comes, I know. For it is natural I should dilate at lesser length on what I 01:0060;01[A ]| lost than on what I could not lose, that goes without saying. And if I do not 01:0060;01[A ]| always appear to$9$ observe this principle it is because it escapes me, from time to$4$ 01:0060;01[A ]| time, and vanishes, as utterly as if I had never educed it. Mad words, no matter. 01:0060;01[A ]| For I no longer know what I am doing, nor why, those are things I understand 01:0061;01[A ]| less and less, I do not deny it, for why deny it, and to$4$ whom, to$4$ you, to$4$ whom 01:0061;01[A ]| nothing is denied? And then doing fills me with such a, I do not know, impossible 01:0061;01[A ]| to$9$ express, for me, now, after so long, yes, that I do not stop to$9$ enquire in virtue of 01:0061;01[A ]| what principle. And all the less so as whatever I do, that is to$9$ say$1$ whatever I say, it 01:0061;01[A ]| will always as it were be$1$ the same thing, yes, as it were. And if I speak of 01:0061;01[A ]| principles, when there are none, I can not help it, there must be$1$ some somewhere. 01:0061;01[A ]| And if always doing the same thing as it were is not the same as observing the 01:0061;01[A ]| same principle, I can not help it either. And then how can you know whether you 01:0061;01[A ]| are observing it or not? And how can you want to$9$ know? No, all that is not 01:0061;01[A ]| worth while, not worth while bothering about, and yet you do bother about it, 01:0061;01[A ]| your sense of values gone. And the things that are worth while you do not bother 01:0061;01[A ]| about, you let them be, for the same reason, or wisely, knowing that all these 01:0061;01[A ]| questions of worth and value have nothing to$9$ do$1$ with you, who do not know 01:0061;01[A ]| what you are doing, nor why, and must go on not knowing it, on pain of, I wonder 01:0061;01[A ]| what, yes, I wonder. For anything worse than what I do, without knowing what, 01:0061;01[A ]| or why, I have never been able to$9$ conceive, and that does not surprise me, for I 01:0061;01[A ]| never tried. For had I been able to$9$ conceive something worse than what I had I 01:0061;01[A ]| would have$1$ known no peace until I got it, if I know anything about myself. And 01:0061;01[A ]| what I have, what I am, is enough, was always enough for me, and as far as my 01:0061;01[A ]| dear little sweet little future is concerned I have no qualms, I have a good time 01:0061;01[A ]| coming. So I put on my clothes, having first made sure they had not been 01:0061;01[A ]| tampered with that is to$9$ say$1$ I put on my trousers, my great coat, my hat 01:0062;01[A ]| and my boots. My boots. They came up to$4$ where my calves would have$1$ been if I 01:0062;01[A ]| had had calves, and partly they buttoned, or would have$1$ buttoned, if they had 01:0062;01[A ]| had buttons, and partly they laced, and I have them still, I think, somewhere. 01:0062;01[A ]| Then I took my crutches and left the room. The whole day had gone in this 01:0062;01[A ]| tomfoolery and it was dusk again. Going down the stairs I inspected the window I 01:0062;01[A ]| had seen through the door. It lit the staircase with its wild tawny light. Lousse 01:0062;01[A ]| was in the garden, fussing around the grave. She was sowing grass on it, as if 01:0062;01[A ]| grass would not have$1$ sown itself on it. She was taking advantage of the cool of 01:0062;01[A ]| evening. Seeing me, she came warmly towards me and gave me food and drink. I 01:0062;01[A ]| ate and drank standing, casting about me in search of my bicycle. She talked and 01:0062;01[A ]| talked. Soon sated, I began the search for my bicycle. She followed me. In the end I 01:0062;01[A ]| found it, half buried in a soft bush. I threw aside my crutches and took it in my 01:0062;01[A ]| hands, by the saddle and the handlebars, intending to$9$ wheel it a little, back and 01:0062;01[A ]| forth, before getting on and leaving for ever this accursed place. But I pushed and 01:0062;01[A ]| pulled in vain, the wheels would not turn. It was as though the brakes were 01:0062;01[A ]| jammed, and heaven knows they were not, for my bicycle had no brakes. And 01:0062;01[A ]| suddenly overcome by a great weariness, in spite of the dying day when I always 01:0062;01[A ]| felt most alive, I threw the bicycle back in the bush and lay down on the ground, 01:0062;01[A ]| on the grass, careless of the dew, I never feared the dew. It was then that Lousse, 01:0062;01[A ]| taking advantage of my weakness, squatted down beside me and began to$9$ make 01:0062;01[A ]| me propositions, to$4$ which I must confess I listened, absent-mindedly, I had 01:0062;01[A ]| nothing else to$9$ do$1$, I 01:0063;01[A ]| could do$1$ nothing else, and doubtless she had poisoned my beer with something 01:0063;01[A ]| intended to$9$ mollify me, to$9$ mollify Molloy, with the result that I was nothing 01:0063;01[A ]| more than a lump of melting wax, so to$9$ speak. And from these propositions, 01:0063;01[A ]| which she enunciated slowly and distinctly, repeating each clause several times, I 01:0063;01[A ]| finally elicited the following, or gist. I could not prevent her$2$ having a weakness 01:0063;01[A ]| for me, neither could she. I would live in her$2$ home, as though it were my own. I 01:0063;01[A ]| would have$1$ plenty to$9$ eat and drink, to$9$ smoke too if I smoked, for nothing, and 01:0063;01[A ]| my remaining days would glide away without a care. I would as it were take the 01:0063;01[A ]| place of the dog I had killed, as it for her$6$ had taken the place of a child. I would 01:0063;01[A ]| help in the garden, in the house, when I wished, if I wished. I would not go out 01:0063;01[A ]| on the street, for once out I would never find my way in again. I would adopt the 01:0063;01[A ]| rhythm of life which best suited me, getting up, going to$4$ bed and taking my meals 01:0063;01[A ]| at whatsoever hours I pleased. If I did not choose to$9$ be$1$ clean, to$9$ wear nice clothes, 01:0063;01[A ]| to$9$ wash and so on, I need not. She would be$1$ grieved, but what was her$2$ grief, 01:0063;01[A ]| compared to$4$ my grief? All she asked was to$9$ feel me near her$6$, with her$6$, and the 01:0063;01[A ]| right to$9$ contemplate from time to$4$ time this extraordinary body both at rest and in 01:0063;01[A ]| motion. Every now and then I interrupted her$6$, to$9$ ask what town I was in. But 01:0063;01[A ]| either because she did not understand me, or because she preferred to$9$ leave me in 01:0063;01[A ]| ignorance, she did not reply to$4$ my question, but went on with her$2$ soliloquy, 01:0063;01[A ]| reiterating tirelessly each new proposition, then expounding further, slowly, 01:0063;01[A ]| gently, the benefits for both of us if I would make my home with her$6$. Till 01:0063;01[A ]| nothing was left but this monotonous voice, in the deepening night 01:0064;01[A ]| and the smell of the damp earth and of a strongly scented flower which at the 01:0064;01[A ]| time I could not identify, but which later I identified as spike-lavender. There 01:0064;01[A ]| were beds of it everywhere, in this garden, for Lousse loved spike, she must have$1$ 01:0064;01[A ]| told me herself, otherwise I would not have$1$ known, she loved it above all other 01:0064;01[A ]| herbs and flowers, because of its smell, and then also because of its spikes, and its 01:0064;01[A ]| colour. And if I had not lost my sense of smell the smell of lavender would 01:0064;01[A ]| always make me think of Lousse, in accordance with the well-known mechanism 01:0064;01[A ]| of association. And she gathered this lavender when it bloomed I presume, left it 01:0064;01[A ]| to$9$ dry and then made it up into lavender-bags that she put in her$2$ cupboards to$9$ 01:0064;01[A ]| perfume her$2$ handkerchiefs, her$2$ underclothing and houselinen. But none the less 01:0064;01[A ]| from time to$4$ time I heard the chiming of the hours, from the clocks and belfries, 01:0064;01[A ]| chiming out longer and longer, then suddenly briefly, then longer and longer 01:0064;01[A ]| again. This will give some idea of the time she took to$9$ cozen me, of her$2$ patience 01:0064;01[A ]| and physical endurance, for all the time she was squatting or kneeling beside me, 01:0064;01[A ]| whereas I was stretched out at my ease on the grass, now on my back, now on my 01:0064;01[A ]| stomach, now on one side, now on the other. And all the time she never stopped 01:0064;01[A ]| talking, whereas I only opened my mouth to$9$ ask, at long intervals, more and 01:0064;01[A ]| more feebly, what town we were in. And sure of her$2$ victory at last, or simply 01:0064;01[A ]| feeling she had done all she could and that further insistence was useless, she got 01:0064;01[A ]| up and went away, I do not know where, for I stayed where I was, with regret, mild 01:0064;01[A ]| regret. For in me there have always been two fools, among others, one asking 01:0064;01[A ]| nothing better than to$9$ stay where he is and the other imagining that life might be$1$ 01:0064;01[A ]| slightly less horrible 01:0065;01[A ]| a little further on. So that I was never disappointed, so to$9$ speak, whatever I did, 01:0065;01[A ]| in this domain. And these inseparable fools I indulged turn about, that they 01:0065;01[A ]| might understand their foolishness. 01:0065;00@@@@@| 01:0065;01[A ]| And that night there was no question Or 01:0065;01[A ]| moon, nor any other light, but it was a night of listening, a night given to$4$ the 01:0065;01[A ]| faint soughing and sighing stirring at night in little pleasure gardens, the shy 01:0065;01[A ]| sabbath of leaves and petals and the air that eddies there as it does not in other 01:0065;01[A ]| places, where there is less constraint, and as it does not during the day, when 01:0065;01[A ]| there is more vigilance, and then something else that is not clear, being neither 01:0065;01[A ]| the air nor what it moves, perhaps the far unchanging noise the earth makes and 01:0065;01[A ]| which other noises cover, but not for long. For they do not account for that noise 01:0065;01[A ]| you hear when you really listen, when all seems hushed. And there was another 01:0065;01[A ]| noise, that of my life become the life of this garden as it rode the earth of deeps 01:0065;01[A ]| and wildernesses. Yes, there were times when I forgot not only who I was, but 01:0065;01[A ]| that I was, forgot to$9$ be. Then I was no longer that sealed jar to$4$ which I owed my 01:0065;01[A ]| being so well preserved, but a wall gave way and I filled with roots and tame 01:0065;01[A ]| stems for example, stakes long since dead and ready for burning, the recess of 01:0065;01[A ]| night and the imminence of dawn, and then the labour of the planet rolling eager 01:0065;01[A ]| into winter, winter would rid it of these contemptible scabs. Or of that winter I 01:0065;01[A ]| was the precarious calm, the thaw of the snows which make no difference and all 01:0065;01[A ]| the horrors of it all all over again. But that did not happen to$4$ me often, mostly I 01:0065;01[A ]| stayed in my jar which knew neither seasons nor gardens. And a good thing too. 01:0065;01[A ]| But in there you have to$9$ be$1$ careful, ask yourself questions, as for example 01:0065;01[A ]| whether 01:0066;01[A ]| you still are, and if no when it stopped, and if yes how long it will still go on, 01:0066;01[A ]| anything at all to$9$ keep you from losing the thread of the dream. For my part I 01:0066;01[A ]| willingly asked myself questions, one after the other, just for the sake of looking 01:0066;01[A ]| at them. No, not willingly, wisely, so that I might believe I was still there. And yet 01:0066;01[A ]| it mean. nothing to$4$ me to$9$ be$1$ still there. I called that thinking. I thought almost 01:0066;01[A ]| without stopping, I did not dare stop Perhaps that was the cause of my innocence. 01:0066;01[A ]| It was a little the worse for wear, a little threadbare perhaps, but I was glad to$9$ have$1$ 01:0066;01[A ]| it, yes, I suppose. Thanks I suppose, as the urchin said when I picked up his 01:0066;01[A ]| marble, I do not know why, I did not have$1$ to$9$, and I suppose he would have$1$ 01:0066;01[A ]| preferred to$9$ pick it up himself. Or perhaps it was not to$9$ be$1$ picked up. And the 01:0066;01[A ]| effort it cost me, with my stiff leg. The words engraved themselves for ever on 01:0066;01[A ]| my memory, perhaps because I understood them at once, a thing I did not often 01:0066;01[A ]| do$1$. Not that I was hard of hearing, for I had quite a sensitive ear, and sounds 01:0066;01[A ]| unencumbered with precise meaning were registered perhaps better by me than 01:0066;01[A ]| by most. What was it then? A defect of the understanding perhaps, which only 01:0066;01[A ]| began to$9$ vibrate on repeated solicitations, or which did vibrate, if you like, but at a 01:0066;01[A ]| lower frequency, or a higher, than that of ratiocination, if such a thing is 01:0066;01[A ]| conceivable, and such a thing is conceivable, since I conceive it. Yes, the words I 01:0066;01[A ]| heard, and heard distinctly, having quite a sensitive ear, were heard a first time, 01:0066;01[A ]| then a second, and often even a third, as pure sounds, free of all meaning, and 01:0066;01[A ]| this is probably one of the reasons why conversation was unspeakably painful to$4$ 01:0066;01[A ]| me. And the words I uttered myself, and which must nearly always 01:0067;01[A ]| have$1$ gone with a effort of the intelligence, were often to$4$ me as the buzzing of 01:0067;01[A ]| a insect. And this is perhaps one of the reasons I was so untalkative, I mean this 01:0067;01[A ]| trouble I had in understanding not only what others said to$4$ me, but also what I 01:0067;01[A ]| said to$4$ them. It is true that in the end, by dint of patience, we made ourselves 01:0067;01[A ]| understood, but understood with regard to$4$ what, I ask of you, and to$4$ what 01:0067;01[A ]| purpose? And to$4$ the noises of nature too, and of the works of men, I reacted I 01:0067;01[A ]| think in my own way and without desire of enlightenment. And my eye too, the 01:0067;01[A ]| seeing one, must have$1$ been ill-connected with the spider, for I found it hard to$9$ 01:0067;01[A ]| name what was mirrored there, often quite distinctly. And without going so far as 01:0067;01[A ]| to$9$ say$1$ that I saw the world upside down (that would have$1$ been too easy) it is 01:0067;01[A ]| certain I saw it in a way inordinately formal, though I was far from being a 01:0067;01[A ]| aesthete, or a artist. And of my two eyes only one functioning more or less 01:0067;01[A ]| correctly, I misjudged the distance separating me from the other world, and often 01:0067;01[A ]| I stretched out my hand for what was far beyond my reach, and often I knocked 01:0067;01[A ]| against obstacles scarcely visible on the horizon. But I was like that even when I 01:0067;01[A ]| had my two eyes, it seems to$4$ me, but perhaps not, for it is long since that era of 01:0067;01[A ]| my life, and my recollection of it is more than imperfect. And now I come to$9$ 01:0067;01[A ]| think of it, my attempts at taste and smell were scarcely more fortunate, I smelt 01:0067;01[A ]| and tasted without knowing exactly what, nor whether it was good, nor whether 01:0067;01[A ]| it was bad, and seldom twice running the same thing. I would have$1$ been I think 01:0067;01[A ]| a excellent husband, incapable of wearying of my wife and committing adultery 01:0067;01[A ]| only from absent-mindedness. Now as to$4$ telling you why I stayed a good while 01:0067;01[A ]| with Lousse, no, 01:0068;01[A ]| I can not. That is to$9$ say$1$ I could I suppose, if I took the trouble. But why should I? 01:0068;01[A ]| In order to$9$ establish beyond all question that I could not do$1$ otherwise? For that is 01:0068;01[A ]| the conclusion I would come to$4$, fatally. I who had loved the image of old 01:0068;01[A ]| Geulincx, dead young, who left me free, on the black boat of Ulysses, to$9$ crawl 01:0068;01[A ]| towards the East, along the deck. That is a great measure of freedom, for him who 01:0068;01[A ]| has not the pioneering spirit. And from the poop, poring upon the wave, a sadly 01:0068;01[A ]| rejoicing slave, I follow with my eyes the proud and futile wake. Which, as it 01:0068;01[A ]| bears me from no fatherland away, bears me onward to$4$ no shipwreck. A good 01:0068;01[A ]| while then with Lousse. It is vague, a good while, a few months perhaps, a year 01:0068;01[A ]| perhaps. I know it was warm again the day I left, but that meant nothing, in my 01:0068;01[A ]| part of the world, where it seemed to$9$ be$1$ warm or cold or merely mild at any 01:0068;01[A ]| moment of the year and where the days did not run gently up and down, no, not 01:0068;01[A ]| gently. Perhaps things have changed since. So all I know is that it was much the 01:0068;01[A ]| same weather when I left as when I came, so far as I was capable of knowing what 01:0068;01[A ]| the weather was. And I had been under the weather so long, under all weathers, 01:0068;01[A ]| that I could tell quite well between them, my body could tell between them and 01:0068;01[A ]| seemed even to$9$ have$1$ its likes, its dislikes. I think I stayed in several rooms one 01:0068;01[A ]| after the other, or alternately, I do not know. In my head there are several 01:0068;01[A ]| windows, that I do know, but perhaps it is always the same one, open variously 01:0068;01[A ]| on the parading universe. The house was fixed, that is perhaps what I mean by 01:0068;01[A ]| these different rooms. House and garden were fixed, thanks to$4$ some unknown 01:0068;01[A ]| mechanism of compensation, and I, when I stayed still, as I 01:0069;01[A ]| did most of the time, was fixed too, and when I moved, from place to$4$ place, it 01:0069;01[A ]| was very slowly, as in a cage out of time, as the saying is, in the jargon of the 01:0069;01[A ]| schools, and out of space too to$9$ be$1$ sure. For to$9$ be$1$ out of one and not out of the 01:0069;01[A ]| other was for cleverer than me, who was not clever, but foolish. But I may be$1$ 01:0069;01[A ]| quite wrong. And these different windows that open in my head, when I grope 01:0069;01[A ]| again among those days, really existed perhaps and perhaps do still, in spite of my 01:0069;01[A ]| being no longer there, I mean there looking at them, opening them and shutting 01:0069;01[A ]| them, or crouched in a corner of the room marvelling at the things they framed. 01:0069;01[A ]| But I will not dwell on this episode, so ludicrously brief when you think of it and 01:0069;01[A ]| so poor in substance. For I helped neither in the house nor the garden and knew 01:0069;01[A ]| nothing of what work was going forward, day and night, nothing save the sounds 01:0069;01[A ]| that came to$4$ me, dull sounds and sharp ones too, and then often the roar of air 01:0069;01[A ]| being vigorously churned, it seemed to$4$ me, and which perhaps was nothing 01:0069;01[A ]| more than the sound of burning. I preferred the garden to$4$ the house, to$9$ judge by 01:0069;01[A ]| the long hours I spent there, for I spent there the greater part of the day and of the 01:0069;01[A ]| night, whether it was wet or whether it was fine. Men were always busy there, 01:0069;01[A ]| working at I know not what. For the garden seemed hardly to$9$ change, from day to$4$ 01:0069;01[A ]| day, apart from the tiny changes due to$4$ the customary cycle of birth, life and 01:0069;01[A ]| death. And in the midst of those men I drifted like a dead leaf on springs, or else I 01:0069;01[A ]| lay down on the ground, and then they stepped gingerly over me as though I had 01:0069;01[A ]| been a bed of rare flowers. Yes, it was doubtless in order to$9$ preserve the garden 01:0069;01[A ]| from apparent change that they laboured at it thus. 01:0070;01[A ]| My bicycle had disappeared again. Sometimes I felt the wish to$9$ look for it again, 01:0070;01[A ]| to$9$ find it again and find out what was wrong with it or even go for a little ride on 01:0070;01[A ]| the walks and paths connecting the different parts of the garden. But instead of 01:0070;01[A ]| trying to$9$ satisfy this wish I stayed where I was looking at it, if I may say$1$ so, looking 01:0070;01[A ]| at it as it shrivelled up and finally disappeared, like the famous fatal skin, only 01:0070;01[A ]| much quicker. For there seem to$9$ be$1$ two ways of behaving in the presence of 01:0070;01[A ]| wishes, the active and the contemplative, and though they both give the same 01:0070;01[A ]| result it was the latter I preferred, matter of temperament I presume. 01:0070;00@@@@@| 01:0070;01[A ]| The garden 01:0070;01[A ]| was surrounded with a high wall, its top bristling with broken glass like fins. But 01:0070;01[A ]| what must have$1$ been absolutely unexpected was this, that this wall was broken by 01:0070;01[A ]| a wicket-gate giving free access to$4$ the road, for it was never locked, of that I was 01:0070;01[A ]| all but convinced, having opened and closed it without the least trouble on more 01:0070;01[A ]| than on occasion, both by day and by night, and seen it used by others than 01:0070;01[A ]| myself, for the purpose as well of entrance as of exit. I would stick out my nose, 01:0070;01[A ]| then hastily call it in again. A few further remarks. Never did I see a woman 01:0070;01[A ]| within these precincts, and by precincts I do not merely mean the garden, as I 01:0070;01[A ]| probably should, but the house too, but only men, with the obvious exception of 01:0070;01[A ]| Lousse. What I saw and did not see did not matter much admittedly, but I 01:0070;01[A ]| mention it all the same. Lousse herself I saw but little, she seldom showed 01:0070;01[A ]| herself, to$4$ me, out of tact perhaps, fearing to$9$ alarm me. But I think she spied on 01:0070;01[A ]| me a great deal, hiding behind the bushes, or the curtains, or skulking in the 01:0070;01[A ]| shadows of a first-floor room, with a spy-glass perhaps. For had she not 01:0071;01[A ]| said she desired above all to$9$ see me, both coming and going and rooted to$4$ the 01:0071;01[A ]| spot. And to$9$ get a good view you need the keyhole, the little chink among the 01:0071;01[A ]| leaves, and so on, whatever prevents you from being seen and from seeing more 01:0071;01[A ]| than a little at a time. No? I do not know. Yes, she inspected me, little by little, and 01:0071;01[A ]| even in my very going to$4$ bed, my sleeping and my getting up, the mornings that I 01:0071;01[A ]| went to$4$ bed. For in this matter I remained faithful to$4$ my custom, which was to$9$ 01:0071;01[A ]| sleep in the morning, when I slept at all. For it sometimes happened that I did 01:0071;01[A ]| not sleep at all, for several days, without feeling at all the worse for it. For my 01:0071;01[A ]| waking was a kind of sleeping. And I did not always sleep in the same place, but 01:0071;01[A ]| now I slept in the garden, which was large, and now I slept in the house, which 01:0071;01[A ]| was large too, really extremely spacious. And this uncertainty as to$4$ the hour and 01:0071;01[A ]| place of my sleeping must have$1$ entranced her$6$, I imagine, and made the time pass 01:0071;01[A ]| pleasantly. But it is useless to$9$ dwell on this period of my life. If I go on long 01:0071;01[A ]| enough calling that my life I will end up by believing it. It is the principle of 01:0071;01[A ]| advertising. This period of my life. It reminds me, when I think of it, of air in a 01:0071;01[A ]| water-pipe. So I will only add that this woman went on giving me slow poison, 01:0071;01[A ]| slipping I know not what poisons into the drink she gave me, or into the food 01:0071;01[A ]| she gave me, or both, or one day one, the next the other. That is a grave charge to$9$ 01:0071;01[A ]| bring and I do not bring it lightly. And I bring it without ill-feeling, yes, I accuse 01:0071;01[A ]| her$6$ without ill-feeling of having drugged my food and drink with noxious and 01:0071;01[A ]| insipid powders and potions. But even sipid they would have$1$ made no 01:0071;01[A ]| difference, I would have$1$ swallowed it all down with the same 01:0072;01[A ]| whole-heartedness. That celebrated whiff of almonds for example would never 01:0072;01[A ]| have$1$ taken away my appetite. My appetite ! What a subject. For conversation. I 01:0072;01[A ]| had hardly any. I ate like a thrush. But the little I did eat I devoured with a 01:0072;01[A ]| voracity usually attributed to$4$ heavy eaters, and wrongly, for heavy eaters as a rule 01:0072;01[A ]| eat ponderously and with method, that follows from the very notion of heavy 01:0072;01[A ]| eating. Whereas I flung myself at the mess, gulped down the half or the quarter of 01:0072;01[A ]| it in two mouthfuls without chewing (with what would I have$1$ chewed?), then 01:0072;01[A ]| pushed it from me with loathing. One would have$1$ thought I ate to$9$ live ! 01:0072;01[A ]| Similarly I would engulf five or six mugs of beer with one swig, then drink 01:0072;01[A ]| nothing for a week. What do you expect, one is what one is, partly at least. 01:0072;01[A ]| Nothing or little to$9$ be$1$ done. Now as to$4$ the substances she insinuated thus into 01:0072;01[A ]| my various systems, I could not say$1$ whether they were stimulants or whether 01:0072;01[A ]| they were not rather depressants. The truth is, coenaesthetically speaking of 01:0072;01[A ]| course, I felt more or less the same as usual, that is to$9$ say$1$, if I may give myself 01:0072;01[A ]| away, so terror-stricken that I was virtually bereft of feeling, not to$9$ say$1$ of 01:0072;01[A ]| consciousness, and drowned in a deep and merciful torpor shot with brief 01:0072;01[A ]| abominable gleams, I give you my word. Against such harmony of what avail the 01:0072;01[A ]| miserable molys of Lousse, administered in infinitesimal doses probably, to$9$ draw 01:0072;01[A ]| the pleasure out. Not that they remained entirely without effect, no, that would 01:0072;01[A ]| be$1$ a exaggeration. For from time to$4$ time I caught myself making a little bound 01:0072;01[A ]| in the air, two or three feet off the ground at least, at least, I who never bounded. 01:0072;01[A ]| It looked like levitation. And it happened too, less surprisingly, when I was 01:0072;01[A ]| walking, or even 01:0073;01[A ]| propped up against something, that I suddenly collapsed, like a puppet when its 01:0073;01[A ]| strings are dropped, and lay long where I fell, literally boneless. Yes, that struck 01:0073;01[A ]| me as less strange, for I was used to$4$ collapsing thus, but with this difference, that I 01:0073;01[A ]| felt it coming, and prepared myself accordingly, as a epileptic does when he feels 01:0073;01[A ]| the fit coming. I mean that knowing I was going to$9$ fall I lay down, or I wedged 01:0073;01[A ]| myself where I stood so firmly that nothing short of a earthquake could have$1$ 01:0073;01[A ]| dislodged me, and I waited. But these were precautions I did not always take, 01:0073;01[A ]| preferring the fall to$4$ the trouble of having to$9$ lie down or stand fast. Whereas the 01:0073;01[A ]| falls I suffered when with Lousse did not give me a chance to$9$ circumvent them. 01:0073;01[A ]| But all the same they surprised me less, they were more in keeping with me, than 01:0073;01[A ]| the little bounds. For even as a child I do not remember ever having bounded, 01:0073;01[A ]| neither rage nor pain ever made me bound, even as a child, however ill-qualified 01:0073;01[A ]| I am to$9$ speak of that time. Now with regard to$4$ my food, it seems to$4$ me I ate it as, 01:0073;01[A ]| when and where it best suited me. I never had to$9$ call for it. It was brought to$4$ me, 01:0073;01[A ]| wherever I happened to$9$ be, on a tray. I can still see the tray, almost at will, it was 01:0073;01[A ]| round, with a low rim, to$9$ keep the things from falling off, and coated with red 01:0073;01[A ]| lacquer, cracking here and there. It was small too, as became a tray having to$9$ hold 01:0073;01[A ]| a single dish and one slab of bread For the little I ate I crammed into my mouth 01:0073;01[A ]| with my hands, and the bottles I drank from the bottle were brought to$4$ me 01:0073;01[A ]| separately, in a basket. But this basket made no impression on me, good or bad, 01:0073;01[A ]| and I could not tell you what it was like. And many a time, having strayed for 01:0073;01[A ]| one reason or another from the place where the meal 01:0074;01[A ]| had been brought to$4$ me, I could not find it again, when I felt the desire to$9$ eat. 01:0074;01[A ]| Then I searched high and low, often with success, being fairly familiar with the 01:0074;01[A ]| places where I was likely to$9$ have$1$ been, but often too in vain. Or I did not search at 01:0074;01[A ]| all, preferring hunger and thirst to$4$ the trouble of having to$9$ search without being 01:0074;01[A ]| sure of finding, or of having to$9$ ask for another tray to$9$ be$1$ brought, and another 01:0074;01[A ]| basket, or the same, to$4$ the place where I was. It was then I regretted my sucking-stone. 01:0074;01[A ]| And when I talk of preferring, for example, or regretting, it must not be$1$ 01:0074;01[A ]| supposed that I opted for the least evil, and adopted it, for that would be$1$ wrong. 01:0074;01[A ]| But not knowing exactly what I was doing or avoiding, I did it and avoided it all 01:0074;01[A ]| unsuspecting that one day, much later, I would have$1$ to$9$ go back over all these acts 01:0074;01[A ]| and omissions, dimmed and mellowed by age, and drag them into the 01:0074;01[A ]| eudemonistic slop. But I must say$1$ that with Lousse my health got no worse, or 01:0074;01[A ]| scarcely. By which I mean that what was already wrong with me got worse and 01:0074;01[A ]| worse, little by little, as was only to$9$ be$1$ expected. But there was kindled no new 01:0074;01[A ]| seat of suffering or infection, except of course those arising from the spread of 01:0074;01[A ]| existing plethoras and deficiencies. But I may very well be$1$ wrong. For of the 01:0074;01[A ]| disorders to$9$ come, as for example the loss of the toes of my left foot, no, I am 01:0074;01[A ]| wrong, my right foot, who can say$1$ exactly when on my helpless clay the fatal 01:0074;01[A ]| seeds were sown. So all I can say$1$, and I do my best to$9$ say$1$ no more, is that during 01:0074;01[A ]| my stay with Lousse no more new symptoms appeared, of a pathological nature, I 01:0074;01[A ]| mean nothing new or strange, nothing I could not have$1$ foreseen if I could have$1$, 01:0074;01[A ]| nothing at all comparable to$4$ the sudden loss of half my toes. For 01:0075;01[A ]| that is something I could never have$1$ foreseen and the meaning of which I have 01:0075;01[A ]| never fathomed, I mean its connexion with my other discomforts, from my 01:0075;01[A ]| ignorance of medical matters, I suppose. For all things run together, in the body's 01:0075;01[A ]| long madness, I feel it. But it is useless to$9$ drag out this chapter of my, how shall I 01:0075;01[A ]| say$1$, my existence, for it has no sense, to$4$ my mind. It is a dug at which I tug in 01:0075;01[A ]| vain, it yields nothing but wind and spatter. 01:0075;00@@@@@| 01:0075;01[A ]| So I will confine myself to$4$ the 01:0075;01[A ]| following brief additional remarks, and the first of which is this, that Lousse was 01:0075;01[A ]| a woman of a extraordinary flatness, physically speaking of course, to$4$ such a 01:0075;01[A ]| point that I am still wondering this evening, in the comparative silence of my 01:0075;01[A ]| last abode, if she was not a man rather or at least a androgyne. She had a 01:0075;01[A ]| somewhat hairy face, or am I imagining it, in the interests of the narrative? The 01:0075;01[A ]| poor woman, I saw her$6$ so little, so little looked at her$6$. And was not her$2$ voice 01:0075;01[A ]| suspiciously deep? So she appears to$4$ me today. Do not be$1$ tormenting yourself, 01:0075;01[A ]| Molloy, man or woman, what does it matter? But I can not help asking myself the 01:0075;01[A ]| following question. Could a woman have$1$ stopped me as I swept towards mother? 01:0075;01[A ]| Probably. Better still, was such a encounter possible, I mean between me and a 01:0075;01[A ]| woman? Now men, I have rubbed up against a few men in my time, but women? 01:0075;01[A ]| Oh well, I may as well confess it now, yes, I once rubbed up against one. I do not 01:0075;01[A ]| mean my mother, I did more than rub up against her$6$. And if you do not mind 01:0075;01[A ]| we will leave my mother out of all this. But another who might have$1$ been my 01:0075;01[A ]| mother, and even I think my grandmother, if chance had not willed otherwise. 01:0075;01[A ]| Listen to$4$ him now talking about chance. It was she made me acquainted 01:0076;01[A ]| with love. She went by the peaceful name of Ruth I think, but I can not say$1$ for 01:0076;01[A ]| certain. Perhaps the name was Edith. She had a hole between her$2$ legs, oh not the 01:0076;01[A ]| bunghole I had always imagined, but a slit, and in this I put, or rather she put, my 01:0076;01[A ]| so-called virile member, not without difficulty, and I toiled and moiled until I 01:0076;01[A ]| discharged or gave up trying or was begged by her$6$ to$9$ stop. A mug's game in my 01:0076;01[A ]| opinion and tiring on top of that, in the long run. But I lent myself to$4$ it with a 01:0076;01[A ]| good enough grace, knowing it was love, for she had told me so. She bent over 01:0076;01[A ]| the couch, because of her$2$ rheumatism, and in I went from behind. It was the only 01:0076;01[A ]| position she could bear, because of her$2$ lumbago. It seemed all right to$4$ me for I 01:0076;01[A ]| had seen dogs, and I was astonished when she confided that you could go about it 01:0076;01[A ]| differently. I wonder what she meant exactly. Perhaps after all she put me in her$2$ 01:0076;01[A ]| rectum. A matter of complete indifference to$4$ me, I need not tell you. But is it true 01:0076;01[A ]| love, in the rectum? That is what bothers me sometimes. Have I never known 01:0076;01[A ]| true love, after all? She too was a eminently flat woman and she moved with 01:0076;01[A ]| short stiff steps, leaning on a ebony stick. Perhaps she too was a man, yet 01:0076;01[A ]| another of them. But in that case surely our testicles would have$1$ collided, while 01:0076;01[A ]| we writhed. Perhaps she held hers tight in her$2$ hand, on purpose to$9$ avoid it. She 01:0076;01[A ]| favoured voluminous tempestuous shifts and petticoats and other 01:0076;01[A ]| undergarments whose names I forget. They welled up all frothing and swishing 01:0076;01[A ]| and then, congress achieved, broke over us in slow cascades. And all I could see 01:0076;01[A ]| was her$2$ taut yellow nape which every now and then I set my teeth in, forgetting I 01:0076;01[A ]| had none, such is the power of instinct. We met in a rubbish dump, 01:0077;01[A ]| unlike any other, and yet they are all alike, rubbish dumps. I do not know what 01:0077;01[A ]| she was doing there. I was limply poking about in the garbage saying probably, for 01:0077;01[A ]| at that age I must still have$1$ been capable of general ideas, This is life. She had no 01:0077;01[A ]| time to$9$ lose, I had nothing to$9$ lose, I would have$1$ made love with a goat, to$9$ know 01:0077;01[A ]| what love was She had a dainty flat, no, not dainty, it made you want to$9$ lie down 01:0077;01[A ]| in a corner and never get up again. I liked it. It was full of dainty furniture, under 01:0077;01[A ]| our desperate strokes the couch moved forward on its castors, the whole place fell 01:0077;01[A ]| about our ears, it was pandemonium. Our commerce was not without 01:0077;01[A ]| tenderness, with trembling hands she cut my toe-nails and I rubbed her$2$ rump 01:0077;01[A ]| with winter cream. This idyll was of short duration. Poor Edith, I hastened her$2$ 01:0077;01[A ]| end perhaps. Anyway it was she who started it, in the rubbish dump, when she 01:0077;01[A ]| laid her$2$ hand upon my fly. More precisely, I was bent double over a heap of 01:0077;01[A ]| muck, in the hope of finding something to$9$ disgust me for ever with eating, when 01:0077;01[A ]| she, undertaking me from behind, thrust her$2$ stick between my legs and began to$9$ 01:0077;01[A ]| titillate my privates. She gave me money after each session, to$4$ me who would 01:0077;01[A ]| have$1$ consented to$9$ know love, and probe it to$4$ the bottom, without charge. But she 01:0077;01[A ]| was a idealist. I would have$1$ preferred it seems to$4$ me a orifice less arid and 01:0077;01[A ]| roomy, that would have$1$ given me a higher opinion of love it seems to$4$ me. 01:0077;01[A ]| However. Twixt finger and thumb it is heaven in comparison. But love is no 01:0077;01[A ]| doubt above such base contingencies. And not when you are comfortable, but 01:0077;01[A ]| when your frantic member casts about for a rubbing-place and the unction of a 01:0077;01[A ]| little mucous membrane, and meeting with none does not beat in retreat, but 01:0077;01[A ]| retains its tumefaction, 01:0078;01[A ]| it is then no doubt that true love comes to$9$ pass, and wings away, high above the 01:0078;01[A ]| tight fit and the loose. And when you add a little pedicure and massage, having 01:0078;01[A ]| nothing to$9$ do$1$ with the instant of bliss strictly speaking, then I feel no further 01:0078;01[A ]| doubt is justified, in this connexion. The other thing that bothers me, in this 01:0078;01[A ]| connexion, is the indifference with which I learnt of her$2$ death, one black night I 01:0078;01[A ]| was crawling towards her$6$, a indifference softened indeed by the pain of losing a 01:0078;01[A ]| source of revenue. She died taking a warm tub, as her$2$ custom was before 01:0078;01[A ]| receiving me. It limbered her$6$ up. When I think she might have$1$ expired in my 01:0078;01[A ]| arms! The tub overturned and the dirty water spilt all over the floor and down 01:0078;01[A ]| on top of the lodger below, who gave the alarm. Well, well, I did not think I knew 01:0078;01[A ]| this story so well. She must have$1$ been a woman after all, if she had not been it 01:0078;01[A ]| would have$1$ got around, in the neighbourhood. It is true they were 01:0078;01[A ]| extraordinarily reserved, in my part of the world, about everything connected 01:0078;01[A ]| with sexual matters. But things have perhaps changed since my time. And it is 01:0078;01[A ]| quite possible that the fact of having found a man when they should have$1$ found 01:0078;01[A ]| a woman was immediately repressed and forgotten, by the few unfortunate 01:0078;01[A ]| enough to$9$ know about it. As it is quite possible that everybody knew about it, and 01:0078;01[A ]| spoke about it, with the sole exception of myself. But there is one thing that 01:0078;01[A ]| torments me, when I delve into all this, and that is to$9$ know whether all my life 01:0078;01[A ]| has been devoid of love or whether I really met with it, in Ruth. What I do know 01:0078;01[A ]| for certain is that I never sought to$9$ repeat the experience, having I suppose the 01:0078;01[A ]| intuition that it had been unique and perfect, of its kind, achieved and inimitable, 01:0078;01[A ]| and that it behoved me to$9$ 01:0079;01[A ]| preserve its memory, pure of all pastiche, in my heart, even if it meant my 01:0079;01[A ]| resorting from time to$4$ time to$4$ the alleged joys of so-called self-abuse. Do not talk to$4$ 01:0079;01[A ]| me about the chambermaid, I should never have$1$ mentioned her$6$, she was long 01:0079;01[A ]| before, I was sick, perhaps there was no chambermaid, ever, in my life. Molloy, or 01:0079;01[A ]| life without a chambermaid. All of which goes to$9$ demonstrate that the fact of 01:0079;01[A ]| having met Lousse and even frequented her$6$, in a way, proved nothing as to$4$ her$2$ 01:0079;01[A ]| sex. And I am quite willing to$9$ go on thinking of her$6$ as a old woman, widowed 01:0079;01[A ]| and withered, and of Ruth as another, for she too used to$9$ speak of her$2$ defunct 01:0079;01[A ]| husband and of his inability to$9$ satisfy her$2$ legitimate cravings. And there are days, 01:0079;01[A ]| like this evening, when my memory confuses them and I am tempted to$9$ think of 01:0079;01[A ]| them as one and the same old hag, flattened and crazed by life. And God forgive 01:0079;01[A ]| me, to$9$ tell you the horrible truth, my mother's image sometimes mingles with 01:0079;01[A ]| theirs, which is literally unendurable, like being crucified, I do not know why and I 01:0079;01[A ]| do not want to$9$. But I left Lousse at last, one warm airless night, without saying 01:0079;01[A ]| goodbye, as I might at least have$1$ done, and without her$2$ trying to$9$ hold me back, 01:0079;01[A ]| except perhaps by spells. But she must have$1$ seen me go, get up, take my crutches 01:0079;01[A ]| and go away, springing on them through the air. And she must have$1$ seen the 01:0079;01[A ]| wicket close behind me, for it closed by itself, with the help of a spring, and 01:0079;01[A ]| known me gone, for ever. For she knew the way I had of going to$4$ the wicket and 01:0079;01[A ]| peeping out, then quickly drawing back. And she did not try and hold me back but 01:0079;01[A ]| she went and sat down on her$2$ dog's grave, perhaps, which was mine too in a 01:0079;01[A ]| way, and which by the way she had not sown with grass, 01:0080;01[A ]| as I had thought, but with all kinds of little many-coloured flowers and 01:0080;01[A ]| herbacious plants, selected I imagine in such a way that when some went out 01:0080;01[A ]| others lit up. I left her$6$ my bicycle which I had taken a dislike to$4$, suspecting it to$9$ be$1$ 01:0080;01[A ]| the vehicle of some malignant agency and perhaps the cause of my recent 01:0080;01[A ]| misfortunes. But all the same I would have$1$ taken it with me if I had known 01:0080;01[A ]| where it was and that it was in running order. But I did not. And I was afraid, if I 01:0080;01[A ]| tried to$9$ find out, of wearing out the small voice saying, Get out of here, Molloy, 01:0080;01[A ]| take your crutches and get out of here and which I had taken so long to$9$ 01:0080;01[A ]| understand, for I had been hearing it for a long time. And perhaps I understood it 01:0080;01[A ]| all wrong, but I understood it and that was the novelty. And it seemed to$4$ me I 01:0080;01[A ]| was not necessarily going for good and that I might come back one day, by 01:0080;01[A ]| devious winding ways, to$4$ the place I was leaving. And perhaps my course is not 01:0080;01[A ]| yet fully run. 01:0080;00@@@@@| 01:0080;01[A ]| Outside in the road the wind was blowing, it was another world. 01:0080;01[A ]| Not knowing where I was nor consequently what way I ought to$9$ go I went with 01:0080;01[A ]| the wind. And when, well slung between my crutches, I took off, then I felt it 01:0080;01[A ]| helping me, that little wind blowing from what quarter I could not tell. And 01:0080;01[A ]| do not come talking at me of the stars, they look all the same to$4$ me, yes, I can not 01:0080;01[A ]| read the stars, in spite of my astronomical studies. But I entered the first shelter I 01:0080;01[A ]| came to$4$ and stayed there till dawn, for I knew I was bound to$9$ be$1$ stopped by the 01:0080;01[A ]| first policeman and asked what I was doing, a question to$4$ which I have never 01:0080;01[A ]| been able to$9$ find the correct reply. But it can not have$1$ been a real shelter and I did 01:0080;01[A ]| not stay till dawn, for a man came in soon after me and drove me out. And yet 01:0080;01[A ]| there was room for two. I think he 01:0081;01[A ]| was a kind of nightwatchman, a man of some kind certainly, he must have$1$ 01:0081;01[A ]| been employed to$9$ watch over some kind of public works, digging I suppose. I see 01:0081;01[A ]| a brazier. There must have$1$ been a touch of autumn in the air, as the saying is. I 01:0081;01[A ]| therefore moved on and ensconced myself on a flight of stairs, in a mean lodging-house, 01:0081;01[A ]| because there was no door or it did not shut, I do not know. Long before 01:0081;01[A ]| dawn this lodging-house began to$9$ empty. People came down the stairs, men and 01:0081;01[A ]| women. I glued myself against the wall. They paid no heed to$4$ me, nobody 01:0081;01[A ]| interfered with me. In the end I too went away, when I deemed it prudent, and 01:0081;01[A ]| wandered about the town in search of a familiar monument, so that I might say$1$, I 01:0081;01[A ]| am in my town, after all, I have been there all the time. The town was waking, 01:0081;01[A ]| doors opening and shutting, soon the noise would be$1$ deafening. But espying a 01:0081;01[A ]| narrow alley between two high buildings I looked about me, then slipped into it. 01:0081;01[A ]| Little windows overlooked it, on either side, on every floor, facing one another. 01:0081;01[A ]| Lavatory lights I suppose. There are things from time to$4$ time, in spite of 01:0081;01[A ]| everything, that impose themselves on the understanding with the force of 01:0081;01[A ]| axioms, for unknown reasons. There was no way out of the alley, it was not so 01:0081;01[A ]| much a alley as a blind alley. At the end there were two recesses, no, that is not 01:0081;01[A ]| the word, opposite each other, littered with miscellaneous rubbish and with 01:0081;01[A ]| excrements, of dogs and masters, some dry and odourless, others still moist. Ah 01:0081;01[A ]| those papers never to$9$ be$1$ read again, perhaps never read. Here lovers must have$1$ 01:0081;01[A ]| lain at night and exchanged their vows. I entered one of the alcoves, wrong again, 01:0081;01[A ]| and leaned against the wall. I would have$1$ preferred to$9$ lie down and there was no 01:0081;01[A ]| proof that I 01:0082;01[A ]| would not. But for the moment I was content to$9$ lean against the wall, my feet 01:0082;01[A ]| far from the wall, on the verge of slipping, but I had other props, the tips of my 01:0082;01[A ]| crutches. But a few minutes later I crossed the alley into the other chapel, that is 01:0082;01[A ]| the word, where I felt I might feel better, and settled myself in the same 01:0082;01[A ]| hypotenusal posture. And at first I did actually seem to$9$ feel a little better, but little 01:0082;01[A ]| by little I acquired the conviction that such was not the case. A fine rain was 01:0082;01[A ]| falling and I took off my hat to$9$ give my skull the benefit of it, my skull all cracked 01:0082;01[A ]| and furrowed and on fire, on fire. But I also took it off because it was digging into 01:0082;01[A ]| my neck, because of the thrust of the wall. So I had two good reasons for taking it 01:0082;01[A ]| off and they were none too many, neither alone would ever have$1$ prevailed I feel. 01:0082;01[A ]| I threw it from me with a careless lavish gesture and back it came, at the end of its 01:0082;01[A ]| string or lace, and after a few throes came to$9$ rest against my side. At last I began to$9$ 01:0082;01[A ]| think, that is to$9$ say$1$ to$9$ listen harder. Little chance of my being found there, I was 01:0082;01[A ]| in peace for as long as I could endure peace. For the space of a instant I 01:0082;01[A ]| considered settling down there, making it my lair and sanctuary, for the space of 01:0082;01[A ]| a instant. I took the vegetable knife from my pocket and set about opening my 01:0082;01[A ]| wrist. But pain soon got the better of me. First I cried out, then I gave up, closed 01:0082;01[A ]| the knife and put it back in my pocket. I was not particularly disappointed, in my 01:0082;01[A ]| heart of hearts I had not hoped for anything better. So much for that. And 01:0082;01[A ]| backsliding has always depressed me, but life seems made up of backsliding, and 01:0082;01[A ]| death itself must be$1$ a kind of backsliding, I would not be$1$ surprised. Did I say$1$ the 01:0082;01[A ]| wind had fallen? A fine rain falling, somehow that seems to$9$ exclude all idea of 01:0082;01[A ]| wind. 01:0083;01[A ]| My knees are enormous, I have just caught a glimpse of them, when I got up 01:0083;01[A ]| for a second. My two legs are as stiff as a life-sentence and yet I sometimes get up. 01:0083;01[A ]| What can you expect? Thus from time to$4$ time I shall recall my present existence 01:0083;01[A ]| compared to$4$ which this is a nursery tale. But only from time to$4$ time, so that it 01:0083;01[A ]| may be$1$ said, if necessary, whenever necessary, Is it possible that thing is still 01:0083;01[A ]| alive? Or again, Oh it is only a diary, it will soon be$1$ over. That my knees are 01:0083;01[A ]| enormous, that I still get up from time to$4$ time, these are things that do not seem 01:0083;01[A ]| at first sight to$9$ signify anything in particular. I record them all the more willingly. 01:0083;01[A ]| In the end I left the impasse, where half-standing half-lying I may have$1$ had a 01:0083;01[A ]| little sleep, my little morning sleep, and I set off, believe it or not, towards the 01:0083;01[A ]| sun, why not, the wind having fallen. Or rather towards the least gloomy quarter 01:0083;01[A ]| of the heavens which a vast cloud was shrouding from the zenith to$4$ the skylines. 01:0083;01[A ]| It was from this cloud the above rain was falling. See how all things hang 01:0083;01[A ]| together. And as to$4$ making up my mind which quarter of the heavens was the 01:0083;01[A ]| least gloomy, it was no easy matter. For at first sight the heavens seemed 01:0083;01[A ]| uniformly gloomy. But by taking a little pains, for there were moments in my life 01:0083;01[A ]| when I took a little pains, I obtained a result, that is to$9$ say$1$ I came to$4$ a decision, in 01:0083;01[A ]| this matter. So I was able to$9$ continue on my way, saying, I am going towards the 01:0083;01[A ]| sun, that is to$9$ say$1$ in theory towards the East, or perhaps the South-East, for I am 01:0083;01[A ]| no longer with Lousse, but out in the heart again of the pare-established 01:0083;01[A ]| harmony, which makes so sweet a music, which is so sweet a music, for one who 01:0083;01[A ]| has a ear for music. People were hastening angrily to$8$ and fro, most of them, 01:0083;01[A ]| some in the shelter of 01:0084;01[A ]| the umbrella, others in that perhaps a little less effective of the rain proof coat. 01:0084;01[A ]| A few had taken refuge under trees and archways. And among those who, more 01:0084;01[A ]| courageous or less delicate, came and went, and among those who had stopped, to$9$ 01:0084;01[A ]| avoid getting wet, many a one must have$1$ said, They are right, I am wrong, 01:0084;01[A ]| meaning by they the category to$4$ which he did not belong, or so I imagine. As 01:0084;01[A ]| many a one too must have$1$ said, I am right, they are wrong, while continuing to$9$ 01:0084;01[A ]| storm against the foul weather that was the occasion of his superiority. But at the 01:0084;01[A ]| sight of a young old man of wretched aspect, shivering all alone in a narrow 01:0084;01[A ]| doorway, I suddenly remembered the project conceived the day of my encounter 01:0084;01[A ]| with Lousse and her$2$ dog and which this encounter had prevented me from 01:0084;01[A ]| carrying out. So I went and stood beside him, with the air I hoped of one who 01:0084;01[A ]| says, Here is a clever fellow, let me follow his example. But before I should make 01:0084;01[A ]| my little speech, which I wished to$9$ seem spontaneous and so did not make at 01:0084;01[A ]| once, he went out into the rain and away. For this speech was one liable, in virtue 01:0084;01[A ]| of its content, if not to$9$ offend at least to$9$ astonish. And that was why it was 01:0084;01[A ]| important to$9$ deliver it at the right moment and in the right tone. I apologize for 01:0084;01[A ]| these details, in a moment we will go faster, much faster. And then perhaps relapse 01:0084;01[A ]| again into a wealth of filthy circumstance. But which in its turn again will give 01:0084;01[A ]| way to$4$ vast frescoes, dashed off with loathing. Homo mensura can not do$1$ without 01:0084;01[A ]| staffage. There I am then in my turn alone, in the doorway. I could not hope for 01:0084;01[A ]| anyone to$9$ come and stand beside me, and yet it was a possibility I did not exclude. 01:0084;01[A ]| That is a fairly good caricature of my state of mind at that instant. Net result, I 01:0084;01[A ]| stayed where 01:0085;01[A ]| I was. I had stolen from Lousse a little silver, oh nothing much, massive 01:0085;01[A ]| teaspoons for the most part, and other small objects whose utility I did not grasp 01:0085;01[A ]| but which seemed as if they might have$1$ some value. Among these latter there 01:0085;01[A ]| was one which haunts me still, from time to$4$ time. It consisted of two crosses 01:0085;01[A ]| joined, at their points of intersection, by a bar, and resembled a tiny sawing-horse, 01:0085;01[A ]| with this difference however, that the crosses of the true sawing-horse are not 01:0085;01[A ]| perfect crosses, but truncated at the top, whereas the crosses of the little object I 01:0085;01[A ]| am referring to$4$ were perfect, that is to$9$ say$1$ composed each of two identical V's, one 01:0085;01[A ]| upper with its opening above, like all V's for that matter, and the other lower 01:0085;01[A ]| with its opening below, or more precisely of four rigorously identical V's, the two 01:0085;01[A ]| I have just named and then two more, one on the right hand, the other on the 01:0085;01[A ]| left, having their openings on the right and the left respectively. But perhaps it is 01:0085;01[A ]| out of place to$9$ speak here of right and left, of upper and lower. For this little 01:0085;01[A ]| object did not seem to$9$ have$1$ any base properly so-called, but stood with equal 01:0085;01[A ]| stability on any one of its four bases, and without any change of appearance, 01:0085;01[A ]| which is not true of the sawing-horse. This strange instrument I think I still have 01:0085;01[A ]| somewhere, for I could never bring myself to$9$ sell it, even in my worst need, for I 01:0085;01[A ]| could never understand what possible purpose it could serve, nor even contrive 01:0085;01[A ]| the faintest hypothesis on the subject. And from time to$4$ time I took it from my 01:0085;01[A ]| pocket and gazed upon it, with a astonished and affectionate gaze, if I had not 01:0085;01[A ]| been incapable of affection. But for a certain time I think it inspired me with a 01:0085;01[A ]| kind of veneration, for there was no doubt in my mind that it was not a object 01:0085;01[A ]| of virtu, but 01:0086;01[A ]| that it had a most specific function always to$9$ be$1$ hidden from me. I could 01:0086;01[A ]| therefore puzzle over it endlessly without the least risk. For to$9$ know nothing is 01:0086;01[A ]| nothing, not to$9$ want to$9$ know anything likewise, but to$9$ be$1$ beyond knowing 01:0086;01[A ]| anything, to$9$ know you are beyond knowing anything, that is when peace enters 01:0086;01[A ]| in, to$4$ the soul of the incurious seeker. It is then the true division begins, of 01:0086;01[A ]| twenty-two by seven for example, and the pages fill with the true ciphers at last. 01:0086;01[A ]| But I would rather not affirm anything on this subject. What does seem 01:0086;01[A ]| undeniable to$4$ me on the contrary is this, that giving in to$4$ the evidence, to$4$ a very 01:0086;01[A ]| strong probability rather, I left the shelter of the doorway and began levering 01:0086;01[A ]| myself forward, swinging slowly through the sullen air. There is rapture, or there 01:0086;01[A ]| should be, in the motion crutches give. It is a series of little flights, skimming the 01:0086;01[A ]| ground. You take off, you land, through the thronging sound in wind and limb, 01:0086;01[A ]| who have to$9$ fasten one foot to$4$ the ground before they dare lift up the other. And 01:0086;01[A ]| even their most joyous hastening is less aerial than my hobble. But these are 01:0086;01[A ]| reasonings, based on analysis. And though my mind was still taken up with my 01:0086;01[A ]| mother, and with the desire to$9$ know if I was near her$6$, it was gradually less so, 01:0086;01[A ]| perhaps because of the silver in my pockets, but I think not, and then too because 01:0086;01[A ]| these were ancient cares and the mind can not always brood on the same cares, but 01:0086;01[A ]| needs fresh cares from time to$4$ time, so as to$9$ revert with renewed vigour, when 01:0086;01[A ]| the time comes to$4$ ancient cares. 01:0086;00@@@@@| 01:0086;01[A ]| But can one speak here of fresh and ancient 01:0086;01[A ]| cares? I think not. But it would be$1$ hard for me to$9$ prove it. What I can assert, 01:0086;01[A ]| without fear of-without fear, is that I gradually lost interest in knowing, 01:0087;01[A ]| among other things, what town I was in and if I should soon find my mother 01:0087;01[A ]| and settle the matter between us. And even the nature of that matter grew dim, 01:0087;01[A ]| for me, without however vanishing completely. For it was no small matter and I 01:0087;01[A ]| was bent on it. All my life, I think, I had been bent on it. Yes, so far as I was 01:0087;01[A ]| capable of being bent on anything all a lifetime long, and what a lifetime, I had 01:0087;01[A ]| been bent on settling this matter between my mother and me, but had never 01:0087;01[A ]| succeeded. And while saying to$4$ myself that time was running out, and that soon 01:0087;01[A ]| it would be$1$ too late, was perhaps too late already, to$9$ settle the matter in question, I 01:0087;01[A ]| felt myself drifting towards other cares, other phantoms. And far more than to$9$ 01:0087;01[A ]| know what town I was in, my haste was now to$9$ leave it, even were it the right 01:0087;01[A ]| one, where my mother had waited so long and perhaps was waiting still. And it 01:0087;01[A ]| seemed to$4$ me that if I kept on in a straight line I was bound to$9$ leave it, sooner or 01:0087;01[A ]| later. So I set myself to$4$ this as best I could, making allowance for the drift to$4$ the 01:0087;01[A ]| right of the feeble light that was my guide. And my pertinacity was such that I did 01:0087;01[A ]| indeed come to$4$ the ramparts as night was falling, having described a good quarter 01:0087;01[A ]| of a circle, through bad navigation. It is true I stopped many times, to$9$ rest, but not 01:0087;01[A ]| for long, for I felt harried, wrongly perhaps. But in the country there is another 01:0087;01[A ]| justice, other judges, at first. And having cleared the ramparts I had to$9$ confess the 01:0087;01[A ]| sky was clearing, prior to$4$ its winding in the other shroud, night. Yes, the great 01:0087;01[A ]| cloud was ravelling, discovering here and there a pale and dying sky, and the sun, 01:0087;01[A ]| already down, was manifest in the livid tongues of fire darting towards the 01:0087;01[A ]| zenith, falling and darting again, ever more pale and languid, 01:0088;01[A ]| and doomed no sooner lit to$9$ be$1$ extinguished. This phenomenon, if I remember 01:0088;01[A ]| rightly, was characteristic of my region. Things are perhaps different today. 01:0088;01[A ]| Though I fail to$9$ see, never having left my region, what right I have to$9$ speak of its 01:0088;01[A ]| characteristics. No, I never escaped, and even the limits of my region were 01:0088;01[A ]| unknown to$4$ me. But I felt they were far away. But this feeling was based on 01:0088;01[A ]| nothing serious, it was a simple feeling. For if my region had ended no further 01:0088;01[A ]| than my feet could carry me, surely I would have$1$ felt it changing slowly. For 01:0088;01[A ]| regions do not suddenly end, as far as I know, but gradually merge into one 01:0088;01[A ]| another. And I never noticed anything of the kind, but however far I went, and 01:0088;01[A ]| in no matter what direction, it was always the same sky, always the same earth, 01:0088;01[A ]| precisely, day after day and night after night. On the other hand, if it is true that 01:0088;01[A ]| regions gradually merge into one another, and this remains to$9$ be$1$ proved, then I 01:0088;01[A ]| may well have$1$ left mine many times, thinking I was still within it. But I 01:0088;01[A ]| preferred to$9$ abide by my simple feeling and its voice that said, Molloy, your 01:0088;01[A ]| region is vast, you have never left it and you never shall. And wheresoever you 01:0088;01[A ]| wander, within its distant limits, things will always be$1$ the same, precisely. It 01:0088;01[A ]| would thus appear, if this is so, that my movements owed nothing to$4$ the places 01:0088;01[A ]| they caused to$9$ vanish, but were due to$4$ something else, to$4$ the buckled wheel that 01:0088;01[A ]| carried me, in unforeseeable jerks, from fatigue to$4$ rest, and inversely, for 01:0088;01[A ]| example. But now I do not wander any more, anywhere any more, and indeed I 01:0088;01[A ]| scarcely stir at all, and yet nothing is changed. And the confines of my room, of 01:0088;01[A ]| my bed, of my body, are as remote from me as were those of my region, in the 01:0088;01[A ]| days of my splendour. 01:0089;01[A ]| And the cycle continues, joltingly, of flight and bivouac, in a Egypt without 01:0089;01[A ]| bounds, without infant, without mother. And when I see my hands, on the sheet, 01:0089;01[A ]| which they love to$9$ floccillate already, they are not mine, less than ever mine, I 01:0089;01[A ]| have no arms, they are a couple, they play with the sheet, love-play perhaps, 01:0089;01[A ]| trying to$9$ get up perhaps, one on top of the other. But it does not last, I bring them 01:0089;01[A ]| back, little by little, towards me, it is resting time. And with my feet it is the same, 01:0089;01[A ]| sometimes, when I see them at the foot of the bed, one with toes, the other 01:0089;01[A ]| without. And that is more deserving of mention. For my legs, corresponding 01:0089;01[A ]| here to$4$ my arms of a moment ago, are both stiff now and very sore, and I 01:0089;01[A ]| should not be$1$ able to$9$ forget them as I can my arms, which are more or less sound 01:0089;01[A ]| and well. And yet I do forget them and I watch the couple as they watch each 01:0089;01[A ]| other, a great way off. But my feet are not like my hands, I do not bring them back 01:0089;01[A ]| to$4$ me, when they become my feet again, for I can not, but they stay there, far from 01:0089;01[A ]| me, but not so far as before. End of the recall. But you would think that once well clear 01:0089;01[A ]| of the town, and having turned round to$9$ look at it, what there was to$9$ see of it, 01:0089;01[A ]| you would think that then I should have$1$ realized whether it was really my town or 01:0089;01[A ]| not. But no, I looked at it in vain, and perhaps unquestioningly, and simply to$9$ 01:0089;01[A ]| give the gods a chance, by turning round. Perhaps I only made a show of looking 01:0089;01[A ]| at it. I did not feel I missed my bicycle, no, not really, I did not mind going on my 01:0089;01[A ]| way the way I said, swinging low in the dark over the earth, along the little empty 01:0089;01[A ]| country roads. And I said there was little likelihood of my being molested and 01:0089;01[A ]| that it was more likely I should molest them, if they saw me. 01:0090;01[A ]| Morning is the time to$9$ hide. They wake up, hale and hearty, their tongues 01:0090;01[A ]| hanging out for order, beauty and justice, baying for their due. Yes, from eight or 01:0090;01[A ]| nine till noon is the dangerous time. But towards noon things quiet down, the 01:0090;01[A ]| most implacable are sated, they go home, it might have$1$ been better but they have 01:0090;01[A ]| done a good job, there have been a few survivors but they will give no more 01:0090;01[A ]| trouble, each man counts his rats. It may begin again in the early afternoon, after 01:0090;01[A ]| the banquet, the celebrations, the congratulations, the orations, but it is nothing 01:0090;01[A ]| compared to$4$ the morning, mere fun. Coming up to$4$ four or five of course there is 01:0090;01[A ]| the night-shift, the watchmen, beginning to$9$ bestir themselves. But already the 01:0090;01[A ]| day is over, the shadows lengthen, the walls multiply, you hug the walls, bowed 01:0090;01[A ]| down like a good boy, oozing with obsequiousness, having nothing to$9$ hide, 01:0090;01[A ]| hiding from mere terror, looking neither right nor left, hiding but not 01:0090;01[A ]| provocatively, ready to$9$ come out, to$9$ smile, to$9$ listen, to$9$ crawl, nauseating but not 01:0090;01[A ]| pestilent, less rat than toad. Then the true night, perilous too but sweet to$4$ him 01:0090;01[A ]| who knows it, who can open to$4$ it like the flower to$4$ the sun, who himself is night, 01:0090;01[A ]| day and night. No there is not much to$9$ be$1$ said for the night either, but compared 01:0090;01[A ]| to$4$ the day there is much to$9$ be$1$ said for it, and notably compared to$4$ the morning 01:0090;01[A ]| there is everything to$9$ be$1$ said for it. For the night purge is in the hands of 01:0090;01[A ]| technicians, for the most part. They do nothing else, the bulk of the population 01:0090;01[A ]| have no part in it, preferring their warm beds, all things considered. Day is the 01:0090;01[A ]| time for lynching for sleep is sacred, and especially the morning, between 01:0090;01[A ]| breakfast and lunch. My first care then, after a few miles in the desert dawn, was 01:0090;01[A ]| to$9$ look for a place to$9$ sleep, 01:0091;01[A ]| for sleep too is a kind of protection, strange as it may seem. For sleep, if it 01:0091;01[A ]| excites the lust to$9$ capture, seems to$9$ appease the lust to$9$ kill, there and then and 01:0091;01[A ]| bloodily, any hunter will tell you that. For the monster on the move, or on the 01:0091;01[A ]| watch,lurking in his lair, there is no mercy, whereas he taken unawares, in his 01:0091;01[A ]| sleep, may sometimes get the benefit of milder feelings, which deflect the barrel, 01:0091;01[A ]| sheathe the kris. For the hunter is weak at heart and sentimental, overflowing 01:0091;01[A ]| with repressed treasures of gentleness and compassion. And it is thanks to$4$ this 01:0091;01[A ]| sweet sleep of terror or exhaustion that many a foul beast, and worthy of 01:0091;01[A ]| extermination, can live on till he dies in the peace and quiet of our zoological 01:0091;01[A ]| gardens, broken only by the innocent laughter the knowing laughter, of children 01:0091;01[A ]| and their elders, on Sundays and Bank Holidays. And I for my part have always 01:0091;01[A ]| preferred slavery to$4$ death, I mean being put to$4$ death. For death is a condition I 01:0091;01[A ]| have never been able to$9$ conceive to$4$ my satisfaction and which therefore can not 01:0091;01[A ]| go down in the ledger of weal and woe. Whereas my notions on being put to$4$ 01:0091;01[A ]| death inspired me with confidence, rightly or wrongly and I felt I was entitled to$9$ 01:0091;01[A ]| act on them, in certain emergencies. Oh they were not notions like yours, they 01:0091;01[A ]| were notions like mine, all spasm, sweat and trembling, without a atom of 01:0091;01[A ]| common sense or lucidity. But they were the best I had. Yes, the confusion of my 01:0091;01[A ]| ideas on the subject of death was such that I sometimes wondered, believe me or 01:0091;01[A ]| not, if it was not a state of being even worse than life. So I found it natural not to$9$ 01:0091;01[A ]| rush into it and, when I forgot myself to$4$ the point of trying, to$9$ stop in time. It is 01:0091;01[A ]| my only excuse. So I crawled into some hole somewhere I suppose and waited, 01:0091;01[A ]| half 01:0092;01[A ]| sleeping, half sighing, groaning and laughing, or feeling my body, to$9$ see if 01:0092;01[A ]| anything had changed, for the morning frenzy to$9$ abate. Then I resumed my 01:0092;01[A ]| spirals. And as to$4$ saying what became of me, and where I went, in the months 01:0092;01[A ]| and perhaps the years that followed, no. For I weary of these inventions and 01:0092;01[A ]| others beckon to$4$ me. 01:0092;00@@@@@| 01:0092;01[A ]| But in order to$9$ blacken a few more pages may I say$1$ I spent 01:0092;01[A ]| some time at the seaside, without incident. There are people the sea does not suit, 01:0092;01[A ]| who prefer the mountains or the plain. Personally I feel no worse there than any 01:0092;01[A ]| where else. Much of my life has ebbed away before this shivering expanse, to$4$ the 01:0092;01[A ]| sound of the waves in storm and calm, and the claws of the surf. Before, no, more 01:0092;01[A ]| than before, one with, spread on the sand, or in a cave. In the sand I was in my 01:0092;01[A ]| element, letting it trickle between my fingers, scooping holes that I filled in a 01:0092;01[A ]| moment later or that filled themselves in, flinging it in the air by handfuls, 01:0092;01[A ]| rolling in it. And in the cave, lit by the beacons at night, I knew what to$9$ do$1$ in 01:0092;01[A ]| order to$9$ be$1$ no worse off than elsewhere. And that my land went no further, in 01:0092;01[A ]| one direction at least, did not displease me. And to$9$ feel there was one direction at 01:0092;01[A ]| least in which I could go no further, without first getting wet, then drowned, was 01:0092;01[A ]| a blessing. For I have always said, First learn to$9$ walk, then you can take 01:0092;01[A ]| swimming lessons. But do not imagine my region ended at the coast, that would 01:0092;01[A ]| be$1$ a grave mistake. For it was this sea too, its reefs and distant islands, and its 01:0092;01[A ]| hidden depths. And I too once went forth on it, in a sort of oarless skiff, but I 01:0092;01[A ]| paddled with a old bit of driftwood. And I sometimes wonder if I ever came 01:0092;01[A ]| back, from that voyage. For if I see myself putting to$4$ sea, and the long hours 01:0092;01[A ]| without landfall, I do 01:0093;01[A ]| not see the return, the tossing on the breakers, and I do not hear the frail keel 01:0093;01[A ]| grating on the shore. I took advantage of being at the seaside to$9$ lay in a store of 01:0093;01[A ]| sucking stones. They were pebbles but I call them stones. Yes, on this occasion I 01:0093;01[A ]| laid in a considerable store. I distributed them equally between my four pockets, 01:0093;01[A ]| and sucked them turn and turn about. This raised a problem which I first solved 01:0093;01[A ]| in the following way. I had say sixteen stones, four in each of my four pockets 01:0093;01[A ]| these being the two pockets of my trousers and the two pockets of my greatcoat. 01:0093;01[A ]| Taking a stone from the right pocket of my greatcoat, and putting it in my mouth, 01:0093;01[A ]| I replaced it in the right pocket of my greatcoat by a stone from the right pocket of 01:0093;01[A ]| my trousers, which I replaced by a stone from the left pocket of my trousers, 01:0093;01[A ]| which I replaced by a stone from the left pocket of my greatcoat, which I replaced 01:0093;01[A ]| by the stone which was in my mouth, as soon as I had finished sucking it. Thus 01:0093;01[A ]| there were still four stones in each of my four pockets, but not quite the same 01:0093;01[A ]| stones. And when the desire to$9$ suck took hold of me again, I drew again on the 01:0093;01[A ]| right pocket of my greatcoat, certain of not taking the same stone as the last time. 01:0093;01[A ]| And while I sucked it I rearranged the other stones in the way I have just 01:0093;01[A ]| described. And so on. But this solution did not satisfy me fully. For it did not 01:0093;01[A ]| escape me that, by a extraordinary hazard, the four stones circulating thus might 01:0093;01[A ]| always be$1$ the same four. In which case, far from sucking the sixteen stones turn 01:0093;01[A ]| and turn about, I was really only sucking four, always the same, turn and turn 01:0093;01[A ]| about. But I shuffled them well in my pockets, before I began to$9$ suck, and again, 01:0093;01[A ]| while I sucked, before transferring them, in the hope of obtaining a more general 01:0094;01[A ]| circulation of the stones from pocket to$4$ pocket. But this was only a makeshift 01:0094;01[A ]| that could not long content a man like me. So I began to$9$ look for something else. 01:0094;01[A ]| And the first thing I hit upon was that I might do$1$ better to$9$ transfer the stones four 01:0094;01[A ]| by four, instead of one by one, that is to$9$ say$1$, during the sucking, to$9$ take the three 01:0094;01[A ]| stones remaining in the right pocket of my greatcoat and replace them by the four 01:0094;01[A ]| in the right pocket of my trousers, and these by the four in the left pocket of my 01:0094;01[A ]| trousers, and these by the four in the left pocket of my greatcoat, and finally these 01:0094;01[A ]| by the three from the right pocket of my greatcoat, plus the one, as soon as I had 01:0094;01[A ]| finished sucking it, which was in my mouth. Yes, it seemed to$4$ me at first that by 01:0094;01[A ]| so doing I would arrive at a better result. But on further reflection I had to$9$ change 01:0094;01[A ]| my mind and confess that the circulation of the stones four by four came to$4$ 01:0094;01[A ]| exactly the same thing as their circulation one by one. For if I was certain of 01:0094;01[A ]| finding each time, in the right pocket of my greatcoat, four stones totally different 01:0094;01[A ]| from their immediate predecessors, the possibility nevertheless remained of my 01:0094;01[A ]| always chancing on the same stone, within each group of four, and consequently 01:0094;01[A ]| of my sucking, not the sixteen turn and turn about as I wished, but in fact four 01:0094;01[A ]| only, always the same, turn and turn about. So I had to$9$ seek elsewhere than in 01:0094;01[A ]| the mode of circulation. For no matter how I caused the stones to$9$ circulate, I 01:0094;01[A ]| always ran the same risk. It was obvious that by increasing the number of my 01:0094;01[A ]| pockets I was bound to$9$ increase my chances of enjoying my stones in the way I 01:0094;01[A ]| planned, that is to$9$ say$1$ one after the other until their number was exhausted. Had 01:0094;01[A ]| I had eight pockets, for example, instead of the four I did have, then even the 01:0095;01[A ]| most diabolical hazard could not have$1$ prevented me from sucking at least eight 01:0095;01[A ]| of my sixteen stones, turn and turn about. The truth is I should have$1$ needed 01:0095;01[A ]| sixteen pockets in order to$9$ be$1$ quite easy in my mind. And for a long time I could 01:0095;01[A ]| see no other conclusion than this, that short of having sixteen pockets, each with 01:0095;01[A ]| its stone, I could never reach the goal I had set myself, short of a extraordinary 01:0095;01[A ]| hazard. And if at a pinch I could double the number of my pockets, were it only 01:0095;01[A ]| by dividing each pocket in two, with the help of a few safety-pins let us say$1$, to$9$ 01:0095;01[A ]| quadruple them seemed to$9$ be$1$ more than I could manage. And I did not feel 01:0095;01[A ]| inclined to$9$ take all that trouble for a half-measure. For I was beginning to$9$ lose all 01:0095;01[A ]| sense of measure, after all this wrestling and wrangling, and to$9$ say$1$, All or 01:0095;01[A ]| nothing. And if I was tempted for a instant to$9$ establish a more equitable 01:0095;01[A ]| proportion between my stones and my pockets, by reducing the former to$4$ the 01:0095;01[A ]| number of the latter, it was only for a instant. For it would have$1$ been a 01:0095;01[A ]| admission of defeat. And sitting on the shore, before the sea, the sixteen stones 01:0095;01[A ]| spread out before my eyes, I gazed at them in anger and perplexity. For just as I 01:0095;01[A ]| had difficulty in sitting on a chair, or in a arm-chair, because of my stiff leg you 01:0095;01[A ]| understand, so I had none in sitting on the ground, because of my stiff leg and my 01:0095;01[A ]| stiffening leg, for it was about this time that my good leg, good in the sense that it 01:0095;01[A ]| was not stiff, began to$9$ stiffen. I needed a prop under the ham you understand, and 01:0095;01[A ]| even under the whole length of the leg, the prop of the earth. And while I gazed 01:0095;01[A ]| thus at my stones, revolving interminable martingales all equally defective, and 01:0095;01[A ]| crushing handfuls of sand, so that the sand ran through my fingers and fell back 01:0095;01[A ]| on the strand, yes, while thus I lulled 01:0096;01[A ]| my mind and part of my body, one day suddenly it dawned on the former, 01:0096;01[A ]| dimly, that I might perhaps achieve my purpose without increasing the number 01:0096;01[A ]| of my pockets, or reducing the number of my stones, but simply by sacrificing the 01:0096;01[A ]| principle of trim. The meaning of this illumination, which suddenly began to$9$ 01:0096;01[A ]| sing within me, like a verse of Isaiah, or of Jeremiah, I did not penetrate at once, 01:0096;01[A ]| and notably the word trim, which I had never met with, in this sense, long 01:0096;01[A ]| remained obscure. Finally I seemed to$9$ grasp that this word trim could not here 01:0096;01[A ]| mean anything else, anything better, than the distribution of the sixteen stones in 01:0096;01[A ]| four groups of four, one group in each pocket, and that it was my refusal to$9$ 01:0096;01[A ]| consider any distribution other than this that had vitiated my calculations until 01:0096;01[A ]| then and rendered the problem literally insoluble. And it was on the basis of this 01:0096;01[A ]| interpretation, whether right or wrong, that I finally reached a solution, inelegant 01:0096;01[A ]| assuredly, but sound, sound. Now I am willing to$9$ believe, indeed I firmly believe, 01:0096;01[A ]| that other solutions to$4$ this problem might have$1$ been found, and indeed may still 01:0096;01[A ]| be$1$ found, no less sound, but much more elegant, than the one I shall now 01:0096;01[A ]| describe, if I can. And I believe too that had I been a little more insistent, a little 01:0096;01[A ]| more resistant, I could have$1$ found them myself. But I was tired, but I was tired, 01:0096;01[A ]| and I contented myself ingloriously with the first solution that was a solution, to$4$ 01:0096;01[A ]| this problem. But not to$9$ go over the heartbreaking stages through which I passed 01:0096;01[A ]| before I came to$4$ it, here it is, in all its hideousness. All (all !) that was necessary 01:0096;01[A ]| was to$9$ put for example, to$9$ begin with, six stones in the right pocket of my 01:0096;01[A ]| greatcoat, or supply-pocket, five in the right pocket of my trousers, and five in the 01:0096;01[A ]| left pocket 01:0097;01[A ]| of my trousers, that makes the lot, twice five ten plus six sixteen, and none, for 01:0097;01[A ]| none remained, in the left pocket of my greatcoat, which for the time being 01:0097;01[A ]| remained empty, empty of stones that is, for its usual contents remained, as well 01:0097;01[A ]| as occasional objects. For where do you think I hid my vegetable knife, my silver, 01:0097;01[A ]| my horn and the other things that I have not yet named, perhaps shall never 01:0097;01[A ]| name. 01:0097;00@@@@@| 01:0097;01[A ]| Good. Now I can begin to$9$ suck. Watch me closely. I take a stone from the 01:0097;01[A ]| right pocket of my greatcoat, suck it, stop sucking it, put it in the left pocket of my 01:0097;01[A ]| greatcoat, the one empty (of stones). I take a second stone from the right pocket of 01:0097;01[A ]| my greatcoat, suck it, put it in the left pocket of my greatcoat. And so on until the 01:0097;01[A ]| right pocket of my greatcoat is empty (apart from its usual and casual contents) 01:0097;01[A ]| and the six stones I have just sucked, one after the other, are all in the left pocket 01:0097;01[A ]| of my greatcoat. Pausing then, and concentrating, so as not to$9$ make a balls of it, I 01:0097;01[A ]| transfer to$4$ the right pocket of my greatcoat, in which there are no stones left, the 01:0097;01[A ]| five stones in the right pocket of my trousers, which I replace by the five stones in 01:0097;01[A ]| the left pocket of my trousers, which I replace by the six stones in the left pocket of 01:0097;01[A ]| my greatcoat. At this stage then the left pocket of my greatcoat is again empty of 01:0097;01[A ]| stones, while the right pocket of my greatcoat is again supplied, and in the right 01:0097;01[A ]| way, that is to$9$ say$1$ with other stones than those I have just sucked. These other 01:0097;01[A ]| stones I then begin to$9$ suck, one after the other, and to$9$ transfer as I go along to$4$ the 01:0097;01[A ]| left pocket of my greatcoat, being absolutely certain, as far as one can be$1$ in a 01:0097;01[A ]| affair of this kind, that I am not sucking the same stones as a moment before, but 01:0097;01[A ]| others. And when the right pocket of my greatcoat is again empty 01:0098;01[A ]| (of stones), and the five I have just sucked are all without exception in the left 01:0098;01[A ]| pocket of my greatcoat, then I proceed to$4$ the same redistribution as a moment 01:0098;01[A ]| before, or a similar redestribution, that is to$9$ say$1$ I transfer to$4$ the right pocket of my 01:0098;01[A ]| greatcoat, now again available, the five stones in the right pocket of my trousers, 01:0098;01[A ]| which I replace by the six stones in the left pocket of my trousers, which I replace 01:0098;01[A ]| by the five stones in the left pocket of my greatcoat. And there I am ready to$9$ begin 01:0098;01[A ]| again. Do I have to$9$ go on? No, for it is clear that after the next series, of sucks and 01:0098;01[A ]| transfers, I shall be$1$ back where I started, that is to$9$ say$1$ with the first six stones back 01:0098;01[A ]| in the supply pocket, the next five in the right pocket of my stinking old trousers 01:0098;01[A ]| and finally the last five in left pocket of same, and my sixteen stones will have$1$ 01:0098;01[A ]| been sucked once at least in impeccable succession, not one sucked twice, not one 01:0098;01[A ]| left unsucked. It is true that the next time I could scarcely hope to$9$ suck my stones 01:0098;01[A ]| in the same order as the first time and that the first, seventh and twelfth for 01:0098;01[A ]| example of the first cycle might very well be$1$ the sixth, eleventh and sixteenth 01:0098;01[A ]| respectively of the second, if the worst came to$4$ the worst. But that was a drawback 01:0098;01[A ]| I could not avoid. And if in the cycles taken together utter confusion was bound 01:0098;01[A ]| to$9$ reign, at least within each cycle taken separately I could be$1$ easy in my mind, at 01:0098;01[A ]| least as easy as one can be, in a proceeding of this kind. For in order for each cycle 01:0098;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ identical, as to$4$ the succession of stones in my mouth, and God knows I had 01:0098;01[A ]| set my heart on it, the only means were numbered stones or sixteen pockets. And 01:0098;01[A ]| rather than make twelve more pockets or number my stones, I preferred to$9$ make 01:0098;01[A ]| the best of the comparative peace of mind 01:0099;01[A ]| I enjoyed within each cycle taken separately. For it was not enough to$9$ number 01:0099;01[A ]| the stones, but I would have$1$ had to$9$ remember, every time I put a stone in my 01:0099;01[A ]| mouth, the number I needed and look for it in my pocket. Which would have$1$ 01:0099;01[A ]| put me off stone for ever, in a very short time. For I would never have$1$ been sure 01:0099;01[A ]| of not making a mistake, unless of course I had kept a kind of register, in which 01:0099;01[A ]| to$9$ tick off the stones one by one, as I sucked them. And of this I believed myself 01:0099;01[A ]| incapable. No, the only perfect solution would have$1$ been the sixteen pockets, 01:0099;01[A ]| symmetrically disposed, each one with its stone. Then I would have$1$ needed 01:0099;01[A ]| neither to$9$ number nor to$9$ think, but merely, as I sucked a given stone, to$9$ move on 01:0099;01[A ]| the fifteen others, each to$4$ the next pocket, a delicate business admittedly, but 01:0099;01[A ]| within my power, and to$9$ call always on the same pocket when I felt like a suck. 01:0099;01[A ]| This would have$1$ freed me from all anxiety, not only within each cycle taken 01:0099;01[A ]| separately, but also for the sum of all cycles, though they went on forever. But 01:0099;01[A ]| however imperfect my own solution was, I was pleased at having found it all 01:0099;01[A ]| alone, yes, quite pleased. And if it was perhaps less sound than I had thought in 01:0099;01[A ]| the first flush of discovery, its inelegance never diminished. And it was above all 01:0099;01[A ]| inelegant in this, to$4$ my mind, that the uneven distribution was painful to$4$ me, 01:0099;01[A ]| bodily. It is true that a kind of equilibrium was reached, at a given moment, in 01:0099;01[A ]| the early stages of each cycle, namely after the third suck and before the fourth, 01:0099;01[A ]| but it did not last long, and the rest of the time I felt the weight of the stones 01:0099;01[A ]| dragging me now to$4$ one side, now to$4$ the other. So it was something more than a 01:0099;01[A ]| principle I abandoned, when I abandoned the equal distribution, it was a bodily 01:0099;01[A ]| need. But to$9$ 01:0100;01[A ]| suck the stones in the way I have described, not haphazard, but with method, 01:0100;01[A ]| was also I think a bodily need. Here then were two incompatible bodily needs, at 01:0100;01[A ]| loggerheads. Such things happen. But deep down I did not give a tinker's curse 01:0100;01[A ]| about being off my balance, dragged to$4$ the right hand and the left, backwards and 01:0100;01[A ]| forwards. And deep down it was all the same to$4$ me whether I sucked a different 01:0100;01[A ]| stone each time or always the same stone, until the end of time. For they all 01:0100;01[A ]| tasted exactly the same. And if I had collected sixteen, it was not in order to$9$ ballast 01:0100;01[A ]| myself in such and such a way, or to$9$ suck them turn about, but simply to$9$ have$1$ a 01:0100;01[A ]| little store, so as never to$9$ be$1$ without. But deep down I did not give a fiddler's curse 01:0100;01[A ]| about being without, when they were all gone they would be$1$ all gone, I would not 01:0100;01[A ]| be$1$ any the worse off, or hardly any. And the solution to$4$ which I rallied in the end 01:0100;01[A ]| was to$9$ throw away all the stones but one, which I kept now in one pocket, now in 01:0100;01[A ]| another, and which of course I soon lost, or threw away, or gave away, or 01:0100;01[A ]| swallowed. It was a wild part of the coast. I do not remember having been seriously 01:0100;01[A ]| molested. The black speck I was, in the great pale stretch of sand, who could wish 01:0100;01[A ]| it harm? Some came near, to$9$ see what it was, whether it was not something of 01:0100;01[A ]| value from a wreck, washed up by the storm. But when they saw the jetsam was 01:0100;01[A ]| alive, decently if wretchedly clothed, they turned away. Old women and young 01:0100;01[A ]| ones, yes, too, come to$9$ gather wood, came and stared, in the early days. But they 01:0100;01[A ]| were always the same and it was in vain I moved from one place to$4$ another, in 01:0100;01[A ]| the end they all knew what I was and kept their distance. I think one of them one 01:0100;01[A ]| day, detaching herself from her$2$ companions, came and 01:0101;01[A ]| offered me something to$9$ eat and that I looked at her$6$ in silence, until she went 01:0101;01[A ]| away. Yes, it seems to$4$ me some such incident occurred about this time. But 01:0101;01[A ]| perhaps I am thinking of another stay, at a earlier time, for this will be$1$ my last, 01:0101;01[A ]| my last but one, or two, there is never a last, by the sea. However that may be$1$ I see 01:0101;01[A ]| a young woman coming towards me and stopping from time to$4$ time to$9$ look back 01:0101;01[A ]| at her$2$ companions. Huddled together like sheep they watch her$6$ recede, urging 01:0101;01[A ]| her$6$ on, and laughing no doubt, I seem to$9$ hear laughter, far away. Then it is her$2$ 01:0101;01[A ]| back I see, as she goes away, now it is towards me she looks back, but without 01:0101;01[A ]| stopping. But perhaps I am merging two times in one, and two women, one 01:0101;01[A ]| coming towards me, shyly, urged on by the cries and laughter of her$2$ companions, 01:0101;01[A ]| and the other going away from me, unhesitatingly. For those who came towards 01:0101;01[A ]| me I saw coming from afar, most of the time, that is one of the advantages of the 01:0101;01[A ]| seaside. Black specks in the distance I saw them coming, I could follow all their 01:0101;01[A ]| manoeuvres, saying, It is getting smaller, or, it is getting bigger. Yes, to$9$ be$1$ taken 01:0101;01[A ]| unawares was so to$9$ speak impossible, for I turned often towards the land too. Let 01:0101;01[A ]| me tell you something, my sight was better at the seaside ! Yes, ranging far and 01:0101;01[A ]| wide over these vast flats, where nothing lay, nothing stood, my good eye saw 01:0101;01[A ]| more clearly and there were even days when the bad one too had to$9$ look away. 01:0101;01[A ]| And not only did I see more clearly, but I had less difficulty in saddling with a 01:0101;01[A ]| name the rare things I saw. These are some of the advantages and disadvantages 01:0101;01[A ]| of the seaside. Or perhaps it was I who was changing, why not ? And in the 01:0101;01[A ]| morning, in my cave, and even sometimes at night, 01:0102;01[A ]| when the storm raged, I felt reasonably secure from the elements and mankind. 01:0102;01[A ]| But there too there is a price to$9$ pay. In your box, in your caves, there too there is a 01:0102;01[A ]| price to$9$ pay. And which you pay willingly, for a time, but which you can not go on 01:0102;01[A ]| paying forever. For you can not go on buying the same thing forever, with your 01:0102;01[A ]| little pittance. And unfortunately there are other needs than that of rotting in 01:0102;01[A ]| peace, it is not the word, I mean of course my mother whose image, blunted for 01:0102;01[A ]| some time past, was beginning now to$9$ harrow me again. 01:0102;00@@@@@| 01:0102;01[A ]| So I went back inland, 01:0102;01[A ]| for my town was not strictly speaking on the sea, whatever may have$1$ been said to$4$ 01:0102;01[A ]| the contrary. And to$9$ get to$4$ it you had to$9$ go inland, I at least knew of no other way. 01:0102;01[A ]| For between my town and the sea there was a kind of swamp which, as far back as 01:0102;01[A ]| I can remember, and some of my memories have their roots deep in the 01:0102;01[A ]| immediate past, there was always talk of draining, by means of canals I suppose, 01:0102;01[A ]| or of transforming into a vast port and docks, or into a city on piles for the 01:0102;01[A ]| workers, in a word of redeeming somehow or other. And with the same stone 01:0102;01[A ]| they would have$1$ killed the scandal, at the gates of their metropolis, of a stinking 01:0102;01[A ]| steaming swamp in which a incalculable number of human lives were yearly 01:0102;01[A ]| engulfed, the statistics escape me for the moment and doubtless always will, so 01:0102;01[A ]| complete is my indifference to$4$ this aspect of the question. It is true they actually 01:0102;01[A ]| began to$9$ work and that work is still going on in certain areas in the teeth of 01:0102;01[A ]| adversity, setbacks, epidemics and the apathy of the Public Works Department, far 01:0102;01[A ]| from me to$9$ deny it. But from this to$4$ proclaiming that the sea came lapping at the 01:0102;01[A ]| ramparts of my town, there was a far cry. And I for my part 01:0103;01[A ]| will never lend myself to$4$ such a perversion (of the truth), until such time as I 01:0103;01[A ]| am compelled or find it convenient to$9$ do$1$ so. And I knew this swamp a little, 01:0103;01[A ]| having risked my life in it, cautiously, on several occasions, at a period of my life 01:0103;01[A ]| richer in illusions than the one I am trying to$9$ patch together here, I mean richer 01:0103;01[A ]| in certain illusions, in others poorer. So there was no way of coming at my town 01:0103;01[A ]| directly, by sea, but you had to$9$ disembark well to$4$ the north or the south and take 01:0103;01[A ]| to$4$ the roads, just imagine that, for they had never heard of Watt, just imagine 01:0103;01[A ]| that too. And now my progress, slow and painful at all times, was more so than 01:0103;01[A ]| ever, because of my short stiff leg, the same which I thought had long been as stiff 01:0103;01[A ]| as a leg could be, but damn the bit of it, for it was growing stiffer than ever, a 01:0103;01[A ]| thing I would not have$1$ thought possible, and at the same time shorter every day, 01:0103;01[A ]| but above all because of the other leg, supple hitherto and now growing rapidly 01:0103;01[A ]| stiff in its turn but not yet shortening, unhappily. For when the two legs shorten 01:0103;01[A ]| at the same time, and at the same speed, then all is not lost, no. But when one 01:0103;01[A ]| shortens, and the other not, then you begin to$9$ be$1$ worried. Oh not that I was 01:0103;01[A ]| exactly worried, but it was a nuisance, yes, a nuisance. For I did not know which 01:0103;01[A ]| foot to$9$ land on, when I came down. Let us try and get this dilemma clear. Follow 01:0103;01[A ]| me carefully. The stiff leg hurt me, admittedly, I mean the old stiff leg, and it was 01:0103;01[A ]| the other which I normally used as a pivot, or prop. But now this latter, as a 01:0103;01[A ]| result of its stiffening I suppose, and the ensuing commotion among nerves and 01:0103;01[A ]| sinews, was beginning to$9$ hurt me even more than the other. What a story, God 01:0103;01[A ]| send I do not make a balls of it. For the old pain, do you follow me, I had got used 01:0103;01[A ]| to$4$ it, in a way, 01:0104;01[A ]| yes, in a kind of way. Whereas to$4$ the new pain, though of the same family 01:0104;01[A ]| exactly, I had not yet had time to$9$ adjust myself. Nor should it be$1$ forgotten that 01:0104;01[A ]| having one bad leg plus another more or less good, I was able to$9$ nurse the 01:0104;01[A ]| former, and reduce its sufferings to$4$ the minimum, to$4$ the maximum, by using the 01:0104;01[A ]| former exclusively, with the help of my crutches. But I no longer had this 01:0104;01[A ]| resource ! For I no longer had one bad leg plus another more or less good, but 01:0104;01[A ]| now both were equally bad. And the worse, to$4$ my mind, was that which till now 01:0104;01[A ]| had been good, at least comparatively good, and whose change for the worse I had 01:0104;01[A ]| not yet got used to$4$. So in a way, if you like, I still had one bad leg and one good, or 01:0104;01[A ]| rather less bad, with this difference however, that the less bad now was the less 01:0104;01[A ]| good of heretofore. It was therefore on the old bad leg that I often longed to$9$ lean, 01:0104;01[A ]| between one crutchstroke and the next. For while still extremely sensitive, it was 01:0104;01[A ]| less so than the other, or it was equally so, if you like, but it did not seem so, to$4$ 01:0104;01[A ]| me, because of its seniority. But I could not ! What ? Lean on it. For it was 01:0104;01[A ]| shortening, do not forget, whereas the other, though stiffening, was not yet 01:0104;01[A ]| shortening, or so far behind its fellow that to$4$ all intents and purposes, intents and 01:0104;01[A ]| purposes, I am lost, no matter. If I could even have$1$ bent it, at the knee, or even at 01:0104;01[A ]| the hip, I could have$1$ made it seem as short as the other, long enough to$9$ land on 01:0104;01[A ]| the true short one, before taking off again. But I could not. What? Bend it. For how 01:0104;01[A ]| could I bend it, when it was stiff? I was therefore compelled to$9$ work the same old 01:0104;01[A ]| leg as heretofore, in spite of its having become, at least as far as the pain was 01:0104;01[A ]| concerned, the worse of the two and the more in need of 01:0105;01[A ]| nursing. Sometimes to$9$ be$1$ sure, when I was lucky enough to$9$ chance on a road 01:0105;01[A ]| conveniently cambered, or by taking advantage of a not too deep ditch or any 01:0105;01[A ]| other breach of surface, I managed to$9$ lengthen my short leg, for a short time. But 01:0105;01[A ]| it had done no work for so long that it did not know how to$9$ go about it. And I 01:0105;01[A ]| think a pile of dishes would have$1$ better supported me than it, which had so well 01:0105;01[A ]| supported me, when I was a tiny tot. And another factor of disequilibrium was 01:0105;01[A ]| here involved, I mean when I thus made the best of the lie of the land, I mean 01:0105;01[A ]| my crutches, which would have$1$ needed to$9$ be$1$ unequal, one short and one long, if 01:0105;01[A ]| I was to$9$ remain vertical. No? I do not know. In any case the ways I went were for 01:0105;01[A ]| the most part little forest paths, that is understandable, where differences of level, 01:0105;01[A ]| though abounding, were too confused and too erratic to$9$ be$1$ of any help to$4$ me. But 01:0105;01[A ]| did it make such a difference after all, as far as the pain was concerned, whether 01:0105;01[A ]| my leg was free to$9$ rest or whether it had to$9$ work? I think not. For the suffering of 01:0105;01[A ]| the leg at rest was constant and monotonous. Whereas the leg condemned to$4$ the 01:0105;01[A ]| increase of pain inflicted by work knew the decrease of pain dispensed by work 01:0105;01[A ]| suspended, the space of a instant. But I am human, I fancy, and my progress 01:0105;01[A ]| suffered, from this state of affairs, and from the slow and painful progress it had 01:0105;01[A ]| always been, whatever may have$1$ been said to$4$ the contrary, was changed, saving 01:0105;01[A ]| your presence, to$4$ a veritable calvary, with no limit to$4$ its stations and no hope of 01:0105;01[A ]| crucifixion, though I say it myself, and no Simon, and reduced me to$4$ frequent 01:0105;01[A ]| halts. Yes, my progress reduced me to$4$ stopping more and more often, it was the 01:0105;01[A ]| only way to$9$ progress, to$9$ stop. And though it is no 01:0106;01[A ]| part of my tottering intentions to$9$ treat here in full, as they deserve, these brief 01:0106;01[A ]| moments of the immemorial expiation, I shall nevertheless deal with them 01:0106;01[A ]| briefly, out of the goodness of my heart, so that my story, so clear till now, may 01:0106;01[A ]| not end in darkness, the darkness of these towering forests, these giant fronds, 01:0106;01[A ]| where I hobble, listen, fall, rise, listen and hobble on, wondering sometimes, need 01:0106;01[A ]| I say$1$, if I shall ever see again the hated light, at least unloved, stretched palely 01:0106;01[A ]| between the last boles, and my mother, to$9$ settle with her$6$, and if I would not do$1$ 01:0106;01[A ]| better, at least just as well, to$9$ hang myself from a bough, with a liane. For frankly 01:0106;01[A ]| light meant nothing to$4$ me now, and my mother could scarcely be$1$ waiting for me 01:0106;01[A ]| still, after so long. And my leg, my legs. But the thought of suicide had little hold 01:0106;01[A ]| on me, I do not know why, I thought I did, but I see I do not. The idea of 01:0106;01[A ]| strangulation in particular, however tempting, I always overcame, after a short 01:0106;01[A ]| struggle. And between you and me there was never anything wrong with my 01:0106;01[A ]| respiratory tracts, apart of course from the agonies intrinsic to$4$ that system. Yes, I 01:0106;01[A ]| could count the days when I could neither breathe in the blessed air with its life-giving 01:0106;01[A ]| oxygen nor, when I had breathed it in, breathe out the bloody stuff, I could 01:0106;01[A ]| have$1$ counted them. Ah yes, my asthma, how often I was tempted to$9$ put a end 01:0106;01[A ]| to$4$ it, by cutting my throat. But I never succumbed. The noise betrayed me, I 01:0106;01[A ]| turned purple. It came on mostly at night, fortunately, or unfortunately, I could 01:0106;01[A ]| never make up my mind. For if sudden changes of colour matter less at night, the 01:0106;01[A ]| least unusual noise is then more noticeable, because of the silence of the night. 01:0106;01[A ]| But these were mere crises, and what are crises compared to$4$ 01:0107;01[A ]| all that never stops, knows neither ebb nor flow, its surface leaden above 01:0107;01[A ]| infernal depths. Not a word, not a word against the crises that seized me, wrung 01:0107;01[A ]| me, and finally threw me away, mercifully, safe from help. And I wrapped my 01:0107;01[A ]| head in my coat, to$9$ stifle the obscene noise of choking, or I disguised it as a fit of 01:0107;01[A ]| coughing, universally accepted and approved and whose only disadvantage is 01:0107;01[A ]| this, that it is liable to$9$ let you in for pity. 01:0107;00@@@@@| 01:0107;01[A ]| And this is perhaps the moment to$9$ 01:0107;01[A ]| observe, better late than never, that when I speak of my progress being slowed 01:0107;01[A ]| down, consequent on the defection of my good leg, I express only a infinitesimal 01:0107;01[A ]| part of the truth. For the truth is I had other weak points, here and there, and 01:0107;01[A ]| they too were growing weaker and weaker, as was only to$9$ be$1$ expected. But what 01:0107;01[A ]| was not to$9$ be$1$ expected was the speed at which their weakness had increased, since 01:0107;01[A ]| my departure from the seaside. For as long as I had remained at the seaside my 01:0107;01[A ]| weak points, while admittedly increasing in weakness, as was only to$9$ be$1$ expected, 01:0107;01[A ]| only increased imperceptibly, in weakness I mean. So that I would have$1$ hesitated 01:0107;01[A ]| to$9$ exclaim, with my finger up my arse-hole for example, Jesus-Christ, it is much 01:0107;01[A ]| worse than yesterday, I can hardly believe it is the same hole. I apologise for 01:0107;01[A ]| having to$9$ revert to$4$ this lewd orifice, it is my muse will have$1$ it so. Perhaps it is less 01:0107;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ thought of as the eyesore here called by its name than as the symbol of those 01:0107;01[A ]| passed over in silence, a distinction due perhaps to$4$ its centrality and its air of 01:0107;01[A ]| being a link between me and the other excrement. We underestimate this little 01:0107;01[A ]| hole, it seems to$4$ me, we call it the arse-hole and affect to$9$ despise it. But is it not 01:0107;01[A ]| rather the true portal of our being and the celebrated mouth no more than the 01:0107;01[A ]| kitchen-door. 01:0108;01[A ]| Nothing goes in, or so little, that is not rejected on the spot, or very nearly. 01:0108;01[A ]| Almost everything revolts it that comes from without and what comes from 01:0108;01[A ]| within does not seem to$9$ receive a very warm welcome either. Are not these 01:0108;01[A ]| significant facts. Time will tell. But I shall do$1$ my utmost none the less to$9$ keep it 01:0108;01[A ]| in the background, in the future. And that will be$1$ easy, for the future is by no 01:0108;01[A ]| means uncertain, the unspeakable future. And when it comes to$4$ neglecting 01:0108;01[A ]| fundamentals, I think I have nothing to$9$ learn, and indeed I confuse them with 01:0108;01[A ]| accidentals. But to$9$ return to$4$ my weak points, let me say$1$ again that at the seaside 01:0108;01[A ]| they had developed normally, yes, I had noticed nothing abnormal. Either 01:0108;01[A ]| because I did not pay enough attention to$4$ them, absorbed as I was in the 01:0108;01[A ]| metamorphosis of my excellent leg, or because there was in fact nothing special to$9$ 01:0108;01[A ]| report, in this connection. But I had hardly left the shore, harried by the dread of 01:0108;01[A ]| waking one fine day, far from my mother, with my two legs as stiff as my 01:0108;01[A ]| crutches, when they suddenly began to$9$ gallop, my weak points did, and their 01:0108;01[A ]| weakness became literally the weakness of death, with all the disadvantages that 01:0108;01[A ]| this entails, when they are not vital points. I fix at this period the dastardly 01:0108;01[A ]| desertion of my toes, so to$9$ speak in the thick of the fray. You may object that this 01:0108;01[A ]| is covered by the business of my legs, that it has no importance, since in any case I 01:0108;01[A ]| could not put to$4$ the ground the foot in question. Quite, quite. But do you as 01:0108;01[A ]| much as know what foot we are talking about? No. Nor I. Wait till I think. But 01:0108;01[A ]| you are right, that was not a weak point properly speaking, I mean my toes, I 01:0108;01[A ]| thought they were in excellent fettle, apart from a few corns, bunions, ingrowing 01:0108;01[A ]| nails and a tendency 01:0109;01[A ]| to$9$ cramp. No, my true weak points were elsewhere. And if I do not draw up 01:0109;01[A ]| here and now the impressive list of them it is because I shall never draw it up. 01:0109;01[A ]| No, I shall never draw it up, yes, perhaps I shall. And then I should be$1$ sorry to$9$ 01:0109;01[A ]| give a wrong idea of my health which, if it was not exactly rude, to$4$ the extent of 01:0109;01[A ]| my bursting with it, was at bottom of a incredible robustness. For otherwise 01:0109;01[A ]| how could I have$1$ reached the enormous age I have reached. Thanks to$4$ moral 01:0109;01[A ]| qualities? Hygienic habits? Fresh air? Starvation? Lack of sleep? Solitude? 01:0109;01[A ]| Persecution? The long silent screams (dangerous to$9$ scream)? The daily longing 01:0109;01[A ]| for the earth to$9$ swallow me up? Come come. Fate is rancorous, but not to$4$ that 01:0109;01[A ]| extent. Look at Mammy. What rid me of her$6$, in the end? I sometimes wonder. 01:0109;01[A ]| Perhaps they buried her$6$ alive, it would not surprise me. Ah the old bitch, a nice 01:0109;01[A ]| dose she gave me, she and her$2$ lousy unconquerable genes. Bristling with boils 01:0109;01[A ]| ever since I was a brat, a fat lot of good that ever did me. The heart beats, and 01:0109;01[A ]| what a beat. That my ureters ~~ no, not a word on that subject. And the capsules. 01:0109;01[A ]| And the bladder. And the urethra. And the glans. Santa Maria. I give you my 01:0109;01[A ]| word, I can not piss, my word of honour, as a gentleman. But my prepuce, sat 01:0109;01[A ]| verbum, oozes urine, day and night, at least I think it is urine, it smells of kidney. 01:0109;01[A ]| What is all this, I thought I had lost the sense of smell. Can one speak of pissing, 01:0109;01[A ]| under these conditions? Rubbish ! My sweat too, and God knows I sweat, has a 01:0109;01[A ]| queer smell. I think it is in my dribble as well, and heaven knows I dribble. How I 01:0109;01[A ]| eliminate, to$9$ be$1$ sure, uremia will never be$1$ the death of me. Me too they would 01:0109;01[A ]| bury alive, in despair, if there was any justice in 01:0110;01[A ]| the world. And this list of my weak points I shall never draw up, for fear of its 01:0110;01[A ]| finishing me, I shall perhaps, one day, when the time comes for the inventory of 01:0110;01[A ]| my goods and chattels. For that day, if it ever dawns, I shall be$1$ less afraid, of being 01:0110;01[A ]| finished, than I am today. For today, if I do not feel precisely at the beginning of 01:0110;01[A ]| my career, I have not the presumption either to$9$ think I am near the end. So I 01:0110;01[A ]| husband my strength, for the spurt. For to$9$ be$1$ unable to$9$ spurt, when the hour 01:0110;01[A ]| strikes, no, you might as well give up. But it is forbidden to$9$ give up and even to$9$ 01:0110;01[A ]| stop a instant. So I wait, jogging along, for the bell to$9$ say$1$, Molloy, one last effort, 01:0110;01[A ]| it is the end. That is how I reason, with the help of images little suited to$4$ my 01:0110;01[A ]| situation. And I can not shake off the feeling, I do not know why, that the day will 01:0110;01[A ]| come for me to$9$ say$1$ what is left of all I had. But I must first wait, to$9$ be$1$ sure there is 01:0110;01[A ]| nothing more I can acquire, or lose, or throw away, or give away. Then I can say$1$, 01:0110;01[A ]| without fear of error, what is left, in the end, of my possessions. For it will be$1$ the 01:0110;01[A ]| end. And between now and then I may get poorer, or richer, oh not to$4$ the extent 01:0110;01[A ]| of being any better off, or any worse off, but sufficiently to$9$ preclude me from 01:0110;01[A ]| announcing, here and now, what is left of all I had, for I have not yet had all. But 01:0110;01[A ]| I can make no sense of this presentiment, and that I understand is very often the 01:0110;01[A ]| case with the best presentiments, that you can make no sense of them. So perhaps 01:0110;01[A ]| it is a true presentiment, apt to$9$ be$1$ borne out. But can any more sense be$1$ made of 01:0110;01[A ]| false presentiments? I think so, yes, I think that all that is false may more readily 01:0110;01[A ]| be$1$ reduced, to$4$ notions clear and distinct, distinct from all other notions. But I may 01:0110;01[A ]| be$1$ wrong. But I was not given to$4$ presentiments, 01:0111;01[A ]| but to$4$ sentiments sweet and simple, to$4$ episentiments rather, if I may venture to$9$ 01:0111;01[A ]| say$1$ so. For I knew in advance, which made all presentiment superfluous. I will 01:0111;01[A ]| even go further (what can I lose?), I knew only in advance, for when the time 01:0111;01[A ]| came I knew no longer, you may have$1$ noticed it, or only when I made a 01:0111;01[A ]| superhuman effort, and when the time was past I no longer knew either, I 01:0111;01[A ]| regained my ignorance. And all that taken together, if that is possible, should 01:0111;01[A ]| serve to$9$ explain many things, and notably my astonishing old age, still green in 01:0111;01[A ]| places, assuming the state of my health, in spite of all I have said about it, is 01:0111;01[A ]| insufficient to$9$ account for it. Simple supposition, committing me to$4$ nothing. But 01:0111;01[A ]| I was saying that if my progress, at this stage, was becoming more and more slow 01:0111;01[A ]| and painful, this was not due solely to$4$ my legs, but also to$4$ innumerable so-called 01:0111;01[A ]| weak points, having nothing to$9$ do$1$ with my legs. Unless one is to$9$ suppose, 01:0111;01[A ]| gratuitously, that they and my legs were part of the same syndrome, which in that 01:0111;01[A ]| case would have$1$ been of a diabolical complexity. The fact is, and I deplore it, but it 01:0111;01[A ]| is too late now to$9$ do$1$ anything about it, that I have laid too much stress on my 01:0111;01[A ]| legs, throughout these wanderings, to$4$ the detriment of the rest. For I was no 01:0111;01[A ]| ordinary cripple, far from it, and there were days when my legs were the best part 01:0111;01[A ]| of me, with the exception of the brain capable of forming such a judgement. I was 01:0111;01[A ]| therefore obliged to$9$ stop more and more often, I shall never weary of repeating it, 01:0111;01[A ]| and to$9$ lie down, in defiance of the rules, now prone, now supine, now on one 01:0111;01[A ]| side, now on the other, and as much as possible with the feet higher than the 01:0111;01[A ]| head, to$9$ dislodge the clots. And to$9$ lie with the feet higher than the head, when 01:0111;01[A ]| your legs 01:0112;01[A ]| are stiff, is no easy matter. But do not worry, I did it. When my comfort was at 01:0112;01[A ]| stake there was no trouble I would not go to$4$. The forest was all about me and the 01:0112;01[A ]| boughs, twining together at a prodigious height, compared to$4$ mine, sheltered me 01:0112;01[A ]| from the light and the elements. Some days I advanced no more than thirty or 01:0112;01[A ]| forty paces, I give you my oath. To$9$ say$1$ I stumbled in impenetrable darkness, no, I 01:0112;01[A ]| can not. I stumbled, but the darkness was not impenetrable. For there reigned a 01:0112;01[A ]| kind of blue gloom, more than sufficient for my visual needs. I was astonished 01:0112;01[A ]| this gloom was not green, rather than blue, but I saw it blue and perhaps it was. 01:0112;01[A ]| The red of the sun, mingling with the green of the leaves, gave a blue result, that 01:0112;01[A ]| is how I reasoned. But from time to$4$ time. From time to$4$ time. What tenderness in 01:0112;01[A ]| these little words, what savagery. But from time to$4$ time I came on a kind of 01:0112;01[A ]| crossroads, you know, a star, or circus, of the kind to$9$ be$1$ found in even the most 01:0112;01[A ]| unexplored of forests. 01:0112;00@@@@@| 01:0112;01[A ]| And turning then methodically to$9$ face the radiating paths 01:0112;01[A ]| in turn, hoping for I know not what, I described a complete circle, or less than a 01:0112;01[A ]| circle, or more than a circle, so great was the resemblance between them. Here the 01:0112;01[A ]| gloom was not so thick and I made haste to$9$ leave it. I do not like gloom to$9$ lighten, 01:0112;01[A ]| there is something shady about it. I had a certain number of encounters in this 01:0112;01[A ]| forest, naturally, where does one not, but nothing to$9$ signify. I notably 01:0112;01[A ]| encountered a charcoal-burner. I might have$1$ loved him, I think, if I had been 01:0112;01[A ]| seventy years younger. But it is not certain. For then he too would have$1$ been 01:0112;01[A ]| younger by as much, oh not quite as much, but much younger. I never really had 01:0112;01[A ]| much love to$9$ spare, but all the same I had my little quota, 01:0113;01[A ]| when I was small, and it went to$4$ the old men, when it could. And I even think 01:0113;01[A ]| I had time to$9$ love one or two, oh not with true love, no, nothing like the old 01:0113;01[A ]| woman, I have lost her$2$ name again, Rose, no, anyway you see who I mean, but all 01:0113;01[A ]| the same, how shall I say$1$, tenderly, as those on the brink of a better earth. Ah I 01:0113;01[A ]| was a precocious child, and then I was a precocious man. Now they all give me 01:0113;01[A ]| the shits, the ripe, the unripe and the rotting from the bough. He was all over me, 01:0113;01[A ]| begging me to$9$ share his hut, believe it or not. A total stranger. Sick with solitude 01:0113;01[A ]| probably. I say charcoal-burner, but I really do not know. I see smoke somewhere. 01:0113;01[A ]| That is something that never escapes me, smoke. A long dialogue ensued, 01:0113;01[A ]| interspersed with groans. I could not ask him the way to$4$ my town, the name of 01:0113;01[A ]| which escaped me still. I asked him the way to$4$ the nearest town, I found the 01:0113;01[A ]| neccessary words, and accents. He did not know. He was born in the forest 01:0113;01[A ]| probably and had spent his whole life there. I asked him to$9$ show me the nearest 01:0113;01[A ]| way out of the forest. I grew eloquent. His reply was exceedingly confused. Either I 01:0113;01[A ]| did not understand a word he said, or he did not understand a word I said, or he 01:0113;01[A ]| knew nothing, or he wanted to$9$ keep me near him. It was towards this fourth 01:0113;01[A ]| hypothesis that in all modesty I leaned, for when I made to$9$ go, he held me back by 01:0113;01[A ]| the sleeve. So I smartly freed a crutch and dealt him a good dint on the skull. 01:0113;01[A ]| That calmed him. The dirty old brute. I got up and went on. But I had not gone 01:0113;01[A ]| more than a few paces, and for me at this time a few paces meant something, 01:0113;01[A ]| when I turned and went back to$4$ where he lay, to$9$ examine him. Seeing he had not 01:0113;01[A ]| ceased to$9$ breathe I contented myself with giving him 01:0114;01[A ]| a few warm kicks in the ribs, with my heels. This is how I went about it. I 01:0114;01[A ]| carefully chose the most favourable position, a few paces from the body, with my 01:0114;01[A ]| back of course turned to$4$ it. Then, nicely balanced on my crutches, I began to$9$ 01:0114;01[A ]| swing, backwards, forwards, feet pressed together, or rather legs pressed together, 01:0114;01[A ]| for how could I press my feet together, with my legs in the state they were? But 01:0114;01[A ]| how could I press my legs together, in the state they were? I pressed them 01:0114;01[A ]| together, that is all I can tell you. Take it or leave it. Or I did not press them 01:0114;01[A ]| together. What can that possibly matter? I swung, that is all that matters, in a 01:0114;01[A ]| ever-widening arc, until I decided the moment had come and launched myself 01:0114;01[A ]| forward with all my strength and consequently, a moment later, backward, which 01:0114;01[A ]| gave the desired result. Where did I get this access of vigour? From my weakness 01:0114;01[A ]| perhaps. The shock knocked me down. Naturally. I came a cropper. You can not 01:0114;01[A ]| have$1$ everything, I have often noticed it. I rested a moment, then got up, picked up 01:0114;01[A ]| my crutches, took up my position on the other side of the body and applied 01:0114;01[A ]| myself with method to$4$ the same exercise. I always had a mania for symmetry. But 01:0114;01[A ]| I must have$1$ aimed a little low and one of my heels sank in something soft. 01:0114;01[A ]| However. For if I had missed the ribs, with that heel, I had no doubt landed in the 01:0114;01[A ]| kidney, oh not hard enough to$9$ burst it, no, I fancy not. People imagine, because 01:0114;01[A ]| you are old, poor, crippled, terrified, that you can not stand up for yourself, and 01:0114;01[A ]| generally speaking that is so. But given favourable conditions, a feeble and 01:0114;01[A ]| awkward assailant, in your own class what, and a lonely place, and you have a 01:0114;01[A ]| good chance of showing what stuff you are made of. And it is doubtless in order 01:0115;01[A ]| to$9$ revive interest in this possibility, too often forgotten, that I have delayed 01:0115;01[A ]| over a incident of no interest in itself, like all that has a moral. But did I at least 01:0115;01[A ]| eat, from time to$4$ time? Perforce, perforce, roots, berries, sometimes a little 01:0115;01[A ]| mulberry, a mushroom from time to$4$ time, trembling, knowing nothing about 01:0115;01[A ]| mushrooms. What else, ah yes, carobs, so dear to$4$ goats. In a word whatever I 01:0115;01[A ]| could find, forests abound in good things. And having heard, or more probably 01:0115;01[A ]| read somewhere, in the days when I thought I would be$1$ well advised to$9$ educate 01:0115;01[A ]| myself, or amuse myself, or stupefy myself, or kill time, that when a man in a 01:0115;01[A ]| forest thinks he is going forward in a straight line, in reality he is going in a circle, 01:0115;01[A ]| I did my best to$9$ go in a circle, hoping in this way to$9$ go in a straight line. For I 01:0115;01[A ]| stopped being half-witted and became sly, whenever I took the trouble. And my 01:0115;01[A ]| head was a storehouse of useful knowledge. And if I did not go in a rigorously 01:0115;01[A ]| straight line, with my system of going in a circle, at least I did not go in a circle, 01:0115;01[A ]| and that was something. And by going on doing this, day after day, and night after 01:0115;01[A ]| night, I looked forward to$4$ getting out of the forest, some day. For my region was 01:0115;01[A ]| not all forest, far from it. But there were plains too, mountains and sea, and some 01:0115;01[A ]| towns and villages, connected by highways and byways. And I was all the more 01:0115;01[A ]| convinced that I would get out of the forest some day as I had already got out of it, 01:0115;01[A ]| more than once, and I knew how difficult it was not to$9$ do$1$ again what you have 01:0115;01[A ]| done before. But things had been rather different then. And yet I did not despair 01:0115;01[A ]| of seeing the light tremble, some day, through the still boughs, the strange light of 01:0115;01[A ]| the plain, its pale wild eddies, through the bronze-still boughs, which no 01:0116;01[A ]| breath ever stirred. But it was a day I dreaded too. So that I was sure it would 01:0116;01[A ]| come sooner or later. For it was not so bad being in the forest, I could imagine 01:0116;01[A ]| worse, and I could have$1$ stayed there till I died, unrepining, yes, without pining 01:0116;01[A ]| for the light and the plain and the other amenities of my region. For I knew them 01:0116;01[A ]| well, the amenities of my region, and I considered that the forest was no worse. 01:0116;01[A ]| And it was not only no worse, to$4$ my mind, but it was better, in this sense, that I 01:0116;01[A ]| was there. That is a strange way, is it not, of looking at things. Perhaps less strange 01:0116;01[A ]| than it seems. For being in the forest, a place neither worse nor better than the 01:0116;01[A ]| others, and being free to$9$ stay there, was it not natural I should think highly of it, 01:0116;01[A ]| not because of what it was, but because I was there. For I was there. And being 01:0116;01[A ]| there I did not have$1$ to$9$ go there, and that was not to$9$ be$1$ despised, seeing the state of 01:0116;01[A ]| my legs and my body in general. That is all I wished to$9$ say$1$, and if I did not say$1$ it at 01:0116;01[A ]| the outset it is simply that something was against it. But I could not, stay in the 01:0116;01[A ]| forest I mean, I was not free to$9$. That is to$9$ say$1$ I could have$1$, physically nothing 01:0116;01[A ]| could have$1$ been easier, but I was not purely physical, I lacked something, and I 01:0116;01[A ]| would have$1$ had the feeling, if I had stayed in the forest, of going against a 01:0116;01[A ]| imperative, at least I had that impression. But perhaps I was mistaken, perhaps I 01:0116;01[A ]| would have$1$ been better advised to$9$ stay in the forest, perhaps I could have$1$ stayed 01:0116;01[A ]| there, without remorse, without the painful impression of committing a fault, 01:0116;01[A ]| almost a sin. For I have greatly sinned, at all times, greatly sinned against my 01:0116;01[A ]| prompters. And if I can not decently be$1$ proud of this I see no reason either to$9$ be$1$ 01:0116;01[A ]| sorry. But imperatives are a little different, and I have always 01:0117;01[A ]| been inclined to$9$ submit to$4$ them, I do not know why. For they never led me 01:0117;01[A ]| anywhere, but tore me from places where, if all was not well, all was no worse 01:0117;01[A ]| than anywhere else, and then went silent, leaving me stranded. So I knew my 01:0117;01[A ]| imperatives well, and yet I submitted to$4$ them. It had become a habit. It is true 01:0117;01[A ]| they nearly all bore on the same question, that of my relations with my mother, 01:0117;01[A ]| and on the importance of bringing as soon as possible some light to$9$ bear on these 01:0117;01[A ]| and even on the kind of light that should be$1$ brought to$9$ bear and the most 01:0117;01[A ]| effective means of doing so. Yes, these imperatives were quite explicit and even 01:0117;01[A ]| detailed until, having set me in motion at last, they began to$9$ falter, then went 01:0117;01[A ]| silent, leaving me there like a fool who neither knows where he is going nor why 01:0117;01[A ]| he is going there. And they nearly all bore, as I may have$1$ said already, on the 01:0117;01[A ]| same painful and thorny question. And I do not think I could mention even one 01:0117;01[A ]| having a different purport. And the one enjoining me then to$9$ leave the forest 01:0117;01[A ]| without delay was in no way different from those I was used to$4$, as to$4$ its meaning. 01:0117;01[A ]| For in its framing I thought I noticed something new. For after the usual blarney 01:0117;01[A ]| there followed this solemn warning, Perhaps it is already too late. It was in Latin, 01:0117;01[A ]| nimis sero, I think that is Latin. Charming things, hypothetical imperatives. But if 01:0117;01[A ]| I had never succeeded in liquidating this matter of my mother, the fault must not 01:0117;01[A ]| be$1$ imputed solely to$4$ that voice which deserted me, prematurely. It was partly to$9$ 01:0117;01[A ]| blame, that is all it can be$1$ reproached with. For the outer world opposed my 01:0117;01[A ]| succeeding too, with its wiles, I have given some examples. And even if the voice 01:0117;01[A ]| could have$1$ harried me to$4$ the very scene of action, even then I might 01:0118;01[A ]| well have$1$ succeeded no better, because of the other obstacles barring my way. 01:0118;01[A ]| And in this command which faltered, then died, it was hard not to$9$ hear the 01:0118;01[A ]| unspoken entreaty, Do not do$1$ it, Molloy. In forever reminding me thus of my duty 01:0118;01[A ]| was its purpose to$9$ show me the folly of it? Perhaps. Fortunately it did no more 01:0118;01[A ]| than stress, the better to$9$ mock if you like, a innate velleity. And of myself, all 01:0118;01[A ]| my life, I think I had been going to$4$ my mother, with the purpose of establishing 01:0118;01[A ]| our relations on a less precarious footing. And when I was with her$6$, and I often 01:0118;01[A ]| succeeded, I left her$6$ without having done anything. And when I was no longer 01:0118;01[A ]| with her$6$ I was again on my way to$4$ her$6$, hoping to$9$ do$1$ better the next time. And 01:0118;01[A ]| when I appeared to$9$ give up and to$9$ busy myself with something else, or with 01:0118;01[A ]| nothing at all any more, in reality I was hatching my plans and seeking the way to$4$ 01:0118;01[A ]| her$2$ house. 01:0118;00@@@@@| 01:0118;01[A ]| This is taking a queer turn. So even without this so-called imperative 01:0118;01[A ]| I impugn, it would have$1$ been difficult for me to$9$ stay in the forest, since I was 01:0118;01[A ]| forced to$9$ assume my mother was not there. And yet it might have$1$ been better for 01:0118;01[A ]| me to$9$ try and stay. But I also said, Yet a little while, at the rate things are going, 01:0118;01[A ]| and I will not be$1$ able to$9$ move, but will have$1$ to$9$ stay, where I happen to$9$ be, unless 01:0118;01[A ]| someone comes and carries me. Oh I did not say$1$ it in such limpid language. 01:0118;01[A ]| And when I say I said, etc., all I mean is that I knew confusedly things were so, 01:0118;01[A ]| without knowing exactly what it was all about. And every time I say, I said this, 01:0118;01[A ]| or, I said that, or speak of a voice saying, far away inside me, Molloy, and then a 01:0118;01[A ]| fine phrase more or less clear and simple, or find myself compelled to$9$ attribute to$4$ 01:0118;01[A ]| others intelligible words, or hear my own voice uttering to$4$ others more or less 01:0118;01[A ]| articulate 01:0119;01[A ]| sounds, I am merely complying with the convention that demands you either 01:0119;01[A ]| lie or hold your peace. For what really happened was quite different. And I did 01:0119;01[A ]| not say$1$, Yet a little while, at the rate things are going, etc., but that resembled 01:0119;01[A ]| perhaps what I would have$1$ said, if I had been able. In reality I said nothing at all, 01:0119;01[A ]| but I heard a murmur, something gone wrong with the silence, and I pricked up 01:0119;01[A ]| my ears, like a animal I imagine, which gives a start and pretends to$9$ be$1$ dead. 01:0119;01[A ]| And then sometimes there arose within me, confusedly, a kind of consciousness, 01:0119;01[A ]| which I express by saying, I said, etc., or, Do not do$1$ it Molloy, or, Is that your 01:0119;01[A ]| mother's name? said the sergeant, I quote from memory. Or which I express 01:0119;01[A ]| without sinking to$4$ the level of oratio recta, but by means of other figures quite as 01:0119;01[A ]| deceitful, as for example, It seemed to$4$ me that, etc., or, I had the impression that, 01:0119;01[A ]| etc., for it seemed to$4$ me nothing at all, and I had no impression of any kind, but 01:0119;01[A ]| simply somewhere something had changed, so that I too had to$9$ change, or the 01:0119;01[A ]| world too had to$9$ change, in order for nothing to$9$ be$1$ changed. And it was these 01:0119;01[A ]| little adjustments, as between Galileo's vessels, that I can only express by saying, I 01:0119;01[A ]| feared that, or, I hoped that, or, Is that your mother's name? said the sergeant, for 01:0119;01[A ]| example, and that I might doubtless have$1$ expressed otherwise and better, if I had 01:0119;01[A ]| gone to$4$ the trouble. And so I shall perhaps some day when I have less horror of 01:0119;01[A ]| trouble than today. But I think not. So I said, Yet a little while, at the rate things 01:0119;01[A ]| are going, and I will not be$1$ able to$9$ move, but will have$1$ to$9$ stay, where I happen to$9$ 01:0119;01[A ]| be, unless some kind person comes and carries me. For my marches got shorter 01:0119;01[A ]| and shorter and my halts in consequence more 01:0120;01[A ]| and more frequent and I may add prolonged. For the notion of the long halt 01:0120;01[A ]| does not necessarily follow from that of the short march, nor that of the frequent 01:0120;01[A ]| halt either, when you come to$9$ think of it, unless you give frequent a meaning it 01:0120;01[A ]| does not possess, and I could never bring myself to$9$ do$1$ a thing like that. And it 01:0120;01[A ]| seemed to$4$ me all the more important to$9$ get out of this forest with all possible 01:0120;01[A ]| speed as I would very soon be$1$ powerless to$9$ get out of anything whatsoever, were 01:0120;01[A ]| it but a bower. It was winter, it must have$1$ been winter, and not only many trees 01:0120;01[A ]| had lost their leaves, but these lost leaves had gone all black and spongy and my 01:0120;01[A ]| crutches sank into them, in places right up to$4$ the fork. Strange to$9$ say$1$ I felt no 01:0120;01[A ]| colder than usual. Perhaps it was only autumn. But I was never very sensitive to$4$ 01:0120;01[A ]| changes of temperature. And the gloom, if it seemed less blue than before, was as 01:0120;01[A ]| thick as ever. Which made me say$1$ in the end, It is less blue because there is less 01:0120;01[A ]| green, but it is no less thick thanks to$4$ the leaden winter sky. Then something 01:0120;01[A ]| about the black dripping from the black boughs, something in that line. The black 01:0120;01[A ]| slush of leaves slowed me down even more. But leaves or no leaves I would 01:0120;01[A ]| have$1$ abandoned erect motion, that of man. And I still remember the day when, 01:0120;01[A ]| flat on my face by way of rest, in defiance of the rules, I suddenly cried, striking 01:0120;01[A ]| my brow, Christ, there is crawling, I never thought of that. But could I crawl, with 01:0120;01[A ]| my legs in such a state, and my trunk? And my head. But before I go on, a word 01:0120;01[A ]| about the forest murmurs. It was in vain I listened, I could hear nothing of the 01:0120;01[A ]| kind. But rather, with much goodwill and a little imagination, at long intervals a 01:0120;01[A ]| distant gong. A horn goes well with the forest, 01:0121;01[A ]| you expect it. It is the huntsman. But a gong! Even a tom-tom, at a pinch, would 01:0121;01[A ]| not have$1$ shocked me. But a gong ! It was mortifying, to$9$ have$1$ been looking 01:0121;01[A ]| forward to$4$ the celebrated murmurs if to$4$ nothing else, and to$9$ succeed only in 01:0121;01[A ]| hearing, at long intervals, in the far distance, a gong. For a moment I dared hope 01:0121;01[A ]| it was only my heart, still beating. But only for a moment. For it does not beat, not 01:0121;01[A ]| my heart, I would have$1$ to$9$ refer you to$4$ hydraulics for the squelch that old pump 01:0121;01[A ]| makes. To$4$ the leaves too I listened, before their fall, attentively in vain. They 01:0121;01[A ]| made no sound, motionless and rigid, like brass, have I said that before? So much 01:0121;01[A ]| for the forest murmurs. From time to$4$ time I blew my horn, through the cloth of 01:0121;01[A ]| my pocket. Its hoot was fainter every time. I had taken it off my bicycle. When? I 01:0121;01[A ]| do not know. And now, let us have done. Flat on my belly, using my crutches like 01:0121;01[A ]| grapnels, I plunged them ahead of me into the undergrowth, and when I felt they 01:0121;01[A ]| had a hold, I pulled myself forward, with a effort of the wrists. For my wrists 01:0121;01[A ]| were still quite strong, fortunately, in spite of my decrepitude, though all swollen 01:0121;01[A ]| and racked by a kind of chronic arthritis probably. That then briefly is how I went 01:0121;01[A ]| about it. The advantage of this mode of locomotion compared to$4$ others, I mean 01:0121;01[A ]| those I have tried, is this, that when you want to$9$ rest you stop and rest, without 01:0121;01[A ]| further ado. For standing there is no rest, nor sitting either. And there are men 01:0121;01[A ]| who move about sitting, and even kneeling, hauling themselves to$4$ right and left, 01:0121;01[A ]| forward and backward, with the help of hooks. But he who moves in this way, 01:0121;01[A ]| crawling on his belly, like a reptile, no sooner comes to$4$ rest than he begins to$9$ rest, 01:0121;01[A ]| and even the very movement is a kind of rest, compared 01:0122;01[A ]| to$4$ other movements, I mean those that have worn me out. And in this way I 01:0122;01[A ]| moved onward in the forest, slowly, but with a certain regularity, and I covered 01:0122;01[A ]| my fifteen paces, day in, day out, without killing myself. And I even crawled on 01:0122;01[A ]| my back, plunging my crutches blindly behind me into the thickets, and with the 01:0122;01[A ]| black boughs for sky to$4$ my closing eyes. I was on my way to$4$ mother. And from 01:0122;01[A ]| time to$4$ time I said, Mother, to$9$ encourage me I suppose. I kept losing my hat, the 01:0122;01[A ]| lace had broken long ago, until in a fit of temper I banged it down on my skull 01:0122;01[A ]| with such violence that I could not get it off again. And if I had met any lady 01:0122;01[A ]| friends, if I had had any lady friends, I would have$1$ been powerless to$9$ salute them 01:0122;01[A ]| correctly. But there was always present to$4$ my mind, which was still working, if 01:0122;01[A ]| laboriously, the need to$9$ turn, to$9$ keep on turning, and every three or four jerks I 01:0122;01[A ]| altered course, which permitted me to$9$ describe, if not a circle, at least a great 01:0122;01[A ]| polygon, perfection is not of this world, and to$9$ hope that I was going forward in a 01:0122;01[A ]| straight line, in spite of everything, day ,and night, towards my mother. And true 01:0122;01[A ]| enough the day came when the forest ended and I saw the light, the light of the 01:0122;01[A ]| plain, exactly as I had foreseen. But I did not see it from afar, trembling beyong the 01:0122;01[A ]| harsh trunks, as I had foreseen, but suddenly I was in it, I opened my eyes and 01:0122;01[A ]| saw I had arrived. And the reason for that was probably this, that for some time 01:0122;01[A ]| past I had not opened my eyes, or seldom. And even my little changes of course 01:0122;01[A ]| were made blindly, in the dark. The forest ended in a ditch, I do not know why, 01:0122;01[A ]| and it was in this ditch that I became aware of what had happened to$4$ me. I 01:0122;01[A ]| suppose it was the fall into the ditch that opened my eyes, for why would they 01:0122;01[A ]| have$1$ opened 01:0123;01[A ]| otherwise? I looked at the plain rolling away as far as the eye could see. No, not 01:0123;01[A ]| quite so far as that. For my eyes having got used to$4$ the light I fancied I saw, faintly 01:0123;01[A ]| outlined against the horizon, the towers and steeples of a town, which of course I 01:0123;01[A ]| could not assume was mine, on such slight evidence. It is true the plain seemed 01:0123;01[A ]| familiar, but in my region all the plains looked alike, when you knew one you 01:0123;01[A ]| knew them all. In any case, whether it was my town or not, whether somewhere 01:0123;01[A ]| under that faint haze my mother panted on or whether she poisoned the air a 01:0123;01[A ]| hundred miles away, were ludicrously idle questions for a man in my position, 01:0123;01[A ]| though of undeniable interest on the plane of pure knowledge. For how could I 01:0123;01[A ]| drag myself over that vast moor, where my crutches would fumble in vain. 01:0123;01[A ]| Rolling perhaps. And then? Would they let me roll on to$4$ my mother's door? 01:0123;01[A ]| Fortunately for me at this painful juncture, which I had vaguely foreseen, but not 01:0123;01[A ]| in all its bitterness, I heard a voice telling me not to$9$ fret, that help was coming. 01:0123;01[A ]| Literally. These words struck it is not too much to$9$ say$1$ as clearly on my ear, and on 01:0123;01[A ]| my understanding, as the urchin's thanks I suppose when I stooped and picked 01:0123;01[A ]| up his marble. Do not fret Molloy, we are coming. Well, I suppose you have to$9$ try 01:0123;01[A ]| everything once, succour included, to$9$ get a complete picture of the resources of 01:0123;01[A ]| their planet. I lapsed down to$4$ the bottom of the ditch. It must have$1$ been spring, a 01:0123;01[A ]| morning in spring. I thought I heard birds, skylarks perhaps. I had not heard a 01:0123;01[A ]| bird for a long time. How was it I had not heard any in the forest? Nor seen any. It 01:0123;01[A ]| had not seemed strange to$4$ me. Had I heard any at the seaside? Mews? I could not 01:0123;01[A ]| remember. I remembered the corn-crakes. 01:0124;01[A ]| The two travellers came back to$4$ my memory. One had a club. I had forgotten 01:0124;01[A ]| them. I saw the sheep again. Or so I say now. I did not fret, other scenes of my life 01:0124;01[A ]| came back to$4$ me. There seemed to$9$ be$1$ rain, then sunshine, turn about. Real spring 01:0124;01[A ]| weather. I longed to$9$ go back into the forest. Oh not a real longing. Molloy could 01:0124;01[A ]| stay, where he happened to$9$ be. 01:0125;00@@@@@| 01:0125;01[A ]| < II > 01:0125;01[A ]| It is midnight. The rain is beating on the windows. I am calm. All is 01:0125;01[A ]| sleeping. Nevertheless I get up and go to$4$ my desk. I can not sleep. My lamp sheds a 01:0125;01[A ]| soft and steady light. I have trimmed it. It will last till morning. I hear the eagle-owl. 01:0125;01[A ]| What a terrible battle-cry! Once I listened to$4$ it unmoved. My son is sleeping. 01:0125;01[A ]| Let him sleep. The night will come when he too, unable to$9$ sleep, will get up and 01:0125;01[A ]| go to$4$ his desk. I shall be$1$ forgotten. 01:0125;01[A ]| My report will be$1$ long. Perhaps I shall not finish it. My name is Moran, 01:0125;01[A ]| Jacques. That is the name I am known by. I am done for. My son too. All 01:0125;01[A ]| unsuspecting. He must think he is on the threshold of life, of real life. He is right 01:0125;01[A ]| there. His name is Jacques, like mine. This can not lead to$4$ confusion. 01:0125;01[A ]| I remember the day I received the order to$9$ see about Molloy. It was a 01:0125;01[A ]| Sunday in summer. I was sitting in my little garden, in a wicker chair, a black 01:0125;01[A ]| book closed 01:0126;01[A ]| on my knees. It must have$1$ been about eleven o'clock, still too early to$9$ go to$4$ 01:0126;01[A ]| church. I was savouring the day of rest, while deploring the importance attached 01:0126;01[A ]| to$4$ it, in certain parishes. To$9$ work, even to$9$ play on Sunday, was not of necessity 01:0126;01[A ]| reprehensible, in my opinion. It all depended on the state of mind of him who 01:0126;01[A ]| worked, or played, and on the nature of his work, Or his play, in my opinion. I 01:0126;01[A ]| was reflecting with satisfaction on this, that this slightly libertarian view was 01:0126;01[A ]| gaining ground, even among the clergy, more and more disposed to$9$ admit that 01:0126;01[A ]| the sabbath, so long as you go to$4$ mass and contribute to$4$ the collection, may be$1$ 01:0126;01[A ]| considered a day like any other, in certain respects. This did not affect me 01:0126;01[A ]| personally, I have always loved doing nothing. And I would gladly have$1$ rested on 01:0126;01[A ]| weekdays too, if I could have$1$ afforded it. Not that I was positively lazy. It was 01:0126;01[A ]| something else Seeing something done which I could have$1$ done better myself, if 01:0126;01[A ]| I had wished, and which I did do$1$ better whenever I put my mind to$4$ it, I had the 01:0126;01[A ]| impression of discharging a function to$4$ which no form of activity could have$1$ 01:0126;01[A ]| exalted me. But this was a joy in which, during the week, I could seldom indulge. 01:0126;01[A ]| The weather was fine. I watched absently the coming and going of my 01:0126;01[A ]| bees. I heard on the gravel the scampering steps of my son, caught up in I know 01:0126;01[A ]| not what fantasy of flight and pursuit. I called to$4$ him not to$9$ dirty himself. He did 01:0126;01[A ]| not answer. 01:0126;01[A ]| All was still. Not a breath. From my neighbours' chimneys the smoke 01:0126;01[A ]| rose straight and blue. None but tranquil sounds, the clicking of mallet and ball, a 01:0126;01[A ]| rake on pebbles, a distant lawn-mower, the bell of my beloved church. And birds 01:0126;01[A ]| of course, blackbird and thrush, their 01:0127;01[A ]| song sadly dying, vanquished by the heat, and leaving dawn's high boughs for 01:0127;01[A ]| the bushes' gloom. Contentedly I inhaled the scent of my lemon-verbena. 01:0127;01[A ]| In such surroundings slipped away my last moments of peace and 01:0127;01[A ]| happiness. 01:0127;01[A ]| A man came into the garden and walked swiftly towards me. I knew him 01:0127;01[A ]| well. Now I have no insuperable objection to$4$ a neighbour's dropping in, on a 01:0127;01[A ]| Sunday, to$9$ pay his respects, if he feels the need, though I much prefer to$9$ see 01:0127;01[A ]| nobody. But this man was not a neighbour. Our dealings were strictly of a 01:0127;01[A ]| business nature and he had journeyed from afar, on purpose to$9$ disturb me. So I 01:0127;01[A ]| was disposed to$9$ receive him frostily enough, all the more so as he had the 01:0127;01[A ]| impertinence to$9$ come straight to$4$ where I was sitting, under my Beauty of Bath. 01:0127;01[A ]| With people who took this liberty I had no patience. If they wished to$9$ speak to$4$ me 01:0127;01[A ]| they had only to$9$ ring at the door of my house. Martha had her$2$ instructions. I 01:0127;01[A ]| thought I was hidden from anybody coming into my grounds and following the 01:0127;01[A ]| short path which led from the garden-gate to$4$ the front door, and in fact I must 01:0127;01[A ]| have$1$ been. But at the noise of the gate being slammed I turned angrily and saw, 01:0127;01[A ]| blurred by the leaves, this high mass bearing down on me, across the lawn. I 01:0127;01[A ]| neither got up nor invited him to$9$ sit down. He stopped in front of me and we 01:0127;01[A ]| stared at each other in silence. He was dressed in his heavy, sombre Sunday best, 01:0127;01[A ]| and at this my displeasure knew no bounds. This gross external observance, 01:0127;01[A ]| while the soul exults in its rags, has always appeared to$4$ me a abomination. I 01:0127;01[A ]| watched the enormous feet crushing my daisies. I would gladly have$1$ driven him 01:0127;01[A ]| away, with a knout. Unfortunately it was not he who 01:0128;01[A ]| mattered. Sit down, I said, mollified by the reflection that after all he was only 01:0128;01[A ]| acting his part of go-between. Yes, suddenly I had pity on him, pity on myself. He 01:0128;01[A ]| sat down and mopped his forehead. I caught a glimpse of my son spying on us 01:0128;01[A ]| from behind a bush. My son was thirteen or fourteen at the time. He was big and 01:0128;01[A ]| strong for his age. His intelligence seemed at times little short of average. My son, 01:0128;01[A ]| in fact. I called him and ordered him to$9$ go and fetch some beer. Peeping and 01:0128;01[A ]| prying were part of my profession. My son imitated me instinctively. He returned 01:0128;01[A ]| after a remarkably short interval with two glasses and a quart bottle of beer. He 01:0128;01[A ]| uncorked the bottle and served us. He was very fond of uncorking bottles. I told 01:0128;01[A ]| him to$9$ go and wash himself, to$9$ straighten his clothes, in a word to$9$ get ready to$9$ 01:0128;01[A ]| appear in public, for it would soon be$1$ time for mass. He can stay, said Gaber. I 01:0128;01[A ]| do not wish him to$9$ stay, I said. And turning to$4$ my son I told him again to$9$ go and 01:0128;01[A ]| get ready. If there was one thing displeased me, at that time, it was being late for 01:0128;01[A ]| the last mass. Please yourself, said Gaber. Jacques went away grumbling with his 01:0128;01[A ]| finger in his mouth, a detestable and unhygienic habit, but preferable all things 01:0128;01[A ]| considered to$4$ that of the finger in the nose, in my opinion. If putting his finger in 01:0128;01[A ]| his mouth prevented my son from putting it in his nose, or elsewhere, he was 01:0128;01[A ]| right to$9$ do$1$ it, in a sense. 01:0128;01[A ]| Here are your instructions, said Gaber. He took a notebook from his 01:0128;01[A ]| pocket and began to$9$ read. Every now and then he closed the notebook, taking care 01:0128;01[A ]| to$9$ leave his finger in it as a marker, and indulged in comments and observations 01:0128;01[A ]| of which I had no need, for I knew my business. When at last he had finished I 01:0128;01[A ]| told him the job did not interest me and that the chief 01:0129;01[A ]| would do$1$ better to$9$ call on another agent. He wants it to$9$ be$1$ you, God knows why, 01:0129;01[A ]| said Gaber. I presume he told you why, I said, scenting flattery, for which I had a 01:0129;01[A ]| weakness. He said, replied Gaber, that no one could do$1$ it but you. This was more 01:0129;01[A ]| or less what I wanted to$9$ hear. And yet, I said, the affair seems childishly simple. 01:0129;01[A ]| Gaber began bitterly to$9$ inveigh against our employer, who had made him get up 01:0129;01[A ]| in the middle of the night, just as he was getting into position to$9$ make love to$4$ his 01:0129;01[A ]| wife. For this kind of nonsense, he added. And he said he had confidence in no 01:0129;01[A ]| one but me? I said. He does not know what he says, said Gaber. He added, Nor 01:0129;01[A ]| what he does. He wiped the lining of his bowler, peering inside as if in search of 01:0129;01[A ]| something. In that case it is hard for me to$9$ refuse, I said, knowing perfectly well 01:0129;01[A ]| that in any case it was impossible for me to$9$ refuse. Refuse! But we agents often 01:0129;01[A ]| amused ourselves with grumbling among ourselves and giving ourselves the 01:0129;01[A ]| airs of free men. You leave today, said Gaber. Today ! I cried, but he is out of his 01:0129;01[A ]| mind! Your son goes with you, said Gaber. I said no more. When it came to$4$ the 01:0129;01[A ]| point we said no more. Gaber buttoned his notebook and put it back in his pocket, 01:0129;01[A ]| which he also buttoned. He stood up, rubbing his hands over his chest. I could do$1$ 01:0129;01[A ]| with another beer, he said. Go to$4$ the kitchen, I said, the maid will serve you. 01:0129;01[A ]| Goodbye, Moran, he said. 01:0129;01[A ]| It was too late for mass. I did not need to$9$ consult my watch to$9$ know, I 01:0129;01[A ]| could feel mass had begun without me. I who never missed mass, to$9$ have$1$ missed 01:0129;01[A ]| it on that Sunday of all Sundays! When I so needed it! To$9$ buck me up! I decided 01:0129;01[A ]| to$9$ ask for a private communion, in the course of the afternoon. I would go 01:0129;01[A ]| without 01:0130;01[A ]| lunch. Father Ambrose was always very kind and accommodating. 01:0130;01[A ]| I called Jacques. Without result. I said, Seeing me still in conference he 01:0130;01[A ]| has gone to$4$ mass alone. This explanation turned out subsequently to$9$ be$1$ the 01:0130;01[A ]| correct one. But I added, He might have$1$ come and seen me, before leaving. I liked 01:0130;01[A ]| thinking in monologue and then my lips moved visibly. But no doubt he was 01:0130;01[A ]| afraid of disturbing me and of being reprimanded. For I was sometimes inclined 01:0130;01[A ]| to$9$ go too far when I reprimanded my son, who was consequently a little afraid of 01:0130;01[A ]| me. I myself had never been sufficiently chastened. Oh I had not been spoiled 01:0130;01[A ]| either, merely neglected. Whence bad habits ingrained beyond remedy and of 01:0130;01[A ]| which even the most meticulous piety has never been able to$9$ break me. I hoped 01:0130;01[A ]| to$9$ spare my son this misfortune, by giving him a good clout from time to$4$ time, 01:0130;01[A ]| together with my reasons for doing so. Then I said, Is he barefaced enough to$9$ tell 01:0130;01[A ]| me, on his return, that he has been to$4$ mass if he has not, if for example he has 01:0130;01[A ]| merely run off to$9$ join his little friends, behind the slaughter-house? And I 01:0130;01[A ]| determined to$9$ get the truth out of Father Ambrose, on this subject. For it was 01:0130;01[A ]| imperative my son should not imagine he was capable of lying to$4$ me with 01:0130;01[A ]| impunity. And if Father Ambrose could not enlighten me, I would apply to$4$ the 01:0130;01[A ]| verger, whose vigilance it was inconceivable that the presence of my son at 01:0130;01[A ]| twelve o'clock mass had escaped. For I knew for a fact that the verger had a list of 01:0130;01[A ]| the faithful and that, from his place beside the font, he ticked us off when it came 01:0130;01[A ]| to$4$ the absolution. 01:0130;00@@@@@| 01:0130;01[A ]| It is only fair to$9$ say$1$ that Father Ambrose knew nothing of these 01:0130;01[A ]| mano*euvres, yes, anything in the nature of surveillance 01:0131;01[A ]| was hateful to$4$ the good Father Ambrose. And he would have$1$ sent the verger 01:0131;01[A ]| flying about his business if he had suspected him of such a work of 01:0131;01[A ]| supererogation. It must have$1$ been for his own edification that the verger kept 01:0131;01[A ]| this register, with such assiduity. Admittedly I knew only what went on at the last 01:0131;01[A ]| mass, having no experience personally of the other offices, for the good reason 01:0131;01[A ]| that I never went within a mile of them. But I had heard it said that they were the 01:0131;01[A ]| occasion of exactly the same supervision, at the hands either of the verger 01:0131;01[A ]| himself or, when his duties called him elsewhere, of one of his sons. A strange 01:0131;01[A ]| parish whose flock knew more than its pastor of a circumstance which seemed 01:0131;01[A ]| rather in his province than in theirs. 01:0131;01[A ]| Such were my thoughts as I waited for my son to$9$ come back and Gaber, 01:0131;01[A ]| whom I had not yet heard leave, to$9$ go. And tonight I find it strange I could have$1$ 01:0131;01[A ]| thought of such things, I mean my son, my lack of breeding, Father Ambrose, 01:0131;01[A ]| Verger Joly with his register, at such a time. Had I not something better to$9$ do$1$, 01:0131;01[A ]| after what I had just heard? The fact is I had not yet begun to$9$ take the matter 01:0131;01[A ]| seriously. And I am all the more surprised as such light-mindedness was not 01:0131;01[A ]| like me. Or was it in order to$9$ win a few more moments of peace that I 01:0131;01[A ]| instinctively avoided giving my mind to$4$ it? Even if, as set forth in Gaber's report, 01:0131;01[A ]| the affair had seemed unworthy of me, the chief's insistence on having me, me 01:0131;01[A ]| Moran, rather than anybody else, ought to$9$ have$1$ warned me that it was no 01:0131;01[A ]| ordinary one. And instead of bringing to$9$ bear upon it without delay all the 01:0131;01[A ]| resources of my mind and of my experience. I sat dreaming of my breed's 01:0131;01[A ]| infirmities and the singularities of those about me. And yet the 01:0132;01[A ]| poison was already acting on me, the poison I had just been given. I stirred 01:0132;01[A ]| restlessly in my arm-chair, ran my hands over my face, crossed and uncrossed my 01:0132;01[A ]| legs, and so on. The colour and weight of the world were changing already, soon I 01:0132;01[A ]| would have$1$ to$9$ admit I was anxious. 01:0132;01[A ]| I remembered with annoyance the lager I had just absorbed. Would I be$1$ 01:0132;01[A ]| granted the body of Christ after a pint of Wallenstein? And if I said nothing? 01:0132;01[A ]| Have you come fasting, my son? He would not ask. But God would know, sooner 01:0132;01[A ]| or later. Perhaps he would pardon me. But would the eucharist produce the same 01:0132;01[A ]| effect, taken on top of beer, however light? I could always try. What was the 01:0132;01[A ]| teaching of the Church on the matter? What if I were about to$9$ commit sacrilege? I 01:0132;01[A ]| decided to$9$ suck a few peppermints on the way to$4$ the presbytery. 01:0132;01[A ]| I got up and went to$4$ the kitchen. I asked if Jacques was back. I have not seen 01:0132;01[A ]| him, said Martha. She seemed in bad humour. And the man? I said. What man? 01:0132;01[A ]| she said. The man who came for a glass of beer, I said. No one came for anything, 01:0132;01[A ]| said Martha. By the way, I said, unperturbed apparently, I shall not eat lunch 01:0132;01[A ]| today. She asked if I were ill. For I was naturally a rather heavy eater. And my 01:0132;01[A ]| Sunday midday meal especially I always liked extremely copious. It smelt good in 01:0132;01[A ]| the kitchen. I shall lunch a little later today, that is all, I said. Martha looked at me 01:0132;01[A ]| furiously. Say four o'clock, I said. In that wizened, grey skull what raging and 01:0132;01[A ]| rampaging then, I knew. You will not go out today, I said coldly, I regret. She 01:0132;01[A ]| flung herself at her$2$ pots and pans, dumb with anger. You will keep all that hot for 01:0132;01[A ]| me, I said, as best you can. And knowing 01:0133;01[A ]| her$6$ capable of poisoning me I added, You can have$1$ the whole day off tomorrow, 01:0133;01[A ]| if that is any good to$4$ you. 01:0133;01[A ]| I left her$6$ and went out on the road. So Gaber had gone without his beer. 01:0133;01[A ]| And yet he had wanted it badly. It was a good brand, Wallenstein. I stood there on 01:0133;01[A ]| the watch for Jacques. Coming from church he would appear on my right, on my 01:0133;01[A ]| left if he came from the slaughter-house. A neighbour passed. A free-thinker. 01:0133;01[A ]| Well well, he said, no worship today? He knew my habits, my Sunday habits I 01:0133;01[A ]| mean. Everyone knew them and the chief perhaps better than any, in spite of his 01:0133;01[A ]| remoteness. You look as if you had seen a ghost, said the neighbour. Worse than 01:0133;01[A ]| that, I said, you. I went in, at my back the dutifully hideous smile. I could see him 01:0133;01[A ]| running to$4$ his concubine with the news, You know that poor bastard Moran, you 01:0133;01[A ]| should have$1$ heard me, I had him lepping! Could not speak! Took to$4$ his heels! 01:0133;01[A ]| Jacques came back soon afterwards. No trace of frolic. He said he had 01:0133;01[A ]| been to$4$ church alone. I asked him a few pertinent questions concerning the 01:0133;01[A ]| march of the ceremony. His answers were plausible. I told him to$9$ wash his hands 01:0133;01[A ]| and sit down to$4$ his lunch. I went back to$4$ the kitchen. I did nothing but go to$8$ and 01:0133;01[A ]| fro. You may dish up, I said. She had wept. I peered into the pots. Irish stew. A 01:0133;01[A ]| nourishing and economical dish, if a little indigestible. All honour to$4$ the land it 01:0133;01[A ]| has brought before the world. I shall sit down at four o'clock, I said. I did not need 01:0133;01[A ]| to$9$ add sharp. I liked punctuality, all those whom my roof sheltered had to$9$ like it 01:0133;01[A ]| too. I went up to$4$ my room. And there, stretched on my bed, the curtains drawn, I 01:0133;01[A ]| made a first attempt to$9$ grasp the Molloy affair. 01:0134;01[A ]| My concern at first was only with its immediate vexations and the 01:0134;01[A ]| preparations they demanded of me. The kernel of the affair I continued to$9$ shirk. I 01:0134;01[A ]| felt a great confusion coming over me. 01:0134;01[A ]| Should I set out on my autocycle? This was the question with which I 01:0134;01[A ]| began. I had a methodical mind and never set out on a mission without 01:0134;01[A ]| prolonged reflection as to$4$ the best way of setting out. It was the first problem to$9$ 01:0134;01[A ]| solve, at the outset of each enquiry, and I never moved until I had solved it, to$4$ 01:0134;01[A ]| my satisfaction. Sometimes I took my autocycle, sometimes the train, sometimes 01:0134;01[A ]| the motor-coach, just as sometimes too I left on foot, or on my bicycle, silently, in 01:0134;01[A ]| the night. For when you are beset with enemies, as I am, you can not leave on 01:0134;01[A ]| your autocycle, even in the night, without being noticed, unless you employ it as 01:0134;01[A ]| a ordinary bicycle, which is absurd. But if I was in the habit of first settling this 01:0134;01[A ]| delicate question of transport, it was never without having, if not fully sifted, at 01:0134;01[A ]| least taken into account the factors on which it depended. For how can you decide 01:0134;01[A ]| on the way of setting out if you do not first know where you are going, or at least 01:0134;01[A ]| with what purpose you are going there? But in the present case I was tackling the 01:0134;01[A ]| problem of transport with no other preparation than the languid cognizance I 01:0134;01[A ]| had taken of Gaber's report. I would be$1$ able to$9$ recover the minutest details of this 01:0134;01[A ]| report when I wished. But I had not yet troubled to$9$ do$1$ so, I had avoided doing so, 01:0134;01[A ]| saying, The affair is banal. To$9$ try and solve the problem of transport under such 01:0134;01[A ]| conditions was madness. Yet that was what I was doing. I was losing my head 01:0134;01[A ]| already. 01:0134;01[A ]| I liked leaving on my autocycle, I was partial to$4$ this way of getting about. 01:0134;01[A ]| And in my ignorance of the 01:0135;01[A ]| reasons against it I decided to$9$ leave on my autocycle. Thus was inscribed, on the 01:0135;01[A ]| threshold of the Molloy affair, the fatal pleasure principle. 01:0135;01[A ]| The sun's beams shone through the rift in the curtains and made visible 01:0135;01[A ]| the sabbath of the motes. I concluded from this that the weather was still fine and 01:0135;01[A ]| rejoiced. When you leave on your autocycle fine weather is to$9$ be$1$ preferred. I was 01:0135;01[A ]| wrong, the weather was fine no longer, the sky was clouding over, soon it would 01:0135;01[A ]| rain. But for the moment the sun was still shining. It was on this that I went, 01:0135;01[A ]| with inconceivable levity, having nothing else to$9$ go on. 01:0135;01[A ]| Next I attacked, according to$4$ my custom, the capital question of the effects 01:0135;01[A ]| to$9$ take with me. And on this subject too I should have$1$ come to$4$ a quite otiose 01:0135;01[A ]| decision but for my son, who burst in wanting to$9$ know if he might go out. I 01:0135;01[A ]| controlled myself. He was wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, a thing I 01:0135;01[A ]| do not like to$9$ see. But there are nastier gestures, I speak from experience. 01:0135;01[A ]| Out? I said. Where? Out ! Vagueness I abhor. I was beginning to$9$ feel 01:0135;01[A ]| hungry. To$4$ the Elms, he replied. So we call our little public park. And yet there is 01:0135;01[A ]| not a elm to$9$ be$1$ seen in it, I have been told. What for? I said. To$9$ go over my 01:0135;01[A ]| botany, he replied. There were times I suspected my son of deceit. This was one. I 01:0135;01[A ]| would almost have$1$ preferred him to$9$ say$1$, For a walk, or, To$9$ look at the tarts. The 01:0135;01[A ]| trouble was he knew far more than I, about botany. Otherwise I could have$1$ set 01:0135;01[A ]| him a few teasers, on his return. Personally I just liked plants, in all innocence 01:0135;01[A ]| and simplicity. I even saw in them at times a superfetatory proof of the existence 01:0136;01[A ]| of God. Go, I said, but be$1$ back at half-past four, I want to$9$ talk to$4$ you. Yes papa, he 01:0136;01[A ]| said. Yes papa ! Ah ! 01:0136;00@@@@@| 01:0136;01[A ]| I slept a little. Faster, faster. Passing the church, something made me stop. 01:0136;01[A ]| I looked at the door, baroque, very fine. I found it hideous. I hastened on to$4$ the 01:0136;01[A ]| presbytery. The Father is sleeping, said the servant. I can wait, I said. Is it urgent? 01:0136;01[A ]| she said. Yes and no, I said. She showed me into the sitting-room, bare and bleak, 01:0136;01[A ]| dreadful. Father Ambrose came in, rubbing his eyes. I disturb you, Father, I said. 01:0136;01[A ]| He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, protestingly. I shall not 01:0136;01[A ]| describe our attitudes, characteristic his of him, mine of me. He offered me a cigar 01:0136;01[A ]| which I accepted with good grace and put in my pocket, between my fountain-pen 01:0136;01[A ]| and my propelling-pencil. He flattered himself, Father Ambrose, with being a 01:0136;01[A ]| man of the world and knowing its ways, he who never smoked. And everyone 01:0136;01[A ]| said he was most broad. I asked him if he had noticed my son at the last mass. 01:0136;01[A ]| Certainly, he said, we even spoke together. I must have$1$ looked surprised. Yes, he 01:0136;01[A ]| said, not seeing you at your place, in the front row, I feared you were ill. So I 01:0136;01[A ]| called for the dear child, who reassured me. A most untimely visitor, I said, 01:0136;01[A ]| whom I could not shake off in time. So your son explained to$4$ me, he said. He 01:0136;01[A ]| added, But let us sit down, we have no train to$9$ catch. He laughed and sat down, 01:0136;01[A ]| hitching up his heavy cassock. May I offer you a little glass of something? he said. 01:0136;01[A ]| I was in a quandary. Had Jacques let slip a allusion to$4$ the lager. He was quite 01:0136;01[A ]| capable of it. I came to$9$ ask you a favour, I said. Granted, he said. We observed 01:0136;01[A ]| each other. It is this, I said, 01:0137;01[A ]| Sunday for me without the Body and Blood is like ~~. He raised his hand. Above 01:0137;01[A ]| all no profane comparisons, he said. Perhaps he was thinking of the kiss without 01:0137;01[A ]| a moustache or beef without mustard. I dislike being interrupted. I sulked. Say no 01:0137;01[A ]| more, he said, a wink is as good as a nod, you want communion. I bowed my 01:0137;01[A ]| head. It is a little unusual, he said. I wondered if he had fed. I knew he was given 01:0137;01[A ]| to$4$ prolonged fasts, by way of mortification certainly, and then because his doctor 01:0137;01[A ]| advised it. Thus he killed two birds with one stone. Not a word to$4$ a soul, he said, 01:0137;01[A ]| let it remain between us and ~~. He broke off, raising a finger, and his eyes, to$4$ the 01:0137;01[A ]| ceiling. Heavens, he said, what is that stain? I looked in turn at the ceiling. Damp, 01:0137;01[A ]| I said. Tut tut, he said, how annoying. The words tut tut seemed to$4$ me the 01:0137;01[A ]| maddest I had heard. There are times, he said, when one feels like weeping. He 01:0137;01[A ]| got up. I will go and get my kit, he said. He called that his kit. Alone, my hands 01:0137;01[A ]| clasped until it seemed my knuckles would crack, I asked the Lord for guidance. 01:0137;01[A ]| Without result. That was some consolation. As for Father Ambrose, in view of 01:0137;01[A ]| his alacrity to$9$ fetch his kit, it seemed evident to$4$ me he suspected nothing. Or did 01:0137;01[A ]| it amuse him to$9$ see how far I would go? Or did it tickle him to$9$ have$1$ me commit 01:0137;01[A ]| a sin? I summarised the situation briefly as follows. If knowing I have beer taken 01:0137;01[A ]| he gives me the sacrament, his sin, if sin there be, is as great as mine. I was 01:0137;01[A ]| therefore risking little. He came back with a kind of portable pyx, opened it and 01:0137;01[A ]| dispatched me without a instant's hesitation. I rose and thanked him warmly. 01:0137;01[A ]| Pah! he said, it is nothing. Now we can talk. 01:0138;01[A ]| I had nothing else to$9$ say$1$ to$4$ him. All I wanted was to$9$ return home as 01:0138;01[A ]| quickly as possible and stuff myself with stew. My soul appeased, I was ravenous. 01:0138;01[A ]| But being slightly in advance of my schedule I resigned myself to$4$ allowing him 01:0138;01[A ]| eight minutes. They seemed endless. He informed me that Mrs Clement, the 01:0138;01[A ]| chemist's wife and herself a highly qualified chemist, had fallen, in her$2$ 01:0138;01[A ]| laboratory, from the top of a ladder, and broken the neck ~~. The neck! I cried. Of 01:0138;01[A ]| her$2$ femur, he said, can not you let me finish. He added that it was bound to$9$ happen. 01:0138;01[A ]| And I, not to$9$ be$1$ outdone, told him how worried I was about my hens, particularly 01:0138;01[A ]| my grey hen, which would neither brood nor lay and for the past month and 01:0138;01[A ]| more had done nothing but sit with her$2$ arse in the dust, from morning to$4$ night. 01:0138;01[A ]| Like Job, haha, he said. I too said haha. What a joy it is to$9$ laugh, from time to$4$ 01:0138;01[A ]| time, he said. Is it not? I said. It is peculiar to$4$ man, he said. So I have noticed, I 01:0138;01[A ]| said. A brief silence ensued. What do you feed her$6$ on? he said. Corn chiefly, I 01:0138;01[A ]| said. Cooked or raw? he said. Both, I said. I added that she ate nothing any more. 01:0138;01[A ]| Nothing ! he cried. Next to$4$ nothing, I said. Animals never laugh, he said. It takes 01:0138;01[A ]| us to$9$ find that funny, I said. What? he said. It takes us to$9$ find that funny, I said 01:0138;01[A ]| loudly. He mused. Christ never laughed either, he said, so far as we know. He 01:0138;01[A ]| looked at me. Can you wonder? I said. There it is, he said. He smiled sadly. She 01:0138;01[A ]| has not the pip, I hope, he said. I said she had not, certainly not, anything he 01:0138;01[A ]| liked, but not the pip. He meditated. Have you tried bicarbonate? he said. I beg 01:0138;01[A ]| your pardon? I said. Bicarbonate of soda, he said, have you tried it? Why no, I 01:0138;01[A ]| said. Try it! he cried, flushing with pleasure, 01:0139;01[A ]| have her$6$ swallow a few dessertspoonfuls, several times a day, for a few months. 01:0139;01[A ]| You will see, you will not know her$6$. A powder? I said. Bless my heart to$9$ be$1$ sure, he 01:0139;01[A ]| said. Many thanks, I said, I will begin today. Such a fine hen, he said, such a good 01:0139;01[A ]| layer. Or rather tomorrow, I said. I had forgotten the chemist was closed. Except in 01:0139;01[A ]| case of emergency. And now that little cordial, he said. I declined. 01:0139;01[A ]| This interview with Father Ambrose left me with a painful impression. 01:0139;01[A ]| He was still the same dear man, and yet not. I seemed to$9$ have$1$ surprised, on his 01:0139;01[A ]| face, a lack, how shall I say$1$, a lack of nobility. The host, it is only fair to$9$ say$1$, was 01:0139;01[A ]| lying heavy on my stomach. And as I made my way home I felt like one who, 01:0139;01[A ]| having swallowed a pain-killer, is first astonished, then indignant, on obtaining 01:0139;01[A ]| no relief. And I was almost ready to$9$ suspect Father Ambrose, alive to$4$ my excesses 01:0139;01[A ]| of the forenoon, of having fobbed me off with unconsecrated bread. Or of mental 01:0139;01[A ]| reservation as he pronounced the magic words. And it was in vile humour that I 01:0139;01[A ]| arrived home, in the pelting rain. 01:0139;01[A ]| The stew was a great disappointment. Where are the onions? I cried. 01:0139;01[A ]| Gone to$4$ nothing, replied Martha. I rushed into the kitchen, to$9$ look for the onions 01:0139;01[A ]| I suspected her$6$ of having removed from the pot, because she knew how much I 01:0139;01[A ]| liked them. I even rummaged in the bin. Nothing. She watched me mockingly. 01:0139;01[A ]| I went up to$4$ my room again, drew back the curtains on a calamitous sky 01:0139;01[A ]| and lay down. I could not understand what was happening to$4$ me. I found it 01:0139;01[A ]| painful at that period not to$9$ understand. I tried to$9$ pull myself together. In vain. I 01:0139;01[A ]| might have$1$ known. My life 01:0140;01[A ]| was running out, I knew not through what breach. I succeeded however in 01:0140;01[A ]| dozing off, which is not so easy, when pain is speculative. And I was marvelling, 01:0140;01[A ]| in that half-sleep, at my half sleeping, when my son came in, without knocking. 01:0140;01[A ]| Now if there is one thing I abhor, it is someone coming into my room, without 01:0140;01[A ]| knocking. I might just happen to$9$ be$1$ masturbating, before my cheval-glass. Father 01:0140;01[A ]| with yawning fly and starting eyes, toiling to$9$ scatter on the ground his joyless 01:0140;01[A ]| seed, that was no sight for a small boy. Harshly I recalled him to$4$ the proprieties. 01:0140;01[A ]| He protested he had knocked twice. If you had knocked a hundred times, I 01:0140;01[A ]| replied, it would not give you the right to$9$ come in without being invited. But, he 01:0140;01[A ]| said. But what? I said. You told me to$9$ be$1$ here at half-past four, he said. There is 01:0140;01[A ]| something, I said, more important in life than punctuality, and that is decorum. 01:0140;01[A ]| Repeat. In that disdainful mouth my phrase put me to$4$ shame. He was soaked. 01:0140;01[A ]| What have you been looking at? I said. The liliaceae, papa, he answered. The 01:0140;01[A ]| liliaceae papa ! My son had a way of saying papa, when he wanted to$9$ hurt me, 01:0140;01[A ]| that was very special. Now listen to$4$ me, I said. His face took on a expression of 01:0140;01[A ]| anguished attention. We leave this evening, I said in substance, on a journey. Put 01:0140;01[A ]| on your school suit, the green ~~ . But it is blue, papa, he said. Blue or green, put it 01:0140;01[A ]| on, I said violently. I went on. Put in your little knapsack, the one I gave you for 01:0140;01[A ]| your birthday, your toilet things, one shirt, one pair of socks and seven pairs of 01:0140;01[A ]| drawers. Do you understand? Which shirt, papa? he said. It does not matter which 01:0140;01[A ]| shirt, I cried, any shirt ! Which shoes am I to$9$ wear? he said. You have two pairs of 01:0140;01[A ]| shoes, I said, one for Sundays and one for weekdays, and you 01:0141;01[A ]| ask me which you are to$9$ wear. I sat up. I want none of your lip, I said. 01:0141;00@@@@@| 01:0141;01[A ]| Thus to$4$ my son I gave precise-instructions. But were they the right ones? 01:0141;01[A ]| Would they stand the test of second thoughts? Would I not be$1$ impelled, in a very 01:0141;01[A ]| short time, to$9$ cancel them? I who never changed my mind before my son. The 01:0141;01[A ]| worst was to$9$ be$1$ feared. 01:0141;01[A ]| Where are we going, papa? he said. How often had I told him not to$9$ ask 01:0141;01[A ]| me questions. And where were we going, in point of fact. Do as you are told, I said. 01:0141;01[A ]| I have a appointment with Mr Py tomorrow, he said. You will see him another 01:0141;01[A ]| day, I said. But I have a ache, he said. There exist other dentists, I said, Mr Py is 01:0141;01[A ]| not the unique dentist of the northern hemisphere. I added rashly, We are not 01:0141;01[A ]| going into the wilderness. But he is a very good dentist, he said. All dentists are 01:0141;01[A ]| alike, I said. I could have$1$ told him to$9$ get to$4$ hell out of that with his dentist, but 01:0141;01[A ]| no, I reasoned gently with him, I spoke with him as with a equal. I could 01:0141;01[A ]| furthermore have$1$ pointed out to$4$ him that he was lying when he said he had a 01:0141;01[A ]| ache. He did have$1$ a ache, in a bicuspid I believe, but it was over. Py himself had 01:0141;01[A ]| told me so. I have dressed the tooth, he said, your son can not possibly feel any 01:0141;01[A ]| more pain. I remembered this conversation well. He has naturally very bad teeth, 01:0141;01[A ]| said Py. Naturally, I said, what do you mean, naturally? What are you 01:0141;01[A ]| insinuating? He was born with bad teeth, said Py, and all his life he will have$1$ bad 01:0141;01[A ]| teeth. Naturally I shall do$1$ what I can. Meaning, I was born with the disposition to$9$ 01:0141;01[A ]| do$1$ all I can, all my life I shall do$1$ all I can, necessarily. Born with bad teeth! As for 01:0141;01[A ]| me, I was down to$4$ my incisors, the nippers. 01:0142;01[A ]| Is it still raining? I said. My son had drawn a small glass from his pocket 01:0142;01[A ]| and was examining the inside of his mouth, prising away his upper lip with his 01:0142;01[A ]| finger. Aaw, he said, without interrupting his inspection. Stop messing about 01:0142;01[A ]| with your mouth ! I cried. Go to$4$ the window and tell me if it is still raining. He 01:0142;01[A ]| went to$4$ the window and told me it was still raining. Is the sky completely 01:0142;01[A ]| overcast? I said. Yes, he said. Not the least rift? I said. No, he said. Draw the 01:0142;01[A ]| curtains, I said. Delicious instants, before one's eyes get used to$4$ the dark. Are you 01:0142;01[A ]| still there? I said. He was still there. I asked him what he was waiting for to$9$ do$1$ as I 01:0142;01[A ]| had told him. If I had been my son I would have$1$ left me long ago. He was not 01:0142;01[A ]| worthy of me, not in the same class at all. I could not escape this conclusion. Cold 01:0142;01[A ]| comfort that is, to$9$ feel superior to$4$ one's son, and hardly sufficient to$9$ calm the 01:0142;01[A ]| remorse of having begotten him. May I bring my stamps? he said. My son had 01:0142;01[A ]| two albums, a big one for his collection properly speaking and a small one for the 01:0142;01[A ]| duplicates. I authorised him to$9$ bring the latter. When I can give pleasure, 01:0142;01[A ]| without doing violence to$4$ my principles, I do so gladly. He withdrew. 01:0142;01[A ]| I got up and went to$4$ the window. I could not keep still. I passed my head 01:0142;01[A ]| between the curtains. Fine rain, lowering sky. He had not lied to$4$ me. Likely to$9$ lift 01:0142;01[A ]| round about eight. Fine sunset, twilight, night. Waning moon, rising towards 01:0142;01[A ]| midnight. I rang for Martha and lay down again. We shall dine at home, I said. 01:0142;01[A ]| She looked at me in astonishment. Did we not always dine at home? I had not yet 01:0142;01[A ]| told her$6$ we were leaving. I would not tell her$6$ till the last moment, one foot in 01:0142;01[A ]| the stirrup as the saying is. I did not wholly 01:0143;01[A ]| trust her$6$. I would call her$6$ at the last moment and say$1$, Martha, we are leaving, 01:0143;01[A ]| for one day, two days, three days, a week, two weeks, God knows, goodbye. It was 01:0143;01[A ]| important to$9$ leave her$6$ in the dark. Then why had I called her$6$? She would have$1$ 01:0143;01[A ]| served us dinner in any case, as she did every day. I had made the mistake of 01:0143;01[A ]| putting myself in her$2$ place. That was understandable; But to$9$ tell her$6$ we would 01:0143;01[A ]| dine at home, what a blunder. For she knew it already, thought she knew, did 01:0143;01[A ]| know. And as a result of this useless reminder she would sense that something 01:0143;01[A ]| was afoot and spy on us, in the hope of learning what it was. First mistake. The 01:0143;01[A ]| second, first in time, was my not having enjoined my son to$9$ keep what I had told 01:0143;01[A ]| him to$4$ himself. Not that this would have$1$ served any purpose. Nevertheless I 01:0143;01[A ]| should have$1$ insisted on it, as due to$4$ myself. I was floundering. I so sly as a rule. I 01:0143;01[A ]| tried to$9$ mend matters, saying, A little later than usual, not before nine. She 01:0143;01[A ]| turned to$9$ go, her$2$ simple mind already in a turmoil. I am at home to$4$ no one, I 01:0143;01[A ]| said. I knew what she would do$1$, she would throw a sack over her$2$ shoulders and 01:0143;01[A ]| slip off to$4$ the bottom of the garden. There she would call Hannah, the old cook of 01:0143;01[A ]| the Elsner sisters, and they would whisper together for a long time, through the 01:0143;01[A ]| railings. Hannah never went out, she did not like going out. The Elsner sisters 01:0143;01[A ]| were not bad neighbours, as neighbours go. They made a little too much music, 01:0143;01[A ]| that was the only fault I could find with them If there is one thing gets on my 01:0143;01[A ]| nerves it is music. What I assert, deny, question, in the present, I still can. But 01:0143;01[A ]| mostly I shall use the various tenses of the past. For mostly I do not know, it is 01:0143;01[A ]| perhaps no longer so, it is too soon to$9$ know, I simply do not know, perhaps shall 01:0143;01[A ]| never 01:0144;01[A ]| know. I thought a little of the Elsner sisters. Everything remained to$9$ be$1$ planned 01:0144;01[A ]| and there I was thinking of the Elsner sisters. They had a aberdeen called Zulu. 01:0144;01[A ]| People called it Zulu. Sometimes, when I was in a good humour, I called, Zulu ! 01:0144;01[A ]| Little Zulu ! and he would come and talk to$4$ me, through the railings. But I had to$9$ 01:0144;01[A ]| be$1$ feeling gay. I do not like animals. It is a strange thing, I do not like men and I 01:0144;01[A ]| do not like animals. As for God, he is beginning to$9$ disgust me. Crouching down I 01:0144;01[A ]| would stroke his ears, through the railings, and utter wheedling words. He did 01:0144;01[A ]| not realize he disgusted me. He reared up on his hind legs and pressed his chest 01:0144;01[A ]| against the bars. Then I could see his little black penis ending in a thin wisp of 01:0144;01[A ]| wetted hair. He felt insecure, his hams trembled, his little paws fumbled for 01:0144;01[A ]| purchase, one after the other. I too wobbled, squatting on my heels. With my free 01:0144;01[A ]| hand I held on to$4$ the railings. Perhaps I disgusted him too. I found it hard to$9$ tear 01:0144;01[A ]| myself away from these vain thoughts. 01:0144;01[A ]| I wondered, suddenly rebellious, what compelled me to$9$ accept this 01:0144;01[A ]| commission. But I had already accepted it, I had given my word. Too late. 01:0144;01[A ]| Honour. It did not take me long to$9$ gild my impotence. 01:0144;01[A ]| But could I not postpone our departure to$4$ the following day? Or leave 01:0144;01[A ]| alone? Ah shilly-shally. But we would wait till the very last moment, a little 01:0144;01[A ]| before midnight. This decision is irrevocable, I said. It was justified moreover by 01:0144;01[A ]| the state of the moon. 01:0144;01[A ]| I did as when I could not sleep. I wandered in my mind, slowly, noting 01:0144;01[A ]| every detail of the labyrinth, its paths as familiar as those of my garden and yet 01:0144;01[A ]| ever new, as empty as the heart could wish or alive with strange 01:0145;01[A ]| encounters. And I heard the distant cymbals, There is still time, still time. But 01:0145;01[A ]| there was not, for I ceased, all vanished and I tried once more to$9$ turn my 01:0145;01[A ]| thoughts to$4$ the Molloy affair. Unfathomable mind, now beacon, now sea. 01:0145;01[A ]| The agent and the messenger. We agents never took anything in writing. 01:0145;01[A ]| Gaber was not a agent in the sense I was. Gaber was a messenger. He was 01:0145;01[A ]| therefore entitled to$4$ a notebook. A messenger had to$9$ be$1$ possessed of singular 01:0145;01[A ]| qualities, good messengers were even more rare than good agents. I who was a 01:0145;01[A ]| excellent agent would have$1$ made but a sorry messenger. I often regretted it. Gaber 01:0145;01[A ]| was protected in numerous ways. He used a code incomprehensible to$4$ all but 01:0145;01[A ]| himself. Each messenger, before being appointed, had to$9$ submit his code to$4$ the 01:0145;01[A ]| directorate. Gaber understood nothing about the messages he carried. Reflecting 01:0145;01[A ]| on them he arrived at the most extravagantly false conclusions. Yes, it was not 01:0145;01[A ]| enough for him to$9$ understand nothing about them, he had also to$9$ believe he 01:0145;01[A ]| understood everything about them. This was not all. His memory was so bad that 01:0145;01[A ]| his messages had no existence in his head, but only in his notebook. He had only 01:0145;01[A ]| to$9$ close his notebook to$9$ become, a moment later, perfectly innocent as to$4$ its 01:0145;01[A ]| contents. And when I say that he reflected on his messages and drew conclusions 01:0145;01[A ]| from them, it was not as we would have$1$ reflected on them, you and I, the book 01:0145;01[A ]| closed and probably the eyes too, but little by little as he read. And when he raised 01:0145;01[A ]| his head and indulged in his commentaries, it was without losing a second, for if 01:0145;01[A ]| he had lost a second he would have$1$ forgotten everything, both text and gloss. I 01:0145;01[A ]| have often wondered if the messengers were 01:0146;01[A ]| not compelled to$9$ undergo a surgical operation, to$9$ induce in them such a degree 01:0146;01[A ]| of amnesia. But I think not. For otherwise their memory was good enough. And I 01:0146;01[A ]| have heard Gaber speak of his childhood, and of his family, in extremely 01:0146;01[A ]| plausible terms. To$9$ be$1$ undecipherable to$4$ all but oneself, dead without knowing it 01:0146;01[A ]| to$4$ the meaning of one's instructions and incapable of remembering them for 01:0146;01[A ]| more than a few seconds, these are capacities rarely united in the same 01:0146;01[A ]| individual. No less however was demanded of our messengers. And that they 01:0146;01[A ]| were more highly esteemed than the agents, whose qualities were sound rather 01:0146;01[A ]| than brilliant, is shown by the fact that they received a weekly wage of eight 01:0146;01[A ]| pounds as against ours of six pounds ten only, these figures being exclusive of 01:0146;01[A ]| bonuses and travelling expenses. And when I speak of agents and of messengers 01:0146;01[A ]| in the plural, it is with no guarantee of truth. For I had never seen any other 01:0146;01[A ]| messenger than Gaber nor any other agent than myself. But I supposed we were 01:0146;01[A ]| not the only ones and Gaber must have$1$ supposed the same. For the feeling that 01:0146;01[A ]| we were the only ones of our kind would, I believe, have$1$ been more than we 01:0146;01[A ]| could have$1$ borne. And it must have$1$ appeared natural, to$4$ me that each agent had 01:0146;01[A ]| his own particular messenger, and to$4$ Gaber that each messenger had his own 01:0146;01[A ]| particular agent. Thus I was able to$9$ say$1$ to$4$ Gaber, Let him give this job to$4$ someone 01:0146;01[A ]| else, I do not want it, and Gaber was able to$9$ reply, He wants it to$9$ be$1$ you. And these 01:0146;01[A ]| last words, assuming Gaber had not invented them especially to$9$ annoy me, had 01:0146;01[A ]| perhaps been uttered by the chief with the sole purpose of fostering our illusion, 01:0146;01[A ]| if it was one. All this is not very clear. 01:0147;00@@@@@| 01:0147;01[A ]| That we thought of ourselves as members of a vast organization was 01:0147;01[A ]| doubtless also due to$4$ the all too human feeling that trouble shared, or is it 01:0147;01[A ]| sorrow, is trouble something, I forget the word. But to$4$ me at least, who knew how 01:0147;01[A ]| to$9$ listen to$4$ the falsetto of reason, it was obvious that we were perhaps alone in 01:0147;01[A ]| doing what we did. Yes, in my moments of lucidity I thought it possible. And, to$9$ 01:0147;01[A ]| keep nothing from you, this lucidity was so acute at times that I came even to$9$ 01:0147;01[A ]| doubt the existence of Gaber himself. And if I had not hastily sunk back into my 01:0147;01[A ]| darkness I might have$1$ gone to$4$ the extreme of conjuring away the chief too and 01:0147;01[A ]| regarding myself as solely responsible for my wretched existence. For I knew I was 01:0147;01[A ]| wretched, at six pounds ten a week plus bonuses and expenses. And having made 01:0147;01[A ]| away with Gaber and the chief (one Youdi), could I have$1$ denied myself the 01:0147;01[A ]| pleasure of you know. But I was not made for the great light that devours, a dim 01:0147;01[A ]| lamp was all I had been given, and patience without end, to$9$ shine it on the empty 01:0147;01[A ]| shadows. I was a solid in the midst of other solids. 01:0147;01[A ]| I went down to$4$ the kitchen. I did not expect to$9$ find Martha there, but I 01:0147;01[A ]| found her$6$ there. She was sitting in her$2$ rocking-chair, in the chimney-corner, 01:0147;01[A ]| rocking herself moodily. This rocking-chair, she would have$1$ you believe, was the 01:0147;01[A ]| only possession to$4$ which she clung and she would not have$1$ parted with it for a 01:0147;01[A ]| empire. It is interesting to$9$ note that she had installed it not in her$2$ room, but in 01:0147;01[A ]| the kitchen, in the chimney-corner. Late to$9$ bed and early to$9$ rise, it was in the 01:0147;01[A ]| kitchen that she benefited by it most. The wage-payers are numerous, and I was 01:0147;01[A ]| one of them, who do not like to$9$ see, in the place set aside for toil, the furniture of 01:0147;01[A ]| reclining and repose. 01:0148;01[A ]| The servant wishes to$9$ rest? Let her$6$ retire to$4$ her$2$ room. In the kitchen all must 01:0148;01[A ]| be$1$ of wood, white and rigid. I should mention that Martha had insisted, before 01:0148;01[A ]| entering my service, that I permit her$6$ to$9$ keep her$2$ rocking-chair in the kitchen. I 01:0148;01[A ]| had refused, indignantly. Then, seeing she was inflexible, I had yielded. I was too 01:0148;01[A ]| kind-hearted. 01:0148;01[A ]| My weekly supply of lager, half-a-dozen quart bottles, was delivered every 01:0148;01[A ]| Saturday. I never touched them until the next day, for lager must be$1$ left to$9$ settle 01:0148;01[A ]| after the least disturbance. Of these six bottles Gaber and I, together, had emptied 01:0148;01[A ]| one. There should therefore be$1$ five left, plus the remains of a bottle from the 01:0148;01[A ]| previous week. I went into the pantry. The five bottles were there, corked and 01:0148;01[A ]| sealed, and one open bottle three quarters empty. Martha followed me with her$2$ 01:0148;01[A ]| eyes. I left without a word to$4$ her$6$ and went upstairs. I did nothing but go to$8$ and 01:0148;01[A ]| fro. I went into my son's room. Sitting at his little desk he was admiring his 01:0148;01[A ]| stamps, the two albums, large and small, open before him. On my approach he 01:0148;01[A ]| shut them hastily. I saw at once what he was up to$4$. But first I said, Have you got 01:0148;01[A ]| your things ready? He stood up, got his pack and gave it to$4$ me. I looked inside. I 01:0148;01[A ]| put my hand inside and felt through the contents, staring vacantly before me. 01:0148;01[A ]| Everything was in. I gave it back to$4$ him. What are you doing? I said. Looking at 01:0148;01[A ]| my stamps, he said. You call that looking at your stamps? I said. Yes papa, he said, 01:0148;01[A ]| with unimaginable effrontery. Silence, you little liar! I cried. Do you know what 01:0148;01[A ]| he was doing? Transferring to$4$ the album of duplicates, from his good collection 01:0148;01[A ]| properly so-called, certain rare and valuable stamps which he was in the habit of 01:0148;01[A ]| gloating over daily and could not 01:0149;01[A ]| bring himself to$9$ leave, even for a few days. Show me your new Timor, the five 01:0149;01[A ]| reis orange, I said. He hesitated. Show it to$4$ me ! I cried. I had given it to$4$ him 01:0149;01[A ]| myself, it had cost me a florin. A bargain, at the time. I have put it in here, he said 01:0149;01[A ]| piteously, picking up the album of duplicates. That was all I wanted to$9$ know, to$9$ 01:0149;01[A ]| hear him say$1$ rather, for I knew it already. Very good, I said. I went to$4$ the door. 01:0149;01[A ]| You leave both your albums at home, I said, the small one as well as the large 01:0149;01[A ]| one. Not a word of reproach, a simple prophetic present, on the model of those 01:0149;01[A ]| employed by Youdi. Your son goes with you. I went out. But as with delicate 01:0149;01[A ]| steps, almost mincing, congratulating myself as usual on the resilience of my 01:0149;01[A ]| Wilton, I followed the corridor towards my room, I was struck by a thought 01:0149;01[A ]| which made me go back to$4$ my son's room. He was sitting in the same place, but 01:0149;01[A ]| in a slightly different attitude, his arms on the table and his head on his arms. 01:0149;01[A ]| This sight went straight to$4$ my heart, but nevertheless I did my duty. He did not 01:0149;01[A ]| move. To$9$ make assurance doubly sure, I said, we shall put the albums in the safe, 01:0149;01[A ]| until our return. He still did not move. Do you hear me? I said. He rose with a 01:0149;01[A ]| bound that knocked over his chair and uttered the furious words, Do what you 01:0149;01[A ]| like with them! I never want to$9$ see them again ! Anger should be$1$ left to$9$ cool, in 01:0149;01[A ]| my opinion, crisis to$9$ pass, before one operates. I took the albums and withdrew, 01:0149;01[A ]| without a word. He had been lacking in respect, but this was not the moment to$9$ 01:0149;01[A ]| have$1$ him admit it. Motionless in the corridor I heard sounds of falling and 01:0149;01[A ]| collision. Another, less master of himself than I of myself, would have$1$ 01:0149;01[A ]| intervened. But it did not positively displease me that my son should 01:0150;01[A ]| give free vent to$4$ his grief. It purges. Sorrow does more harm when dumb, to$4$ 01:0150;01[A ]| my mind. 01:0150;01[A ]| The albums under my arm, I returned to$4$ my room. I had spared my son a 01:0150;01[A ]| grave temptation, that of putting in his pocket his most cherished stamps, in 01:0150;01[A ]| order to$9$ gloat on them, during our journey. Not that his having one or two 01:0150;01[A ]| stamps about him was reprehensible in itself. But it would have$1$ been a act of 01:0150;01[A ]| disobedience. To$9$ look at them he would have$1$ had to$9$ hide from his father. And 01:0150;01[A ]| when he had lost them, as he inevitably would, he would have$1$ been driven to$9$ 01:0150;01[A ]| lie, to$9$ account for their disappearance. No, if he could not really bear to$9$ be$1$ parted 01:0150;01[A ]| from the gems of his collection, it would have$1$ been better for him to$9$ take the 01:0150;01[A ]| entire album. For a album is less readily lost than a stamp. But I was a better 01:0150;01[A ]| judge than he of what he could and could not. For I knew what he did not yet 01:0150;01[A ]| know, among other things that this ordeal would be$1$ of profit to$4$ him. \Sollst\ 01:0150;01[A ]| \entbehren,\ that was the lesson I desired to$9$ impress upon him, while he was still 01:0150;01[A ]| young and tender. Magic words which I had never dreamt, until my fifteenth 01:0150;01[A ]| year, could be$1$ coupled together. And should this undertaking make me odious in 01:0150;01[A ]| his eyes and not only me, but the very idea of fatherhood, I would pursue it none 01:0150;01[A ]| the less, with everything in my power. The thought that between my death and 01:0150;01[A ]| his own, ceasing for a instant from heaping curses on my memory, he might 01:0150;01[A ]| wonder, in a flash, whether I had not been right, that was enough for me, that 01:0150;01[A ]| repaid me for all the trouble I had taken and was still to$9$ take. He would answer in 01:0150;01[A ]| the negative, the first time, and resume his execrations. But the doubt would be$1$ 01:0150;01[A ]| sown. He would go back to$4$ it. That was how I reasoned. 01:0151;01[A ]| I still had a few hours left before dinner. I decided to$9$ make the most of 01:0151;01[A ]| them. Because after dinner I drowse. I took off my coat and shoes, opened my 01:0151;01[A ]| trousers and got in between the sheets. It is lying down, in the warmth, in the 01:0151;01[A ]| gloom, that I best pierce the outer turmoil's veil, discern my quarry, sense what 01:0151;01[A ]| course to$9$ follow, find peace in another's ludicrous distress. Far from the world, its 01:0151;01[A ]| clamours, frenzies, bitterness and dingy light, I pass judgement on it and on 01:0151;01[A ]| those, like me, who are plunged in it beyond recall, and on him who has need of 01:0151;01[A ]| me to$9$ be$1$ delivered, who can not deliver myself. All is dark, but with that simple 01:0151;01[A ]| darkness that follows like a balm upon the great dismemberings. From their 01:0151;01[A ]| places masses move, stark as laws. Masses of what? One does not ask. There 01:0151;01[A ]| somewhere man is too, vast conglomerate of all of nature's kingdoms, as lonely 01:0151;01[A ]| and as bound. And in that block the prey is lodged and thinks himself a being 01:0151;01[A ]| apart. Anyone would serve. But I am paid to$9$ seek. I arrive, he comes away. His 01:0151;01[A ]| life has been nothing but a waiting for this, to$9$ see himself preferred, to$9$ fancy 01:0151;01[A ]| himself damned, blessed, to$9$ fancy himself everyman, above all others. Warmth, 01:0151;01[A ]| gloom, smells of my bed, such is the effect they sometimes have on me. I get up, 01:0151;01[A ]| go out, and everything is changed. The blood drains from my head, the noise of 01:0151;01[A ]| things bursting, merging, avoiding one another, assails me on all sides, my eyes 01:0151;01[A ]| search in vain for two things alike, each pinpoint of skin screams a different 01:0151;01[A ]| message, I drown in the spray of phenomena. It is at the mercy of these 01:0151;01[A ]| sensations, which happily I know to$9$ be$1$ illusory, that I have to$9$ live and work. It is 01:0151;01[A ]| thanks to$4$ them I find myself a meaning. So he whom a sudden pain awakes. He 01:0151;01[A ]| stiffens, ceases 01:0152;01[A ]| to$9$ breathe, waits, says, It is a bad dream, or, It is a touch of neuralgia, breathes 01:0152;01[A ]| again, sleeps again, still trembling. And yet it is not unpleasant, before setting to$9$ 01:0152;01[A ]| work, to$9$ steep oneself again in this slow and massive world, where all things 01:0152;01[A ]| move with the ponderous sullenness of oxen, patiently through the immemorial 01:0152;01[A ]| ways, and where of course no investigation would be$1$ possible. But on this 01:0152;01[A ]| occasion, I repeat, on this occasion, my reasons for doing so were I trust more 01:0152;01[A ]| serious and imputable less to$4$ pleasure than to$4$ business. For it was only by 01:0152;01[A ]| transferring it to$4$ this atmosphere, how shall I say$1$, of finality without end, why 01:0152;01[A ]| not, that I could venture to$9$ consider the work I had on hand. For where Molloy 01:0152;01[A ]| could not be, nor Moran either for that matter, there Moran could bend over 01:0152;01[A ]| Molloy. And though this examination prove unprofitable and of no utility for 01:0152;01[A ]| the execution of my orders, I should nevertheless have$1$ established a kind of 01:0152;01[A ]| connexion, and one not necessarily false. 01:0512;00@@@@@| 01:0512;01[A ]| For the falsity of the terms does not 01:0152;01[A ]| necessarily imply that of the relation, so far as I know. And not only this, but I 01:0152;01[A ]| should have$1$ invested my man, from the outset, with the air of a fabulous being, 01:0152;01[A ]| which something told me could not fail to$9$ help me later on. So I took off my coat 01:0152;01[A ]| and my shoes, I opened my trousers and I slipped in between the sheets, with a 01:0152;01[A ]| easy conscience, knowing only too well what I was doing. 01:0152;01[A ]| Molloy, or Mollose, was no stranger to$4$ me. If I had had colleagues, I might 01:0152;01[A ]| have$1$ suspected I had spoken of him to$4$ them, as of one destined to$9$ occupy us, 01:0152;01[A ]| sooner or later. But I had no colleagues and knew nothing of the circumstances in 01:0152;01[A ]| which I had learnt of his existence. Perhaps I had invented him, I mean found 01:0152;01[A ]| him ready 01:0153;01[A ]| made in my head. There is no doubt one sometimes meets with strangers who 01:0153;01[A ]| are not entire strangers, through their having played a part in certain cerebral 01:0153;01[A ]| reels. This had never happened to$4$ me, I considered myself immune from such 01:0153;01[A ]| experiences, and even the simple d=eja` vu seemed infinitely beyond my reach. 01:0153;01[A ]| But it was happening to$4$ me then, or I was greatly mistaken. For who could have$1$ 01:0153;01[A ]| spoken to$4$ me of Molloy if not myself and to$4$ whom if not to$4$ myself could I have$1$ 01:0153;01[A ]| spoken of him? I racked my mind in vain. For in my rare conversations with 01:0153;01[A ]| men I avoided such subjects. If anyone else had spoken to$4$ me of Molloy I would 01:0153;01[A ]| have$1$ requested him to$9$ stop and I myself would not have$1$ confided his existence to$4$ 01:0153;01[A ]| a living soul for anything in the world. If I had had colleagues things would 01:0153;01[A ]| naturally have$1$ been different. Among colleagues one says things which in any 01:0153;01[A ]| other company one keeps to$4$ oneself. But I had no colleagues. And perhaps this 01:0153;01[A ]| accounts for the immense uneasiness I had been feeling ever since the beginning 01:0153;01[A ]| of this affair. For it is no small matter, for a grown man thinking he is done with 01:0153;01[A ]| surprises, to$9$ see himself the theatre of such ignominy. I had really good cause to$9$ 01:0153;01[A ]| be$1$ alarmed. 01:0153;01[A ]| Mother Molloy, or Mollose, was not completely foreign to$4$ me either, it 01:0153;01[A ]| seemed. But she was much less alive than her$2$ son, who God knows was far from 01:0153;01[A ]| being so. After all perhaps I knew nothing of mother Molloy, or Mollose, save in 01:0153;01[A ]| so far as such a son might bear, like a scurf of placenta, her$2$ stamp. 01:0153;01[A ]| Of these two names, Molloy and Mollose, the second seemed to$4$ me 01:0153;01[A ]| perhaps the more correct. But barely. What I heard, in my soul I suppose, where 01:0153;01[A ]| the acoustics are so bad, was a first syllable, Mol, very clear, followed 01:0154;01[A ]| almost at once by a second, very thick, as though gobbled by the first, and which 01:0154;01[A ]| might have$1$ been oy as it might have$1$ been ose, or one, or even oc. And if I 01:0154;01[A ]| inclined towards ose, it was doubtless that my mind had a weakness for this 01:0154;01[A ]| ending, whereas the others left it cold. But since Gaber had said Molloy, not once 01:0154;01[A ]| but several times, and each time with equal incisiveness, I was compelled to$9$ 01:0154;01[A ]| admit that I too should have$1$ said Molloy and that in saying Mollose I was at fault. 01:0154;01[A ]| And henceforward, unmindful of my preferences, I shall force myself to$9$ say$1$ 01:0154;01[A ]| Molloy, like Gaber. That there may have$1$ been two different persons involved, 01:0154;01[A ]| one my own Mollose, the other the Molloy of the enquiry, was a thought which 01:0154;01[A ]| did not so much as cross my mind, and if it had I should have$1$ driven it away, as 01:0154;01[A ]| one drives away a fly, or a hornet. How little one is at one with oneself, good God. 01:0154;01[A ]| I who prided myself on being a sensible man, cold as crystal and as free from 01:0154;01[A ]| spurious depth. 01:0154;01[A ]| I knew then about Molloy, without however knowing much about him. I 01:0154;01[A ]| shall say$1$ briefly what little I did know about him. I shall also draw attention, in 01:0154;01[A ]| my knowledge of Molloy, to$4$ the most striking lacunae. 01:0154;01[A ]| He had very little room. His time too was limited. He hastened 01:0154;01[A ]| incessantly on, as if in despair, towards extremely close objectives. Now, a 01:0154;01[A ]| prisoner, he hurled himself at I know not what narrow confines, and now, 01:0154;01[A ]| hunted, he sought refuge near the centre. 01:0154;01[A ]| He panted. He had only to$9$ rise up within me for me to$9$ be$1$ filled with panting. 01:0154;01[A ]| Even in open country he seemed to$9$ be$1$ crashing through jungle. He did 01:0154;01[A ]| not so much walk as charge. 01:0155;01[A ]| In spite of this he advanced but slowly. He swayed, to$8$ and fro, like a bear. 01:0155;01[A ]| He rolled his head, uttering incomprehensible words. 01:0155;01[A ]| He was massive and hulking, to$4$ the point of misshapenness. And, 01:0155;01[A ]| without being black, of a dark colour. 01:0155;01[A ]| He was forever on the move. I had never seen him rest. Occasionally he 01:0155;01[A ]| stopped and glared furiously about him. 01:0155;01[A ]| This was how he came to$4$ me, at long intervals. Then I was nothing but 01:0155;01[A ]| uproar, bulk, rage, suffocation, effort unceasing, frenzied and vain. Just the 01:0155;01[A ]| opposite of myself, in fact. It was a change. And when I saw him disappear, his 01:0155;01[A ]| whole body a vociferation, I was almost sorry. 01:0155;01[A ]| What it was all about I had not the slightest idea. 01:0155;01[A ]| I had no clue to$4$ his age. As he appeared to$4$ me, so I felt he must have$1$ 01:0155;01[A ]| always appeared and would continue to$9$ appear until the end, a end indeed 01:0155;01[A ]| which I was hard put to$9$ imagine. For being unable to$9$ conceive what had brought 01:0155;01[A ]| him to$4$ such a pass, I was no better able to$9$ conceive how, left to$4$ his own resources, 01:0155;01[A ]| he could put a end to$4$ it. A natural end seemed unlikely to$4$ me, I do not know 01:0155;01[A ]| why. But then my own natural end, and I was resolved to$9$ have$1$ no other, would 01:0155;01[A ]| it not at the same time be$1$ his? Modest, I had my doubts. And then again, what 01:0155;01[A ]| end is not natural, are they not all by the grace of nature, the undeniably good and 01:0155;01[A ]| the so-called bad? Idle conjectures. 01:0155;01[A ]| I had no information as to$4$ his face. I assumed it was hirsute, craggy and 01:0155;01[A ]| grimacing. Nothing justified my doing so. 01:0156;01[A ]| That a man like me, so meticulous and calm in the main, so patiently 01:0156;01[A ]| turned towards the outer world as towards the lesser evil, creature of his house, 01:0156;01[A ]| of his garden, of his few poor possessions, discharging faithfully and ably a 01:0156;01[A ]| revolting function, reining back his thoughts within the limits of the calculable 01:0156;01[A ]| so great is his horror of fancy, that a man so contrived, for I was a contrivance, 01:0156;01[A ]| should let himself be$1$ haunted and possessed by chimeras, this ought to$9$ have$1$ 01:0156;01[A ]| seemed strange to$4$ me and been a warning to$4$ me to$9$ have$1$ a care, in my own 01:0156;01[A ]| interest. Nothing of the kind. I saw it only as the weakness of a solitary, a 01:0156;01[A ]| weakness admittedly to$9$ be$1$ deplored, but which had to$9$ be$1$ indulged in if I wished 01:0156;01[A ]| to$9$ remain a solitary, and I did, I clung to$4$ that, with as little enthusiasm as to$4$ my 01:0156;01[A ]| hens or to$4$ my faith, but no less lucidly. Besides this took up very little room in 01:0156;01[A ]| the inenarrable contraption I called my life, jeopardized it as little as my dreams 01:0156;01[A ]| and was as soon forgotten. Do not wait to$9$ be$1$ hunted to$9$ hide, that was always my 01:0156;01[A ]| motto. And if I had to$9$ tell the story of my life I should not so much as allude to$4$ 01:0156;01[A ]| these apparitions, and least of all to$4$ that of the unfortunate Molloy. For his was a 01:0156;01[A ]| poor thing, compared to$4$ others. 01:0156;01[A ]| But images of this kind the will can not revive without doing them 01:0156;01[A ]| violence. Much of what they had it takes away, much they never had it foists 01:0156;01[A ]| upon them. And the Molloy I brought to$4$ light, that memorable August Sunday, 01:0156;01[A ]| was certainly not the true denizen of my dark places, for it was not his hour. But 01:0156;01[A ]| so far as the essential features were concerned, I was easy in my mind, the 01:0156;01[A ]| likeness was there. And the discrepancy could have$1$ been still greater for all I 01:0156;01[A ]| cared. For what I was doing I was doing neither for Molloy, who mattered 01:0156;01[A ]| nothing 01:0157;01[A ]| to$4$ me, nor for myself, of whom I despaired, but on behalf of a cause which, 01:0157;01[A ]| while having need of us to$9$ be$1$ accomplished, was in its essence anonymous, and 01:0157;01[A ]| would subsist, haunting the minds of men, when its miserable artisans should be$1$ 01:0157;01[A ]| no more. It will not be$1$ said, I think, that I did not take my work to$4$ heart. But 01:0157;01[A ]| rather, tenderly, Ah those old craftsmen, their race is extinct and the mould 01:0157;01[A ]| broken. 01:0157;01[A ]| Two remarks. 01:0157;01[A ]| Between the Molloy I stalked within me thus and the true Molloy, after 01:0157;01[A ]| whom I was so soon to$9$ be$1$ in full cry, over hill and dale, the resemblance can not 01:0157;01[A ]| have$1$ been great. 01:0157;01[A ]| I was annexing perhaps already, without my knowing it, to$4$ my private 01:0157;01[A ]| Molloy, elements of the Molloy described by Gaber. 01:0157;01[A ]| The fact was there were three, no, four Molloys. He that inhabited me, my 01:0157;01[A ]| caricature of same, Gaber's and the man of flesh and blood somewhere awaiting 01:0157;01[A ]| me. To$4$ these I would add Youdi's were it not for Gaber's corpse fidelity to$4$ the 01:0157;01[A ]| letter of his messages. Bad reasoning. For could it seriously be$1$ supposed that 01:0157;01[A ]| Youdi had confided to$4$ Gaber all he knew, or thought he knew (all one to$4$ Youdi) 01:0157;01[A ]| about his protege? Assuredly not. He had only revealed what he deemed of 01:0157;01[A ]| relevance for the prompt and proper execution of his orders. I will therefore add a 01:0157;01[A ]| fifth Molloy, that of Youdi. But would not this fifth Molloy necessarily coincide 01:0157;01[A ]| with the fourth, the real one as the saying is, him dogged by his shadow? I would 01:0157;01[A ]| have$1$ given a lot to$9$ know. There were others too, of course. But let us leave it at 01:0157;01[A ]| that, if you do not mind, the party is big enough. And let us not meddle 01:0158;01[A ]| either with the question as to$4$ how far these five Molloys were constant and 01:0158;01[A ]| how far subject to$4$ variation. For there was this about Youdi, that he changed his 01:0158;01[A ]| mind with great facility. 01:0158;01[A ]| That makes three remarks. I had only anticipated two. 01:0158;01[A ]| The ice thus broken, I felt equal to$4$ facing Gaber's report and getting down 01:0158;01[A ]| to$4$ the official facts. It seemed as if the enquiry were about to$9$ start at last. 01:0158;00@@@@@| 01:0158;01[A ]| It was then that the sound of a gong, struck with violence, filled the 01:0158;01[A ]| house. True enough, it was nine o'clock. I got up, adjusted my clothes and 01:0158;01[A ]| hurried down. To$9$ give notice that the soup was in, nay, that it had begun to$9$ 01:0158;01[A ]| coagulate, was always for Martha a little triumph and a great satisfaction. For as a 01:0158;01[A ]| rule I was at table, my napkin tucked into my collar, crumbling the bread, fiddling 01:0158;01[A ]| with the cover, playing with the knife-rest, waiting to$9$ be$1$ served, a few minutes 01:0158;01[A ]| before the appointed hour. I attacked the soup. Where is Jacques? I said. She 01:0158;01[A ]| shrugged her$2$ shoulders. Detestable slavish gesture. Tell him to$9$ come down at 01:0158;01[A ]| once, I said. The soup before me had stopped steaming. Had it ever steamed? She 01:0158;01[A ]| came back. He will not come down, she said. I laid down my spoon. Tell me, 01:0158;01[A ]| Martha, I said, what is this preparation? She named it. Have I had it before? I said. 01:0158;01[A ]| She assured me I had. I then made a joke which pleased me enormously, I 01:0158;01[A ]| laughed so much I began to$9$ hiccup. It was lost on Martha who stared at me 01:0158;01[A ]| dazedly. Tell him to$9$ come down, I said at last. What? said Martha. I repeated my 01:0158;01[A ]| phrase. She still looked genuinely perplexed. There are three of us in this 01:0158;01[A ]| charming home, I said, you, my son and finally myself. 01:0159;01[A ]| What I said was, Tell him to$9$ come down. But he is sick, said Martha. Were he 01:0159;01[A ]| dying, I said, down he must come. Anger led me sometimes to$4$ slight excesses of 01:0159;01[A ]| language. I could not regret them. It seemed to$4$ me that all language was a excess 01:0159;01[A ]| of language. Naturally I confessed them. I was short of sins. 01:0159;01[A ]| Jacques was scarlet in the face. Eat your soup, I said, and tell me what you 01:0159;01[A ]| think of it. I am not hungry, he said. Eat your soup, I said. I saw he would not eat 01:0159;01[A ]| it. What ails you? I said. I do not feel well, he said. What a abominable thing is 01:0159;01[A ]| youth. Try and be$1$ more explicit, I said. I was at pains to$9$ use this term a little 01:0159;01[A ]| difficult for juveniles, having explained its meaning and application to$4$ him a few 01:0159;01[A ]| days before. So I had high hopes of his telling me he did not understand. But he 01:0159;01[A ]| was a cunning little fellow, in his way. Martha! I bellowed. She appeared. The 01:0159;01[A ]| sequel, I said. I looked more attentively out of the window. Not only had the rain 01:0159;01[A ]| stopped, that I knew already, but in the west scarves of fine red sheen were 01:0159;01[A ]| mounting in the sky. I felt them rather than saw them, through my little wood. A 01:0159;01[A ]| great joy, it is hardly too much to$9$ say$1$, surged over me at the sight of so much 01:0159;01[A ]| beauty, so much promise. I turned away with a sigh, for the joy inspired by beauty 01:0159;01[A ]| is often not unmixed, and saw in front of me what with good reason I had called 01:0159;01[A ]| the sequel. Now what have we here? I said. Usually on Sunday evening we had 01:0159;01[A ]| the cold remains of a fowl, chicken, duck, goose, turkey, I can think of no other 01:0159;01[A ]| fowl, from Saturday evening. I have always had great success with my turkeys, 01:0159;01[A ]| they are a better proposition than ducks, in my opinion, for rearing purposes. 01:0159;01[A ]| More delicate, possibly, but more remunerative, 01:0160;01[A ]| for one who knows and caters for their little ways,who likes them in a word 01:0160;01[A ]| and is liked by them in return. Shepherd's pie, said Martha. I tasted it, from the 01:0160;01[A ]| dish. And what have you done with yesterday's bird? I said. Martha's face took on 01:0160;01[A ]| a expression of triumph. She was waiting for this question, that was obvious, 01:0160;01[A ]| she was counting on it. I thought, she said, you ought to$9$ eat something hot, 01:0160;01[A ]| before you left. And who told you I was leaving? I said. She went to$4$ the door, a 01:0160;01[A ]| sure sign she was about to$9$ launch a shaft. She could only be$1$ insulting when in 01:0160;01[A ]| flight. I am not blind, she said. She opened the door. More is the pity, she said. 01:0160;01[A ]| She closed the door behind her$6$. 01:0160;01[A ]| I looked at my son. He had his mouth open and his eyes closed. Was it 01:0160;01[A ]| you blabbed on us? I said. He pretended not to$9$ know what I was talking about. Did 01:0160;01[A ]| you tell Martha we were leaving? I said. He said he had not. And why not? I said. 01:0160;01[A ]| I did not see her$6$, he said brazenly. But she has just been up to$4$ your room, I said. 01:0160;01[A ]| The pie was already made, he said. At times he was almost worthy of me. But he 01:0160;01[A ]| was wrong to$9$ invoke the pie. But he was still young and inexperienced and I 01:0160;01[A ]| refrained from humbling him. Try and tell me, I said, a little more precisely, what 01:0160;01[A ]| it is you feel. I have a stomach-ache, he said. A stomach-ache ! Have you a 01:0160;01[A ]| temperature? I said. I do not know, he said. Find out, I said. He was looking more 01:0160;01[A ]| and more stupefied. Fortunately I rather enjoyed dotting my i's. Go and get the 01:0160;01[A ]| minute-thermometer, I said, out of the second right-hand drawer of my desk, 01:0160;01[A ]| counting from the top, take your temperature and bring me the thermometer. I 01:0160;01[A ]| let a few minutes go by and then, without being asked, repeated 01:0161;01[A ]| slowly, word for word, this rather long and difficult sentence, which contained 01:0161;01[A ]| no fewer than three or four imperatives. As he went out, having presumably 01:0161;01[A ]| understood the gist of it, I added jocosely, You know which mouth to$9$ put it in? I 01:0161;01[A ]| was not averse, in conversation with my son, to$4$ jests of doubtful taste, in the 01:0161;01[A ]| interests of his education. Those whose pungency he could not fully savour at the 01:0161;01[A ]| time, and they must have$1$ been many, he could reflect on at his leisure or seek in 01:0161;01[A ]| company with his little friends to$9$ interpret as best he might. Which was in itself 01:0161;01[A ]| a excellent exercise. And at the same time I inclined his young mind towards 01:0161;01[A ]| that most fruitful of dispositions, horror of the body and its functions. But I had 01:0161;01[A ]| turned my phrase badly; mouth was not the word I should have$1$ used. It was 01:0161;01[A ]| while examining the shepherd's pie more narrowly that I had this afterthought. I 01:0161;01[A ]| lifted the crust with my spoon and looked inside. I probed it with my fork. I called 01:0161;01[A ]| Martha and said, His dog would not touch it. I thought with a smile of my desk 01:0161;01[A ]| which had only six drawers in all and for all, three on each side of the space 01:0161;01[A ]| where I put my legs. Since your dinner is uneatable, I said, be$1$ good enough to$9$ 01:0161;01[A ]| prepare a packet of sandwiches, with the chicken you could not finish. My son 01:0161;01[A ]| came back at last. That is all the thanks you get for having a minute-thermometer. 01:0161;01[A ]| He handed it to$4$ me. Did you have$1$ time to$9$ wipe it? I said. Seeing me squint at the 01:0161;01[A ]| mercury he went to$4$ the door and switched on the light. How remote Youdi was at 01:0161;01[A ]| that instant. Sometimes in the winter, coming home harassed and weary after a 01:0161;01[A ]| day of fruitless errands, I would find my slippers warming in front of the fire, the 01:0161;01[A ]| uppers turned to$4$ the flame. He had temperature. There is nothing 01:0162;01[A ]| wrong with you, I said. May I go up? he said. What for? I said. To$9$ lie down, he 01:0162;01[A ]| said. Was not this the providential hindrance for which I could not be$1$ held 01:0162;01[A ]| responsible? Doubtless, but I would never dare invoke it. I was not going to$9$ 01:0162;01[A ]| expose myself to$4$ thunderbolts which might be$1$ fatal, simply because my son had 01:0162;01[A ]| the gripes. If he fell seriously ill on the way, it would be$1$ another matter. It was not 01:0162;01[A ]| for nothing I had studied the old testament. Have you shat, my child, I said 01:0162;01[A ]| gently. I have tried, he said. Do you want to$9$, I said. Yes, he said. But nothing comes, 01:0162;01[A ]| I said. No, he said. A little wind, I said. Yes, he said. Suddenly I remembered 01:0162;01[A ]| Father Ambrose's cigar. I lit it. We will see what we can do$1$, I said, getting up. We 01:0162;01[A ]| went upstairs. I gave him a enema, with salt water. He struggled, but not for 01:0162;01[A ]| long. I withdrew the nozzle. Try and hold it, I said, do not stay sitting on the pot, 01:0162;01[A ]| lie flat on your stomach. We were in the bathroom. He lay down on the tiles, his 01:0162;01[A ]| big fat bottom sticking up. Let it soak well in, I said. What a day. I looked at the 01:0162;01[A ]| ash on my cigar. It was firm and blue. I sat down on the edge of the bath. The 01:0162;01[A ]| porcelain, the mirrors, the chromium, instilled a great peace within me. At least I 01:0162;01[A ]| suppose it was they. It was not a great peace in any case. I got up, laid down my 01:0162;01[A ]| cigar and brushed my incisors. I also brushed the back gums. I looked at myself, 01:0162;01[A ]| puffing out my lips which normally recede into my mouth. What do I look like? 01:0162;01[A ]| I said. The sight of my moustache, as always, annoyed me. It was not quite right. It 01:0162;01[A ]| suited me, without a moustache I was inconceivable. But it ought to$9$ have$1$ suited 01:0162;01[A ]| me better. A slight change in the cut would have$1$ sufficed. But what change? Was 01:0162;01[A ]| there 01:0163;01[A ]| too much of it, not enough? Now, I said, without ceasing to$9$ inspect myself, get 01:0163;01[A ]| back on the pot and strain. Was it not rather the colour? A noise as of a waste 01:0163;01[A ]| recalled me to$4$ less elevated preoccupations. He stood up trembling all over. We 01:0163;01[A ]| bent together over the pot which at length I took by the handle and tilted from 01:0163;01[A ]| side to$4$ side. A few fibrous shreds floated in the yellow liquid. How can you hope 01:0163;01[A ]| to$9$ shit, I said, when you have nothing in your stomach? He protested he had had 01:0163;01[A ]| his lunch. You ate nothing, I said. He said no more. I had scored a hit. You forget 01:0163;01[A ]| we are leaving in a hour or so, I said. I can not, he said. So that, I pursued, you will 01:0163;01[A ]| have$1$ to$9$ eat something. a acute pain shot through my knee. What is the matter, 01:0163;01[A ]| papa? he said. I let myself fall on the stool, pulled up the leg of my trousers and 01:0163;01[A ]| examined my knee, flexing and unflexing it. Quick the iodex, I said. You are sitting 01:0163;01[A ]| on it, he said. I stood up and the leg of my trousers fell down over my ankle. This 01:0163;01[A ]| inertia of things is enough to$9$ drive one literally insane. I let out a bellow which 01:0163;01[A ]| must have$1$ been heard by the Elsner sisters. They stop reading, raise their heads, 01:0163;01[A ]| look at each other, listen. Nothing more. Just another cry in the night. Two old 01:0163;01[A ]| hands, veined, ringed, seek each other, clasp. 01:0163;00@@@@@| 01:0163;01[A ]| I pulled up the leg of my trousers 01:0163;01[A ]| again, rolled it in a fury round my thigh, raised the lid of the stool, took out the 01:0163;01[A ]| iodex and rubbed it into my knee. The knee is full of little loose bones Let it soak 01:0163;01[A ]| well in, said my son. He would pay for that later on. When I had finished I put 01:0163;01[A ]| everything back in place, rolled down the leg of my trousers, sat down on the 01:0163;01[A ]| stool again and listened. Nothing more. Unless you would like to$9$ try a real emetic, I 01:0163;01[A ]| said, as if nothing had happened. 01:0164;01[A ]| I am tired, he said. You go and lie down, I said, I will bring you something nice and 01:0164;01[A ]| light in bed, you will have$1$ a little sleep and then we will leave together. I drew him to$4$ 01:0164;01[A ]| me. What do you say$1$ to$4$ that? I said. He said to$4$ it, Yes papa. Did he love me then 01:0164;01[A ]| as much as I loved him? You could never be$1$ sure with that little hypocrite. Be off 01:0164;01[A ]| with you now, I said, cover yourself up well, I will not be$1$ long. I went down to$4$ the 01:0164;01[A ]| kitchen, prepared and set out on my handsome lacquer tray a bowl of hot milk 01:0164;01[A ]| and a slice of bread and jam. He asked for a report he will get his report. Martha 01:0164;01[A ]| watched me in silence, lolling in her$2$ rocking-chair. Like a Fate who had run out 01:0164;01[A ]| of thread. I cleaned up everything after me and turned to$4$ the door. May I go to$4$ 01:0164;01[A ]| bed? she said. She had waited till I was standing up, the laden tray in my hands, 01:0164;01[A ]| to$9$ ask me this question. I went out, set down the tray on the chair at the foot of 01:0164;01[A ]| the stairs and went back to$4$ the kitchen. Have you made the sandwiches? I said. 01:0164;01[A ]| Meanwhile the milk was getting cold and forming a revolting skin. She had 01:0164;01[A ]| made them. I am going to$4$ bed, she said. Everyone was going to$4$ bed. You will have$1$ 01:0164;01[A ]| to$9$ get up in a hour or so, I said, to$9$ lock up. I was for her$6$ to$9$ decide if it was worth 01:0164;01[A ]| while going to$4$ bed, under these conditions. She asked me how long I expected to$9$ 01:0164;01[A ]| be$1$ away. Did she realize I was not setting out alone? I suppose so. When she went 01:0164;01[A ]| up to$9$ tell my son to$9$ come down, even if he had told her$6$ nothing, she must have$1$ 01:0164;01[A ]| noticed the knapsack. I have no idea, I said. Then almost in the same breath, 01:0164;01[A ]| seeing her$6$ so old, worse than old, aging, so sad and solitary in her$2$ everlasting 01:0164;01[A ]| corner, There, there, it will not be$1$ long. And I advised her$6$, in terms for me warm, 01:0164;01[A ]| to$9$ have$1$ a good rest while I was away 01:0165;01[A ]| and a good time visiting her$2$ friends and receiving them. Stint neither tea nor 01:0165;01[A ]| sugar, I said, and if by any chance you should happen to$9$ need money, apply to$4$ Mr 01:0165;01[A ]| Savory. I carried this sudden cordiality so far as to$9$ shake her$6$ by the hand, which 01:0165;01[A ]| she hastily wiped, as soon as she grasped my intention, on her$2$ apron. When I had 01:0165;01[A ]| finished shaking it, that flabby red hand, I did not let it go. But I took one finger 01:0165;01[A ]| between the tips of mine, drew it towards me and gazed at it. And had I had any 01:0165;01[A ]| tears to$9$ shed I should have$1$ shed them then, in torrents, for hours. She must have$1$ 01:0165;01[A ]| wondered if I was not on the point of making a attempt on her$2$ virtue. I gave 01:0165;01[A ]| her$6$ back her$2$ hand, took the sandwiches and left her$6$. 01:0165;01[A ]| Martha had been a long time in my service. I was often away from home. 01:0165;01[A ]| I had never taken leave of her$6$ in this way, but always offhandedly, even when a 01:0165;01[A ]| prolonged absence was to$9$ be$1$ feared, which was not the case on this occasion. 01:0165;01[A ]| Sometimes I departed without a word to$4$ her$6$. 01:0165;01[A ]| Before going into my son's room I went into my own. I still had the cigar 01:0165;01[A ]| in my mouth, but the pretty ash had fallen off. I reproached myself with this 01:0165;01[A ]| negligence. I dissolved a sleeping-powder in the milk. He asked for a report, he will 01:0165;01[A ]| get his report. I was going out with the tray when my eyes fell on the two albums 01:0165;01[A ]| lying on my desk. I wondered if I might not relent, at any rate so far as the album 01:0165;01[A ]| of duplicates was concerned. A little while ago he had come here to$9$ fetch the 01:0165;01[A ]| thermometer. He had been a long time. Had he taken advantage of the 01:0165;01[A ]| opportunity to$9$ secure some of his favourite stamps? I had not time to$9$ check them 01:0165;01[A ]| all. I put down the tray and looked for a few stamps at random, the Togo one 01:0166;01[A ]| mark carmine with the pretty boat, the Nyassa 1901 ten reis, and several 01:0166;01[A ]| others. I was very fond of the Nyassa. It was green and showed a giraffe grazing 01:0166;01[A ]| off the top of a palm-tree. They were all there. That proved nothing. It only 01:0166;01[A ]| proved that those particular stamps were there. I finally decided that to$9$ go back on 01:0166;01[A ]| my decision, freely taken and clearly stated, would deal a blow to$4$ my authority 01:0166;01[A ]| which it was in no condition to$9$ sustain. I did so with sorrow. My son was already 01:0166;01[A ]| sleeping. I woke him. He ate and drank, grimacing in disgust. That was all the 01:0166;01[A ]| thanks I got. I waited until the last drop, the last crumb, had disappeared. He 01:0166;01[A ]| turned to$4$ the wall and I tucked him in. I was within a hair's breadth of kissing 01:0166;01[A ]| him. Neither he nor I had uttered a word. We had no further need of words, for 01:0166;01[A ]| the time being. Besides my son rarely spoke to$4$ me unless I spoke to$4$ him. And 01:0166;01[A ]| when I did so he answered but lamely and as it were with reluctance. And yet 01:0166;01[A ]| with his little friends, when he thought I was out of the way, he was incredibly 01:0166;01[A ]| voluble. That my presence had the effect of dampening this disposition was far 01:0166;01[A ]| from displeasing me. Not one person in a hundred knows how to$9$ be$1$ silent and 01:0166;01[A ]| listen, no, nor even to$9$ conceive what such a thing means. Yet only then can you 01:0166;01[A ]| detect, beyond the fatuous clamour, the silence of which the universe is made. I 01:0166;01[A ]| desired this advantage for my son. And that he should hold aloof from those 01:0166;01[A ]| who pride themselves on their eagle gaze. I had not struggled, toiled, suffered, 01:0166;01[A ]| made good, lived like a Hottentot, so that my son should do$1$ the same. I tiptoed 01:0166;01[A ]| out. I quite enjoyed playing my parts through the bitter end. 01:0166;01[A ]| Since in this way I shirked the issue, have I to$9$ apologise 01:0167;01[A ]| for saying so? I let fall this suggestion for what it is worth. And perfunctorily. 01:0167;01[A ]| For in describing this day I am once more he who suffered it, who crammed it 01:0167;01[A ]| full of futile anxious life, with no other purpose than his own stultification and 01:0167;01[A ]| the means of not doing what he had to$9$ do$1$. And as then my thoughts would have$1$ 01:0167;01[A ]| none of Molloy, so tonight my pen. This confession has been preying on my 01:0167;01[A ]| mind for some time past. To$9$ have$1$ made it gives me no relief. 01:0167;01[A ]| I reflected with bitter satisfaction that if my son lay down and died by the 01:0167;01[A ]| wayside, it would be$1$ none of my doing. To$4$ every man his own responsibilities. I 01:0167;01[A ]| know of some they do not keep awake. 01:0167;01[A ]| I said, There is something in this house tying my hands. A man like me 01:0167;01[A ]| can not forget, in his evasions, what it is he evades. I went down to$4$ the garden 01:0167;01[A ]| and moved about in the almost total darkness. If I had not known my garden so 01:0167;01[A ]| well I would have$1$ blundered into my shrubberies, or my bee-hives. My cigar had 01:0167;01[A ]| gone out unnoticed. I shook it and put it in my pocket, intending to$9$ discard it in 01:0167;01[A ]| the ash-tray, or in the waste-paper basket, later on. But the next day, far from 01:0167;01[A ]| Turdy, I found it in my pocket and indeed not without satisfaction. For I was able 01:0167;01[A ]| to$9$ get a few more puffs out of it. To$9$ discover the cold cigar between my teeth, to$9$ 01:0167;01[A ]| spit it out, to$9$ search for it in the dark, to$9$ pick it up, to$9$ wonder what I should do$1$ 01:0167;01[A ]| with it, to$9$ shake it needlessly and put it in my pocket, to$9$ conjure up the ash-tray 01:0167;01[A ]| and the wastepaper basket, these were merely the principal stages of a sequence 01:0167;01[A ]| which I spun out for a quarter of a hour at least. Others concerned the dog Zulu, 01:0167;01[A ]| the perfumes sharpened tenfold by the rain and whose sources I amused 01:0168;01[A ]| myself exploring, in my head and with my hands, a neighbour's light, another's 01:0168;01[A ]| noise, and so on. My son's window was faintly lit. He liked sleeping with a night-light 01:0168;01[A ]| beside him. I sometimes felt it was wrong of me to$9$ let him humour this 01:0168;01[A ]| weakness. Until quite recently he could not sleep unless he had his woolly bear to$9$ 01:0168;01[A ]| hug. When he had forgotten the bear (Baby Jack) I would forbid the night-light. 01:0168;01[A ]| What would I have$1$ done that day without my son to$9$ distract me? My duty 01:0168;01[A ]| perhaps. 01:0168;01[A ]| Finding my spirits as low in the garden as in the house, I turned to$9$ 01:0168;01[A ]| go in, saying to$4$ myself it was one of two things, either my house had nothing to$9$ 01:0168;01[A ]| do$1$ with the kind of nothingness in the midst of which I stumbled or else the 01:0168;01[A ]| whole of my little property was to$9$ blame. To$9$ adopt this latter hypothesis was to$9$ 01:0168;01[A ]| condone what I had done and, in advance, what I was to$9$ do$1$, pending my 01:0168;01[A ]| departure. It brought me a semblance of pardon and a brief moment of factitious 01:0168;01[A ]| freedom. I therefore adopted it. 01:0168;01[A ]| From a distance the kitchen had seemed to$9$ be$1$ in darkness. And in a sense 01:0168;01[A ]| it was. But in another sense it was not. For gluing my eyes to$4$ the window-pane I 01:0168;01[A ]| discerned a faint reddish glow which could not have$1$ come from the oven, for I 01:0168;01[A ]| had no oven, but a simple gas-stove. a oven if you like, but a gas-oven. That is 01:0168;01[A ]| to$9$ say$1$ there was a real oven too in the kitchen, but out of service. I am sorry, but 01:0168;01[A ]| there it is, in a house without a gas-oven I would not have$1$ felt easy. In the night, 01:0168;01[A ]| interrupting my prowl, I like to$9$ go up to$4$ a window, lit or unlit, and look into the 01:0168;01[A ]| room, to$9$ see what is going on. I cover my face with my hands and peer through 01:0168;01[A ]| my fingers. I have terrified more than one neighbour in 01:0169;01[A ]| this way. He rushes outside, finds no one. For me then from their darkness the 01:0169;01[A ]| darkest rooms emerge, as if still instant with the vanished day or with the light 01:0169;01[A ]| turned out a moment before, for reasons perhaps of which less said the better. But 01:0169;01[A ]| the gloaming in the kitchen was of another kind and came from the night-light 01:0169;01[A ]| with the red chimney which, in Martha's room, adjoining the kitchen, burned 01:0169;01[A ]| eternally at the feet of a little Virgin carved in wood, hanging on the wall. Weary 01:0169;01[A ]| of rocking herself she had gone in and lain down on her$2$ bed, leaving the door of 01:0169;01[A ]| her$2$ room open so as to$9$ miss none of the sounds in the house. But perhaps she 01:0169;01[A ]| had gone to$4$ sleep. 01:0169;00@@@@@| 01:0169;01[A ]| I went upstairs again. I stopped at my son's door. I stooped and applied my 01:0169;01[A ]| ear to$4$ the keyhole. Some apply the eye, I the ear, to$4$ keyholes. I heard nothing, to$4$ 01:0169;01[A ]| my great surprise. For my son slept noisily, with open mouth. I took good care 01:0169;01[A ]| not to$9$ open the door. For this silence was of a nature to$9$ occupy my mind, for 01:0169;01[A ]| some little time. I went to$4$ my room. 01:0169;01[A ]| It was then the unheard of sight was to$9$ be$1$ seen of Moran making ready to$9$ 01:0169;01[A ]| go without knowing where he was going, having consulted neither map nor 01:0169;01[A ]| time-table, considered neither itinerary nor halts, heedless of the weather 01:0169;01[A ]| outlook, with only the vaguest notion of the outfit he would need, the time the 01:0169;01[A ]| expedition was likely to$9$ take, the money he would require and even the very 01:0169;01[A ]| nature of the work to$9$ be$1$ done and consequently the means to$9$ be$1$ employed. And 01:0169;01[A ]| yet there I was whistling away while I stuffed into my haversack a minimum of 01:0169;01[A ]| effects, similar to$4$ those I had recommended to$4$ my son. I put on my old pepper-and-salt 01:0169;01[A ]| shooting-suit with the knee-breeches, stockings to$9$ match and a pair of 01:0169;01[A ]| stout black 01:0170;01[A ]| boots. I bent down, my hands on my buttocks, and looked at my legs. Knock-kneed 01:0170;01[A ]| and skeleton thin they made a poor show in this accoutrement, unknown 01:0170;01[A ]| locally I may add. But when I left at night, for a distant place, I wore it with 01:0170;01[A ]| pleasure, for the sake of comfort, though I looked a sight. All I needed was a 01:0170;01[A ]| butterfly-net to$9$ have$1$ vaguely the air of a country schoolmaster on convalescent 01:0170;01[A ]| leave. The heavy glittering black boots, which seemed to$9$ implore a pair of navy-blue 01:0170;01[A ]| serge trousers, gave the finishing blow to$4$ this get-up which otherwise might 01:0170;01[A ]| have$1$ appeared, to$4$ the uninformed, a example of well-bred bad taste. On my 01:0170;01[A ]| head, after mature hesitation, I decided to$9$ wear my straw boater, yellowed by the 01:0170;01[A ]| rain. It had lost its band, which gave it a appearance of inordinate height. I was 01:0170;01[A ]| tempted to$9$ take my black cloak, but finally rejected it in favour of a heavy 01:0170;01[A ]| massive-handled winter umbrella. The cloak is a serviceable garment and I had 01:0170;01[A ]| more than one. It leaves great freedom of movement to$4$ the arms and at the same 01:0170;01[A ]| time conceals them. And there are times when a cloak is so to$9$ speak 01:0170;01[A ]| indispensable. But the umbrella too has great merits. And if it had been winter, or 01:0170;01[A ]| even autumn, instead of summer, I might have$1$ taken both. I had already done 01:0170;01[A ]| so, with most gratifying results. 01:0170;01[A ]| Dressed thus I could hardly hope to$9$ pass unseen. I did not wish to$9$. 01:0170;01[A ]| Conspicuousness is the A B C of my profession. To$9$ call forth feelings of pity and 01:0170;01[A ]| indulgence, to$9$ be$1$ the butt of jeers and hilarity, is indispensable. So many vent-holes 01:0170;01[A ]| in the cask of secrets. On condition you can not feel, nor denigrate, nor 01:0170;01[A ]| laugh. This state was mine at will. And then there was night. 01:0170;01[A ]| My son could only embarrass me. He was like a 01:0171;01[A ]| thousand other boys of his age and condition. There is something about a father 01:0171;01[A ]| that discourages derision. Even grotesque he commands a certain respect. And 01:0171;01[A ]| when he is seen out with his young hopeful, whose face grows longer and longer 01:0171;01[A ]| and longer with every step, then no further work is possible. He is taken for a 01:0171;01[A ]| widower, the gaudiest colours are of no avail, rather make things worse, he finds 01:0171;01[A ]| himself saddled with a wife long since deceased, in child-bed as likely as not. And 01:0171;01[A ]| my antics would be$1$ viewed as the harmless effect of my widowhood, presumed to$9$ 01:0171;01[A ]| have$1$ unhinged my mind. I boiled with anger at the thought of him who had 01:0171;01[A ]| shackled me thus. If he had desired my failure he could not have$1$ devised a better 01:0171;01[A ]| means to$4$ it. If I could have$1$ reflected with my usual calm on the work I was 01:0171;01[A ]| required to$9$ do$1$, it would perhaps have$1$ seemed of a nature more likely to$9$ benefit 01:0171;01[A ]| than to$9$ suffer by the presence of my son. But let us not go back on that. Perhaps I 01:0171;01[A ]| could pass him off as my assistant, or a mere nephew. I would forbid him to$9$ call 01:0171;01[A ]| me papa, or show me any sign of affection, in public, if he did not want to$9$ get one 01:0171;01[A ]| of those clouts he so dreaded. 01:0171;01[A ]| And if I whistled fitfully while revolving these lugubrious thoughts, I 01:0171;01[A ]| suppose it was because I was happy at heart to$9$ leave my house, my garden, my 01:0171;01[A ]| village, I who usually left them with regret. Some people whistle for no reason at 01:0171;01[A ]| all. Not I. And while I came and went in my room, tidying up, putting back my 01:0171;01[A ]| clothes in the wardrobe and my hats in the boxes from which I had taken them 01:0171;01[A ]| the better to$9$ make my choice, locking the various drawers, while thus employed I 01:0171;01[A ]| had the joyful vision of myself far from home, from the familiar faces, from all 01:0171;01[A ]| my sheet-anchors, sitting on a milestone 01:0172;01[A ]| in the dark, my legs crossed, one hand on my thigh, my elbow in that hand, my 01:0172;01[A ]| chin cupped in the other, my eyes fixed on the earth as on a chessboard, coldly 01:0172;01[A ]| hatching my plans, for the next day, for the day after, creating time to$9$ come. And 01:0172;01[A ]| then I forgot that my son would be$1$ at my side, restless, plaintive, whinging for 01:0172;01[A ]| food, whinging for sleep, dirtying his drawers. I opened the drawer of my night-table 01:0172;01[A ]| and took out a full tube of morphine tablets, my favourite sedative. 01:0172;01[A ]| I have a huge bunch of keys, it weighs over a pound. Not a door, not a 01:0172;01[A ]| drawer in my house but the key to$4$ it goes with me, wherever I go. I carry them in 01:0172;01[A ]| the right-hand pocket of my trousers, of my breeches in this case. A massive 01:0172;01[A ]| chain, attached to$4$ my braces, prevents me from losing them. This chain, four or 01:0172;01[A ]| five times longer than necessary, lies, coiled, on the bunch, in my pocket. Its 01:0172;01[A ]| weight gives me a list to$4$ the right, when I am tired, or when I forget to$9$ counteract 01:0172;01[A ]| it, by a muscular effort. 01:0172;01[A ]| I looked round for the last time, saw that I had neglected certain 01:0172;01[A ]| precautions, rectified this, took up my haversack, I nearly wrote my bagpipes, my 01:0172;01[A ]| boater, my umbrella, I hope I am not forgetting anything, switched off the light, 01:0172;01[A ]| went out into the passage and locked my door. That at least is clear. Immediately I 01:0172;01[A ]| heard a strangling noise. It was my son, sleeping. I woke him. We have not a 01:0172;01[A ]| moment to$9$ lose, I said. Desperately he clung to$4$ his sleep. That was natural. A few 01:0172;01[A ]| hours sleep however deep are not enough for a organism in the first stages of 01:0172;01[A ]| puberty suffering from stomach trouble. And when I began to$9$ shake him and 01:0172;01[A ]| help him out of bed, pulling him first by the arms, then by the hair, he turned 01:0172;01[A ]| away from me in fury, to$4$ the wall, and dug his 01:0173;01[A ]| nails into the mattress. I had to$9$ muster all my strength to$9$ overcome his 01:0173;01[A ]| resistance. But I had hardly freed him from the bed when he broke from my hold, 01:0173;01[A ]| threw himself down on the floor and rolled about, screaming with anger and 01:0173;01[A ]| defiance. The fun was beginning already. This disgusting exhibition left me no 01:0173;01[A ]| choice but to$9$ use my umbrella, holding it by the end with both hands. But a word 01:0173;01[A ]| on the subject of my boater, before I forget. Two holes were bored in the brim, one 01:0173;01[A ]| on either side of course, I had bored them myself, with my little gimlet. And in 01:0173;01[A ]| these holes I had secured the ends of a elastic long enough to$9$ pass under my 01:0173;01[A ]| chin, under my jaws rather, but not too long, for it had to$9$ hold fast, under my 01:0173;01[A ]| jaws rather. In this way, however great my exertions, my boater stayed in its place, 01:0173;01[A ]| which was on my head. Shame on you, I cried, you ill-bred little pig ! I would get 01:0173;01[A ]| angry if I were not careful. And anger is a luxury I can not afford. For then I go 01:0173;01[A ]| blind, blood veils my eyes and I hear what the great Gustave heard, the benches 01:0173;01[A ]| creaking in the court of assizes. Oh it is not without scathe that one is gentle, 01:0173;01[A ]| courteous, reasonable, patient, day after day, year after year. I threw down my 01:0173;01[A ]| umbrella and ran from the room. On the stairs I met Martha coming up, capless, 01:0173;01[A ]| dishevelled, her$2$ clothes in disorder. What is going on? she cried. I looked at her$6$. 01:0173;01[A ]| She went back to$4$ her$2$ kitchen. Trembling I hastened to$4$ the shed, seized my axe, 01:0173;01[A ]| went into the yard and began hacking madly at a old chopping-block that lay 01:0173;01[A ]| there and on which in winter, tranquilly, I split my logs. Finally the blade sank 01:0173;01[A ]| into it so deeply that I could not get it out. The efforts I made to$9$ do$1$ so brought 01:0173;01[A ]| me, with exhaustion, calm. I went upstairs again. My 01:0174;01[A ]| son was dressing. He was crying. Everybody was crying. I helped him put on his 01:0174;01[A ]| knapsack. I told him not to$9$ forget his raincoat. He began to$9$ put it in his knapsack. 01:0174;01[A ]| I told him to$9$ carry it over his arm, for the moment. It was nearly midnight. I 01:0174;01[A ]| picked up my umbrella. Intact. Get on, I said. He went out of the room which I 01:0174;01[A ]| paused for a moment to$9$ survey, before I followed him. It was a shambles. The 01:0174;01[A ]| night was fine, in my humble opinion. Scents filled the air. The gravel crunched 01:0174;01[A ]| under our feet. No, I said, this way. I entered the little wood. My son floundered 01:0174;01[A ]| behind me, bumping into the trees. He did not know how to$9$ find his way in the 01:0174;01[A ]| dark. He was still young, the words of reproach died on my lips. I stopped. Take 01:0174;01[A ]| my hand, I said. I might have$1$ said, Give me your hand. I said, Take my hand. 01:0174;01[A ]| Strange. But the path was too narrow for us to$9$ walk abreast. So I put my hand 01:0174;01[A ]| behind me and my son grasped it, gratefully I fancied. So we came to$4$ the little 01:0174;01[A ]| wicket-gate. It was locked. I unlocked it and stood aside, to$9$ let my son precede me. 01:0174;01[A ]| I turned back to$9$ look at my house. It was partly hidden by the little wood. The 01:0174;01[A ]| roof's serrated ridge, the single chimney-stack with its four flues, stood out faintly 01:0174;01[A ]| against the sky spattered with a few dim stars. 01:0174;00@@@@@| 01:0174;01[A ]| I offered my face to$4$ the black mass 01:0174;01[A ]| of fragrant vegetation that was mine and with which I could do$1$ as I pleased and 01:0174;01[A ]| never be$1$ gainsaid. It was full of songbirds, their heads under their wings, fearing 01:0174;01[A ]| nothing, for they knew me. My trees, my bushes, my flower-beds, my tiny lawns, I 01:0174;01[A ]| used to$9$ think I loved them. If I sometimes cut a branch, a flower, it was solely for 01:0174;01[A ]| their good, that they might increase in strength and happiness. And I never did it 01:0175;01[A ]| without a pang. Indeed if the truth were known, I did not do$1$ it at all, I got 01:0175;01[A ]| Christy to$9$ do$1$ it. I grew no vegetables. Not far off was the hen-house. When I said I 01:0175;01[A ]| had turkeys, and so on, I lied. All I had was a few hens. My grey hen was there, 01:0175;01[A ]| not on the perch with the others, but on the ground, in a corner, in the dust, at 01:0175;01[A ]| the mercy of the rats. The cock no longer sought her$6$ out to$9$ tread her$6$ angrily. The 01:0175;01[A ]| day was at hand, if she did not take a turn for the better, when the other hens 01:0175;01[A ]| would join forces and tear her$6$ to$4$ pieces, with their beaks and claws. All was 01:0175;01[A ]| silent. I have a extremely sensitive ear. Yet I have no ear for music. I could just 01:0175;01[A ]| hear that adorable murmur of tiny feet, of quivering feathers and feeble, 01:0175;01[A ]| smothered clucking that hen-houses make at night and that dies down long 01:0175;01[A ]| before dawn. How often I had listened to$4$ it, entranced, in the evening, saying, 01:0175;01[A ]| Tomorrow I am free. And so I turned again a last time towards my little all, 01:0175;01[A ]| before I left it, in the hope of keeping it. 01:0175;01[A ]| In the lane, having locked the wicket-gate, I said to$4$ my son, Left. I had 01:0175;01[A ]| long since given up going for walks with my son, though I sometimes longed to$9$ 01:0175;01[A ]| do$1$ so. The least outing with him was torture, he lost his way so easily. Yet when 01:0175;01[A ]| alone he seemed to$9$ know all the short cuts. When I sent him to$4$ the grocer's, or to$4$ 01:0175;01[A ]| Mrs Clement's, or even further afield, on the road to$4$ V for grain, he was back in 01:0175;01[A ]| half the time I would have$1$ taken for the journey myself, and without having 01:0175;01[A ]| run. For I did not want my son to$9$ be$1$ seen capering in the streets like the little 01:0175;01[A ]| hooligans he frequented on the sly. No, I wanted him to$9$ walk like his father, with 01:0175;01[A ]| little rapid steps, his head up, his breathing even and economical, his arms 01:0176;01[A ]| swinging, looking neither to$4$ left nor right, apparently oblivious to$4$ everything 01:0176;01[A ]| and in reality missing nothing. But with me he invariably took the wrong turn, a 01:0176;01[A ]| crossing or a simple corner was all he needed to$9$ stray from the right road, it of my 01:0176;01[A ]| election. I do not think he did this on purpose. But leaving everything to$4$ me he 01:0176;01[A ]| did not heed what he was doing, or look where he was going, and went on 01:0176;01[A ]| mechanically plunged in a kind of dream. It was as though he let himself be$1$ 01:0176;01[A ]| sucked in out of sight by every opening that offered. So that we had got into the 01:0176;01[A ]| habit of taking our walks separately. And the only walk we regularly took 01:0176;01[A ]| together was that which led us, every Sunday, from home to$4$ church and, mass 01:0176;01[A ]| over, from church to$4$ home. Caught up then in the slow tide of the faithful my 01:0176;01[A ]| son was not alone with me. But he was part of that docile herd going yet again to$9$ 01:0176;01[A ]| thank God for his goodness and to$9$ implore his mercy and forgiveness, and then 01:0176;01[A ]| returning, their souls made easy, to$4$ other gratifications. 01:0176;01[A ]| I waited for him to$9$ come back, then spoke the words calculated to$9$ settle 01:0176;01[A ]| this matter once and for all. Get behind me, I said, and keep behind me. This 01:0176;01[A ]| solution had its points, from several points of view. But was he capable of 01:0176;01[A ]| keeping behind me? Would not the time be$1$ bound to$9$ come when he would raise 01:0176;01[A ]| his head and find himself alone, in a strange place, and when I, waking from my 01:0176;01[A ]| reverie, would turn and find him gone? I toyed briefly with the idea of attaching 01:0176;01[A ]| him to$4$ me by means of a long rope, its two ends tied about our waists. There are 01:0176;01[A ]| various ways of attracting attention and I was not sure that this was one of the 01:0176;01[A ]| good ones. And he might have$1$ undone his knots in silence and escaped, 01:0177;01[A ]| leaving me to$9$ go on my way alone, followed by a long rope trailing in the dust, 01:0177;01[A ]| like a burgess of Calais. Until such time as the rope, catching on some fixed or 01:0177;01[A ]| heavy object, should stop me dead in my stride. We should have$1$ needed, not the 01:0177;01[A ]| soft and silent rope, but a chain, which was not to$9$ be$1$ dreamt of. And yet I did 01:0177;01[A ]| dream of it, for a instant I amused myself dreaming of it, imagining myself in a 01:0177;01[A ]| world less ill contrived and wondering how, having nothing more than a simple 01:0177;01[A ]| chain, without collar or band or gyves or fetters of any kind, I could chain my son 01:0177;01[A ]| to$4$ me in such a way as to$9$ prevent him from ever shaking me off again. It was a 01:0177;01[A ]| simple problem of toils and knots and I could have$1$ solved it at a pinch. But 01:0177;01[A ]| already I was called elsewhere by the image of my son no longer behind me, but 01:0177;01[A ]| before me. Thus in the rear I could keep my eye on him and intervene, at the 01:0177;01[A ]| least false movement he might make. But apart from having other parts to$9$ play, 01:0177;01[A ]| during this expedition, than those of keeper and sick-nurse, the prospect was 01:0177;01[A ]| more than I could bear of being unable to$9$ move a step without having before my 01:0177;01[A ]| eyes my son's little sullen plump body. Come here ! I cried. For on hearing me 01:0177;01[A ]| say we were to$9$ go to$4$ the left he had gone to$4$ the left, as if his dearest wish was to$9$ 01:0177;01[A ]| infuriate me. Slumped over my umbrella, my head sunk as beneath a 01:0177;01[A ]| malediction, the fingers of my free hand between two slats of the wicket, I no 01:0177;01[A ]| more stirred than if I had been of stone. So he came back a second time. I tell you 01:0177;01[A ]| to$9$ keep behind me and you go before me, I said. 01:0177;01[A ]| It was the summer holidays. His school cap was green with initials and a 01:0177;01[A ]| boar's head, or a deer's, in gold braid on the front. It lay plumb on his big blond 01:0177;01[A ]| skull 01:0178;01[A ]| as precise as a lid on a pot. There is something about this strict sit of hats and 01:0178;01[A ]| caps that never fails to$9$ exasperate me. As for his raincoat, instead of carrying it 01:0178;01[A ]| folded over his arm, or flung across his shoulder, as I had told him, he had rolled 01:0178;01[A ]| it in a ball and was holding it with both hands, on his belly. There he was before 01:0178;01[A ]| me, his big feet splayed, his knees sagging, his stomach sticking out, his chest 01:0178;01[A ]| sunk, his chin in the air, his mouth open, in the attitude of a veritable half-wit. I 01:0178;01[A ]| myself must have$1$ looked as if only the support of my umbrella and the wicket 01:0178;01[A ]| were keeping me from falling. I managed finally to$9$ articulate, Are you capable of 01:0178;01[A ]| following me? He did not answer. But I seized his thoughts as clearly as if he had 01:0178;01[A ]| spoken them, namely, And you, are you capable of leading me? Midnight struck, 01:0178;01[A ]| from the steeple of my beloved church. It did not matter. I was gone from home. I 01:0178;01[A ]| sought in my mind, where all I need is to$9$ be$1$ found, what treasured possession he 01:0178;01[A ]| was likely to$9$ have$1$ about him. I hope, I said, you have not forgotten your scout-knife, 01:0178;01[A ]| we might need it. This knife comprised, apart from the five or six 01:0178;01[A ]| indispensable blades, a cork-screw, a tin-opener, a punch, a screw-driver, a claw, a 01:0178;01[A ]| gouge for removing stones from hooves and I know not what other futilities 01:0178;01[A ]| besides. I had given it to$4$ him myself, on the occasion of his first first prize for 01:0178;01[A ]| history and geography, subjects which, at the school he attended, were for obscure 01:0178;01[A ]| reasons regarded as inseparable. The veriest dunce when it came to$4$ literature and 01:0178;01[A ]| the so-called exact sciences, he had no equal for the dates of battles, revolutions, 01:0178;01[A ]| restorations and other exploits of the human race, in its slow ascension towards 01:0178;01[A ]| the light, and for the configuration of frontiers and the heights of mountain 01:0179;01[A ]| peaks. He deserved his scout-knife. Do not tell me you have left it behind, I said. 01:0179;01[A ]| Not likely, he said, with pride and satisfaction, tapping his pocket. Then give it to$4$ 01:0179;01[A ]| me, I said. Naturally he did not answer. Prompt obedience was contrary to$4$ his 01:0179;01[A ]| habits. Give me that knife! I cried. He gave it to$4$ me. What could he do$1$, alone 01:0179;01[A ]| with me in the night that tells no tales? It was for his own good, to$9$ save him 01:0179;01[A ]| from getting lost. For where a scout's knife is, there will his heart be$1$ also, unless 01:0179;01[A ]| he can afford to$9$ buy another, which was not the case with my son. For he never 01:0179;01[A ]| had any money in his pocket, not needing it. But every penny he received, and he 01:0179;01[A ]| did not receive many, he deposited first in his savings-box, then in the savings-bank, 01:0179;01[A ]| where they were entered in a book that remained in my possession. He 01:0179;01[A ]| would doubtless at that moment with pleasure have$1$ cut my throat, with that 01:0179;01[A ]| selfsame knife I was putting so placidly in my pocket. But he was still a little on 01:0179;01[A ]| the young side, my son, a little on the soft side, for the great deeds of vengeance. 01:0179;01[A ]| But time was on his side and he consoled himself perhaps with that thought, 01:0179;01[A ]| foolish though he was. Be that as it may, he kept back his tears, for which I was 01:0179;01[A ]| obliged to$4$ him. I straightened myself and laid my hand on his shoulder, saying, 01:0179;01[A ]| Patience, my child, patience. The awful thing in affairs of this kind is that when 01:0179;01[A ]| you have the will you do not have$1$ the way, and vice versa. But of that my 01:0179;01[A ]| unfortunate son could as yet have$1$ no suspicion, he must have$1$ thought that the 01:0179;01[A ]| rage which distorted his features and made him tremble would never leave him 01:0179;01[A ]| till the day he could vent it as it deserved. And not even then. Yes, he must have$1$ 01:0179;01[A ]| felt his soul the soul of a pocket Monte Cristo, with whose antics as adumbrated 01:0180;01[A ]| in the Schoolboys' Classics he was needless to$9$ say$1$ familiar. Then with a good 01:0180;01[A ]| clap on that impotent back I said, Off we go. And off indeed I did go, what is 01:0180;01[A ]| more, and my son drew out behind me. I had left, accompanied by my son, in 01:0180;01[A ]| accordance with instructions received. 01:0180;00@@@@@| 01:0180;01[A ]| I have no intention of relating the various adventures which befell us, 01:0180;01[A ]| me and my son, together and singly, before we came to$4$ the Molloy country. It 01:0180;01[A ]| would be$1$ tedious. But that is not what stops me. All is tedious, in this relation 01:0180;01[A ]| that is forced upon me. But I shall conduct it in my own way, up to$4$ a point. And 01:0180;01[A ]| if it has not the good fortune to$9$ give satisfaction, to$4$ my employer, if there are 01:0180;01[A ]| passages that give offence to$4$ him and to$4$ his colleagues, then so much the worse 01:0180;01[A ]| for us all, for them all, for there is no worse for me. That is to$9$ say$1$, I have not 01:0180;01[A ]| enough imagination to$9$ imagine it. And yet I have more than before. And if I 01:0180;01[A ]| submit to$4$ this paltry scrivening which is not of my province, it is for reasons very 01:0180;01[A ]| different from those that might be$1$ suppose d. I am still obeying orders, if you like, 01:0180;01[A ]| but no longer out of fear. No, I am still afraid, but simply from force of habit. And 01:0180;01[A ]| the voice I listen to$4$ needs no Gaber to$9$ make it heard. For it is within me and 01:0180;01[A ]| exhorts me to$9$ continue to$4$ the end the faithful servant I have always been, of a 01:0180;01[A ]| cause that is not mine, and patiently fulfil in all its bitterness my calamitous part, 01:0180;01[A ]| as it was my will, when I had a will, that others should. And this with hatred in 01:0180;01[A ]| my heart, and scorn, of my master and his designs. Yes, it is rather a ambiguous 01:0180;01[A ]| voice and not always easy to$9$ follow, in its reasonings and decrees. But I follow it 01:0180;01[A ]| none the less, more or less, I follow it in this sense, that I know what it 01:0181;01[A ]| means, and in this sense, that I do what it tells me. And I do not think there are 01:0181;01[A ]| many voices of which as much may be$1$ said. And I feel I shall follow it from this 01:0181;01[A ]| day forth, no matter what it commands. And when it ceases, leaving me in doubt 01:0181;01[A ]| and darkness, I shall wait for it to$9$ come back, and do nothing, even though the 01:0181;01[A ]| whole world, through the channel of its innumerable authorities speaking with 01:0181;01[A ]| one accord, should enjoin upon me this and that, under pain of unspeakable 01:0181;01[A ]| punishments. But this evening, this morning, I have drunk a little more than 01:0181;01[A ]| usual and tomorrow I may be$1$ of a different mind. It also tells me, this voice I am 01:0181;01[A ]| only just beginning to$9$ know, that the memory of this work brought scrupulously 01:0181;01[A ]| to$4$ a close will help me to$9$ endure the long anguish of vagrancy and freedom. Does 01:0181;01[A ]| this mean I shall one day be$1$ banished from my house, from my garden, lose my 01:0181;01[A ]| trees, my lawns, my birds of which the least is known to$4$ me and the way all its 01:0181;01[A ]| own it has of singing, of flying, of coming up to$4$ me or fleeing at my coming, lose 01:0181;01[A ]| and be$1$ banished from the absurd comforts of my home where all is snug and neat 01:0181;01[A ]| and all those things at hand without which I could not bear being a man, where 01:0181;01[A ]| my enemies can not reach me, which it was my life's work to$9$ build, to$9$ adorn, to$9$ 01:0181;01[A ]| perfect, to$9$ keep? I am too old to$9$ lose all this, and begin again, I am too old ! Quiet, 01:0181;01[A ]| Moran, quiet. No emotion, please. 01:0181;01[A ]| I was saying I would not relate all the vicissitudes of the journey from my 01:0181;01[A ]| country to$4$ Molloy's, for the simple reason that I do not intend to$9$. And in writing 01:0181;01[A ]| these lines I know in what danger I am of offending him whose favour I know I 01:0181;01[A ]| should court, now more than ever. But I write them all the same, and with a firm 01:0181;01[A ]| hand 01:0182;01[A ]| weaving inexorably back and forth and devouring my page with the 01:0182;01[A ]| indifference of a shuttle. But some I shall relate briefly, because that seems to$4$ me 01:0182;01[A ]| desirable, and in order to$9$ give some idea of the methods of my full maturity. But 01:0182;01[A ]| before coming to$4$ that I shall say$1$ what little I knew, on leaving my home, about 01:0182;01[A ]| the Molloy country, so different from my own. For it is one of the features of this 01:0182;01[A ]| penance that I may not pass over what is over and straightway come to$4$ the heart 01:0182;01[A ]| of the matter. But that must again be$1$ unknown to$4$ me which is no longer so and 01:0182;01[A ]| that again fondly believed which then I fondly believed, at my setting out. And if 01:0182;01[A ]| I occasionally break this rule, it is only over details of little importance. And in 01:0182;01[A ]| the main I observe it. And with such zeal that I am far more he who finds than 01:0182;01[A ]| he who tells what he has found, now as then, most of the time, I do not 01:0182;01[A ]| exaggerate. And in the silence of my room, and all over as far as I am concerned, I 01:0182;01[A ]| know scarcely any better where I am going and what awaits me than the night I 01:0182;01[A ]| clung to$4$ the wicket, beside my idiot of a son, in the lane. And it would not 01:0182;01[A ]| surprise me if I deviated, in the pages to$9$ follow, from the true and exact 01:0182;01[A ]| succession of events. But I do not think even Sisyphus is required to$9$ scratch 01:0182;01[A ]| himself, or to$9$ groan, or to$9$ rejoice, as the fashion is now, always at the same 01:0182;01[A ]| appointed places. And it may even be$1$ they are not too particular about the route 01:0182;01[A ]| he takes provided it gets him to$4$ his destination safely and on time. And perhaps 01:0182;01[A ]| he thinks each journey is the first. This would keep hope alive, would it not, 01:0182;01[A ]| hellish hope. Whereas to$9$ see yourself doing the same thing endlessly over and 01:0182;01[A ]| over again fills you with satisfaction. 01:0182;00@@@@@| 01:0182;01[A ]| By the Molloy country I mean that narrow region 01:0183;01[A ]| whose administrative limits he had never crossed and presumably never 01:0183;01[A ]| would, either because he was forbidden to$9$, or because he had no wish to$9$, or of 01:0183;01[A ]| course because of some extraordinary fortuitous conjunction of circumstances. 01:0183;01[A ]| This region was situated in the north, I mean in relation to$4$ mine, less bleak, and 01:0183;01[A ]| comprised a settlement, dignified by some with the name of market-town, by 01:0183;01[A ]| others regarded as no more than a village, and the surrounding country. This 01:0183;01[A ]| market-town, or village, was, I hasten to$9$ say$1$, called Bally, and represented, with 01:0183;01[A ]| its dependent lands, a surface area of five or six square miles at the most. In 01:0183;01[A ]| modern countries this is what I think is called a commune, or a canton, I forget, 01:0183;01[A ]| but there exists with us no abstract and generic term for such territorial 01:0183;01[A ]| subdivisions. And to$9$ express them we have another system, of singular beauty 01:0183;01[A ]| and simplicity, which consists in saying Bally (since we are talking of Bally) when 01:0183;01[A ]| you mean Bally and Ballyba when you mean Bally plus its domains and Ballybaba 01:0183;01[A ]| when you mean the domains exclusive of Bally itself. I myself for example lived, 01:0183;01[A ]| and come to$9$ think of it still live, in Turdy, hub of Turdyba. And in the evening, 01:0183;01[A ]| when I went for a stroll, in the country outside Turdy, to$9$ get a breath of fresh air, 01:0183;01[A ]| it was the fresh air of Turdybaba that I got, and no other. 01:0183;01[A ]| Ballybaba, in spite of its limited range, could boast of a certain diversity. 01:0183;01[A ]| Pastures so-called, a little bogland, a few copses and, as you neared its confines, 01:0183;01[A ]| undulating and almost smiling aspects, as if Ballybaba was glad to$9$ go no further. 01:0183;01[A ]| But the principal beauty of this region was a kind of strangled creek which 01:0183;01[A ]| the slow grey tides emptied and filled, emptied and filled. And the people came 01:0183;01[A ]| flocking 01:0184;01[A ]| from the town, unromantic people, to$9$ admire this spectacle. Some said, There is 01:0184;01[A ]| nothing more beautiful than these wet sands. Others, High tide is the best time to$9$ 01:0184;01[A ]| see the creek of Ballyba. How lovely then that leaden water, you would swear it 01:0184;01[A ]| was stagnant, if you did not know it was not. And yet others held it was like a 01:0184;01[A ]| underground lake. But all were agreed, like the inhabitants of Blackpool, that 01:0184;01[A ]| their town was on the sea. And they had Bally-on-Sea printed on their notepaper. 01:0184;01[A ]| The population of Ballyba was small. I confess this thought gave me great 01:0184;01[A ]| satisfaction. The land did not lend itself to$4$ cultivation. No sooner did a tilth, or a 01:0184;01[A ]| meadow, begin to$9$ be$1$ sizeable than it fell foul of a sacred grove or a stretch of 01:0184;01[A ]| marsh from which nothing could be$1$ obtained beyond a little inferior turf or 01:0184;01[A ]| scraps of bogoak used for making amulets, paper-knives, napkin-rings, rosaries 01:0184;01[A ]| and other knick-knacks. Martha's madonna, for example, came from Ballyba. The 01:0184;01[A ]| pastures, in spite of the torrential rains, were exceedingly meagre and strewn with 01:0184;01[A ]| boulders. Here only quitchweed grew in abundance, and a curious bitter blue 01:0184;01[A ]| grass fatal to$4$ cows and horses, though tolerated apparently by the ass, the goat and 01:0184;01[A ]| the black sheep. What then was the source of Ballyba's prosperity? I will tell you. 01:0184;01[A ]| No, I will tell you nothing. Nothing. 01:0184;01[A ]| That then is a part of what I thought I knew about Ballyba when I left 01:0184;01[A ]| home. I wonder if I was not confusing it with some other place. 01:0184;01[A ]| Some twenty paces from my wicket-gate the lane skirts the graveyard 01:0184;01[A ]| wall. The lane descends, the wall rises, higher and higher. Soon you are faring 01:0184;01[A ]| below the dead. It is there I have my plot in perpetuity. As 01:0185;01[A ]| long as the earth endures that spot is mine, in theory. Sometimes I went and 01:0185;01[A ]| looked at my grave. The stone was up already. It was a simple Latin cross, white. I 01:0185;01[A ]| wanted to$9$ have$1$ my name put on it, with the here lies and the date of my birth. 01:0185;01[A ]| Then all it would have$1$ wanted was the date of my death. They would not let me. 01:0185;01[A ]| Sometimes I smiled, as if I were dead already. 01:0185;01[A ]| We walked for several days, by sequestered ways. I did not want to$9$ be$1$ seen 01:0185;01[A ]| on the highways. 01:0185;01[A ]| The first day I found the butt of Father Ambrose's cigar. Not only had I 01:0185;01[A ]| not thrown it away, in the ashtray, in the waste-paper basket, but I had put it in 01:0185;01[A ]| my pocket, when changing my suit. That had happened unbeknown to$4$ me. I 01:0185;01[A ]| looked at it in astonishment, lit it, took a few puffs, threw it away. This was the 01:0185;01[A ]| outstanding event of the first day. 01:0185;01[A ]| I showed my son how to$9$ use his pocket-compass. This gave him great 01:0185;01[A ]| pleasure. He was behaving well, better than I had hoped. On the third day I gave 01:0185;01[A ]| him back his knife. 01:0185;01[A ]| The weather was kind. We easily managed our ten miles a day. We slept 01:0185;01[A ]| in the open. Safety first. 01:0185;01[A ]| I showed my son how to$9$ make a shelter out of branches. He was in the 01:0185;01[A ]| scouts, but knew nothing. Yes, he knew how to$9$ make a camp fire. At every halt 01:0185;01[A ]| he implored me to$9$ let him exercise this talent. I saw no point in doing so. 01:0185;01[A ]| We lived on tinned food which I sent him to$9$ get in the villages. He was 01:0185;01[A ]| that much use to$4$ me. We drank the water to$4$ the streams. 01:0185;01[A ]| All these precautions were assuredly useless. One day in a field I saw a 01:0185;01[A ]| farmer I knew. He was coming 01:0186;01[A ]| towards us. I turned immediately, took my son by the arm and led him away in 01:0186;01[A ]| the direction we were coming from. The farmer overtook us, as I had foreseen. 01:0186;01[A ]| Having greeted me, he asked where we were going. It must have$1$ been his field. I 01:0186;01[A ]| replied that we were going home. Fortunately we had not yet left it far behind. 01:0186;01[A ]| Then he asked me where we had been. Perhaps one of his cows had been stolen, 01:0186;01[A ]| or one of his pigs. Out walking, I said. I would give you a lift and welcome, he said, but 01:0186;01[A ]| I will not be$1$ leaving till night. Oh how very unfortunate, I said. If you care to$9$ wait, 01:0186;01[A ]| he said, you are very welcome. I declined with thanks. Fortunately it was not yet 01:0186;01[A ]| midday. There was nothing strange in not wanting to$9$ wait till night. Well, safe 01:0186;01[A ]| home, he said. We made a wide detour and turned our faces to$4$ the north again. 01:0186;01[A ]| These precautions were doubtless exaggerated. The right thing would 01:0186;01[A ]| have$1$ been to$9$ travel by night and hide during the day, at least in the early stages. 01:0186;01[A ]| But the weather was so fine I could not bring myself to$9$ do$1$ it. My pleasure was not 01:0186;01[A ]| my sole consideration, but it was a consideration! Such a thing had never 01:0186;01[A ]| happened to$4$ me before, in the course of my work. And our snail's pace ! I can not 01:0186;01[A ]| have$1$ been in a hurry to$9$ arrive. 01:0186;01[A ]| I gave fitful thought, while basking in the balm of the warm summer 01:0186;01[A ]| days, to$4$ Gaber's instructions. I could not reconstruct them to$4$ my entire 01:0186;01[A ]| satisfaction. In the night, under the boughs, screened from the charms of nature, 01:0186;01[A ]| I devoted myself to$4$ this problem. The sounds my son made during his sleep 01:0186;01[A ]| hindered me considerably. Sometimes I went out of the shelter and walked up 01:0186;01[A ]| and down, in the dark. Or I sat down with my back against a trunk, drew my feet 01:0186;01[A ]| up under me, took my legs in my 01:0187;01[A ]| arms and rested my chin on my knee. Even in this posture I could throw no 01:0187;01[A ]| light on the matter. What was I looking for exactly? It is hard to$9$ say$1$. I was looking 01:0187;01[A ]| for what was wanting to$9$ make Gaber's statement complete. I felt he must have$1$ 01:0187;01[A ]| told me what to$9$ do$1$ with Molloy once he was found. My particular duties never 01:0187;01[A ]| terminated with the running to$4$ earth. That would have$1$ been too easy. But I had 01:0187;01[A ]| always to$9$ deal with the client in one way or another, according to$4$ instructions. 01:0187;01[A ]| Such operations took on a multitude of forms, from the most vigorous to$4$ the 01:0187;01[A ]| most discreet. The Yerk affair, which took me nearly three months to$9$ conclude 01:0187;01[A ]| successfully, was over on the day I succeeded in possessing myself of his tiepin 01:0187;01[A ]| and destroying it. Establishing contact was the least important part of my work. I 01:0187;01[A ]| found Yerk on the third day. I was never required to$9$ prove I had succeeded, my 01:0187;01[A ]| word was enough. Youdi must have$1$ had some way of verifying. Sometimes I was 01:0187;01[A ]| asked for a report. 01:0187;01[A ]| On another occasion my mission consisted in bringing the person to$4$ a 01:0187;01[A ]| certain place at a certain time. A most delicate affair, for the person concerned was 01:0187;01[A ]| not a woman. I have never had to$9$ deal with a woman. I regret it. I do not think 01:0187;01[A ]| Youdi had much interest in them. That reminds me of the old joke about the 01:0187;01[A ]| female soul. Question, Have women a soul? Answer, Yes. Question, Why? 01:0187;01[A ]| Answer, In order that they may be$1$ damned. Very witty. Fortunately I had been 01:0187;01[A ]| allowed considerable licence as to$4$ the day. The hour was the important thing, not 01:0187;01[A ]| the date. He came to$4$ the appointed place and there I left him, on some pretext or 01:0187;01[A ]| other. He was a nice youth, rather sad and silent. I vaguely remember 01:0188;01[A ]| having invented some story about a woman. Wait, it is coming back. Yes, I told 01:0188;01[A ]| him she had been in love with him for six months and greatly desired to$9$ meet 01:0188;01[A ]| him in some secluded place. I even gave her$2$ name. Quite a well-known actress. 01:0188;01[A ]| Having brought him to$4$ the place appointed by her$6$, it was only natural I should 01:0188;01[A ]| withdraw, out of delicacy. I can see him still, looking after me. I fancy he would 01:0188;01[A ]| have$1$ liked me for a friend. I do not know what became of him. I lost interest in my 01:0188;01[A ]| patients, once I had finished with them. I may even truthfully say$1$ I never saw 01:0188;01[A ]| one of them again, subsequently, not a single one. No conclusions need be$1$ drawn 01:0188;01[A ]| from this. Oh the stories I could tell you, if I were easy. What a rabble in my head, 01:0188;01[A ]| what a gallery of moribunds. Murphy, Watt, Yerk, Mercier and all the others. I 01:0188;01[A ]| would never have$1$ believed that ~~ yes, I believe it willingly. Stories, stories. I have 01:0188;01[A ]| not been able to$9$ tell them. I shall not be$1$ able to$9$ tell this one. 01:0188;00@@@@@| 01:0188;01[A ]| I could not determine therefore how I was to$9$ deal with Molloy, once I had 01:0188;01[A ]| found him. The directions which Gaber must certainly have$1$ given me with 01:0188;01[A ]| reference to$4$ this had gone clean out of my head. That is what came of wasting the 01:0188;01[A ]| whole of that Sunday on stupidities. There was no good my saying, Let me see 01:0188;01[A ]| now, what is the usual thing? There were no usual things, in my instructions. 01:0188;01[A ]| Admittedly there was one particular operation that recurred from time to$4$ time, 01:0188;01[A ]| but not often enough to$9$ be, with any degree of probability, the one I was looking 01:0188;01[A ]| for. But even if it had always figured in my instructions, except on one single 01:0188;01[A ]| occasion, then that single occasion would have$1$ been enough to$9$ tie my hands, I 01:0188;01[A ]| was so scrupulous. 01:0189;01[A ]| I told myself I had better give it no more thought, that the first thing to$9$ do$1$ 01:0189;01[A ]| was to$9$ find Molloy, that then I would devise something, that there was no hurry, 01:0189;01[A ]| that the thing would come back to$4$ me when I least expected it and that if, having 01:0189;01[A ]| found Molloy, I still did not know what to$9$ do$1$ with him, I could always manage to$9$ 01:0189;01[A ]| get in touch with Gaber without Youdi's knowing. I had his address just as he 01:0189;01[A ]| had mine. I would send him a telegram, How deal with M? To$9$ give me a 01:0189;01[A ]| explicit reply, though in terms if necessary veiled, was not beyond his powers. But 01:0189;01[A ]| was there a telegraph in Ballyba? But I also told myself, being only human, that 01:0189;01[A ]| the longer I took to$9$ find Molloy the greater my chances of remembering what I 01:0189;01[A ]| was to$9$ do$1$ with him. And we would have$1$ peacably pursued our way on foot, but 01:0189;01[A ]| for the following incident. 01:0189;01[A ]| One night, having finally succeeded in falling asleep beside my son as 01:0189;01[A ]| usual, I woke with a start, feeling as if I had just been dealt a violent blow. It is all 01:0189;01[A ]| right, I am not going to$9$ tell you a dream properly so called. It was pitch dark in 01:0189;01[A ]| the shelter. I listened attentively without moving. I heard nothing save the 01:0189;01[A ]| snoring and gasping of my son. I was about to$9$ conclude as usual that it was just 01:0189;01[A ]| another bad dream when a fulgurating pain went through my knee. This then 01:0189;01[A ]| was the explanation of my sudden awakening. The sensation could indeed well 01:0189;01[A ]| be$1$ compared to$4$ that of a blow, such as I fancy a horse's hoof might give. I waited 01:0189;01[A ]| anxiously for it to$9$ recur, motionless and hardly breathing, and of course sweating. 01:0189;01[A ]| I acted in a word precisely as one does, if my information was correct, at such a 01:0189;01[A ]| juncture. And sure enough the pain did recur a few minutes later, but not so bad 01:0189;01[A ]| as the first time, as the second rather. Or 01:0190;01[A ]| did it only seem less bad to$4$ me because I was expecting it? Or because I was 01:0190;01[A ]| getting used to$4$ it already? I think not. For it recurred again, several times, and 01:0190;01[A ]| each time less bad than the time before, and finally subsided altogether so that I 01:0190;01[A ]| was able to$9$ get to$4$ sleep again more or less reassured. But before getting to$4$ sleep 01:0190;01[A ]| again I had time to$9$ remember that the pain in question was not altogether new to$4$ 01:0190;01[A ]| me. For I had felt it before, in my bathroom, when giving my son his enema. But 01:0190;01[A ]| then it had only attacked me once and never recurred, till now. And I went to$4$ 01:0190;01[A ]| sleep again wondering, by way of lullaby, whether it had been the same knee then 01:0190;01[A ]| as the one which had just excruciated me, or the other. And that is a thing I have 01:0190;01[A ]| never been able to$9$ determine. And my son too, when asked, was incapable of 01:0190;01[A ]| telling me which of my two knees I had rubbed in front of him, with iodex, the 01:0190;01[A ]| night we left. And I went to$4$ sleep again a little reassured, saying, It is a touch of 01:0190;01[A ]| neuralgia brought on by all the tramping and trudging and the chill damp nights, 01:0190;01[A ]| and promising myself to$9$ procure a packet of thermogene wool, with the pretty 01:0190;01[A ]| demon on the outside, at the first opportunity. Such is the rapidity of thought. 01:0190;01[A ]| But there was more to$9$ come. For waking again towards dawn, this time in 01:0190;01[A ]| consequence of a natural need, and with a mild erection, to$9$ make things more 01:0190;01[A ]| lifelike, I was unable to$9$ get up. That is to$9$ say$1$ I did get up finally to$9$ be$1$ sure, I 01:0190;01[A ]| simply had to$9$, but by dint of what exertions! Unable, unable, it is easy to$9$ talk about 01:0190;01[A ]| being unable, whereas in reality nothing is more difficult. Because of the will I 01:0190;01[A ]| suppose, which the least opposition seems to$9$ lash into a fury. And this explains 01:0190;01[A ]| no doubt how it was I despaired at first of ever bending my leg again and then, 01:0191;01[A ]| a little later, through sheer determination, did succeed in bending it, slightly. 01:0191;01[A ]| The anchylosis was not total ! I am still talking about my knee. But was it the 01:0191;01[A ]| same one that had waked me early in the night? I could not have$1$ sworn it was. It 01:0191;01[A ]| was not painful. It simply refused to$9$ bend. The pain, having warned me several 01:0191;01[A ]| times in vain, had no more to$9$ say$1$. That is how I saw it. It would have$1$ been 01:0191;01[A ]| impossible for me to$9$ kneel, for example, for no matter how you kneel you must 01:0191;01[A ]| always bend both knees, unless you adopt a attitude frankly grotesque and 01:0191;01[A ]| impossible to$9$ maintain for more than a few seconds, I mean with the bad leg 01:0191;01[A ]| stretched out before you, like a Caucasian dancer. I examined the bad knee in the 01:0191;01[A ]| light of my torch. It was neither red nor swollen. I fiddled with the knee-cap. It 01:0191;01[A ]| felt like a clitoris. All this time my son was puffing like a grampus. He had no 01:0191;01[A ]| suspicion of what life could do$1$ to$4$ you. I too was innocent. But I knew it. 01:0191;01[A ]| The sky was that horrible colour which heralds dawn. Things steal back 01:0191;01[A ]| into position for the day, take their stand, sham dead. I sat down cautiously, and I 01:0191;01[A ]| must say$1$ with a certain curiosity, on the ground. Anyone else would have$1$ tried to$9$ 01:0191;01[A ]| sit down as usual, off-handedly. Not I. New as this new cross was I at once found 01:0191;01[A ]| the most comfortable way of being crushed. But when you sit down on the 01:0191;01[A ]| ground you must sit down tailor-wise, or like a foetus, these are so to$9$ speak the 01:0191;01[A ]| only possible positions, for a beginner. So that I was not long in letting myself fall 01:0191;01[A ]| back flat on my back. And I was not long either in making the following addition 01:0191;01[A ]| to$4$ the sum of my knowledge, that when of the innumerable attitudes adopted 01:0191;01[A ]| unthinkingly by the normal man all 01:0192;01[A ]| are precluded but two or three, then these are enhanced. I would have$1$ sworn 01:0192;01[A ]| just the opposite, but for this experience. Yes, when you can neither stand nor sit 01:0192;01[A ]| with comfort, you take refuge in the horizontal, like a child in its mother's lap. 01:0192;01[A ]| You explore it as never before and find it possessed of unsuspected delights. In 01:0192;01[A ]| short it becomes infinite. And if in spite of all you come to$9$ tire of it in the end, 01:0192;01[A ]| you have only to$9$ stand up, or indeed sit up, for a few seconds. Such are the 01:0192;01[A ]| advantages of a local and painless paralysis. And it would not surprise me if the 01:0192;01[A ]| great classical paralyses were to$9$ offer analogous and perhaps even still more 01:0192;01[A ]| unspeakable satisfactions. To$9$ be$1$ literally incapable of motion at last, that must be$1$ 01:0192;01[A ]| something! My mind swoons when I think of it. And mute into the bargain! And 01:0192;01[A ]| perhaps as deaf as a post! And who knows as blind as a bat! And as likely as not 01:0192;01[A ]| your memory a blank! And just enough brain intact to$9$ allow you to$9$ exult! And to$9$ 01:0192;01[A ]| dread death like a regeneration. 01:0192;01[A ]| I considered the problem of what I should do$1$ if my leg did not get better or 01:0192;01[A ]| got worse. I watched, through the branches, the sky sinking. The sky sinks in the 01:0192;01[A ]| morning, this fact has been insufficiently observed. It stoops, as if to$9$ get a better 01:0192;01[A ]| look. Unless it is the earth that lifts itself up, to$9$ be$1$ approved, before it sets out. 01:0192;01[A ]| I shall not expound my reasoning. I could do$1$ so easily, so easily. Its 01:0192;01[A ]| conclusion made possible the composition of the following passage. 01:0192;01[A ]| Did you have$1$ a good night? I said, as soon as my son opened his eyes. I 01:0192;01[A ]| could have$1$ waked him, but no, I let him wake naturally. Finally he told me he 01:0192;01[A ]| did not feel well. My son's replies were often beside the point. 01:0193;01[A ]| Where are we, I said, and what is the nearest village? He named it. I knew it, I 01:0193;01[A ]| had been there, it was a small town, luck was on our side. I even had a few 01:0193;01[A ]| acquaintances, among its inhabitants. What day is it? I said. He specified the day 01:0193;01[A ]| without a moment's hesitation. And he had only just regained consciousness! I 01:0193;01[A ]| told you he had a genius for history and geography. It was from him I learned 01:0193;01[A ]| that Condom is on the Baise. Good, I said, off you go now to$4$ Hole, it will take you ~~ 01:0193;01[A ]| I worked it out ~~ at the most three hours. He stared at me in astonishment. There, 01:0193;01[A ]| I said, buy a bicycle to$9$ fit you, second-hand for preference. You can go up to$4$ five 01:0193;01[A ]| pounds. I gave him five pounds, in ten-shilling notes. It must have$1$ a very strong 01:0193;01[A ]| carrier, I said, if it is not very strong get it changed, for a very strong one. I was 01:0193;01[A ]| trying to$9$ be$1$ clear. I asked him if he was pleased. He did not look pleased. I 01:0193;01[A ]| repeated these instructions and asked him again if he was pleased. He looked if 01:0193;01[A ]| anything stupefied. A consequence perhaps of the great joy he felt. Perhaps he 01:0193;01[A ]| could not believe his ears. Do you understand if nothing else? I said. What a boon 01:0193;01[A ]| it is from time to$4$ time, a little real conversation. Tell me what you are to$9$ do$1$, I 01:0193;01[A ]| said. It was the only way of knowing if he understood. Go to$4$ Hole, he said, fifteen 01:0193;01[A ]| miles away. Fifteen miles ! I cried. Yes, he said. All right, I said, go on. And buy a 01:0193;01[A ]| bicycle, he said. I waited. Silence. A bicycle ! I cried. But there are millions of 01:0193;01[A ]| bicycles in Hole ! What kind of bicycle? 01:0193;00@@@@@| 01:0193;01[A ]| He reflected. Second-hand, he said, at a 01:0193;01[A ]| venture. And if you can not find one second-hand? I said. You told me second-hand, 01:0193;01[A ]| he said. I remained silent for some time. And if you can not find one second-hand, 01:0193;01[A ]| I said at last, 01:0194;01[A ]| what will you do$1$? You did not tell me, he said. What a restful change it is from 01:0194;01[A ]| time to$4$ time, a little dialogue. How much money did I give you? I said. He 01:0194;01[A ]| counted the notes. Four pounds ten, he said. Count them again, I said. He 01:0194;01[A ]| counted them again. Four pounds ten, he said. Give it to$4$ me, I said. He gave me 01:0194;01[A ]| the notes and I counted them. Four pounds ten. I gave you five, I said. He did not 01:0194;01[A ]| answer, he let the figures speak for themselves. Had he stolen ten shillings and 01:0194;01[A ]| hidden them on his person? Empty your pockets, I said. He began to$9$ empty them. 01:0194;01[A ]| It must not be$1$ forgotten that all this time I was lying down. He did not know I 01:0194;01[A ]| was ill. Besides I was not ill. I looked vaguely at the objects he was spreading out 01:0194;01[A ]| before me. He took them out of his pockets one by one, held them up delicately 01:0194;01[A ]| between finger and thumb, turned them this way and that before my eyes and 01:0194;01[A ]| laid them finally on the ground beside me. When a pocket was emptied he pulled 01:0194;01[A ]| out its lining and shook it. Then a little cloud of dust arose. I was very soon 01:0194;01[A ]| overcome by the absurdity of this verification. I told him to$9$ stop. Perhaps he was 01:0194;01[A ]| hiding the ten shillings up his sleeve, or in his mouth. I should have$1$ had to$9$ get 01:0194;01[A ]| up and search him myself, inch by inch. But then he would have$1$ seen I was ill. 01:0194;01[A ]| Not that I was exactly ill. And why did I not want him to$9$ know I was ill? I do not 01:0194;01[A ]| know. I could have$1$ counted the money I had left. But what use would that have$1$ 01:0194;01[A ]| been? Did I even know the amount I had brought with me? No. To$4$ me too I 01:0194;01[A ]| cheerfully applied the maieutic method. Did I know how much I had spent? No. 01:0194;01[A ]| Usually I kept the most rigorous accounts when away on business and was in a 01:0194;01[A ]| position to$9$ justify my expenditure down to$4$ the last penny 01:0195;01[A ]| This time no. For I was throwing my money away with as little concern as if I 01:0195;01[A ]| had been travelling for my pleasure. Let us suppose I am wrong, I said, and that I 01:0195;01[A ]| only gave you four pounds ten. He was calmly picking up the objects littered on 01:0195;01[A ]| the ground and putting them back in his pockets. How could he be$1$ made to$9$ 01:0195;01[A ]| understand? Stop that and listen, I said. I gave him the notes. Count them, I said. 01:0195;01[A ]| He counted them. How much? I said. Four pounds ten, he said. Ten what? I said. 01:0195;01[A ]| Ten shillings, he said. You have four pounds ten shillings? I said. Yes, he said. It 01:0195;01[A ]| was not true, I had given him five. You agree, I said. Yes, he said. And why do 01:0195;01[A ]| you think I have given you all that money? I said. His face brightened. To$9$ buy a 01:0195;01[A ]| bicycle, he said, without hesitation. Do you imagine a second-hand bicycle costs 01:0195;01[A ]| four pounds ten shillings? I said. I do not know, he said. I did not know either. But 01:0195;01[A ]| that was not the point. What did I tell you exactly? I said. We racked our brains 01:0195;01[A ]| together. Second-hand for preference, I said finally, that is what I told you. Ah, he 01:0195;01[A ]| said. I am not giving this duet in full. Just the main themes. I did not tell you 01:0195;01[A ]| second-hand, I said, I told you second-hand for preference. He had started picking 01:0195;01[A ]| up his things again. Will you stop that, I cried, and pay attention to$4$ what I am 01:0195;01[A ]| saying. He ostentatiously let fall a big ball of tangled string. The ten shillings were 01:0195;01[A ]| perhaps inside it. You see no difference between second-hand and second-hand 01:0195;01[A ]| for preference, I said, do you? I looked at my watch. It was ten o'clock. I was only 01:0195;01[A ]| making our ideas more confused. Stop trying to$9$ understand, I said, just listen to$4$ 01:0195;01[A ]| what I am going to$9$ say$1$, because I shall not say$1$ it twice. He came over to$4$ me and 01:0195;01[A ]| knelt down. You would have$1$ 01:0196;01[A ]| thought I was about to$9$ breathe my last. Do you know what a new bicycle is? I 01:0196;01[A ]| said. Yes papa, he said. Very well, I said, if you can not find a second-hand bicycle 01:0196;01[A ]| buy a new bicycle. I repeat. I repeated. I who had said I would not repeat. Now tell 01:0196;01[A ]| me what you arc to$9$ do$1$, I said. I added, Take your face away, your breath stinks. I 01:0196;01[A ]| almost added, You do not brush your teeth and you complain of having abscesses, 01:0196;01[A ]| but I stopped myself in time. It was not the moment to$9$ introduce another theme. 01:0196;01[A ]| I repeated, Tell me what you are to$9$ do$1$. He pondered. Go to$4$ Hole, he said, fifteen 01:0196;01[A ]| miles away ~~. Do not worry about the miles, I said. You are in Hole. What for? No, I 01:0196;01[A ]| can not. Finally he understood. Who is this bicycle for, I said, Goering? He had not 01:0196;01[A ]| yet grasped that the bicycle was for him. Admittedly he was nearly my size 01:0196;01[A ]| already. As for the carrier, I might just as well not have$1$ mentioned it. But in the 01:0196;01[A ]| end he had the whole thing off pat. So much so that he actually asked me what 01:0196;01[A ]| he was to$9$ do$1$ if he had not enough money. Come back here and ask me, I said. I 01:0196;01[A ]| had naturally foreseen, while reflecting on all these matters before my son woke, 01:0196;01[A ]| that he might have$1$ trouble with people asking him how he came by so much 01:0196;01[A ]| money and he so young. And I knew what he was to$9$ do$1$ in that event, namely go 01:0196;01[A ]| and see, or send for, the police-sergeant, give his name and say$1$ it was I, Jacques 01:0196;01[A ]| Moran, ostensibly at home in Turdy, who had sent him to$9$ buy a bicycle in Hole. 01:0196;01[A ]| Here obviously two distinct operations were involved, the first consisting in 01:0196;01[A ]| foreseeing the difficulty (before my son woke), the second in overcoming it (at the 01:0196;01[A ]| news that Hole was the nearest locality). But there was no question of my 01:0196;01[A ]| conveying instructions of such complexity. But do not worry, I 01:0197;01[A ]| said, you have enough and to$9$ spare to$9$ buy yourself a good bicycle. I added, And 01:0197;01[A ]| bring it back here as fast as you can. You had to$9$ allow for everything with my son. 01:0197;01[A ]| He could never have$1$ guessed what to$9$ do$1$ with the bicycle once he had it. He was 01:0197;01[A ]| capable of hanging about Hole, under God knows what conditions, waiting for 01:0197;01[A ]| further instructions. He asked me what was wrong. I must have$1$ winced. I am sick 01:0197;01[A ]| of the sight of you, I said, that is what is wrong. And I asked him what he was 01:0197;01[A ]| waiting for. I do not feel well, he said. When he asked me how I was I said 01:0197;01[A ]| nothing, and when no one asked him anything he announced he was not feeling 01:0197;01[A ]| well. Are you not pleased, I said, to$9$ have$1$ a nice brand-new bicycle, all your own? I 01:0197;01[A ]| was decidedly set on hearing him say he was pleased. But I regretted my phrase, it 01:0197;01[A ]| could only add to$4$ his confusion. But perhaps this family chat has lasted long 01:0197;01[A ]| enough. He left the shelter and when I judged he was at a safe distance I left it too, 01:0197;01[A ]| painfully. He had gone about twenty paces. Leaning nonchalantly against a tree-trunk, 01:0197;01[A ]| my good leg boldly folded across the other, I tried to$9$ look light-hearted. I 01:0197;01[A ]| hailed him. He turned. I waved my hand. He stared at me a instant, then turned 01:0197;01[A ]| away and went on. I shouted his name. He turned again. A lamp ! I cried. A good 01:0197;01[A ]| lamp ! He did not understand. How could he have$1$ understood, at twenty paces, 01:0197;01[A ]| he who could not understand at one. He came back towards me. I waved him 01:0197;01[A ]| away, crying, Go on! Go on! He stopped and stared at me, his head on one side 01:0197;01[A ]| like a parrot, utterly bewildered apparently. Foolishly I made to$9$ stoop, to$9$ pick up a 01:0197;01[A ]| stone or a piece of wood or a clod, anything in the way of a projectile, and nearly 01:0197;01[A ]| fell. I reached up above my head, 01:0198;01[A ]| broke off a live bough and hurled it violently in his direction. He spun round 01:0198;01[A ]| and took to$4$ his heels. Really there were times I could not understand my son. He 01:0198;01[A ]| must have$1$ known he was out of range, even of a good stone, and yet he took to$4$ 01:0198;01[A ]| his heels. Perhaps he was afraid I would run after him. And indeed, I think there 01:0198;01[A ]| is something terrifying about the way I run, with my head flung back, my teeth 01:0198;01[A ]| clenched, my elbows bent to$4$ the full and my knees nearly hitting me in the face. 01:0198;01[A ]| And I have often caught faster runners than myself thanks to$4$ this way of 01:0198;01[A ]| running. They stop and wait for me, rather than prolong such a horrible outburst 01:0198;01[A ]| at their heels. As for the lamp, we did not need a lamp. Later, when the bicycle 01:0198;01[A ]| had taken its place in my son's life, in the round of his duties and his innocent 01:0198;01[A ]| games, then a lamp would be$1$ indispensable, to$9$ light his way in the night. And no 01:0198;01[A ]| doubt it was in anticipation of those happy days that I had thought of the lamp 01:0198;01[A ]| and cried out to$4$ my son to$9$ buy a good one, that later on his comings and his 01:0198;01[A ]| goings should not be$1$ hemmed about with darkness and with dangers. And 01:0198;01[A ]| similarly I might have$1$ told him to$9$ be$1$ careful about the bell, to$9$ unscrew the little 01:0198;01[A ]| cap and examine it well inside, so as to$9$ make sure it was a good bell and in good 01:0198;01[A ]| working order, before concluding the transaction, and to$9$ ring it to$9$ hear the ring it 01:0198;01[A ]| made. But we would have$1$ time enough, later on, to$9$ see to$4$ all these things. And it 01:0198;01[A ]| would be$1$ my joy to$9$ help my son, when the time came, to$9$ fit his bicycle with the 01:0198;01[A ]| best lamps, both front and rear, and the best bell and the best brakes that money 01:0198;01[A ]| could buy. 01:0198;00@@@@@| 01:0198;01[A ]| The day seemed very long. I missed my son! I busied myself as best I 01:0198;01[A ]| could. I ate several times. I took advantage of being alone at last, with no other 01:0198;01[A ]| witness 01:0199;01[A ]| than God, to$9$ masturbate. My son must have$1$ had the same idea, he must have$1$ 01:0199;01[A ]| stopped on the way to$9$ masturbate. I hope he enjoyed it more than I did. I circled 01:0199;01[A ]| the shelter several times, thinking the exercise would benefit my knee. I moved 01:0199;01[A ]| at quite a good speed and without much pain, but I soon tired. After ten or eleven 01:0199;01[A ]| steps a great weariness seized hold of my leg, a heaviness rather, and I had to$9$ stop. 01:0199;01[A ]| It went away at once and I was able to$9$ go on. I took a little morphine. I asked 01:0199;01[A ]| myself certain questions. Why had I not told my son to$9$ bring me back something 01:0199;01[A ]| for my leg? Why had I hidden my condition from him? Was I secretly glad that 01:0199;01[A ]| this had happened to$4$ me, perhaps even to$4$ the point of not wanting to$9$ get well? I 01:0199;01[A ]| surrendered myself to$4$ the beauties of the scene, I gazed at the trees, the fields, the 01:0199;01[A ]| sky, the birds, and I listened attentively to$4$ the sounds, faint and clear, borne to$4$ me 01:0199;01[A ]| on the air. For a instant I fancied I heard the silence mentioned, if I am not 01:0199;01[A ]| mistaken, above. Stretched out in the shelter, I brooded on the undertaking in 01:0199;01[A ]| which I was embarked. I tried again to$9$ remember what I was to$9$ do$1$ with Molloy, 01:0199;01[A ]| when I found him. I dragged myself down to$4$ the stream. I lay down and looked at 01:0199;01[A ]| my reflection, then I washed my face and hands. I waited for my image to$9$ come 01:0199;01[A ]| back, I watched it as it trembled towards a ever increasing likeness. Now and 01:0199;01[A ]| then a drop, falling from my face, shattered it again. I did not see a soul all day. 01:0199;01[A ]| But towards evening I heard a prowling about the shelter. I did not move, and 01:0199;01[A ]| the footsteps died away. But a little later, having left the shelter for some reason 01:0199;01[A ]| or other, I saw a man a few paces off, standing motionless. He had his back to$4$ me. 01:0199;01[A ]| He wore a coat much too heavy for the time of the year and was leaning 01:0200;01[A ]| on a stick so massive, and so much thicker at the bottom than at the top, that it 01:0200;01[A ]| seemed more like a club. He turned and we looked at each other for some time in 01:0200;01[A ]| silence. That is to$9$ say$1$ I looked him full in the face, as I always do, to$9$ make people 01:0200;01[A ]| think I am not afraid, whereas he merely threw me a rapid glance from time to$4$ 01:0200;01[A ]| time, then lowered his eyes, less from timidity apparently than in order quietly to$9$ 01:0200;01[A ]| think over what he had just seen, before adding to$4$ it. There was a coldness in his 01:0200;01[A ]| stare, and a thrust, the like of which I never saw. His face was pale and noble, I 01:0200;01[A ]| could have$1$ done with it. I was thinking he could not be$1$ much over fifty-five 01:0200;01[A ]| when he took off his hat, held it for a moment in his hand, then put it back on 01:0200;01[A ]| his head. No resemblance to$4$ what is called raising one's hat. But I thought it 01:0200;01[A ]| advisable to$9$ nod. The hat was quite extraordinary, in shape and colour. I shall not 01:0200;01[A ]| attempt to$9$ describe it, it was like none I had ever seen. He had a huge shock of 01:0200;01[A ]| dirty snow-white hair. I had time, before he squeezed it in back under his hat, to$9$ 01:0200;01[A ]| see the way it swelled up on his skull. His face was dirty and hairy, yes, pale, 01:0200;01[A ]| noble, dirty and hairy. He made a curious movement, like a hen that puffs up its 01:0200;01[A ]| feathers and slowly dwindles till it is smaller than before I thought he was going 01:0200;01[A ]| to$9$ depart without a word to$4$ me. But suddenly he asked me to$9$ give him a piece of 01:0200;01[A ]| bread. He accompanied this humiliating request with a fiery look. His accent was 01:0200;01[A ]| that of a foreigner or of one who had lost the habit of speech. But had I not said 01:0200;01[A ]| already, with relief, at the mere sight of his back, He is a foreigner. Would you like 01:0200;01[A ]| a tin of sardines? I said. He asked for bread and I offered him fish. That is me all 01:0200;01[A ]| over. Bread, he said. I went into the shelter and took the piece of 01:0201;01[A ]| bread I was keeping for my son, who would probably be$1$ hungry when he came 01:0201;01[A ]| back. I gave it to$4$ him. I expected him to$9$ devour it there and then. But he broke it 01:0201;01[A ]| in two and put the pieces in his coat-pockets. Do you mind if I look at your stick? I 01:0201;01[A ]| said. I stretched out my hand. He did not move. I put my hand on the stick, just 01:0201;01[A ]| under his. I could feel his fingers gradually letting go. Now it was I who held the 01:0201;01[A ]| stick. Its lightness astounded me. I put it back in his hand. He threw me a last 01:0201;01[A ]| look and went. It was almost dark. He walked with swift uncertain step, often 01:0201;01[A ]| changing his course, dragging the stick like a hindrance. I wished I could have$1$ 01:0201;01[A ]| stood there looking after him, and time at a standstill. I wished I could have$1$ been 01:0201;01[A ]| in the middle of a desert, under the midday sun, to$9$ look after him till he was only 01:0201;01[A ]| a dot, on the edge of the horizon. I stayed out in the air for a long time. Every 01:0201;01[A ]| now and then I listened. But my son did not come. Beginning to$9$ feel cold I went 01:0201;01[A ]| back into the shelter and lay down, under my son's raincoat. But beginning to$9$ feel 01:0201;01[A ]| sleepy I went out again and lit a big wood-fire, to$9$ guide my son towards me. 01:0201;01[A ]| When the fire had kindled I said, Why of course, now I can warm myself! I 01:0201;01[A ]| warmed myself, rubbing my hands together after having held them to$4$ the flame 01:0201;01[A ]| and before holding them to$4$ it again, and turning my back to$4$ the flame and lifting 01:0201;01[A ]| the tail of my coat, and turning as on a spit. And in the end, overcome with heat 01:0201;01[A ]| and weariness, I lay down on the ground near the fire and fell asleep, saying, 01:0201;01[A ]| Perhaps a spark will set fire to$4$ my clothes and I wake a living torch. And saying 01:0201;01[A ]| many other things besides, belonging to$9$ separate and apparently unconnected 01:0201;01[A ]| trains of thought. But when I woke it 01:0202;01[A ]| was day again and the fire was out. But the embers were still warm. My leg was 01:0202;01[A ]| no better, but it was no worse either. That is to$9$ say$1$ it was perhaps a little worse, 01:0202;01[A ]| without my being in a condition to$9$ realize it, for the simple reason that this leg 01:0202;01[A ]| was becoming a habit, mercifully. But I think not. For at the same time as I 01:0202;01[A ]| listened to$4$ my knee, and then submitted it to$4$ various tests, I was on my guard 01:0202;01[A ]| against the effects of this habit and tried to$9$ discount them. And it was not so 01:0202;01[A ]| much Moran as another, in the secret of Moran's sensations exclusively, who 01:0202;01[A ]| said, No change, Moran, no change. This may seem impossible. I went into the 01:0202;01[A ]| copse to$9$ cut myself a stick. But having finally found a suitable branch, I 01:0202;01[A ]| remembered I had no knife. I went back to$4$ the shelter, hoping to$9$ find my son's 01:0202;01[A ]| knife among the things he had laid on the ground and neglected to$9$ pick up. It was 01:0202;01[A ]| not among them. To$9$ make up for this I came across my umbrella and said, Why 01:0202;01[A ]| cut myself a stick when I have my umbrella? And I practised walking with the 01:0202;01[A ]| help of my umbrella. And though in this way I moved no faster and no less 01:0202;01[A ]| painfully, at least I did not tire so quickly. And instead of having to$9$ stop every ten 01:0202;01[A ]| steps, to$9$ rest, I easily managed fifteen, before having to$9$ stop. And even while I 01:0202;01[A ]| rested my umbrella was a help. For I found that when I leaned upon it the 01:0202;01[A ]| heaviness in my leg, due probably to$4$ a defect in the bloodstream, disappeared 01:0202;01[A ]| even more quickly than when I stood supported only by my muscles and the tree 01:0202;01[A ]| of life. And thus equipped I no longer confined myself to$4$ circling about the 01:0202;01[A ]| shelter, as I had done the previous day, but I radiated from it in every direction. 01:0202;01[A ]| And I even gained a little knoll from which I had a better view of the expanse 01:0202;01[A ]| where 01:0203;01[A ]| my son might suddenly rise into view, at any moment. And in my mind's eye 01:0203;01[A ]| from time to$4$ time I saw him, bent over the handlebars or standing on the pedals, 01:0203;01[A ]| drawing near, and I heard him panting and I saw written on the chubby face his 01:0203;01[A ]| joy at being back at last. But at the same time I kept my eye on the shelter, which 01:0203;01[A ]| drew me with a extraordinary pull, so that to$9$ cut across from the terminus of 01:0203;01[A ]| one sally to$4$ the terminus of the next, and so on, which would have$1$ been 01:0203;01[A ]| convenient, was out of the question. But each time I had to$9$ retrace my steps, the 01:0203;01[A ]| way I had come, to$4$ the shelter, and make sure all was in order, before I sallied 01:0203;01[A ]| forth again. And I consumed the greater part of this second day in these vain 01:0203;01[A ]| comings and goings, these vigils and imaginings, but not all of it. For I also lay 01:0203;01[A ]| down from time to$4$ time in the shelter, which I was beginning to$9$ think of as my 01:0203;01[A ]| little house, to$9$ ruminate in peace on certain things, and notably on my 01:0203;01[A ]| provisions of food which were rapidly running out, so that after a meal devoured 01:0203;01[A ]| at five o'clock I was left with only two tins of sardines, a handful of biscuits and a 01:0203;01[A ]| few apples. But I also tried to$9$ remember what I was to$9$ do$1$ with Molloy, once I had 01:0203;01[A ]| found him. And on myself too I pored, on me so changed from what I was. And I 01:0203;01[A ]| seemed to$9$ see myself ageing as swiftly as a day-fly. But the idea of ageing was not 01:0203;01[A ]| exactly the one which offered itself to$4$ me. And what I saw was more like a 01:0203;01[A ]| crumbling, a frenzied collapsing of all that had always protected me from all I was 01:0203;01[A ]| always condemned to$9$ be. Or it was like a kind of clawing towards a light and 01:0203;01[A ]| countenance I could not name, that I had once known and long denied. But what 01:0203;01[A ]| words can describe this sensation at first all darkness and bulk, with a noise like 01:0203;01[A ]| the grinding 01:0204;01[A ]| of stones, then suddenly as soft as water flowing.And then I saw a little globe 01:0204;01[A ]| swaying up slowly from the depths, through the quiet water, smooth at first, and 01:0204;01[A ]| scarcely paler than its escorting ripples, then little by little a face, with holes for 01:0204;01[A ]| the eyes and mouth and other wounds, and nothing to$9$ show if it was a man's 01:0204;01[A ]| face or a woman's face, a young face or a old face, or if its calm too was not a 01:0204;01[A ]| effect of the water trembling between it and the light. But I confess I attended but 01:0204;01[A ]| absently to$4$ these poor figures, in which I suppose my sense of disaster sought to$9$ 01:0204;01[A ]| contain itself. And that I did not labour at them more diligently was a further 01:0204;01[A ]| index of the great changes I had suffered and of my growing resignation to$4$ being 01:0204;01[A ]| dispossessed of self. And doubtless I should have$1$ gone from discovery to$4$ 01:0204;01[A ]| discovery, concerning myself, if I had persisted. But at the first faint light, I mean 01:0204;01[A ]| in these wild shadows gathering about me, dispensed by a vision or by a effort of 01:0204;01[A ]| thought, at the first light I fled to$4$ other cares. And all had been for nothing. And 01:0204;01[A ]| he who acted thus was a stranger to$4$ me too. For it was not my nature, I mean it 01:0204;01[A ]| was not my custom, to$9$ conduct my calculations simultaneously, but separately 01:0204;01[A ]| and turn about, pushing each one as far as it would go before turning in 01:0204;01[A ]| desperation to$4$ another. Similarly the missing instructions concerning Molloy, 01:0204;01[A ]| when I felt them stirring in the depths of my memory, I turned from them in 01:0204;01[A ]| haste towards other unknowns. And I who a fortnight before would joyfully 01:0204;01[A ]| have$1$ reckoned how long I could survive on the provisions that remained, 01:0204;01[A ]| probably with reference to$4$ the question of calories and vitamins, and established 01:0204;01[A ]| in my head a series of menus asymptotically approaching nutritional zero, was 01:0204;01[A ]| now content to$9$ 01:0205;01[A ]| note feebly that I should soon be$1$ dead of inanition, if I did not succeed in 01:0205;01[A ]| renewing my provisions. So much for the second day. But one incident remains 01:0205;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ noted, before I go on to$4$ the third. 01:0205;00@@@@@| 01:0205;01[A ]| It was evening I had lit my fire and was watching it take when I heard 01:0205;01[A ]| myself hailed. The voice, already so near that I started violently, was that of a 01:0205;01[A ]| man. But after this one violent start I collected myself and continued to$9$ busy 01:0205;01[A ]| myself with my fire as if nothing had happened, poking it with a branch I had 01:0205;01[A ]| torn from its tree for the purpose a little earlier and stripped of its twigs and 01:0205;01[A ]| leaves and even part of its bark, with my bare nails. I have always loved skinning 01:0205;01[A ]| branches and laying bare the pretty white glossy shaft of sapwood. But obscure 01:0205;01[A ]| feelings of love and pity for the tree held me back most of the time. And I 01:0205;01[A ]| numbered among my familiars the dragon-tree of Teneriffe that perished at the 01:0205;01[A ]| age of five thousand years, struck by lightning. It was a example of longevity. 01:0205;01[A ]| The branch was thick and full of sap and did not burn when I stuck it in the fire. I 01:0205;01[A ]| held it by the thin end. The crackling of the fire, of the writhing brands rather, for 01:0205;01[A ]| fire triumphant does not crackle, but makes a altogether different noise, had 01:0205;01[A ]| permitted the man to$9$ come right up to$4$ me, without my knowledge. If there is one 01:0205;01[A ]| thing infuriates me it is being taken myself by surprise. I continued then, in spite 01:0205;01[A ]| of my spasm of fright, hoping it had passed unnoticed, to$9$ poke the fire as if I were 01:0205;01[A ]| alone. But at the thump of his hand on my shoulder I had no choice but to$9$ do$1$ 01:0205;01[A ]| what anyone else would have$1$ done in my place, and this I achieved by suddenly 01:0205;01[A ]| spinning round in what I trust was a good imitation of fear and anger. There I 01:0205;01[A ]| was face to$4$ face with a dim man, dim of face and dim of body, 01:0206;01[A ]| because of the dark. Put it there, he said. But little by little I formed a idea of 01:0206;01[A ]| the type of individual it was. And indeed there reigned between his various parts 01:0206;01[A ]| great harmony and concord, and it could be$1$ truly said that his face was worthy of 01:0206;01[A ]| his body, and vice versa. And if I could have$1$ seen his arse, I do not doubt I should 01:0206;01[A ]| have$1$ found it on a par with the whole. What are you doing in this God-forsaken 01:0206;01[A ]| place, he said, you unexpected pleasure. And moving aside from the fire which 01:0206;01[A ]| was now burning merrily, so that its light fell full on the intruder, I could see he 01:0206;01[A ]| was precisely the kind of pest I had thought he was, without being sure, because 01:0206;01[A ]| of the dark. Can you tell me, he said. I shall have$1$ to$9$ describe him briefly, though 01:0206;01[A ]| such a thing is contrary to$4$ my principles. He was on the small side, but thick-set. 01:0206;01[A ]| He wore a thick navy-blue suit (double-breasted) of hideous cut and a pair of 01:0206;01[A ]| outrageously wide black shoes, with the toe-caps higher than the uppers. This 01:0206;01[A ]| dreadful shape seems only to$9$ occur in black shoes. Do you happen to$9$ know, he 01:0206;01[A ]| said. The fringed extremities of a dark muffler, seven feet long at least, wound 01:0206;01[A ]| several times round his neck, hung down his back. He had a narrow-brimmed 01:0206;01[A ]| dark blue felt hat on his head, with a fish-hook and a artificial fly stuck in the 01:0206;01[A ]| band, which produced a highly sporting effect. Do you hear me? he said. But all 01:0206;01[A ]| this was nothing compared to$4$ the face which I regret to$9$ say$1$ vaguely resembled my 01:0206;01[A ]| own, less the refinement of course, same little abortive moustache, same little 01:0206;01[A ]| ferrety eyes, same paraphimosis of the nose, and a thin red mouth that looked as 01:0206;01[A ]| if it was raw from trying to$9$ shit its tongue. Hey you ! he said. I turned back to$4$ my 01:0206;01[A ]| fire. It was doing nicely. I threw more wood on it. Do you hear 01:0207;01[A ]| me talking to$4$ you? he said. I went towards the shelter, he barred my way, 01:0207;01[A ]| emboldened by my limp. Have you a tongue in your head? he said. I do not know 01:0207;01[A ]| you, I said. I laughed. I had not intended to$9$ be$1$ witty. Would you care to$9$ see my 01:0207;01[A ]| card? he said. It would mean nothing to$4$ me, I said. He came closer to$4$ me. Get out 01:0207;01[A ]| of my way, I said. It was his turn no laugh. You refuse to$9$ answer? he said. I made 01:0207;01[A ]| a great effort. What do you want to$9$ know? I said. He must have$1$ thought I was 01:0207;01[A ]| weakening. That is more like it, he said. I called to$4$ my aid the image of my son 01:0207;01[A ]| who might arrive at any moment. I have already told you, he said. I was trembling 01:0207;01[A ]| all over. Have the goodness to$9$ tell me again, I said. To$9$ cut a long story short he 01:0207;01[A ]| wanted to$9$ know if I had seen a old man with a stick pass by. He described him. 01:0207;01[A ]| Badly. The voice seemed to$9$ come to$4$ me from afar. No, I said. What do you mean 01:0207;01[A ]| no? he said. I have seen no one, I said. And yet he passed this way, he said. I said 01:0207;01[A ]| nothing. How long have you been here? he said. His body too grew dim, as if 01:0207;01[A ]| coming asunder. What is your business here? he said. Are you on night patrol? I 01:0207;01[A ]| said. He thrust his hand at me. I have a idea I told him once again to$9$ get out of 01:0207;01[A ]| my way. I can still see the hand coming towards me, pallid, opening and closing. 01:0207;01[A ]| As if self-propelled. I do not know what happened then. But a little later, perhaps 01:0207;01[A ]| a long time later, I found him stretched on the ground, his head in a pulp. I am 01:0207;01[A ]| sorry I can not indicate more clearly how this result was obtained, it would have$1$ 01:0207;01[A ]| been something worth reading. But it is not at this late stage of my relation that I 01:0207;01[A ]| intend to$9$ give way to$4$ literature. I myself was unscathed, except for a few scratches 01:0207;01[A ]| I did not discover till the following day. 01:0208;01[A ]| I bent over him. As I did so I realized my leg was bending normally. He no 01:0208;01[A ]| longer resembled me. I took him by the ankles and dragged him backwards into 01:0208;01[A ]| the shelter. His shoes shone with highly polished blacking. He wore fancy socks. 01:0208;01[A ]| The trousers slid back, disclosing the white hairless legs. His ankles were bony, 01:0208;01[A ]| like my own. My fingers encircled them nearly. He was wearing suspenders, one 01:0208;01[A ]| of which had come undone and was hanging loose. This detail went to$4$ my heart. 01:0208;01[A ]| Already my knee was stiffening again. It no longer required to$9$ be$1$ supple. I went 01:0208;01[A ]| back to$4$ the shelter and took my son's raincoat. I went back to$4$ the fire and lay 01:0208;01[A ]| down, with the coat over me. I did not get much sleep, but I got some. I listened 01:0208;01[A ]| to$4$ the owls. They were not eagle-owls, it was a cry like the whistle of a 01:0208;01[A ]| locomotive. I listened to$4$ a nightingale. And to$4$ distant corncrakes. If I had heard of 01:0208;01[A ]| other birds that cry and sing at night, I should have$1$ listened to$4$ them too. I 01:0208;01[A ]| watched the fire dying, my cheek pillowed on my hands. I watched out for the 01:0208;01[A ]| dawn. It was hardly breaking when I got up and went to$4$ the shelter. His legs too 01:0208;01[A ]| were on the stiff side, but there was still some play in the hip joints, fortunately. I 01:0208;01[A ]| dragged him into the copse, with frequent rests on the way, but without letting go 01:0208;01[A ]| his legs, so as not to$9$ have$1$ to$9$ stoop again to$9$ pick them up. Then I dismantled the 01:0208;01[A ]| shelter and threw the branches over the body. I packed and shouldered the two 01:0208;01[A ]| bags, took the raincoat and the umbrella. In a word I struck camp. But before 01:0208;01[A ]| leaving I consulted with myself to$9$ make sure I was forgetting nothing, and 01:0208;01[A ]| without relying on my intelligence alone, for I felt my pockets and looked around 01:0208;01[A ]| me. And it was while feeling my pockets that I discovered 01:0209;01[A ]| something of which my mind had been powerless to$9$ inform me, namely that 01:0209;01[A ]| my keys were no longer there. I was not long in finding them, scattered on the 01:0209;01[A ]| ground, the ring having broken. And to$9$ tell the truth first I found the chain, then 01:0209;01[A ]| the keys and last the ring, in two pieces. And since it was out of the question, 01:0209;01[A ]| even with the help of my umbrella, to$9$ stoop each time to$9$ pick up a key, I put 01:0209;01[A ]| down my bags, my umbrella and the coat and lay down flat on my stomach 01:0209;01[A ]| among the keys which in this way I was able to$9$ recover without much difficulty. 01:0209;01[A ]| And when a key was beyond my reach I took hold of the grass and dragged myself 01:0209;01[A ]| over to$4$ it. And I wiped each key on the grass, before putting it in my pocket, 01:0209;01[A ]| whether it needed wiping or not. And from time to$4$ time I raised myself on my 01:0209;01[A ]| hands, to$9$ get a better view. And in this way I located a number of keys at some 01:0209;01[A ]| distance from me, and these I reached by rolling over and over, like a great 01:0209;01[A ]| cylinder. And finding no more keys, I said, There is no use my counting them, for 01:0209;01[A ]| I do not know how many there were. And my eyes resumed their search. But 01:0209;01[A ]| finally I said, Hell to$4$ it, I will do$1$ with those I have. And while looking in this way 01:0209;01[A ]| for my keys I found a ear which I threw into the copse. And, to$4$ my even greater 01:0209;01[A ]| surprise, I found my straw hat which I thought was on my head! One of the holes 01:0209;01[A ]| for the elastic had expanded to$4$ the edge of the rim and consequently was no 01:0209;01[A ]| longer a hole, but a slit. But the other had been spared and the elastic was still in 01:0209;01[A ]| it. And finally I said, I shall rise now and, from my full height, run my eyes over 01:0209;01[A ]| this area for the last time. Which I did. It was then I found the ring, first one 01:0209;01[A ]| piece, then the other. Then, finding nothing more belonging either to$4$ me or 01:0210;01[A ]| to$4$ my son, I shouldered my bags again, jammed the straw-hat hard down on my 01:0210;01[A ]| skull, folded my son's raincoat over my arm, caught up the umbrella and went. 01:0210;01[A ]| But I did not go far. For I soon stopped on the crest of a rise from where I 01:0210;01[A ]| could survey, without fatigue, the camp-site and the surrounding country. And I 01:0210;01[A ]| made this curious observation, that the land from where I was, and even the 01:0210;01[A ]| clouds in the sky, were so disposed as to$9$ lead the eyes gently to$4$ the camp, as in a 01:0210;01[A ]| painting by a old master. I made myself as comfortable as possible I got rid of my 01:0210;01[A ]| various burdens and 1 ate a whole tin of sardines and one apple. I lay down flat 01:0210;01[A ]| on my stomach on my son's coat. And now I propped my elbows on the ground 01:0210;01[A ]| and my jaws between my hands, which carried my eyes towards the horizon, and 01:0210;01[A ]| now I made a little cushion of my two hands on the ground and laid my cheek 01:0210;01[A ]| upon it, five minutes one, five minutes the other, all the while flat on my 01:0210;01[A ]| stomach. 01:0210;00@@@@@| 01:0210;01[A ]| I could have$1$ made myself a pillow of the bags, but I did not, it did not 01:0210;01[A ]| occur to$4$ me. The day passed tranquilly, without incident And the only thing that 01:0210;01[A ]| relieved the monotony of this third day was a dog. When I first saw him he was 01:0210;01[A ]| sniffing about the remains of my fire, then he went into the copse. But I did not 01:0210;01[A ]| see him come out again, either because my attention was elsewhere, or because 01:0210;01[A ]| he went out the other side, having simply as it were gone straight through it. I 01:0210;01[A ]| mended my hat, that is to$9$ say$1$ with the tin-opener I pierced a new hole beside the 01:0210;01[A ]| old one and made fast the elastic again. And I also mended the ring, twisting the 01:0210;01[A ]| two pieces together, and I slipped on the keys and made fast the long chain again. 01:0210;01[A ]| And to$9$ kill 01:0211;01[A ]| time I asked myself a certain number of questions and tried 01:0211;01[A ]| to$9$ answer them. For example. 01:0211;01[A ]| Question. What had happened to$4$ the blue felt hat? 01:0211;01[A ]| Answer. 01:0211;01[A ]| Question. Would they not suspect the old man with the stick? 01:0211;01[A ]| Answer. Very probably 01:0211;01[A ]| Question. What were his chances of exonerating himself? 01:0211;01[A ]| Answer. Slight 01:0211;01[A ]| Question. Should I tell my son what had happened? 01:0211;01[A ]| Answer. No, for then it would be$1$ his duty to$9$ denounce me. 01:0211;01[A ]| Question. Would he denounce me? 01:0211;01[A ]| Answer. 01:0211;01[A ]| Question. How did I feel? 01:0211;01[A ]| Answer. Much as usual 01:0211;01[A ]| Question. And yet I had charged and was still changing? 01:0211;01[A ]| Answer. Yes 01:0211;01[A ]| Question. And in spite of this I felt much as usual? 01:0211;01[A ]| Answer. Yes 01:0211;01[A ]| Question. How was this to$9$ be$1$ explained? 01:0211;01[A ]| Answer. 01:0211;01[A ]| These questions and others too were separated by more or less prolonged 01:0211;01[A ]| intervals of time not only from one another, but also from the answers 01:0211;01[A ]| appertaining to$4$ them. And the answers did not always follow in the order of the 01:0211;01[A ]| questions. But while looking for the answer, or the answers, to$4$ a given question, I 01:0211;01[A ]| found the answer, or the answers, to$4$ a question I had already asked myself in 01:0211;01[A ]| vain, in the sense that I had not been able to$9$ answer it, 01:0212;01[A ]| immediate answer. 01:0212;01[A ]| Translating myself now in imagination to$4$ the present moment, I declare 01:0212;01[A ]| the foregoing to$9$ have$1$ been written with a firm and even satisfied hand, and a 01:0212;01[A ]| mind calmer than it has been for a long time. For I shall be$1$ far away, before these 01:0212;01[A ]| lines are read, in a place where no one will dream of coming to$9$ look for me. And 01:0212;01[A ]| then Youdi will take care of me, he will not let me be$1$ punished for a fault 01:0212;01[A ]| committed in the execution of my duty. And they can do$1$ nothing to$4$ my son, 01:0212;01[A ]| rather they will commiserate with him on having had such a father, and offers of 01:0212;01[A ]| help and expressions of esteem will pour in upon him from every side. 01:0212;01[A ]| So this third day wore away. And about five o'clock I ate my last tin of 01:0212;01[A ]| sardines and a few biscuits, with a good appetite. This left me with only a few 01:0212;01[A ]| apples and a few biscuits. But about seven o'clock my son arrived. The sun was 01:0212;01[A ]| low in the west. I must have$1$ dozed a moment, for I did not see him coming, a 01:0212;01[A ]| speck on the horizon, then rapidly bigger and bigger, as I had foreseen. But he was 01:0212;01[A ]| already between me and the camp, making for the latter, when I saw him. A 01:0212;01[A ]| wave of irritation broke over me, I jumped to$4$ my feet and began to$9$ vociferate, 01:0212;01[A ]| brandishing my umbrella. He turned and I beckoned him to$9$ join me, waving the 01:0212;01[A ]| umbrella as if I wanted to$9$ hook something with the handle. I thought for a 01:0212;01[A ]| moment he was going to$9$ defy me and continue on his way to$4$ the camp, to$4$ where 01:0212;01[A ]| the camp had been rather, for it was there no more. But finally he came towards 01:0212;01[A ]| me. He was pushing a bicycle which, when he had joined me, he let fall with a 01:0212;01[A ]| gesture signifying he could bear no more. Pick it up, I said, till I look at it. I had to$9$ 01:0212;01[A ]| admit it must 01:0213;01[A ]| once have$1$ been quite a good bicycle. I would gladly describe it, I would gladly 01:0213;01[A ]| write four thousand words on it alone. And you call that a bicycle? I said. Only 01:0213;01[A ]| half expecting him to$9$ answer me I continued to$9$ inspect it. But there was 01:0213;01[A ]| something so strange in his silence that I looked up at him. His eyes were starting 01:0213;01[A ]| out of his head. What is the matter, I said, is my fly open? He let go the bicycle 01:0213;01[A ]| again. Pick it up, I said. He picked it up. What happened to$4$ you? he said. I had a 01:0213;01[A ]| fall, I said. A fall? he said. Yes, a fall, I cried, did you never have$1$ a fall? I tried to$9$ 01:0213;01[A ]| remember the name of the plant that springs from the ejaculations of the hanged 01:0213;01[A ]| and shrieks when plucked. How much did you give for it? I said. Four pounds, he 01:0213;01[A ]| said. Four pounds ! I cried. If he had said two pounds or even thirty shillings I 01:0213;01[A ]| should have$1$ cried, Two pounds! or, Thirty shillings! the same. They asked four 01:0213;01[A ]| pounds five, he said. Have you the receipt? I said. He did not know what a receipt 01:0213;01[A ]| was. I described one. The money I spent on my son's education and he did not 01:0213;01[A ]| know what a simple receipt was. But I think he knew as well as I. For when I said 01:0213;01[A ]| to$4$ him, Now tell me what a receipt is, he told me very prettily. I really did not 01:0213;01[A ]| care in the least whether he had been fooled into paying for the bicycle three or 01:0213;01[A ]| four times what it was worth or whether on the other hand he had appropriated 01:0213;01[A ]| the best part of the purchase money for his own use. The loss would not be$1$ mine. 01:0213;01[A ]| Give me the ten shillings, I said. I spent them, he said. Enough, enough. He began 01:0213;01[A ]| explaining that the first day the shops had been closed, that the second I said, 01:0213;01[A ]| Enough, enough. I looked at the carrier. It was the best thing about that bicycle. It 01:0213;01[A ]| and the pump. Does it 01:0214;01[A ]| go by any chance? I said. I had a puncture two miles from Hole, he said, I 01:0214;01[A ]| walked the rest of the way. I looked at his shoes. Pump it up, I said. I held the 01:0214;01[A ]| bicycle. I forget which wheel it was. As soon as two things are nearly identical I 01:0214;01[A ]| am lost. The dirty little twister was letting the air escape between the valve and 01:0214;01[A ]| the connexion which he had purposely not screwed tight. Hold the bicycle, I said, 01:0214;01[A ]| and give me the pump. The tyre was soon hard. I looked at my son. He began to$9$ 01:0214;01[A ]| protest. I soon put a stop to$4$ that. Five minutes later I felt the tyre. It was as hard as 01:0214;01[A ]| ever. I cursed him. He took a bar of chocolate from his pocket and offered it to$4$ 01:0214;01[A ]| me. I took it. But instead of eating it, as I longed to$9$, and although I have a horror 01:0214;01[A ]| of waste, I cast it from me, after a moment's hesitation, which I trust my son did 01:0214;01[A ]| not notice. Enough. We went down to$4$ the road. It was more like a path. I tried to$9$ 01:0214;01[A ]| sit down on the carrier. The foot of my stiff leg tried to$9$ sink into the ground, into 01:0214;01[A ]| the grave. I propped myself up on one of the bags. Keep her$6$ steady, I said. I was 01:0214;01[A ]| still too low. I added the other. Its bulges dug into my buttocks. The more things 01:0214;01[A ]| resist me the more rabid I get. With time, and nothing but my teeth and nails, I 01:0214;01[A ]| would rage up from the bowels of the earth to$4$ its crust, knowing full well I had 01:0214;01[A ]| nothing to$9$ gain. And when I had no more teeth, no more nails, I would dig 01:0214;01[A ]| through the rock with my bones. Here then in a few words is the solution I 01:0214;01[A ]| arrived at. First the bags, then my son's raincoat folded in four, all lashed to$4$ the 01:0214;01[A ]| carrier and the saddle with my son's bits of string. As for the umbrella, I hooked it 01:0214;01[A ]| round my neck, so as to$9$ have$1$ both hands free to$9$ hold on to$4$ my son by the waist, 01:0214;01[A ]| under the armpits rather, for by this time 01:0215;01[A ]| my seat was higher than his. Pedal, I said. He made a despairing effort, I can 01:0215;01[A ]| well believe it. We fell. I felt a sharp pain in my shin. I was all tangled up in the 01:0215;01[A ]| back wheel. Help ! I cried. My son helped me up. My stocking was torn and my leg 01:0215;01[A ]| bleeding. Happily it was the sick leg. What would I have$1$ done, with both legs out 01:0215;01[A ]| of action? I would have$1$ found a way. It was even perhaps a blessing in disguise. I 01:0215;01[A ]| was thinking of phlebotomy of course. Are you all right? I said. Yes, he said. He 01:0215;01[A ]| would be. With my umbrella I caught him a smart blow on the hamstrings, 01:0215;01[A ]| gleaming between the leg of his shorts and his stocking. He cried out. Do you 01:0215;01[A ]| want to$9$ kill us? I said. I am not strong enough, he said, I am not strong enough. 01:0215;01[A ]| The bicycle was all right apparently, the back wheel slightly buckled perhaps. I at 01:0215;01[A ]| once saw the error I had made. It was to$9$ have$1$ settled down in my seat, with my 01:0215;01[A ]| feet clear of the ground, before we moved off. I reflected. We will try again, I said. I 01:0215;01[A ]| can not, he said. Do not try me too far, I said. He straddled the frame. Start off gently 01:0215;01[A ]| when I tell you, I said. I got up again behind and settled down in my seat, with my 01:0215;01[A ]| feet clear of the ground. Good. Wait till I tell you, I said. I let myself slide to$4$ one 01:0215;01[A ]| side till the foot of my good leg touched the ground. The only weight now on the 01:0215;01[A ]| back wheel was that of my sick leg, cocked up rigid at a excruciating angle. I dug 01:0215;01[A ]| my fingers into my son's jacket. Go easy, I said. The wheels began to$9$ turn. I 01:0215;01[A ]| followed, half dragged, half hopping. I trembled for my testicles which swing a 01:0215;01[A ]| little low. Faster ! I cried. He bore down on the pedals. I bounded up to$4$ my place. 01:0215;01[A ]| The bicycle swayed, righted itself, gained speed. Bravo ! I cried, beside myself 01:0216;01[A ]| with joy. Hurrah! cried my son. How I loathe that exclamation ! I can hardly set 01:0216;01[A ]| it down. He was as pleased as I, I do believe. His heart was beating under my hand 01:0216;01[A ]| and yet my hand was far from his heart. Happily it was downhill. Happily I had 01:0216;01[A ]| mended my hat, or the wind would have$1$ blown it away. Happily the weather was 01:0216;01[A ]| fine and I no longer alone. Happily, happily. 01:0216;00@@@@@| 01:0216;01[A ]| In this way we came to$4$ Ballyba. I shall not tell of the obstacles we had to$9$ 01:0216;01[A ]| surmount, the fiends we had to$9$ circumvent, the misdemeanours of the son, the 01:0216;01[A ]| disintegrations of the father. It was my intention, almost my desire, to$9$ tell of all 01:0216;01[A ]| these things, I rejoiced at the thought that the moment would come when I 01:0216;01[A ]| might do$1$ so. Now the intention is dead, the moment is come and the desire is 01:0216;01[A ]| gone. My leg was no better. It was no worse either. The skin had healed. I would 01:0216;01[A ]| never have$1$ got there alone. It was thanks to$4$ my son. What? That I got there. He 01:0216;01[A ]| often complained of his health, his stomach, his teeth. I gave him some 01:0216;01[A ]| morphine. He looked worse and worse. When I asked him what was wrong he 01:0216;01[A ]| could not tell me. We had trouble with the bicycle. But I patched it up. I would 01:0216;01[A ]| not have$1$ got there without my son. We were a long time getting there. Weeks. 01:0216;01[A ]| We kept losing our way, taking our time. I still did not know what I was to$9$ do$1$ 01:0216;01[A ]| with Molloy, when I found him. I thought no more about it. I thought about 01:0216;01[A ]| myself, much, as we went along, sitting behind my son, looking over his head, 01:0216;01[A ]| and in the evening, when we camped, while he made himself useful, and when 01:0216;01[A ]| he went away, leaving me alone. For he often went away, to$9$ spy out the lie of the 01:0216;01[A ]| land and to$9$ buy provisions. I did practically nothing any more. He took good care 01:0216;01[A ]| of me, I must say$1$. He was 01:0217;01[A ]| clumsy, stupid, slow, dirty, untruthful, deceitful, prodigal, unfilial, but he did 01:0217;01[A ]| not abandon me. I thought much about myself. That is to$9$ say$1$ I often took a quick 01:0217;01[A ]| look at myself, closed my eyes, forgot, began again. We took a long time getting to$4$ 01:0217;01[A ]| Ballyba, we even got there without knowing it. Stop, I said to$4$ my son one day. I 01:0217;01[A ]| had just caught sight of a shepherd I liked the look of. He was sitting on the 01:0217;01[A ]| ground stroking his dog. A flock of black shorn sheep strayed about them, 01:0217;01[A ]| unafraid. What a pastoral land, my God. Leaving my son on the side of the road I 01:0217;01[A ]| went towards them, across the grass. I often stopped and rested, leaning on my 01:0217;01[A ]| umbrella. The shepherd watched me as I came, without getting up. The dog too, 01:0217;01[A ]| without barking. The sheep too. Yes, little by little, one by one, they turned and 01:0217;01[A ]| faced me, watching me as I came. Here and there faint movements of recoil, a 01:0217;01[A ]| tiny foot stamping the ground, betrayed their uneasiness. They did not seem 01:0217;01[A ]| timid, as sheep go. And my son of course watched me as I went, I felt his eyes in 01:0217;01[A ]| my back. The silence was absolute. Profound in any case. All things considered it 01:0217;01[A ]| was a solemn moment. The weather was divine. It was the close of day. Each time 01:0217;01[A ]| I stopped I looked about me. I looked at the shepherd, the sheep, the dog and 01:0217;01[A ]| even at the sky. But when I moved I saw nothing but the ground and the play of 01:0217;01[A ]| my feet, the good one springing forward, holding back, setting itself down, 01:0217;01[A ]| waiting for the other to$9$ come up. I came finally to$4$ a halt about ten paces from the 01:0217;01[A ]| shepherd. There was no use going any further. How I would love to$9$ dwell upon 01:0217;01[A ]| him. His dog loved him, his sheep did not fear him. Soon he would rise, feeling 01:0217;01[A ]| the falling dew. The fold was far, far, he would see from afar the light 01:0218;01[A ]| in his cot. Now I was in the midst of the sheep, they made a circle round me, 01:0218;01[A ]| their eyes converged on me. Perhaps I was the butcher come to$9$ make his choice. I 01:0218;01[A ]| took off my hat. I saw the dog's eyes following the movement of my hand. I 01:0218;01[A ]| looked about me again incapable of speech. I did not know how I would ever be$1$ 01:0218;01[A ]| able to$9$ break this silence. I was on the point of turning away without having 01:0218;01[A ]| spoken. Finally I said, Ballyba, hoping it sounded like a question. The shepherd 01:0218;01[A ]| drew the pipe from his mouth and pointed the stem at the ground. I longed to$9$ 01:0218;01[A ]| say$1$, Take me with you, I will serve you faithfully, just for a place to$9$ lie and a little 01:0218;01[A ]| food. I had understood, but without seeming to$9$ I suppose, for he repeated his 01:0218;01[A ]| gesture, pointing the stem of his pipe at the ground, several times. Bally, I said. 01:0218;01[A ]| He raised one hand, it wavered a instant as if over a map, then stiffened. The 01:0218;01[A ]| pipe still smoked faintly, the smoke hung blue in the air a instant, then 01:0218;01[A ]| vanished. I looked in the direction indicated. The dog too. We were all three 01:0218;01[A ]| turned to$4$ the north. The sheep were losing interest in me. Perhaps they had 01:0218;01[A ]| understood. I heard them straying about again and grazing. I distinguished at last, 01:0218;01[A ]| at the limit of the plain, a dim glow, the sum of countless points of light blurred 01:0218;01[A ]| by the distance, I thought of Juno's milk. It lay like a faint splash on the sharp 01:0218;01[A ]| dark sweep of the horizon. I gave thanks for evening that brings out the lights, 01:0218;01[A ]| the stars in the sky and on earth the brave little lights of men. By day the 01:0218;01[A ]| shepherd would have$1$ raised his pipe in vain, towards the long clear-cut 01:0218;01[A ]| commissure of earth and sky. But now I felt the man turning towards me again, 01:0218;01[A ]| and the dog, and the man drawing on his pipe again, in the hope it had not gone 01:0218;01[A ]| out. 01:0219;01[A ]| And I knew I was all alone gazing at that distant glow that would get brighter 01:0219;01[A ]| and brighter, I knew that too, then suddenly go out. And I did not like the feeling 01:0219;01[A ]| of being alone, with my son perhaps, no, alone, spellbound. And I was wondering 01:0219;01[A ]| how to$9$ depart without self-loathing or sadness, or with as little as possible, when 01:0219;01[A ]| a kind of immense sigh all round me announced it was not I who was departing, 01:0219;01[A ]| but the flock. I watched them move away, the man in front, then the sheep, 01:0219;01[A ]| huddled together, their heads sunk, jostling one another, breaking now and then 01:0219;01[A ]| into a little trot, snatching blindly without stopping a last mouthful from the 01:0219;01[A ]| earth, and last of all the dog, jauntily, waving his long black plumy tail, though 01:0219;01[A ]| there was no one to$9$ witness his contentment, if that is what it was. And so in 01:0219;01[A ]| perfect order, the shepherd silent and the dog unneeded, the little flock departed. 01:0219;01[A ]| And so no doubt they would plod on, until they came to$4$ the stable or the fold. 01:0219;01[A ]| And there the shepherd stands aside to$9$ let them pass and he counts them as they 01:0219;01[A ]| go by, though he knows not one is missing. Then he turns towards his cottage, 01:0219;01[A ]| the kitchen door is open, the lamp is burning, he goes in and sits down at the 01:0219;01[A ]| table, without taking off his hat. But the dog stops at the threshold, not knowing 01:0219;01[A ]| whether he may go in or whether he must stay out, all night. 01:0219;01[A ]| That night I had a violent scene with my son. I do not remember about 01:0219;01[A ]| what. Wait, it may be$1$ important. 01:0219;01[A ]| No, I do not know. I have had so many scenes with my son. At the time it 01:0219;01[A ]| must have$1$ seemed a scene like any other, that is all I know. 01:0219;01[A ]| I must have$1$ got the better of it as I always did, thanks to$4$ my infallible 01:0219;01[A ]| technique, and brought him 01:0220;01[A ]| unerringly to$4$ a proper sense of his iniquities. But the next day I realized my 01:0220;01[A ]| mistake. For waking early I found myself alone, in the shelter, I who was always 01:0220;01[A ]| the first to$9$ wake. And what is more my instinct told me I had been alone for 01:0220;01[A ]| some considerable time, my breath no longer mingling with the breath of my 01:0220;01[A ]| son, in the narrow shelter he had erected, under my supervision. Not that the 01:0220;01[A ]| fact of his having disappeared with the bicycle, during the night or with the first 01:0220;01[A ]| guilty flush of dawn, was in itself a matter for grave anxiety. And I would have$1$ 01:0220;01[A ]| found excellent and honourable reasons for this, if this had been all. 01:0220;01[A ]| Unfortunately he had taken his knapsack and his raincoat. And there remained 01:0220;01[A ]| nothing in the shelter, nor outside the shelter, belonging to$4$ him absolutely 01:0220;01[A ]| nothing. And this was not yet all, for he had left with a considerable sum of 01:0220;01[A ]| money, he who was only entitled to$4$ a few pence from time to$4$ time, for his 01:0220;01[A ]| savings-box. For since he had been in charge of everything, under my 01:0220;01[A ]| supervision of course, and notably of the shopping, I was obliged to$9$ place a certain 01:0220;01[A ]| reliance on him in the matter of money. And he always had a far greater sum in 01:0220;01[A ]| his pocket than was strictly necessary. And in order to$9$ make all this sound more 01:0220;01[A ]| likely I shall add what follows. 01:0220;01[A ]| 1. I desired him to$9$ learn double-entry book-keeping and had instructed 01:0220;01[A ]| him in its rudiments. 01:0220;01[A ]| 2. I could no longer be$1$ bothered with these wretched trifles which had 01:0220;01[A ]| once been my delight. 01:0220;01[A ]| 3. I had told him to$9$ keep a eye out, on his expeditions, for a second 01:0220;01[A ]| bicycle, light and inexpensive. For I was weary of the carrier and I also saw the day 01:0220;01[A ]| approaching when my son would no longer have$1$ the 01:0221;01[A ]| strength to$9$ pedal for the two of us. And I believed I was capable, more than that, 01:0221;01[A ]| I knew I was capable, with a little practice, of learning to$9$ pedal with one leg. And 01:0221;01[A ]| then I would resume my rightful place, I mean in the van. And my son would 01:0221;01[A ]| follow me. And then the scandal would cease of my son's defying me, and going 01:0221;01[A ]| left when I told him right, or right when I told him left, or straight on when I told 01:0221;01[A ]| him right or left as he had been doing of late, more and more frequently. 01:0221;01[A ]| That is all I wished to$9$ add. 01:0221;01[A ]| But on examining my pocket-book I found it contained no more than 01:0221;01[A ]| fifteen shillings, which led me to$4$ the conclusion that my son had not been 01:0221;01[A ]| content with the sum already in his possession, but had gone through my 01:0221;01[A ]| pockets, before he left, while I slept. And the human breast is so bizarre that my 01:0221;01[A ]| first feeling was of gratitude for his leaving me this little sum, enough to$9$ keep me 01:0221;01[A ]| going until help arrived, and I saw in this a kind of delicacy! 01:0221;01[A ]| I was therefore alone, with my bag, my umbrella (which he might easily 01:0221;01[A ]| have$1$ taken too) and fifteen shillings, knowing myself coldly abandoned, with 01:0221;01[A ]| deliberation and no doubt premeditation, in Ballyba it is true, if indeed I was in 01:0221;01[A ]| Ballyba, but still far from Bally. And I remained for several days, I do not know 01:0221;01[A ]| how many, in the place where my son had abandoned me, eating my last 01:0221;01[A ]| provisions (which he might easily have$1$ taken too), seeing no living soul, 01:0221;01[A ]| powerless to$9$ act, or perhaps strong enough at last to$9$ act no more. For I had no 01:0221;01[A ]| illusions, I knew that all was about to$9$ end, or to$9$ begin again, it little mattered 01:0221;01[A ]| which, and it little mattered how, I had only to$9$ wait. And on and off, for fun, and 01:0221;01[A ]| the better to$9$ scatter them to$4$ the winds, I dallied with the hopes that 01:0222;01[A ]| spring eternal, childish hopes, as for example that my son, his anger spent, 01:0222;01[A ]| would have$1$ pity on me and come back to$4$ me! Or that Molloy, whose country this 01:0222;01[A ]| was, would come to$4$ me, who had not been able to$9$ go to$4$ him, and grow to$9$ be$1$ a 01:0222;01[A ]| friend, and like a father to$4$ me, and help me do what I had to$9$ do$1$, so that Youdi 01:0222;01[A ]| would not be$1$ angry with me and would not punish me ! Yes, I let them spring 01:0222;01[A ]| within me and grow in strength, brighten and charm me with a thousand fancies, 01:0222;01[A ]| and then I swept them away, with a great disgusted sweep of all my being, I swept 01:0222;01[A ]| myself clean of them and surveyed with satisfaction the void they had polluted. 01:0222;01[A ]| And in the evening I turned to$4$ the lights of Bally, I watched them shine brighter 01:0222;01[A ]| and brighter, then all go out together, or nearly all, foul little flickering lights of 01:0222;01[A ]| terrified men. And I said, To$9$ think I might be$1$ there now, but for my misfortune! 01:0222;01[A ]| And with regard to$4$ the Obidil, of whom I have refrained from speaking, until 01:0222;01[A ]| now, and whom I so longed to$9$ see face to$4$ face, all I can say$1$ with regard to$4$ him is 01:0222;01[A ]| this, that I never saw him, either face to$4$ face or darkly, perhaps there is no such 01:0222;01[A ]| person, that would not greatly surprise me. And at the thought of the 01:0222;01[A ]| punishments Youdi might inflict upon me I was seized by such a mighty fit of 01:0222;01[A ]| laughter that I shook, with mighty silent laughter and my features composed in 01:0222;01[A ]| their wonted sadness and calm. But my whole body shook, and even my legs, so 01:0222;01[A ]| that I had to$9$ lean against a tree, or against a bush, when the fit came on me 01:0222;01[A ]| standing, my umbrella being no longer sufficient to$9$ keep me from falling. Strange 01:0222;01[A ]| laughter truly, and no doubt misnamed, through indolence perhaps, or 01:0222;01[A ]| ignorance. And as for myself, that unfailing pastime, I must say$1$ it was far now 01:0222;01[A ]| from my thoughts. But there were moments 01:0223;01[A ]| when it did not seem so far from me, when I seemed to$9$ be$1$ drawing towards it as 01:0223;01[A ]| the sands towards the wave, when it crests and whitens, though I must say$1$ this 01:0223;01[A ]| image hardly fitted my situation, which was rather that of the turd waiting for the 01:0223;01[A ]| flush. And I note here the little beat my heart once missed, in my home, when a 01:0223;01[A ]| fly, flying low above my ash-tray, raised a little ash, with the breath of its wings. 01:0223;01[A ]| And I grew gradually weaker and weaker and more and more content. For 01:0223;01[A ]| several days I had eaten nothing. I could probably have$1$ found blackberries and 01:0223;01[A ]| mushrooms, but I had no wish for them. I remained all day stretched out in the 01:0223;01[A ]| shelter, vaguely regretting my son's raincoat, and I crawled out in the evening to$9$ 01:0223;01[A ]| have$1$ a good laugh at the lights of Bally. And though suffering a little from wind 01:0223;01[A ]| and cramps in the stomach I felt extraordinarily content, content with myself, 01:0223;01[A ]| almost elated, enchanted with my performance. And I said, I shall soon lose 01:0223;01[A ]| consciousness altogether, it is merely a question of time. But Gaber's arrival put a 01:0223;01[A ]| stop to$4$ these frolics. 01:0223;00@@@@@| 01:0223;01[A ]| It was evening. I had just crawled out of the shelter for my evening 01:0223;01[A ]| guffaw and the better to$9$ savour my exhaustion. He had already been there for 01:0223;01[A ]| some time. He was sitting on a tree-stump, half asleep. Well Moran, he said. You 01:0223;01[A ]| recognize me? I said. He took out and opened his notebook, licked his finger, 01:0223;01[A ]| turned over the pages till he came to$4$ the right page, raised it towards his eyes 01:0223;01[A ]| which at the same time he lowered towards it. I can see nothing, he said. He was 01:0223;01[A ]| dressed as when I had last seen him. My strictures on his Sunday clothes had 01:0223;01[A ]| therefore been unjustified. Unless it was Sunday again. But had I not always seen 01:0223;01[A ]| him dressed in this 01:0224;01[A ]| way? Would you have$1$ a match? he said. I did not recognize this far-off voice. 01:0224;01[A ]| Or a torch, he said. He must have$1$ seen from my face that I possessed nothing of a 01:0224;01[A ]| luminous nature. He took a small electric torch from his pocket and shone it on 01:0224;01[A ]| his page. He read, Moran, Jacques, home, instanter. He put out his torch, closed 01:0224;01[A ]| his notebook on his finger and looked at me. I can not walk, I said. What? he said. 01:0224;01[A ]| I am sick, I can not move, I said. I can not hear a word you say, he said. I cried to$4$ him 01:0224;01[A ]| that I could not move, that I was sick, that I should have$1$ to$9$ be$1$ carried, that my 01:0224;01[A ]| son had abandoned me, that I could bear no more. He examined me laboriously 01:0224;01[A ]| from head to$4$ foot. I executed a few steps leaning on my umbrella to$9$ prove to$4$ him 01:0224;01[A ]| I could not walk. He opened his notebook again, shone the torch on his page, 01:0224;01[A ]| studied it at length and said, Moran, home, instanter. He closed his notebook, put 01:0224;01[A ]| it back in his pocket, put his lamp back in his pocket, stood up, drew his hands 01:0224;01[A ]| over his chest and announced he was dying of thirst. Not a word on how I was 01:0224;01[A ]| looking. And yet I had not shaved since the day my son brought back the bicycle 01:0224;01[A ]| from Hole, nor combed my hair, nor washed, not to$9$ mention all the privations I 01:0224;01[A ]| had suffered and the great inward metamorphoses. Do you recognize me? I cried. 01:0224;01[A ]| Do I recognize you? he said. He reflected. I knew what he was doing, he was 01:0224;01[A ]| searching for the phrase most apt to$9$ wound me. Ah Moran, he said, what a man ! 01:0224;01[A ]| I was staggering with weakness. If I had dropped dead at his feet he would have$1$ 01:0224;01[A ]| said, Ah poor old Moran, that is him all over. It was getting darker and darker. I 01:0224;01[A ]| wondered if it was really Gaber. Is he angry? I said. You would not have$1$ a sup of 01:0224;01[A ]| beer by any chance? 01:0225;01[A ]| he said. I am asking you if he is angry, I cried. Angry, said Gaber, do not make me 01:0225;01[A ]| laugh, he keeps rubbing his hands from morning to$4$ night, I can hear them in the 01:0225;01[A ]| outer room. That means nothing, I said. And chuckling to$4$ himself, said Gaber. He 01:0225;01[A ]| must be$1$ angry with me, I said. Do you know what he told me the other day? said 01:0225;01[A ]| Gaber. Has he changed? I cried. Changed, said Gaber, no he has not changed, why 01:0225;01[A ]| would he have$1$ changed, he is getting old, that is all, like the world. You have a 01:0225;01[A ]| queer voice this evening, I said. I do not think he heard me. Well, he said, 01:0225;01[A ]| drawing his hands once more over his chest, downwards, I will be$1$ going, if that is all 01:0225;01[A ]| you have to$9$ say$1$ to$4$ me. He went, without saying goodbye. But I overtook him, in 01:0225;01[A ]| spite of my loathing for him, in spite of my weakness and my sick leg, and held 01:0225;01[A ]| him back by the sleeve. What did he tell you? I said. He stopped. Moran, he said, 01:0225;01[A ]| you are beginning to$9$ give me a serious pain in the arse. For pity's sake, I said, tell 01:0225;01[A ]| me what he told you. He gave me a shove. I fell. He had not intended to$9$ make 01:0225;01[A ]| me fall, he did not realize the state I was in, he had only wanted to$9$ push me away. 01:0225;01[A ]| I did not try to$9$ get up. I let a roar. He came and bent over me. He had a walrus 01:0225;01[A ]| moustache, chestnut in colour. I saw it lift, the lips open, and almost at the same 01:0225;01[A ]| time I heard words of solicitude, at a great distance. He was not brutal, Gaber, I 01:0225;01[A ]| knew him well. Gaber, I said, it is not much I am asking you. I remember this scene 01:0225;01[A ]| well. He wanted to$9$ help me up. I pushed him away. I was all right where I was. 01:0225;01[A ]| What did he tell you? I said. I do not understand, said Gaber. You were saying a 01:0225;01[A ]| minute ago that he had told you something, I said, then I cut you short. Short? 01:0225;01[A ]| said Gaber. 01:0226;01[A ]| Do you know what he told me the other day, I said, those were your very words. 01:0226;01[A ]| His face lit up. The clod was just about as quick as my son. He said to$4$ me, said 01:0226;01[A ]| Gaber, Gaber, he said ~~. Louder ! I cried. He said to$4$ me, said Gaber, Gaber, he said, 01:0226;01[A ]| life is a thing of beauty, Gaber, and a joy for ever. He brought his face nearer 01:0226;01[A ]| mine. A joy for ever, he said, a thing of beauty, Moran, and a joy for ever. He 01:0226;01[A ]| smiled. I closed my eyes. Smiles are all very nice in their own way, very 01:0226;01[A ]| heartening, but at a reasonable distance. I said, Do you think he meant human 01:0226;01[A ]| life? I listened. Perhaps he did not mean human life, I said. I opened my eyes. I was 01:0226;01[A ]| alone. My hands were full of grass and earth I had torn up unwittingly, was still 01:0226;01[A ]| tearing up. I was literally uprooting. I desisted, yes, the second I realized what I 01:0226;01[A ]| had done, what I was doing, such a nasty thing, I desisted from it, I opened my 01:0226;01[A ]| hands, they were soon empty. 01:0226;01[A ]| That night I set out for home. I did not get far. But it was a start. It is the 01:0226;01[A ]| first step that counts. The second counts less. Each day saw me advance a little 01:0226;01[A ]| further. That last sentence is not clear, it does not say$1$ what I hoped it would. I 01:0226;01[A ]| counted at first by tens of steps. I stopped when I could go no further and I said, 01:0226;01[A ]| Bravo, that makes so many tens, so many more than yesterday. Then I counted by 01:0226;01[A ]| fifteens, by twenties and finally by fifties. Yes, in the end I could go fifty steps 01:0226;01[A ]| before having to$9$ stop, for rest, leaning on my faithful umbrella. In the beginning I 01:0226;01[A ]| must have$1$ strayed a little in Ballyba, if I really was in Ballyba. Then I followed 01:0226;01[A ]| more or less the same paths we had taken on the way out. But paths look 01:0226;01[A ]| different, when you go back along 01:0227;01[A ]| them. I ate, in obedience to$4$ the voice of reason, all that nature, the woods, the 01:0227;01[A ]| fields, the waters had to$9$ offer me in the way of edibles. I finished the morphine. 01:0227;01[A ]| It was in August, in September at the latest, that I was ordered home. It 01:0227;01[A ]| was Spring when I got there, I will not be$1$ more precise. I had therefore been all 01:0227;01[A ]| winter on the way. 01:0227;01[A ]| Anyone else would have$1$ lain down in the snow, firmly resolved never to$9$ 01:0227;01[A ]| rise again. Not I. I used to$9$ think that men would never get the better of me. I still 01:0227;01[A ]| think I am cleverer than things. There are men and there are things, to$4$ hell with 01:0227;01[A ]| animals. And with God. When a thing resists me, even if it is for my own good, it 01:0227;01[A ]| does not resist me long. This snow, for example. Though to$9$ tell the truth it lured 01:0227;01[A ]| me more than it resisted me. But in a sense it resisted me. That was enough. I 01:0227;01[A ]| vanquished it, grinding my teeth with joy, it is quite possible to$9$ grind one's 01:0227;01[A ]| incisors. I forged my way through it, towards what I would have$1$ called my ruin if 01:0227;01[A ]| I could have$1$ conceived what I had left to$9$ be$1$ ruined. Perhaps I have conceived it 01:0227;01[A ]| since, perhaps I have not done conceiving it, it takes time, one is bound to$9$ in 01:0227;01[A ]| time, I am bound to$9$. But on the way home, a prey to$4$ the malignancy of man and 01:0227;01[A ]| nature and my own failing flesh, I could not conceive it. My knee, allowance 01:0227;01[A ]| made for the dulling effects of habit, was neither more nor less painful than the 01:0227;01[A ]| first day. The disease, whatever it was, was dormant! How can such things be? 01:0227;01[A ]| But to$9$ return to$4$ the flies, I like to$9$ think of those that hatch out at the beginning of 01:0227;01[A ]| winter, within doors, and die shortly after. You see them crawling and fluttering 01:0227;01[A ]| in the warm corners, puny, sluggish, torpid, mute. That is you see a odd one 01:0227;01[A ]| now 01:0228;01[A ]| and then. They must die very young, without having been able to$9$ lay. You 01:0228;01[A ]| sweep them away, you push them into the dust-pan with the brush, without 01:0228;01[A ]| knowing. That is a strange race of flies. But I was succumbing to$4$ other affections, 01:0228;01[A ]| that is not the word, intestinal for the most part. I would have$1$ described them 01:0228;01[A ]| once, not now, I am sorry, it would have$1$ been worth reading. I shall merely say$1$ 01:0228;01[A ]| that no one else would have$1$ surmounted them, without help. But I ! Bent 01:0228;01[A ]| double, my free hand pressed to$4$ my belly, I advanced, and every now and then I 01:0228;01[A ]| let a roar, of triumph and distress. Certain mosses I consumed must have$1$ 01:0228;01[A ]| disagreed with me. I if I once made up my mind not to$9$ keep the hangman 01:0228;01[A ]| waiting, the bloody flux itself would not stop me, I would get there on all fours 01:0228;01[A ]| shitting out my entrails and chanting maledictions. Did not I tell you it is my 01:0228;01[A ]| brethren that have done for me. 01:0228;01[A ]| But I shall not dwell upon this journey home, its furies and treacheries. 01:0228;01[A ]| And I shall pass over in silence the fiends in human shape and the phantoms of 01:0228;01[A ]| the dead that tried to$9$ prevent me from getting home, in obedience to$4$ Youdi's 01:0228;01[A ]| command. But one or two words nevertheless, for my own edification and to$9$ 01:0228;01[A ]| prepare my soul to$9$ make a end. To$9$ begin with my rare thoughts. 01:0228;01[A ]| Certain questions of a theological nature preoccupied me strangely. As for 01:0228;01[A ]| example. 01:0228;01[A ]| 1. What value is to$9$ be$1$ attached to$4$ the theory that Eve sprang, not from 01:0228;01[A ]| Adam's rib, but from a tumour in the fat of his leg (arse?)? 01:0228;01[A ]| 2. Did the serpent crawl or, as Comestor affirms, walk upright? 01:0229;01[A ]| 3. Did Mary conceive through the ear, as Augustine and Adobard assert? 01:0229;01[A ]| 4. How much longer are we to$9$ hang about waiting for the antechrist? 01:0229;01[A ]| 5. Does it really matter which hand is employed to$9$ absterge the podex? 01:0229;01[A ]| 6. What is one to$9$ think of the Irish oath sworn by the natives with the 01:0229;01[A ]| right hand on the relics of the saints and the left on the virile member? 01:0229;01[A ]| 7. Does nature observe the sabbath? 01:0229;01[A ]| 8. Is it true that the devils do not feel the pains of hell? 01:0229;01[A ]| 9. The algebraic theology of Craig. What is one to$9$ think of this? 01:0229;01[A ]| 10. Is it true that the infant Saint-Roch refused suck on Wednesdays and 01:0229;01[A ]| Fridays? 01:0229;01[A ]| 11. What is one to$9$ think of the excommunication of vermin in the 01:0229;01[A ]| sixteenth century? 01:0229;01[A ]| 12. Is one to$9$ approve of the Italian cobbler Lovat who, having cut off his 01:0229;01[A ]| testicles, crucified himself? 01:0229;01[A ]| 13. What was God doing with himself before the creation? 01:0229;01[A ]| 14. Might not the beatific vision become a source of boredom, in the long 01:0229;01[A ]| run? 01:0229;01[A ]| 15. Is it true that Judas' torments are suspended on Saturdays? 01:0229;01[A ]| 16. What if the mass for the dead were read over the living? 01:0229;00@@@@@| 01:0229;01[A ]| And I recited the pretty quietist Pater, Our Father who art no more in heaven 01:0229;01[A ]| than on earth or in hell, I neither want nor desire that thy name be$1$ hallowed, 01:0229;01[A ]| thou knowest best what suits thee. Etc. The middle and the end are very pretty. 01:0230;01[A ]| It was in this frivolous and charming world that I took refuge, when my 01:0230;01[A ]| cup ran over. 01:0230;01[A ]| But I asked myself other questions concerning me perhaps more closely. 01:0230;01[A ]| As for example. 01:0230;01[A ]| 1. Why had I not borrowed a few shillings from Gaber? 01:0230;01[A ]| 2. Why had I obeyed the order to$9$ go home? 01:0230;01[A ]| 3. What had become of Molloy? 01:0230;01[A ]| 4. Same question for me. 01:0230;01[A ]| 5. What would become of me? 01:0230;01[A ]| 6. Same questions for my son. 01:0230;01[A ]| 7. Was his mother in heaven? 01:0230;01[A ]| 8. Same question for my mother. 01:0230;01[A ]| 9. Would I go to$4$ heaven? 01:0230;01[A ]| 10. Would we all meet again in heaven one day, I, my mother, my son, his 01:0230;01[A ]| mother, Youdi, Gaber, Molloy, his mother, Yerk, Murphy, Watt, Camier and the 01:0230;01[A ]| rest? 01:0230;01[A ]| 11. What had become of my hens, my bees? Was my grey hen still living? 01:0230;01[A ]| 12. Zulu, the Elsner sisters, were they still living? 01:0230;01[A ]| 13. Was Youdi's business address still 8, Acacia Square? What if I wrote to$4$ 01:0230;01[A ]| him? What if I went to$9$ see him? I would explain to$4$ him. What would I explain 01:0230;01[A ]| to$4$ him? I would crave his forgiveness. Forgiveness for what? 01:0230;01[A ]| 14. Was not the winter exceptionally severe? 01:0230;01[A ]| 15. How long had I gone now without either confession or communion? 01:0230;01[A ]| 16. What was the name of the martyr who, being in prison, loaded with 01:0230;01[A ]| chains, covered with wounds and vermin, unable to$9$ stir celebrated the 01:0230;01[A ]| consecration on his stomach and gave himself absolution? 01:0231;01[A ]| 17. What would I do until my death? Was there no means of hastening 01:0231;01[A ]| this, without falling into a state of sin? 01:0231;01[A ]| But before I launch my body properly so-called across these icy, then, with 01:0231;01[A ]| the thaw, muddy solitudes, I wish to$9$ say$1$ that I often thought of my bees, more 01:0231;01[A ]| often than of my hens. and God knows I thought often of my hens. And I 01:0231;01[A ]| thought above all of their dance, for my bees danced. oh not as men dance, to$9$ 01:0231;01[A ]| amuse themselves, but in a different way. I alone of all mankind knew this, to$4$ 01:0231;01[A ]| the best of my belief. I had investigated this phenomenon very fully. The dance 01:0231;01[A ]| was best to$9$ be$1$ observed among the bees returning to$4$ the hive, laden more or less 01:0231;01[A ]| with nectar, and it involved a great variety of figures and rhythms. These 01:0231;01[A ]| evolutions I finally interpreted as a system of signals by means of which the 01:0231;01[A ]| incoming bees, satisfied or dissatisfied with their plunder, informed the outgoing 01:0231;01[A ]| bees in what direction to$9$ go, and in what not to$9$ go. But the outgoing bees danced 01:0231;01[A ]| too. It was no doubt their way of saying, I understand, or, Do not worry about me. 01:0231;01[A ]| But away from the hive, and busily at work, the bees did not dance. Here their 01:0231;01[A ]| watchword seemed to$9$ be, Every man for himself, assuming bees to$9$ be$1$ capable of 01:0231;01[A ]| such notions. The most striking feature of the dance was its very complicated 01:0231;01[A ]| figures, traced in flight, and I had classified a great number of these, with their 01:0231;01[A ]| probable meanings. But there was also the question of the hum, so various in 01:0231;01[A ]| tone in the vicinity of the hive that this could hardly be$1$ a effect of chance. I first 01:0231;01[A ]| concluded that each figure was reinforced by means of a hum peculliar to$4$ it. But I 01:0231;01[A ]| was forced to$9$ abandon this agreeable hypothesis. For I saw the same figure (at 01:0231;01[A ]| least what I 01:0232;01[A ]| called the same figure) accompanied by very different hums. So that I said, The 01:0232;01[A ]| purpose of the hum is not to$9$ emphasize the dance, but on the contrary to$9$ vary it. 01:0232;01[A ]| And the same figure exactly differs in meaning according to$4$ the hum that goes 01:0232;01[A ]| with it. And I had collected and classified a great number of observations on this 01:0232;01[A ]| subject, with gratifying results. But there was to$9$ be$1$ considered not only the figure 01:0232;01[A ]| and the hum, but also the height at which the figure was executed. And I acquired 01:0232;01[A ]| the conviction that the selfsame figure, accompanied by the selfsame hum, did 01:0232;01[A ]| not mean at all the same thing at twelve feet from the ground as it did at six. For 01:0232;01[A ]| the bees did not dance at any level, haphazard, but there were three or four levels, 01:0232;01[A ]| always the same, at which they danced. And if I were to$9$ tell you what these levels 01:0232;01[A ]| were, and what the relations between them, for I had measured them with care, 01:0232;01[A ]| you would not believe me. And this is not the moment to$9$ jeopardize my credit. 01:0232;01[A ]| Sometimes you would think I was writing for the public. And in spite of all the 01:0232;01[A ]| pains I had lavished on these problems, I was more than ever stupefied by the 01:0232;01[A ]| complexity of this innumerable dance, involving doubtless other determinants of 01:0232;01[A ]| which I had not the slightest idea. And I said, with rapture, Here is something I 01:0232;01[A ]| can study all my life, and never understand. And all during this long journey 01:0232;01[A ]| home, when I racked my mind for a little joy in store, the thought of my bees and 01:0232;01[A ]| their dance was the nearest thing to$4$ comfort. For I was still eager for my little joy, 01:0232;01[A ]| from time to$4$ time! And I admitted with good grace the possibility that this dance 01:0232;01[A ]| was after all no better than the dances of the people of the West, frivolous and 01:0232;01[A ]| meaningless. But for me, sitting near my sun 01:0233;01[A ]| drenched hives, it would always be$1$ a noble thing to$9$ contemplate, too noble ever 01:0233;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ sullied by the cogitations of a man like me, exiled in his manhood. And I 01:0233;01[A ]| would never do$1$ my bees the wrong I had done my God, to$4$ whom I had been 01:0233;01[A ]| taught to$9$ ascribe my angers, fears, desires, and even my body. 01:0233;01[A ]| I have spoken of a voice giving me orders, or rather advice. It was on the 01:0233;01[A ]| way home I heard it for the first time. I paid no attention to$4$ it. 01:0233;01[A ]| Physically speaking it seemed to$4$ me I was now becoming rapidly 01:0233;01[A ]| unrecognizable. And when I passed my hands over my face, in a characteristic 01:0233;01[A ]| and now more than ever pardonable gesture, the face my hands felt was not my 01:0233;01[A ]| face any more, and the hands my face felt were my hands no longer. And yet the 01:0233;01[A ]| gist of the sensation was the same as in the far-off days when I was well-shaven 01:0233;01[A ]| and perfumed and proud of my intellectual's soft white hands. And this belly I 01:0233;01[A ]| did not know remained my belly, my old belly, thanks to$4$ I know not what 01:0233;01[A ]| intuition. And to$9$ tell the truth I not only knew who I was, but I had a sharper and 01:0233;01[A ]| clearer sense of my identity than ever before, in spite of its deep lesions and the 01:0233;01[A ]| wounds with which it was covered. And from this point of view I was less 01:0233;01[A ]| fortunate than my other acquaintances. I am sorry if this last phrase is not so 01:0233;01[A ]| happy as it might be. It deserved, who knows, to$9$ be$1$ without ambiguity. 01:0233;01[A ]| Then there are the clothes that cleave so close to$4$ the body and are so to$9$ 01:0233;01[A ]| speak inseparable from it, in time of peace. Yes, I have always been very sensitive 01:0233;01[A ]| to$4$ clothing, though not in the least a dandy. I had not to$9$ complain of mine, tough 01:0233;01[A ]| and of good cut. I was of course inadequately covered, but whose fault was that? 01:0233;01[A ]| And I had 01:0234;01[A ]| to$9$ part with my straw, not made to$9$ resist the rigours of winter, and with my 01:0234;01[A ]| stockings (two pairs) which the cold and damp, the trudging and the lack of 01:0234;01[A ]| laundering facilities had literally annihilated. But I let out my braces to$4$ their 01:0234;01[A ]| fullest extent and my knickerbockers, very baggy as the fashion is, came down to$4$ 01:0234;01[A ]| my calves. And at the sight of the blue flesh, between the knickerbockers and the 01:0234;01[A ]| tops of my boots, I sometimes thought of my son and the blow I had fetched him, 01:0234;01[A ]| so avid is the mind of the flimsiest analogy. My boots became rigid, from lack of 01:0234;01[A ]| proper care. So skin defends itself, when dead and tanned. The air coursed 01:0234;01[A ]| through them freely, preserving perhaps my feet from freezing. And I had 01:0234;01[A ]| likewise sadly to$9$ part with my drawers (two pairs). They had rotted, from constant 01:0234;01[A ]| contact with my incontinences. Then the seat of my breeches, before it too 01:0234;01[A ]| decomposed, sawed my crack from Dan to$4$ Beersheba. What else did I have to$9$ 01:0234;01[A ]| discard? My shirt? Never! But I often wore it inside out and back to$4$ front. Let me 01:0234;01[A ]| see. I had four ways of wearing my shirt. Front to$4$ front right side out, front to$4$ 01:0234;01[A ]| front inside out, back to$4$ front right side out, back to$4$ front inside out. And the fifth 01:0234;01[A ]| day I began again. It was in the hope of making it last. Did this make it last? I do 01:0234;01[A ]| not know. It lasted. To$4$ major things the surest road is on the minor pains 01:0234;01[A ]| bestowed, if you do not happen to$9$ be$1$ in a hurry. But what else did I have to$9$ 01:0234;01[A ]| discard? My hard collars, yes, I discarded them all, and even before they were 01:0234;01[A ]| quite worn and torn. But I kept my tie, I even wore it, knotted round my bare 01:0234;01[A ]| neck, out of sheer bravado I suppose. It was a spotted tie, but I forget the colour. 01:0234;01[A ]| When it rained, when it snowed, when it hailed, 01:0235;01[A ]| then I round myself raced with the following dilemma. Was I to$9$ go on leaning 01:0235;01[A ]| on my umbrella and get drenched or was I to$9$ stop and take shelter under my 01:0235;01[A ]| open umbrella? It was a false dilemma, as so many dilemmas are. For on the one 01:0235;01[A ]| hand all that remained of the canopy of my umbrella was a few flitters of silk 01:0235;01[A ]| fluttering from the stays and on the other I could have$1$ gone on, very slowly, 01:0235;01[A ]| using the umbrella no longer as a support, but as a shelter. But I was so 01:0235;01[A ]| accustomed, on the one hand to$4$ the perfect watertightness of my expensive 01:0235;01[A ]| umbrella, and on the other hand to$4$ being unable to$9$ walk without its support, 01:0235;01[A ]| that the dilemma remained entire, for me. I could of course have$1$ made myself a 01:0235;01[A ]| stick, out of a branch, and gone on, in spite of the rain, the snow, the hail, leaning 01:0235;01[A ]| on the stick and the umbrella open above me. But I did not, I do not know why. 01:0235;01[A ]| But when the rain descended, and the other things that descend upon us from 01:0235;01[A ]| above, sometimes I pushed on, leaning on the umbrella, getting drenched, but 01:0235;01[A ]| most often I stopped dead, opened the umbrella above me and waited for it to$9$ be$1$ 01:0235;01[A ]| over. Then I got equally drenched. But that was not the point. And if it had 01:0235;01[A ]| suddenly begun to$9$ rain manna I would have$1$ waited, stock still, under my 01:0235;01[A ]| umbrella, for it to$9$ be$1$ over, before taking advantage of it. And when my arm was 01:0235;01[A ]| weary of holding up the umbrella, then I gave it to$4$ the other hand. And with my 01:0235;01[A ]| free hand I slapped and rubbed every part of my body within its reach, in order to$9$ 01:0235;01[A ]| keep the blood trickling freely, or I drew it over my face, in a gesture that was 01:0235;01[A ]| characteristic, of me. And the long spike of my umbrella was like a finger. My best 01:0235;01[A ]| thoughts came to$4$ me during these halts. But when it was clear that the rain, etc., 01:0235;01[A ]| would not stop all day. 01:0236;01[A ]| or all night, then I did the sensible thing and built myself a proper shelter. But I 01:0236;01[A ]| did not like proper shelters, made of boughs, any more. For soon there were no 01:0236;01[A ]| more leaves, but only the needles of certain conifers. But this was not the real 01:0236;01[A ]| reason why I did not like proper shelters any more, no. But when I was inside 01:0236;01[A ]| them I could think of nothing but my son's raincoat, I literally saw it, I saw 01:0236;01[A ]| nothing else, it filled all space. It was in reality what our English friends call a 01:0236;01[A ]| trench-coat, and I could smell the rubber, though trench-coats are not rubberized 01:0236;01[A ]| as a rule. So I avoided as far as possible having recourse to$4$ proper shelters, made 01:0236;01[A ]| of boughs, preferring the shelter of my faithful umbrella, or of a tree, or of a 01:0236;01[A ]| hedge, or of a bush, or of a ruin. 01:0236;00@@@@@| 01:0236;01[A ]| The thought of taking to$4$ the road, to$9$ try and get a lift, never crossed my 01:0236;01[A ]| mind. 01:0236;01[A ]| The thought of turning for help to$4$ the villages, to$4$ the peasants, would 01:0236;01[A ]| have$1$ displeased me, if it had occurred to$4$ me. 01:0236;01[A ]| I reached home with my fifteen shillings intact. No, I spent two. This is 01:0236;01[A ]| how. 01:0236;01[A ]| I had to$9$ suffer other molestations than this, other offences, but I shall not 01:0236;01[A ]| record them. Let us be$1$ content with paradigms. I may have$1$ to$9$ suffer others in the 01:0236;01[A ]| future. This is not certain. But they will never be$1$ known. This is certain. 01:0236;01[A ]| It was evening. I was waiting quietly, under my umbrella, for the weather 01:0236;01[A ]| to$9$ clear, when I was brutally accosted from behind. I had heard nothing. I had 01:0236;01[A ]| been in a place where I was all alone. A hand turned me about. It was a big ruddy 01:0236;01[A ]| farmer. He was wearing a oilskin, a bowler hat and wellingtons. His chubby 01:0237;01[A ]| cheeks were streaming, the water was dripping from his bushy moustache. But 01:0237;01[A ]| why describe him? We glared at each other with hatred. Perhaps he was the same 01:0237;01[A ]| who had so politely offered to$9$ drive us home in his car. I think not. And yet his 01:0237;01[A ]| face was familiar. Not only his face. He held a lantern in his hand. It was not lit. 01:0237;01[A ]| But he might light it at any moment. In the other he held a spade. To$9$ bury me 01:0237;01[A ]| with if necessary. He seized me by the jacket, by the lapel. He had not yet begun to$9$ 01:0237;01[A ]| shake me exactly, he would shake me in his own good time, not before. He 01:0237;01[A ]| merely cursed me. I wondered what I could have$1$ done, to$9$ put him in such a state. 01:0237;01[A ]| I must have$1$ raised my eyebrows. But I always raise my eyebrows, they are almost 01:0237;01[A ]| in my hair, my brow is nothing but wales and furrows. I understood finally that I 01:0237;01[A ]| did not own the land. It was his land. What was I doing on his land? If there is 01:0237;01[A ]| one question I dread, to$4$ which I have never been able to$9$ invent a satisfactory 01:0237;01[A ]| reply, it is the question what am I doing. And on someone else's land to$9$ make 01:0237;01[A ]| things worse! And at night! And in weather not fit for a dog! But I did not lose 01:0237;01[A ]| my presence of mind. It is a vow. I said. I have a fairly distinguished voice, when 01:0237;01[A ]| I choose. It must have$1$ impressed him. He unhanded me. A pilgrimage, I said, 01:0237;01[A ]| following up my advantage. He asked me where to$4$. He was lost. To$4$ the Turdy 01:0237;01[A ]| Madonna, I said. The Turdy Madonna? he said, as if he knew Turdy like the back 01:0237;01[A ]| of his hand and there were no Madonna in the length and breadth of it. But 01:0237;01[A ]| where is the place in which there is no Madonna? Herself, I said. The black one? 01:0237;01[A ]| he said, to$9$ try me. She is not black that I know of, I said. Another would have$1$ lost 01:0237;01[A ]| countenance. Not I. I knew my yokels and 01:0238;01[A ]| their weak points. You will never get there, he said. It is thanks to$4$ her$6$ I lost my 01:0238;01[A ]| infant boy, I said, and kept his mamma. Such sentiments could not fail to$9$ please a 01:0238;01[A ]| cattle breeder. Had he but known! I told him more fully what alas had never 01:0238;01[A ]| happened. Not that I miss Ninette. But she, at least, who knows, in any case, yes, 01:0238;01[A ]| a pity, no matter. She is the Madonna of pregnant women, I said, of pregnant 01:0238;01[A ]| married women, and I have vowed to$9$ drag myself miserably to$4$ her$2$ niche, and 01:0238;01[A ]| thank her$6$. This incident gives but a feeble idea of my ability, even at this late 01:0238;01[A ]| period. But I had gone a little too far, for the vicious look came back into his eye. 01:0238;01[A ]| May I ask you a favour, I said, God will reward you. I added, God sent you to$4$ me, 01:0238;01[A ]| this evening. Humbly to$9$ ask a favour of people who are on the point of knocking 01:0238;01[A ]| your brains out sometimes produces good results. A little hot tea, I implored, 01:0238;01[A ]| without sugar or milk, to$9$ revive me. To$9$ grant such a small favour to$4$ a pilgrim on 01:0238;01[A ]| the rocks was frankly a temptation difficult to$9$ resist. Oh all right, he said, come 01:0238;01[A ]| back to$4$ the house, you can dry yourself, before the fire. But I can not, I can not, I 01:0238;01[A ]| cried, I have sworn to$9$ make a bee-line to$4$ her$6$! And to$9$ efface the bad impression 01:0238;01[A ]| created by these words I took a florin from my pocket and gave it to$4$ him. For your 01:0238;01[A ]| poor-box, I said. And I added, because of the dark, A florin for your poor-box. It is a 01:0238;01[A ]| long way, he said. God will go with you, I said. He thought it over. Well he 01:0238;01[A ]| might. Above all nothing to$9$ eat, I said, no really, I must not eat. Ah Moran, wily 01:0238;01[A ]| as a serpent, there was never the like of old Moran. Of course I would have$1$ 01:0238;01[A ]| preferred violence, but I dared not take the risk. Finally he took himself off telling 01:0238;01[A ]| me to$9$ stay where I was. I do 01:0239;01[A ]| not know what was in his mind. When I judged him at a safe remove I closed 01:0239;01[A ]| the umbrella and set off in the opposite direction, at right angles to$4$ the way I was 01:0239;01[A ]| going, in the driving rain. That was how I spent a florin. 01:0239;01[A ]| Now I may make a end. 01:0239;01[A ]| I skirted the graveyard. It was night. Midnight perhaps. The lane is steep, I 01:0239;01[A ]| laboured. A little wind was chasing the clouds over the faint sky. It is a great thing 01:0239;01[A ]| to$9$ own a plot in perpetuity, a very great thing indeed. If only that were the only 01:0239;01[A ]| perpetuity. I came to$4$ the wicket. It was locked. Very properly. But I could not open 01:0239;01[A ]| it. The key went into the hole, but would not turn. Long disuse? A new lock? I 01:0239;01[A ]| burst it open. I drew back to$4$ the other side of the lane and hurled myself at it. I 01:0239;01[A ]| had come home, as Youdi had commanded me. In the end I got to$4$ my feet. What 01:0239;01[A ]| smelt so sweet? The lilacs? The primroses perhaps. I went towards my hives. 01:0239;01[A ]| They were there, as I feared. I lifted the top off one and laid it on the ground. It 01:0239;01[A ]| was a little roof, with a sharp ridge, and steep overhanging slopes. I put my hand 01:0239;01[A ]| in the hive, moved it among the empty trays, felt along the bottom. It 01:0239;01[A ]| encountered, in a corner, a dry light ball. It crumbled under my fingers. They had 01:0239;01[A ]| clustered together for a little warmth, to$9$ try and sleep. I took out a handful. It was 01:0239;01[A ]| too dark to$9$ see, I put it in my pocket. It weighed nothing. They had been left out 01:0239;01[A ]| all winter, their honey taken away, without sugar. Yes, now I may make a end. I 01:0239;01[A ]| did not go to$4$ the hen-house. My hens were dead too, I knew they were dead. 01:0239;01[A ]| They had not been killed in the same way, except the grey one perhaps, that was 01:0239;01[A ]| the only difference. My bees, my hens, I had deserted them 01:0240;01[A ]| I went towards the house. It was in darkness. The door was locked. I burst it 01:0240;01[A ]| open. Perhaps I could have$1$ opened it, with one of my keys. I turned the switch. 01:0240;01[A ]| No light. I went to$4$ the kitchen, to$4$ Martha's room. No one. There is nothing more 01:0240;01[A ]| to$9$ tell. The house was empty. The company had cut off the light. They have 01:0240;01[A ]| offered to$9$ let me have$1$ it back. But I told them they could keep it. That is the kind 01:0240;01[A ]| of man I have become. I went back to$4$ the garden. The next day I looked at my 01:0240;01[A ]| handful of bees. A little dust of annulets and wings. I found some letters, at the 01:0240;01[A ]| foot of the stairs, in the box. A letter from Savory. My son was well. He would be. 01:0240;01[A ]| Let us hear no more about him. He has come back. He is sleeping. A letter from 01:0240;01[A ]| Youdi, in the third person, asking for a report. He will get his report. It is summer 01:0240;01[A ]| again. This time a year ago I was setting out. I am clearing out. One day I received 01:0240;01[A ]| a visit from Gaber. He wanted the report. That is funny, I thought I was done with 01:0240;01[A ]| people and talk. Call back, I said. One day I received a visit from Father Ambrose. 01:0240;01[A ]| Is it possible! he said when he saw me. I think he really liked me, in his own way. 01:0240;01[A ]| I told him not to$9$ count on me any more. He began to$9$ talk. He was right. Who is 01:0240;01[A ]| not right? I left him. I am clearing out. Perhaps I shall meet Molloy. My knee is 01:0240;01[A ]| no better. It is no worse either. I have crutches now. I shall go faster, all will go 01:0240;01[A ]| faster. They will be$1$ happy days. I shall learn. All there was to$9$ sell I have sold. But I 01:0240;01[A ]| had heavy debts. I have been a man long enough, I shall not put up with it any 01:0240;01[A ]| more, I shall not try any more. I shall never light this lamp again. I am going to$9$ 01:0240;01[A ]| blow it out and go into the garden. I think of the long 01:0241;01[A ]| May days, June days, when I lived in the garden. One day I talked to$4$ Hannah. 01:0241;01[A ]| She gave me news of Zulu, of the Elsner sisters. She knew who I was, she was not 01:0241;01[A ]| afraid of me. She never went out, she disliked going out. She talked to$4$ me from 01:0241;01[A ]| her$2$ window. The news was bad, but might have$1$ been worse. There was a right 01:0241;01[A ]| side. They were lovely days. The winter had been exceptionally rigorous, 01:0241;01[A ]| everybody said so. We had therefore a right to$4$ this superb summer. I do not know 01:0241;01[A ]| if we had a right to$4$ it. My birds had not been killed. They were wild birds. And yet 01:0241;01[A ]| quite trusting. I recognized them and they seemed to$9$ recognize me. But one 01:0241;01[A ]| never knows. Some were missing and some were new. I tried to$9$ understand their 01:0241;01[A ]| language better. Without having recourse to$4$ mine. They were the longest, 01:0241;01[A ]| loveliest days of all the year. I lived in the garden. I have spoken of a voice telling 01:0241;01[A ]| me things. I was getting to$9$ know it better now, to$9$ understand what it wanted. It 01:0241;01[A ]| did not use the words that Moran had been taught when he was little and that he 01:0241;01[A ]| in his turn had taught to$4$ his little one. So that at first I did not know what it 01:0241;01[A ]| wanted. But in the end I understood this language. I understood it, I understand 01:0241;01[A ]| it, all wrong perhaps. That is not what matters. It told me to$9$ write the report. Does 01:0241;01[A ]| this mean I am freer now than I was? I do not know. I shall learn. Then I went 01:0241;01[A ]| back into the house and wrote, It is midnight. The rain is beating on the 01:0241;01[A ]| windows. It was not midnight. It was not raining.