03:0003;01@@@@@| 03:0003;01[A ]| Where now? Who now? When now? Unquestioning. I, say I. Unbelieving. 03:0003;02[A ]| Questions, hypotheses, call them that. Keep going, going on, call that going, call 03:0003;03[A ]| that on. Can it be$1$ that one day, off it goes on, that one day I simply stayed in, in 03:0003;04[A ]| where, instead of going out, in the old way, out to$9$ spend day and night as far away 03:0003;05[A ]| as possible, it was not far. Perhaps that is how it began. You think you are simply 03:0003;06[A ]| resting, the better to$9$ act when the time comes, or for no reason, and you soon find 03:0003;07[A ]| yourself powerless ever to$9$ do$1$ anything again. No matter how it happened. It, say 03:0003;08[A ]| it, not knowing what. Perhaps I simply assented at last to$4$ a old thing. But I did 03:0003;09[A ]| nothing. I seem to$9$ speak, it is not I, about me, it is not about me. These few 03:0003;10[A ]| general remarks to$9$ begin with. What am I to$9$ do$1$, what shall I do$1$, what should I 03:0003;11[A ]| do$1$, in my situation, how proceed? By aporia pure and simple? Or by affirmations 03:0003;12[A ]| and negations invalidated as uttered, or sooner or later? Generally speaking. 03:0003;13[A ]| There 03:0004;01[A ]| must be$1$ other shifts. Otherwise it would be$1$ quite hopeless. But it is quite 03:0004;01[A ]| hopeless. I should mention before going any further, any further on, that I say 03:0004;01[A ]| aporia without knowing what it means. Can one be$1$ ephectic otherwise than 03:0004;01[A ]| unawares? I do not know. With the yesses and noes it is different, they will come 03:0004;01[A ]| back to$4$ me as I go along and how, like a bird, to$9$ shit on them all without 03:0004;01[A ]| exception. The fact would seem to$9$ be$1$, if in my situation one may speak of facts, 03:0004;01[A ]| not only that I shall have$1$ to$9$ speak of things of which I can not speak, but also, 03:0004;01[A ]| which is even more interesting, but also that I, which is if possible even more 03:0004;01[A ]| interesting, that I shall have$1$ to$9$, I forget, no matter. And at the same time I am 03:0004;01[A ]| obliged to$9$ speak. I shall never be$1$ silent. Never. 03:0004;01[A ]| I shall not be$1$ alone, in the beginning. I am of course alone. Alone. That is soon 03:0004;01[A ]| said. Things have to$9$ be$1$ soon said. And how can one be$1$ sure, in such darkness? I 03:0004;01[A ]| shall have$1$ company. In the beginning. A few puppets. Then I will scatter them, to$4$ 03:0004;01[A ]| the winds, if I can. And things, what is the correct attitude to$9$ adopt towards 03:0004;01[A ]| things? And, to$9$ begin with, are they necessary? What a question. But I have few 03:0004;01[A ]| illusions, things are to$9$ be$1$ expected. The best is not to$9$ decide anything, in this 03:0004;01[A ]| connexion, in advance. If a thing turns up, for some reason or another, take it 03:0004;01[A ]| into consideration. Where there are people, it is said, there are things. Does this 03:0004;01[A ]| mean that when you admit the former you must also admit the latter? Time will 03:0004;01[A ]| tell. The thing to$9$ avoid, I do not know why, is the spirit of system. People with 03:0004;01[A ]| things, people without things, things without people, 03:0005;01[A ]| what does it matter, I flatter myself it will not take me long to$9$ scatter them, 03:0005;01[A ]| whenever I choose, to$4$ the winds. I do not see how. The best would be$1$ not to begin. 03:0005;01[A ]| But I have to$9$ begin. That is to$9$ say$1$ I have to$9$ go on. Perhaps in the end I shall 03:0005;01[A ]| smother in a throng. Incessant comings and goings, the crush and bustle of a 03:0005;01[A ]| bargain sale. No, no danger. Of that. 03:0005;01[A ]| Malone is there. Of his mortal liveliness little trace remains. He passes before 03:0005;01[A ]| me at doubtless regular intervals, unless it is I who pass before him. No, once and 03:0005;01[A ]| for all, I do not move. He passes, motionless. But there will not be$1$ much on the 03:0005;01[A ]| subject of Malone, from whom there is nothing further to$9$ be$1$ hoped. Personally I 03:0005;01[A ]| do not intend to$9$ be$1$ bored. It was while watching him pass that I wondered if we 03:0005;01[A ]| cast a shadow. Impossible to$9$ say$1$. He passes close by me, a few feet away, slowly, 03:0005;01[A ]| always in the same direction. I am almost sure it is he. The brimless hat seems to$4$ 03:0005;01[A ]| me conclusive. With his two hands he props up his jaw. He passes without a 03:0005;01[A ]| word. Perhaps he does not see me. One of these days I will challenge him. I will say$1$, I 03:0005;01[A ]| do not know, I will say$1$ something, I will think of something when the time comes. 03:0005;01[A ]| There are no days here, but I use the expression. I see him from the waist up, he 03:0005;01[A ]| stops at the waist, as far as I am concerned. The trunk is erect. But I do not know 03:0005;01[A ]| whether he is on his feet or on his knees. He might also be$1$ seated. I see him in 03:0005;01[A ]| profile. Sometimes I wonder if it is not Molloy. Perhaps it is Molloy, wearing 03:0005;01[A ]| Malone's hat. But it is more reasonable to$9$ suppose it is Malone, wearing his own 03:0005;01[A ]| hat. Oh look, there is the first thing, Malone's hat. I see no other clothes. Perhaps 03:0005;01[A ]| Molloy is 03:0006;01[A ]| not here at all. Could he be$1$, without my knowledge? The place is no doubt vast. 03:0006;01[A ]| Dim intermittent lights suggest a kind of distance. To$9$ tell the truth I believe they 03:0006;01[A ]| are all here, at least from Murphy on, I believe we are all here, but so far I have 03:0006;01[A ]| only seen Malone. Another hypothesis, they were here, but are here no longer. I 03:0006;01[A ]| shall examine it after my fashion. Are there other pits, deeper down? To$4$ which 03:0006;01[A ]| one accedes by mine? Stupid obsession with depth. Are there other places set 03:0006;01[A ]| aside for us and this one where I am, with Malone, merely their narthex? I 03:0006;01[A ]| thought I had done with preliminaries. No no, we have all been here for ever, 03:0006;01[A ]| we shall all be$1$ here forever, I know it. 03:0006;01[A ]| No more questions. Is not this rather the place where one finishes vanishing? 03:0006;01[A ]| Will the day come when Malone will pass before me no more? Will the day 03:0006;01[A ]| come when Malone will pass before the spot where I was? Will the day come 03:0006;01[A ]| when another will pass before me, before the spot where I was? I have no 03:0006;01[A ]| opinion, on these matters. 03:0006;01[A ]| Were I not devoid of feeling his beard would fill me with pity. It hangs down, 03:0006;01[A ]| on either side of his chin, in two twists of unequal length. Was there a time when 03:0006;01[A ]| I too revolved thus? No, I have always been sitting here, at this selfsame spot, my 03:0006;01[A ]| hands on my knees, gazing before me like a great horn-owl in a aviary. The 03:0006;01[A ]| tears stream down my cheeks from my unblinking eyes. What makes me weep 03:0006;01[A ]| so? From time to$4$ time. There is nothing saddening here. Perhaps it is liquefied 03:0006;01[A ]| brain. Past happiness in any case has clean gone from 03:0007;01[A ]| my memory, assuming it was ever there. If I accomplish other natural 03:0007;01[A ]| functions it is unawares. Nothing ever troubles me. And yet I am troubled. 03:0007;01[A ]| Nothing has ever changed since I have been here. But I dare not infer from this 03:0007;01[A ]| that nothing ever will change. Let us try and see where these considerations lead. 03:0007;01[A ]| I have been here, ever since I began to$9$ be$1$, my appearances elsewhere having been 03:0007;01[A ]| put in by other parties. All has proceeded, all this time, in the utmost calm, the 03:0007;01[A ]| most perfect order, apart from one or two manifestations the meaning of which 03:0007;01[A ]| escapes me. No, it is not that their meaning escapes me, my own escapes me just 03:0007;01[A ]| as much. Here all things, no, I shall not say$1$ it, being unable to$9$. I owe my existence 03:0007;01[A ]| to$4$ no one, these faint fires are not of those that illuminate or burn. Going 03:0007;01[A ]| nowhere, coming from nowhere, Malone passes. These notions of forbears, of 03:0007;01[A ]| houses where lamps are lit at night, and other such, where do they come to$4$ me 03:0007;01[A ]| from? And all these questions I ask myself. It is not in a spirit of curiosity. I 03:0007;01[A ]| can not be$1$ silent. About myself I need know nothing. Here all is clear. No, all is 03:0007;01[A ]| not clear. But the discourse must go on. So one invents obscurities. Rhetoric. 03:0007;01[A ]| These lights for instance, which I do not require to$9$ mean anything, what is there 03:0007;01[A ]| so strange about them, so wrong? Is it their irregularity, their instability, their 03:0007;01[A ]| shining strong one minute and weak the next, but never beyond the power of 03:0007;01[A ]| one or two candles? Malone appears and disappears with the punctuality of 03:0007;01[A ]| clockwork, always at the same remove, the same velocity, in the same direction, 03:0007;01[A ]| the same attitude. But the play of the lights is truly unpredictable. It is only fair to$9$ 03:0007;01[A ]| say$1$ that to$4$ eyes less knowing than mine 03:0008;01[A ]| they would probably pass unseen. But even to$4$ mine do they not sometimes do$1$ 03:0008;01[A ]| so? They are perhaps unwavering and fixed and my fitful perceiving the cause of 03:0008;01[A ]| their inconstancy. I hope I may have$1$ occasion to$9$ revert to$4$ this question. But I 03:0008;01[A ]| shall remark without further delay, in order to$9$ be$1$ sure of doing so, that I am 03:0008;01[A ]| relying on these lights, as indeed on all other similar sources of credible 03:0008;01[A ]| perplexity, to$9$ help me continue and perhaps even conclude. I resume, having no 03:0008;01[A ]| alternative. Where was I? Ah yes, from the unexceptionable order which has 03:0008;01[A ]| prevailed here up to$4$ date may I infer that such will always be$1$ the case? I may of 03:0008;01[A ]| course. But the mere fact of asking myself such a question gives me to$9$ reflect. It is 03:0008;01[A ]| in vain I tell myself that its only purpose is to$9$ stimulate the lagging discourse, 03:0008;01[A ]| this excellent explanation does not satisfy me. Can it be$1$ I am the prey of a genuine 03:0008;01[A ]| preoccupation, of a need to$9$ know as one might say$1$? I do not know. I will try it 03:0008;01[A ]| another way. If one day a change were to$9$ take place, resulting from a principle of 03:0008;01[A ]| disorder already present, or on its way, what then? That would seem to$9$ depend 03:0008;01[A ]| on the nature of the change. No, here all change would be$1$ fatal and land me back, 03:0008;01[A ]| there and then, in all the fun of the fair. I will try it another way. Has nothing really 03:0008;01[A ]| changed since I have been here? No, frankly, hand on heart, wait a second, no, 03:0008;01[A ]| nothing, to$4$ my knowledge. But, as I have said, the place may well be$1$ vast, as it 03:0008;01[A ]| may well measure twelve feet in diameter. It comes to$4$ the same thing, as far as 03:0008;01[A ]| discerning its limits is concerned. I like to$9$ think I occupy the centre, but nothing 03:0008;01[A ]| is less certain. In a sense I would be$1$ better off at the circumference, since my eyes 03:0008;01[A ]| are always fixed in the same direction. But I 03:0009;01[A ]| am certainly not at the circumference. For if I were it would follow that Malone, 03:0009;01[A ]| wheeling about me as he does, would issue from the enceinte at every 03:0009;01[A ]| revolution, which is manifestly impossible. But does he in fact wheel, does he 03:0009;01[A ]| not perhaps simply pass before me in a straight line? No, he wheels, I feel it, and 03:0009;01[A ]| about me, like a planet about its sun. And if he made a noise, as he goes, I would 03:0009;01[A ]| hear him all the time, on my right hand, behind my back, on my left hand, before 03:0009;01[A ]| seeing him again. But he makes none, for I am not deaf, of that I am convinced, 03:0009;01[A ]| that is to$9$ say$1$ half-convinced. From centre to$4$ circumference in any case it is a far 03:0009;01[A ]| cry and I may well be$1$ situated somewhere between the two. It is equally possible, I 03:0009;01[A ]| do not deny it, that I too am in perpetual motion, accompanied by Malone, as the 03:0009;01[A ]| earth by its moon. In which case there would be$1$ no further grounds for my 03:0009;01[A ]| complaining about the disorder of the lights, this being due simply to$4$ my 03:0009;01[A ]| insistence on regarding them as always the same lights and viewed always from 03:0009;01[A ]| the same point. All is possible, or almost. But the best is to$9$ think of myself as 03:0009;01[A ]| fixed and at the centre of this place, whatever its shape and extent may be$1$. This is 03:0009;01[A ]| also probably the most pleasing to$4$ me. In a word, no change apparently since I 03:0009;01[A ]| have been here, disorder of the lights perhaps a illusion, all change to$9$ be$1$ feared, 03:0009;01[A ]| incomprehensible uneasiness. 03:0009;01@@@@@| 03:0009;01[A ]| That I am not stone deaf is shown by the sounds that reach me. For though the 03:0009;01[A ]| silence here is almost unbroken, it is not completely so. I remember the first 03:0009;01[A ]| sound heard in this place, I have often heard it since. For I am obliged to$9$ assign a 03:0009;01[A ]| beginning to$4$ my residence 03:0010;01[A ]| here, if only for the sake of clarity. Hell itself, although eternal, dates from the 03:0010;01[A ]| revolt of Lucifer. It is therefore permissible, in the light of this distant analogy, to$9$ 03:0010;01[A ]| think of myself as being here forever, but not as having been here forever. This 03:0010;01[A ]| will greatly help me in my relation. Memory notably, which I did not think 03:0010;01[A ]| myself entitled to$9$ draw upon, will have$1$ its word to$9$ say$1$, if necessary. This 03:0010;01[A ]| represents at least a thousand words I was not counting on. I may well be$1$ glad of 03:0010;01[A ]| them. So after a long period of immaculate silence a feeble cry was heard, by me. I 03:0010;01[A ]| do not know if Malone heard it too. I was surprised, the word is not too strong. 03:0010;01[A ]| After so long a silence a little cry, stifled outright. What kind of creature uttered it 03:0010;01[A ]| and, if it is the same, still does, from time to$4$ time? Impossible to$9$ say$1$. Not a 03:0010;01[A ]| human one in any case, there are no human creatures here, or if there are they 03:0010;01[A ]| have done with crying. Is Malone the culprit? Am I? Is it not perhaps a simple 03:0010;01[A ]| little fart, they can be$1$ rending? Deplorable mania, when something happens, to$9$ 03:0010;01[A ]| inquire what. If only I were not obliged to$9$ manifest. And why speak of a cry? 03:0010;01[A ]| Perhaps it is something breaking, some two things colliding. There are sounds 03:0010;01[A ]| here, from time to$4$ time, let that suffice. This cry to$9$ begin with, since it was the 03:0010;01[A ]| first. And others, rather different. I am getting to$9$ know them. I do not know them 03:0010;01[A ]| all. A man may die at the age of seventy without ever having had the possibility 03:0010;01[A ]| of seeing Halley's comet. 03:0010;01[A ]| It would help me, since to$4$ me too I must attribute a beginning, if I could relate 03:0010;01[A ]| it to$4$ that of my abode. Did I wait somewhere for this place to$9$ be$1$ ready to$9$ 03:0011;01[A ]| receive me? Or did it wait for me to$9$ come and people it? By far the better of 03:0011;01[A ]| these hypotheses, from the point of view of usefulness, is the former, and I shall 03:0011;01[A ]| often have$1$ occasion to$9$ fall back on it. But both are distasteful. I shall say$1$ therefore 03:0011;01[A ]| that our beginnings coincide, that this place was made for me, and I for it, at the 03:0011;01[A ]| same instant. And the sounds I do not yet know have not yet made themselves 03:0011;01[A ]| heard. But they will change nothing. The cry changed nothing, even the first 03:0011;01[A ]| time. And my surprise? I must have$1$ been expecting it. 03:0011;01[A ]| It is no doubt time I gave a companion to$4$ Malone. But first I shall tell of a 03:0011;01[A ]| incident that has only occurred once, so far. I await its recurrence without 03:0011;01[A ]| impatience. Two shapes then, oblong like man, entered into collision before me. 03:0011;01[A ]| They fell and I saw them no more. I naturally thought of the pseudocouple 03:0011;01[A ]| Mercier-Camier. The next time they enter the field, moving slowly towards each 03:0011;01[A ]| other, I shall know they are going to$9$ collide, fall and disappear, and this will 03:0011;01[A ]| perhaps enable me to$9$ observe them better. Wrong. I continue to$9$ see Malone as 03:0011;01[A ]| darkly as the first time. My eyes being fixed always in the same direction I can 03:0011;01[A ]| only see, I shall not say$1$ clearly, but as clearly as the visibility permits, that which 03:0011;01[A ]| takes place immediately in front of me, that is ~~ to$9$ say$1$, in the case before us, the 03:0011;01[A ]| collision, followed by the fall and disappearance. Of their approach I shall never 03:0011;01[A ]| obtain other than a confused glimpse, out of the corner of the eye, and what a 03:0011;01[A ]| eye. For their path too must be$1$ a curve, two curves, and meeting I need not say$1$ 03:0011;01[A ]| close beside me. For the visibility, unless it be$1$ the 03:0012;01[A ]| state of my eyesight, only permits me to$9$ see what is close beside me. I may add 03:0012;01[A ]| that my seat would appear to$9$ be$1$ somewhat elevated, in relation to$4$ the 03:0012;01[A ]| surrounding ground, if ground is what it is. Perhaps it is water or some other 03:0012;01[A ]| liquid. With the result that, in order to$9$ obtain the optimum view of what takes 03:0012;01[A ]| place in front of me, I should have$1$ to$9$ lower my eyes a little. But I lower my eyes 03:0012;01[A ]| no more. In a word, I only see what appears immediately in front of me, I only 03:0012;01[A ]| see what appears close beside me, what I best see I see ill. 03:0012;01[A ]| Why did I have$1$ myself represented in the midst of men, the light of day? It 03:0012;01[A ]| seems to$4$ me it was none of my doing. We will not go into that now. I can see them 03:0012;01[A ]| still, my delegates. The things they have told me! About men, the light of day. I 03:0012;01[A ]| refused to$9$ believe them. But some of it has stuck. But when, through what 03:0012;01[A ]| channels, did I communicate with these gentlemen? Did they intrude on me 03:0012;01[A ]| here? No, no one has ever intruded on me here. Elsewhere then. But I have 03:0012;01[A ]| never been elsewhere. But it can only have$1$ been from them I learnt what I know 03:0012;01[A ]| about men and the ways they have of putting up with it. It does not amount to$4$ 03:0012;01[A ]| much. I could have$1$ dispensed with it. I do not say$1$ it was all to$4$ no purpose. I will 03:0012;01[A ]| make use of it, if I am driven to$4$ it. It will not be$1$ the first time. What puzzles me is 03:0012;01[A ]| the thought of being indebted for this information to$4$ persons with whom I can 03:0012;01[A ]| never have$1$ been in contact. Can it be$1$ innate knowledge? Like that of good and 03:0012;01[A ]| evil. This seems improbable to$4$ me. Innate knowledge of my mother, for example, 03:0012;01[A ]| is that conceivable? Not for me. She was one of their favourite subjects, of 03:0012;01[A ]| conversation. 03:0013;01[A ]| They also gave me the low-down on God. They told me I depended on him, in 03:0013;01[A ]| the last analysis. They had it on the reliable authority of his agents at Bally I forget 03:0013;01[A ]| what, this being the place, according to$4$ them, where the inestimable gift of life 03:0013;01[A ]| had been rammed down my gullet. But what they were most determined for me 03:0013;01[A ]| to$9$ swallow was my fellow-creatures. In this they were without mercy. I remember 03:0013;01[A ]| little or nothing of these lectures. I can not have$1$ understood a great deal. But I 03:0013;01[A ]| seem to$9$ have$1$ retained certain descriptions, in spite of myself. They gave me 03:0013;01[A ]| courses on love, on intelligence, most precious, most precious. They also taught 03:0013;01[A ]| me to$9$ count, and even to$9$ reason. Some of this rubbish has come in handy on 03:0013;01[A ]| occasions, I do not deny it, on occasions which would never have$1$ arisen if they 03:0013;01[A ]| had left me in peace. I use it still, to$9$ scratch my arse with. Low types they must 03:0013;01[A ]| have$1$ been, their pockets full of poison and antidote. Perhaps all this instruction 03:0013;01[A ]| was by correspondence. And yet I seem to$9$ know their faces. From photographs 03:0013;01[A ]| perhaps. When did all this nonsense stop? And has it stopped? A few last 03:0013;01[A ]| questions. Is it merely a lull? There were four or five of them at me, they called 03:0013;01[A ]| that presenting their report. One in particular, Basil I think he was called, filled 03:0013;01[A ]| me with hatred. Without opening his mouth, fastening on me his eyes like 03:0013;01[A ]| cinders with all their seeing, he changed me a little more each time into what he 03:0013;01[A ]| wanted me to$9$ be$1$. Is he still glaring at me, from the shadows? Is he still usurping 03:0013;01[A ]| my name, the one they foisted on me, up there in their world, patiently, from 03:0013;01[A ]| season to$4$ season? No no, here I am in safety, amusing myself wondering who can 03:0013;01[A ]| have$1$ dealt me these insignificant wounds. 03:0014;01[A ]| The other advances full upon me. He emerges as from heavy hangings, 03:0014;01[A ]| advances a few steps, looks at me, then backs away. He is stooping and seems to$9$ be$1$ 03:0014;01[A ]| dragging invisible burdens. What I see best is his hat. The crown is all worn 03:0014;01[A ]| through, like the sole of a old boot, giving vent to$4$ a straggle of grey hairs. He 03:0014;01[A ]| raises his eyes and I feel the long imploring gaze, as if I could do$1$ something for 03:0014;01[A ]| him. Another impression, no doubt equally false, he brings me presents and dare 03:0014;01[A ]| not give them. He takes them away again, or he lets them fall, and they vanish. 03:0014;01[A ]| He does not come often, I can not be$1$ more precise, but regularly assuredly. His 03:0014;01[A ]| visit has never coincided, up to$4$ now, with the transit of Malone. But perhaps 03:0014;01[A ]| some day it will. That would not necessarily be$1$ a violation of the order prevailing 03:0014;01[A ]| here. For if I can work out to$4$ within a few inches the orbit of Malone, assuming 03:0014;01[A ]| perhaps erroneously that he passes before me at a distance of say three feet, with 03:0014;01[A ]| regard to$4$ the other's career I must remain in the dark. For I am incapable not only 03:0014;01[A ]| of measuring time, which in itself is sufficient to$9$ vitiate all calculation in this 03:0014;01[A ]| connexion, but also of comparing their respective velocities. So I can not tell if I 03:0014;01[A ]| shall ever have$1$ the good fortune to$9$ see the two of them at once. But I am inclined 03:0014;01[A ]| to$9$ think I shall. For if I were never to$9$ see the two of them at once, then it would 03:0014;01[A ]| follow, or should follow, that between their respective appearances the interval 03:0014;01[A ]| never varies. No, wrong. For the interval may vary considerably, and indeed it 03:0014;01[A ]| seems to$4$ me it does, without ever being abolished. Nevertheless I am inclined to$9$ 03:0014;01[A ]| think, 03:0015;01[A ]| because of this erratic interval, that my two visitors may some day meet before 03:0015;01[A ]| my eyes, collide and perhaps even knock each other down. I have said that all 03:0015;01[A ]| things here recur sooner or later, no, I was going to$9$ say$1$ it, then thought better of 03:0015;01[A ]| it. But is it not possible that this does not apply to$4$ encounters? The only 03:0015;01[A ]| encounter I ever witnessed, a long time ago now, has never yet been re-enacted. It 03:0015;01[A ]| was perhaps the end of something. And I shall perhaps be$1$ delivered of Malone 03:0015;01[A ]| and the other, not that they disturb me, the day I see the two of them at one and 03:0015;01[A ]| the same time, that is to$9$ say$1$ in collision. Unfortunately they are not the only 03:0015;01[A ]| disturbers of my peace. Others come towards me, pass before me, wheel about me. 03:0015;01[A ]| And no doubt others still, invisible so far. I repeat they do not disturb me. But in 03:0015;01[A ]| the long run it might become wearisome. I do not see how. But the possibility 03:0015;01[A ]| must be$1$ taken into account. One starts things moving without a thought of how 03:0015;01[A ]| to$9$ stop them. In order to$9$ speak. One starts speaking as if it were possible to$9$ stop at 03:0015;01[A ]| will. It is better so. The search for the means to$9$ put a end to$4$ things, a end to$4$ 03:0015;01[A ]| speech, is what enables the discourse to$9$ continue. No, I must not try to$9$ think, 03:0015;01[A ]| simply utter. Method or no method I shall have$1$ to$9$ banish them in the end, the 03:0015;01[A ]| beings, things, shapes, sounds and lights with which my haste to$9$ speak has 03:0015;01[A ]| encumbered this place. In the frenzy of utterance the concern with truth. Hence 03:0015;01[A ]| the interest of a possible deliverance by means of encounter. But not so fast. First 03:0015;01[A ]| dirty, then make clean. 03:0015;01[A ]| Perhaps it is time I paid a little attention to$4$ myself, for a change. I shall be$1$ 03:0015;01[A ]| reduced to$4$ it sooner or later. 03:0016;01[A ]| At first sight it seems impossible. Me, utter me, in the same foul breath as my 03:0016;01[A ]| creatures? Say of me that I see this, feel that, fear, hope, know and do not know? 03:0016;01[A ]| Yes, I will say$1$ it, and of me alone. Impassive, still and mute, Malone revolves, a 03:0016;01[A ]| stranger forever to$4$ my infirmities, one who is not as I can never not be$1$. I am 03:0016;01[A ]| motionless in vain, he is the god. And the other? I have assigned him eyes that 03:0016;01[A ]| implore me, offerings for me, need of succour. He does not look at me, does not 03:0016;01[A ]| know of me, wants for nothing. I alone am man and all the rest divine. 03:0016;01@@@@@| 03:0016;01[A ]| Air, the air, is there anything to$9$ be$1$ squeezed from that old chestnut? Close to$4$ 03:0016;01[A ]| me it is grey, dimly transparent, and beyond that charmed circle deepens and 03:0016;01[A ]| spreads its fine impenetrable veils. Is it I who cast the faint light that enables me 03:0016;01[A ]| to$9$ see what goes on under my nose? There is nothing to$9$ be$1$ gained, for the 03:0016;01[A ]| moment, by supposing so. There is no night so deep, so I have heard tell, that it 03:0016;01[A ]| may not be$1$ pierced in the end, with the help of no other light than that of the 03:0016;01[A ]| blackened sky, or of the earth itself. Nothing nocturnal here. This grey, first 03:0016;01[A ]| murky, then frankly opaque, is luminous none the less. But may not this screen 03:0016;01[A ]| which my eyes probe in vain, and see as denser air, in reality be$1$ the enclosure 03:0016;01[A ]| wall, as compact as lead? To$9$ elucidate this point I would need a stick or pole, and 03:0016;01[A ]| the means of plying it, the former being of little avail without the latter, and vice 03:0016;01[A ]| versa. I could also do$1$, incidentally, with future and conditional participles. Then I 03:0016;01[A ]| would dart it, like a javelin, straight before me and know, by 03:0017;01[A ]| the sound made, whether that which hems me round, and blots out my world, 03:0017;01[A ]| is the old void, or a plenum. Or else, without letting it go, I would wield it like a 03:0017;01[A ]| sword and thrust it through empty air, or against the barrier. But the days of sticks 03:0017;01[A ]| are over, here I can count on my body alone, my body incapable of the smallest 03:0017;01[A ]| movement and whose very eyes can no longer close as they once could, according 03:0017;01[A ]| to$4$ Basil and his crew, to$9$ rest me from seeing, to$9$ rest me from waking, to$9$ darken 03:0017;01[A ]| me to$4$ sleep, and no longer look away, or down, or up open to$4$ heaven, but must 03:0017;01[A ]| remain forever fixed and staring on the narrow space before them where there is 03:0017;01[A ]| nothing to$9$ be$1$ seen, 99% of the time. They must be$1$ as red as live coals. I 03:0017;01[A ]| sometimes wonder if the two retinae are not facing each other. And come to$9$ 03:0017;01[A ]| think of it this grey is shot with rose, like the plumage of certain birds, among 03:0017;01[A ]| which I seem to$9$ remember the cockatoo. 03:0017;01[A ]| Whether all grow black, or all grow bright, or all remain grey, it is grey we 03:0017;01[A ]| need, to$9$ begin with, because of what it is, and of what it can do$1$, made of bright 03:0017;01[A ]| and black, able to$9$ shed the former, or the latter, and be$1$ the latter or the former 03:0017;01[A ]| alone. But perhaps I am the prey, on the subject of grey, in the grey, to$4$ delusions. 03:0017;01[A ]| How, in such conditions, can I write, to$9$ consider only the manual aspect of that 03:0017;01[A ]| bitter folly? I do not know. I could know. But I shall not know. Not this time. It is I 03:0017;01[A ]| who write, who can not raise my hand from my knee. It is I who think, just 03:0017;01[A ]| enough to$9$ write, whose 03:0018;01[A ]| head is far. I am Matthew and I am the angel, I who came before the cross, 03:0018;01[A ]| before the sinning, came into the world, came here. 03:0018;01[A ]| I add this, to$9$ be$1$ on the safe side. These things I say, and shall say$1$, if I can, are no 03:0018;01[A ]| longer, or are not yet, or never were, or never will be$1$, or if they were, if they are, 03:0018;01[A ]| if they will be$1$, were not here, are not here, will not be$1$ here, but elsewhere. But I 03:0018;01[A ]| am here. So I am obliged to$9$ add this. I who am here, who can not speak, can not 03:0018;01[A ]| think, and who must speak, and therefore perhaps think a little, can not in 03:0018;01[A ]| relation only to$4$ me who am here, to$4$ here where I am, but can a little, sufficiently, 03:0018;01[A ]| I do not know how, unimportant, in relation to$4$ me who was elsewhere, who shall 03:0018;01[A ]| be$1$ elsewhere, and to$4$ those places where I was, where I shall be$1$. But I have never 03:0018;01[A ]| been elsewhere, however uncertain the future. And the simplest therefore is to$9$ 03:0018;01[A ]| say$1$ that what I say, what I shall say$1$, if I can, relates to$4$ the place where I am, to$4$ me 03:0018;01[A ]| who am there, in spite of my inability to$9$ think of these, or to$9$ speak of them, 03:0018;01[A ]| because of the compulsion I am under to$9$ speak of them, and therefore perhaps 03:0018;01[A ]| think of them a little. Another thing. What I say, what I may say$1$, on this subject, 03:0018;01[A ]| the subject of me and my abode, has already been said since, having always been 03:0018;01[A ]| here, I am here still. At last a piece or reasoning that pleases me, and worthy of 03:0018;01[A ]| my situation. So I have no cause for anxiety. And yet I am anxious. So I am not 03:0018;01[A ]| heading for disaster, I am not heading anywhere, my adventures are over, my say$0$ 03:0018;01[A ]| said, I call that my adventures. And yet I feel not. And indeed I greatly fear, since 03:0018;01[A ]| my speech can only be$1$ of me and here, that I 03:0019;01[A ]| am once more engaged in putting a end to$4$ both. Which would not matter, far 03:0019;01[A ]| from it, but for the obligation, once rid of them, to$9$ begin again, to$9$ start again from 03:0019;01[A ]| nowhere, from no one and from nothing and win to$4$ me again, to$4$ me here again, 03:0019;01[A ]| by fresh ways to$9$ be$1$ sure, or by the ancient ways, unrecognizable at each fresh 03:0019;01[A ]| faring. Whence a certain confusion in the exordia, long enough to$9$ situate the 03:0019;01[A ]| condemned and prepare him for execution. And yet I do not despair of one day 03:0019;01[A ]| sparing me, without going silent. And that day, I do not know why, I shall be$1$ able 03:0019;01[A ]| to$9$ go silent, and make a end, I know it. Yes, the hope is there, once again, of not 03:0019;01[A ]| making me, not losing me, of staying here, where I said I have always been, but I 03:0019;01[A ]| had to$9$ say$1$ something quick, of ending here, it would be$1$ wonderful. But is it to$9$ be$1$ 03:0019;01[A ]| wished? Yes, it is to$9$ be$1$ wished, to$9$ end would be$1$ wonderful, no matter who I am, 03:0019;01[A ]| no matter where I am. 03:0019;01[A ]| I hope this preamble will soon come to$4$ a end and the statement begin that 03:0019;01[A ]| will dispose of me. Unfortunately I am afraid, as always, of going on. For to$9$ go on 03:0019;01[A ]| means going from here, means finding me, losing me, vanishing and beginning 03:0019;01[A ]| again, a stranger first, then little by little the same as always, in another place, 03:0019;01[A ]| where I shall say$1$ I have always been, of which I shall know nothing, being 03:0019;01[A ]| incapable of seeing, moving, thinking, speaking, but of which little by little, in 03:0019;01[A ]| spite of these handicaps, I shall begin to$9$ know something, just enough for it to$9$ 03:0019;01[A ]| turn out to$9$ be$1$ the same place as always, the same which seems made for me and 03:0019;01[A ]| does not want me, which I seem to$9$ want and do not want, take your 03:0020;01[A ]| choice, which spews me out or swallows me up, I will never know, which is 03:0020;01[A ]| perhaps merely the inside of my distant skull where once I wandered, now am 03:0020;01[A ]| fixed, lost for tininess, or straining against the walls, with my head, my hands, my 03:0020;01[A ]| feet, my back, and ever murmuring my old stories, my old story, as if it were the 03:0020;01[A ]| first time. So there is nothing to$9$ be$1$ afraid of. And yet I am afraid, afraid of what 03:0020;01[A ]| my words will do$1$ to$4$ me, to$4$ my refuge, yet again. Is there really nothing new to$9$ 03:0020;01[A ]| try? I mentioned my hope, but it is not serious. If I could speak and yet say 03:0020;01[A ]| nothing, really nothing? Then I might escape being gnawed to$4$ death as by a old 03:0020;01[A ]| satiated rat, and my little tester-bed along with me, a cradle, or be$1$ gnawed to$4$ death 03:0020;01[A ]| not so fast, in my old cradle, and the torn flesh have time to$9$ knit, as in the 03:0020;01[A ]| Caucasus, before being torn again. But it seems impossible to$9$ speak and yet say 03:0020;01[A ]| nothing, you think you have succeeded, but you always overlook something, a 03:0020;01[A ]| little yes, a little no, enough to$9$ exterminate a regiment of dragoons. And yet I do 03:0020;01[A ]| not despair, this time, while saying who I am, where I am, of not losing me, of 03:0020;01[A ]| not going from here, of ending here. What prevents the miracle is the spirit of 03:0020;01[A ]| method to$4$ which I have perhaps been a little too addicted. The fact that 03:0020;01[A ]| Prometheus was delivered twenty-nine thousand nine hundred and seventy 03:0020;01[A ]| years after having purged his offence leaves me naturally as cold as camphor. For 03:0020;01[A ]| between me and that miscreant who mocked the gods, invented fire, denatured 03:0020;01[A ]| clay and domesticated the horse, in a word obliged humanity, I trust there is 03:0020;01[A ]| nothing in common. But the thing is worth mentioning. In a word, shall I be$1$ 03:0020;01[A ]| able to$9$ speak of me and of this place without 03:0021;01[A ]| putting a end to$4$ us, shall I ever be$1$ able to$9$ go silent, is there any connexion 03:0021;01[A ]| between these two questions? Nothing like issues. There are a few to$9$ be$1$ going on 03:0021;01[A ]| with, perhaps one only. 03:0021;01[A ]| All these Murphys, Molloys and Malones do not fool me. They have made me 03:0021;01[A ]| waste my time, suffer for nothing, speak of them when, in order to$9$ stop speaking, 03:0021;01[A ]| I should have$1$ spoken of me and of me alone. But I just said I have spoken of me, 03:0021;01[A ]| am speaking of me. I do not care a curse what I just said. It is now I shall speak of 03:0021;01[A ]| me, for the first time. I thought I was right in enlisting these sufferers of my 03:0021;01[A ]| pains. I was wrong. They never suffered my pains, their pains are nothing, 03:0021;01[A ]| compared to$4$ mine, a mere tittle of mine, the tittle I thought I could put from me, 03:0021;01[A ]| in order to$9$ witness it. Let them be$1$ gone now, them and all the others, those I 03:0021;01[A ]| have used and those I have not used, give me back the pains I lent them and 03:0021;01[A ]| vanish, from my life, my memory, my terrors and shames. There, now there is 03:0021;01[A ]| no one here but me, no one wheels about me, no one comes towards me, no one 03:0021;01[A ]| has ever met anyone before my eyes, these creatures have never been, only I and 03:0021;01[A ]| this black void have ever been. And the sounds? No, all is silent. And the lights, 03:0021;01[A ]| on which I had set such store, must they too go out? Yes, out with them, there is 03:0021;01[A ]| no light here. No grey either, black is what I should have$1$ said. Nothing then but 03:0021;01[A ]| me, of which I know nothing, except that I have never uttered, and this black, of 03:0021;01[A ]| which I know nothing either, except that it is black, and empty. That then is what, 03:0021;01[A ]| since I have to$9$ speak, I shall speak of, until I need speak no more. And 03:0022;01[A ]| Basil and his gang? Inexistent, invented to$9$ explain I forget what. Ah yes, all 03:0022;01[A ]| lies, God and man, nature and the light of day, the heart's outpourings and the 03:0022;01[A ]| means of understanding, all invented, basely, by me alone, with the help of no 03:0022;01[A ]| one, since there is no one, to$9$ put off the hour when I must speak of me. There 03:0022;01[A ]| will be$1$ no more about them. 03:0022;01@@@@@| 03:0022;01[A ]| I, of whom I know nothing, I know my eyes are open, because of the tears that 03:0022;01[A ]| pour from them unceasingly. I know I am seated, my hands on my knees, because 03:0022;01[A ]| of the pressure against my rump, against the soles of my feet, against the palms of 03:0022;01[A ]| my hands, against my knees. Against my palms the pressure is of my knees, 03:0022;01[A ]| against my knees of my palms, but what is it that presses against my rump, 03:0022;01[A ]| against the soles of my feet? I do not know. My spine is not supported. I mention 03:0022;01[A ]| these details to$9$ make sure I am not lying on my back, my legs raised and bent, my 03:0022;01[A ]| eyes closed. It is well to$9$ establish the position of the body from the outset, before 03:0022;01[A ]| passing on to$4$ more important matters. But what makes me say$1$ I gaze straight 03:0022;01[A ]| before me, as I have said? I feel my back straight, my neck stiff and free of twist 03:0022;01[A ]| and up on top of it the head, like the ball of the cup-and-ball in its cup at the end 03:0022;01[A ]| of the stick. These comparisons are uncalled-for. Then there is the way of flowing 03:0022;01[A ]| of my tears which flow all over my face, and even down along the neck, in a way 03:0022;01[A ]| it seems to$4$ me they could not do$1$ if the face were bowed, or lifted up. But I must 03:0022;01[A ]| not confuse the unbowed head with the level gaze, nor the vertical with the 03:0022;01[A ]| horizontal plane. This question in any case is secondary, since I 03:0023;01[A ]| see nothing. Am I clothed? I have often asked myself this question, then 03:0023;01[A ]| suddenly started talking about Malone's hat, or Molloy's greatcoat, or Murphy's 03:0023;01[A ]| suit. If I am, I am but lightly. For I feel my tears coursing over my chest, my sides, 03:0023;01[A ]| and all down my back. Ah yes, I am truly bathed in tears. They gather in my beard 03:0023;01[A ]| and from there, when it can hold no more ~~ no, no beard, no hair either, it is a 03:0023;01[A ]| great smooth ball I carry on my shoulders, featureless, but for the eyes, of which 03:0023;01[A ]| only the sockets remain. And were it not for the distant testimony of my palms, 03:0023;01[A ]| my soles, which I have not yet been able to$9$ quash, I would gladly give myself the 03:0023;01[A ]| shape, if not the consistency, of a egg, with two holes no matter where to$9$ 03:0023;01[A ]| prevent it from bursting, for the consistency is more like that of mucilage. But 03:0023;01[A ]| softly, softly, otherwise I will never arrive. In the matter of clothes then I can think 03:0023;01[A ]| of nothing for the moment but possibly puttees, with perhaps a few rags clinging 03:0023;01[A ]| to$4$ me here and there. No more obscenities either. Why should I have$1$ a sex, who 03:0023;01[A ]| have no longer a nose? All those things have fallen, all the things that stick out, 03:0023;01[A ]| with my eyes my hair, without leaving a trace, fallen so far so deep that I heard 03:0023;01[A ]| nothing, perhaps are falling still, my hair slowly like soot still, of the fall of my 03:0023;01[A ]| ears heard nothing. Mean words, and needless, from the mean old spirit, I 03:0023;01[A ]| invented love, music, the smell of flowering currant, to$9$ escape from me. Organs, 03:0023;01[A ]| a without, it is easy to$9$ imagine, a god, it is unavoidable, you imagine them, it is 03:0023;01[A ]| easy, the worst is dulled, you doze away, a instant. Yes, God, fomenter of calm, I 03:0023;01[A ]| never believed, not a second. No more pauses either. Can I keep nothing then, 03:0023;01[A ]| nothing of what has borne 03:0024;01[A ]| my poor thoughts, bent beneath my words, while I hid? I will dry these streaming 03:0024;01[A ]| sockets too, bung them Up, there, it is done, no more tears, I am a big talking ball, 03:0024;01[A ]| talking about things that do not exist, or that exist perhaps, impossible to$9$ know, 03:0024;01[A ]| beside the point. Ah yes, quick let me change my tune. And after all why a ball, 03:0024;01[A ]| rather than something else, and why big? Why not a cylinder, a small cylinder? 03:0024;01[A ]| a egg, a medium egg? No no, that is the old nonsense, I always knew I was 03:0024;01[A ]| round, solid and round, without daring to$9$ say$1$ so, no asperities, no apertures, 03:0024;01[A ]| invisible perhaps, or as vast as Sirius in the Great Dog, these expressions mean 03:0024;01[A ]| nothing. All that matters is that I am round and hard, there must be$1$ reasons for 03:0024;01[A ]| that, for my being round and hard rather than of some irregular shape and 03:0024;01[A ]| subject to$4$ the dents and bulges incident to$9$ shock, but I have done with reasons. 03:0024;01[A ]| All the rest I renounce, including this ridiculous black which I thought for a 03:0024;01[A ]| moment worthier than grey to$9$ enfold me. What rubbish all this stuff about light 03:0024;01[A ]| and dark. And how I have luxuriated in it. But do I roll, in the manner of a true 03:0024;01[A ]| ball? Or am I in equilibrium somewhere, on one of my numberless poles? I feel 03:0024;01[A ]| strongly tempted to$9$ inquire. What reams of discourse I could elicit from this 03:0024;01[A ]| seemingly so legitimate preoccupation. But which would not be$1$ credited to$4$ me. 03:0024;01[A ]| No, between me and the right to$4$ silence, the living rest, stretches the same old 03:0024;01[A ]| lesson, the one I once knew by heart and would not say$1$, I do not know why, 03:0024;01[A ]| perhaps for fear of silence, or thinking any old thing would do$1$, and so for 03:0024;01[A ]| preference lies, in order to$9$ remain hidden, no importance. But now I shall say$1$ my 03:0024;01[A ]| old lesson, if I can remember it. Under the skies on the roads, in the 03:0025;01[A ]| towns, in the woods, in the hills, in the plains, by the shores, on the seas, 03:0025;01[A ]| behind my mannikins, I was not always sad, I wasted my time, abjured my rights, 03:0025;01[A ]| suffered for nothing, forgot my lesson. Then a little hell after my own heart, not 03:0025;01[A ]| too cruel, with a few nice damned to$9$ foist my groans on, something sighing off 03:0025;01[A ]| and on and the distant gleams of pity's fires biding their hour to$9$ promote us to$4$ 03:0025;01[A ]| ashes. I speak, speak, because I must, but I do not listen, I seek my lesson, my life I 03:0025;01[A ]| used to$9$ know and would not confess, hence possibly a occasional slight lack of 03:0025;01[A ]| limpidity. And perhaps now again I shall do$1$ no more than seek my lesson, to$4$ the 03:0025;01[A ]| self-accompaniment of a tongue that is not mine. But instead of saying-what I 03:0025;01[A ]| should not have$1$ said, and what I shall say$1$ no more, if I can, and what I shall say$1$ 03:0025;01[A ]| perhaps, if I can, should I not rather say$1$ some other thing, even though it be$1$ not 03:0025;01[A ]| yet the right thing? I will try, I will try in another present, even though it be$1$ not yet 03:0025;01[A ]| mine, without pauses, without tears, without eyes, without reasons. Let it be$1$ 03:0025;01[A ]| assumed then that I am at rest, though this is unimportant, at rest or forever 03:0025;01[A ]| moving, through the air or in contact with other surfaces, or that I sometimes 03:0025;01[A ]| move, sometimes rest, since I feel nothing, neither quietude nor change, nothing 03:0025;01[A ]| that can serve as a point of departure towards a opinion on this subject, which 03:0025;01[A ]| would not greatly matter if I possessed some general notions, and then the use of 03:0025;01[A ]| reason, but there it is, I feel nothing, know nothing, and as far as thinking is 03:0025;01[A ]| concerned I do just enough to$9$ preserve me from going silent, you can not call that 03:0025;01[A ]| thinking. Let us then assume nothing, neither that I move, nor that I do not, it is 03:0025;01[A ]| safer, since the thing is unimportant, and pass on to$4$ those 03:0026;01[A ]| that are. Namely? This voice that speaks, knowing that it lies, indifferent to$4$ 03:0026;01[A ]| what it says, too old perhaps and too abased ever to$9$ succeed in saying the words 03:0026;01[A ]| that would be$1$ its last, knowing itself useless and its uselessness in vain, not 03:0026;01[A ]| listening to$4$ itself but to$4$ the silence that it breaks and whence perhaps one day will 03:0026;01[A ]| come stealing the long clear sigh of advent and farewell, is it one? I will ask no 03:0026;01[A ]| more questions, there are no more questions, I know none any more. It issues 03:0026;01[A ]| from me, it fills me, it clamours against my walls, it is not mine, I can not stop it, I 03:0026;01[A ]| can not prevent it, from tearing me, racking me, assailing me. It is not mine, I have 03:0026;01[A ]| none, I have no voice and must speak, that is all I know, its round that I must 03:0026;01[A ]| revolve, of that I must speak, with this voice that is not mine, but can only be$1$ 03:0026;01[A ]| mine, since there is no one but me, or if there are others, to$4$ whom it might 03:0026;01[A ]| belong, they have never come near me, I will not delay just now to$9$ make this clear. 03:0026;01[A ]| Perhaps they are watching me from afar, I have no objection, as long as I do not 03:0026;01[A ]| see them, watching me like a face in the embers which they know is doomed to$9$ 03:0026;01[A ]| crumble, but it takes too long, it is getting late, eyes are heavy and tomorrow they 03:0026;01[A ]| must rise betimes. So it is I who speak, all alone, since I can not do$1$ otherwise. No, I 03:0026;01[A ]| am speechless. Talking of speaking, what if I went silent? What would happen to$4$ 03:0026;01[A ]| me then? Worse than what is happening? But fie these are questions again. That 03:0026;01[A ]| is typical. I know no more questions and they keep on pouring out of my mouth. 03:0026;01[A ]| I think I know what it is, it is to$9$ prevent the discourse from coming to$4$ a end, this 03:0026;01[A ]| futile discourse which is not credited to$4$ me and brings me not a syllable nearer 03:0026;01[A ]| silence. But now I am on my guard, I shall not 03:0027;01[A ]| answer them any more, I shall not pretend any more to$9$ answer them. Perhaps I 03:0027;01[A ]| shall be$1$ obliged, in order not to$9$ peter out, to$9$ invent another fairy-tale, yet 03:0027;01[A ]| another, with heads, trunks, arms, legs and all that follows, let loose in the 03:0027;01[A ]| changeless round of imperfect shadow and dubious light. But I hope and trust 03:0027;01[A ]| not. But I always can if necessary. For while unfolding my facetiae, the last time 03:0027;01[A ]| that happened to$4$ me, or to$4$ the other who passes for me, I was not inattentive. 03:0027;01[A ]| And it seemed to$4$ me then that I heard a murmur telling of another and less 03:0027;01[A ]| unpleasant method of ending my troubles and that I even succeeded in catching, 03:0027;01[A ]| without ceasing for a instant to$9$ emit my he said, and he said to$4$ himself, and he 03:0027;01[A ]| asked, and he answered, a certain number of highly promising formulae and 03:0027;01[A ]| which indeed I promised myself to$9$ turn to$4$ good account at the first opportunity, 03:0027;01[A ]| that is to$9$ say$1$ as soon as I had finished with my troop of lunatics. But all has gone 03:0027;01[A ]| clean from my head. For it is difficult to$9$ speak, even any old rubbish, and at the 03:0027;01[A ]| same time focus one's attention on another point, where one's true interest lies, 03:0027;01[A ]| as fitfully defined by a feeble murmur seeming to$9$ apologize for not being dead. 03:0027;01[A ]| And what it seemed to$4$ me I heard then, concerning what I should do$1$, and say$1$, in 03:0027;01[A ]| order to$9$ have$1$ nothing further to$9$ do$1$, nothing further to$9$ say$1$, it seemed to$4$ me I 03:0027;01[A ]| only barely heard it, because of the noise I was engaged in making elsewhere, in 03:0027;01[A ]| obedience to$4$ the unintelligible terms of a incomprehensible damnation. And 03:0027;01[A ]| yet I was sufficiently impressed by certain expressions to$9$ make a vow, while 03:0027;01[A ]| continuing my yelps, never to$9$ forget them and, what is more, to$9$ ensure they 03:0027;01[A ]| should engender others and finally, in a irresistible torrent, banish from my vile 03:0027;01[A ]| mouth all 03:0028;01[A ]| other utterance, from my mouth spent in vain with vain inventions all other 03:0028;01[A ]| utterance but theirs, the true at last, the last at last. But all is forgotten and I have 03:0028;01[A ]| done nothing, unless what I am doing now is something, and nothing could give 03:0028;01[A ]| me greater satisfaction. For if I could hear such a music at such a time, I mean 03:0028;01[A ]| while floundering through a ponderous chronicle of moribunds in their courses, 03:0028;01[A ]| moving, clashing, writhing or fallen in short-lived swoons, with how much 03:0028;01[A ]| more reason should I not hear it now, when supposedly I am burdened with 03:0028;01[A ]| myself alone. But this is thinking again. And I see myself slipping, though not yet 03:0028;01[A ]| at the last extremity, towards the resorts of fable. Would it not be$1$ better if I were 03:0028;01[A ]| simply to$9$ keep on saying babababa, for example, while waiting to$9$ ascertain the 03:0028;01[A ]| true function of this venerable organ? 03:0028;01@@@@@| 03:0028;01[A ]| Enough questions, enough reasoning, I 03:0028;01[A ]| resume, years later, meaning I suppose that I went silent, that I can go silent. And 03:0028;01[A ]| now this noise again. That is all rather obscure. I say years, though here there are 03:0028;01[A ]| no years. What matter how long? Years is one of Basil's ideas. A short time, a 03:0028;01[A ]| long time, it is all the same. I kept silence, that is all that counts, if that counts, I 03:0028;01[A ]| have forgotten if that is supposed to$9$ count. And now it is taken from me again. 03:0028;01[A ]| Silence, yes, but what silence! For it is all very fine to$9$ keep silence, but one has 03:0028;01[A ]| also to$9$ consider the kind of silence one keeps. I listened. One might as well speak 03:0028;01[A ]| and be$1$ done with it. What liberty! I strained my ear towards what must have$1$ been 03:0028;01[A ]| my voice still, so weak, so far, that it was like the sea, a far calm sea dying ~~ no, 03:0028;01[A ]| none of that, no beach, no shore, the sea is enough, I have had enough of shingle, 03:0028;01[A ]| enough of sand, enough of earth, enough of sea too. 03:0029;01[A ]| Decidedly Basil is becoming important, I will call him Mahood instead, I prefer 03:0029;01[A ]| that, I am queer. It was he told me stories about me, lived in my stead, issued forth 03:0029;01[A ]| from me, came back to$4$ me, entered back into me, heaped stories on my head. I 03:0029;01[A ]| do not know how it was done. I always liked not knowing, but Mahood said it 03:0029;01[A ]| was not right. He did not know either, but it worried him. It is his voice which has 03:0029;01[A ]| often, always, mingled with mine, and sometimes drowned it completely. Until 03:0029;01[A ]| he left me for good, or refused to$9$ leave me any more, I do not know. Yes, I do not 03:0029;01[A ]| know if he is here now or far away, but I do not think I am far wrong in saying that 03:0029;01[A ]| he has ceased to$9$ plague me. When he was away I tried to$9$ find myself again, to$9$ 03:0029;01[A ]| forget what he had said, about me, about my misfortunes, fatuous misfortunes, 03:0029;01[A ]| idiotic pains, in the light of my true situation, revolting word. But his voice 03:0029;01[A ]| continued to$9$ testify for me, as though woven into mine, preventing me from 03:0029;01[A ]| saying who I was, what I was, so as to$9$ have$1$ done with saying, done with listening. 03:0029;01[A ]| And still today, as he would say$1$, though he plagues me no more his voice is 03:0029;01[A ]| there, in mine, but less, less. And being no longer renewed it will disappear one 03:0029;01[A ]| day, I hope, from mine, completely. But in order for that to$9$ happen I must speak, 03:0029;01[A ]| speak. And at the same time, I do not deceive myself, he may come back again, or 03:0029;01[A ]| go away again and then come back again. Then my voice, the voice, would say$1$, 03:0029;01[A ]| That is a idea, now I will tell one of Mahood's stories, I need a rest. Yes, that is how 03:0029;01[A ]| it would happen. And it would say$1$, Then refreshed, set about the truth again, 03:0029;01[A ]| with redoubled vigour. To$9$ make me think I was a free agent. But it would not be$1$ 03:0029;01[A ]| my voice, not even in part. That is how 03:0030;01[A ]| it would be$1$ done. Or quietly, stealthily, the story would begin, as if nothing had 03:0030;01[A ]| happened and I still the teller and the told. But I would be$1$ fast asleep, my mouth 03:0030;01[A ]| agape, as usual, I would look the same as usual. And from my sleeping mouth 03:0030;01[A ]| the lies would pour, about me. No, not sleeping, listening, in tears. But now, is it 03:0030;01[A ]| I now, I on me? Sometimes I think it is. And then I realize it is not. I am doing 03:0030;01[A ]| my best, and failing again, yet again. I do not mind failing, it is a pleasure, but I 03:0030;01[A ]| want to$9$ go silent. Not as just now, the better to$9$ listen, but peacefully, victorious, 03:0030;01[A ]| without ulterior object. Then it would be$1$ a life worth having, a life at last. My 03:0030;01[A ]| speech-parched voice at rest would fill with spittle, I would let it flow over and over, 03:0030;01[A ]| happy at last, dribbling with life, my pensum ended, in the silence. I spoke, I must 03:0030;01[A ]| have$1$ spoken, of a lesson, it was pensum I should have$1$ said, I confused pensum 03:0030;01[A ]| with lesson. Yes, I have a pensum to$9$ discharge, before I can be$1$ free, free to$9$ dribble, 03:0030;01[A ]| free to$9$ speak no more, listen no more, and I have forgotten what it is. There at last 03:0030;01[A ]| is a fair picture of my situation. I was given a pensum, at birth perhaps, as a 03:0030;01[A ]| punishment for having been born perhaps, or for no particular reason, because 03:0030;01[A ]| they dislike me, and I have forgotten what it is. But was I ever told? Squeeze, 03:0030;01[A ]| squeeze, not too hard, but squeeze a little longer, this is perhaps about you, and 03:0030;01[A ]| your goal at hand. After ten thousand words? Well let us say$1$ one goal, after it 03:0030;01[A ]| there will be$1$ others. Speak, yes, but to$4$ me, I have never spoken enough to$4$ me, 03:0030;01[A ]| never listened enough to$4$ me, never replied enough to$4$ me, never had pity 03:0030;01[A ]| enough on me, I have spoken for my master, listened for the words of my master 03:0030;01[A ]| never spoken, Well done, my child, well done, my son, you 03:0031;01[A ]| may stop, you may go, you are free, you are acquitted, you are pardoned, never 03:0031;01[A ]| spoken. My master. There is a vein I must not lose sight of. But for the moment 03:0031;01[A ]| my concern ~~ but before I forget, there may be$1$ more than one, a whole college of 03:0031;01[A ]| tyrants, differing in their views as to$4$ what should be$1$ done with me, in conclave 03:0031;01[A ]| since time began or a little later, listening to$4$ me from time to$4$ time, then breaking 03:0031;01[A ]| up for a meal or a game of cards ~~ my concern is with the pensum of which I 03:0031;01[A ]| think I may safely say$1$, without loss of face, that it is in some way related to$4$ that 03:0031;01[A ]| lesson too hastily proclaimed, too hastily denied. For all I need say$1$ is this, that if I 03:0031;01[A ]| have a pensum to$9$ perform it is because I could not say$1$ my lesson, and that when I 03:0031;01[A ]| have finished my pensum I shall still have$1$ my lesson to$9$ say$1$, before I have the 03:0031;01[A ]| right to$9$ stay quiet in my corner, alive and dribbling, my mouth shut, my tongue 03:0031;01[A ]| at rest, far from all disturbance, all sound, my mind at peace, that is to$9$ say$1$ empty. 03:0031;01[A ]| But this does not get me very far. For even should I hit upon the right pensum, 03:0031;01[A ]| somewhere in this churn of words at last, I would still have$1$ to$9$ reconstitute the 03:0031;01[A ]| right lesson, unless of course the two are one and the same, which obviously is 03:0031;01[A ]| not impossible either. Strange notion in any case, and eminently open to$4$ 03:0031;01[A ]| suspicion, that of a task to$9$ be$1$ performed, before one can be$1$ at rest. Strange task, 03:0031;01[A ]| which consists in speaking of oneself. Strange hope, turned towards silence and 03:0031;01[A ]| peace. Possessed of nothing but my voice, the voice, it may seem natural, once the 03:0031;01[A ]| idea of obligation has been swallowed, that I should interpret it as a obligation to$9$ 03:0031;01[A ]| say$1$ something. But is it possible? Bereft of hands, perhaps it is my duty to$9$ clap or, 03:0031;01[A ]| striking the palms together, to$9$ call the 03:0032;01[A ]| waiter, and of feet, to$9$ dance the Carmagnole. But let us first suppose, in order 03:0032;01[A ]| to$9$ get on a little, then we will suppose something else, in order to$9$ get on a little 03:0032;01[A ]| further, that it is in fact required of me that I say something, something that is not 03:0032;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ found in all I have said up to$4$ now. That seems a reasonable assumption. But 03:0032;01[A ]| thence to$9$ infer that the something required is something about me suddenly 03:0032;01[A ]| strikes me as unwarranted. Might it not rather be$1$ the praise of my master, 03:0032;01[A ]| intoned, in order to$9$ obtain his forgiveness? Or the admission that I am Mahood 03:0032;01[A ]| after all and these stories of a being whose identity he usurps, and whose voice he 03:0032;01[A ]| prevents from being heard, all lies from beginning to$4$ end? And what if Mahood 03:0032;01[A ]| were my master? I will leave it at that, for the time being. So many prospects in so 03:0032;01[A ]| short a time, it is too much. Decidedly it seems impossible, at this stage, that I 03:0032;01[A ]| should dispense with questions, as I promised myself I would. No, I merely swore 03:0032;01[A ]| I would stop asking them. And perhaps before long, who knows, I shall light on the 03:0032;01[A ]| happy combination which will prevent them from ever arising again in my ~~ let 03:0032;01[A ]| us not be$1$ over-nice-mind. For what I am doing is not being done without a 03:0032;01[A ]| minimum of mind. Not mine perhaps, granted, with pleasure, but I draw on it, at 03:0032;01[A ]| least I try and look as if I did. Rich matter there, to$9$ be$1$ exploited, fatten you up, 03:0032;01[A ]| suck it to$4$ the core, keep you going for years, tasty into the bargain, I quiver at the 03:0032;01[A ]| thought, give you my word, spoken in jest, quiver and hurry on, all life before 03:0032;01[A ]| me, on and forget, what I was saying, just now, something important, it is gone, 03:0032;01[A ]| it will come back, no regrets, as good as new, unrecognizable, let us hope so, some day 03:0032;01[A ]| when I feel more 03:0033;01[A ]| on for high-class nuts to$9$ crack. On. The master. I never paid him enough 03:0033;01[A ]| attention. No more perhapses either, that old trick is worn to$4$ a thread. I will forbid 03:0033;01[A ]| myself everything, then go on as if I had not. The master. A few allusions here and 03:0033;01[A ]| there, as to$4$ a satrap, with a view to$4$ enlisting sympathy. They clothed me and gave 03:0033;01[A ]| me money, that kind of thing, the light touch. Then no more. Or Moran's boss, I 03:0033;01[A ]| forget his name. Ah yes, certain things, things I invented, hoping for the best, full 03:0033;01[A ]| of doubts, croaking with fatigue, I remember certain things, not always the same. 03:0033;01[A ]| But to$9$ investigate this matter seriously, I mean with as much futile ardour as that 03:0033;01[A ]| of the underling, which I hoped was mine, close to$4$ mine, the road to$4$ mine, no, 03:0033;01[A ]| that never occurred to$4$ me. And if it occurs to$4$ me now it is because I have 03:0033;01[A ]| despaired of mine. A moment of discouragement, to$9$ strike while hot. My master 03:0033;01[A ]| then, assuming he is solitary, in my image, wishes me well, poor devil, wishes 03:0033;01[A ]| my good, and if he does not seem to$9$ do$1$ very much in order not to$9$ be$1$ 03:0033;01[A ]| disappointed it is because there is not very much to$9$ be$1$ done or, better still, 03:0033;01[A ]| because there is nothing to$9$ be$1$ done, otherwise he would have$1$ done it, my great 03:0033;01[A ]| and good master, that must be$1$ it, long ago, poor devil. Another supposition, he 03:0033;01[A ]| has taken the necessary steps, his will is done as far as I am concerned (for he 03:0033;01[A ]| may have$1$ other proteges) and all is well with me without my knowing it. Cases 03:0033;01[A ]| one and two. I will consider the former first, if I can. Then I will admire the latter, if 03:0033;01[A ]| my eyes are still open. This sounds like one of Mahood's anecdotes. But quick, 03:0033;01[A ]| consider, before you forget. There he is then, the unfortunate brute, quite 03:0033;01[A ]| miserable because of me, for whom there is nothing to$9$ be$1$ done, and 03:0034;01[A ]| he so anxious to$9$ help, so used to$4$ giving orders and to$4$ being obeyed. There he is, 03:0034;01[A ]| ever since I came into the world, possibly at his instigation, I would not put it past 03:0034;01[A ]| him, commanding me to$9$ be$1$ well, you know, in every way, no complaints at all, 03:0034;01[A ]| with as much success as if he were shouting at a lump of inanimate matter. If he 03:0034;01[A ]| is not pleased with this panegyric I hope I may be$1$ ~~ I nearly said hanged, but that I 03:0034;01[A ]| hope in any case, without restriction, I nearly said con, that would cut my cackle. 03:0034;01[A ]| Ah for a neck! I want all to$9$ be$1$ well with you, do you hear me, that is what he 03:0034;01[A ]| keeps on dinning at me. To$4$ which I reply, in a respectful attitude, I too, your 03:0034;01[A ]| Lordship. I say that to$9$ cheer him up, he sounds so unhappy. I am good-hearted, 03:0034;01[A ]| on the surface. 03:0034;01@@@@@| 03:0034;01[A ]| No, we have no conversation, never a mum of his mouth to$4$ me. 03:0034;01[A ]| He is out of luck, that is certain, perhaps he did not choose me. What he means by 03:0034;01[A ]| good, my good, is another problem. He is capable of wanting me to$9$ be$1$ happy, such 03:0034;01[A ]| a thing has been known, it appears. Or to$9$ serve a purpose. Or the two at once! A 03:0034;01[A ]| little more explicitness on his part, since the initiative belongs to$4$ him, might be$1$ a 03:0034;01[A ]| help, as well from his point of view as from the one he attributes to$4$ me. Let the 03:0034;01[A ]| man explain himself and have done with it. It is none of my business to$9$ ask him 03:0034;01[A ]| questions, even if I knew how to$9$ reach him. Let him inform me once and for all 03:0034;01[A ]| what exactly it is he wants from me, for me. What he wants is my good, I know 03:0034;01[A ]| that, at least I say it, in the hope of bringing him round to$4$ a more reasonable 03:0034;01[A ]| frame of mind, assuming he exists and, existing, hears me. But what good, there 03:0034;01[A ]| must be$1$ more than one. The supreme perhaps. In a 03:0035;01[A ]| word let him enlighten me, that is all I ask, so that I may at least have$1$ the 03:0035;01[A ]| satisfaction of knowing in what sense I leave to$9$ be$1$ desired. If he wants me to$9$ say$1$ 03:0035;01[A ]| something, for my good naturally, he has only to$9$ tell me what it is and I will let it 03:0035;01[A ]| out with a roar straight away. It is true he may have$1$ already told me a hundred 03:0035;01[A ]| times. Well, let him make it a hundred and one, this time I will try and pay 03:0035;01[A ]| attention. But perhaps I malign him unjustly, my good master, perhaps he is not 03:0035;01[A ]| solitary like me, not free like me, but associated with others, equally good, equally 03:0035;01[A ]| concerned with my welfare, but differing as to$4$ its nature. Every day, up above, I 03:0035;01[A ]| mean up above me, from one set hour to$4$ another set hour, everything there 03:0035;01[A ]| being set and settled except what is to$9$ be$1$ done with me, they assemble to$9$ discuss 03:0035;01[A ]| me. Or perhaps it is a meeting of deputies, with instructions to$9$ elaborate a 03:0035;01[A ]| tentative agreement. The fact of my continuing, while they are thus engaged, to$9$ 03:0035;01[A ]| be$1$ what I have always been is naturally preferable to$4$ a lame resolution, voted 03:0035;01[A ]| perhaps by a majority of one, or drawn from a old hat. They too are unhappy, all 03:0035;01[A ]| this time, each one to$4$ the best of his capacity, because all is not well with me. And 03:0035;01[A ]| now enough of that. If that does not mollify them so much the worse for me, I can 03:0035;01[A ]| still conceive of such a thing. But one more suggestion before I forget and go on 03:0035;01[A ]| to$4$ serious matters. Why do not they wash their hands of me and set me free? That 03:0035;01[A ]| might do$1$ me good. I do not know. Perhaps then I could go silent, for good and all. 03:0035;01[A ]| Idle talk, idle talk, I am free, abandoned. All for nothing again. Even Mahood has 03:0035;01[A ]| left me, I am alone. All this business of a labour to$9$ accomplish, before I 03:0036;01[A ]| can end, of words to$9$ say$1$, a truth to$9$ recover, in order to$9$ say$1$ it, before I can end, of 03:0036;01[A ]| a imposed task, once known, long neglected, finally forgotten, to$9$ perform, before 03:0036;01[A ]| I can be$1$ done with speaking, done with listening, I invented it all, in the hope it 03:0036;01[A ]| would console me, help me to$9$ go on, allow me to$9$ think of myself as somewhere 03:0036;01[A ]| on a road, moving, between a beginning and a end, gaining ground, losing 03:0036;01[A ]| ground, getting lost, but somehow in the long run making headway. A11 lies. I 03:0036;01[A ]| have nothing to$9$ do$1$, that is to$9$ say$1$ nothing in particular. I have to$9$ speak, whatever 03:0036;01[A ]| that means. Having nothing to$9$ say$1$, no words but the words of others, I have to$9$ 03:0036;01[A ]| speak. No one compels me to$9$, there is no one, it is a accident, a fact. Nothing can 03:0036;01[A ]| ever exempt me from it, there is nothing, nothing to$9$ discover, nothing to$9$ 03:0036;01[A ]| recover, nothing that can lessen what remains to$9$ say$1$, I have the ocean to$9$ drink, 03:0036;01[A ]| so there is a ocean then. Not to$9$ have$1$ been a dupe, that will have$1$ been my best 03:0036;01[A ]| possession, my best deed, to$9$ have$1$ been a dupe, wishing I was not, thinking I 03:0036;01[A ]| was not, knowing I was, not being a dupe of not being a dupe. For any old thing, 03:0036;01[A ]| no, that does not work, that should work, but it does not. Labyrinthine torment that 03:0036;01[A ]| can not be$1$ grasped, or limited, or felt, or suffered, no, not even suffered, I suffer all 03:0036;01[A ]| wrong too, even that I do all wrong too, like a old turkey-hen dying on her$2$ feet, 03:0036;01[A ]| her$2$ back covered with chickens and the rats spying on her$6$. Next instalment, 03:0036;01[A ]| quick. No cries, above all no cries, be urbane, a credit to$4$ the art and code of dying, 03:0036;01[A ]| while the others cackle, I can hear them from here, like the crackling of thorns, 03:0036;01[A ]| no, I forgot, it is impossible, it is myself I hear, howling behind 03:0037;01[A ]| my dissertation. So not any old thing. Even Mahood's stories are not any old 03:0037;01[A ]| thing, though no less foreign, to$4$ what, to$4$ that unfamiliar native land of mine, as 03:0037;01[A ]| unfamiliar as that other where men come and go, and feel at home, on tracks 03:0037;01[A ]| they have made themselves, in order to$9$ visit one another with the maximum of 03:0037;01[A ]| convenience and dispatch, in the light of a choice of luminaries pissing on the 03:0037;01[A ]| darkness turn about, so that it is never dark, never deserted, that must be$1$ terrible. 03:0037;01[A ]| So be$1$ it. Not any old thing, but as near as no matter. Mahood. Before him there 03:0037;01[A ]| were others, taking themselves for me, it must be$1$ a sinecure handed down from 03:0037;01[A ]| generation to$4$ generation, to$9$ judge by their family air. Mahood is no worse than 03:0037;01[A ]| his predecessors. But before executing his portrait, full length on his surviving 03:0037;01[A ]| leg, let me note that my next vice-exister will be$1$ a billy in the bowl, that is final, 03:0037;01[A ]| with his bowl on his head and his arse in the dust, plump down on thousand-breasted 03:0037;01[A ]| Tellus, it will be$1$ softer for him. Faith that is a idea, yet another, mutilate, 03:0037;01[A ]| mutilate, and perhaps some day, fifteen generations hence, you will succeed in 03:0037;01[A ]| beginning to$9$ look like yourself, among the passers-by. In the meantime it is 03:0037;01[A ]| Mahood, this caricature is he. What if we were one and the same after all, as he 03:0037;01[A ]| affirms, and I deny? And I been in the places where he says I have been, instead of 03:0037;01[A ]| having stayed on here, trying to$9$ take advantage of his absence to$9$ unravel my 03:0037;01[A ]| tangle? Here, in my domain, what is Mahood doing in my domain, and how does 03:0037;01[A ]| he get here? There I am launched again on the same old hopeless business, there 03:0037;01[A ]| we are face to$4$ face, Mahood and I, if we are twain, as I say we are. I never 03:0038;01[A ]| saw him, I do not see him, he has told me what he is like, what I am like, they 03:0038;01[A ]| have all told me that, it must be$1$ one of their principal functions. It is not enough 03:0038;01[A ]| that I should know what I am doing, I must also know what I am looking like. This 03:0038;01[A ]| time I am short of a leg. And yet it appears I have rejuvenated. That is part of the 03:0038;01[A ]| programme. Having brought me to$4$ death's door, senile gangrene, they whip off 03:0038;01[A ]| a leg and yip off I go again, like a young one, scouring the earth for a hole to$9$ hide 03:0038;01[A ]| in. A single leg and other distinctive stigmata to$9$ go with it, human to$9$ be$1$ sure, but 03:0038;01[A ]| not exaggeratedly, lest I take fright and refuse to$9$ nibble. He will resign himself in the 03:0038;01[A ]| end, he will own up in the end, that is the watchword. Let us try him this time with a 03:0038;01[A ]| hairless wedgehead, he might fancy that, that kind of talk. With the solitary leg in 03:0038;01[A ]| the middle, that might appeal to$4$ him. The poor bastards. They could clap a 03:0038;01[A ]| artificial anus in the hollow of my hand and still I would not be$1$ there, alive with 03:0038;01[A ]| their life, not far short of a man, just barely a man, sufficiently a man to$9$ have$1$ 03:0038;01[A ]| hopes one day of being one, my avatars behind me. And yet sometimes it seems 03:0038;01[A ]| to$4$ me I am there, among the incriminated scenes, tottering under the attributes 03:0038;01[A ]| peculiar to$4$ the lords of creation, dumb with howling to$9$ be$1$ put out of my misery, 03:0038;01[A ]| and all round me the spinach blue rustling with satisfaction! Yes, more than once 03:0038;01[A ]| I almost took myself for the other, all but suffered after his fashion, the space of 03:0038;01[A ]| a instant. Then they uncorked the champagne. One of us at last! Green with 03:0038;01[A ]| anguish! A real little terrestrial! Choking in the chlorophyll! Hugging the 03:0038;01[A ]| slaughterhouse walls ! Paltry priests of the irrepressible ephemeral, 03:0039;01[A ]| how they must hate me. Come, my lambkin, join in our gambols, it is soon 03:0039;01[A ]| over, you will see, just time to$9$ frolic with a lambkinette, that is jam. Love, there is a 03:0039;01[A ]| carrot never fails, I always had to$9$ thread some old bodkin. And that is the kind of 03:0039;01[A ]| jakes in which I sometimes dreamt I dwelt, and even let down my trousers. 03:0039;01[A ]| Mahood himself nearly codded me more than once. I have been he a instant, 03:0039;01[A ]| hobbling through a nature which, it is only fair to$9$ say$1$, was on the barren side and, 03:0039;01[A ]| what is more, it is only just to$9$ add, tolerably deserted to$9$ begin with. After each 03:0039;01[A ]| thrust of my crutches I stopped, to$9$ devour a narcotic and measure the distance 03:0039;01[A ]| gone, the distance yet to$9$ go. My head is there too, broad at the base, its slopes 03:0039;01[A ]| denuded, culminating in a ridge or crowning glory strewn with long waving 03:0039;01[A ]| hairs like those that grow on naevi. No denying it, I am confoundedly well 03:0039;01[A ]| informed. You must allow it was tempting. I say a instant, perhaps it was years. 03:0039;01[A ]| Then I withdrew my adhesion, it was getting too much of a good thing. I had 03:0039;01[A ]| already advanced a good ten paces, if one may call them paces, not in a straight 03:0039;01[A ]| line I need hardly say$1$, but in a sharp curve which, if I continued to$9$ follow it, 03:0039;01[A ]| seemed likely to$9$ restore me to$4$ my point of departure, or to$4$ one adjacent. I must 03:0039;01[A ]| have$1$ got embroiled in a kind of inverted spiral, I mean one the coils of which, 03:0039;01[A ]| instead of widening more and more, grew narrower and narrower and finally, 03:0039;01[A ]| given the kind of space in which I was supposed to$9$ evolve, would come to$4$ a end 03:0039;01[A ]| for lack of room. Faced then with the material impossibility of going any further I 03:0039;01[A ]| should no doubt have$1$ had to$9$ stop, unless of course I elected to$9$ set off again at 03:0039;01[A ]| once in the opposite 03:0040;01[A ]| direction, to$9$ unscrew myself as it were, after having screwed myself to$4$ a 03:0040;01[A ]| standstill, which would have$1$ been a experience rich in interest and fertile in 03:0040;01[A ]| surprises if I am to$9$ believe what I once was told, in spite of my protests, namely 03:0040;01[A ]| that there is no road so dull, on the way out, but it has quite a different aspect, 03:0040;01[A ]| quite a different dullness, on the way back, and vice versa. No good wriggling, 03:0040;01[A ]| I am a mine of useless knowledge. But a difficulty arises here. For if by dint of 03:0040;01[A ]| winding myself up, if I may venture that ellipse, it does not often happen to$4$ me 03:0040;01[A ]| now, if by dint of winding myself up, I do not seem to$9$ have$1$ gained much time, if 03:0040;01[A ]| by dint of winding myself up I must inevitably find myself stuck in the end, once 03:0040;01[A ]| launched in the opposite direction should I not normally unfold ad infinitum, 03:0040;01[A ]| with no possibility of ever stopping, the space in which I was marooned being 03:0040;01[A ]| globular, or is it the earth, no matter, I know what I mean. But where is the 03:0040;01[A ]| difficulty? There was one a moment ago, I could swear to$4$ it. Not to$9$ mention that 03:0040;01[A ]| I could quite easily at any moment, literally any, run foul of a wall, a tree or 03:0040;01[A ]| similar obstacle, which of course it would be$1$ prohibited to$9$ circumvent, and 03:0040;01[A ]| thereby have a end put to$4$ my gyrations as effectively as by the kind of cramp just 03:0040;01[A ]| mentioned. 03:0040;01@@@@@| 03:0040;01[A ]| But obstacles, it appears, can be$1$ removed in the fullness of time, but 03:0040;01[A ]| not by me, me they would stop dead forever, if I lived among them. But even 03:0040;01[A ]| without such aids it seems to$4$ me that once beyond the equator you would start 03:0040;01[A ]| turning inwards again, out of sheer necessity, I somehow have that feeling. At 03:0040;01[A ]| the particular moment I am referring to$4$, I mean when I took myself for Mahood, 03:0040;01[A ]| I must have$1$ been coming to$4$ the end of a world tour, perhaps 03:0041;01[A ]| not more than two or three centuries to$9$ go. My state of decay lends colour to$4$ 03:0041;01[A ]| this view, perhaps I had left my leg behind in the Pacific, yes, no perhaps about it, 03:0041;01[A ]| I had, somewhere off the coast of Java and its jungles red with rafflesia stinking of 03:0041;01[A ]| carrion, no, that is the Indian Ocean, what a gazeteer I am, no matter, somewhere 03:0041;01[A ]| round there. In a word I was returning to$4$ the fold, admittedly reduced, and 03:0041;01[A ]| doubtless fated to$9$ be$1$ even more so, before I could be$1$ restored to$4$ my wife and 03:0041;01[A ]| parents, you know, my loved ones, and clasp in my arms, both of which I had 03:0041;01[A ]| succeeded in preserving, my little ones born in my absence. I found myself in a 03:0041;01[A ]| kind of vast yard or campus, surrounded by high walls, its surface a amalgam of 03:0041;01[A ]| dirt and ashes, and this seemed sweet to$4$ me after the vast and heaving wastes I 03:0041;01[A ]| had traversed, if my information was correct. I almost felt out of danger! At the 03:0041;01[A ]| centre of this enclosure stood a small rotunda, windowless, but well furnished 03:0041;01[A ]| with loopholes. Without being quite sure I had seen it before, I had been so long 03:0041;01[A ]| from home, I kept saying to$4$ myself, Yonder is the nest you should never have$1$ 03:0041;01[A ]| left, there your dear absent ones are awaiting your return, patiently, and you too 03:0041;01[A ]| must be$1$ patient. It was swarming with them, grandpa, grandma, little mother and 03:0041;01[A ]| the eight or nine brats. With their eyes glued to$4$ the slits and their hearts going 03:0041;01[A ]| out to$4$ me they surveyed my efforts. This yard so long deserted was now 03:0041;01[A ]| enlivened, for them, by me. So we turned, in our respective orbits, I without, they 03:0041;01[A ]| within. At night, keeping watch by turns, they observed me with the help of a 03:0041;01[A ]| searchlight. So the seasons came and went. The children increased in stature, the 03:0041;01[A ]| periods of Ptomaine grew pale, the ancients 03:0042;01[A ]| glowered at each other, muttering, to$4$ themselves,I will bury you yet, or, You will 03:0042;01[A ]| bury me yet. Since my arrival they had a subject of conversation, and even of 03:0042;01[A ]| discussion, the same as of old, at the moment of my setting forth, perhaps even 03:0042;01[A ]| a interest in life, the same as of old. Time hung less heavy on their hands. What 03:0042;01[A ]| about throwing him a few scraps? No no, it might upset him. They did not want 03:0042;01[A ]| to$9$ check the impetus that was sweeping me towards them. You would not know 03:0042;01[A ]| him! True, papa, and yet you can not mistake him. They who in the ordinary way 03:0042;01[A ]| never answered when spoken to$5$, my elders, my wife, she who had chosen me, 03:0042;01[A ]| rather than one of her$2$ suitors. A few more summers and he will be$1$ in our midst. 03:0042;01[A ]| Where am I going to$9$ put him? In the basement? Perhaps after all I am simply in 03:0042;01[A ]| the basement. What possesses him to$9$ be$1$ stopping all the time? Oh he was always 03:0042;01[A ]| like that, ever since he was a mite, always stopping, was not he, Granny? Yes 03:0042;01[A ]| indeed, never easy, always stopping. According to$4$ Mahood I never reached them, 03:0042;01[A ]| that is to$9$ say$1$ they all died first, the whole ten or eleven of them, carried off by 03:0042;01[A ]| sausage-poisoning, in great agony. Incommoded first by their shrieks, then by the 03:0042;01[A ]| stench of decomposition, I turned sadly away. But not so fast, otherwise we will 03:0042;01[A ]| never arrive. It is no longer I in any case. He will never reach us if he does not get a 03:0042;01[A ]| move on. He looks as if he had slowed down, since last year. Oh the last laps 03:0042;01[A ]| will not take him long. My missing leg did not seem to$9$ affect them, perhaps it was 03:0042;01[A ]| already missing when I left. What about throwing him a sponge? No no, it might 03:0042;01[A ]| confuse him. In the evening, after supper, while my wife kept her$2$ eye on me, 03:0042;01[A ]| gaffer and gammer related my life 03:0043;01[A ]| history, to$4$ the sleepy children. Bedtime story atmosphere. That is one of 03:0043;01[A ]| Mahood's favourite tricks, to$9$ produce ostensibly independent testimony in 03:0043;01[A ]| support of my historical existence. The instalment over, all joined in a hymn, 03:0043;01[A ]| Safe in the arms of Jesus, for example, or, Jesus lover of my soul, let me to$4$ thy 03:0043;01[A ]| bosom fly, for example. Then they went to$4$ bed, with the exception of the one on 03:0043;01[A ]| watch duty. My parents differed in their views on me, but they were agreed I had 03:0043;01[A ]| been a fine baby, at the very beginning, the first fortnight or three weeks. And yet 03:0043;01[A ]| he was a fine baby, with these words they invariably closed their relations. Often 03:0043;01[A ]| they fell silent, engulfed in their memories. Then it was usual for one of the 03:0043;01[A ]| children to$9$ launch, by way of envoy, the consecrated phrase, And yet he was a 03:0043;01[A ]| fine baby. A burst of clear and innocent laughter, from the mouths of those 03:0043;01[A ]| whom sleep had not yet overcome, greeted this premature conclusion. And the 03:0043;01[A ]| narrators themselves, torn from their melancholy thoughts, could scarce forbear 03:0043;01[A ]| to$9$ smile. Then they all rose, with the exception of my mother whose knees 03:0043;01[A ]| could not support her$6$, and sang, Gentle Jesus, meek and mild, for example, or, 03:0043;01[A ]| Jesus, my one, my all, hear me when I call, for example. He too must have$1$ been a 03:0043;01[A ]| fine baby. Finally my wife announced the latest news, for them to$9$ take to$4$ bed with 03:0043;01[A ]| them. He is backing away again, or, He is stopped to$9$ scratch himself, or, You 03:0043;01[A ]| should have$1$ seen him hopping sidelong, or, Oh look children, quick he is down 03:0043;01[A ]| on his hands and knee, admittedly that must have$1$ been worth seeing. It was then 03:0043;01[A ]| customary that someone should ask her$6$ if I was approaching none the less, if in 03:0043;01[A ]| spite of everything I was making headway, they 03:0044;01[A ]| could not hear the thought of going to$4$ bed, those who were still awake, without 03:0044;01[A ]| the assurance that I was not losing ground. Ptoto set their minds at rest. I had 03:0044;01[A ]| moved, no further proof was needed. I had been drawing near for so long now 03:0044;01[A ]| that provided I remained in motion there could be$1$ no cause for anxiety. I was 03:0044;01[A ]| launched, there was no reason why I should suddenly begin to$9$ retreat, I just 03:0044;01[A ]| was not made that way. Then having kissed all round and wished one another 03:0044;01[A ]| happy dreams they retired, with the exception of the watch. What about hailing 03:0044;01[A ]| him? Poor Papa, he burned to$9$ encourage me vocally. Stick it, lad, it is your last 03:0044;01[A ]| winter. But in view of the trouble I was having, the trouble I was taking, they 03:0044;01[A ]| held him back, pointing out that the moment was ill-chosen to$9$ give me a shock. 03:0044;01[A ]| But what were my own feelings at this period? What was I thinking of? With 03:0044;01[A ]| what? Was I having difficulty with my morale? The answer to$4$ all that is this, I 03:0044;01[A ]| quote Mahood, that I was entirely absorbed in the business on hand and not at all 03:0044;01[A ]| concerned to$9$ know precisely, or even approximately, what it consisted in. The 03:0044;01[A ]| only problem for me was how to$9$ continue, since I could not do$1$ otherwise, to$4$ the 03:0044;01[A ]| best of my declining powers, in the motion which had been imparted to$4$ me. This 03:0044;01[A ]| obligation, and the quasi-impossibility of fulfilling it, engrossed me in a purely 03:0044;01[A ]| mechanical way, excluding notably the free play of the intelligence and sensibility, 03:0044;01[A ]| so that my situation rather resembled that of a old broken-down cart or 03:0044;01[A ]| bat-horse unable to$9$ receive the least information either from its instinct or from its 03:0044;01[A ]| observation as to$4$ whether it is moving towards the stable or away from 03:0045;01[A ]| it, and not greatly caring either way. The question, among others, of how such 03:0045;01[A ]| things are possible had long since ceased to$9$ preoccupy me. This touching picture 03:0045;01[A ]| of my situation I found by no means unattractive and as I recall it I find myself 03:0045;01[A ]| wondering again if I was not in fact the creature revolving in that yard, as 03:0045;01[A ]| Mahood assured me. Well supplied with pain-killers I drew upon them freely, 03:0045;01[A ]| without however permitting myself the lethal dose that would have$1$ cut short my 03:0045;01[A ]| functions, whatever they may have$1$ been. Having somehow or other remarked 03:0045;01[A ]| the habitation and even admitted to$4$ myself that I had perhaps seen it before, I 03:0045;01[A ]| gave it no further thought, nor to$4$ the near and dear ones that filled it to$4$ 03:0045;01[A ]| overflowing, in a mounting fever of impatience. Though now close at hand, as 03:0045;01[A ]| the crow flies, to$4$ my goal, I did not quicken my step. I could have$1$ no doubt, but I 03:0045;01[A ]| had to$9$ husband my strength, if I was ever to$9$ arrive. I had no wish to$9$ arrive, but I 03:0045;01[A ]| had to$9$ do$1$ my utmost, in order to$9$ arrive. A desirable goal, no, I never had time to$9$ 03:0045;01[A ]| dwell on that. To$9$ go on, I still call that on, to$9$ go on and get on has been my only 03:0045;01[A ]| care, if not always in a straight line, at least in obedience to$4$ the figure assigned to$4$ 03:0045;01[A ]| me, there was never any room in my life for anything else. Still Mahood 03:0045;01[A ]| speaking. Never once have I stopped. My halts do not count. Their purpose was 03:0045;01[A ]| to$9$ enable me to$9$ go on. I did not use them to$9$ brood on my lot, but to$9$ rub myself as 03:0045;01[A ]| best I might with Elliman's Embrocation, for example, or to$9$ give myself a 03:0045;01[A ]| injection of laudanum, no easy matters for a man with only one leg. Often the cry 03:0045;01[A ]| went up, He is down! But in reality I had sunk to$4$ the ground of 03:0046;01[A ]| my own free will, in order to$9$ be$1$ rid of my crutches and have$1$ both hands 03:0046;01[A ]| available to$9$ minister to$4$ myself in peace and comfort. Admittedly it is difficult, 03:0046;01[A ]| for a man with but one leg, to$9$ sink to$4$ earth in the full force of the expression, 03:0046;01[A ]| particularly when he is weak in the head and the sole surviving leg flaccid for 03:0046;01[A ]| want of exercise, or from excess of it. The simplest thing then is to$9$ fling away the 03:0046;01[A ]| crutches and collapse. That is what I did. They were therefore right in saying I had 03:0046;01[A ]| fallen, they were not far wrong. Oh I have also been known to$9$ fall involuntarily, 03:0046;01[A ]| but not often, a old warrior like me, you can imagine. But have it any way you 03:0046;01[A ]| like. Up or down, taking my anodynes, waiting for the pain to$9$ abate, panting to$9$ be$1$ 03:0046;01[A ]| on my way again, I stopped, if you insist, but not in the sense they meant when 03:0046;01[A ]| they said, He is down again, he will never reach us. When I penetrate into that 03:0046;01[A ]| house, if I ever do, it will be$1$ to$9$ go on turning, faster and faster, more and more 03:0046;01[A ]| convulsive, like a constipated dog, or one suffering from worms, overturning the 03:0046;01[A ]| furniture, in the midst of my family all trying to$9$ embrace me at once, until by 03:0046;01[A ]| virtue of a supreme spasm I am catapulted in the opposite direction and 03:0046;01[A ]| gradually leave backwards, without having said good-evening. I must really lend 03:0046;01[A ]| myself to$4$ this story a little longer, there may possibly be$1$ a grain of truth in it. 03:0046;01[A ]| Mahood must have$1$ remarked that I remained sceptical, for he casually let fall 03:0046;01[A ]| that I was lacking not only a leg, but a arm also. With regard to$4$ the homologous 03:0046;01[A ]| crutch, I seemed to$9$ have$1$ retained sufficient armpit to$9$ hold and manoeuvre it, 03:0046;01[A ]| with the help of my unique foot to$9$ kick the end of it forward as occasion required. 03:0046;01[A ]| But what shocked me profoundly, to$4$ such a degree 03:0047;01[A ]| that my mind (Mahood dixit) was assailed by insuperable doubts, was the 03:0047;01[A ]| suggestion that the misfortune experienced by my family and brought to$4$ my 03:0047;01[A ]| notice first by the noise of their agony, then by the smell of their corpses, had 03:0047;01[A ]| caused me to$9$ turn back. 03:0047;01@@@@@| 03:0047;01[A ]| From that moment on I ceased to$9$ go along with him. I will 03:0047;01[A ]| explain why, that will permit me to$9$ think of something.else and in the first place 03:0047;01[A ]| of how to$9$ get back to$4$ me, back to$4$ where I am waiting for me, I had just as soon not, 03:0047;01[A ]| but it is my only chance, at least I think so, the only chance I have of going silent, 03:0047;01[A ]| of saying something at last that is not false, if that is what they want, so as to$9$ have$1$ 03:0047;01[A ]| nothing more to$9$ say$1$. My reasons. I will give three or four, that ought to$9$ be$1$ enough 03:0047;01[A ]| for me. First this family of mine, the mere fact of having a family should have$1$ 03:0047;01[A ]| put me on my guard. But my good will at certain moments is such, and my 03:0047;01[A ]| longing to$9$ have$1$ floundered however briefly, however feebly, in the great life 03:0047;01[A ]| torrent streaming from the earliest protozoa to$4$ the very latest humans, that I, no, 03:0047;01[A ]| parenthesis unfinished. I will begin again. My family. To$9$ begin with it had no part 03:0047;01[A ]| or share in what I was doing. Having set forth from that place, it was only natural 03:0047;01[A ]| I should return to$4$ it, given the accuracy of my navigation. And my family could 03:0047;01[A ]| have$1$ moved to$4$ other quarters during my absence, and settled down a hundred 03:0047;01[A ]| leagues away, without my deviating by as much as a hair's-breadth from my 03:0047;01[A ]| course. As for the screams of pain and wafts of decomposition, assuming I was 03:0047;01[A ]| capable of noticing them, they would have$1$ seemed to$4$ me quite in the natural 03:0047;01[A ]| order of things, such as I had come to$9$ know it. If before such manifestations I had 03:0047;01[A ]| been compelled each time to$9$ turn aside, I should 03:0048;01[A ]| not have$1$ got very far. Washed on the surface only by the rains, my head 03:0048;01[A ]| cracking with unutterable imprecations, it was from myself I should have$1$ had to$9$ 03:0048;01[A ]| turn aside, before all else. After all perhaps I was doing so, that would account for 03:0048;01[A ]| my vaguely circular motion. Lies, lies, mine was not to$9$ know, nor to$9$ judge, nor to$9$ 03:0048;01[A ]| rail, but to$9$ go. That the bacillus botulinus should have$1$ exterminated my entire 03:0048;01[A ]| kith and kin, I shall never weary of repeating this, was something I could readily 03:0048;01[A ]| admit, but only on condition that my personal behaviour had not to$9$ suffer by it. 03:0048;01[A ]| Let us rather consider what really took place, if Mahood was telling the truth. 03:0048;01[A ]| And why should he have$1$ lied to$4$ me, he so anxious to$9$ obtain my adhesion, to$4$ 03:0048;01[A ]| what now that I come to$9$ think of it, to$4$ his conception of me? Why? For fear of 03:0048;01[A ]| paining me perhaps. But I am there to$9$ be$1$ pained, that is what my tempters have 03:0048;01[A ]| never grasped. What they all wanted, each according to$4$ his particular notion of 03:0048;01[A ]| what is endurable, was that I should exist and at the same time be$1$ only 03:0048;01[A ]| moderately, or perhaps I should say$1$ finitely pained. They have even killed me 03:0048;01[A ]| off, with the friendly remark that having reached the end of my endurance I had 03:0048;01[A ]| no choice but to$9$ disappear. The end of my endurance! It was one second they 03:0048;01[A ]| should have$1$ schooled me to$9$ endure, after that I would have$1$ held out for all 03:0048;01[A ]| eternity, whistling a merry tune. The hard knocks they invented for me! But the 03:0048;01[A ]| bouquet was this story of Mahood's in which I appear as upset at having been 03:0048;01[A ]| delivered so economically of a pack of blood relations, not to$9$ mention the two 03:0048;01[A ]| cunts into the bargain, the one for ever accursed that ejected me into this world 03:0048;01[A ]| and the other, infundibuliform, in which, pumping my likes, 03:0049;01[A ]| I tried to$9$ take my revenge. To$9$ tell the truth, let us be$1$ honest at least, it is some 03:0049;01[A ]| considerable time now since I last knew what I was talking about. It is because my 03:0049;01[A ]| thoughts are elsewhere. I am therefore forgiven. So long as one's thoughts are 03:0049;01[A ]| somewhere everything is permitted. On then, without misgiving, as if nothing 03:0049;01[A ]| had happened. And let us consider what really took place, if Mahood was telling 03:0049;01[A ]| the truth when he represented me as rid at one glorious sweep of parents, wife 03:0049;01[A ]| and heirs. I have plenty of time to$9$ blow it all skyhigh, this circus where it is enough 03:0049;01[A ]| to$9$ breathe to$9$ qualify for asphyxiation, I will find a way out of it, it will not be$1$ like the 03:0049;01[A ]| other times. But I should not like to$9$ defame my defamer. For when he made me 03:0049;01[A ]| turn and set off in the other direction, before I had exhausted the possibilities of 03:0049;01[A ]| the one I was pursuing, he had not in mind a shrinking of the spirit, not for a 03:0049;01[A ]| moment, but a purely physiological commotion, followed by a simple desire to$9$ 03:0049;01[A ]| vomit, corresponding respectively to$4$ the howls of my family as they grudgingly 03:0049;01[A ]| succumbed and the subsequent stench, this latter compelling me to$9$ beat in retreat 03:0049;01[A ]| under penalty of losing consciousness entirely. This version of the facts having 03:0049;01[A ]| been restored, it only remains to$9$ say$1$ it is no better than the other and no less 03:0049;01[A ]| incompatible with the kind of creature I might just conceivably have$1$ been if they 03:0049;01[A ]| had known how to$9$ take me. So let us consider now what really occurred. Finally I 03:0049;01[A ]| found myself, without surprise, within the building, circular in form as already 03:0049;01[A ]| stated, its ground-floor consisting of a single room flush with the arena, and there 03:0049;01[A ]| completed my rounds, stamping under foot the unrecognizable remains of my 03:0049;01[A ]| family, he,re a face, there 03:0050;01[A ]| a stomach, as the case might be$1$, and sinking into them with the ends of my 03:0050;01[A ]| crutches, both coming and going. To$9$ say$1$ I did so with satisfaction would be$1$ 03:0050;01[A ]| stretching the truth. For my feeling was rather one of annoyance at having to$9$ 03:0050;01[A ]| flounder in such muck just at the moment when my closing contortions called 03:0050;01[A ]| for a firm and level surface. I like to$9$ fancy, even if it is not true, that it was in 03:0050;01[A ]| mother's entrails I spent the last days of my long voyage, and set out on the next. 03:0050;01[A ]| No, I have no preference, Isolde's breast would have$1$ done just as well, or papa's 03:0050;01[A ]| private parts, or the heart of one of the little bastards. But is it certain? Would I 03:0050;01[A ]| have$1$ not been more likely, in a sudden access of independence, to$9$ devour what 03:0050;01[A ]| remained of the fatal corned-beef? How often did I fall during these final stages, 03:0050;01[A ]| while the storms raged without? But enough of this nonsense. I was never 03:0050;01[A ]| anywhere but here, no one ever got me out of here. Enough of acting the infant 03:0050;01[A ]| who has been told so often how he was found under a cabbage that in the end he 03:0050;01[A ]| remembers the exact spot in the garden and the kind of life he led there before 03:0050;01[A ]| joining the family circle. There will be$1$ no more from me about bodies and 03:0050;01[A ]| trajectories, sky and earth, I do not know what it all is. They have told me, 03:0050;01[A ]| explained to$4$ me, described to$4$ me, what it all is, what it looks like, what it is all for, 03:0050;01[A ]| one after the other, thousands of times, in thousands of connexions, until I must 03:0050;01[A ]| have$1$ begun to$9$ look as if I understood. Who would ever think, to$9$ hear me, that 03:0050;01[A ]| I have never seen anything, never heard anything but their voices? And man, the 03:0050;01[A ]| lectures they gave me on men, before they even began trying to$9$ assimilate me to$4$ 03:0050;01[A ]| him! What I speak of, what I speak 03:0051;01[A ]| with, all comes from them. It is all the same to$4$ me, but it is no good, there is no 03:0051;01[A ]| end to$4$ it. It is of me now I must speak, even if I have to$9$ do$1$ it with their language, 03:0051;01[A ]| it will be$1$ a start, a step towards silence and the end of madness, the madness of 03:0051;01[A ]| having to$9$ speak and not being able to$9$, except of things that do not concern me, that 03:0051;01[A ]| do not count, that I do not believe, that they have crammed me full of to$9$ prevent 03:0051;01[A ]| me from saying who I am, where I am, and from doing what I have to$9$ do$1$ in the 03:0051;01[A ]| only way that can put a end to$4$ it, from doing what I have to$9$ do$1$. How they must 03:0051;01[A ]| hate me! Ah a nice state they have me in, but still I am not their creature, not 03:0051;01[A ]| quite, not yet. To$9$ testify to$4$ them, until I die, as if there was any dying with that 03:0051;01[A ]| tomfoolery, that is what they have sworn they will bring me to$4$. Not to$9$ be$1$ able to$9$ open 03:0051;01[A ]| my mouth without proclaiming them, and our fellowship, that is what they 03:0051;01[A ]| imagine they will have$1$ me reduced to$4$. It is a poor trick that consists in ramming a 03:0051;01[A ]| set of words down your gullet on the principle that you can not bring them up 03:0051;01[A ]| without being branded as belonging to$4$ their breed. But I will fix their gibberish for 03:0051;01[A ]| them. I never understood a word of it in any case, not a word of the stories it 03:0051;01[A ]| spews, like gobbets in a vomit. My inability to$9$ absorb, my genius for forgetting, are 03:0051;01[A ]| more than they reckoned with. Dear incomprehension, it is thanks to$4$ you I will be$1$ 03:0051;01[A ]| myself, in the end. Nothing will remain of all the lies they have glutted me with. 03:0051;01[A ]| And I will be$1$ myself at last, as a starveling belches his odourless wind, before the 03:0051;01[A ]| bliss of coma. But who, they? Is it really worth while inquiring? With my cogged 03:0051;01[A ]| means? No, but that is no reason not to$9$. On their own ground, with their own 03:0052;01[A ]| arms, I will scatter them, and their miscreated puppets. Perhaps I will find traces of 03:0052;01[A ]| myself by the same occasion. That is decided then. What is strange is that they 03:0052;01[A ]| have not been pestering me for some time past, yes, they have inflicted the notion of 03:0052;01[A ]| time on me too. What conclusion, using their methods, am I to$9$ draw from this? 03:0052;01[A ]| Mahood is silent, that is to$9$ say$1$ his voice continues, but is no longer renewed. 03:0052;01[A ]| Do they consider me so plastered with their rubbish that I can never extricate 03:0052;01[A ]| myself, never make a gesture but their cast must come to$4$ life? But within, 03:0052;01[A ]| motionless, I can live, and utter me, for no ears but my own. They loaded me 03:0052;01[A ]| down with their trappings and stoned me through the carnival. I will sham dead 03:0052;01[A ]| now, whom they could not bring to$4$ life, and my monster's carapace will rot off 03:0052;01[A ]| me. But it is entirely a matter of voices, no other metaphor is appropriate. 03:0052;01[A ]| They have blown me up with their voices, like a balloon, and even as I collapse it is 03:0052;01[A ]| them I hear. Who, them? And why nothing more from them lately? Can it be$1$ 03:0052;01[A ]| they have abandoned me, saying, Very well, there is nothing to$9$ be$1$ done with him, 03:0052;01[A ]| let us leave it at that, he is not dangerous. Ah but the little murmur of 03:0052;01[A ]| unconsenting man, to$9$ murmur what it is their humanity stifles, the little gasp of 03:0052;01[A ]| the condemned to$4$ life, rotting in his dungeon garrotted and racked, to$9$ gasp what 03:0052;01[A ]| it is to$9$ have$1$ to$9$ celebrate banishment, beware. No, they have nothing to$9$ fear, I am 03:0052;01[A ]| walled round with their vociferations, none will ever know what I am, none will 03:0052;01[A ]| ever hear me say$1$ it, I will not say$1$ it, I can not say$1$ it, I have no language but theirs, no, 03:0052;01[A ]| perhaps I will say$1$ it, even with their language, for me alone, so as not to$9$ have$1$ not 03:0052;01[A ]| lived in vain, and so as to$9$ go silent, if that is what confers the right to$4$ silence, 03:0053;01[A ]| and it is unlikely, it is they who have silence in their gift, they who decide, the 03:0053;01[A ]| same old gang, among themselves, no matter, to$4$ hell with silence, I will say$1$ what I 03:0053;01[A ]| am, so as not to$9$ have$1$ not been born for nothing, I will fix their jargon for them, 03:0053;01[A ]| then any old thing, no matter what, whatever they want, with a will, till time is 03:0053;01[A ]| done, at least with a good grace 03:0053;01@@@@@| 03:0053;01[A ]| First I will say$1$ what I am not, that is how they taught 03:0053;01[A ]| me to$9$ proceed, then what I am, it is already under way, I have only to$9$ resume at 03:0053;01[A ]| the point where I let myself be$1$ cowed. I am neither, I need not say$1$, Murphy, nor 03:0053;01[A ]| Watt, nor Mercier, nor ~~ no, I can not even bring myself to$9$ name them, nor any of 03:0053;01[A ]| the others whose very names I forget, who told me I was they, who I must have$1$ 03:0053;01[A ]| tried to$9$ be$1$, under duress, or through fear, or to$9$ avoid acknowledging me, not the 03:0053;01[A ]| slightest connexion. I never desired, never sought, never suffered, never partook 03:0053;01[A ]| in any of that, never knew what it was to$9$ have$1$, things, adversaries, mind, senses. 03:0053;01[A ]| But enough of this. There is no use denying, no use harping on the same old 03:0053;01[A ]| thing I know so well, and so easy to$9$ say$1$, and which simply amounts in the end to$4$ 03:0053;01[A ]| speaking yet again in the way they intend me to$9$ speak, that is to$9$ say$1$ about them, 03:0053;01[A ]| even with execration and disbelief. Perhaps they exist in the way they have 03:0053;01[A ]| decreed will be$1$ mine, it is possible, I do not know and I am not interested. If they 03:0053;01[A ]| had taught me how to$9$ wish I would wish they did. There is no getting rid of them 03:0053;01[A ]| without naming them and their contraptions, that is the thing to$9$ keep in mind. I 03:0053;01[A ]| might as well tell another of Mahood's stories and no more about it, to$9$ be$1$ 03:0053;01[A ]| understood in the way I was given to$9$ understand it, namely as being about me. 03:0053;01[A ]| That is a idea. To$9$ heighten my disgust. I will recite it. 03:0054;01[A ]| This will leave me free to$9$ consider how I may best proceed with my own affair, 03:0054;01[A ]| beginning again at the point where I had to$9$ interrupt it, under duress, or through 03:0054;01[A ]| fear, or through ignorance. It will be$1$ the last story. I will try and look as if I was 03:0054;01[A ]| telling it willingly, to$9$ keep them quiet in case they should feel like refreshing my 03:0054;01[A ]| memory, on the subject of my behaviour 03:0054;01[A ]| above in the island, among my compatriots, contemporaries, coreligionists and 03:0054;01[A ]| companions in distress. This will leave me free to$9$ consider how to$9$ set about 03:0054;01[A ]| showing myself forth. No one will be$1$ any the wiser. But who are these maniacs 03:0054;01[A ]| let loose on me from on high for what they call my good, let us first try and throw 03:0054;01[A ]| a little light on that. To$9$ tell the truth ~~ no, first the story. The island, I am on the 03:0054;01[A ]| island, I have never left the island, God help me. I was under the impression I spent 03:0054;01[A ]| my life in spirals round the earth. Wrong, it is on the island I wind my endless 03:0054;01[A ]| ways. The island, that is all the earth I know. I do not know it either, never having 03:0054;01[A ]| had the stomach to$9$ look at it. When I come to$4$ the coast I turn back inland. And 03:0054;01[A ]| my course is not helicoidal, I got that wrong too, but a succession of irregular 03:0054;01[A ]| loops, now sharp and short as in the waltz, now of a parabolic sweep that 03:0054;01[A ]| embraces entire boglands, now between the two, somewhere or other, and 03:0054;01[A ]| invariably unpredictable in direction, that is to$9$ say$1$ determined by the panic of the 03:0054;01[A ]| moment. But at the period I refer to$4$ now this active life is at a end, I do not 03:0054;01[A ]| move and never shall again, unless it be$1$ under the impulsion of a third party. 03:0054;01[A ]| For of the great traveller I had been, on my hands and knees in the later stages, 03:0054;01[A ]| then crawling on my belly or rolling on the ground, only the trunk remains ( in 03:0054;01[A ]| sorry trim ), surmounted by 03:0055;01[A ]| the head with which we are already familiar, this is the part of myself the 03:0055;01[A ]| description of which I have best assimilated and retained. Stuck like a sheaf of 03:0055;01[A ]| flowers in a deep jar, its neck flush with my mouth, on the side of a quiet street 03:0055;01[A ]| near the shambles, I am at rest at last. If I turn, I shall not say$1$ my head, but my 03:0055;01[A ]| eyes, free to$9$ roll as they list, I can see the statue of the apostle of horse's meat, a 03:0055;01[A ]| bust. His pupilless eyes of stone are fixed upon me. That makes four, with those 03:0055;01[A ]| of my creator, omnipresent, do not imagine I flatter myself I am privileged. 03:0055;01[A ]| Though not exactly in order I am tolerated by the police. They know I am 03:0055;01[A ]| speechless and consequently incapable of taking unfair advantage of my situation 03:0055;01[A ]| to$9$ stir up the population against its governors, by means of burning oratory 03:0055;01[A ]| during the rush hour or subversive slogans whispered, after nightfall, to$4$ belated 03:0055;01[A ]| pedestrians the worse for drink. And since I have lost all my members, with the 03:0055;01[A ]| exception of the onetime virile, they know also that I shall not be$1$ guilty of any 03:0055;01[A ]| gestures liable to$9$ be$1$ construed as inciting to$4$ alms, a prisonable offence. The fact is 03:0055;01[A ]| I trouble no one, except possibly that category of hypersensitive persons for whom 03:0055;01[A ]| the least thing is a occasion for scandal and indignation. But even here the risk 03:0055;01[A ]| is negligible, such people avoiding the neighbourhood for fear of being overcome 03:0055;01[A ]| at the sight of the cattle, fat and fresh from their pastures, trooping towards the 03:0055;01[A ]| humane killer. From this point of view the spot is well chosen, from my point of 03:0055;01[A ]| view. And even those sufficiently unhinged to$9$ be$1$ affected by the spectacle I offer, 03:0055;01[A ]| I mean upset and temporarily diminished in their capacity for work and aptitude 03:0055;01[A ]| for happiness, need only look at me a 03:0056;01[A ]| second time, those who can bring themselves to$9$ do$1$ it, to$9$ have$1$ immediately 03:0056;01[A ]| their minds made easy. For my face reflects nothing but the satisfaction of one 03:0056;01[A ]| savouring a well-earned rest. It is true my mouth was hidden, most of the time, 03:0056;01[A ]| and my eyes closed. Ah yes, sometimes it is in the past, sometimes in the present. 03:0056;01[A ]| And alone perhaps the state of my skull, covered with pustules and bluebottles, 03:0056;01[A ]| these latter naturally abounding in such a neighbourhood, preserved me from 03:0056;01[A ]| being a object of envy for many, and a source of discontent. I hope this gives a 03:0056;01[A ]| fair picture of my situation. Once a week I was taken out of my receptacle, so that 03:0056;01[A ]| it might be$1$ emptied. This duty fell to$4$ the proprietress of the chop-house across the 03:0056;01[A ]| street and she performed it punctually and without complaint, beyond a 03:0056;01[A ]| occasional good-natured reflection to$4$ the effect that I was a nasty old pig, for she 03:0056;01[A ]| had a kitchen-garden. Without perhaps having exactly won her$2$ heart it was clear 03:0056;01[A ]| I did not leave her$6$ indifferent. And before putting me back she took advantage of 03:0056;01[A ]| the circumstance that my mouth was accessible to$9$ stick into it a chunk of lights or 03:0056;01[A ]| a marrowbone. And when snow fell she covered me with a tarpaulin still 03:0056;01[A ]| watertight in places. It was under its shelter, snug and dry, that I became 03:0056;01[A ]| acquainted with the boon of tears, while wondering to$4$ what I was indebted for it, 03:0056;01[A ]| not feeling moved. And this not merely once, but every time she covered me, 03:0056;01[A ]| that is to$9$ say$1$ twice or three times a year. Yes, it was fatal, no sooner had the 03:0056;01[A ]| tarpaulin settled over me, and the precipitate steps of my benefactress died away, 03:0056;01[A ]| than the tears began to$9$ flow. Is this, was this to$9$ be$1$ interpreted as a effect of 03:0056;01[A ]| gratitude? But in that case should not I have$1$ felt grateful? Besides 03:0057;01[A ]| I realized darkly that if she took care of me thus, it was not solely out of 03:0057;01[A ]| goodness, or else I had not rightly understood the meaning of goodness, when it 03:0057;01[A ]| was explained to$4$ me. It must not be$1$ forgotten that I represented for this woman 03:0057;01[A ]| a undeniable asset. For quite apart from the services I rendered to$4$ her$2$ lettuce, I 03:0057;01[A ]| constituted for her$2$ establishment a kind of landmark, not to$9$ say$1$ a 03:0057;01[A ]| advertisement, far more effective than for example a chef in cardboard, pot-bellied 03:0057;01[A ]| in profile and full face wafer thin. That she was well aware of this is 03:0057;01[A ]| shown by the trouble she had taken to$9$ festoon my jar with Chinese lanterns, of a 03:0057;01[A ]| very pretty effect in the twilight, and 7a 7fortiori in the night. And the jar itself, so 03:0057;01[A ]| that the passer-by might consult with greater ease the menu attached to$4$ it, had 03:0057;01[A ]| been raised on a pedestal at her$2$ own expense. It is thus I learnt that her$2$ turnips in 03:0057;01[A ]| gravy are not so good as they used to$9$ be$1$, but that on the other hand her$2$ carrots, 03:0057;01[A ]| equally in gravy, are even better than formerly. The gravy has not varied. This is 03:0057;01[A ]| the kind of language I can almost understand, these the kind of clear and simple 03:0057;01[A ]| notions on which it is possible for me to$9$ build, I ask for no other spiritual 03:0057;01[A ]| nourishment. A turnip, I know roughly what a turnip is like, a carrot too, 03:0057;01[A ]| particularly the Flakkee, or Colmar Red. I seem to$9$ grasp at certain moments the 03:0057;01[A ]| nuance that divides bad from worse. And if I do not always feel the full force of 03:0057;01[A ]| yesterday and today, this does not detract very much from the satisfaction I feel at 03:0057;01[A ]| having penetrated the gist of the matter. Of her$2$ salad, for example, I never heard 03:0057;01[A ]| anything but praise. Yes, I represent for her$6$ a tidy little capital and, if I should 03:0057;01[A ]| ever happen to$9$ die, I am convinced she would be$1$ genuinely annoyed. This 03:0057;01[A ]| should 03:0058;01[A ]| help me to$9$ live. I like to$9$ fancy that when the fatal hour of reckoning comes, if it 03:0058;01[A ]| ever does, and my debt to$4$ nature is paid off at last, she will do$1$ her$2$ best to$9$ prevent 03:0058;01[A ]| the removal, from where it now stands, of the old vase in which I shall have$1$ 03:0058;01[A ]| accomplished my vicissitudes. And perhaps in the place now occupied by my 03:0058;01[A ]| head she will set a melon, or a vegetable-marrow, or a big pineapple with its little 03:0058;01[A ]| tuft, or better still, I do not know why, a swede, in memory of me. Then I shall not 03:0058;01[A ]| vanish quite, as is so often the way with people when buried. But it is not to$9$ 03:0058;01[A ]| speak of her$6$ that I have started lying again. De nobis ipsis-silemus, decidedly that 03:0058;01[A ]| should have$1$ been my motto. Yes, they gave me some lessons in pigsty latin too, it 03:0058;01[A ]| looks well, sprinkled through the perjury. It is perhaps worth noting that snow 03:0058;01[A ]| alone, provided of course it is heavy, entitles me to$4$ the tarpaulin. No other form 03:0058;01[A ]| of filthy weather lets loose in her$6$ the maternal instinct, in my favour. I have tried 03:0058;01[A ]| to$9$ make her$6$ understand, dashing my head angrily against the neck of the jar, that 03:0058;01[A ]| I should like to$9$ be$1$ shrouded more often. At the same time I let my spittle flow 03:0058;01[A ]| over, in a attempt to$9$ show my displeasure. In vain. I wonder what explanation 03:0058;01[A ]| she can have$1$ found to$9$ account for this behaviour. She must have$1$ talked it over 03:0058;01[A ]| with her$2$ husband and probably been told that I was merely stifling, that is just the 03:0058;01[A ]| reverse of the truth. But credit where credit is due, we made a balls of it between 03:0058;01[A ]| us, I with my signs and she with her$2$ reading of them. This story is no good, I am 03:0058;01[A ]| beginning almost to$9$ believe it. But let us see now it is supposed to$9$ end, that will 03:0058;01[A ]| sober me. The trouble is I forget how it goes on. But did I ever know? Perhaps it 03:0058;01[A ]| stops there, perhaps they stopped it 03:0059;01[A ]| there, saying, who knows, There you are now, you do not need us any more. 03:0059;01[A ]| This in fact is one of their favourite devices, to$9$ stop suddenly at the least sign of 03:0059;01[A ]| adhesion from me, leaving me high and dry, with nothing for my renewal but 03:0059;01[A ]| the life they have imputed to$4$ me. And it is only when they see me stranded that 03:0059;01[A ]| they take up again the thread of my misfortunes, judging me still insufficiently 03:0059;01[A ]| vitalized to$9$ bring them to$4$ a successful conclusion alone. 03:0059;01@@@@@| 03:0059;01[A ]| But instead of making 03:0059;01[A ]| the junction, I have often noticed this, I mean instead of resuming me at the 03:0059;01[A ]| point where I was left off, they pick me up at a much later stage, perhaps thereby 03:0059;01[A ]| hoping to$9$ induce in me the illusion that I had got through the interval all on my 03:0059;01[A ]| own, lived without help of any kind for quite some time, and with no 03:0059;01[A ]| recollection of by what means or in what circumstances, or even died, all on my 03:0059;01[A ]| own, and come back to$4$ earth again, by way of the vagina like a real live baby, and 03:0059;01[A ]| reached a ripe age, and even senility, without the least assistance from them and 03:0059;01[A ]| thanks solely to$4$ the hints they had given me. To$9$ saddle me with a lifetime is 03:0059;01[A ]| probably not enough for them, I have to$9$ be$1$ given a taste of two or three 03:0059;01[A ]| generations. But it is not certain. Perhaps all they have told me has reference to$4$ a 03:0059;01[A ]| single existence, the confusion of identities being merely apparent and due to$4$ my 03:0059;01[A ]| inaptitude to$9$ assume any. If I ever succeed in dying under my own steam, then 03:0059;01[A ]| they will be$1$ in a better position to$9$ decide if I am worthy to$9$ adorn another age, or 03:0059;01[A ]| to$9$ try the same one again, with the benefit of my experience. I may therefore 03:0059;01[A ]| perhaps legitimately suppose that the onearmed one-legged wayfarer of a 03:0059;01[A ]| moment ago and the wedge-headed trunk in which I am now marooned are 03:0060;01[A ]| simply two phases of the same carnal envelope, the soul being notoriously 03:0060;01[A ]| immune from deterioration and dismemberment. Having lost one leg, what 03:0060;01[A ]| indeed more likely than that I should mislay the other? And similarly for the 03:0060;01[A ]| arms. A natural transition in sum. But what then of that other old age they 03:0060;01[A ]| bestowed upon me, if I remember right, and that other middle age, when neither 03:0060;01[A ]| legs nor arms were lacking, but simply the power to$9$ profit by them? And of that 03:0060;01[A ]| kind of youth in which they had to$9$ give me up for dead? If I have a warm place, it 03:0060;01[A ]| is not in their hearts. Oh I do not say$1$ they have not done all they could to$9$ be$1$ 03:0060;01[A ]| agreeable to$4$ me, to$9$ get me out of here, on no matter what pretext, in no matter 03:0060;01[A ]| what disguise. All I reproach them with is their insistence. For beyond them is 03:0060;01[A ]| that other who will not give me quittance until they have abandoned me as 03:0060;01[A ]| inutilizable and restored me to$4$ myself. Then at last I can set about saying what I 03:0060;01[A ]| was, and where, during all this long lost time. But who is he, if my guess is right, 03:0060;01[A ]| who is waiting for that, from me? And who these others whose designs are so 03:0060;01[A ]| different? And into whose hands I play when I ask myself such questions? But do 03:0060;01[A ]| I, do I? In the jar did I ask myself questions? And in the arena? I have dwindled, I 03:0060;01[A ]| dwindle. Not so long ago, with a kind of shrink of my head and shoulders, as 03:0060;01[A ]| when one is scolded, I could disappear. Soon, at my present rate of decrease, I may 03:0060;01[A ]| spare myself this effort. And spare myself the trouble of closing my eyes, so as not 03:0060;01[A ]| to$9$ see the day, for they are blinded by the jar a few inches away. And I have only 03:0060;01[A ]| to$9$ let my head fall forward against the wall to$9$ be$1$ sure that the light from 03:0061;01[A ]| above, which at night is that of the moon, will not be$1$ reflected there either, in 03:0061;01[A ]| those little blue mirrors, I used to$9$ look at myself in them, to$9$ try and brighten 03:0061;01[A ]| them. Wrong again, wrong again, this effort and this trouble will not be$1$ spared 03:0061;01[A ]| me. For the woman, displeased at seeing me sink lower and lower, has raised me 03:0061;01[A ]| up by filling the bottom of my jar with sawdust which she changes every week, 03:0061;01[A ]| when she makes my toilet. It is softer than the stone, but less hygienic. And I had 03:0061;01[A ]| got used to$4$ the stone. Now I am getting used to$4$ the sawdust. It is a occupation. I 03:0061;01[A ]| could never bear to$9$ be$1$ idle, it saps one's energy. And I open and close my eyes, 03:0061;01[A ]| open and close, as in the past. And I move my head in and out, in and out, as 03:0061;01[A ]| heretofore. And often at dawn, having left it out all night, I bring it in, to$9$ mock 03:0061;01[A ]| the woman and lead her$6$ astray. For in the morning, when she has rattled up her$2$ 03:0061;01[A ]| shutters, the first look of her$2$ eyes still moist with fornication is for the jar. And 03:0061;01[A ]| when she does not see my head she comes running to$9$ find out what has 03:0061;01[A ]| happened. For either I have escaped during the night or else I have shrunk again. 03:0061;01[A ]| But just before she reaches me I up with it like a jack-in-the-box, the old eyes 03:0061;01[A ]| glaring up at her$6$. I mentioned I can not turn my head, and this is true, my neck 03:0061;01[A ]| having stiffened prematurely. But this does not mean it is always facing in the 03:0061;01[A ]| same direction. For with a kind of tossing and writhing I succeed in imparting to$4$ 03:0061;01[A ]| my trunk the degree of rotation required, and not merely in one direction, but in 03:0061;01[A ]| the other also. My little game, which I should have$1$ thought inoffensive, has cost 03:0061;01[A ]| me dear, and yet I could have$1$ sworn I was insolvable. It is true one does 03:0062;01[A ]| not know one's riches until they are lost and I probably have others still that 03:0062;01[A ]| only await the thief to$9$ be$1$ brought to$4$ my notice. And today, if I can still open and 03:0062;01[A ]| close my eyes, as in the past, I can no longer, because of my roguish character, 03:0062;01[A ]| move my head in and out, as in the good old days. For a collar, fixed to$4$ the 03:0062;01[A ]| mouth of the jar, now encircles my neck, just below the chin. And my lips which 03:0062;01[A ]| used to$9$ be$1$ hidden, and which I sometimes pressed against the freshness of the 03:0062;01[A ]| stone, can now be$1$ seen by all and sundry. Did I say$1$ I catch flies? I snap them up, 03:0062;01[A ]| clack! Does this mean I still have my teeth? To$9$ have$1$ lost one's limbs and 03:0062;01[A ]| preserved one's dentition, what a mockery! But to$9$ revert now to$4$ the gloomy side 03:0062;01[A ]| of this affair, I may say$1$ that this collar, or ring, of cement, makes it very awkward 03:0062;01[A ]| for me to$9$ turn, in the way I have said. I take advantage of this to$9$ learn to$9$ stay 03:0062;01[A ]| quiet. To$9$ have$1$ forever before my eyes, when 1 open them, approximately the 03:0062;01[A ]| same set of hallucinations exactly, is a joy I might never have$1$ known, but for my 03:0062;01[A ]| cang. There is really only one thing that worries me, and that is the prospect of 03:0062;01[A ]| being throttled if I should ever happen to$9$ shorten further. Asphyxia! I who was 03:0062;01[A ]| always the respiratory type, witness this thorax still mine, together with the 03:0062;01[A ]| abdomen. I who murmured, each time I breathed in, Here comes more oxygen, 03:0062;01[A ]| and each time I breathed out, There go the impurities, the blood is bright red 03:0062;01[A ]| again. The blue face! The obscene protrusion of the tongue! The tumefaction of 03:0062;01[A ]| the penis! The penis, well now, that is a nice surprise, I had forgotten I had one. 03:0062;01[A ]| What a pity I have no arms, there might still be$1$ something to$9$ be$1$ wrung from it. 03:0062;01[A ]| No, it is better thus. At my age, to$9$ start manstuprating again, it would be$1$ 03:0063;01[A ]| indecent. And fruitless. And yet one can never tell. With a yo heave ho, 03:0063;01[A ]| concentrating with all my might on a horse's rump, at the moment when the tail 03:0063;01[A ]| rises, who knows, I might not go altogether empty-handed away. Heaven, I 03:0063;01[A ]| almost felt it flutter! Does this mean they did not geld me? I could have$1$ sworn 03:0063;01[A ]| they had gelt me. But perhaps I am getting mixed up with other scrota. Not 03:0063;01[A ]| another stir out of it in any case. I will concentrate again. A Clydesdale. A Suffolk 03:0063;01[A ]| stallion. Come come, a little cooperation please, finish dying, it is the least you 03:0063;01[A ]| might do$1$, after all the trouble they have taken to$9$ bring you to$4$ life. The worst is over. 03:0063;01[A ]| You have been sufficiently assassinated, sufficiently suicided, to$9$ be$1$ able now to$9$ 03:0063;01[A ]| stand on your own feet, like a big boy. That is what I keep telling myself. And I 03:0063;01[A ]| add, quite carried away, Slough off this mortal inertia, it is out of place, in this 03:0063;01[A ]| society. They can not do$1$ everything. They have put you on the right road, led you by 03:0063;01[A ]| the hand to$4$ the very brink of the precipice, now it is up to$4$ you, with a unassisted 03:0063;01[A ]| last step, to$9$ show them your gratitude. I like this colourful language, these bold 03:0063;01[A ]| metaphors and apostrophes. Through the splendours of nature they dragged a 03:0063;01[A ]| paralytic and now there is nothing more to$9$ admire it is my duty to$9$ jump, that it 03:0063;01[A ]| may be$1$ said, There goes another who has lived. It does not seem to$9$ occur to$4$ them 03:0063;01[A ]| that I was never there, that this glassy eye, this fallen chap and the foam at the 03:0063;01[A ]| mouth owe nothing to$4$ the Bay of Naples, or Aubervilliers. The last step! I who 03:0063;01[A ]| could never manage the first. But perhaps they would consider themselves 03:0063;01[A ]| sufficiently rewarded if I simply waited for the wind to$9$ blow me over. That by all 03:0063;01[A ]| means, it is in my repertory. The trouble is there is 03:0064;01[A ]| no wind equal to$4$ it. The cliff would have$1$ to$9$ cave in under me. If only I were 03:0064;01[A ]| alive inside one might look forward to$4$ heart-failure, or to$4$ a nice little infarctus 03:0064;01[A ]| somewhere or other. It is usually with sticks they put me out of their agony, the 03:0064;01[A ]| idea being to$9$ demonstrate, to$4$ the backers, and bystanders, that I had a beginning, 03:0064;01[A ]| and a end. Then planting the foot on my chest, where all is as usual, to$4$ the 03:0064;01[A ]| assembly, Ah if you had seen him fifty years ago, what push, what go! Knowing 03:0064;01[A ]| perfectly well they have to$9$ begin me all over again. But perhaps I exaggerate my 03:0064;01[A ]| need of them. I accuse myself of inertia, and yet I move, at least I did, can I by any 03:0064;01[A ]| chance have missed the tide? Let us consider the head. There something seems to$9$ 03:0064;01[A ]| stir, from time to$4$ time, no reason therefore to$9$ despair of a fit of apoplexy. What 03:0064;01[A ]| else? The organs of digestion and evacuation, though sluggish, are not wholly 03:0064;01[A ]| inactive, as is shown by the attentions I receive. It is encouraging. While there is 03:0064;01[A ]| life there is hope. The flies, considered as traumatic agents, hardly call for 03:0064;01[A ]| mention. I suppose they might bring me typhus. No, that is rats. I have seen a few, 03:0064;01[A ]| but they are not yet reduced to$4$ me. A lowly tapeworm? Not interesting. It is clear 03:0064;01[A ]| in any case that I have lost heart too lightly, it is quite possible I have all that is 03:0064;01[A ]| required to$9$ give them satisfaction. But already I am beginning to$9$ be$1$ there no more, 03:0064;01[A ]| in that calamitous street they made so clear to$4$ me. I could describe it, I could 03:0064;01[A ]| have$1$, a moment ago, as if I had been there, in the form they chose for me, 03:0064;01[A ]| diminished certainly, not the man I was, not much longer for this world, but the 03:0064;01[A ]| eyes still open to$4$ impressions, and one ear, sufficiently, and the head sufficiently 03:0064;01[A ]| obedient, to$9$ provide me at least with a vague idea of 03:0065;01[A ]| the elements to$9$ be$1$ eliminated from the setting in order for all to$9$ be$1$ empty and 03:0065;01[A ]| silent. That was always the way. Just at the moment when the world is assembled 03:0065;01[A ]| at last, and it begins to$9$ dawn on me how I can leave it, all fades and disappears. I 03:0065;01[A ]| shall never see this place again, where my jar stands on its pedestal, with its 03:0065;01[A ]| garland of many-coloured lanterns, and me inside it, I could not cling to$4$ it. 03:0065;01[A ]| Perhaps they will have$1$ me struck by lightning, for a change, or poleaxed, one 03:0065;01[A ]| merry bank-holiday evening, then bundled in my shroud and whisked away, out 03:0065;01[A ]| of sight and mind. Or removed alive, for a change, shifted and deposited 03:0065;01[A ]| elsewhere, on the off chance. 03:0065;01@@@@@| 03:0065;01[A ]| And at my next appearance, if I ever appear again, 03:0065;01[A ]| all will be$1$ new, new and strange. But little by little I will get used to$4$ it, admonished 03:0065;01[A ]| by them, used to$4$ the scene, used to$4$ me, and little by little the old problem will 03:0065;01[A ]| raise its horrid head, how to$9$ live, with their kind of life, for a single second, 03:0065;01[A ]| young or old, without aid and assistance. And thus reminded of other attempts, 03:0065;01[A ]| in other circumstances, I shall start asking myself questions, prompted by them, 03:0065;01[A ]| like those I have been asking, concerning me, and them, and these sudden shifts 03:0065;01[A ]| of time and age, and how to$9$ succeed at last where I had always failed, so that they 03:0065;01[A ]| may be$1$ pleased with me, and perhaps leave me in peace at last, and free to$9$ do$1$ 03:0065;01[A ]| what I have to$9$ do$1$, namely try and please the other, if that is what I have to$9$ do$1$, so 03:0065;01[A ]| that he may be$1$ pleased with me, and leave me in peace at last, and give me 03:0065;01[A ]| quittance, and the right to$9$ rest, and silence, if that is in his gift. It is a lot to$9$ expect 03:0065;01[A ]| of one creature, it is a lot to$9$ ask, that he should first behave as if he were not, then 03:0065;01[A ]| as if he were, before being admitted to$4$ that peace 03:0066;01[A ]| where he neither is, nor is not, and where the language dies that permits of 03:0066;01[A ]| such expressions. Two falsehoods, two trappings, to$9$ be$1$ borne to$4$ the end, before I 03:0066;01[A ]| can be$1$ let loose, alone, in the unthinkable unspeakable, where I have not ceased 03:0066;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$, where they will not let me be$1$. It will perhaps be$1$ less restful than I appear to$9$ 03:0066;01[A ]| think, alone there at last, and never importuned. No matter, rest is one of their 03:0066;01[A ]| words, think is another. But here at last, it seems to$4$ me, is food for delirium. 03:0066;01[A ]| What a shame if I should pitch on something and never notice it, another 03:0066;01[A ]| candle throw its little light and I be$1$ none the wiser. Yes, I feel the moment has 03:0066;01[A ]| come for me to$9$ look back, if I can, and take my bearings, if I am to$9$ go on. If only I 03:0066;01[A ]| knew what I have been saying. Bah, no need to$9$ worry, it can only have$1$ been one 03:0066;01[A ]| thing, the same as ever. I have my faults, but changing my tune is not one of 03:0066;01[A ]| them. I have only to$9$ go on, as if there was something to$9$ be$1$ done, something 03:0066;01[A ]| begun, somewhere to$9$ go. It all boils down to$4$ a question of words, I must not 03:0066;01[A ]| forget this, I have not forgotten it. But I must have$1$ said this before, since I say it 03:0066;01[A ]| now. I have to$9$ speak in a certain way, with warmth perhaps, all is possible, first of 03:0066;01[A ]| the creature I am not, as if I were he, and then, as if I were he, of the creature I am. 03:0066;01[A ]| Before I can etc. It is a question of voices, of voices to$9$ keep going, in the right 03:0066;01[A ]| manner, when they stop, on purpose, to$9$ put me to$4$ the test, as now the one whose 03:0066;01[A ]| burden is roughly to$4$ the effect that I am alive. Warmth, ease, conviction, the 03:0066;01[A ]| right manner, as if it were my own voice, pronouncing my own words, words 03:0066;01[A ]| pronouncing me alive, since that is how they want me to$9$ be$1$, I do not know why, 03:0066;01[A ]| with their billions of quick, their trillions of dead, that is not 03:0067;01[A ]| enough for them, I too must contribute my little convulsion, mewl, howl, gasp 03:0067;01[A ]| and rattle, loving my neighbour and blessed with reason. But what is the right 03:0067;01[A ]| manner, I do not know. It is they who dictate this torrent of balls, they who stuffed 03:0067;01[A ]| me full of these groans that choke me. And out it all pours unchanged, I have 03:0067;01[A ]| only to$9$ belch to$9$ be$1$ sure of hearing them, the same old sour teachings I can not 03:0067;01[A ]| change a tittle of. A parrot, that is what they are up against, a parrot. If they had told 03:0067;01[A ]| me what I have to$9$ say$1$, in order to$9$ meet with their approval, I would be$1$ bound to$9$ say$1$ it, 03:0067;01[A ]| sooner or later. But God forbid, that would be$1$ too easy, my heart would not be$1$ in it, 03:0067;01[A ]| I have to$9$ puke my heart out too, spew it up whole along with the rest of the 03:0067;01[A ]| vomit, it is then at last I will look as if I mean what I am saying, it will not be$1$ just idle 03:0067;01[A ]| words. Well, do not lose hope, keep your mouth open and your stomach turned, 03:0067;01[A ]| perhaps you will come out with it one of these days. But the other voice, of him 03:0067;01[A ]| who does not share this passion for the animal kingdom, who is waiting to$9$ hear 03:0067;01[A ]| from me, what is its burden? Nice point, too nice for me. For on the subject of me 03:0067;01[A ]| properly so called, I know what I mean, so far as I know I have received no 03:0067;01[A ]| information up to$4$ date. May one speak of a voice, in these conditions? Probably 03:0067;01[A ]| not. And yet I do. The fact is all this business about voices requires to$9$ be$1$ revised, 03:0067;01[A ]| corrected and then abandoned. Hearing nothing I am none the less a prey to$4$ 03:0067;01[A ]| communications. And I speak of voices! After all, why not, so long as one knows 03:0067;01[A ]| it is untrue. But there are limits, it appears. Let them come. So nothing about me. 03:0067;01[A ]| That is to$9$ say$1$ no connected statement. Faint calls, at long intervals. Hear me! Be 03:0067;01[A ]| yourself again! Someone has therefore 03:0068;01[A ]| something to$9$ say$1$ to$4$ me. But never the least news concerning me, beyond the 03:0068;01[A ]| insinuation that I am not in a condition to$9$ receive any, since I am not there, 03:0068;01[A ]| which I knew already. I have naturally remarked, in a moment of exceptional 03:0068;01[A ]| receptivity, that these exhortations are conveyed to$4$ me by the same channel as 03:0068;01[A ]| that used by Mahood and Co for their transports. That is suspicious, or rather 03:0068;01[A ]| would be$1$ if I still hoped to$9$ obtain, from these revelations to$9$ come, some truth of 03:0068;01[A ]| more value than those I have been plastered with ever since they took it into 03:0068;01[A ]| their heads I had better exist. But this fond hope, which buoyed me up as recently 03:0068;01[A ]| as a moment ago, if I remember right, has now past from me. Two labours then, 03:0068;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ distinguished perhaps, as the mine from the quarry, on the plane of the 03:0068;01[A ]| effort required, but identically deficient in charm and interest. I. Who might that 03:0068;01[A ]| be$1$? The galley-man, bound for the Pillars of Hercules, who drops his sweep under 03:0068;01[A ]| cover of night and crawls between the thwarts, towards the rising sun, unseen by 03:0068;01[A ]| the guard, praying for storm. Except that I have stopped praying for anything. No 03:0068;01[A ]| no, I am still a suppliant. I will get over it, between now and the last voyage, on this 03:0068;01[A ]| leaden sea. It is like the other madness, the mad wish to$9$ know, to$9$ remember, 03:0068;01[A ]| one's transgressions. I will not be$1$ caught at that again, I will leave it to$4$ this year's 03:0068;01[A ]| damned. And now let us think no more about it, think no more about anything, 03:0068;01[A ]| think no more. He alone or they a many, all solicit me in the same tongue, the 03:0068;01[A ]| only one they taught me. They told me there were others, I do not regret not 03:0068;01[A ]| knowing them. The moment the silence is broken in this way it can only mean 03:0068;01[A ]| one thing. Orders, 03:0069;01[A ]| prayers, threats, praise, reproach, reasons. Praise, yes, they gave me to$9$ 03:0069;01[A ]| understand I was making progress. Well done, sonny, that will be$1$ all for today, 03:0069;01[A ]| run along now back to$4$ your dark and see you tomorrow. And there I am, with my 03:0069;01[A ]| white beard, sitting among the children, babbling, cringing from the rod. I will die 03:0069;01[A ]| in the lower third, bowed down with years and impositions, four foot tall again, 03:0069;01[A ]| like when I had a future, bare-legged in my old black pinafore, wetting my 03:0069;01[A ]| drawers. Pupil Mahood, for the twenty-five thousandth time, what is a mammal? 03:0069;01[A ]| And I will fall down dead, worn out by the rudiments. But I will have$1$ made progress, 03:0069;01[A ]| they told me so, only not enough, not enough. Ah! Where was I, in my lessons? 03:0069;01[A ]| That is what has had a fatal effect on my development, my lack of memory, no 03:0069;01[A ]| doubt about it. Pupil Mahood, repeat after me, Man is a higher mammal. I 03:0069;01[A ]| could not. Always talking about mammals, in this menagerie. Frankly, between 03:0069;01[A ]| ourselves, what the hell could it matter to$4$ pupil Mahood, that man was this 03:0069;01[A ]| rather than that? Presumably nothing has been lost in any case, since here it all 03:0069;01[A ]| comes slobbering out again, let loose by the nightmare. I will have$1$ my bellyful of 03:0069;01[A ]| mammals, I can see that from here, before I wake. Quick, give me a mother and 03:0069;01[A ]| let me suck her$6$ white, pinching my tits. But it is time I gave this solitary a name, 03:0069;01[A ]| nothing doing without proper names. I therefore baptise him Worm. It was high 03:0069;01[A ]| time. Worm. I do not like it, but I have not much choice. It will be$1$ my name too, 03:0069;01[A ]| when the time comes, when I need not be$1$ called Mahood any more, if that happy, 03:0069;01[A ]| time ever comes. Before Mahood there were others like him, of the same breed 03:0069;01[A ]| and creed, 03:0070;01[A ]| armed with the same prong. But Worm is the first of his kind. That is soon said. 03:0070;01[A ]| I must not forget I do not know him. Perhaps he too will weary, renounce the task 03:0070;01[A ]| of forming me and make way for another, having laid the foundations. He has 03:0070;01[A ]| not yet been able to$9$ speak his mind, only murmur, I have not ceased to$9$ hear his 03:0070;01[A ]| murmur, all the while the others discoursed. He has survived them all, Mahood 03:0070;01[A ]| too, if Mahood is dead. I can hear him yet, faithful, begging me to$9$ still this dead 03:0070;01[A ]| tongue of the living. I imagine that is what he says, in his unchanging tone. If I 03:0070;01[A ]| could be$1$ silent I would better understand what he wants of me, wants me to$9$ be$1$, 03:0070;01[A ]| wants me to$9$ say$1$. Why does not he thunder it at me and get it over? Too easy, it is I 03:0070;01[A ]| who must be$1$ silent, hold my breath. But there is something wrong here. For if 03:0070;01[A ]| Mahood were silent, Worm would be$1$ silent too. That the impossible should be$1$ 03:0070;01[A ]| asked of me, good, what else could be$1$ asked of me? But the absurd! Of me whom 03:0070;01[A ]| they have reduced to$4$ reason. It is true poor Worm is not to$9$ blame for this. That is 03:0070;01[A ]| soon said. But let me complete my views, before I shit on them. For if I am 03:0070;01[A ]| Mahood, I am Worm too, plop. Or if I am not vet Worm, I shall be$1$ when I cease 03:0070;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ Mahood, plop. On now to$4$ serious matters. No, not yet. Another of 03:0070;01[A ]| Mahood's yarns perhaps, to$9$ perfect my besotment. No, not worth the trouble, it 03:0070;01[A ]| will come at its appointed hour, the record is in position from time immemorial. 03:0070;01[A ]| Yes, the big words must out too, all be$1$ taken as it comes. The problem of liberty 03:0070;01[A ]| too, as sure as fate, will come up for my consideration at the pre-established 03:0070;01[A ]| moment. But perhaps I have been too hasty in opposing these two fomenters of 03:0070;01[A ]| fiasco. Is it not the fault of one that I can not be$1$ the other? Accomplices 03:0071;01[A ]| therefore. That is the way to$9$ reason, warmly. Or is one to$9$ postulate a tertius 03:0071;01[A ]| gaudens, meaning myself, responsible for the double failure? Shall I come upon 03:0071;01[A ]| my true countenance at last, bathing in a smile? I have the feeling I shall be$1$ 03:0071;01[A ]| spared this spectacle. At no moment do I know what I am talking about, nor of 03:0071;01[A ]| whom, nor of where, nor how, nor why, but I could employ fifty wretches for this 03:0071;01[A ]| sinister operation and still be$1$ short of a fifty-first, to$9$ close the circuit, that I know, 03:0071;01[A ]| without knowing what it means. The essential is never to$9$ arrive anywhere, 03:0071;01[A ]| never to$9$ be$1$ anywhere, neither where Mahood is, nor where Worm is, nor where 03:0071;01[A ]| I am, it little matters thanks to$4$ what dispensation. The essential is to$9$ go on 03:0071;01[A ]| squirming forever at the end of the line, as long as there are waters and banks and 03:0071;01[A ]| ravening in heaven a sporting God to$9$ plague his creature, per pro his chosen 03:0071;01[A ]| shits. 03:0071;01@@@@@| 03:0071;01[A ]| I have swallowed three hooks and am still hungry. Hence the howls. What a 03:0071;01[A ]| joy to$9$ know where one is, and where one will stay, without being there. Nothing 03:0071;01[A ]| to$9$ do$1$ but stretch out comfortably on the rack, in the blissful knowledge you are 03:0071;01[A ]| nobody for all eternity. A pity I should have$1$ to$9$ give tongue at the same time, it 03:0071;01[A ]| prevents it from bleeding in peace, licking the lips. Well I suppose one can not have$1$ 03:0071;01[A ]| everything, so late in the proceedings. They will surely bring me to$4$ the surface one 03:0071;01[A ]| day or another and all then sink their differences and agree it was not worth 03:0071;01[A ]| while going to$4$ so much trouble for such a paltry kill, for such paltry killers. What 03:0071;01[A ]| silence then! And now let us see what news there is of Worm, just to$9$ please the 03:0071;01[A ]| old bastard. I will soon know if the other is still after me. But even if he is not 03:0071;01[A ]| nothing will come of it, he will not catch me, I will not 03:0072;01[A ]| be$1$ delivered from him, I mean Worm, I swear it, the other never caught me, I 03:0072;01[A ]| was never delivered from him, it is past history, up to$4$ the present. I am he who 03:0072;01[A ]| will never be$1$ caught, never delivered, who crawls between the thwarts, towards 03:0072;01[A ]| the new day that promises to$9$ be$1$ glorious, festooned with lifebelts, praying for rack 03:0072;01[A ]| and ruin. The third line falls plumb from the skies, it is for her$2$ majesty my soul, 03:0072;01[A ]| I would have$1$ hooked her$6$ on it long ago if I knew where to$9$ find her$6$. That brings us up 03:0072;01[A ]| to$4$ four, gathered together. I knew it, there might be$1$ a hundred of us and still we would 03:0072;01[A ]| lack the hundred and first, we will always be$1$ short of me. Worm, I nearly said Watt, 03:0072;01[A ]| Worm, what can I say$1$ of Worm, who has not the wit to$9$ make himself plain, what 03:0072;01[A ]| to$9$ still this gnawing of termites in my Punch and Judy box, what that might not 03:0072;01[A ]| just as well be$1$ said of the other? Perhaps it is by trying to$9$ be$1$ Worm that I will finally 03:0072;01[A ]| succeed in being Mahood, I had not thought of that. Then all I will have$1$ to$9$ do$1$ is be$1$ 03:0072;01[A ]| Worm. Which no doubt I shall achieve by trying to$9$ be$1$ Jones. Then all I will have$1$ to$9$ 03:0072;01[A ]| do$1$ is be$1$ Jones. Stop, perhaps he will spare me that, have$1$ compassion and let me 03:0072;01[A ]| stop. The dawn will not be$1$ always rosy. Worm, Worm, it is between the three of 03:0072;01[A ]| us now, and the devil take the hindmost. It seems to$4$ me besides that I must have$1$ 03:0072;01[A ]| already made, contrary to$4$ what it seems to$4$ me I must have$1$ already said, some 03:0072;01[A ]| efforts in this direction. I should have$1$ noted them, if only in my head. But Worm 03:0072;01[A ]| can not note. There at least is a first affirmation, I mean negation, on which to$9$ 03:0072;01[A ]| build. Worm can not note. Can Mahood note? That is it, weave, weave. Yes, it is 03:0072;01[A ]| the characteristic, among others, of Mahood to$9$ note, even if he does not always 03:0072;01[A ]| succeed in doing so, certain things, perhaps 03:0073;01[A ]| I should say$1$ all things, so as to$9$ turn them to$4$ account, for his governance. And 03:0073;01[A ]| indeed we have seen him do so, in the yard, in his jar, in a sense. I knew I had 03:0073;01[A ]| only to$9$ try and talk of Worm to$9$ begin talking of Mahood, with more felicity and 03:0073;01[A ]| understanding than ever. How close to$4$ me he suddenly seems, squinting up at 03:0073;01[A ]| the medals of the hippophagist Ducroix. It is the hour of the aperitif, already 03:0073;01[A ]| people pause, to$9$ read the menu. Charming hour of the day, particularly when, as 03:0073;01[A ]| sometimes happens, it is also that of the setting sun whose last rays, raking the 03:0073;01[A ]| street from end to$4$ end, lend to$4$ my cenotaph a interminable shadow, astraddle of 03:0073;01[A ]| the gutter and the sidewalk. There was a time I used to$9$ contemplate it, when I 03:0073;01[A ]| was freer to$9$ turn my head than now, since being put in the collar. Then over 03:0073;01[A ]| there, far from me, I knew my head was lying, and people treading on it, and on 03:0073;01[A ]| my flies, which went on gliding none the less, prettily on the dark ground. And I 03:0073;01[A ]| saw the people coming towards me, all along my shadow, followed by long 03:0073;01[A ]| faithful trembling shadows. For sometimes I confuse myself with my shadow, 03:0073;01[A ]| and sometimes do not. And sometimes I do not confuse myself with my jar, and 03:0073;01[A ]| sometimes do. It all depends what mood we are in. And often I went on looking 03:0073;01[A ]| without flinching until, ceasing to$9$ be$1$, I ceased to$9$ see. Delicious instant truly, 03:0073;01[A ]| coinciding from time to$4$ time, as already observed, with that of the aperitif. But 03:0073;01[A ]| this joy, which for my part I should have$1$ thought harmless, and without danger 03:0073;01[A ]| for the public, is something I have to$9$ go without now that the collar holds my 03:0073;01[A ]| face turned towards the railings, just above the menu, for it is important that the 03:0073;01[A ]| customer should be$1$ able to$9$ compose his meal 03:0074;01[A ]| without the risk of being run over. The meat, in this quarter, has a high 03:0074;01[A ]| reputation, and people come from a distance, from great distances, on purpose to$9$ 03:0074;01[A ]| relish it. Which having done they hurry away. By ten o'clock in the evening all is 03:0074;01[A ]| silent, as the grave, as they say. Such is the fruit of my observations accumulated 03:0074;01[A ]| over a long period of years and constantly subjected to$4$ a process of induction. 03:0074;01[A ]| Here all is killing and eating. This evening there is tripe. It is a winter dish, or a 03:0074;01[A ]| late autumn one. Soon Marguerite will come and light me up. She is late. 03:0074;01[A ]| Already more than one passer-by has flashed his lighter under my nose the better 03:0074;01[A ]| to$9$ decipher what I shall now describe, by way of elegant variation, as the bill of 03:0074;01[A ]| fare. Please God nothing has happened to$4$ my protectress. I shall not hear her$6$ 03:0074;01[A ]| coming, I shall not hear her$2$ steps, because of the-snow. I spent all morning under 03:0074;01[A ]| my cover. When the first frosts come she makes me a nest of rags, well tucked-in 03:0074;01[A ]| all round me, to$9$ preserve me from chills. It is snug. I wonder will she powder my 03:0074;01[A ]| skull this evening, with her$2$ great puff. It is her$2$ latest invention. She is always 03:0074;01[A ]| thinking of something new, to$9$ relieve me. If only the earth would quake! The 03:0074;01[A ]| shambles swallow me up! Through the railings, at the end of a vista between two 03:0074;01[A ]| blocks of buildings, the sky appears to$4$ me. A bar moves over and shuts it off, 03:0074;01[A ]| whenever I please. If I could raise my head I would see it streaming into the main of 03:0074;01[A ]| the firmament. What is there to$9$ add, to$4$ these particulars? The evening is still 03:0074;01[A ]| young, I know that, do not let us go just yet, not yet say goodbye once more 03:0074;01[A ]| forever, to$4$ this heap of rubbish. What about trying to$9$ cogitate, while waiting for 03:0074;01[A ]| something intelligible 03:0075;01[A ]| to$4$ take place? Just this once. Almost immediately a thought presents itself, I 03:0075;01[A ]| should really concentrate more often. Quick let me record it before it vanishes. 03:0075;01[A ]| How is it the people do not notice me? I seem to$9$ exist for none but Madeleine. 03:0075;01[A ]| That a passer-by pressed for time, in headlong flight or hot pursuit, should have$1$ 03:0075;01[A ]| no eyes for me, that I can conceive. But the idlers come to$9$ hear the cattle's bellows 03:0075;01[A ]| of pain and who, time obviously heavy on their hands, pace up and down 03:0075;01[A ]| waiting for the slaughter to$9$ begin? The hungry compelled by the position of the 03:0075;01[A ]| menu, and whether they like it or not, to$9$ post themselves literally face to$4$ face 03:0075;01[A ]| with me, in the full blast of my breath? The children on their way to$4$ and from 03:0075;01[A ]| their playgrounds beyond the gates, all out for a bit of fun? It seems to$4$ me that 03:0075;01[A ]| even a human head, recently washed and with a few hairs on top, should be$1$ quite 03:0075;01[A ]| a popular curiosity in the position occupied by mine. Can it be$1$ out of discretion, 03:0075;01[A ]| and a reluctance to$9$ hurt, that they affect to$9$ be$1$ unaware of my existence? But this is 03:0075;01[A ]| a refinement of feeling which can hardly be$1$ attributed to$4$ the dogs that come 03:0075;01[A ]| pissing against my abode, apparently never doubting that it contains some flesh 03:0075;01[A ]| and bones. It follows therefore that I have no smell either. And yet if anyone 03:0075;01[A ]| should have$1$ a smell, it is I. How, under these conditions, can Mahood expect me 03:0075;01[A ]| to$9$ behave normally? The flies vouch for me, if you like, but how far? Would 03:0075;01[A ]| they not settle with equal appetite on a lump of cowshit? No, as long as this point 03:0075;01[A ]| is not cleared up to$4$ my satisfaction, or as long as I am not distinguished by some 03:0075;01[A ]| sense organs other than Madeleine's, it will be$1$ impossible for me to$9$ believe, 03:0075;01[A ]| sufficiently 03:0076;01[A ]| to$9$ pursue my act, the things that are told about me. I should further remark, 03:0076;01[A ]| with regard to$4$ this testimony which I consider indispensable, that I shall soon be$1$ 03:0076;01[A ]| in no fit condition to$9$ receive it, so greatly have my faculties declined, in recent 03:0076;01[A ]| times. It is obvious we have here a principle of change pregnant with 03:0076;01[A ]| possibilities. But say I succeed in dying, to$9$ adopt the most comforting hypothesis, 03:0076;01[A ]| without having been able to$9$ believe I ever lived, I know to$4$ my cost it is not that 03:0076;01[A ]| they wish for me. For it has happened to$4$ me many times already, without their 03:0076;01[A ]| having granted me as much as a brief sick-leave among the worms, before 03:0076;01[A ]| resurrecting me. But who knows, this time, what the future holds in store. That 03:0076;01[A ]| qua sentient and thinking being I should be$1$ going downhill fast is in any case a 03:0076;01[A ]| excellent thing. Perhaps some day some gentleman, chancing to$9$ pass my way 03:0076;01[A ]| with his sweetheart on his arm, at the precise moment when my last is favouring 03:0076;01[A ]| me with a final smack of the flight of time, will exclaim, loud enough for me to$9$ 03:0076;01[A ]| hear, Oh I say$1$, this man is ailing, we must call a ambulance! Thus with a single 03:0076;01[A ]| stone, when all hope seemed lost, the two rare birds. I shall be$1$ dead, but I shall 03:0076;01[A ]| have$1$ lived. Unless one is to$9$ suppose him victim of a hallucination. Yes, to$9$ dispel 03:0076;01[A ]| all doubt his betrothed would need to$9$ say$1$, You are right, my love, he looks as if 03:0076;01[A ]| he were going to$9$ throw up. Then I would know for certain and giving up the ghost be$1$ 03:0076;01[A ]| born at last, to$4$ the sound perhaps of one of those hiccups which mar alas too 03:0076;01[A ]| often the solemnity of the passing. When Mahood I once knew a doctor who held 03:0076;01[A ]| that scientifically speaking the latest breath could only issue from the fundament 03:0076;01[A ]| and this therefore, rather than the mouth, the orifice to$4$ 03:0077;01[A ]| which the family should present the mirror, before opening the will. However 03:0077;01[A ]| this may be$1$, and without dwelling further on these macabre details, it is certain I 03:0077;01[A ]| was grievously mistaken in supposing that death in itself could be$1$ regarded as 03:0077;01[A ]| evidence, or even a strong presumption, in support of a preliminary life. And I 03:0077;01[A ]| for my part have no longer the least desire to$9$ leave this world, in which they 03:0077;01[A ]| keep trying to$9$ foist me, without some kind of assurance that I was really there, 03:0077;01[A ]| such as a kick in the arse, for example, or a kiss, the nature of the attention is of 03:0077;01[A ]| little importance, provided I can not be$1$ suspected of being its author. But let two 03:0077;01[A ]| third parties remark me, there, before my eyes, and I will take care of the rest. How 03:0077;01[A ]| all becomes clear and simple when one opens a eye on the within, having of 03:0077;01[A ]| course previously exposed it to$4$ the without, in order to$9$ benefit by the contrast. I 03:0077;01[A ]| should be$1$ sorry, though exhausted personally, to$9$ abandon prematurely this rich 03:0077;01[A ]| vein. For I shall not come back to$4$ it in a hurry, ah no. But enough of this cursed 03:0077;01[A ]| first person, it is really too red a herring, I will get out of my depth if I am not careful. 03:0077;01@@@@@| 03:0077;01[A ]| But what then is the subject? Mahood? No, not yet. Worm? Even less. Bah, any 03:0077;01[A ]| old pronoun will do$1$, provide one sees through it. Matter of habit. To$9$ be$1$ adjusted 03:0077;01[A ]| later. Where was I? Ah yes, the bliss of what is clear and simple. The next thing is 03:0077;01[A ]| somehow to$9$ connect this with the unhappy Madeleine and her$2$ great goodness. 03:0077;01[A ]| Attentions such as hers, the pertinacity with which she continues to$9$ acknowledge 03:0077;01[A ]| me, do not these sufficiently attest my real presence here, in the Rue Brancion, 03:0077;01[A ]| never heard of in my island home? Would she rid me of my paltry excrements 03:0077;01[A ]| every Sunday, make me a nest at the approach 03:0078;01[A ]| of winter, protect me from the snow, change my sawdust, rub salt into my scalp, 03:0078;01[A ]| I hope I am not forgetting anything, if I were not there? Would she have$1$ put me 03:0078;01[A ]| in a cang, raised me on a pedestal, hung me with lanterns, if she were not 03:0078;01[A ]| convinced of my substantiality? How happy I should be$1$ to$9$ submit to$4$ this 03:0078;01[A ]| evidence and to$4$ the execution upon me of the sentence it entails. Unfortunately I 03:0078;01[A ]| regard it as highly subject to$4$ caution, not to$9$ say$1$ unallowable. For what is one to$9$ 03:0078;01[A ]| think of the redoubled attentions she has been lavishing on me for some time 03:0078;01[A ]| past? How different from the serenity of our early relations, when I saw her$6$ only 03:0078;01[A ]| once a week. No, there is no getting away from it, this woman is losing faith in 03:0078;01[A ]| me. And she is trying to$9$ put off the moment when she must finally confess her$2$ 03:0078;01[A ]| error by coming every few minutes to$9$ see if I am still more or less imaginable in 03:0078;01[A ]| situ. Similarly the belief in God, in all modesty be$1$ it said, is sometimes lost 03:0078;01[A ]| following a period of intensified zeal and observance, it appears. Here I pause to$9$ 03:0078;01[A ]| make a distinction (I must.be still thinking). That the jar is really standing where 03:0078;01[A ]| they say, all right, I would not dream of denying it, after all it is none of my 03:0078;01[A ]| business, though its presence at such a place, about the reality of which I do not 03:0078;01[A ]| propose to$9$ quibble either, does not strike me as very credible. No, I merely doubt 03:0078;01[A ]| that I am in it. It is easier to$9$ raise a shrine than bring the deity down to$9$ haunt it. 03:0078;01[A ]| But what is all this confusion now? That is what comes of distinctions. No matter. 03:0078;01[A ]| She loves me, I have always felt it. She needs me. Her$2$ chop-house, her$2$ husband, 03:0078;01[A ]| her$2$ children if she has any, are not enough, there is in her$6$ a void that I alone can 03:0078;01[A ]| fill. It is not surprising then she should have$1$ visions. There was 03:0079;01[A ]| a time I thought she was perhaps a near relation, mother, sister, daughter, or 03:0079;01[A ]| suchlike, perhaps even a wife, and that she was sequestrating me. That is to$9$ say$1$ 03:0079;01[A ]| Mahood, seeing how little impressed I was by his chief witness, whispered this 03:0079;01[A ]| suggestion in my ear, adding, I did not say$1$ anything. I must admit it is not so 03:0079;01[A ]| preposterous as it looks at first sight, it even accounts for certain bizarreries which 03:0079;01[A ]| had not yet struck me at the time of its formulation, among others my 03:0079;01[A ]| inexistence in the eyes of those who are not in the know, that is to$9$ say$1$ all 03:0079;01[A ]| mankind. But assuming I was being stowed away in a public place, why go to$4$ such 03:0079;01[A ]| trouble to$9$ draw attention to$4$ my head, artistically illuminated from dusk to$4$ 03:0079;01[A ]| midnight? You may of course retort that results are all that count. Another thing 03:0079;01[A ]| however. This woman has never spoken to$4$ me, to$4$ the best of my knowledge. If I 03:0079;01[A ]| have said anything to$4$ the contrary I was mistaken. If I say anything to$4$ the 03:0079;01[A ]| contrary again I shall be$1$ mistaken again. Unless I am mistaken now. Into the 03:0079;01[A ]| dossier with it in any case, in support of whatever thesis you fancy. Never a 03:0079;01[A ]| affectionate word, never a reprimand. For fear of bringing me to$4$ the public 03:0079;01[A ]| notice? Or lest the illusion should be$1$ dispelled? I shall now sum up. The 03:0079;01[A ]| moment is at hand when my only believer must deny me. Nothing has 03:0079;01[A ]| happened. The lanterns have not been lit. Is it the same evening? Perhaps dinner 03:0079;01[A ]| is over. Perhaps Marguerite has come and gone, come again and gone again, 03:0079;01[A ]| without my having noticed her$6$. Perhaps I have blazed with all my usual 03:0079;01[A ]| brilliance, for hours on end, all unsuspecting. And yet something has changed. It 03:0079;01[A ]| is not a night like other nights. Not because I see no stars, it is not often I see a 03:0079;01[A ]| star, away up in the depths of the 03:0080;01[A ]| sliver of sky I command. Not because I do not see anything, not even the 03:0080;01[A ]| railings, that has often happened. Not because of the silence either, it is a silent 03:0080;01[A ]| place, at night. And I am half-deaf. It is not the first time I have strained my ears 03:0080;01[A ]| in vain for the stables' muffled sounds. All of a sudden a horse will neigh. Then 03:0080;01[A ]| I will know that nothing has changed. Or I will see the lantern of the watchman, 03:0080;01[A ]| swinging knee-high in the yard. I must be$1$ patient. It is cold, this morning it 03:0080;01[A ]| snowed. And yet I do not feel the cold on my head. Perhaps I am still under the 03:0080;01[A ]| tarpaulin, perhaps she flung it over me again, for fear of more snow in the night, 03:0080;01[A ]| while I was meditating. But the sensation I so love, of the tarpaulin weighing on 03:0080;01[A ]| my head, is lacking too. Has my head lost all feeling? Or did I have$1$ a stroke, while 03:0080;01[A ]| I was meditating? I do not know. I shall be$1$ patient, asking no more questions, on 03:0080;01[A ]| the qui vive. Hours have passed, it must be$1$ day again, nothing has happened, I 03:0080;01[A ]| hear nothing. I placed them before their responsibilities, perhaps they have let 03:0080;01[A ]| me go. For this feeling of being entirely enclosed, and yet nothing touching me, is 03:0080;01[A ]| new. The sawdust no longer presses against my stumps, I do not know where I 03:0080;01[A ]| end. I left it yesterday, Mahood's world, the street, the chop-house, the slaughter, 03:0080;01[A ]| the statue and, through the railings, the sky like a slate-pencil. I shall never hear 03:0080;01[A ]| again the lowing of the cattle, nor the clinking of the forks and glasses, nor the 03:0080;01[A ]| angry voices of the butchers, nor the litany of the dishes and the prices. There will 03:0080;01[A ]| never be$1$ another woman wanting me in vain to$9$ live, my shadow at evening will 03:0080;01[A ]| not darken the ground. The stories of Mahood are ended. He has realized they 03:0080;01[A ]| could not be$1$ about me, he has abandoned, it is I who win, 03:0081;01[A ]| who tried so hard to$9$ lose, in order to$9$ please him, and be$1$ left in peace. Having 03:0081;01[A ]| won, shall I be$1$ left in peace? It does not look like it, I seem to$9$ be$1$ going on talking. 03:0081;01[A ]| In any case all these suppositions are probably erroneous. I shall no doubt be$1$ 03:0081;01[A ]| launched again, girt with better arms, against the fortress of mortality. What is 03:0081;01[A ]| more important is that I should know what is going on now, in order to$9$ 03:0081;01[A ]| announce it, as my function requires. It must not be$1$ forgotten, sometimes I forget, 03:0081;01[A ]| that all is a question of voices. I say what I am told to$9$ say$1$, in the hope that some 03:0081;01[A ]| day they will weary of talking at me. The trouble is I say it wrong, having no ear, 03:0081;01[A ]| no head, no memory. Now I seem to$9$ hear them say$1$ it is Worm's voice beginning, 03:0081;01[A ]| I pass on the news, for what it is worth. Do they believe I believe it is I who am 03:0081;01[A ]| speaking? That is theirs too. To$9$ make me believe I have a ego all my own, and 03:0081;01[A ]| can speak of it, as they of theirs. Another trap to$9$ snap me up among the living. 03:0081;01[A ]| It is how to$9$ fall into it they can not have$1$ explained to$4$ me sufficiently. They will never 03:0081;01[A ]| get the better of my stupidity. Why do they speak to$4$ me thus? Is it possible certain 03:0081;01[A ]| things change on their passage through me, in a way they can not prevent? Do they 03:0081;01[A ]| believe I believe it is I who am asking these questions? That is theirs too, a little 03:0081;01[A ]| distorted perhaps. I do not say$1$ it is not the right method. I do not say$1$ they will not 03:0081;01[A ]| catch me in the end. I wish they would, to$9$ be$1$ thrown away. It is this hunt that is 03:0081;01[A ]| tiring, this unending being at bay. Images, they imagine that by piling on the 03:0081;01[A ]| images they will entice me in the end. Like the mother who whistles to$9$ prevent 03:0081;01[A ]| baby's bladder from bursting, there is another. They, yes, now they are all in the 03:0081;01[A ]| same galley. Worm to$9$ play, 03:0082;01[A ]| his lead, I wish him a happy time. To$9$ think I thought he was against what they 03:0082;01[A ]| were trying to$9$ do$1$ with me! To$9$ think I saw in him, if not me, a step towards me! 03:0082;01[A ]| To$9$ get me to$9$ be$1$ he, the anti-Mahood, and then to$9$ say$1$, But what am I doing but 03:0082;01[A ]| living, in a kind of way, the only possible way, that is the combination. Or by the 03:0082;01[A ]| absurd prove to$4$ me that I am, the absurd of not being able. Unfortunately it is no 03:0082;01[A ]| help my being forewarned, I never remain so for long. In any case I wish him 03:0082;01[A ]| every success, in his courageous undertaking. And I am even prepared to$9$ 03:0082;01[A ]| collaborate with him, as with Mahood and Co, to$4$ the best of my ability, being 03:0082;01[A ]| unable to$9$ do$1$ otherwise, and knowing my ability. Worm, to$9$ say$1$ he does not know 03:0082;01[A ]| what he is, where he is, what is happening, is to$9$ underestimate him. What he 03:0082;01[A ]| does not know is that there is anything to$9$ know. His senses tell him nothing, 03:0082;01[A ]| nothing about himself, nothing about the rest, and this distinction is beyond him. 03:0082;01[A ]| Feeling nothing, knowing nothing, he exists nevertheless, but not for himself, for 03:0082;01[A ]| others, others conceive him and say, Worm is, since we conceive him, as if there 03:0082;01[A ]| could be$1$ no being but being conceived, if only by the beer. Others. One alone, then 03:0082;01[A ]| others. One alone turned towards the all-impotent, all-nescient, that haunts him, 03:0082;01[A ]| then others. Towards him whom he would nourish, he the famished one, and 03:0082;01[A ]| who, having nothing human, has nothing else, has nothing, is nothing. Come 03:0082;01[A ]| into the world unborn, abiding there unliving, with no hope of death, epicentre 03:0082;01[A ]| of joys, of griefs, of calm. Who seems the truest possession, because the most 03:0082;01[A ]| unchanging. The one outside of life we always were in the end, all our long vain 03:0082;01[A ]| life long. Who is not spared by the mad need to$9$ speak, to$9$ think, to$9$ 03:0083;01[A ]| know where one is, where one was, during the wild dream, up above, under 03:0083;01[A ]| the skies, venturing forth at night. The one ignorant of himself and silent, 03:0083;01[A ]| ignorant of his silence and silent, who could not be$1$ and gave up trying. Who 03:0083;01[A ]| crouches in their midst who see themselves in him and in their eyes stares his 03:0083;01[A ]| unchanging stare. Thanks for these first notions. And it is not all. He who seeks 03:0083;01[A ]| his true countenance, let him be$1$ of good cheer, he will find it, convulsed with 03:0083;01[A ]| anguish, the eyes out on stalks. He who longs to$9$ have$1$ lived, while he was alive, 03:0083;01[A ]| let him be$1$ reassured, life will tell him how. That is all very comforting. Worm, be$1$ 03:0083;01[A ]| Worm, you will see, it is impossible, what a velvet glove, a little worn at the 03:0083;01[A ]| knuckles with all the hard hitting. Bah, let us turn the black eye. And the starching 03:0083;01[A ]| begin at last, of this old clout so patiently pawed in vain, as limp and drooping 03:0083;01[A ]| still as the first day. But it is solely a question of voices, no other image is 03:0083;01[A ]| appropriate. Let it go through me at last, the right one, the last one, his who has 03:0083;01[A ]| none, by his own confession. Do they think they will lull me, with all this 03:0083;01[A ]| hemming and hawing? What can it matter to$4$ me, that I succeed or fail? The 03:0083;01[A ]| undertaking is none of mine, if they want me to$9$ succeed I will fail, and vice versa, 03:0083;01[A ]| so as not to$9$ be$1$ rid of my tormentors. Is there a single word of mine in all I say? 03:0083;01@@@@@| 03:0083;01[A ]| No, I have no voice, in this matter I have none. That is one of the reasons why I 03:0083;01[A ]| confused myself with Worm. But I have no reasons either, no reason, I am like 03:0083;01[A ]| Worm, without voice or reason, I am Worm, no, if I were Worm I would not 03:0083;01[A ]| know it, I would not say$1$ it, I would not say$1$ anything, I would be$1$ Worm. But I do not say$1$ 03:0083;01[A ]| anything, I do not know anything, these voices are not mine, nor these thoughts, 03:0083;01[A ]| but 03:0084;01[A ]| the voices and thoughts of the devils who beset me. Who make me say$1$ that I 03:0084;01[A ]| can not be$1$ Worm, the inexpugnable. Who make me say$1$ that I am he perhaps, as 03:0084;01[A ]| they are. Who make me say$1$ that since I can not be$1$ he I must be$1$ he. That since I 03:0084;01[A ]| could not be$1$ Mahood, as I might have$1$ been, I must be$1$ Worm, as I can not be$1$. But is 03:0084;01[A ]| it still they who say that when I have failed to$9$ be$1$ Worm I will be$1$ Mahood, 03:0084;01[A ]| automatically, on the rebound? As if, and a little silence, as if I were big enough 03:0084;01[A ]| now to$9$ take a hint and understand, certain things, but they are wrong, I need 03:0084;01[A ]| explanations, of everything, and even then, I do not understand, that is how I will 03:0084;01[A ]| sicken them in the end, by my stupidity, so they say, to$9$ lull me, to$9$ make me think 03:0084;01[A ]| I am stupider than I am. And is it still they who say that when I surprise them all 03:0084;01[A ]| and am Worm at last, then at last I will be$1$ Mahood, Worm proving to$9$ be$1$ Mahood 03:0084;01[A ]| the moment one is he? Ah if they could only begin, and do what they want with 03:0084;01[A ]| me, and succeed at last, in doing what they want with me, I am ready to$9$ be$1$ 03:0084;01[A ]| whatever they want, I am tired of being matter, matter, pawed and pummelled 03:0084;01[A ]| endlessly in vain. Or give me up and leave me lying in a heap, in such a heap 03:0084;01[A ]| that none would ever be$1$ found again to$9$ try and fashion it. But they are not of the 03:0084;01[A ]| same mind, they are all of the same kidney and yet they do not know what they 03:0084;01[A ]| want to$9$ do$1$ with me, they do not know where I am, or what I am like, I am like dust, 03:0084;01[A ]| they want to$9$ make a man out of dust. Listen to$4$ them, losing heart! That is to$9$ lull 03:0084;01[A ]| me, till I imagine I hear myself saying, myself at last, to$4$ myself at last, that it can not 03:0084;01[A ]| be$1$ they, speaking thus, that it can only be$1$ I, speaking thus. Ah if I could only find 03:0084;01[A ]| a voice of my own, in all this babble, it would be$1$ 03:0085;01[A ]| the end of their troubles, and of mine. That is why there are all these little 03:0085;01[A ]| silences, to$9$ try and make me break them. They think I can not bear silence, that 03:0085;01[A ]| some day, somehow, my horror of silence will force me to$9$ break it. That is why 03:0085;01[A ]| they are always leaving off, to$9$ try and drive me to$4$ extremities. But they dare not 03:0085;01[A ]| be$1$ silent for long, the whole fabrication might collapse. It is true I dread these gulfs 03:0085;01[A ]| they all bend over, straining their ears for the murmur of a man. It is not silence, 03:0085;01[A ]| it is pitfalls, into which nothing would please me better than to$9$ fall, with the little 03:0085;01[A ]| cry that might be$1$ taken for human, like a wounded wistiti, the first and last, and 03:0085;01[A ]| vanish for good and all, having squeaked. Well, if they ever succeed in getting 03:0085;01[A ]| me to$9$ give a voice to$4$ Worm, in a moment of euphory, perhaps I will succeed in 03:0085;01[A ]| making it mine, in a moment of confusion. There we have the stake. But they 03:0085;01[A ]| will not. Did they ever get Mahood to$9$ speak? It seems to$4$ me not. I think Murphy 03:0085;01[A ]| spoke now and then, the others too perhaps, I do not remember, but it was 03:0085;01[A ]| clumsily done, you could see the ventriloquist. And now I feel it is about to$9$ begin. 03:0085;01[A ]| They must consider me sufficiently stupefied, with all their balls about being and 03:0085;01[A ]| existing. Yes, now that I have forgotten who Worm is, where he is, what he is like, 03:0085;01[A ]| I will begin to$9$ be$1$ he. Anything rather than these college quips. Quick, a place. With 03:0085;01[A ]| no way in, no way out, a safe place. Not like Eden. And Worm inside. Feeling 03:0085;01[A ]| nothing, knowing nothing, capable of nothing, wanting nothing. Until the 03:0085;01[A ]| instant he hears the sound that will never stop. Then it is the end, Worm no 03:0085;01[A ]| longer is. We know it, but we do not say$1$ it, we say it is the awakening, the 03:0085;01[A ]| beginning of Worm, for now we must speak, and speak of Worm. It is no 03:0086;01[A ]| longer he, but let us proceed as if it were still he, he at last, who hears, and 03:0086;01[A ]| trembles, and is delivered over, to$4$ affliction and the struggle to$9$ withstand it, the 03:0086;01[A ]| starting eye, the labouring mind. Yes, let us call that thing Worm, so as to$9$ 03:0086;01[A ]| exclaim, the sleight of hand accomplished, Oh look, life again, life everywhere 03:0086;01[A ]| and always, the life that is on every tongue, the only possible! Poor Worm, who 03:0086;01[A ]| thought he was different, there he is in the madhouse for life. Where am I? 03:0086;01[A ]| That is my first question, after a age of listening. From it, when it has not been 03:0086;01[A ]| answered, I will rebound towards others, of a more personal nature, much later. 03:0086;01[A ]| Perhaps I will even end up, before regaining my coma, by thinking of myself as 03:0086;01[A ]| living, technically speaking. But let us proceed with method. I shall do$1$ my best, as 03:0086;01[A ]| always, since I can not do$1$ otherwise. I shall submit, more corpse-obliging than 03:0086;01[A ]| ever. I shall transmit the words as received, by the ear, or roared through a 03:0086;01[A ]| trumpet into the arsehole, in all their purity, and in the same order, as far as 03:0086;01[A ]| possible. This infinitesimal lag, between arrival and departure, this trifling delay 03:0086;01[A ]| in evacuation, is all I have to$9$ worry about. The truth about me will boil forth at 03:0086;01[A ]| last, scalding, provided of course they do not start stuttering again. I listen. Enough 03:0086;01[A ]| procrastination. I am Worm, that is to$9$ say$1$ I am no longer he, since I hear. But I will 03:0086;01[A ]| forget that in the heat of misery, I will forget I am no longer Worm, but a kind of 03:0086;01[A ]| tenth-rate Toussaint L'Ouverture, that is what they are counting on. Worm then I 03:0086;01[A ]| catch this sound that will never stop, monotonous beyond words and yet not 03:0086;01[A ]| altogether devoid of a certain variety. At the end of I know not what eternity, 03:0086;01[A ]| they do not say$1$, this has sufficiently exasperated my intelligence for it 03:0087;01[A ]| to$9$ grasp that the nuisance is a voice and that the realm of nature, in which I 03:0087;01[A ]| flatter myself I have a foot already, has other noises to$9$ offer which are even more 03:0087;01[A ]| unpleasant and may be$1$ relied on to$9$ make themselves heard before long. Do not 03:0087;01[A ]| tell me after that I had no predispositions for man's estate. What a weary way 03:0087;01[A ]| since that first disaster, what nerves torn from the heart of insentience, with the 03:0087;01[A ]| appertaining terror and the cerebellum on fire. It took him a long time to$9$ adapt 03:0087;01[A ]| himself to$4$ this excoriation. To$9$ realize pooh it is nothing. A mere bagatelle. The 03:0087;01[A ]| common lot. A harmless joke. That will not last for ever. For me to$9$ gather 03:0087;01[A ]| while I may. They mentioned roses. I will smell them before I am finished. Then 03:0087;01[A ]| they will put the accent on the thorns. What prodigious variety The thorns they will 03:0087;01[A ]| have$1$ to$9$ come and stick into me, as into their unfortunate Jesus. No, I need 03:0087;01[A ]| nobody, they will start sprouting under my arse, unaided, some day I feel myself 03:0087;01[A ]| soaring above my condition. A billybowl of thorns and the air perfume-laden. 03:0087;01[A ]| But not so fast. I still leave much to$9$ be$1$ desired, I have no technique, none. For 03:0087;01[A ]| example, in case you do not believe me, I do not yet know how to$9$ move, either 03:0087;01[A ]| locally, in relation to$4$ myself, or bodily, in relation to$4$ the rest of the shit. I do not 03:0087;01[A ]| know how to$9$ want to$9$, I want to$9$ in vain. What does not come to$4$ me from me has 03:0087;01[A ]| come to$4$ the wrong address. Similarly my understanding is not yet sufficiently 03:0087;01[A ]| well-oiled to$9$ function without the pressure of some critical circumstance, such as 03:0087;01[A ]| a violent pain felt for the first time. Some nice point in semantics, for example, of 03:0087;01[A ]| a nature to$9$ accelerate the march of the hours, could not retain my attention. For 03:0087;01[A ]| others the time-abolishing joys of impersonal and disinterested 03:0088;01[A ]| speculation. I only think, if that is the name for this vertiginous panic as of 03:0088;01[A ]| hornets smoked out of their nest, once a certain degree of terror has been 03:0088;01[A ]| exceeded. Does this mean I am less exposed to$4$ doing so, by the grace of 03:0088;01[A ]| inurement? To$9$ argue so would be$1$ to$9$ underestimate the extent of the repertory in 03:0088;01[A ]| which I am plunged and which, it appears, is nothing compared to$4$ what is in 03:0088;01[A ]| store for me at the conclusion of the novitiate. These lights gleaming low afar, 03:0088;01[A ]| then rearing up in a blaze and sweeping down upon me, blinding, to$9$ devour me, 03:0088;01[A ]| are merely one example. My familiarity with them avails me nothing, they 03:0088;01[A ]| invariably give me to$9$ reflect. Each time, at the last moment, just as I begin to$9$ 03:0088;01[A ]| scorch, they go out, smoking and hissing, and yet each time my phlegm is 03:0088;01[A ]| shattered. And in my head, which I am beginning to$9$ locate to$4$ my satisfaction, 03:0088;01[A ]| above and a little to$4$ the right, the sparks spirt and dash themselves out against 03:0088;01[A ]| the walls. And sometimes I say to$4$ myself I am in a head, it is terror makes me say$1$ 03:0088;01[A ]| it, and the longing to$9$ be$1$ in safety, surrounded on all sides by massive bone. And I 03:0088;01[A ]| add that I am foolish to$9$ let myself be$1$ frightened by another's thoughts, lacerating 03:0088;01[A ]| my sky with harmless fires and assailing me with noises signifying nothing. But 03:0088;01[A ]| one thing at a time. And often all sleeps, as when I was really Worm, except this 03:0088;01[A ]| voice which has denatured me, which never stops, but often grows confused and 03:0088;01[A ]| falters, as if it were going to$9$ abandon me. But it is merely a passing weakness, 03:0088;01[A ]| unless it is done on purpose, to$9$ teach me hope. Strange thing, ruined as I am 03:0088;01[A ]| and still young in this abjection they have brought me to$4$, I sometimes seem to$9$ 03:0088;01[A ]| remember what I was like when I was Worm, and not yet delivered into 03:0089;01[A ]| their hands. That is to$9$ tempt me into saying, I am indeed Worm after all, and 03:0089;01[A ]| into thinking that after all he may have$1$ become the thing that I have become. But 03:0089;01[A ]| it does not work. But they will devise another means, less childish, of getting me 03:0089;01[A ]| to$9$ admit, or pretend to$9$ admit, that I am he whose name they call me by, and no 03:0089;01[A ]| other. Or they will wait, counting on my weariness, as they press me ever harder, to$9$ 03:0089;01[A ]| wipe him from my memory who can not be$1$ brought to$4$ the pass they have 03:0089;01[A ]| brought me to$5$, not to$9$ mention yesterday, not to$9$ mention tomorrow. And yet it 03:0089;01[A ]| seems to$4$ me I remember, and shall never forget, what I was like when I was he, 03:0089;01[A ]| before all became confused. But that is of course impossible, since Worm could 03:0089;01[A ]| not know what he was like, or who he was, that is how they want me to$9$ reason. 03:0089;01[A ]| And it seems to$4$ me too, which is even more deplorable, that I could become 03:0089;01[A ]| Worm again, if I were left in peace. This transmission is really excellent. I wonder 03:0089;01[A ]| if it is going to$9$ get us somewhere. If only they would stop talking for nothing, 03:0089;01[A ]| pending their stopping everything. Nothing? That is soon said. It is not for me to$9$ 03:0089;01[A ]| judge. What would I judge with? It is more provocation. They want me to$9$ lose 03:0089;01[A ]| patience and rush, suddenly beside myself, to$4$ their rescue. How transparent that 03:0089;01[A ]| all is! Sometimes I say to$4$ myself, they say to$4$ me, Worm says to$4$ me, the subject 03:0089;01[A ]| matters little, that my purveyors are more than one, four or five. But it is more 03:0089;01[A ]| likely the same foul brute all the time, amusing himself pretending to$9$ be$1$ a many, 03:0089;01[A ]| varying his register, his tone, his accent and his drivel. Unless it comes natural to$4$ 03:0089;01[A ]| him. A bare and rusty hook I might accept. But all these titbits! But there are long 03:0089;01[A ]| silences too, at long intervals, during which, hearing 03:0090;01[A ]| nothing, I say nothing. That is to$9$ say$1$ I hear murmuring, if I listen hard enough, 03:0090;01[A ]| but it is not for me, it is for them alone, they are putting their heads together again. 03:0090;01[A ]| I do not hear what they say, all I know is they are still there, they have not done, 03:0090;01[A ]| with me. They have moved a little aside. Secrets. Or if there is only one it is he 03:0090;01[A ]| alone, taking counsel with himself, muttering and chewing his moustache, 03:0090;01[A ]| getting ready for a fresh flow of inanity. To$9$ think of me eavesdropping, me, when 03:0090;01[A ]| silence falls! Ah a nice state they have me in. But it is with the hope there is no 03:0090;01[A ]| one left. But this is not the time to$9$ speak of that. Good. 03:0090;01@@@@@| 03:0090;01[A ]| Of what is it the time to$9$ 03:0090;01[A ]| speak? Of Worm, at last. Good. We must first, to$9$ begin with, go back to$4$ his 03:0090;01[A ]| beginnings and then, to$9$ go on with, follow him patiently through the various 03:0090;01[A ]| stages, taking care to$9$ show their fatal concatenation, which have made him what 03:0090;01[A ]| I am. The whole to$9$ be$1$ tossed off with bravura. Then notes from day to$4$ day, until I 03:0090;01[A ]| collapse. And finally, to$9$ wind up with, song and dance of thanksgiving by victim, 03:0090;01[A ]| to$9$ celebrate his nativity. Please God nothing goes wrong. Mahood I could not die. 03:0090;01[A ]| Worm will I ever get born? It is the same problem. But perhaps not the same 03:0090;01[A ]| personage after all. The scytheman will tell, it is all one to$4$ him. But let us go back 03:0090;01[A ]| as planned, afterwards we will fall forward as projected. The reverse would be$1$ more 03:0090;01[A ]| like it. But not by much. Upstream, downstream, what matter, I begin by the ear, 03:0090;01[A ]| that is the way to$9$ talk. Before that it was the night of time. Whereas ever since, 03:0090;01[A ]| what radiance! Now at least I know where I am, as far as my origins go, I mean 03:0090;01[A ]| my origins considered as a subject of conversation, that is what counts. The 03:0090;01[A ]| moment one can say$1$, Someone is on his way, all is 03:0091;01[A ]| well. Perhaps I have still a thousand years to$9$ go. No matter. He is on his way. I 03:0091;01[A ]| begin to$9$ be$1$ familiar with the premises. I wonder if I could not sneak out by the 03:0091;01[A ]| fundament, one morning, with the French breakfast. No, I can not move, not yet. 03:0091;01[A ]| One minute in a skull and the next in a belly, strange, and the next nowhere in 03:0091;01[A ]| particular. Perhaps it is Botal's Foramen, when all about me palpitates and 03:0091;01[A ]| labours. Bait, bait. Can it be$1$ I have a friend among them, shaking his head in 03:0091;01[A ]| sorrow and saying nothing or only, from time to$4$ time, Enough, enough. One can 03:0091;01[A ]| be$1$ before beginning, they have set their hearts on that. They want me roots and 03:0091;01[A ]| all. This onward-rushing time is the same which used to$9$ sleep. And this silence 03:0091;01[A ]| they yelp against in vain and which one day will be$1$ restored, the same as in the 03:0091;01[A ]| past. Perhaps a little the worse for wear. Agreed, agreed, I who am on my way, 03:0091;01[A ]| words bellying out my sails, am also that unthinkable ancestor of whom nothing 03:0091;01[A ]| can be$1$ said. But perhaps I shall speak of him some day, and of the impenetrable 03:0091;01[A ]| age when I was he, some day when they fall silent, convinced at last I shall never 03:0091;01[A ]| get born, having failed to$9$ be$1$ conceived. Yes, perhaps I shall speak of him, for a 03:0091;01[A ]| instant, like the echo that mocks, before being restored to$4$ him, the one they could 03:0091;01[A ]| not part me from. And indeed they are weakening already, it is perceptible. But 03:0091;01[A ]| it is a feint, to$9$ have$1$ me rejoice without cause, after their fashion, and accept their 03:0091;01[A ]| terms, for the sake of peace at any price. But I can do$1$ nothing, that is what they 03:0091;01[A ]| seem to$9$ forget at each instant. I can not rejoice and I can not grieve, it is in vain they 03:0091;01[A ]| explained to$4$ me how it is done, I never understood. And what terms? I do not 03:0091;01[A ]| know what it is they want. I say what it is, but I do not know. I emit 03:0092;01[A ]| sounds, better and better it seems to$4$ me. If that is not enough for them I can not 03:0092;01[A ]| help it. If I speak of a head, referring to$4$ me, it is because I hear it being spoken of. 03:0092;01[A ]| But why keep on saying the same thing? They hope things will change one day, 03:0092;01[A ]| it is natural. That one day on my windpipe, or some other section of the conduit, a 03:0092;01[A ]| nice little abscess will form, with a idea inside, point of departure for a general 03:0092;01[A ]| infection. This would enable me to$9$ jubilate like a normal person, knowing why. 03:0092;01[A ]| And in no time I would be$1$ a network of fistulae, bubbling with the blessed pus of 03:0092;01[A ]| reason. Ah if I were flesh and blood, as they are kind enough to$9$ posit, I would not 03:0092;01[A ]| say$1$ no, there might be$1$ something in their little idea. They say I suffer like true 03:0092;01[A ]| thinking flesh, but I am sorry, I feel nothing. Mahood I felt a little, now and then, 03:0092;01[A ]| but what good did that do them? No, they would be$1$ better advised to$9$ try something 03:0092;01[A ]| else. I felt the cang, the flies, the sawdust under my stumps, the tarpaulin on my 03:0092;01[A ]| skull, when they were mentioned to$4$ me. But can that be$1$ called a life which 03:0092;01[A ]| vanishes when the subject is changed? I do not see why not. But they must have$1$ 03:0092;01[A ]| decreed it can not. They are too hard to$9$ please, they ask too much. They want me to$9$ 03:0092;01[A ]| have$1$ a pain in the neck, irrefragable proof of animation, while listening to$9$ talk of 03:0092;01[A ]| the heavens. They want me to$9$ have$1$ a mind where it is known once and for all 03:0092;01[A ]| that I have a pain in the neck, that flies are devouring me and that the heavens 03:0092;01[A ]| can do$1$ nothing to$9$ help. Let them scourge me without ceasing and evermore, 03:0092;01[A ]| more and more lustily (in view of the habituation factor), in the end I might 03:0092;01[A ]| begin to$9$ look as if I had grasped the meaning of life. They might even take a 03:0092;01[A ]| breather from time to$4$ time, without my ceasing to$9$ 03:0093;01[A ]| howl. For they would have$1$ warned me, before they started, You must howl, do 03:0093;01[A ]| you hear, otherwise it proves nothing. And worn out at last, or feeble with old 03:0093;01[A ]| age, and my cries having ceased for want of nourishment, they could pronounce 03:0093;01[A ]| me dead with every appearance of veracity. And without ever having had to$9$ 03:0093;01[A ]| move I would have$1$ gained my rest and heard them say, striking softly together 03:0093;01[A ]| their dry old hands as if to$9$ shake off the dust, He will never move again. No, that 03:0093;01[A ]| would be$1$ too simple. We must have$1$ the heavens and God knows what besides, 03:0093;01[A ]| lights, luminaries, the three-monthly ray of hope and the gleam of consolation. 03:0093;01[A ]| But let us close this parenthesis and, with a light heart, open the next. The noise. 03:0093;01[A ]| How long did I remain a pure ear? Up to$4$ the moment when it could go on no 03:0093;01[A ]| longer, being too good to$9$ last, compared to$4$ what was coming. These millions of 03:0093;01[A ]| different sounds, always the same, recurring without pause, are all one requires 03:0093;01[A ]| to$9$ sprout a head, a bud to$9$ begin with, finally huge, its function first to$9$ silence, 03:0093;01[A ]| then to$9$ extinguish when the eye joins in, and worse than the evil, its 03:0093;01[A ]| treasure-house. But no lingering on this thin ice. The mechanism matters little, provided 03:0093;01[A ]| I succeed in saying, before I go deaf, It is a voice, and it speaks to$4$ me. In inquiring, 03:0093;01[A ]| boldly, if it is not mine. In deciding, it does not matter how, that I have none. In 03:0093;01[A ]| blowing darkly hot and cold, with concomitant identical sensations. It is a 03:0093;01[A ]| starting-point, he is off, they do not see me, but they hear me, panting, riveted, they 03:0093;01[A ]| do not know I am riveted. He knows they are words, he is not sure they are not his, that is 03:0093;01[A ]| how it begins, with such a start no one ever looked back, one day he will make 03:0093;01[A ]| them his, when he thinks he is alone, far from all 03:0094;01[A ]| men, out of range of every voice, and come to$4$ the light of day they keep telling 03:0094;01[A ]| him of. Yes, I know they are words, there was a time I did not, as I still do not know 03:0094;01[A ]| if they are mine. Their hopes are therefore founded. In their shoes I would be$1$ content 03:0094;01[A ]| with my knowing what I know, I would demand no more of me than to$9$ know that 03:0094;01[A ]| what I hear is not the innocent and necessary sound of dumb things constrained 03:0094;01[A ]| to$9$ endure, but the terror-stricken babble of the condemned to$4$ silence. I would 03:0094;01[A ]| have$1$ pity, give me quittance, not harry me into appearing my own destroyer. 03:0094;01[A ]| But they are severe, greedy, no less, perhaps more, than when I was playing 03:0094;01[A ]| Mahood. Instead of drawing in their horns! It is true I have not spoken yet. In at 03:0094;01[A ]| one ear and incontinent out through the mouth, or the other ear, that is possible 03:0094;01[A ]| too. No sense in multiplying the occasions of error. Two holes and me in the 03:0094;01[A ]| middle, slightly choked. Or a single one, entrance and exit, where the words 03:0094;01[A ]| swarm and jostle like ants, hasty, indifferent, bringing nothing, taking nothing 03:0094;01[A ]| away, too light to$9$ leave a mark. I shall not say$1$ I again, ever again, it is too farcical. I 03:0094;01[A ]| shall put in its place, whenever I hear it, the third person, if I think of it. 03:0094;01[A ]| Anything to$9$ please them. It will make no difference. Where I am there is no one 03:0094;01[A ]| but me, who am not. So much for that. Words he says he knows they are words. 03:0094;01[A ]| But how can he know, who has never heard anything else? True. Not to$9$ mention 03:0094;01[A ]| other things, many others, to$4$ which the abundance of matter has unfortunately 03:0094;01[A ]| up to$4$ now prohibited the least allusion. For example, to$9$ begin with, his breathing. 03:0094;01[A ]| There he is now with breath in his nostrils, it only remains for him to$9$ suffocate. 03:0094;01[A ]| The thorax rises and falls, the wear and tear 03:0095;01[A ]| are in full spring, the rot spreads downwards, soon he will have$1$ legs, the 03:0095;01[A ]| possibility of crawling. More lies, he does not breathe yet, he will never breathe. 03:0095;01[A ]| Then what is this faint noise, as of air stealthily stirred, recalling the breath of life, 03:0095;01[A ]| to$4$ those whom it corrodes? It is a bad example. But these lights that go out 03:0095;01[A ]| hissing? Is it not more likely a great crackle of laughter, at the sight of his terror 03:0095;01[A ]| and distress? To$9$ see him flooded with light, then suddenly plunged back in 03:0095;01[A ]| darkness, must strike them as irresistibly funny. But they have been there so long 03:0095;01[A ]| now, on every side, they may have$1$ made a hole in the wall, a little hole, to$9$ glue 03:0095;01[A ]| their eyes to$5$, turn about. And these lights are perhaps those they shine upon him, 03:0095;01[A ]| from time to$4$ time, in order to$9$ observe the progress he is making. But this 03:0095;01[A ]| question of lights deserves to$9$ be$1$ treated in a section apart, it is so intriguing, and 03:0095;01[A ]| at length, composedly, and so it will be$1$, at the first opportunity, when time is not 03:0095;01[A ]| so short, and the mind more composed. Resolution number twenty-three. And 03:0095;01[A ]| in the meantime the conclusion to$9$ be$1$ drawn? That the only noises Worm has 03:0095;01[A ]| had till now are those of mouths? Correct. Not forgetting the groaning of the air 03:0095;01[A ]| beneath the burden. He is coming, that is the main thing. When on earth later on 03:0095;01[A ]| the storms rage, drowning momentarily the free expression of opinion, he will 03:0095;01[A ]| know what is afoot, that the end of the world is not at hand. No, in the place 03:0095;01[A ]| where he is he can not learn, the head can not work, he knows no more than on 03:0095;01[A ]| the first day, he merely hears, and suffers, uncomprehending, that must be$1$ 03:0095;01[A ]| possible. A head has grown out of his ear, the better to$9$ enrage him, that must be$1$ 03:0095;01[A ]| it. The head is there, glued to$4$ the ear, and in it nothing but rage, that is all that 03:0096;01[A ]| matters, for the time being. It is a transformer in which sound is turned, 03:0096;01[A ]| without the help of reason, to$4$ rage and terror, that is all that is required, for the 03:0096;01[A ]| moment. The circumvolutionisation will be$1$ seen too later, when they get him 03:0096;01[A ]| out. 03:0096;01@@@@@| 03:0096;01[A ]| Why then the human voice, rather than a hyena's howls or the clanging of a 03:0096;01[A ]| hammer? Answer, so that the shock may not be$1$ too great, when the writhings of 03:0096;01[A ]| true lips meet his gaze. Between them they find a rejoinder to$4$ everything. And 03:0096;01[A ]| how they enjoy talking, they know there is no worse torment, for one not in the 03:0096;01[A ]| conversation. They are numerous, all round, holding hands perhaps, a endless 03:0096;01[A ]| chain, taking turns to$9$ talk. They wheel, in jerks, so that the voice always comes 03:0096;01[A ]| from the same quarter. But often they all speak at once, they all say 03:0096;01[A ]| simultaneously the same thing exactly, but so perfectly together that one would 03:0096;01[A ]| take it for a single voice, a single mouth, if one did not know that God alone can 03:0096;01[A ]| fill the rose of the winds, without moving from his place. One, but not Worm, 03:0096;01[A ]| who says nothing, knows nothing, yet. Similarly turn about they benefit by the 03:0096;01[A ]| peephole, those who care to$9$. While one speaks another peeps, the one no doubt 03:0096;01[A ]| whose voice is next due and whose remarks may possibly have$1$ reference to$4$ what 03:0096;01[A ]| he may possibly have$1$ seen, this depending on whether what he has seen has 03:0096;01[A ]| aroused his interest to$4$ the extent of appearing worthy of remark, even 03:0096;01[A ]| indirectly. But what hope has sustained them, all the time they have been thus 03:0096;01[A ]| employed? For it is difficult not to$9$ suppose them sustained by some form of hope. 03:0096;01[A ]| And what is the nature of the change they are on the look out for, gluing one eye 03:0096;01[A ]| to$4$ the hole and closing the other. They have no pedagogic purpose in 03:0097;01[A ]| view, that is definite. There is no question of imparting to$4$ him any instruction 03:0097;01[A ]| whatsoever, for the moment. This catechist's tongue, honeyed and perfidious, is 03:0097;01[A ]| the only one they know. Let him move, try and move, that is all they ask, for the 03:0097;01[A ]| moment. No matter where he goes, being at the centre, he will go towards them. 03:0097;01[A ]| So he is at the centre, there is a clue of the highest interest, it matters little to$4$ 03:0097;01[A ]| what. They look, to$9$ see if he has stirred. He is nothing but a shapeless heap, 03:0097;01[A ]| without a face capable of reflecting the niceties of a torment, but the disposition of 03:0097;01[A ]| which, its greater or lesser degree of crouch and huddledness, is no doubt 03:0097;01[A ]| expressive, for specialists, and enables them to$9$ assess the chances of its suddenly 03:0097;01[A ]| making a bound, or dragging its coils faintly away, as if stricken to$4$ death. 03:0097;01[A ]| Somewhere in the heap a eye, a wild equine eye, always open, they must have$1$ 03:0097;01[A ]| a eye, they see him possessed of a eye. No matter where he goes he will go 03:0097;01[A ]| towards them, towards their song of triumph, when they know he has moved, or 03:0097;01[A ]| towards their sudden silence, when they know he has moved, to$9$ make him think 03:0097;01[A ]| he did well to$9$ move, or towards the voice growing softer, as if receding, to$9$ make 03:0097;01[A ]| him think he is drawing away from them, but not yet far enough, whereas he is 03:0097;01[A ]| drawing nearer, nearer and nearer. No, he can not think anything, can not judge of 03:0097;01[A ]| anything, but the kind of flesh he has is good enough, will try and go where peace 03:0097;01[A ]| seems to$9$ be$1$, drop and lie when it suffers no more, or less, or can go no further. 03:0097;01[A ]| Then the voice will begin again, low at first, then louder, coming from the 03:0097;01[A ]| quarter they want him to$9$ retreat from, to$9$ make him think he is pursued and 03:0097;01[A ]| struggle on, towards them. In this way they will bring him to$4$ the wall, and even to$4$ 03:0097;01[A ]| the 03:0098;01[A ]| precise point where they have made other holes through which to$9$ pass their 03:0098;01[A ]| arms and seize him. How physical this all isl And then, unable to$9$ go any further, 03:0098;01[A ]| because of the obstacle, and unable to$9$ go any further in any case, and not needing 03:0098;01[A ]| to$9$ go any further for the moment, because of the great silence which has fallen, 03:0098;01[A ]| he will drop, assuming he had risen, but even a reptile can drop, after a long 03:0098;01[A ]| flight, the expression may be$1$ used without impropriety. He will drop, it will be$1$ 03:0098;01[A ]| his first corner, his first experience of the vertical support, the vertical shelter, 03:0098;01[A ]| reinforcing those of the ground. That must be$1$ something, while waiting for 03:0098;01[A ]| oblivion, to$9$ feel a prop and buckler, not only for one of one's six planes, but for 03:0098;01[A ]| two, for the first time. But Worm will never know this joy but darkly, being less 03:0098;01[A ]| than a beast, before he is restored, more or less, to$4$ that state in which he was 03:0098;01[A ]| before the beginning of his prehistory. Then they will lay hold of him and gather 03:0098;01[A ]| him into their midst. For if they could make a small hole for the eye, then bigger 03:0098;01[A ]| ones for the arms, they can make one bigger still for the transit of Worm, from 03:0098;01[A ]| darkness to$4$ light. But what is the good of talking about what they will do$1$ as soon 03:0098;01[A ]| as Worm sets himself in motion, so as to$9$ gather him without fail into their 03:0098;01[A ]| midst, since he can not set himself in motion, though he often desires to$9$, if when 03:0098;01[A ]| speaking of him one may speak of desire, and one may not, one should not, but 03:0098;01[A ]| there it is, that is the way to$9$ speak of him, that is the way to$9$ speak to$4$ him, as if he 03:0098;01[A ]| were alive, as if he could understand, as if he could desire, even if it serves no 03:0098;01[A ]| purpose, and it serves none. And it is a blessing for him he can not stir, even 03:0098;01[A ]| though he suffers because of it, for it would be$1$ to$9$ sign his life-warrant, 03:0099;01[A ]| to$9$ stir from where he is, in search of a little calm and something of the 03:0099;01[A ]| silence of old. But perhaps one day he will stir, the day when the little effort of 03:0099;01[A ]| the early stages, infinitely weak, will have$1$ become, by dint of repetition, a great 03:0099;01[A ]| effort, strong enough to$9$ tear him from where he lies. Or perhaps one day they 03:0099;01[A ]| will leave him in peace, letting go their hands, filling up the holes and departing, 03:0099;01[A ]| towards more profitable occupations, in Indian file. For a decision must be$1$ 03:0099;01[A ]| reached, the scales must tilt, to$4$ one side or the other. No, one can spend one's life 03:0099;01[A ]| thus, unable to$9$ live, unable to$9$ bring to$4$ life, and die in vain, having done nothing, 03:0099;01[A ]| been nothing. It is strange they do not go and fetch him in his den, since they 03:0099;01[A ]| seem to$9$ have$1$ access to$4$ it. They dare not, the air in the midst of which he lies is 03:0099;01[A ]| not for them, and yet they want him to$9$ breathe theirs. They could set a dog on 03:0099;01[A ]| him perhaps, with instructions to$9$ drag him out. But no dog would survive there 03:0099;01[A ]| either, not for one second. With a long pole perhaps, with a hook at the end. But 03:0099;01[A ]| the place where he lies is vast, that is interesting, he is far, too far for them to$9$ 03:0099;01[A ]| reach him even with the longest pole. That tiny blur, in the depths of the pit, is 03:0099;01[A ]| he. There he is now in a pit, no avenue will have$1$ been left unexplored. They say 03:0099;01[A ]| they see him, the blur is what they see, they say the blur is he, perhaps it is. They 03:0099;01[A ]| say he hears them, they do not know, perhaps he does, yes, he hears, nothing else 03:0099;01[A ]| is certain. Worm hears, though hear is not the word, but it will do$1$, it will have$1$ to$9$ 03:0099;01[A ]| do$1$. They look down upon him then, according to$4$ the latest news, he will have$1$ to$9$ 03:0099;01[A ]| climb to$9$ reach them. Bah, the latest news, the latest news is not the last. The 03:0099;01[A ]| slopes are gentle that meet where he lies, they flatten out 03:0100;01[A ]| under him, it is not a meeting, it is not a pit, that did not take long, soon we will 03:0100;01[A ]| have$1$ him perched on a eminence. They do not know what to$9$ say$1$, to$9$ be$1$ able to$9$ 03:0100;01[A ]| believe in him, what to$9$ invent, to$9$ be$1$ reassured, they see nothing, they see grey, 03:0100;01[A ]| like still smoke, unbroken, where he might be$1$, if he must be$1$ somewhere, where 03:0100;01[A ]| they have decreed he is, into which they launch their voices, one after another, in 03:0100;01[A ]| the hope of dislodging him, hearing him stir, seeing him loom within reach of 03:0100;01[A ]| their gaffs, hooks, barbs, grapnels, saved at last, home at last. And now that is 03:0100;01[A ]| enough about them, their usefulness is over, no, not yet, let them stay, they may 03:0100;01[A ]| still serve, stay where they are, turning in a ring, launching their voices, through 03:0100;01[A ]| the hole, there must be$1$ a hole for the voices too. But is it them he hears? Are they 03:0100;01[A ]| really necessary that he may hear, they and kindred puppets? Enough 03:0100;01[A ]| concessions, to$4$ the spirit of geometry. He hears, that is all about it, he who is 03:0100;01[A ]| alone, and mute, lost in the smoke, it is not real smoke, there is no fire, no 03:0100;01[A ]| matter, strange hell that has no heating, no denizens, perhaps it is paradise, 03:0100;01[A ]| perhaps it is the light of paradise, and the solitude, and this voice the voice of the 03:0100;01[A ]| blest interceding invisible, for the living, for the dead, all is possible. It is not the 03:0100;01[A ]| earth, that is all that counts, it can not be$1$ the earth, it can not be$1$ a hole in the earth, 03:0100;01[A ]| inhabited by Worm alone, or by others if you like, huddled in a heap like him, 03:0100;01[A ]| mute, immovable, and this voice the voice of those who mourn them, envy 03:0100;01[A ]| them, call on them and forget them, that would account for its incoherence, all is 03:0100;01[A ]| possible. Yes, so much the worse, he knows it is a voice, how is not known, 03:0100;01[A ]| nothing is known, he understands nothing 03:0101;01[A ]| it says, just a little, almost nothing, it is inexplicable, but it is necessary, it is 03:0101;01[A ]| preferable, that he should understand just a little, almost nothing, like a dog that 03:0101;01[A ]| always gets the same filth flung to$4$ it, the same orders, the same threats, the same 03:0101;01[A ]| cajoleries. That settles that, the end is in sight. But the eye, let us leave him his eye 03:0101;01[A ]| too, it is to$9$ see with, this great wild black and white eye, moist, it is to$9$ weep with, 03:0101;01[A ]| it is to$9$ practise with, before he goes to$4$ Killarney. What does he do with it, he does 03:0101;01[A ]| nothing with it, the eye stays open, it is a eye without lids, no need for lids here, 03:0101;01[A ]| where nothing happens, or so little, if he could blink he might miss the odd sight, 03:0101;01[A ]| if he could close it, the kind he is, he would never open it again. Tears gush from it 03:0101;01[A ]| practically without ceasing, why is not known, nothing is known, whether it is 03:0101;01[A ]| with rage, or whether it is with grief, the fact is there, perhaps it is the voice that 03:0101;01[A ]| makes it weep, with rage, or some other passion, or at having to$9$ see, from time to$4$ 03:0101;01[A ]| time, some sight or other, perhaps that is it, perhaps he weeps in order not to$9$ see, 03:0101;01[A ]| though it seems difficult to$9$ credit him with a initiative of this complexity. The 03:0101;01[A ]| rascal, he is getting humanized, he is going to$9$ lose if he does not watch out, if he 03:0101;01[A ]| does not take care, and with what could he take care, with what could he form the 03:0101;01[A ]| faintest conception of the condition they are decoying him into, with their ears, 03:0101;01[A ]| their eyes, their tears and a brainpan where anything may happen. That is his 03:0101;01[A ]| strength, his only strength, that he understands nothing, can not take thought, 03:0101;01[A ]| does not know what they want, does not know they are there, feels nothing, ah but 03:0101;01[A ]| just a moment, he feels, he suffers, the noise makes him suffer, and he knows, he 03:0101;01[A ]| knows it is a 03:0102;01[A ]| voice, and he understands, a few expressions here and there, a few intonations, 03:0102;01[A ]| ah it looks bad, bad, no, perhaps not, for it is they describe him thus, without 03:0102;01[A ]| knowing, thus because they need him thus, perhaps he hears nothing, suffers 03:0102;01[A ]| nothing, and this eye, more mere imagination. He hears, true, though it is they 03:0102;01[A ]| again who say it, but this can not be$1$ denied, this is better not denied. Worm hears, 03:0102;01[A ]| that is all can be$1$ said for certain, whereas there was a time he did not, the same 03:0102;01[A ]| Worm, according to$4$ them, he has therefore changed, that is grave, gravid, who 03:0102;01[A ]| knows to$4$ what lengths he may be$1$ carried, no, he can be$1$ relied on. The eye too, of 03:0102;01[A ]| course, is there to$9$ put him to$4$ flight, make him take fright, badly enough to$9$ break 03:0102;01[A ]| his bonds, they call that bonds, they want to$9$ deliver him, ah mother of God, the 03:0102;01[A ]| things one has to$9$ listen to$4$, perhaps it is tears of mirth. 03:0102;01@@@@@| 03:0102;01[A ]| Well, no matter, let us drive 03:0102;01[A ]| on now to$4$ the end of the joke, we must be$1$ nearly there, and see what they have to$9$ 03:0102;01[A ]| offer him, in the way of bugaboos. Who, we? Do not all speak at once, there is no 03:0102;01[A ]| sense in that either. All will come right, later on in the evening, everyone gone 03:0102;01[A ]| and silence restored. In the meantime no sense in bickering about pronouns and 03:0102;01[A ]| other parts of blather. The subject does not matter, there is none. Worm being in 03:0102;01[A ]| the singular, as it turned out, they are in the plural, to$9$ avoid confusion, 03:0102;01[A ]| confusion is better avoided, pending the great confounding. Perhaps there is only 03:0102;01[A ]| one of them, one would do$1$ the trick just as well, but he might get mixed up with 03:0102;01[A ]| his victim, that would be$1$ abominable, downright masturbation. We are getting 03:0102;01[A ]| on. Nothing much then in the way of sights for sore eves. But who can be$1$ sure 03:0102;01[A ]| who has not been there, has not lived there, they call 03:0103;01[A ]| that living, for them the spark is present, ready to$9$ burst into flame, all it needs 03:0103;01[A ]| is preaching on, to$9$ become a living torch, screams included. Then they may go 03:0103;01[A ]| silent, without having to$9$ fear a embarrassing silence, when steps are heard on 03:0103;01[A ]| graves as the saying is, genuine hell. Decidedly this eye is hard of hearing. Noises 03:0103;01[A ]| travel, traverse walls, but may the same be$1$ said of appearances? By no means, 03:0103;01[A ]| generally speaking. But the present case is rather special. But what appearances, it 03:0103;01[A ]| is always well to$9$ try and find out what one is talking about, even at the risk of 03:0103;01[A ]| being deceived. This grey to$9$ begin with, meant to$9$ be$1$ depressing no doubt. And yet 03:0103;01[A ]| there is yellow in it, pink too apparently, it is a nice grey, of the kind 03:0103;01[A ]| recommended as going with everything, urinous and warm. In it the eye can see, 03:0103;01[A ]| otherwise why the eye, but dimly, that is right, no superfluous particulars, later 03:0103;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ controverted. A man would wonder where his kingdom ended, his eye 03:0103;01[A ]| strive to$9$ penetrate the gloom, and he crave for a stick, a arm, fingers apt to$9$ grasp 03:0103;01[A ]| and then release, at the right moment, a stone, stones, or for the power to$9$ utter a 03:0103;01[A ]| cry and wait, counting the seconds, for it to$9$ come back to$4$ him, and suffer, 03:0103;01[A ]| certainly, at having neither voice nor other missile, nor limbs submissive to$4$ him, 03:0103;01[A ]| bending and unbending at the word of command, and perhaps even regret being 03:0103;01[A ]| a man, under such conditions, that is to$9$ say$1$ a head abandoned to$4$ its ancient 03:0103;01[A ]| solitary resources. But Worm suffers only from the noise which prevents him 03:0103;01[A ]| from being what he was before, admire the nuance. If it is the same Worm, and 03:0103;01[A ]| they have set their hearts on it. And if it is not it makes no difference, he suffers 03:0103;01[A ]| as he has always suffered, from this noise that prevents 03:0104;01[A ]| nothing, that must be$1$ feasible. In any case this grey can hardly be$1$ said to$9$ add to$4$ 03:0104;01[A ]| his misery, brightness would be$1$ better suited for that purpose, since he can not 03:0104;01[A ]| close his eye. He can not avert it either, nor lower it, nor lift it up, it remains 03:0104;01[A ]| trained on the same tiny field, a stranger forever to$4$ the boons and blessings of 03:0104;01[A ]| accommodation. But perhaps one day brightness will come, little by little, or 03:0104;01[A ]| rapidly, or in a sudden flood, and then it is hard to$9$ see how Worm could stay, and 03:0104;01[A ]| it is also hard to$9$ see how he could go. But impossible situations can not be$1$ 03:0104;01[A ]| prolonged, unduly, the fact is well known, either they disperse, or else they turn 03:0104;01[A ]| out to$9$ be$1$ possible after all, it is only to$9$ be$1$ expected, not to$9$ mention other 03:0104;01[A ]| possibilities. Let there then be$1$ light, it will not necessarily be$1$ disastrous. Or let 03:0104;01[A ]| there be$1$ none, we will manage without it. But these lights, in the plural, which rear 03:0104;01[A ]| aloft, swell, sweep down and go out hissing, reminding one of the naja, perhaps 03:0104;01[A ]| the moment has come to$9$ throw them into the balance and have done with this 03:0104;01[A ]| tedious equipoise, at last. No, the moment has not yet come, to$9$ do$1$ that. Ha. None 03:0104;01[A ]| of your hoping here, that would spoil everything. Let others hope for him, 03:0104;01[A ]| outside, in the cool, in the light, if they have a wish to$9$, or if they are obliged to$9$, or 03:0104;01[A ]| if they are paid to$9$, yes, they must be$1$ paid to$9$ hope, they hope nothing, they hope 03:0104;01[A ]| things will continue as they are, it is a soft job, their thoughts wander as they call 03:0104;01[A ]| on Jude, it is praying they are, praying for Worm, praying to$4$ Worm, to$9$ have$1$ pity, 03:0104;01[A ]| pity on them, pity on Worm, they call that pity, merciful God, the things one has 03:0104;01[A ]| to$9$ put up with, fortunately it all means nothing to$4$ him. Currish obscurity, to$4$ thy 03:0104;01[A ]| kennel, hell-hound! Grey. What else? Calm, calm, there must be$1$ 03:0105;01[A ]| something else, to$9$ go with this grey, which goes with everything. There must be$1$ 03:0105;01[A ]| something of everything here, as in every world, a little of everything. Mighty 03:0105;01[A ]| little, it seems. Beside the point in any case. What balls is going on before this 03:0105;01[A ]| impotent crystalline, that is all that needs to$9$ be$1$ imagined. A face, how 03:0105;01[A ]| encouraging that would be$1$, if it could be$1$ a face, every now and then, always the 03:0105;01[A ]| same, methodically varying its expressions, doggedly demonstrating all a true face 03:0105;01[A ]| can do$1$, without ever ceasing to$9$ be$1$ recognizable as such, passing from unmixed 03:0105;01[A ]| joy to$4$ the sullen fixity of marble, via the most characteristic shades of 03:0105;01[A ]| disenchantment, how pleasant that would be$1$. Worth ten of Saint Anthony's pig's 03:0105;01[A ]| arse. Passing by at the right distance, the right level, say once a month, that is not 03:0105;01[A ]| exorbitant, full face and profile, like criminals. It might even pause, open its 03:0105;01[A ]| mouth, raises its eyebrows, bless its soul, stutter, mutter, howl, groan and finally 03:0105;01[A ]| shut up, the chaps clenched to$4$ cracking point, or fallen, to$9$ let the dribble out. That 03:0105;01[A ]| would be$1$ nice. A presence at last. A visitor, faithful, with his visiting-day, his 03:0105;01[A ]| visiting-hour, never staying too long, it would be$1$ wearisome, or too little, it 03:0105;01[A ]| would not be$1$ enough, but just the necessary time for hope to$9$ be$1$ born, grow, 03:0105;01[A ]| languish and die, say five minutes. And even should the notion of time dawn on 03:0105;01[A ]| his darkness, at this punctual image of the countenance everlasting, who could 03:0105;01[A ]| blame him? Involving very naturally that of space, they have taken to$4$ going 03:0105;01[A ]| hand in hand, in certain quarters, it is safer. And the game would be$1$ won, lost and 03:0105;01[A ]| won, he would be$1$ somehow suddenly among us, among the rendez-vous, and people 03:0105;01[A ]| saying, Look at old Worm, waiting for his sweetheart, and the flowers, look 03:0106;01[A ]| at the flowers, you would think he was asleep, you know old Worm, waiting for his 03:0106;01[A ]| love, and the daisies, look at the daisies, you would think he was dead. That would be$1$ 03:0106;01[A ]| worth seeing. Fortunately it is all a dream. For here there is no face, nor anything 03:0106;01[A ]| resembling one, nothing to$9$ reflect the joy of living and succedanea, nothing for it 03:0106;01[A ]| but to$9$ try something else. Some simple thing, a box, a piece of wood, to$9$ come to$4$ 03:0106;01[A ]| rest before him for a instant, once a year, once every two years, a ball, revolving 03:0106;01[A ]| one knows not how about one knows not what, about him, every two years, 03:0106;01[A ]| every three years, frequency unimportant in the early stages, without stopping, 03:0106;01[A ]| it need not stop, that would be$1$ better than nothing, he would hear it approaching, hear 03:0106;01[A ]| it receding, it would be$1$ a event, he might learn to$9$ count, the, minutes, the 03:0106;01[A ]| hours, to$9$ fret, be$1$ brave, have$1$ patience, lose patience, turn his head, roll his eye, a 03:0106;01[A ]| big stone, and faithful, that would be$1$ better than nothing, pending the hearts of 03:0106;01[A ]| flesh. And even should his start off, his heart that is, on its waltz, in his ear, 03:0106;01[A ]| tralatralay pom pom, again, tralatralay pom pom, re mi re do bang bang, who 03:0106;01[A ]| could reprehend him? Unfortunately we must stick to$4$ the facts, for what else is 03:0106;01[A ]| there, to$9$ stick to$5$, to$9$ cling to$5$, when all founders, but the facts, when there are any, 03:0106;01[A ]| still floating, within reach of the heart, happy expression that, of the heart crying 03:0106;01[A ]| out, The facts are there, the facts are there, and then more calmly, when the 03:0106;01[A ]| danger is past, the continuation, namely, in the case before us, Here there is no 03:0106;01[A ]| wood, nor any stone, or if there is, the facts are there, it is as if there was not, the 03:0106;01[A ]| facts are there, no vegetables, no minerals, only Worm, kingdom unknown, 03:0106;01[A ]| Worm is there, as it were, as it were. But not too fast, it is too soon, to$9$ return, to$4$ 03:0106;01[A ]| where 03:0107;01[A ]| I am, empty-handed, in triumph, to$4$ where I am waiting, calm, passably calm, 03:0107;01[A ]| knowing, thinking I know, that nothing has befallen me, nothing will befall me, 03:0107;01[A ]| nothing good, nothing bad, nothing to$9$ be$1$ the death of me, nothing to$9$ be$1$ the life 03:0107;01[A ]| of me, it would be$1$ premature. I see me, I see my place, there is nothing to$9$ show it, 03:0107;01[A ]| nothing to$9$ distinguish it, from all the other places, they are mine, all mine, if I 03:0107;01[A ]| wish, I wish none but mine, there is nothing to$9$ mark it, I am there so little, I see 03:0107;01[A ]| it, I feel it round me, it enfolds me, it covers me, if only this voice would stop, for 03:0107;01[A ]| a second, it would seem long to$4$ me, a second of silence. I would listen, I would know if it 03:0107;01[A ]| was going to$9$ start again, or if it was stilled for ever, what would I know it with, I would 03:0107;01[A ]| know. And I would keep on listening, to$9$ try and advance in their good graces, keep my 03:0107;01[A ]| place in their favour, and be$1$ ready, in case they judged fit to$9$ take me in hand 03:0107;01[A ]| again, or I would stop, stop listening, is it possible that one day I shall stop listening, 03:0107;01[A ]| without having to$9$ fear the worst, namely, I do not know, what can be$1$ worse than 03:0107;01[A ]| this, a woman's voice perhaps, I had not thought of that, they might engage a 03:0107;01[A ]| soprano. But let us leave these dreams and try again. If only I knew what they 03:0107;01[A ]| want, they want me to$9$ be$1$ Worm, but I was, I was, what is wrong, I was, but ill, it 03:0107;01[A ]| must be$1$ that, it can only be$1$ that, what else can it be$1$, but that, I did not report in the 03:0107;01[A ]| light, the light of day, in their midst, to$9$ hear them say$1$, Did not we tell you you 03:0107;01[A ]| were alive and kicking? I have endured, that must be$1$ it, I should not have$1$ 03:0107;01[A ]| endured, but I feel nothing, yes yes, this voice, I have endured it, I did not fly from 03:0107;01[A ]| it, I should have$1$ fled, Worm should have$1$ fled, but where, how, he is riveted, 03:0107;01[A ]| Worm should have$1$ dragged himself away, no 03:0108;01[A ]| matter where, towards them, towards the azure, but how could he, he can not stir, 03:0108;01[A ]| it need not be$1$ bonds, there are no bonds here, it is as if he were rooted, that is bonds 03:0108;01[A ]| if you like, the earth would have$1$ to$9$ quake, it is not earth, one does not know what 03:0108;01[A ]| it is, it is like sargasso, no, it is like molasses, no, no matter, a eruption is what is 03:0108;01[A ]| needed, to$9$ spew him into the light But what calm, apart from the discourse, not a 03:0108;01[A ]| breath, it is suspicious, the calm that precedes life, no no, not all this time, it is like 03:0108;01[A ]| slime, paradise, it would be$1$ paradise, but for this noise, it is life trying to$9$ get in, no, 03:0108;01[A ]| trying to$9$ get him out, or little bubbles bursting all around, no, there is no air here, 03:0108;01[A ]| air is to$9$ make you choke, light is to$9$ close your eyes, that is where he must go, 03:0108;01[A ]| where it is never dark, but here it is never dark either, yes, here it is dark, it is they 03:0108;01[A ]| who make this grey, with their lamps. 03:0108;01@@@@@| 03:0108;01[A ]| When they go, when they go silent, it will 03:0108;01[A ]| be$1$ dark, not a sound, not a glimmer, but they will never go, yes, they will go, they will go 03:0108;01[A ]| silent perhaps and go, one day, one evening, slowly, sadly, in Indian file, casting 03:0108;01[A ]| long shadows, towards their master, who will punish them, or who will spare 03:0108;01[A ]| them, what else is there, up above, for those who lose, punishment, pardon, so 03:0108;01[A ]| they say. What have you done with your material? We have left it behind. But 03:0108;01[A ]| commanded to$9$ say$1$ whether yes or no they filled up the holes, have you filled up 03:0108;01[A ]| the holes yes or no, they will say$1$ yes and no, or some yes, others no, at the same 03:0108;01[A ]| time, not knowing what answer the master wants, to$4$ his question. But both are 03:0108;01[A ]| defendable, both yes and no, for they filled up the holes, if you like, and if you 03:0108;01[A ]| do not like they did not, for they did not know what to$9$ do$1$, on departing, whether to$9$ 03:0108;01[A ]| fill up the holes or, on the contrary, leave them gaping 03:0109;01[A ]| wide. So they fixed their lamps in the holes, their long lamps, to$9$ prevent them 03:0109;01[A ]| from closing of themselves, it is like potter's clay, their powerful lamps, lit and 03:0109;01[A ]| trained on the within, to$9$ make him think they are still there, notwithstanding 03:0109;01[A ]| the silence, or to$9$ make him think the grey is natural, or to$9$ make him go on 03:0109;01[A ]| suffering, for he does not suffer from the noise alone, he suffers from the grey 03:0109;01[A ]| too, from the light, he must, it is preferable, or to$9$ make it possible for them to$9$ 03:0109;01[A ]| come back, if the master commands them to$9$, without his knowing they have 03:0109;01[A ]| gone, as if he could know, or for no other reason than their ignorance of what to$9$ 03:0109;01[A ]| do$1$, whether to$9$ fill up the holes or let them fill up of themselves, it is like shit, 03:0109;01[A ]| there we have it at last, there it is at last, the right word, one has only to$9$ seek, seek 03:0109;01[A ]| in vain, to$9$ be$1$ sure of finding in the end, it is a question of elimination. Enough 03:0109;01[A ]| now about holes. The grey means nothing, the grey silence is not necessarily a 03:0109;01[A ]| mere lull, to$9$ be$1$ got through somehow, it may be$1$ final, or it may not. But the 03:0109;01[A ]| lamps unattended will not burn on forever, on the contrary, they will go out, 03:0109;01[A ]| little by little, without attendants to$9$ charge them anew, and go silent, in the end. 03:0109;01[A ]| Then it will be$1$ black. But it is with the black as with the grey, the black proves 03:0109;01[A ]| nothing either, as to$4$ the nature of the silence which it inspissates (as it were). For 03:0109;01[A ]| they may come back, long after the lights are spent, having pleaded for years in 03:0109;01[A ]| vain before the master and failed to$9$ convince him there is nothing to$9$ be$1$ done, 03:0109;01[A ]| with Worm, for Worm. Then all will start over again, obviously. So it will never 03:0109;01[A ]| be$1$ known, Worm will never know, let the silence be$1$ black, or let it be$1$ grey, it can 03:0109;01[A ]| never be$1$ known, as long as it lasts, whether it is final, 03:0110;01[A ]| or whether it is a mere lull, and what a lull, when he must listen, strain his ears 03:0110;01[A ]| for the murmurs of olden silences, hold himself ready for the next instalment, 03:0110;01[A ]| under pain of supplementary thunderbolts. But Worm must not be$1$ confused 03:0110;01[A ]| with another. Though this has no importance, as it happens. For he who has 03:0110;01[A ]| once had to$9$ listen will listen always, whether he knows he will never hear 03:0110;01[A ]| anything again, or whether he does not. In other words, they like other words, no 03:0110;01[A ]| doubt about it, silence once broken will never again be$1$ whole. Is there then no 03:0110;01[A ]| hope? Good gracious, no, heavens, what a idea! Just a faint one perhaps, but 03:0110;01[A ]| which will never serve. But one forgets. And if there is only one he will depart 03:0110;01[A ]| all alone, towards his master, and his long shadow will follow him, across the 03:0110;01[A ]| desert, it is a desert, that is news, Worm will see the light in a desert, the light of 03:0110;01[A ]| day, the desert day, the day they catch him, it is the same as everywhere else, they 03:0110;01[A ]| say not, they say it is purer, clearer, fat lot of difference that will make, oh it is not 03:0110;01[A ]| necessarily the Sahara, or Gobi, there are others, it is the ozone that matters, in the 03:0110;01[A ]| beginning, yes indeed, in the end too, it sterilizes. But this livid eye, what use is it 03:0110;01[A ]| to$4$ him? To$9$ see the light, they call that seeing, no objection, since it causes him 03:0110;01[A ]| suffering, they call that suffering, they know how to$9$ cause suffering, the master 03:0110;01[A ]| explained to$4$ them, Do this, do that, you will see him squirm, you will hear him weep. 03:0110;01[A ]| He weeps, it is a fact, oh not a very firm one, to$9$ be$1$ made the most of quick. As for 03:0110;01[A ]| the squirming, nothing doing. But there is always this to$9$ be$1$ said, things are only 03:0110;01[A ]| beginning, though long since begun, they will not lose heart, they will remember 03:0110;01[A ]| the motto of William the Silent and 03:0111;01[A ]| keep on talking, that is what they are paid for, not for results. Enough about 03:0111;01[A ]| them, they can speak of nothing else, all is theirs, but for them there would be$1$ 03:0111;01[A ]| nothing, not even Worm, he is a idea they have, a word they use, when 03:0111;01[A ]| speaking of them, enough about them. But this grey, this light, if he could 03:0111;01[A ]| escape from this light, which makes him suffer, is it not obvious it would make 03:0111;01[A ]| him suffer more and more, in whatever direction he went, since he is at the 03:0111;01[A ]| centre, and drive him back there, after forty or fifty vain excursions? No, that is 03:0111;01[A ]| not obvious. For it is obvious the light would lessen as he went towards it, they 03:0111;01[A ]| would see to$4$ that, to$9$ make him think he was on the right road and so bring him 03:0111;01[A ]| to$4$ the wall. Then the blaze, the capture and the paean. As long as he suffers 03:0111;01[A ]| there is hope, even though they need none, to$9$ make him suffer. But how can they 03:0111;01[A ]| know he suffers? Do they see him? They say they do. But it is impossible. Hear 03:0111;01[A ]| him? Certainly not. He makes no noise. A little with his whinging perhaps. In 03:0111;01[A ]| any case they are easy, rightly or wrongly, in their minds, he suffers, and thanks 03:0111;01[A ]| to$4$ them. Oh not yet sufficiently, but gently does it, a excess of severity at this 03:0111;01[A ]| stage might darken his understanding forever. Another thing. The problem is 03:0111;01[A ]| delicate. The dulling effect of habit, how do they deal with that? They can combat 03:0111;01[A ]| it of course, raising the voice, increasing the light. But suppose, instead of 03:0111;01[A ]| suffering less, as time flies, he continues to$9$ suffer as much, precisely, as the first 03:0111;01[A ]| day. That must be$1$ possible. And but suppose, instead of suffering less than the 03:0111;01[A ]| first day, or no less, he suffers more and more, as time flies, and the 03:0111;01[A ]| metamorphosis is accomplished, of unchanging future into unchangeable past. 03:0111;01[A ]| Eh? Another thing, but 03:0112;01[A ]| of a different order. The affair is thorny. Is not a uniform suffering preferable to$4$ 03:0112;01[A ]| one which, by its ups and downs, is liable at certain moments to$9$ encourage the 03:0112;01[A ]| view that perhaps after all it is not eternal? That must depend on the object 03:0112;01[A ]| pursued. Namely? A little fit of impatience, on the part of the patient. Thank you. 03:0112;01[A ]| That is the immediate object. Afterwards there will be$1$ others. Afterwards he will be$1$ 03:0112;01[A ]| given lessons in keeping quiet. But for the moment let him toss and turn at least, 03:0112;01[A ]| roll on the ground, damn it all, since there is no other remedy, anything at all, to$9$ 03:0112;01[A ]| relieve the monotony, damn it all, look at the burnt alive, they do not have$1$ to$9$ be$1$ 03:0112;01[A ]| told, when not lashed to$4$ the stake, to$9$ rush about in every direction, without 03:0112;01[A ]| method, crackling, in search of a little cool, there are even those whose sang-froid 03:0112;01[A ]| is such that they throw themselves out of the window. No one asks him to$9$ go to$4$ 03:0112;01[A ]| those lengths. But simply to$9$ discover, without further assistance from without, 03:0112;01[A ]| the alleviations of flight from self, that is all, he will not go far, he need not go far. 03:0112;01[A ]| Simply to$9$ find within himself a palliative for what he is, through no fault of his 03:0112;01[A ]| own. Simply to$9$ imitate the hussar who gets up on a chair the better to$9$ adjust the 03:0112;01[A ]| plume of his busby, it is the least he might do$1$. No one asks him to$9$ think, simply 03:0112;01[A ]| to$9$ suffer, always in the same way, without hope of diminution, without hope of 03:0112;01[A ]| dissolution, it is no more complicated than that. No need to$9$ think in order to$9$ 03:0112;01[A ]| despair. Agreed then on monotony, it is more stimulating. But how can it be$1$ 03:0112;01[A ]| ensured? No matter, no matter how, they are doing the best they can, with the 03:0112;01[A ]| miserable means at their disposal, a voice, a little light, poor devils, that is what 03:0112;01[A ]| they are paid for, they, say, No sign of hardening, no sign of softening, 03:0113;01[A ]| impossible to$9$ say$1$, no matter, it is a good average, we have only to$9$ continue, one 03:0113;01[A ]| day he will understand, one day he will thrill, the little spasm will come, a change in 03:0113;01[A ]| the eye, and cast him up among us. To$9$ be$1$ on the watch and never sight, to$9$ listen 03:0113;01[A ]| for the moan that never comes, that is not a life worth living either. And yet it is 03:0113;01[A ]| theirs. He is there, says the master, somewhere, do as I tell you, bring him before 03:0113;01[A ]| me, he is lacking to$4$ my glory. But one last effort, one more, that is the spirit, that is 03:0113;01[A ]| the way, each time as if it were the last, the only way not to$9$ lose ground. A great 03:0113;01[A ]| gulp of stinking air and off we go, we will be$1$ back in a second. Forward! That is soon 03:0113;01[A ]| said. But where is forward? And why? The dirty pack of fake maniacs, they know 03:0113;01[A ]| I do not know, they know I forget all they say as fast as they say it. These little 03:0113;01[A ]| pauses are a poor trick too. When they go silent, so do I. A second later, I am a 03:0113;01[A ]| second behind them, I remember a second, for the space of a second, that is to$9$ say$1$ 03:0113;01[A ]| long enough to$9$ blurt it out, as received, while receiving the next, which is none 03:0113;01[A ]| of my business either. Not a instant I can call my own and they want me to$9$ 03:0113;01[A ]| know where next to$9$ turn. Ah I know what I would know, and where I would turn, if I had 03:0113;01[A ]| a head that worked. Let them tell me again what I am doing, if they want me to$9$ 03:0113;01[A ]| look as if I were doing it. This tone, these words, to$9$ make me think they come 03:0113;01[A ]| from me. Always the same old dodges, ever since they took it into their heads 03:0113;01[A ]| that my existence is only a question of time. I think I must have$1$ blackouts, whole 03:0113;01[A ]| sentences lost, no, not whole. Perhaps I have missed the keyword to$4$ the whole 03:0113;01[A ]| business. I would not have$1$ understood it, but I would have$1$ said it, that is all that is 03:0113;01[A ]| required, it would have$1$ spoken in 03:0114;01[A ]| my favour, next time they judge me, well well, so they judge me from time to$4$ 03:0114;01[A ]| time, they neglect nothing. Perhaps one day I will know, say, what I am guilty of. 03:0114;01[A ]| How many of us are there altogether, finally? And who is holding forth at the 03:0114;01[A ]| moment? And to$4$ whom? And about what? These are futile teasers. Let them put 03:0114;01[A ]| into my mouth at last the words that will save me, damn me, and no more talk 03:0114;01[A ]| about it, no mole talk about anything. But this is my punishment, my crime is 03:0114;01[A ]| my punishment, that is what they judge me for, I expiate vilely, like a pig, dumb, 03:0114;01[A ]| uncomprehending, possessed of no utterance but theirs. 03:0114;01@@@@@| 03:0114;01[A ]| They will clap me in a 03:0114;01[A ]| dungeon, I am in a dungeon, I have always been in a dungeon, I hear everything, 03:0114;01[A ]| every word they say, it is the only sound, as if I were speaking, to$4$ myself, out loud, 03:0114;01[A ]| in the end you do not know any more, a voice that never stops, where it is coming 03:0114;01[A ]| from. Perhaps there are others here, with me, it is dark, very properly, it is not 03:0114;01[A ]| necessarily a oubliette for one, or one other, perhaps I have a companion in 03:0114;01[A ]| misfortune, given to$4$ talking, or condemned to$9$ talk, you know, any old thing, out 03:0114;01[A ]| loud, without ceasing, but I think not, what do I think not, that I have a 03:0114;01[A ]| companion in misfortune, that is it, that would surprise me, they loathe me, but 03:0114;01[A ]| not to$4$ that extent, they say that would surprise me. I must doze off from time to$4$ 03:0114;01[A ]| time, with open eyes, and yet nothing changes, ever. Gaps, there have always 03:0114;01[A ]| been gaps, it is the voice stopping, it is the voice failing to$9$ carry to$4$ me, what can it 03:0114;01[A ]| matter, perhaps it is important, the result is the same, one perhaps that does not 03:0114;01[A ]| count, exceptionally. They shut me up here, now they are trying to$9$ get me out, to$9$ 03:0114;01[A ]| shut me up somewhere else, or to$9$ let me go, they are capable of putting 03:0115;01[A ]| me out just to$9$ see what I would do$1$. Standing with their backs to$4$ the door, their arms 03:0115;01[A ]| folded, their legs crossed, they would observe me. Or all they did was to$9$ find me 03:0115;01[A ]| here, on their arrival, or long afterwards. They are not interested in me, only in 03:0115;01[A ]| the place, they want the place for one of their own. What can one do$1$ but 03:0115;01[A ]| speculate, speculate, until one hits on the happy speculation? When all goes 03:0115;01[A ]| silent, and comes to$4$ a end, it will be$1$ because the words have been said, those it 03:0115;01[A ]| behoved to$9$ say$1$, no need to$9$ know which, no means of knowing which, they will be$1$ 03:0115;01[A ]| there somewhere, in the heap, in the torrent, not necessarily the last, they have to$9$ 03:0115;01[A ]| be$1$ ratified by the proper authority, that takes time, he is far from here, they bring 03:0115;01[A ]| him the verbatim report of the proceedings, once in a way, he knows the words 03:0115;01[A ]| that count, it is he who chose them, in the meantime the voice continues, while 03:0115;01[A ]| the messenger goes towards the master, and while the master examines the 03:0115;01[A ]| report, and while the messenger comes back with the verdict, the words continue, 03:0115;01[A ]| the wrong words, until the order arrives, to$9$ stop everything or to$9$ continue 03:0115;01[A ]| everything, no, superfluous, everything will continue automatically, until the 03:0115;01[A ]| order arrives, to$9$ stop everything. Perhaps they are somewhere there, the words 03:0115;01[A ]| that count, in what has just been said, the words it behoved to$9$ say$1$, they need not 03:0115;01[A ]| be$1$ more than a few. They say they, speaking of them, to$9$ make me think it is I who 03:0115;01[A ]| am speaking. Or I say they, speaking of God knows what, to$9$ make me think it is 03:0115;01[A ]| not I who am speaking. Or rather there is silence, from the moment the 03:0115;01[A ]| messenger departs until he returns with his orders, namely, Continue. For there 03:0115;01[A ]| are long silences from time to$4$ time, truces, and then I hear 03:0116;01[A ]| them whispering, some perhaps whispering, It is over, this time we have hit the 03:0116;01[A ]| mark, and others, We will have$1$ to$9$ go through it all again, in other words, or in the 03:0116;01[A ]| same words, arranged differently. Respite then, once in a way, if one can call that 03:0116;01[A ]| respite, when one waits to$9$ know one's fate, saying, Perhaps it is not that at all, and 03:0116;01[A ]| saying, Where do these words come from that pour out of my mouth, and what 03:0116;01[A ]| do they mean, no, saying nothing, for the words do not carry any more, if one can 03:0116;01[A ]| call that waiting, when there is no reason for it, and one listens, that stet, without 03:0116;01[A ]| reason, as one has always listened, because one day listening began, because it 03:0116;01[A ]| can not stop, that is not a reason, if one can call that respite. But what is all this 03:0116;01[A ]| about not being able to$9$ die, live, be$1$ born, that must have$1$ some bearing, all this 03:0116;01[A ]| about staying where you are, dying, living, being born, unable to$9$ go forward or 03:0116;01[A ]| back, not knowing where you came from, or where you are, or where you are 03:0116;01[A ]| going, or that it is possible to$9$ be$1$ elsewhere, to$9$ be$1$ otherwise, supposing nothing, 03:0116;01[A ]| asking yourself nothing, you can not, you are there, you do not know who, you do not 03:0116;01[A ]| know where, the thing stays where it is, nothing changes, within it, outside it, 03:0116;01[A ]| apparently, apparently. And there is nothing for it but to$9$ wait for the end, 03:0116;01[A ]| nothing but for the end to$9$ come, and at the end all will be$1$ the same, at the end at 03:0116;01[A ]| last perhaps all the same as before, as all that livelong time when there was 03:0116;01[A ]| nothing for it but to$9$ get to$4$ the end, or fly from it, or wait for it, trembling or not, 03:0116;01[A ]| resigned or not, the nuisance of doing over, and of being, same thing, for one 03:0116;01[A ]| who could never do$1$, never be$1$. Ah if only this voice could stop, this meaningless 03:0116;01[A ]| voice which prevents you from being 03:0117;01[A ]| nothing, just barely prevents you from being nothing and nowhere, just 03:0117;01[A ]| enough to$9$ keep alight this little yellow flame feebly darting from side to$4$ side, 03:0117;01[A ]| panting, as if straining to$9$ tear itself from its wick, it should never have$1$ been lit, or 03:0117;01[A ]| it should never have$1$ been fed, or it should have$1$ been put out, put out, it should 03:0117;01[A ]| have$1$ been let go out. Regretting, that is what helps you on, that is what gets you 03:0117;01[A ]| on towards the end of the world, regretting what is, regretting what was, it is not 03:0117;01[A ]| the same thing, yes, it is the same, you do not know, what is ~~ happening, what is 03:0117;01[A ]| happened, perhaps it is the same, the same regrets, that is what transports you, 03:0117;01[A ]| towards the end of regretting. But a little animation now for pity's sake, it is now 03:0117;01[A ]| or never, a little spirit, it will not produce anything, not a budge, that does not 03:0117;01[A ]| matter, we are not tradesmen, and one never knows, does one, no. Perhaps 03:0117;01[A ]| Mahood will emerge from his urn and make his way towards Montmartre, on 03:0117;01[A ]| his belly, singing, I come, I come, my heart's delight. Or Worm, good old Worm, 03:0117;01[A ]| perhaps he will not be$1$ able to$9$ bear any more, of not being able, of not being able to$9$ 03:0117;01[A ]| bear any more, it would be$1$ a pity to$9$ miss that. If I were they I would set the rats on 03:0117;01[A ]| him, water-rats, sewer-rats, they are the best, oh not too many, a dozen to$4$ a dozen 03:0117;01[A ]| and a half, that might help him make up his mind, to$9$ get going, and what a 03:0117;01[A ]| introduction, to$4$ his future attributes. No, it would be$1$ in vain, a rat would not 03:0117;01[A ]| survive there, not one second. But let us have$1$ another squint at his eye, that is the 03:0117;01[A ]| place to$9$ look. A little raw perhaps, the white, with all the pissing, there is a gleam 03:0117;01[A ]| at last, one hesitates to$9$ say$1$ of intelligence. Apart from that the same as ever. A 03:0117;01[A ]| trifle more prominent perhaps, more paraphimotically globose. 03:0118;01[A ]| It seems to$9$ listen. It is weakening, that is unavoidable, glazing, it is high time to$9$ 03:0118;01[A ]| offer it something to$9$ bring it clean out of its socket, in ten years it will be$1$ too late. 03:0118;01[A ]| The mistake they make of course is to$9$ speak of him as if he really existed, in a 03:0118;01[A ]| specific place, whereas the whole thing is no more than a project for the moment. 03:0118;01[A ]| But let them blunder on to$4$ the end of their folly, then they can go into the 03:0118;01[A ]| question again, taking care not to$9$ compromise themselves by the use of terms, if 03:0118;01[A ]| not of notions, accessible to$4$ the understanding. In the same way the case of 03:0118;01[A ]| Mahood has been insufficiently studied. One may experience the need of such 03:0118;01[A ]| creatures, assuming they are twain, and even the presentiment of their possible 03:0118;01[A ]| reality, without all these blind and surly disquisitions. A little more reflection 03:0118;01[A ]| would have$1$ shown them that the hour to$9$ speak, far from having struck, might 03:0118;01[A ]| never strike. But they are compelled to$9$ speak, it is forbidden them to$9$ stop. Why 03:0118;01[A ]| then not speak of something else, something the existence of which seems in a 03:0118;01[A ]| certain measure already established, on the subject of which one may chatter 03:0118;01[A ]| away without blushing purple every thirty or forty thousand words at having to$9$ 03:0118;01[A ]| employ such locutions and which moreover, supreme guarantee, has caused the 03:0118;01[A ]| glibbest tongues to$9$ wag from time immemorial, it would be$1$ preferable. It is the old 03:0118;01[A ]| story, they want to$9$ be$1$ entertained, while doing their dirty work, no, not 03:0118;01[A ]| entertained, soothed, no, that is not it either, solaced, no, even less, no matter, 03:0118;01[A ]| with the result they achieve nothing, neither what they want, without knowing 03:0118;01[A ]| exactly what, nor the obscure infamy to$4$ which they are committed, the old story. 03:0118;01[A ]| You would not think it was the same gang as a 03:0119;01[A ]| moment ago, or would you? What can you expect, they do not know who they 03:0119;01[A ]| are either, nor where they are, nor what they are doing, nor why everything is 03:0119;01[A ]| going so badly, so abominably badly, that must be$1$ it. So they build up hypotheses 03:0119;01[A ]| that collapse on top of one another, it is human, a lobster could not do$1$ it. Ah a nice 03:0119;01[A ]| mess we are in, the whole pack of us, is it possible we are all in the same boat, no, 03:0119;01[A ]| we are in a nice mess each one in his own peculiar way. I myself have been 03:0119;01[A ]| scandalously bungled, they must be$1$ beginning to$9$ realize it, I on whom all dangles, 03:0119;01[A ]| better still, about whom, much better, all turns, dizzily, yes yes, do not protest, all 03:0119;01[A ]| spins, it is a head, I am in a head, what a illumination, sssst, pissed on out of 03:0119;01[A ]| hand. Ah this blind voice, and these moments of held breath when all listen 03:0119;01[A ]| wildly, and the voice that begins to$9$ fumble again, without knowing what it is 03:0119;01[A ]| looking for, and again the tiny silence, and the listening again, for what, no one 03:0119;01[A ]| knows, a sign of life perhaps, that must be$1$ it, a sign of life escaping someone, and 03:0119;01[A ]| bound to$9$ be$1$ denied if it came, that is it surely, if only all that could stop, there would be$1$ 03:0119;01[A ]| peace, no, too good to$9$ be$1$ believed, the listening would go on, for the voice to$9$ 03:0119;01[A ]| begin again, for a sign of life, for some one to$9$ betray himself, or for something 03:0119;01[A ]| else, anything, what else can there be$1$ but signs of life, the fall of a pin, the stirring 03:0119;01[A ]| of a leaf, or the little cry that frogs give when the scythe slices them in half, or 03:0119;01[A ]| when they are spiked, in their pools, with a spear, one could multiply the 03:0119;01[A ]| examples, it would even be$1$ a excellent idea, but there it is, one can not. Perhaps it 03:0119;01[A ]| would be$1$ better to$9$ be$1$ blind, the blind hear better, full of general knowledge we are 03:0119;01[A ]| this evening, we have even piano-tuners up our sleeve, they strike A 03:0120;01[A ]| and hear G, two minutes later, there is nothing to$9$ be$1$ seen in any case, this eye is 03:0120;01[A ]| a oversight. But this is not Worm speaking. True, so far, who denies it, it would 03:0120;01[A ]| be$1$ premature. Nor I, for that matter, and Mahood is notoriously aphonic. But the 03:0120;01[A ]| question is not there, for the moment, no one knows where it is, but it is not 03:0120;01[A ]| there, for the time being. Ah yes, there is great fun to$9$ be$1$ had from a eye, it weeps 03:0120;01[A ]| for the least little thing, a yes, a no, the yesses make it weep, the noes too, the 03:0120;01[A ]| perhapses particularly, with the result that the grounds for these staggering 03:0120;01[A ]| pronouncements do not always receive the attention they deserve. 03:0120;01@@@@@| 03:0120;01[A ]| Mahood too, I 03:0120;01[A ]| mean Worm, no, Mahood, Mahood too is a great weeper, in case it has not been 03:0120;01[A ]| mentioned, his beard is soaking with the muck, it is quite ridiculous, especially as 03:0120;01[A ]| it does not relieve him in the slightest, what could it possibly relieve him of, the 03:0120;01[A ]| poor brute is as cold as a fish, incapable even of cursing his creator, it is purely 03:0120;01[A ]| mechanical. But it is time Mahood was forgotten, he should never have$1$ been 03:0120;01[A ]| mentioned. No doubt. But is it possible to$9$ forget him? It is true one forgets 03:0120;01[A ]| everything. And yet it is greatly to$9$ be$1$ feared that Mahood will never let himself 03:0120;01[A ]| be$1$ completely resorbed. Worm yes, Worm will vanish utterly, as if he had never 03:0120;01[A ]| been, which indeed is probably the case, as if one could ever vanish utterly 03:0120;01[A ]| without having been at some previous stage. That is soon said. But Mahood too 03:0120;01[A ]| for that matter. It is not clear, tut tut, it is not clear at all. No matter, Mahood will 03:0120;01[A ]| stay where he was put, stuck up to$4$ his skull in his vase, opposite the shambles, 03:0120;01[A ]| beseeching the passers-by, without a word, or a gesture, or any play of his features, 03:0120;01[A ]| they do not play, to$9$ perceive him ostensibly, concomitantly 03:0121;01[A ]| with the day's dish, or independently, for reasons unknown, perhaps in the 03:0121;01[A ]| hope of being proven in the swim, that is to$9$ say$1$ guaranteed to$9$ sink, sooner or 03:0121;01[A ]| later, that must be$1$ it, such notions may be$1$ entertained, without any process of 03:0121;01[A ]| thought. I myself am exceptionally given to$4$ the tear, I should have$1$ preferred this 03:0121;01[A ]| kept dark, in their position I should have$1$ omitted this detail, the truth being I 03:0121;01[A ]| have no vent at my disposal, neither the aforesaid nor those less noble, how can 03:0121;01[A ]| one enjoy good health under such conditions, and what is one to$9$ believe, that is 03:0121;01[A ]| not the point, to$9$ believe this or that, the point is to$9$ guess right, nothing more, 03:0121;01[A ]| they say, If it is not white it is very likely black, it must be$1$ admitted the method 03:0121;01[A ]| lacks subtlety, in view of the intermediate shades all equally worthy of a chance. 03:0121;01[A ]| The time they waste repeating the same thing, when they must know pertinently 03:0121;01[A ]| it is not the right one. Recriminations easily rebutted, if they chose to$9$ take the 03:0121;01[A ]| trouble, and had the leisure, to$9$ reflect on their inanity. But how can you think 03:0121;01[A ]| and speak at the same time, how can you think about what you have said, may 03:0121;01[A ]| say$1$, are saying, and at the same time go on with the last-mentioned, you think 03:0121;01[A ]| about any old thing, you say any old thing, more or less, more or less, in a daze of 03:0121;01[A ]| baseless unanswerable self-reproach, that is why they always repeat the same 03:0121;01[A ]| thing, the same old litany, the one they know by heart, to$9$ try and think of 03:0121;01[A ]| something different, of how to$9$ say$1$ something different from the same old thing, 03:0121;01[A ]| always the same wrong thing said always wrong, they can find nothing, nothing 03:0121;01[A ]| else to$9$ say$1$ but the thing that prevents them from finding, they would do$1$ better to$9$ 03:0121;01[A ]| think of what they are saying, in order at least to$9$ vary its presentation, 03:0122;01[A ]| that is what matters, but how can you think and speak at the same time, without 03:0122;01[A ]| a special gift, your thoughts wander, your words too, far apart, no, that is a 03:0122;01[A ]| exaggeration, apart, between them would be$1$ the place to$9$ be$1$, where you suffer, 03:0122;01[A ]| rejoice, at being bereft of speech, bereft of thought, and feel nothing, hear nothing, 03:0122;01[A ]| know nothing, say nothing, are nothing, that would be$1$ a blessed place to$9$ be$1$, 03:0122;01[A ]| where you are. It is a lucky thing they are there, meaning anywhere, to$9$ bear the 03:0122;01[A ]| responsibility of this state of affairs, with respect to$4$ which if one does not know a 03:0122;01[A ]| great deal one knows at least this, that one would not; care to$9$ have$1$ it on one's 03:0122;01[A ]| conscience, to$9$ have$1$ it on one's stomach is enough. Yes, I am a lucky man to$9$ have$1$ 03:0122;01[A ]| them, these voluble shades, I will be$1$ sorry when they go, for I will not have$1$ them 03:0122;01[A ]| always, not at this rate, they will make me believe I have piped up before they are done 03:0122;01[A ]| with me. The master in any case, we do not intend, listen to$4$ them hedging, we 03:0122;01[A ]| do not intend, unless absolutely driven to$4$ it, to$9$ make the mistake of inquiring into 03:0122;01[A ]| him, he would turn out to$9$ be$1$ a mere high official, we would end up by needing God, we 03:0122;01[A ]| have lost all sense of decency admittedly, but there are still certain depths we 03:0122;01[A ]| prefer not to$9$ sink to$4$. Let us keep to$4$ the family circle, it is more intimate, we all 03:0122;01[A ]| know one another now, no surprises to$9$ be$1$ feared, the will has been opened, 03:0122;01[A ]| nothing for anybody. This eye, curious how this eye invites inspection, demands 03:0122;01[A ]| sympathy, solicits attention, implores assistance, to$9$ do what, it is not clear, to$9$ stop 03:0122;01[A ]| weeping, have$1$ a quick look round, goggle a instant and close forever. It is it you 03:0122;01[A ]| see and it alone, it is from it you set out to$9$ look for a face, to$4$ it you return having 03:0122;01[A ]| found nothing, nothing worth having, nothing but a kind of 03:0123;01[A ]| ashen smear, perhaps it is long grey hair, hanging in a tangle round the mouth, 03:0123;01[A ]| greasy with ancient tears, or the fringe of a mantle spread like a veil, or fingers 03:0123;01[A ]| opening and closing to$9$ try and shut out the world, or all together, fingers, hair 03:0123;01[A ]| and rags, mingled inextricably. Suppositions all equally vain, it is enough to$9$ 03:0123;01[A ]| enounce them to$9$ regret having spoken, familiar torment, a different past, it is 03:0123;01[A ]| often to$9$ be$1$ wished, different from yours, when you find out what it was. He is 03:0123;01[A ]| hairless and naked and his hands, laid flat on his knees once and for all, are in no 03:0123;01[A ]| danger of ever getting into mischief. And the face? Balls, all balls, I do not believe 03:0123;01[A ]| in the eye either, there is nothing here, nothing to$9$ see, nothing to$9$ see with, 03:0123;01[A ]| merciful coincidence, when you think what it would be$1$, a world without 03:0123;01[A ]| spectator, and vice versa, brrr! No spectator then, and better still no spectacle, 03:0123;01[A ]| good riddance. If this noise would stop there would be$1$ nothing more to$9$ say$1$. I wonder 03:0123;01[A ]| what the chat is about at the moment. Worm presumably, Mahood being 03:0123;01[A ]| abandoned. And I await my turn. Yes indeed, I do not despair, all things 03:0123;01[A ]| considered, of drawing their attention to$4$ my case, some fine day. Not that it offers 03:0123;01[A ]| the least interest, hey, something wrong there, not that it is particularly 03:0123;01[A ]| interesting, I will accept that, but it is my turn, I too have the right to$9$ be$1$ shown 03:0123;01[A ]| impossible. This will never end, there is no sense in fooling oneself, yes it will, 03:0123;01[A ]| they will come round to$4$ it, after me it will be$1$ the end, they will give up, saying, It is all 03:0123;01[A ]| a bubble, we have been told a lot of lies, he is been told a lot of lies, who he, the 03:0123;01[A ]| master, by whom, no one knows, the everlasting third party, he is the one to$9$ 03:0123;01[A ]| blame, for this state of affairs, the master is not to$9$ blame, neither are they, 03:0124;01[A ]| neither am I, least of all I, we were foolish to$9$ accuse one another, the master 03:0124;01[A ]| me, them, himself, they me, the master, themselves, I them, the master, myself, 03:0124;01[A ]| we are all innocent, enough. Innocent of what, no one knows, of wanting to$9$ 03:0124;01[A ]| know, wanting to$9$ be$1$ able, of all this noise about nothing, of this long sin against 03:0124;01[A ]| the silence that enfolds us, we will not ask any more, what it covers, this innocence 03:0124;01[A ]| we have fallen to$5$, it covers everything, all faults, all questions, it puts a end to$4$ 03:0124;01[A ]| questions. Then it will be$1$ over, thanks to$4$ me all will be$1$ over, and they will depart, 03:0124;01[A ]| one by one, or they will drop, they will let themselves drop, where they stand, and 03:0124;01[A ]| never move again, thanks to$4$ me, who could understand nothing, of all they 03:0124;01[A ]| deemed it their duty to$9$ tell me, do nothing, of all they deemed it their duty to$9$ tell 03:0124;01[A ]| me to$9$ do$1$, and upon us all the silence will fall again, and settle, like dust of sand, 03:0124;01[A ]| on the arena, after the massacres. Bewitching prospect if ever there was one, they 03:0124;01[A ]| are beginning to$9$ come round to$4$ my opinion, after all it is possible I have one, they 03:0124;01[A ]| make me say$1$, If only this, if only that, but the idea is theirs, no, the idea is not 03:0124;01[A ]| theirs either. As far as I personally am concerned there is every likelihood of my 03:0124;01[A ]| being incapable of ever desiring or deploring anything whatsoever. For it would 03:0124;01[A ]| seem difficult for someone, if I may so describe myself, to$9$ aspire towards a 03:0124;01[A ]| situation of which, notwithstanding the enthusiastic descriptions lavished on 03:0124;01[A ]| him, he has not the remotest idea, or to$9$ desire with a straight face the cessation of 03:0124;01[A ]| that other, equally unintelligible, assigned to$4$ him in the beginning and never 03:0124;01[A ]| modified. This silence they are always talking about, from which supposedly he 03:0124;01[A ]| came, to$4$ which he will return when his act is over, he does not 03:0125;01[A ]| know what it is, nor what he is meant to$9$ do$1$, in order to$9$ deserve it. That is the 03:0125;01[A ]| bright boy of the class speaking now, he is the one always called to$4$ the rescue 03:0125;01[A ]| when things go badly, he talks all the time of merit and situations, he has saved 03:0125;01[A ]| more than one, of suffering too, he knows how to$9$ stimulate the flagging spirit, 03:0125;01[A ]| stop the rot, with the simple use of this mighty word alone, even if he has to$9$ add, 03:0125;01[A ]| a moment later. But what suffering, since he has always suffered, which rather 03:0125;01[A ]| damps the rejoicings. But he soon makes up for it, he puts all to$4$ rights again, 03:0125;01[A ]| invoking the celebrated notions of quantity, habit-formation, wear and tear, and 03:0125;01[A ]| others too numerous for him to$9$ mention, and which he is thus in a position, in 03:0125;01[A ]| the next belch, to$9$ declare inapplicable to$4$ the case before him, for there is no end to$4$ 03:0125;01[A ]| his wits. But, see above, have they not already bent over me till black and blue in 03:0125;01[A ]| the face, nay, have they ever done anything else, during the past ~~ no, no dates for 03:0125;01[A ]| pity's sake, and another question, what am I doing in Mahood's story, and in 03:0125;01[A ]| Worm's, or rather what are they doing in mine, there are some irons in the fire 03:0125;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ going on with, let them melt. Oh I know, I know, attention please, this may 03:0125;01[A ]| mean something, I know, there is nothing new there, it is all part of the same old 03:0125;01[A ]| irresistible boloney, namely, But my dear man, come, be$1$ reasonable, look, this is 03:0125;01[A ]| you, look at this photograph, and here is your file, no convictions, I assure you, 03:0125;01[A ]| come now, make a effort, at your age, to$9$ have$1$ no identity, it is a scandal, I assure 03:0125;01[A ]| you, look at this photograph, what, you see nothing, true for you, no matter, here, 03:0125;01[A ]| look at this death's-head, you will see, you will be$1$ all right, it will not last long, here, 03:0125;01[A ]| look, here is the record, insults 03:0126;01[A ]| to$4$ policemen, indecent exposure, sins against holy ghost, contempt of court, 03:0126;01[A ]| impertinence to$4$ superiors, impudence to$4$ inferiors, deviations from reason, 03:0126;01[A ]| without battery, look, no battery, it is nothing, you will be$1$ all right, you will see, I beg 03:0126;01[A ]| your pardon, does he work, good God no, out of the question, look, here is the 03:0126;01[A ]| medical report, spasmodic tabes, painless ulcers, I repeat, painless, all is painless, 03:0126;01[A ]| multiple softenings, manifold hardenings, insensitive to$4$ blows, sight failing, 03:0126;01[A ]| chronic gripes, light diet, shit well tolerated, hearing failing, heart irregular, 03:0126;01[A ]| sweet-tempered, smell failing, heavy sleeper, no erections, would you like some 03:0126;01[A ]| more, commission in the territorials, inoperable, untransportable, look, here is 03:0126;01[A ]| the face, no no, the other end, I assure you, it is a bargain, I beg your pardon, does 03:0126;01[A ]| he drink, good God yes, passionately, I beg your pardon, father and mother, both 03:0126;01[A ]| dead, at seven months interval, he at the conception, she at the nativity, I assure 03:0126;01[A ]| you, you will not do$1$ better, at your age, no human shape, the pity of it, look, here is 03:0126;01[A ]| the photograph, you will see, you will be$1$ all right, what does it amount too, after all, a 03:0126;01[A ]| painful moment, on the surface, then peace, underneath, it is the only way, 03:0126;01[A ]| believe me, the only way out, 03:0126;01@@@@@| 03:0126;01[A ]| I beg your pardon, have I nothing else, why 03:0126;01[A ]| certainly, certainly, just a second, curious you should mention it, I was 03:0126;01[A ]| wondering myself, just a second, if you were not rather, just a second, here we 03:0126;01[A ]| are, this one here, but I wanted to$9$ be$1$ sure, what, you do not understand, neither do 03:0126;01[A ]| I, no matter, it is no time for levity, yes, I was right, no doubt about it this time, it is 03:0126;01[A ]| you all over, look, here is the photograph, take a look at that, dying on his feet, 03:0126;01[A ]| you had better hurry, it is a bargain, I assure you, and so on, till I am tempted, no, all 03:0127;01[A ]| lies, they know it well, I never understood, I have not stirred, all I have said, said 03:0127;01[A ]| I have done, said I have been, it is they who said it, I have said nothing, I have not stirred, 03:0127;01[A ]| they do not understand, I can not stir, they think I do not want to$9$, that their 03:0127;01[A ]| conditions do not suit me, that they will hit on others, in the end, to$4$ my liking, then 03:0127;01[A ]| I will stir, I will be$1$ in the bag, that is how I see it, I see nothing, they do not understand, I 03:0127;01[A ]| can not go to$4$ them, they will have$1$ to$9$ come and get me, if they want me, Mahood 03:0127;01[A ]| will not get me out, nor Worm either, they set great store on Worm, to$9$ coax me 03:0127;01[A ]| out, he was something new, different from all the others, meant to$9$ be$1$, perhaps 03:0127;01[A ]| he was, to$4$ me they are all the same, they do not understand, I can not stir, I am all right 03:0127;01[A ]| here, I would be$1$ all right here, if they would leave me, let them come and get me, if they 03:0127;01[A ]| want me, they will find nothing, then they can depart, with a easy mind. And if 03:0127;01[A ]| there is only one, like me, he can depart without fear of remorse, having done all 03:0127;01[A ]| he could, and even more, to$9$ achieve the impossible and so lost his life, or stay 03:0127;01[A ]| with me here, he might do$1$ that, and be$1$ a like for me, that would be$1$ lovely, my 03:0127;01[A ]| first like, that would be$1$ epoch-making, to$9$ know I had a like, a congener, he 03:0127;01[A ]| would not have$1$ to$9$ be$1$ like me, he could not but be$1$ like me, he need only relax, he 03:0127;01[A ]| might believe what he pleased, at the outset, that he was in hell, or that the 03:0127;01[A ]| place was charming, he might even exclaim, I will never stir again, being used to$4$ 03:0127;01[A ]| announcing his decisions, at the top of his voice, so as to$9$ get to know them better, 03:0127;01[A ]| he might even add, to$9$ cover all risks, For the moment, it would be$1$ his last 03:0127;01[A ]| howler, he need only relax, he would disappear, he would know nothing either, there we would 03:0127;01[A ]| be$1$ the two of us, unbeknown 03:0128;01[A ]| to$4$ ourselves, unbeknown to$4$ each other, that is a darling dream I have been 03:0128;01[A ]| having, a broth of a dream. And it is not over. For here comes another, to$9$ see 03:0128;01[A ]| what has happened to$4$ his pal, and get him out, and back to$4$ his right mind, and 03:0128;01[A ]| back to$4$ his kin, with a flow of threats and promises, and tales like this of wombs 03:0128;01[A ]| and cribs, diapers bepissed and the first long trousers, love's young dream and 03:0128;01[A ]| life's old lech, blood and tears and skin and bones and the tossing in the grave, 03:0128;01[A ]| and so coax him out, as he me, that is right, pidgin bullskrit, and in the end, 03:0128;01[A ]| having lived his life, no, before, but you have got my meaning, and there we are the 03:0128;01[A ]| three of us, it is cosier, perpetual dream, you have merely to$9$ sleep, not even that, 03:0128;01[A ]| it is like the old jingle, A dog crawled into the kitchen and stole a crust of bread, 03:0128;01[A ]| then cook up with I have forgotten what and walloped him till he was dead, second 03:0128;01[A ]| verse, Then all the dogs came crawling and dug the dog a tomb and wrote upon 03:0128;01[A ]| the tombstone for dogs and bitches to$9$ come, third verse, as the first, fourth, as the 03:0128;01[A ]| second, fifth, as the third, give us time, give us time and we will be$1$ a multitude, a 03:0128;01[A ]| thousand, ten thousand, there is no lack of room, adeste, adeste, all ye living 03:0128;01[A ]| bastards, you will be$1$ all right, you will see, you will never be$1$ born again, what am I 03:0128;01[A ]| saying, you will never have$1$ been born, and bring your brats, our hell will be$1$ heaven 03:0128;01[A ]| to$4$ them, after what you have done to$4$ them. But come to$9$ think of it are we not 03:0128;01[A ]| already a goodly company, what right have I to$9$ flatter myself I am the first, first in 03:0128;01[A ]| time I mean of course, there we have a few more questions, please God they do not 03:0128;01[A ]| take the fancy to$9$ answer them. What can they be$1$ hatching anyhow, at this 03:0128;01[A ]| eleventh 03:0129;01[A ]| hour? Can it be$1$ they are resolved at last to$9$ seize me by the horns? Looks like it. 03:0129;01[A ]| In that case tableau any minute. Oyez, oyez, I was like them, before being like me, 03:0129;01[A ]| oh the swine, that is one I will not get over in a hurry, no matter, no matter, the 03:0129;01[A ]| charge is sounded, present arms, corpse, to$4$ your guns, spermatozoon. I too, weary 03:0129;01[A ]| of pleading a incomprehensible cause, at six and eight the thousand flowers of 03:0129;01[A ]| rhetoric, let myself drop among the contumacious, nice image that, telescoping 03:0129;01[A ]| space, it must be$1$ the Pulitzer Prize, they want to$9$ bore me to$4$ sleep, at long range, 03:0129;01[A ]| for fear I might defend myself, they want to$9$ catch me alive, so as to$9$ be$1$ able to$9$ kill 03:0129;01[A ]| me, thus I shall have$1$ lived, they think I am alive, what a business, were there but 03:0129;01[A ]| a cadaver it would smack of body-snatching, not in a womb either, the slut has yet 03:0129;01[A ]| to$9$ menstruate capable of whelping me, that should singularly narrow the field of 03:0129;01[A ]| research, a sperm dying, of cold, in the sheets, feebly wagging its little tail, perhaps 03:0129;01[A ]| I am a drying sperm, in the sheets of a innocent boy, even that takes time, no 03:0129;01[A ]| stone must be$1$ left unturned, one must not be$1$ afraid of making a howler, how can 03:0129;01[A ]| one know it is one before it is made, and one it most certainly is, now that it is 03:0129;01[A ]| irrevocable, for the good reason, here is another, here comes another, unless it 03:0129;01[A ]| escapes them in time, what a hope, the bright boy is there, for the excellent reason 03:0129;01[A ]| that counts as living too, counts as murder, it is notorious, ah you can not deny it, 03:0129;01[A ]| some people are lucky, born of a wet dream and dead before morning, I must say$1$ 03:0129;01[A ]| I am tempted, no, the testis has yet to$9$ descend that would want any truck with me, 03:0129;01[A ]| it is mutual, another gleam down the drain. And now 03:0130;01[A ]| one last look at Mahood, at Worm, we will never have$1$ another chance, ah will 03:0130;01[A ]| they never learn sense, there is nothing to$9$ be$1$ got, there was never anything to$9$ be$1$ 03:0130;01[A ]| got from those stories, I have mine, somewhere, let them tell it to$4$ me, they will see 03:0130;01[A ]| there is nothing to$9$ be$1$ got from it either, nothing to$9$ be$1$ got from me, it will be$1$ the 03:0130;01[A ]| end, of this hell of stories, you would think I was cursing them, always the same old 03:0130;01[A ]| trick, you would be$1$ sorry for them, perhaps I will curse them yet, they will know what it is 03:0130;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ a subject of conversation, I will impute words to$4$ them you would not throw to$4$ 03:0130;01[A ]| a dog, a ear, a mouth and in the middle a few rags of mind, I will get my own back, 03:0130;01[A ]| a few flitters of mind, they will see what it is like, I will clap a eye at random in the 03:0130;01[A ]| thick of the mess, on the off chance something might stray in front of it, then I will 03:0130;01[A ]| let down my trousers and shit stories on them, stories, photographs, records, sites, 03:0130;01[A ]| lights, gods and fellow creatures, the daily round and common task, observing 03:0130;01[A ]| the while, Be born, dear friends, be born$8$, enter my arse, you will just love my colic 03:0130;01[A ]| pains, it will not take long, I have the bloody flux. They will see what it is like, that it is 03:0130;01[A ]| not so easy as it looks, that you must have$1$ a taste for it, that you must be$1$ born 03:0130;01[A ]| alive, that it is not something you can acquire, that will teach them perhaps, to$9$ 03:0130;01[A ]| keep their nose out of my business. Yes, if I could, but I can not, whatever it is, I 03:0130;01[A ]| can not any more, there was perhaps a time I could, in the days when I was bursting 03:0130;01[A ]| my guts, as per instructions, to$9$ bring back to$4$ the fold the dear lost lamb, I had been 03:0130;01[A ]| told he was dear, that he was dear to$4$ me, that I was dear to$4$ him, that we were dear 03:0130;01[A ]| to$4$ each other, all my life I have pelted him with twaddle, the dear departed, 03:0130;01[A ]| wondering what he could possibly be$1$ 03:0131;01[A ]| like, wondering where we could possibly have$1$ met, all my life, well, almost, 03:0131;01[A ]| damn the almost, all my life, until I joined him, and now it is I am dear to$4$ them, 03:0131;01[A ]| now it is they are dear to$4$ me, glad to$9$ hear it, they will join us, one by one, what a pity 03:0131;01[A ]| they are numberless, so are we, dear charnel-house of renegades, this evening 03:0131;01[A ]| decidedly everything is dear, no matter, the ancients hear nothing, and my old 03:0131;01[A ]| quarry, there beside me, for him it is all over, beside me how are you, underneath 03:0131;01[A ]| me, we are piled up in heaps, no, that will not work either, no matter it is a detail, for 03:0131;01[A ]| him it is all over, him the second-last, and for me too, me the last, it will soon be$1$ 03:0131;01[A ]| all over, I will hear nothing more, I have nothing to$9$ do$1$, simply wait, it is a slow 03:0131;01[A ]| business, he will come and lie on top of me, lie beside me, my dear tormentor, his 03:0131;01[A ]| turn to$9$ suffer what he made me suffer, mine to$9$ be$1$ at peace. How all comes right 03:0131;01[A ]| in the end to$9$ be$1$ sure, it is thanks to$4$ patience, thanks to$4$ time, it is thanks to$4$ the 03:0131;01[A ]| earth that revolves that the earth revolves no more, that time ends its meal and 03:0131;01[A ]| pain comes to$4$ a end, you have only to$9$ wait, without doing anything, it is no 03:0131;01[A ]| good doing anything, and without understanding, there is no help in 03:0131;01[A ]| understanding, and all comes right, nothing comes right, nothing, nothing, this 03:0131;01[A ]| will never end, this voice will never stop, I am alone here, the first and the last, I 03:0131;01[A ]| never made anyone suffer, I never stopped anyone's sufferings, no one will ever 03:0131;01[A ]| stop mine, they will never depart, I will never stir, I will never know peace, neither will 03:0131;01[A ]| they, but with this difference, that they do not want it, they say they do not want it, 03:0131;01[A ]| they say I do not want it either, do not want peace, after all perhaps they are right, 03:0131;01[A ]| how could I want it, what is it, they say I suffer, perhaps they are 03:0132;01[A ]| right, and that I would feel better if I did this, said that, if my body stirred, if my head 03:0132;01[A ]| understood, if they went silent and departed, perhaps they are right, how would I 03:0132;01[A ]| know about these things, how would I understand what they are talking about, I will 03:0132;01[A ]| never stir, never speak, they will never go silent, never depart, they will never catch 03:0132;01[A ]| me, never stop trying, that is that, I am listening. Well I prefer that, I must say$1$ I 03:0132;01[A ]| prefer that, that what, oh you know, who you, oh I suppose the audience, well 03:0132;01[A ]| well, so there is a audience, it is a public show, you buy your seat and you wait, 03:0132;01[A ]| perhaps it is free, a free show, you take your seat and you wait for it to$9$ begin, or 03:0132;01[A ]| perhaps it is compulsory, a compulsory show, you wait for the compulsory show 03:0132;01[A ]| to$9$ begin, it takes time, you hear a voice, perhaps it is a recitation, that is the show, 03:0132;01[A ]| someone reciting, selected passages, old favourites, a poetry matinee, or someone 03:0132;01[A ]| improvising, you can barely hear him, that is the show, you can not leave, you are 03:0132;01[A ]| afraid to$9$ leave, it might be$1$ worse elsewhere, you make the best of it, you try and 03:0132;01[A ]| be$1$ reasonable, you came too early, here we would need latin, it is only beginning, it 03:0132;01[A ]| has not begun, he is only preluding, clearing his throat, alone in his dressing-room, 03:0132;01[A ]| he will appear any moment, he will begin any moment, 03:0132;01@@@@@| 03:0132;01[A ]| or it is the stage-manager, 03:0132;01[A ]| giving his instructions, his last recommendations, before the curtain rises, that is 03:0132;01[A ]| the show, waiting for the show, to$4$ the sound of a murmur, you try and be$1$ 03:0132;01[A ]| reasonable, perhaps it is not a voice at all, perhaps it is the air, ascending, 03:0132;01[A ]| descending, flowing, eddying, seeking exit, finding none, and the spectators, 03:0132;01[A ]| where are they, you did not notice, in the anguish of waiting, never noticed you 03:0132;01[A ]| were waiting alone, that is the show, waiting alone, in the restless air, 03:0133;01[A ]| for it to$9$ begin, for something to$9$ begin, for there to$9$ be$1$ something else but you, for 03:0133;01[A ]| the power to$9$ rise, the courage to$9$ leave, you try and be$1$ reasonable, perhaps you are 03:0133;01[A ]| blind, probably deaf, the show is over, all is over, but where then is the hand, the 03:0133;01[A ]| helping hand, or merely charitable, or the hired hand, it is a long time coming, to$9$ 03:0133;01[A ]| take yours and draw you away, that is the show, free, gratis and for nothing, 03:0133;01[A ]| waiting alone, blind, deaf, you do not know where, you do not know for what, for a 03:0133;01[A ]| hand to$9$ come and draw you away, somewhere else, where perhaps it is worse. 03:0133;01[A ]| And now for the it, I prefer that, I must say$1$ I prefer that, what a memory, real 03:0133;01[A ]| fly-paper, I do not know, I do not prefer it any more, that is all I know, so why bother 03:0133;01[A ]| about it, a thing you do not prefer, just think of that, bothering about that, perish 03:0133;01[A ]| the thought, one must wait, discover a preference, within one's bosom, then it 03:0133;01[A ]| will be$1$ time enough to$9$ institute a inquiry. Moreover, that is right, link, link, you 03:0133;01[A ]| never know, moreover their attitude towards me has not changed, I am deceived, 03:0133;01[A ]| they are deceived, they have tried to$9$ deceive me, saying their attitude towards me 03:0133;01[A ]| had changed, but they have not deceived me, I did not understand what they were 03:0133;01[A ]| trying to$9$ do$1$ to$4$ me, I say what I am told to$9$ say$1$, that is all there is to$4$ it, and yet I 03:0133;01[A ]| wonder, I do not know, I do not feel a mouth on me, I do not feel the jostle of words 03:0133;01[A ]| in my mouth, and when you say a poem you like, if you happen to$9$ like poetry, in 03:0133;01[A ]| the underground, or in bed, for yourself, the words are there, somewhere, 03:0133;01[A ]| without the least sound, I do not feel that either, words falling, you do not know 03:0133;01[A ]| where, you do not know whence, drops of silence through the silence, I do not feel 03:0133;01[A ]| it, I do not feel 03:0134;01[A ]| a mouth on me, nor a head, do I feel a ear, frankly now, do I feel a ear, well 03:0134;01[A ]| frankly now I do not, so much the worse, I do not feel a ear either, this is awful, 03:0134;01[A ]| make a effort, I must feel something, yes, I feel something, they say I feel 03:0134;01[A ]| something, I do not know what it is, I do not know what I feel, tell me what I feel 03:0134;01[A ]| and I will tell you who I am, they will tell me who I am, I will not understand, but the 03:0134;01[A ]| thing will be$1$ said, they will have$1$ said who I am, and I will have$1$ heard, without a ear 03:0134;01[A ]| I will have$1$ heard, and I will have$1$ said it, without a mouth I will have$1$ said it, I will have$1$ 03:0134;01[A ]| said it inside me, then in the same breath outside me, perhaps that is what I feel, 03:0134;01[A ]| a outside and a inside and me in the middle, perhaps that is what I am, the 03:0134;01[A ]| thing that divides the world in two, on the one side the outside, on the other the 03:0134;01[A ]| inside, that can be$1$ as thin as foil, I am neither one side nor the other, I am in the 03:0134;01[A ]| middle, I am the partition, I have two surfaces and no thickness, perhaps that is what 03:0134;01[A ]| I feel, myself vibrating, I am the tympanum, on the one hand the mind, on the 03:0134;01[A ]| other the world, I do not belong to$4$ either, it is not to$4$ me they are talking, it is not of 03:0134;01[A ]| me they are talking, no, that is not it, I feel nothing of all that, try something else, 03:0134;01[A ]| herd of shites, say something else, for me to$9$ hear, I do not know how, for me to$9$ 03:0134;01[A ]| say$1$, I do not know how, what clowns they are, to$9$ keep on saying the same thing 03:0134;01[A ]| when they know it is not the right one, no, they know nothing either, they forget, 03:0134;01[A ]| they think they change and they never change, they will be$1$ there saying the same 03:0134;01[A ]| thing till they die, then perhaps a little silence, till the next gang arrives on the 03:0134;01[A ]| site, I alone am immortal, what can you expect, I can not get born, perhaps that is 03:0134;01[A ]| their 03:0135;01[A ]| big idea, to$9$ keep on saying the same old thing, generation after generation, till I 03:0135;01[A ]| go mad and begin to$9$ scream, then they will say$1$, He is mewled, he will rattle, it is 03:0135;01[A ]| mathematical, let us get out to$4$ hell out of here, no point in waiting for that, others 03:0135;01[A ]| need us, for him it is over, his troubles will be$1$ over, he is saved, we have saved him, 03:0135;01[A ]| they are all the same, they all let themselves be$1$ saved, they all let themselves be$1$ 03:0135;01[A ]| born, he was a tough nut, he will have$1$ a good time, a brilliant career, in fury and 03:0135;01[A ]| remorse, he will never forgive himself, and so depart, thus communing, in Indian 03:0135;01[A ]| file, or two by two, along the seashore, now it is the seashore, on the shingle, 03:0135;01[A ]| along the sands, in the evening air, it is evening, that is all I know, evening, 03:0135;01[A ]| shadows, somewhere, anywhere, on the earth. Go mad, yes, but there it is, what 03:0135;01[A ]| would I go mad with, and evening is not sure either, it need not be$1$ evening, dawn 03:0135;01[A ]| too bestows long shadows, on all that is still standing, that is all that matters, only 03:0135;01[A ]| the shadows matter, with no life of their own, no shape and no respite, perhaps 03:0135;01[A ]| it is dawn, evening of night, it does not matter, and so depart, towards my brethren, 03:0135;01[A ]| no, none of that, no brethren, that is right, take it back, they do not know, they 03:0135;01[A ]| depart, not knowing whither, towards their master, it is possible, make a note of 03:0135;01[A ]| that, it is just possible, to$9$ sue for their freedom, for them it is the end, for me the 03:0135;01[A ]| beginning, my end begins, they stop to$9$ listen to$4$ my screams, they will never stop 03:0135;01[A ]| again, yes, they will stop, my screams will stop, from time to$4$ time, I will stop 03:0135;01[A ]| screaming, to$9$ listen and hear if anyone is answering, to$9$ look and see if anyone is 03:0135;01[A ]| coming, then go, close my eyes and go, screaming, to$9$ scream elsewhere. Yes, my 03:0136;01[A ]| mouth, but there it is, I will not open it, I have no mouth, and what about it, I will 03:0136;01[A ]| grow one, a little hole at first, then wider and wider, deeper and deeper, the air 03:0136;01[A ]| will gush into me, and out a second later, howling. But is it not rather too much 03:0136;01[A ]| to$9$ ask, to$9$ ask so much, of so little, is it really politic? And would it not suffice, 03:0136;01[A ]| without any change in the structure of the thing as it now stands, as it always 03:0136;01[A ]| stood, without a mouth being opened at the place which even pain could never 03:0136;01[A ]| line, would it not suffice to$9$, to$4$ what, the thread is lost, no matter, here is another, 03:0136;01[A ]| would not a little stir suffice, some tiny subsidence or upheaval, that would start 03:0136;01[A ]| things off, the whole fabric would be$1$ infected, the ball would start a-rolling, the 03:0136;01[A ]| disturbance would spread to$4$ every part, locomotion itself would soon appear, 03:0136;01[A ]| trips properly so called, business trips, pleasure trips, research expeditions, 03:0136;01[A ]| sabbatical leaves, jaunts and rambles, honeymoons at home and abroad and long 03:0136;01[A ]| sad solitary tramps in the rain, I indicate the main trends, athletics, tossing in bed, 03:0136;01[A ]| physical jerks, locomotor ataxy, death throes, rigor and rigor mortis, emergal of 03:0136;01[A ]| the bony structure, that should suffice. Unfortunately it is a question of words, of 03:0136;01[A ]| voices, one must not forget that, one must try and not forget that completely, of a 03:0136;01[A ]| statement to$9$ be$1$ made, by them, by me, some slight obscurity here, it might 03:0136;01[A ]| sometimes almost be$1$ wondered if all their ballocks about life and death is not as 03:0136;01[A ]| foreign to$4$ their nature as it is to$4$ mine. The fact is they no longer know where 03:0136;01[A ]| they have got to$4$ in their affair, where they have got me to$4$, I never knew, I am where I 03:0136;01[A ]| always was, wherever that is, and their affair, I do not know what is meant by that, 03:0136;01[A ]| some process no doubt, that I have got stuck in, or 03:0137;01[A ]| have not yet come to$4$, I have got nowhere, in their affair, that is what galls them, 03:0137;01[A ]| they want me there somewhere, anywhere, if only they would stop committing 03:0137;01[A ]| reason, on them, on me, on the purpose to$9$ be$1$ achieved, and simply go on, with 03:0137;01[A ]| no illusion about having begun one day or ever being able to$9$ conclude, but it is 03:0137;01[A ]| too difficult, too difficult, for one bereft of purpose, not to$9$ look forward to$4$ his end, 03:0137;01[A ]| and bereft of all reason to$9$ exist, back to$4$ a time he did not. Difficult too not to$9$ 03:0137;01[A ]| forget, in your thirst for something to$9$ do$1$, in order to$9$ be$1$ done with it, and have$1$ 03:0137;01[A ]| that much less to$9$ do$1$, that there is nothing to$9$ be$1$ done, nothing special to$9$ be$1$ done, 03:0137;01[A ]| nothing doable to$9$ be$1$ done. No point either, in your thirst, your hunger, no, no 03:0137;01[A ]| need of hunger, thirst is enough, no point in telling yourself stories, to$9$ pass the 03:0137;01[A ]| time, stories do not pass the time, nothing passes the time, that does not matter, 03:0137;01[A ]| that is how it is, you tell yourself stories, then any old thing, saying, No more 03:0137;01[A ]| stories from this day forth, and the stories go on, it is stories still, or it was never 03:0137;01[A ]| stories, always any old thing, for as long as you can remember, no, longer than 03:0137;01[A ]| that, any old thing, the same old thing, to$9$ pass the time, then, as time did not pass, 03:0137;01[A ]| for no reason at all, in your thirst, trying to$9$ cease and never ceasing, seeking the 03:0137;01[A ]| cause, the cause of talking and never ceasing, finding the cause, losing it again, 03:0137;01[A ]| finding it again, not finding it again, seeking no longer, seeking again, finding 03:0137;01[A ]| again, losing again, finding nothing, finding at last, losing again, talking without 03:0137;01[A ]| ceasing, thirstier than ever, seeking as usual, losing as usual, blathering away, 03:0137;01[A ]| wondering what it is all about, seeking what it can be$1$ you are seeking, exclaiming, 03:0137;01[A ]| Ah yes, sighing, No no, crying, Enough,, ejaculating, Not 03:0138;01[A ]| yet, talking incessantly, any old thing, seeking once more, any old thing, 03:0138;01[A ]| thirsting away, you do not know what for, ah yes, something to$9$ do$1$, no no, nothing 03:0138;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ done, and now enough of that, unless perhaps, that is a idea, let us seek over 03:0138;01[A ]| there, one last little effort, seek what, pertinent objection, let us try and 03:0138;01[A ]| determine, before we seek, what it can be$1$, before we seek over there, over where, 03:0138;01[A ]| talking unceasingly, seeking incessantly, in yourself, outside yourself, cursing 03:0138;01[A ]| man, cursing God, stopping cursing, past bearing it, going on bearing it, seeking 03:0138;01[A ]| indefatigably, in the world of nature, the world of man, where is nature, where is 03:0138;01[A ]| man, where are you, what are you seeking, who is seeking, seeking who you are, 03:0138;01[A ]| supreme aberration, where you are, what you are doing, what you have done to$4$ 03:0138;01[A ]| them, what they have done to$4$ you, prattling along, where are the others, who is 03:0138;01[A ]| talking, not I, where am I, where is the place where I have always been, where are 03:0138;01[A ]| the others, it is they are talking, talking to$4$ me, talking of me, I hear them, I am 03:0138;01[A ]| mute, what do they want, what have I done to$4$ them, what have I done to$4$ God, 03:0138;01[A ]| what have they done to$4$ God, what has God done to$4$ us, nothing, and we have done 03:0138;01[A ]| nothing to$4$ him, you can not do$1$ anything to$4$ him, he can not do$1$ anything to$4$ us, we are 03:0138;01[A ]| innocent, he is innocent, it is nobody's fault, what is nobody's fault, this state of 03:0138;01[A ]| affairs, what state of affairs, so it is, so be$1$ it, do not fret, so it will be$1$, how so, rattling 03:0138;01[A ]| on, dying of thirst, seeking determinedly, what they want, they want me to$9$ be$1$, 03:0138;01[A ]| this, that, to$9$ howl, stir, crawl out of here, be$1$ born, die, listen, I am listening, it is not 03:0138;01[A ]| enough, 03:0138;01@@@@@| 03:0138;01[A ]| I must understand, I am doing my best, I can not under,stand, I stop doing 03:0138;01[A ]| my best, I can not do$1$ my best, I can not go on, poor devil, 03:0139;01[A ]| neither can they, let them say$1$ what they want, give me something to$9$ do$1$, 03:0139;01[A ]| something doable to$9$ do$1$, poor devils, they can not, they do not know, they are like me, 03:0139;01[A ]| more and more, no more need of them, no more need of anyone, no one can do$1$ 03:0139;01[A ]| anything, it is I am talking, thirsting, starving, let it stand, in the ice and in the 03:0139;01[A ]| furnace, you feel nothing, strange, you do not feel a mouth on you, you do not feel 03:0139;01[A ]| your mouth any more, no need of a mouth, the words are everywhere, inside 03:0139;01[A ]| me, outside me, well well, a minute ago I had no thickness, I hear them, no need 03:0139;01[A ]| to$9$ hear them, no need of a head, impossible to$9$ stop them, impossible to$9$ stop, I am 03:0139;01[A ]| in words, made of words, others' words, what others, the place too, the air, the 03:0139;01[A ]| walls, the floor, the ceiling, all words, the whole world is here with me, I am the 03:0139;01[A ]| air, the walls, the walled-in one, everything yields, opens, ebbs, flows, like flakes, 03:0139;01[A ]| I am all these flakes, meeting, mingling, falling asunder, wherever I go I find me, 03:0139;01[A ]| leave me, go towards me, come from me, nothing ever but me, a particle of me, 03:0139;01[A ]| retrieved, lost, gone astray, I am all these words, all these strangers, this dust of 03:0139;01[A ]| words, with no ground for their settling, no sky for their dispersing, coming 03:0139;01[A ]| together to$9$ say$1$, fleeing one another to$9$ say$1$, that I am they, all of them, those that 03:0139;01[A ]| merge, those that part, those that never meet, and nothing else, yes, something 03:0139;01[A ]| else, that I am something quite different, a quite different thing, a wordless thing 03:0139;01[A ]| in a empty place, a hard shut dry cold black place, where nothing stirs, nothing 03:0139;01[A ]| speaks, and that I listen, and that I seek, like a caged beast born of caged beasts 03:0139;01[A ]| born of caged beasts born of caged beasts born in a cage and dead in a cage, born 03:0139;01[A ]| and then dead, born in a cage and then dead in a cage, in a word like 03:0140;01[A ]| a beast, in one of their words, like such a beast, and that I seek, like such a beast, 03:0140;01[A ]| with my little strength, such a beast, with nothing of its species left but fear and 03:0140;01[A ]| fury, no, the fury is past, nothing but fear, nothing of all its due. but fear 03:0140;01[A ]| centupled, fear of its shadow, no, blind from birth, of sound then, if you like, 03:0140;01[A ]| we will have$1$ that, one must have$1$ something, it is a pity, but there it is, fear of 03:0140;01[A ]| sound, fear of sounds, the sounds of beasts, the sounds of men, sounds in the 03:0140;01[A ]| daytime and sounds at night, that is enough, fear of sounds, all sounds, more or 03:0140;01[A ]| less, more or less fear, all sounds, there is only one, continuous, day and night, 03:0140;01[A ]| what is it, it is steps coming and going, it is voices speaking for a moment, it is 03:0140;01[A ]| bodies groping their way, it is the air, it is things, it is the air among the things, 03:0140;01[A ]| that is enough, that I seek, like it, no, not like it, like me, in my own way, what am 03:0140;01[A ]| I saying, after my fashion, that I seek, what do I seek now, what it is, it must be$1$ 03:0140;01[A ]| that, it can only be$1$ that, what it is, what it can be$1$, what what can be$1$, what I seek, 03:0140;01[A ]| no, what I hear, now it comes back to$4$ me, all back to$4$ me, they say I seek what it is I 03:0140;01[A ]| hear, I hear them, now it comes back to$4$ me, what it can possibly be$1$, and where it 03:0140;01[A ]| can possibly come from, since all is silent here, and the walls thick, and how I 03:0140;01[A ]| manage, without feeling a ear on me, or a head, or a body, or a soul, how I 03:0140;01[A ]| manage, to$9$ do$1$ what, how I manage, it is not clear, dear dear, you say it is not clear, 03:0140;01[A ]| something is wanting to$9$ make it clear, I will seek, what is wanting, to$9$ make 03:0140;01[A ]| everything clear, I am always seeking something, it is tiring in the end, and it is 03:0140;01[A ]| only the beginning, how I manage, under such conditions, to$9$ do$1$ what I am doing, 03:0140;01[A ]| what am I doing, I must find out what I am doing, tell me what you are doing and 03:0141;01[A ]| I will ask you how it is possible, I hear, you say I hear, and that I seek, it is a lie, I 03:0141;01[A ]| seek nothing, nothing any more, no matter, let us leave it, no harking, and that I 03:0141;01[A ]| seek, listen to$4$ them now, jogging my memory, seek what, firstly what it is, 03:0141;01[A ]| secondly where it comes from, thirdly how I manage, that is it, now we have got it, 03:0141;01[A ]| thirdly how I manage, to$9$ do$1$ it, seeing that this, considering that that, inasmuch as 03:0141;01[A ]| God knows what, that is clear now, how I manage to$9$ hear, and how I manage to$9$ 03:0141;01[A ]| understand, it is a lie, what would I understand with, that is what I am asking, how 03:0141;01[A ]| I manage to$9$ understand, oh not the half, nor the hundredth, nor the five 03:0141;01[A ]| thousandth, let us go on dividing by fifty, nor the quarter millionth, that is 03:0141;01[A ]| enough, but a little nevertheless, it is essential, it is preferable, it is a pity, but there 03:0141;01[A ]| it is, just a little all the same, the least possible, it is appreciable, it is enough, the 03:0141;01[A ]| rough meaning of one expression in a thousand, in ten thousand, let us go on 03:0141;01[A ]| multiplying by ten, nothing more restful than arithmetic, in a hundred 03:0141;01[A ]| thousand, in a million, it is too much, too little, we have gone wrong somewhere, 03:0141;01[A ]| no matter, there is no great difference here between one expression and the next, 03:0141;01[A ]| when you have grasped one you have grasped them all, I am not in that fortunate 03:0141;01[A ]| position, all, how you exaggerate, always out for the whole hog, the all of all and 03:0141;01[A ]| the all of nothing, never in the happy golden, never, always, it is too much, too 03:0141;01[A ]| little, often, seldom, let me now sum up, after this digression, there is I, yes, I feel 03:0141;01[A ]| it, I confess, I give in, there is I, it is essential, it is preferable, I would not have$1$ said 03:0141;01[A ]| so, I will not always say$1$ so, so let me hasten to$9$ take advantage of being now obliged 03:0141;01[A ]| to$9$ say$1$, in a manner of speaking, that there is I, on the one hand, and this 03:0142;01[A ]| noise on the other, that I never doubted, no, let us be$1$ logical, there was never 03:0142;01[A ]| any doubt about that, this noise, on the other, if it is the other, that will very 03:0142;01[A ]| likely be$1$ the theme of our next deliberation, I sum up, now that I am there it is I 03:0142;01[A ]| will do$1$ the summing up, it is I will say$1$ what is to$9$ be$1$ said and then say what it was, 03:0142;01[A ]| that will be$1$ jolly, I sum up, I and this noise, I see nothing else for the moment, 03:0142;01[A ]| but I have only just taken over my functions, I and this noise, and what about it, 03:0142;01[A ]| do not interrupt me, I am doing my best, I repeat, I and this noise, on the subject of 03:0142;01[A ]| which, inverting the natural order, we would seem to$9$ know for certain, among 03:0142;01[A ]| other things, what follows, namely, on the one hand, with regard to$4$ the noise, 03:0142;01[A ]| that it has not been possible up to$4$ date to$9$ determine with certainty, or even 03:0142;01[A ]| approximately, what it is, in the way of noise, or how it comes to$4$ me, or by what 03:0142;01[A ]| organ it is emitted, or by what perceived, or by what intelligence apprehended, in 03:0142;01[A ]| its main drift, and on the other, that is to$9$ say$1$ with regard to$4$ me, this is going to$9$ 03:0142;01[A ]| take a little longer, with regard to$4$ me, nice time we are going to$9$ have$1$ now, with 03:0142;01[A ]| regard to$4$ me, that it has not yet been our good fortune to$9$ establish with any 03:0142;01[A ]| degree of accuracy what I am, where I am, whether I am words among words, or 03:0142;01[A ]| silence in the midst of silence, to$9$ recall only two of the hypotheses launched in 03:0142;01[A ]| this connexion, though silence to$9$ tell the truth does not appear to$9$ have$1$ been very 03:0142;01[A ]| conspicuous up to$4$ now, but appearances may sometimes be$1$ deceptive, I resume, 03:0142;01[A ]| not yet our good fortune to$9$ establish, among other things, what I am, no, sorry, 03:0142;01[A ]| already mentioned, what I am doing, how I manage, to$9$ hear, if I hear, if it is I who 03:0142;01[A ]| hear, and who can doubt it, I do not know, doubt 03:0143;01[A ]| is present, in this connexion, somewhere or other, I resume, how I manage to$9$ 03:0143;01[A ]| hear, if it is I who hear, and how to$9$ understand, ellipse when possible, it saves 03:0143;01[A ]| time, how to$9$ understand, same observation, and how it happens, if it is I who 03:0143;01[A ]| speak, and it may be$1$ assumed it is, as it may be$1$ suspected it is not, how it happens, 03:0143;01[A ]| if it is I who speak, that I speak without ceasing, that I long to$9$ cease, that I can not 03:0143;01[A ]| cease, I indicate the principal divisions, it is more synoptic, I resume, not the good 03:0143;01[A ]| fortune to$9$ establish, with regard to$4$ me, if it is I who seek, what exactly it is I seek, 03:0143;01[A ]| find, lose, find again, throw away, seek again, find again, throw away again, no, I 03:0143;01[A ]| never threw anything away, never threw anything away of all the things I found, 03:0143;01[A ]| never found anything that I did not lose, never lost anything that I might not as 03:0143;01[A ]| well have$1$ thrown away, if it is I who seek, find, lose, find again, lose again, seek in 03:0143;01[A ]| vain, seek no more, if it is I what it is, and if it is not I who it is, and what it is, I see 03:0143;01[A ]| nothing else for the moment, yes I do, I conclude, not the good fortune to$9$ 03:0143;01[A ]| establish, considering the futility of my telling myself even any old thing, to$9$ pass 03:0143;01[A ]| the time, why I do it, if it is I who do it, as if reasons were required for doing any 03:0143;01[A ]| old thing, to$9$ pass the time, no matter, the question may be$1$ asked, off the record, 03:0143;01[A ]| why time does not pass, does not pass from you, why it piles up all about you, 03:0143;01[A ]| instant on instant, on all sides, deeper and deeper, thicker and thicker, your time, 03:0143;01[A ]| others' time, the time of the ancient dead and the dead yet unborn, why it buries 03:0143;01[A ]| you grain by grain neither dead nor alive, with no memory of anything, no hope 03:0143;01[A ]| of anything, no knowledge of anything, no history and no prospects, buried 03:0143;01[A ]| under the seconds saying any old 03:0144;01[A ]| thing, your mouth full of sand, oh I know it is immaterial, time is one thing, I 03:0144;01[A ]| another, but the question may be$1$ asked, why time does not pass, just like that, off 03:0144;01[A ]| the record, en passant, to$9$ pass the time, I think that is all, for the moment, I see 03:0144;01[A ]| nothing else, I see nothing whatever, for the time being. But I really must not ask 03:0144;01[A ]| myself any more questions, if it is I, I really must not. More resolutions, while 03:0144;01[A ]| we are at it, that is right, resolutely, more resolutions. Make abundant use of the 03:0144;01[A ]| principle of parsimony, as if it were familiar to$4$ me, it is not too late. Assume 03:0144;01[A ]| notably henceforward that the thing said and the-thing heard have a common 03:0144;01[A ]| source, resisting for this purpose the temptation to$9$ call in question the possibility 03:0144;01[A ]| of assuming anything whatever. Situate this source in me, without specifying 03:0144;01[A ]| where exactly, no finicking, anything is preferable to$4$ the consciousness of third 03:0144;01[A ]| parties and, more generally speaking, of a outer world. Carry if necessary this 03:0144;01[A ]| process of compression to$4$ the point of abandoning all other postulates than that 03:0144;01[A ]| of a deaf half-wit, hearing nothing of what he says and understanding even less. 03:0144;01[A ]| Evoke at painful junctures, when discouragement threatens to$9$ raise its head, the 03:0144;01[A ]| image of a vast cretinous mouth, red, blubber and slobbering, in solitary 03:0144;01[A ]| confinement, extruding indefatigably, with a noise of wet kisses and washing in a 03:0144;01[A ]| tub, the words that obstruct it. Set aside once and for all, at the same time as the 03:0144;01[A ]| analogy with orthodox damnation, all idea of beginning and end. 03:0144;01@@@@@| 03:0144;01[A ]| Overcome, that 03:0144;01[A ]| goes without saying, the fatal leaning towards expressiveness. Equate me, without 03:0144;01[A ]| pity or scruple, with him who exists, somehow, no matter how, no finicking, 03:0144;01[A ]| with him whose story this story had the brief ambition 03:0145;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$. Better, ascribe to$4$ me a body. Better still, arrogate to$4$ me a mind. Speak of a 03:0145;01[A ]| world of my own, sometimes referred to$5$ as the inner, without choking. Doubt no 03:0145;01[A ]| more. Seek no more. Take advantage of the brand-new soul and substantiality to$9$ 03:0145;01[A ]| abandon, with the only possible abandon, deep down within. And finally, these 03:0145;01[A ]| and other decisions having been taken, carry on cheerfully as before. Something 03:0145;01[A ]| has changed nevertheless. Not a word about Mahood, or Worm, for the past ~~ ah 03:0145;01[A ]| yes, I nearly forgot, speak of time, without flinching, and what is more, it just 03:0145;01[A ]| occurs to$4$ me, by a natural association of ideas, treat of space with the same easy 03:0145;01[A ]| grace, as if it were not bunged up on all sides, a few inches away, after all that is 03:0145;01[A ]| something, a few inches, to$9$ be$1$ thankful for, it gives one air, room for the tongue 03:0145;01[A ]| to$9$ loll, to$9$ have$1$ lolled, to$9$ loll on. When I think, that is to$9$ say$1$, no, let it stand, 03:0145;01[A ]| when I think of the time I have wasted with these bran-dips, beginning with 03:0145;01[A ]| Murphy, who was not even the first, when I had me, on the premises, within easy 03:0145;01[A ]| reach, tottering under my own skin and bones, real ones, rotting with solitude 03:0145;01[A ]| and neglect, till I doubted my own existence, and even still, today, I have no faith 03:0145;01[A ]| in it, none, so that I have to$9$ say$1$, when I speak, Who speaks, and seek, and so on 03:0145;01[A ]| and similarly for all the other things that happen to$4$ me and for which someone 03:0145;01[A ]| must be$1$ found, for things that happen must have$1$ someone to$9$ happen to$5$, 03:0145;01[A ]| someone must stop them. But Murphy and the others, and last but not least the 03:0145;01[A ]| two old buffers here present, could not stop them, the things that happened to$4$ 03:0145;01[A ]| me, nothing could happen to$4$ them, of the things that happened to$4$ me, and 03:0145;01[A ]| nothing else either, there is nothing else, let us be$1$ lucid for 03:0146;01[A ]| once, nothing else but what happens to$4$ me, such as speaking, and such as 03:0146;01[A ]| seeking, and which can not happen to$4$ me, which prowl round me, like bodies in 03:0146;01[A ]| torment, the torment of no abode, no repose, no, like hyenas, screeching and 03:0146;01[A ]| laughing, no, no better, no matter, I have shut my doors against them, I am not at 03:0146;01[A ]| home to$4$ anything, my doors are shut against them, perhaps that is how I will find 03:0146;01[A ]| silence, and peace at last, by opening my doors and letting myself be$1$ devoured, 03:0146;01[A ]| they will stop howling, they will start eating, the maws now howling. Open up, open 03:0146;01[A ]| up, you will be$1$ all right, you will see. What a joy it is, to$9$ turn and look astern, between 03:0146;01[A ]| two visits to$4$ the depths, scan in vain the horizon for a sail, it is a real pleasure, 03:0146;01[A ]| upon my word it is, to$9$ be$1$ unable to$9$ drown, under such conditions. Yes, but there 03:0146;01[A ]| it is, I am far from my doors, far from my walls, someone would have$1$ to$9$ wake 03:0146;01[A ]| the turnkey, there must be$1$ one somewhere, far from my subject too, let us get 03:0146;01[A ]| back to$4$ it, it is gone, no longer there where I thought I last saw it, strange this 03:0146;01[A ]| mixture of solid and liquid, where was I, ah yes, my subject, no longer there, or 03:0146;01[A ]| no longer the same, or I mistake the place, no, yes, it is the same, still there, in the 03:0146;01[A ]| same place, it is a pity, I would have$1$ liked to$9$ lose it, I would have$1$ liked to$9$ lose me, 03:0146;01[A ]| lose me the. way I could long ago, when I still had some imagination, close my 03:0146;01[A ]| eyes and be$1$ in a wood, or on the seashore, or in a town where I do not know 03:0146;01[A ]| anyone, it is night, everyone has gone home, I walk the streets, I lash into them 03:0146;01[A ]| one after the other, it is the town of my youth, I am looking for my mother to$9$ kill 03:0146;01[A ]| her$6$, I should have$1$ thought of that a bit earlier, before being born, it is raining, I am 03:0146;01[A ]| all right, I stride along on the crown of 03:0147;01[A ]| the street with great yaws to$4$ left and right, now that is all over, with closed eyes I 03:0147;01[A ]| see the same as with them open, namely, wait, I will say$1$ it, I will try and say$1$ it, I am 03:0147;01[A ]| curious to$9$ know what it can possibly be$1$ that I see, with closed eyes, with open 03:0147;01[A ]| eyes, nothing, I see nothing, well that is a disappointment, I was hoping for 03:0147;01[A ]| something better than that, is that what it is to$9$ be$1$ unable to$9$ lose yourself, I am 03:0147;01[A ]| asking myself a question, is that what it is, to$9$ see nothing, no matter where I look, 03:0147;01[A ]| nor, eyeless, the little creature in his different guises coming and going, now in 03:0147;01[A ]| shadow, now in light, doing his best, seeking the means of staying among the 03:0147;01[A ]| living, of getting off with his life, or shut up looking out of the window at the 03:0147;01[A ]| ever-changing sky, is that it, to$9$ be$1$ unable to$9$ lose myself, I do not know, what did I 03:0147;01[A ]| see in the old days, when I ventured a quick look, I do not know, I do not 03:0147;01[A ]| remember. There I am in any case equipped with eyes, which I open and shut, 03:0147;01[A ]| two, perhaps blue, knowing it avails nothing, for I have a head now too, where 03:0147;01[A ]| all manner of things are known, can it be$1$ of me I am speaking, is it possible, of 03:0147;01[A ]| course not, that is another thing I know, I will speak of me when I speak no more. In 03:0147;01[A ]| any case it is not a question of speaking of me, but of speaking, of speaking no 03:0147;01[A ]| more, this slight confusion augurs well, now I will have$1$ to$9$ find a name for this 03:0147;01[A ]| latest surrogate, his head splitting with vile certainties and his doll's eyes, later 03:0147;01[A ]| on, later on, first I must describe him in greater detail, see what he is capable of, 03:0147;01[A ]| whence he comes and whither he returns, in his head of course, we do not intend 03:0147;01[A ]| to$9$ relapse into picaresque, with the stink of Mahood and Worm still in our 03:0147;01[A ]| nostrils. Now it is I the orator, the beleaguerers 03:0148;01[A ]| have departed, I am master on board, after the rats, I no longer crawl between 03:0148;01[A ]| the thwarts, under the moon, in the shadow of the lash, strange this mixture of 03:0148;01[A ]| solid and liquid, a little air now is all we need to$9$ complete the elements, no, I am 03:0148;01[A ]| forgetting fire, unusual hell when you come to$9$ think of it, perhaps it is paradise, 03:0148;01[A ]| perhaps it is the earth, perhaps it is the shores of a lake beneath the earth, you 03:0148;01[A ]| scarcely breathe, but you breathe, it is not certain, you see nothing, hear nothing, 03:0148;01[A ]| you hear the long kiss of dead water and mud, aloft at less than a score of fathoms 03:0148;01[A ]| men come and go, you dream of them, in your long dream there is a place for the 03:0148;01[A ]| waking, you wonder how you know all you know, you even see grass, grass at 03:0148;01[A ]| dawn, glaucous with dew, not so blind as all that my eyes, they are not mine, mine 03:0148;01[A ]| are done, they do not even weep any more, they open and shut by the force of 03:0148;01[A ]| habit, fifteen minutes exposure, fifteen minutes shutter, like the owl cooped in 03:0148;01[A ]| the grotto in Battersea Park, ah misery, will I never stop wanting a life for myself? 03:0148;01[A ]| No no, no head either, anything you like, but not a head, in his head he does not 03:0148;01[A ]| go anywhere either, I have tried, lashed to$4$ the stake, blindfold, gagged to$4$ the gullet, 03:0148;01[A ]| you take the air, under the elms in se, murmuring Shelley, impervious to$4$ the 03:0148;01[A ]| shafts. Yes, a head, but solid, solid bone, and you imbedded in it, like a fossil in 03:0148;01[A ]| the rock. Perhaps there go I after all. I can not go on in any case. But I must go on. So 03:0148;01[A ]| I will go on. Air, air, I will seek air, air in time, the air of time, and in space, in my 03:0148;01[A ]| head, that is how I will go on. All very fine, but the voice is failing, it is the first time, 03:0148;01[A ]| no, I have been through that, it has even stopped, many a time, that is how it will 03:0148;01[A ]| end again, I will go silent, for want of air, then 03:0149;01[A ]| the voice will come back and I will begin again. My voice. The voice. I hardly hear 03:0149;01[A ]| it any more. I am going silent. Hearing this voice no more, that is what I call going 03:0149;01[A ]| silent. That is to$9$ say$1$ I will hear it still, if I listen hard. I will listen hard. Listening hard, 03:0149;01[A ]| that is what I call going silent. I will hear it still, broken, faint, unintelligible, if I 03:0149;01[A ]| listen hard. Hearing it still, without hearing what it says, that is what I call going 03:0149;01[A ]| silent. Then it will flare up, like a kindling fire, a dying fire, Mahood explained 03:0149;01[A ]| that to$4$ me, and I will emerge from silence. Hearing too little to$9$ be$1$ able to$9$ speak, 03:0149;01[A ]| that is my silence. That is to$9$ say$1$ I never stop speaking, but sometimes too low, too 03:0149;01[A ]| far away, too far within, to$9$ hear, no, I hear, to$9$ understand, not that I ever 03:0149;01[A ]| understand. It fades, it goes in, behind the door, I am going silent, there is going to$9$ 03:0149;01[A ]| be$1$ silence, I will listen, it is worse than speaking, no, no worse, no better. Unless this 03:0149;01[A ]| time it is the true silence, the one I will never have$1$ to$9$ break any more, when I will not 03:0149;01[A ]| have$1$ to$9$ listen any more, when I can dribble in my corner, my head gone, my 03:0149;01[A ]| tongue dead, the one I have tried to$9$ earn, that I thought I could earn. I am going to$9$ 03:0149;01[A ]| stop, that is to$9$ say$1$ I am going to$9$ look as if I had, it will be$1$ like everything else. As if 03:0149;01[A ]| anyone were looking at me! As if it were I! It will be$1$ the same silence, the same as 03:0149;01[A ]| ever, murmurous with muted lamentation, panting and exhaling of impossible 03:0149;01[A ]| sorrow, like distant laughter, and brief spells of hush, as of one buried before his 03:0149;01[A ]| time. Long or short, the same silence. Then I resurrect and begin again. That is 03:0149;01[A ]| what I will have$1$ got for all my pains. Unless this time it is the real silence at last. 03:0149;01[A ]| Perhaps I have said the thing that had to$9$ be$1$ said, that gives me the right to$9$ be$1$ done 03:0149;01[A ]| with speech, done with listening, 03:0150;01[A ]| done with hearing, without my knowing it. I am listening already, I am going 03:0150;01[A ]| silent. The next time I will not go to$4$ such pains, I will tell one of Mahood's old tales, 03:0150;01[A ]| no matter which, they are all alike, they will not tire me, I will not bother any more 03:0150;01[A ]| about me, I will know that no matter what I say the result is the same, that I will 03:0150;01[A ]| never be' silent, never at peace. Unless I try once more, just once more, one last 03:0150;01[A ]| time, to$9$ say$1$ what has to$9$ be$1$ said, about me, I feel it is about me, perhaps that is the 03:0150;01[A ]| mistake I make, perhaps that is my sin, so as to$9$ have$1$ nothing more to$9$ say$1$, nothing 03:0150;01[A ]| more to$9$ hear, till I die. It is coming back. I am glad. I will try again, quick before it goes 03:0150;01[A ]| again. Try what? I do not know. To$9$ continue. Now there is no one left. That is a 03:0150;01[A ]| good continuation. No one left, it is embarrassing, if I had a memory it might tell 03:0150;01[A ]| me that this is the sign of the end, this having no one left, no one to$9$ talk to$4$, no 03:0150;01[A ]| one to$9$ talk to$4$ you, so that you have to$9$ say$1$, It is I who am doing this to$4$ me, I who 03:0150;01[A ]| am talking to$4$ me about me. 03:0150;01@@@@@| 03:0150;01[A ]| Then the breath fails, the end begins, you go silent, 03:0150;01[A ]| it is the end, short-lived, you begin again, you had forgotten, there is some one 03:0150;01[A ]| there, someone talking to$4$ you, about you, about him, then a second, then a third, 03:0150;01[A ]| then the second again, then all three together, these figures just to$9$ give you a 03:0150;01[A ]| idea, talking to$4$ you, about you, about them, all I have to$9$ do$1$ is listen, then they 03:0150;01[A ]| depart, one by one, and the voice goes on, it is not theirs, they were never there, 03:0150;01[A ]| there was never anyone but you, talking to$4$ you about you, the breath fails, it is 03:0150;01[A ]| nearly the end, the breath stops, it is the end, short-lived, I hear someone calling 03:0150;01[A ]| me, it begins again, that must be$1$ how it goes, if I had a memory. Even if there 03:0150;01[A ]| were things, a thing somewhere, 03:0151;01[A ]| a scrap of nature, to$9$ talk about, you might be$1$ reconciled to$4$ having no one left, to$4$ 03:0151;01[A ]| being yourself the talker, if only there were a thing somewhere, to$9$ talk about, 03:0151;01[A ]| even though you could not see it, or know what it was, simply feel it there, with 03:0151;01[A ]| you, you might have$1$ the courage not to$9$ go silent, no, it is to$9$ go silent that you 03:0151;01[A ]| need courage, for you will be$1$ punished, punished for having gone silent, and yet 03:0151;01[A ]| you can not do$1$ otherwise than go silent, than be$1$ punished for having gone silent, 03:0151;01[A ]| than be$1$ punished for having been punished, since you begin again, the breath 03:0151;01[A ]| fails, if only there were a thing, but there it is, there is not, they took away things 03:0151;01[A ]| when they departed, they took away nature, there was never anyone, anyone but 03:0151;01[A ]| me, anything but me, talking to$4$ me of me, impossible to$9$ stop, impossible to$9$ go 03:0151;01[A ]| on, but I must go on, I will go on, without anyone, without anything, but me, but 03:0151;01[A ]| my voice, that is to$9$ say$1$ I will stop, I will end, it is the end already, short-lived, what is 03:0151;01[A ]| it, a little hole, you go down into it, into the silence, it is worse than the noise, you 03:0151;01[A ]| listen, it is worse than talking, no, not worse, no worse, you wait, in anguish, 03:0151;01[A ]| have they forgotten me, no, yes, no, someone calls me, I crawl out again, what is 03:0151;01[A ]| it, a little hole, in the wilderness. It is the end that is the worst, no, it is the 03:0151;01[A ]| beginning that is the worst, then the middle, then the end, in the end it is the end 03:0151;01[A ]| that is the worst, this voice that, I do not know, it is every second that is the worst, 03:0151;01[A ]| it is a chronicle, the seconds pass, one after another, jerkily, no flow, they do not 03:0151;01[A ]| pass, they arrive, bang, bang, they bang into you, bounce off, fall and never move 03:0151;01[A ]| again, when you have nothing left to$9$ say$1$ you talk of time, seconds of time, there 03:0151;01[A ]| are some people add them together to$9$ make a 03:0152;01[A ]| life, I can not, each one is the first, no, the second, or the third, I am three seconds 03:0152;01[A ]| old, oh not every day of the week. I have been away, done something, been in a 03:0152;01[A ]| hole, I have just crawled out, perhaps I went silent, no, I say that in order to$9$ say$1$ 03:0152;01[A ]| something, in order to$9$ go on a little more, you must go on a little more, you must 03:0152;01[A ]| go on a long time more, you must go on evermore, if I could remember what I 03:0152;01[A ]| have said I could repeat it, if I could learn something by heart I would be$1$ saved, I have 03:0152;01[A ]| to$9$ keep on saying the same thing and each time it is a effort, the seconds must be$1$ 03:0152;01[A ]| all alike and each one is infernal, what am I saying now, I am saying I wish I knew. 03:0152;01[A ]| And yet I have memories, I remember Worm, that is to$9$ say$1$ I have retained the 03:0152;01[A ]| name, and the other, what is his name, what was his name, in his jar, I can see 03:0152;01[A ]| him still, better than I can see me, I know how he lived, now I remember, I alone 03:0152;01[A ]| saw him, but no one sees me, nor him, I do not see him any more, Mahood, he 03:0152;01[A ]| was called Mahood, I do not see him any more, I do not know how he lived any 03:0152;01[A ]| more, he is not there any more, he was never there, in his jar, I never saw him, 03:0152;01[A ]| and yet I remember, I remember having talked about him, I must have$1$ talked 03:0152;01[A ]| about him, the same words recur and they are your memories. It is I invented 03:0152;01[A ]| him, him and so many others, and the places where they passed, the places where 03:0152;01[A ]| they stayed, in order to$9$ speak, since I had to$9$ speak, without speaking of me, I 03:0152;01[A ]| could not speak of me, I was never told I had to$9$ speak of me, I invented my 03:0152;01[A ]| memories, not knowing what I was doing, not one is of me. It is they asked me to$9$ 03:0152;01[A ]| speak of them, they wanted to$9$ know what they were, how they lived, that suited 03:0152;01[A ]| me, I thought that would suit me, since I had 03:0153;01[A ]| nothing to$9$ say$1$ and had to$9$ say$1$ something, I thought I was free to$9$ say$1$ any old 03:0153;01[A ]| thing, so long as I did not go silent. Then I said to$4$ myself that after all perhaps it 03:0153;01[A ]| was not any old thing, the thing I was saying, that it might well be$1$ the thing 03:0153;01[A ]| demanded of me, assuming something was being demanded of me. No, I did not 03:0153;01[A ]| think anything and I did not say$1$ anything to$4$ myself, I did what I could, a thing 03:0153;01[A ]| beyond my strength, and often for exhaustion I gave up doing it, and yet it went 03:0153;01[A ]| on being done, the voice being heard, the voice which could not be$1$ mine, since I 03:0153;01[A ]| had none left, and yet which could only be$1$ mine, since I could not go silent, and 03:0153;01[A ]| since I was alone, in a place where no voice could reach me. Yes, in my life, since 03:0153;01[A ]| we must call it so, there were three things, the inability to$9$ speak, the inability to$9$ 03:0153;01[A ]| be$1$ silent, and solitude, that is what I have had to$9$ make the best of. Yes, now I can 03:0153;01[A ]| speak of my life, I am too tired for niceties, but I do not know if I ever lived, I have 03:0153;01[A ]| really no opinion on the subject. However that may be$1$ I think I will soon go silent 03:0153;01[A ]| for good, in spite of its being prohibited. Then, yes, phut, just like that, just like 03:0153;01[A ]| one of the living, then I will be$1$ dead, I think I will soon be$1$ dead, I hope I find it a 03:0153;01[A ]| change. I should have$1$ liked to$9$ go silent first, there were moments I thought that 03:0153;01[A ]| would be$1$ my reward for having spoken so long and so valiantly, to$9$ enter living 03:0153;01[A ]| into silence, so as to$9$ be$1$ able to$9$ enjoy it, no, I do not know why, so as to$9$ feel myself 03:0153;01[A ]| silent, one with all this quiet air shattered unceasingly by my voice alone, no, it is 03:0153;01[A ]| not real air, I can not say$1$ it, I can not say$1$ why I should have$1$ liked to$9$ be$1$ silent a little 03:0153;01[A ]| before being dead, so as in the end to$9$ be$1$ a little as I always was and never could be$1$, 03:0153;01[A ]| without fear 03:0154;01[A ]| of worse to$9$ come peacefully in the place where I always was and could never 03:0154;01[A ]| rest in peace, no, I do not know, it is simpler than that, I wanted myself, in my own 03:0154;01[A ]| land for a brief space, I did not want to$9$ die a stranger in the midst of strangers, a 03:0154;01[A ]| stranger in my own midst, surrounded by invaders, no, I do not know what I 03:0154;01[A ]| wanted, I do not know what I thought, I must have$1$ wanted so many things, 03:0154;01[A ]| imagined so many things, while I was talking, without knowing exactly what, 03:0154;01[A ]| enough to$9$ go blind, with longings and visions, mingling and merging in one 03:0154;01[A ]| another, I would have$1$ been better employed minding what I was saying. But it did not 03:0154;01[A ]| happen like that, it happened like this, the way it is happening now, that is to$9$ say$1$, 03:0154;01[A ]| I do not know, you must not believe what I am saying, I do not know what I am 03:0154;01[A ]| saying, I am doing as I always did, I am going on as best I can. As to$4$ believing I shall 03:0154;01[A ]| go silent for good and all, I do not believe it particularly, I always believed it, as I 03:0154;01[A ]| always believed I would never go silent, you can not call that believing, it is my 03:0154;01[A ]| walls. But has nothing really changed, all this time? If instead of having 03:0154;01[A ]| something to$9$ say$1$ I had something to$9$ do$1$, with my hands or feet, some little job, 03:0154;01[A ]| sorting things for example, or simply arranging things, suppose for the sake of 03:0154;01[A ]| argument I had the job of moving things from one place to$4$ another, then I would 03:0154;01[A ]| know where I was, and how far I had got, no, not necessarily, I can see it from 03:0154;01[A ]| here, they would contrive things in such a way that I could not suspect the two 03:0154;01[A ]| vessels, the one to$9$ be$1$ emptied and the one to$9$ be$1$ filled, of being in reality one and 03:0154;01[A ]| the same, it would be$1$ water, water, with my thimble I would go and draw it from one 03:0154;01[A ]| container and then I would go and pour it into another, or 03:0155;01[A ]| there would be$1$ four, or a hundred, half of them to$9$ be$1$ filled, the other half to$9$ be$1$ 03:0155;01[A ]| emptied, numbered, the even to$9$ be$1$ emptied, the uneven to$9$ be$1$ filled, no, it would 03:0155;01[A ]| be$1$ more complicated, less symmetrical, no matter, to$9$ be$1$ emptied, and filled, in a 03:0155;01[A ]| certain way, a certain order, in accordance with certain homologies, the word is 03:0155;01[A ]| not too strong, so that I would have$1$ to$9$ think, tanks, communicating, communicating, 03:0155;01[A ]| connected by pipes under the floor, I can see it from here, always showing the 03:0155;01[A ]| same level, no, that would not work, too hopeless, they would arrange for me to$9$ have$1$ 03:0155;01[A ]| little attacks of hope from time to$4$ time, yes, pipes and taps, I can see it from here, 03:0155;01[A ]| so that I might fool myself from time to$4$ time, if I had that to$9$ do$1$, instead of this, 03:0155;01[A ]| some little job with fluids, filling and emptying, always the same vessel, I would be$1$ 03:0155;01[A ]| good at that, it would be$1$ a better life than this, no, I must not start complaining, I would 03:0155;01[A ]| have$1$ a body, I would not have$1$ to$9$ speak, I would hear my steps, almost without ceasing, 03:0155;01[A ]| and the noise of the water, and the crying of the air trapped in the pipes, I do not 03:0155;01[A ]| understand, I would have$1$ bouts of zeal, I would say$1$ to$4$ myself, The quicker I do it the 03:0155;01[A ]| quicker it will be$1$ done, the things one has to$9$ listen to$4$, that is where hope would 03:0155;01[A ]| come in, it would not be$1$ dark, impossible to$9$ do$1$ such work in the dark, that 03:0155;01[A ]| depends, yes, I must say$1$ I see no window, from here, whereas here that has no 03:0155;01[A ]| importance, that I see no window, here I need not come and go, fortunately, I 03:0155;01[A ]| could not, nor be$1$ dexterous, for naturally the water would have$1$ great value and 03:0155;01[A ]| the least drop spilt on the way, or in the act of drawing, or in the act of pouring, 03:0155;01[A ]| would cost me dear, and how could you tell, in the dark, if a drop, what is this 03:0155;01[A ]| story, it is a story, now I have told another little story, about me, 03:0156;01[A ]| about the life that might have$1$ been mine for all the difference it would have$1$ 03:0156;01[A ]| made, which was perhaps mine, perhaps I went through that before being 03:0156;01[A ]| deemed worthy of going through this, who knows towards what high destiny I 03:0156;01[A ]| am heading, unless I am coming from it. But once again the fable must be$1$ of 03:0156;01[A ]| another, I see him so well, coming and going among his casks, trying to$9$ stop his 03:0156;01[A ]| hand from trembling, dropping his thimble, listening to$4$ it bouncing and rolling 03:0156;01[A ]| on the floor, scraping round for it with his foot, going down on his knees, going 03:0156;01[A ]| down on his belly, crawling, it stops there, it must have$1$ been I, but I never saw 03:0156;01[A ]| myself, so it can not have$1$ been I, I do not know, know can I recognize myself who 03:0156;01[A ]| never made my acquaintance, it stops there, that is all I know, I do not see him any 03:0156;01[A ]| more, I will never see him again, yes I will, now he is there with the others, 03:0156;01@@@@@| 03:0156;01[A ]| I will not 03:0156;01[A ]| name them again, you say that for something to$9$ say$1$, you say anything for 03:0156;01[A ]| something to$9$ say$1$, some do this, others that, he does as I said, I do not remember, 03:0156;01[A ]| he will come back, to$9$ keep me company, only the wicked are solitary, I will see him 03:0156;01[A ]| again, it is his fault, his fault for wanting to$9$ know what he was like, and how he 03:0156;01[A ]| lived, or he will never come back, it is one or the other, they do not all come back, I 03:0156;01[A ]| mean there must be$1$ some I have only seen once, up to$4$ now, very true, it is only 03:0156;01[A ]| beginning, I feel the end at hand and the beginning likewise, to$4$ every man his 03:0156;01[A ]| orbit, that is obvious. But, and here I return to$4$ the charge, but has nothing really 03:0156;01[A ]| changed, all this mortal time, I am speaking now of me, yes, hence-forward I shall 03:0156;01[A ]| speak of none but me, that is decided, even though I should not succeed, there is 03:0156;01[A ]| no reason why I should succeed, so I need have$1$ no qualms. 03:0157;01[A ]| Nothing changed? I must be$1$ aging all the same, bah, I was always aged, always 03:0157;01[A ]| aging, and aging makes no difference, not to$9$ mention that all this is not about 03:0157;01[A ]| me, hell, I have contradicted myself, no matter. So long as one does not know what 03:0157;01[A ]| one is saying and can not stop to$9$ inquire, in tranquillity, fortunately, fortunately, 03:0157;01[A ]| one would like to$9$ stop, but unconditionally, I resume, so long as, so long as, let 03:0157;01[A ]| me see, so long as one, so long as he, ah fuck all that, so long as this, then that, 03:0157;01[A ]| agreed, that is good enough, I nearly got stuck. Help, help, if I could only describe 03:0157;01[A ]| this place, I who am so good at describing places, walls, ceilings, floors, they are 03:0157;01[A ]| my speciality, doors, windows, what have not I imagined in the way of windows 03:0157;01[A ]| in the course of my career, some opened on the sea, all you could see was sea and 03:0157;01[A ]| sky, if I could put myself in a room, that would be$1$ the end of the wordy-gurdy, 03:0157;01[A ]| even doorless, even windowless, nothing but the four surfaces, the six surfaces, if 03:0157;01[A ]| I could shut myself up, it would be$1$ a mine, it could be$1$ black dark, I could be$1$ 03:0157;01[A ]| motionless and fixed, I would find a way to$9$ explore it, I would listen to$4$ the echo, I would get to$9$ 03:0157;01[A ]| know it, I would get to$9$ remember it, I would be$1$ home, I would say$1$ what it is like, in my home, 03:0157;01[A ]| instead of any old thing, this place, if I could describe this place, portray it, I have 03:0157;01[A ]| tried, I feel no place, no place round me, there is no end to$4$ me, I do not know what 03:0157;01[A ]| it is, it is not flesh, it does not end, it is like air, now I have it, you say that, to$9$ say$1$ 03:0157;01[A ]| something, you will not say$1$ it long, like gas, balls, balls, the place, then we will see, 03:0157;01[A ]| first the place, then I will find me in it, I will put me in it, a solid lump, in the middle, 03:0157;01[A ]| or in a corner, well propped up on three sides, the place, if only I could feel a place 03:0157;01[A ]| for me, I have tried, I will 03:0158;01[A ]| try again, none was ever mine, that sea under my window, higher than the 03:0158;01[A ]| window, and the row-boat, do you remember, and the river, and the bay, I knew I 03:0158;01[A ]| had memories, pity they are not of me, and the stars, and the beacons, and the 03:0158;01[A ]| lights of the buoys, and the mountain burning, it was the time nothing was too 03:0158;01[A ]| good for me, the others benefited by it, they died like flies, or the forest, a roof is 03:0158;01[A ]| not indispensable, a interior, if I could be$1$ in a forest, caught in a thicket, or 03:0158;01[A ]| wandering round in circles, it would be$1$ the end of this blither, I would describe the 03:0158;01[A ]| leaves, one by one, at the moment of their growing, at the moment of their 03:0158;01[A ]| giving shade, at the moment of their falling, those are good moments, for one 03:0158;01[A ]| who has not to$9$ say$1$, But it is not I, it is not I, where am I, what am I doing, all this 03:0158;01[A ]| time, as if that mattered, but there it is, that takes the heart out of you, your heart 03:0158;01[A ]| is not in it any more, your heart that was, among the brambles, cradled by the 03:0158;01[A ]| shadows, you try the sea, you try the town, you look for yourself in the 03:0158;01[A ]| mountains and the plains, it is only natural, you want yourself, you want yourself 03:0158;01[A ]| in your own little corner, it is not love, not curiosity, it is because you are tired, you 03:0158;01[A ]| want to$9$ stop, travel no more, seek no more, lie no more, speak no more, close 03:0158;01[A ]| your eyes, but your own, in a word lay your hands on yourself, after that you will 03:0158;01[A ]| make short work of it. I notice one thing, the others have vanished, completely, I 03:0158;01[A ]| do not like it. Notice, I notice nothing, I go on as best I can, if it begins to$9$ mean 03:0158;01[A ]| something I can not help it, I have passed by here, this has passed by me, thousands 03:0158;01[A ]| of times, its turn has come again, it will pass on and something else will be$1$ there, 03:0158;01[A ]| another instant of my old instant, there it is, the old meaning 03:0159;01[A ]| that I will give myself, that I will not be$1$ able to$9$ give myself, there is a god for the 03:0159;01[A ]| damned, as on the first day, today is the first day, it begins, I know it well, I will 03:0159;01[A ]| remember it as I go along, all adown it I will be$1$ born and born, births for nothing, 03:0159;01[A ]| and come to$4$ night without having been. Look at this Tunis pink, it is dawn. If I 03:0159;01[A ]| could only shut myself up, quick, I will shut myself up, it will not be$1$ I, quick, I will make 03:0159;01[A ]| a place, it will not be$1$ mine, it does not matter, I do not feel any place for me, perhaps 03:0159;01[A ]| that will come, I will make it mine, I will put myself in it, I will put someone in it, I will 03:0159;01[A ]| find someone in it, I will put myself in him, I will say$1$ he is I, perhaps he will keep me, 03:0159;01[A ]| perhaps the place will keep us, me inside the other, the place all round us, it will 03:0159;01[A ]| be$1$ over, all over, I will not have$1$ to$9$ try and move any more, I will close my eyes, all I will 03:0159;01[A ]| have$1$ to$9$ do$1$ is talk, that will be$1$ easy, I will have$1$ things to$9$ say$1$, about me, about my 03:0159;01[A ]| life, I will make it a good one, I will know who is talking, and about what, I will know 03:0159;01[A ]| where I am, perhaps I will be$1$ able to$9$ go silent, perhaps that is all they are waiting for, 03:0159;01[A ]| there they are again, to$9$ pardon me, waiting for me to$9$ reach home, to$9$ pardon me, 03:0159;01[A ]| it is the lie they refuse to$9$ stop, I will close my eyes, be$1$ happy at last, that is the way it 03:0159;01[A ]| is this morning. Morning, I call that morning, that is right, shilly-shally a little 03:0159;01[A ]| longer, I call that morning, I have not many words, I have not much choice, I do not 03:0159;01[A ]| choose, the word came, I should have$1$ avoided this bright stain, it is the dayspring, 03:0159;01[A ]| but it does not last, I know it, I call that the dayspring, if you could only see it. I am 03:0159;01[A ]| off, you would not think so, perhaps it is my last gallop, I smell the stable, I always 03:0159;01[A ]| smelt the stable, it is I smell of the stable, there is no stable but me, for me. No, I 03:0159;01[A ]| will not do$1$ it, what will not I do, as if that depended 03:0160;01[A ]| on me, I will not seek my home any more, I do not know what I will do$1$, it would be$1$ 03:0160;01[A ]| occupied already, there would be$1$ someone there already, someone far gone, he 03:0160;01[A ]| would not want me, I can understand him, I would disturb him, what am I going to$9$ say$1$ 03:0160;01[A ]| now, I am going to$9$ ask myself, I am going to$9$ ask questions, that is a good stopgap, 03:0160;01[A ]| not that I am in any danger of stopping, then why all this fuss, that is right, 03:0160;01[A ]| questions, I know millions, I must know millions, and then there are plans, 03:0160;01[A ]| when questions fail there are always plans, you say what you will say$1$ and what you 03:0160;01[A ]| will not say$1$, that does not commit you to$4$ anything and the evil moment passes, it 03:0160;01[A ]| drops stone dead, suddenly you hear yourself talking about God knows what as if 03:0160;01[A ]| you had done nothing else all your life, and neither have you, you come back 03:0160;01[A ]| from a far place, back to$4$ life, that is where you should be$1$, where you are, far from 03:0160;01[A ]| here, far from everything, if only I could go there, if only I could describe it, I who 03:0160;01[A ]| am so good at topography, that is right, aspirations, when plans fail there are 03:0160;01[A ]| always aspirations, it is a knack, you must say$1$ it slowly, If only this, if only that, 03:0160;01[A ]| that gives you time, time for a cud of longing to$9$ rise up in the back of your gullet, 03:0160;01[A ]| nothing remains but to$9$ look as if you enjoyed chewing it, there is no knowing 03:0160;01[A ]| where that may lead you, on tracks as beaten as the day is long, often you pass 03:0160;01[A ]| yourself by, someone passes himself by, if only you knew, that is right, aspirations, 03:0160;01[A ]| you turn and look behind you, so does the other, you weep for him, he weeps for 03:0160;01[A ]| you, it is screamingly sad, anything rather than laughter. What else, opinions, 03:0160;01[A ]| comparisons, anything rather than laughter, all helps, can not help helping, 03:0161;01[A ]| to$9$ get you over the pretty pass, the things you have to$9$ listen to$4$, what pretty pass, 03:0161;01[A ]| it is not I speaking, it is not I hearing, let us not go into that, let us go on as if I were 03:0161;01[A ]| the only one in the world, whereas I am the only one absent from it, or with 03:0161;01[A ]| others, what difference does it make, others present, others absent, they are not 03:0161;01[A ]| obliged to$9$ make themselves manifest, all that is needed is-to wander and let 03:0161;01[A ]| wander, be$1$ this slow boundless whirlwind and every particle of its dust, it is 03:0161;01[A ]| impossible. Someone speaks, someone hears, no need to$9$ go any further, it is not 03:0161;01[A ]| he, it is I, or another, or others, what does it matter, the case is clear, it is not he, he 03:0161;01[A ]| who I know I am, that is all I know, who I can not say$1$ I am, I can not say$1$ anything, 03:0161;01[A ]| I have tried, I am trying, he knows nothing, knows of nothing, neither what it is to$9$ 03:0161;01[A ]| speak, nor what it is to$9$ hear, to$9$ know nothing, to$9$ be$1$ capable of nothing, and to$9$ 03:0161;01[A ]| have$1$ to$9$ try, you do not try any more, no need to$9$ try, it goes on by itself, it drags on 03:0161;01[A ]| by itself, from word to$4$ word, a labouring whirl, you are in it somewhere, 03:0161;01[A ]| everywhere, not he, if only I could forget him, have$1$ one second of this noise that 03:0161;01[A ]| carries me away, without having to$9$ say$1$, I do not, I have not time, It is not I, I am he, 03:0161;01[A ]| after all, why not, why not say it, I must have$1$ said it, as well that as anything else, 03:0161;01[A ]| it is not I, not I, I can not say$1$ it, it came like that, it comes like that, it is not I, if only it 03:0161;01[A ]| could be$1$ about him, if only it could come about him, I would deny him, with pleasure, 03:0161;01[A ]| if that could help, it is I, here it is I, speak to$4$ me of him, let me speak of him, that is 03:0161;01[A ]| all I ask, I never asked for anything, make me speak of him, what a mess, now 03:0161;01[A ]| there is no one left, long may it last. In the end it comes to$4$ that, 03:0162;01[A ]| to$4$ the survival of that alone, then the words come back, someone says I, 03:0162;01[A ]| unbelieving. If only I could make a effort, a effort of attention, to$9$ try and 03:0162;01[A ]| discover what is happening, what is happening to$4$ me, what then, I do not know, 03:0162;01[A ]| I have forgotten my apodosis, but I can not, I do not hear any more, I am sleeping, they 03:0162;01[A ]| call that sleeping, there they are again, we will have$1$ to$9$ start killing them again, I 03:0162;01[A ]| hear this horrible noise, coming back takes time, I do not know where from, I was 03:0162;01[A ]| nearly there, 03:0162;01@@@@@| 03:0162;01[A ]| I was nearly sleeping, I call that sleeping, there is no one but me, 03:0162;01[A ]| there was never anyone but me, here I mean, elsewhere is another matter, I was 03:0162;01[A ]| never elsewhere, here is my only elsewhere, it is I who do this thing and I who 03:0162;01[A ]| suffer it, it is not possible otherwise, it is not possible so, it is not my fault, all I can 03:0162;01[A ]| say$1$ is that it is not my fault, it is not anyone's fault, since there is not anyone it can not 03:0162;01[A ]| be$1$ anyone's fault, since there is not anyone but me it can not be$1$ mine, sometimes 03:0162;01[A ]| you would think I was reasoning, I have no objection, they must have$1$ taught me 03:0162;01[A ]| reasoning too, they must have$1$ begun teaching me, before they deserted me, I 03:0162;01[A ]| do not remember that period, but it must have$1$ marked me, I do not remember 03:0162;01[A ]| having been deserted, perhaps I received a shock. Strange, these phrases that die 03:0162;01[A ]| for no reason, strange, what is strange about it, here all is strange, all is strange 03:0162;01[A ]| when you come to$9$ think of it, no, it is coming to$9$ think of it that is strange, am I to$9$ 03:0162;01[A ]| suppose I am inhabited, I can not suppose anything, I have to$9$ go on, that is what I am 03:0162;01[A ]| doing, let others suppose, there must be$1$ others in other elsewheres, each one in 03:0162;01[A ]| his little elsewhere, this word that keeps coming back, each one saying to$4$ himself, 03:0162;01[A ]| when the moment comes, the moment to$9$ say$1$ it, Let others 03:0163;01[A ]| suppose, and so on, so on, let others do this, others do that, if there are any, that 03:0163;01[A ]| helps you on, that helps you forward, I believe in progress, I know how to$9$ 03:0163;01[A ]| believe too, they must have$1$ taught me believing too, no, no one ever taught me 03:0163;01[A ]| anything, I never learnt anything, I have always been here, here there was never 03:0163;01[A ]| anyone but me, never, always, me, no one, old slush to$9$ be$1$ churned everlastingly, 03:0163;01[A ]| now it is slush, a minute ago it was dust, it must have$1$ rained. He must have$1$ 03:0163;01[A ]| travelled, he whose voice it is, he must have$1$ seen, with his eyes, a man or two, a 03:0163;01[A ]| thing or two, been aloft, in the light, or else heard tales, travellers found him and 03:0163;01[A ]| told him tales, that proves my innocence, who says, That proves my innocence, 03:0163;01[A ]| he says it, or they say it, yes, they who reason, they who believe, no, in the 03:0163;01[A ]| singular, he who lived, or saw some who had, he speaks of me, as if I were he, as 03:0163;01[A ]| if I were not he, both, and as if I were others, one after another, he is the afflicted, 03:0163;01[A ]| I am far, do you hear him, he says I am far, as if I were he, no, as if I were not he, 03:0163;01[A ]| for he is not far, he is here, it is he who speaks, he says it is I, then he says it is not, I 03:0163;01[A ]| am far, do you hear him, he seeks me I do not know why, he does not know why, 03:0163;01[A ]| he calls me, he wants me to$9$ come out, he thinks I can come out, he wants me to$9$ 03:0163;01[A ]| be$1$ he, or another, let us be$1$ fair, he wants me to$9$ rise up, up into him, or up into 03:0163;01[A ]| another, let us be$1$ impartial, he thinks he is caught me, he feels me in him, then 03:0163;01[A ]| he says I, as if I were he, or in another, let us be$1$ just, then he says Murphy, or 03:0163;01[A ]| Molloy, I forget, as if I were Malone, but their day is done, he wants none but 03:0163;01[A ]| himself, for me, he thinks it is his last chance, he thinks that, they taught him 03:0163;01[A ]| thinking, it is always he who speaks, Mercier 03:0164;01[A ]| never spoke, Moran never spoke, I never spoke, I seem to$9$ speak, that is because 03:0164;01[A ]| he says I as if he were I, I nearly believed him, do you hear him, as if he were I, I 03:0164;01[A ]| who am far, who can not move, can not be$1$ found, but neither can he, he can only talk, 03:0164;01[A ]| if that much, perhaps it is not he, perhaps it is a multitude, one after another, what 03:0164;01[A ]| confusion, someone mentions confusion, is it a sin, all here is sin, you do not 03:0164;01[A ]| know why, you do not know whose, you do not know against whom, someone says 03:0164;01[A ]| you, it is the fault of the pronouns, there is no name for me, no pronoun for me, 03:0164;01[A ]| all the trouble comes from that, that, it is a kind of pronoun too, it is not that 03:0164;01[A ]| either, I am not that either, let us leave all that, forget about all that, it is not 03:0164;01[A ]| difficult, our concern is with someone, or our concern is with something, now 03:0164;01[A ]| we are getting it, someone or something that is not there, or that is not anywhere, 03:0164;01[A ]| or that is there, here, why not, after all, and our concern is with speaking of that, 03:0164;01[A ]| now we have got it, you do not know why, why you must speak of that, but there it 03:0164;01[A ]| is, you can not speak of that, no one can speak of that, you speak of yourself, 03:0164;01[A ]| someone speaks of himself, that is it, in the singular, a single one, the man on 03:0164;01[A ]| duty, he, I, no matter, the man on duty speaks of himself, it is not that, of others, 03:0164;01[A ]| it is not that either, he does not know, how could he know, whether he has spoken 03:0164;01[A ]| of that or not, when speaking of himself, when speaking of others, when 03:0164;01[A ]| speaking of things, how can I know, I can not know, if I have spoken of him, I can 03:0164;01[A ]| only speak of me, no, I can not speak of anything, and yet I speak, perhaps it is of 03:0164;01[A ]| him, I will never know, how could I know, who could know, who knowing could 03:0164;01[A ]| tell me, I do not know who 03:0165;01[A ]| it is all about, that is all I know, no, I must know something else, they must have$1$ 03:0165;01[A ]| taught me something, it is about him who knows nothing, wants nothing, can do$1$ 03:0165;01[A ]| nothing, if it is possible you can do$1$ nothing when you want nothing, who can not 03:0165;01[A ]| hear, can not speak, who is I, who can not be$1$ I, of whom I can not speak, of whom I 03:0165;01[A ]| must speak, that is all hypotheses, I said nothing, someone said nothing, it is not a 03:0165;01[A ]| question of hypotheses, it is a question of going on, it goes on, hypotheses are like 03:0165;01[A ]| everything else, they help you on, as if there were need of help, that is right, 03:0165;01[A ]| impersonal, as if there were any need of help to$9$ go on with a thing that can not stop, 03:0165;01[A ]| and yet it will, it will stop, do you hear, the voice says it will stop, some day, it 03:0165;01[A ]| says it will stop and it says it will never stop, fortunately I have no opinion, what 03:0165;01[A ]| would I have$1$ a opinion with, with my mouth perhaps, if it is mine, I do not feel a 03:0165;01[A ]| mouth on me, that means nothing, if only I could feel a mouth on me, if only I 03:0165;01[A ]| could feel something on me, I will try, if I can, I know it is not I, that is all I know, I 03:0165;01[A ]| say I, knowing it is not I, I am far, far, what does that mean, far, no need to$9$ be$1$ far, 03:0165;01[A ]| perhaps he is here, in my arms, I do not feel any arms on me, if only I could feel 03:0165;01[A ]| something on me, it would be$1$ a starting-point, a starting-point, ah if I could 03:0165;01[A ]| laugh, I know what it is, they must have$1$ told me what it is, but I can not do$1$ it, they 03:0165;01[A ]| can not have$1$ shown me how to$9$ do$1$ it, perhaps it is one of those gifts that can not be$1$ 03:0165;01[A ]| acquired. The silence, a word on the silence, in the silence, that is the worst, to$9$ 03:0165;01[A ]| speak of silence, then lock me up, lock someone up, that is to$9$ say$1$, what is that to$9$ 03:0165;01[A ]| say$1$, calm, calm, I am calm, I am locked up, I am in something, 03:0166;01[A ]| it is not I, that is all I know, no more about that, that is to$9$ say$1$, make a place, a 03:0166;01[A ]| little world, it will be$1$ round, this time it will be$1$ round, it is not certain, low of 03:0166;01[A ]| ceiling, thick of wall, why low, why thick, I do not know, it is not certain, it remains 03:0166;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ seen, all remains to$9$ be$1$ seen, a little world, try and find out what it is like, try 03:0166;01[A ]| and guess, put someone in it, seek someone in it, and what he is like, and how he 03:0166;01[A ]| manages, it will not be$1$ I, no matter, perhaps it will, perhaps it will be$1$ my world, 03:0166;01[A ]| possible coincidence, there will not be$1$ windows, we are done with windows, the sea 03:0166;01[A ]| refused me, the sky did not see me, I was not there, and the summer evening air 03:0166;01[A ]| weighing on my eyelids, we must have$1$ eyelids, we must have$1$ eyeballs, it is 03:0166;01[A ]| preferable, they must have$1$ explained to$4$ me, someone must have$1$ explained to$4$ 03:0166;01[A ]| me, what it is like, a eye, at the window, before the sea, before the earth, before 03:0166;01[A ]| the sky, at the window, against the air, opening, shutting, grey, black, grey, black, I 03:0166;01[A ]| must have$1$ understood, I must have$1$ wanted it, wanted the eye, for my own, I 03:0166;01[A ]| must have$1$ tried, all the things they have told me, all the things I have tried, they 03:0166;01[A ]| come in useful still, when I think of them, that too, you must go on thinking too, 03:0166;01[A ]| the old thoughts, they call that thinking, it is visions, shreds of old visions, that is 03:0166;01[A ]| all you can see, a few old pictures, a window, what need had they to$9$ show me a 03:0166;01[A ]| window, saying, no, I forget, it does not come back to$4$ me, a window, saying, There 03:0166;01[A ]| are others, even more beautiful, and the rest, walls, sky, man, like Mahood, a 03:0166;01[A ]| little nature, too long to$9$ go over, too forgotten, too little forgotten, was it 03:0166;01[A ]| necessary, but was that how it happened, who can have$1$ come here, the devil 03:0166;01[A ]| perhaps, I can think of no one else, it is he 03:0167;01[A ]| showed me everything, here, in the dark, and how to$9$ speak, and what to$9$ say$1$, 03:0167;01[A ]| and a little nature, and a few names, and the outside of men, those in my image, 03:0167;01[A ]| whom I might resemble, and their way of living, in rooms, in sheds, in caverns, 03:0167;01[A ]| in woods, or coming and going, I forget, and who went away and left me, 03:0167;01[A ]| knowing I was tempted, knowing I was lost, whether I succumbed or not, have I 03:0167;01[A ]| succumbed or not, I do not know, it is not I, that is all I know, since that day it is not 03:0167;01[A ]| I any more, since that day there is no one any more, I must have$1$ succumbed. 03:0167;01[A ]| That is all hypotheses, that helps you forward, I believe in progress, I believe in 03:0167;01[A ]| silence, ah yes, a few words on the silence, then the little world, that will be$1$ 03:0167;01[A ]| enough, for the rest of eternity, you would think it was I, I speaking, I hearing, I 03:0167;01[A ]| making plans, for the passing hour, for the rest of eternity, whereas I am far, or in 03:0167;01[A ]| my arms somewhere, or stowed away somewhere, behind walls, a few words on 03:0167;01[A ]| the silence, then just one thing more, just one space and someone within, 03:0167;01[A ]| perhaps, until the end, I believe it, it is evening already, I call that evening, I wish 03:0167;01[A ]| you could see it, I believe it this evening, it is announced and I believe it, you 03:0167;01[A ]| announce, then you renounce, so it is, that helps you on, that helps the end to$9$ 03:0167;01[A ]| come, evenings when there is a end, I speak of evening, someone speaks of 03:0167;01[A ]| evening, perhaps it is still morning, perhaps it is still night, personally I have no 03:0167;01[A ]| opinion. They love each other, marry, in order to$9$ love each other better, more 03:0167;01[A ]| conveniently, he goes to$4$ the wars, he dies at the wars, she weeps, with emotion, 03:0167;01[A ]| at having loved him, at having lost him, yep, marries again, in order to$9$ love 03:0167;01[A ]| again, more conveniently again, they love each other, you love as 03:0168;01[A ]| many times as necessary, as necessary in order to$9$ be$1$ happy, he comes back, the 03:0168;01[A ]| other comes back, from the wars, he did not die at the wars after all, she goes to$4$ the 03:0168;01[A ]| station, to$9$ meet him, he dies in the train, of emotion, at the thought of seeing her$6$ 03:0168;01[A ]| again, having her$6$ again, 03:0168;01@@@@@| 03:0168;01[A ]| she weeps, weeps again, with emotion again, at having 03:0168;01[A ]| lost him again, yep, goes back to$4$ the house, he is dead, the other is dead, the 03:0168;01[A ]| mother-in-law takes him down, he hanged himself, with emotion, at the thought 03:0168;01[A ]| of losing her$6$, she weeps, weeps louder, at having loved him, at having lost him, 03:0168;01[A ]| there is a story for you, that was to$9$ teach me the nature of emotion, that is called 03:0168;01[A ]| emotion, what emotion can do$1$, given favourable conditions, what love can do$1$, 03:0168;01[A ]| well well, so that is emotion, that is love, and trains, the nature of trains, and the 03:0168;01[A ]| meaning of your back to$4$ the engine, and guards, stations, platforms, wars, love, 03:0168;01[A ]| heart-rending cries, that must be$1$ the mother-in-law, her$2$ cries rend the heart as 03:0168;01[A ]| she takes down her$2$ son, or her$2$ son-in-law, I do not know, it must be$1$ her$2$ son, 03:0168;01[A ]| since she cries, and the door, the house-door is bolted, when she got back from 03:0168;01[A ]| the station she found the house-door bolted, who bolted it, he the better to$9$ hang 03:0168;01[A ]| himself, or the mother-in-law the better to$9$ take him down, or to$9$ prevent her$2$ 03:0168;01[A ]| daughter-in-law from re-entering the premises, there is a story. for you, it must be$1$ 03:0168;01[A ]| the daughter-in-law, it is not the son-in-law and the daughter, it is the daughter-in-law 03:0168;01[A ]| and the son, how I reason to$9$ be$1$ sure this evening, it was to$9$ teach me how 03:0168;01[A ]| to$9$ reason, it was to$9$ tempt me to$9$ go, to$4$ the place where you can come to$4$ a end, I 03:0168;01[A ]| must have$1$ been a good pupil up to$4$ a point, I could not get beyond a certain point, I 03:0168;01[A ]| can understand their annoyance, this 03:0169;01[A ]| evening I begin to$9$ understand, oh there is no danger, it is not I, it was not I, the 03:0169;01[A ]| door, it is the door interests me, a wooden door, who bolted the door, and for 03:0169;01[A ]| what purpose, I will never know, there is a story for you, I thought they were over, 03:0169;01[A ]| perhaps it is a new one, lepping fresh, is it the return to$4$ the world of fable, no, just 03:0169;01[A ]| a reminder, to$9$ make me regret what I have lost, long to$9$ be$1$ again in the place I was 03:0169;01[A ]| banished from, unfortunately it does not remind me of anything. The silence, 03:0169;01[A ]| speak of the silence before going into it, was I there already, I do not know, at every 03:0169;01[A ]| instant I am there, listen to$4$ me speaking of it, I knew it would come, I emerge 03:0169;01[A ]| from it to$9$ speak of it, I stay in it to$9$ speak of it, if it is I who speak, and it is not, I act 03:0169;01[A ]| as if it were, sometimes I act as if it were, but at length, was I ever there at length, 03:0169;01[A ]| a long stay, I understand nothing about duration, I can not speak of it, oh I know I 03:0169;01[A ]| speak of it, I say never and ever, I speak of the four seasons and the different parts 03:0169;01[A ]| of the day and night, the night has no parts, that is because you are asleep, the 03:0169;01[A ]| seasons must be$1$ very similar, perhaps it is springtime now, that is all words they 03:0169;01[A ]| taught me, without making their meaning clear to$4$ me, that is how I learnt to$9$ 03:0169;01[A ]| reason, I use them all, all the words they showed me, there were columns of 03:0169;01[A ]| them, oh the strange glow all of a sudden, they were on lists, with images 03:0169;01[A ]| opposite, I must have$1$ forgotten them, I must have$1$ mixed them up, these 03:0169;01[A ]| nameless images I have, these imageless names, these windows I should perhaps 03:0169;01[A ]| rather call doors, at least by some other name, and this word man which is 03:0169;01[A ]| perhaps not the right one for the thing I see when I hear it, but a instant, a 03:0169;01[A ]| hour, and so on, how can they be$1$ represented, 03:0170;01[A ]| a life, how could that be$1$ made clear to$4$ me, here, in the dark, I call that the dark, 03:0170;01[A ]| perhaps it is azure, blank words, but I use them, they keep coming back, all those 03:0170;01[A ]| they showed me, all those I remember, I need them all, to$9$ be$1$ able to$9$ go on, it is a 03:0170;01[A ]| lie, a score would be$1$ plenty, tried and trusty, unforgettable, nicely varied, that 03:0170;01[A ]| would be$1$ palette enough, I would mix them, I would vary them, that would be$1$ gamut 03:0170;01[A ]| enough, all the things I would do$1$ if I could, if I wished, if I could wish, no need to$9$ 03:0170;01[A ]| wish, that is how it will end, in heart-rending cries, inarticulate murmurs, to$9$ be$1$ 03:0170;01[A ]| invented, as I go along, improvised, as I groan along, I will laugh, that is how it will 03:0170;01[A ]| end, in a chuckle, chuck chuck, ow, ha, pa, I will practise, nyum, hoo, plop, psss, 03:0170;01[A ]| nothing but emotion, bing bang, that is blows, ugh, pooh, what else, oooh, aaah, 03:0170;01[A ]| that is love, enough, it is tiring, hee hee, that is the Abderite, no, the other, in the 03:0170;01[A ]| end, it is the end, the ending end, it is the silence, a few gurgles on the silence, the 03:0170;01[A ]| real silence, not the one where I macerate up to$4$ the mouth, up to$4$ the ear, that 03:0170;01[A ]| covers me, uncovers me, breathes with me, like a cat with a mouse, that of the 03:0170;01[A ]| drowned, I have drowned, more than once, it was not I, suffocated, set fire to$4$ me, 03:0170;01[A ]| thumped on my head with wood and iron, it was not I, there was no head, no 03:0170;01[A ]| wood, no iron, I did not do$1$ anything to$4$ me, I did not do$1$ anything to$4$ anyone, no one 03:0170;01[A ]| did anything to$4$ me, there is no one, I have looked, no one but me, no, not me 03:0170;01[A ]| either, I have looked everywhere, there must be$1$ someone, the voice must belong to$4$ 03:0170;01[A ]| someone, I have no objection, what it wants I want, I am it, I have said so, it says so, 03:0170;01[A ]| from time to$4$ time it says so, then it says not, I have no objection, I want it 03:0171;01[A ]| to$9$ go silent, it wants to$9$ go silent, it can not, it does for a second, then it starts again, 03:0171;01[A ]| that is not the real silence, it says that is not the real silence, what can be$1$ said of the 03:0171;01[A ]| real silence, I do not know, that I do not know what it is, that there is no such thing, 03:0171;01[A ]| that perhaps there is such a thing, yes, that perhaps there is, somewhere, I will 03:0171;01[A ]| never know. But when it falters and when it stops, but it falters every instant, it 03:0171;01[A ]| stops every instant, yes, but when it stops for a good few moments, a good few 03:0171;01[A ]| moments, what are a good few moments, what then, murmurs, then it must be$1$ 03:0171;01[A ]| murmurs, and listening, someone listening, no need of a ear, no need of a 03:0171;01[A ]| mouth, the voice listens, as when it speaks, listens to$4$ its silence, that makes a 03:0171;01[A ]| murmur, that makes a voice, a small voice, the same voice only small, it sticks in 03:0171;01[A ]| the throat, there is the throat again, there is the mouth again, it fills the ear, there is 03:0171;01[A ]| the ear again, then I vomit, someone vomits, someone starts vomiting again, 03:0171;01[A ]| that must be$1$ how it happens, I have no explanations to$9$ offer, none to$9$ demand, 03:0171;01[A ]| the comma will come where I will drown for good, then the silence, I believe it this 03:0171;01[A ]| evening, still this evening, how it drags on, I have no objection, perhaps it is 03:0171;01[A ]| springtime violets, no, that is autumn, there is a time for everything, for the 03:0171;01[A ]| things that pass, the things that end, they could never get me to$9$ understand that, 03:0171;01[A ]| the things that stir, depart, return, a light changing, they could never get me to$9$ 03:0171;01[A ]| see that, and death into the bargain, a voice dying, that is a good one, silence at 03:0171;01[A ]| last, not a murmur, no air, no one listening, not for the likes of me, amen, on we 03:0171;01[A ]| go. Enormous prison, like a hundred thousand cathedrals, never anything else 03:0171;01[A ]| any more, from 03:0172;01[A ]| this time forth, and in it, somewhere, perhaps, riveted, tiny, the prisoner, how 03:0172;01[A ]| can he be$1$ found, how false this space is, what falseness instantly, to$9$ want to$9$ draw 03:0172;01[A ]| that round you, to$9$ want to$9$ put a being there, a cell would be$1$ plenty, if I gave up, if 03:0172;01[A ]| only I could give up, before beginning, before beginning again, what 03:0172;01[A ]| breathlessness, that is right, ejaculations, that helps you on, that puts off the fatal 03:0172;01[A ]| hour, no, the reverse, I do not know, start again, in this immensity, this obscurity, 03:0172;01[A ]| go through the motions of starting again, you who can not stir, you who never 03:0172;01[A ]| started, you the who, go through the motions, what motions, you can not stir, you 03:0172;01[A ]| launch your voice, it dies away in the vault, it calls that a vault, perhaps it is the 03:0172;01[A ]| abyss, those are words, it speaks of a prison, I have no objection, vast enough for a 03:0172;01[A ]| whole people, for me alone, or waiting for me, I will go there now, I will try and go 03:0172;01[A ]| there now, I can not stir, I am there already, I must be$1$ there already, perhaps I am not 03:0172;01[A ]| alone, perhaps a whole people is here, and the voice its voice, coming to$4$ me 03:0172;01[A ]| fitfully, we would have$1$ lived, been free a moment, now we talk about it, each one 03:0172;01[A ]| to$4$ himself, each one out loud for himself, and we listen, a whole people, talking 03:0172;01[A ]| and listening, all together, that would ex, no, I am alone, perhaps the first, or 03:0172;01[A ]| perhaps the last, talking alone, listening alone, alone alone, the others are gone, 03:0172;01[A ]| they have been stilled, their voices stilled, their listening stilled, one by one, at 03:0172;01[A ]| each new-coming, another will come, I will not be$1$ the last, I will be$1$ with the others, 03:0172;01[A ]| I will be$1$ as gone, in the silence, it will not be$1$ I, it is not I, I am not there yet, I will go there 03:0172;01[A ]| now, I will try and go there now, no use trying, I wait for my turn, my turn to$9$ go 03:0172;01[A ]| there, my turn to$9$ talk there, my turn to$9$ 03:0173;01[A ]| listen there, my turn to$9$ wait there for my turn to$9$ go, to$9$ be$1$ as gone, it is 03:0173;01[A ]| unending, it will be$1$ unending, gone where, where do you go from there, you 03:0173;01[A ]| must go somewhere else, wait somewhere else, for your turn to$9$ go again, and so 03:0173;01[A ]| on, a whole people, or I alone, and come back, and begin again, no, go on, go on 03:0173;01[A ]| again, it is a circuit, a long circuit, I know it well, I must know it well, it is a lie, I 03:0173;01[A ]| can not stir, I have not stirred, I launch the voice, I hear a voice, there is nowhere but 03:0173;01[A ]| here, there are not two places, there are not two prisons, it is my parlour, it is a 03:0173;01[A ]| parlour, where I wait for nothing, I do not know where it is, I do not know what it is 03:0173;01[A ]| like, that is no business of mine, I do not know if it is big, or if it is small, or if it is 03:0173;01[A ]| closed, or if it is open, that is right, reiterate, that helps you on, open on what, 03:0173;01[A ]| there is nothing else, only it, open on the void, open on the nothing, I have no 03:0173;01[A ]| objection, those are words, open on the silence, looking out on the silence, 03:0173;01[A ]| straight out, why not, all this time on the brink of silence, I knew it, on a rock, 03:0173;01[A ]| lashed to$4$ a rock, in the midst of silence, its great swell rears towards me, I am 03:0173;01[A ]| streaming with it, it is a image, those are words, it is a body, it is not I, I knew it 03:0173;01[A ]| would not be$1$ I, I am not outside, I am inside, I am in something, I am shut up, the 03:0173;01[A ]| silence is outside, outside, inside, there is nothing but here, and the silence 03:0173;01[A ]| outside, nothing but this voice and the silence all round, no need of walls, yes, we 03:0173;01[A ]| must have$1$ walls, I need walls, good and thick, I need a prison, I was right, for me 03:0173;01[A ]| alone, I will go there now, I will put me in it, I am there already, I will start looking for 03:0173;01[A ]| me now, I am there somewhere, it will not be$1$ I, no matter, I will say$1$ it is I, perhaps it 03:0173;01[A ]| will be$1$ I, perhaps that is all they are waiting for, there 03:0174;01[A ]| they are again, to$9$ give me quittance, waiting for me to$9$ say$1$ I am someone, to$9$ say$1$ 03:0174;01[A ]| I am somewhere, to$9$ put me out, into the silence 03:0174;01@@@@@| 03:0174;01[A ]| I see nothing, it is because there is 03:0174;01[A ]| nothing, or it is because I have no eyes, or both, that makes three possibilities, to$9$ 03:0174;01[A ]| choose from, but do I really see nothing, it is not the moment to$9$ tell a lie, but how 03:0174;01[A ]| can you not tell a lie, what a idea, a voice like this, who can check it, it tries 03:0174;01[A ]| everything, it is blind, it seeks me blindly, in the dark, it seeks a mouth, to$9$ enter 03:0174;01[A ]| into, who can query it, there is no other, you would need a head, you would need things, I 03:0174;01[A ]| do not know, I look too often as if I knew, it is the voice does that, it goes all 03:0174;01[A ]| knowing, to$9$ make me think I know, to$9$ make me think it is mine, it has no 03:0174;01[A ]| interest in eyes, it says I have none, or that they are no use to$4$ me, then it speaks of 03:0174;01[A ]| tears, then it speaks of gleams, it is truly at a loss, gleams, yes, far, or near, 03:0174;01[A ]| distances, you know, measurements, enough said, gleams, as at dawn, then dying, 03:0174;01[A ]| as at evening, or flaring up, they do that too, blaze up more dazzling than snow, 03:0174;01[A ]| for a second, that is short, then fizzle out, that is true enough, if you like, one 03:0174;01[A ]| forgets, I forget, I say I see nothing, or I say it is all in my head, as if I felt a head on 03:0174;01[A ]| me, that is all hypotheses, lies, these gleams too, they were to$9$ save me, they were 03:0174;01[A ]| to$9$ devour me, that came to$4$ nothing, I see nothing, either because of this or else 03:0174;01[A ]| on account of that, and these images at which they watered me, like a camel, 03:0174;01[A ]| before the desert, I do not know, more lies, just for the fun of it, fun, what fun 03:0174;01[A ]| we have had, what fun of it, all lies, that is soon said, you must say$1$ soon, it is the 03:0174;01[A ]| regulations. The place, I will make it all the same, I will make it in my head, I will draw 03:0174;01[A ]| it out of my memory, I will gather it all about me, I will 03:0175;01[A ]| make myself a head, I will make myself a memory, I have only to$9$ listen, the voice 03:0175;01[A ]| will tell me everything, tell it to$4$ me again, everything I need, in dribs and drabs, 03:0175;01[A ]| breathless, it is like a confession, a last confession, you think it is finished, then it 03:0175;01[A ]| starts off again, there were so many sins, the memory is so bad, the words do not 03:0175;01[A ]| come, the words fail, the breath fails, no, it is something else, it is a indictment, a 03:0175;01[A ]| dying voice accusing, accusing me, you must accuse someone, a culprit is 03:0175;01[A ]| indispensable, it speaks of my sins, it speaks of my head, it says it is mine, it says 03:0175;01[A ]| that I repent, that I want to$9$ be$1$ punished, better than I am, that I want to$9$ go, give 03:0175;01[A ]| myself up, a victim is essential, I have only to$9$ listen, it will show me my hiding-place, 03:0175;01[A ]| what it is like, where the door is, if there is a door, and whereabouts I am in 03:0175;01[A ]| it, and what lies between us, how the land lies, what kind of country, whether it is 03:0175;01[A ]| sea, or whether it is mountain, and the way to$9$ take, so that I may go, make my 03:0175;01[A ]| escape, give myself up, come to$4$ the place where the axe falls, without further 03:0175;01[A ]| ceremony, on all who come from here, I am not the first, I will not be$1$ the first, it will 03:0175;01[A ]| best me in the end, it has bested better than me, it will tell me what to$9$ do$1$, in order 03:0175;01[A ]| to$9$ rise, move, act like a body endowed with despair, that is how I reason, that is 03:0175;01[A ]| how I hear myself reasoning, all lies, it is not me they are calling, not me they are 03:0175;01[A ]| talking about, it is not yet my turn, it is someone else's turn, that is why I can not stir, 03:0175;01[A ]| that is why I do not feel a body on me, I am not suffering enough yet, it is not yet my 03:0175;01[A ]| turn, not suffering enough to$9$ be$1$ able to$9$ stir, to$9$ have$1$ a body, complete with head, 03:0175;01[A ]| to$9$ be$1$ able to$9$ understand, to$9$ have$1$ eyes to$9$ light the way, I merely hear, without 03:0175;01[A ]| understanding, without being able to$9$ 03:0176;01[A ]| profit by it, by what I hear, to$9$ do$1$ what, to$9$ rise and go and be$1$ done with hearing, I 03:0176;01[A ]| do not hear everything, that must be$1$ it, the important things escape me, it is not 03:0176;01[A ]| my turn, the topographical and anatomical information in particular is lost on 03:0176;01[A ]| me, no, I hear everything, what difference does it make, the moment it is not my 03:0176;01[A ]| turn, my turn to$9$ understand, my turn to$9$ live, my turn of the lifescrew, it calls 03:0176;01[A ]| that living, the space of the way from here to$4$ the door, it is all there, in what I 03:0176;01[A ]| hear, somewhere, if all has been said, all this long time, all must have$1$ been said, 03:0176;01[A ]| but it is not my turn to$9$ know what, to$9$ know what I am, where I am, and what I 03:0176;01[A ]| should do$1$ to$9$ stop being it, to$9$ stop being there, that is coherent, so as to$9$ be$1$ another, 03:0176;01[A ]| no, the same, I do not know, depart into life, travel the road, find the door, find 03:0176;01[A ]| the axe, perhaps it is a cord, for the neck, for the throat, for the cords, or fingers, I will 03:0176;01[A ]| have$1$ eyes, I will see fingers, it will be$1$ the silence, perhaps it is a drop, find the door, 03:0176;01[A ]| open the door, drop, into the silence, it will not be$1$ I, I will stay here, or there, more 03:0176;01[A ]| likely there, it will never be$1$ I, that is all I know, it is all been done already, said and 03:0176;01[A ]| said again, the departure, the body that rises, the way, in colour, the arrival, the 03:0176;01[A ]| door that opens, closes again, it was never I, I have never stirred, I have listened, I 03:0176;01[A ]| must have$1$ spoken, why deny it, why not admit it, after all, I deny nothing, I 03:0176;01[A ]| admit nothing, I say what I hear, I hear what I say, I do not know, one or the other, 03:0176;01[A ]| or both, that makes three possibilities, pick your fancy, all these stories about 03:0176;01[A ]| travellers, these stories about paralytics, all are mine, I must be$1$ extremely old, or 03:0176;01[A ]| it is memory playing tricks, if only I knew if I have lived, if I live, if I will live, that 03:0176;01[A ]| would simplify everything, impossible to$9$ 03:0177;01[A ]| find out, that is where you are buggered, I have not stirred, that is all I know, no, I 03:0177;01[A ]| know something else, it is not I, I always forget that, I resume, you must resume, 03:0177;01[A ]| never stirred from here, never stopped telling stories, to$4$ myself, hardly hearing 03:0177;01[A ]| them, hearing something else, listening for something else, wondering now and 03:0177;01[A ]| then where I got them from, was I in the land of the living, were they in mine, 03:0177;01[A ]| and where, where do I store them, in my head, I do not feel a head on me, and 03:0177;01[A ]| what do I tell them with, with my mouth, same remark, and what do I hear them 03:0177;01[A ]| with, and so on, the old rigmarole, it can not be$1$ I, or it is because I pay no heed, it is 03:0177;01[A ]| such a old habit, I do it without heeding, or as if I were somewhere else, there I 03:0177;01[A ]| am far again, there I am the absentee again, it is his turn again now, he who 03:0177;01[A ]| neither speaks nor listens, who has neither body nor soul, it is something else he 03:0177;01[A ]| has, he must have$1$ something, he must be$1$ somewhere, he is made of silence, 03:0177;01[A ]| there is a pretty analysis, he is in the silence, he is the one to$9$ be$1$ sought, the one to$9$ 03:0177;01[A ]| be$1$, the one to$9$ be$1$ spoken of, the one to$9$ speak, but he can not speak, then I could stop, 03:0177;01[A ]| I would be$1$ he, I would be$1$ the silence, I would be$1$ back in the silence, we would be$1$ reunited, his story 03:0177;01[A ]| the story to$9$ be$1$ told, but he has no story, he has not been in story, it is not certain, 03:0177;01[A ]| he is in his own story, unimaginable, unspeakable, that does not matter, the 03:0177;01[A ]| attempt must be$1$ made, in the old stories incomprehensibly mine, to$9$ find his, it 03:0177;01[A ]| must be$1$ there somewhere, it must have$1$ been mine, before being his, I will 03:0177;01[A ]| recognize it, in the end I will recognize it, the story of the silence that he never left, 03:0177;01[A ]| that I should never have$1$ left, that I may never find again, that I may find again, 03:0177;01[A ]| then it will be$1$ he, it will be$1$ I, it will be$1$ the place, the silence, the end, 03:0178;01[A ]| the beginning, the beginning again, how can I say$1$ it, that is all words, they are all 03:0178;01[A ]| I have, and not many of them, the words fail, the voice fails, so be$1$ it, I know that 03:0178;01[A ]| well, it will be$1$ the silence, full of murmurs, distant cries, the usual silence, spent 03:0178;01[A ]| listening, spent waiting, waiting for the voice, the cries abate, like all cries, that is 03:0178;01[A ]| to$9$ say$1$ they stop, the murmurs cease, they give up, the voice begins again, it begins 03:0178;01[A ]| trying again, quick now before there is none left, no voice left, nothing left but the 03:0178;01[A ]| core of murmurs, distant cries, quick now and try again, with the words that 03:0178;01[A ]| remain, try what, I do not know, I have forgotten, it does not matter, I never knew, to$9$ 03:0178;01[A ]| have$1$ them carry me into my story, the words that remain, my old story, which 03:0178;01[A ]| I have forgotten, far from here, through the noise, through the door, into the 03:0178;01[A ]| silence, that must be$1$ it, it is too late, perhaps it is too late, perhaps they have, how 03:0178;01[A ]| would I know, in the silence you do not know, perhaps it is the door, perhaps I am 03:0178;01[A ]| at the door, that would surprise me, perhaps it is I, perhaps somewhere or other it 03:0178;01[A ]| was I, I can depart, all this time I have journeyed without knowing it, it is I now at 03:0178;01[A ]| the door, what door, what is a door doing here, it is the last words, the true last, or 03:0178;01[A ]| it is the murmurs, the murmurs are coming, I know that well, no, not even that, 03:0178;01[A ]| you talk of murmurs, distant cries, as long as you can talk, you talk of them before 03:0178;01[A ]| and you talk of them after, more lies, it will be$1$ the silence, the one that does not 03:0178;01[A ]| last, spent listening, spent waiting, for it to$9$ be$1$ broken, for the voice to$9$ break it, 03:0178;01[A ]| perhaps there is no other, I do not know, it is not worth having, that is all I know, 03:0178;01[A ]| it is not I, that is all I know, it is not mine, it is the only one I ever had, that is a lie, I 03:0178;01[A ]| must have$1$ had the 03:0179;01[A ]| other, the one that lasts, but it did not last, I do not understand, that is to$9$ say$1$ it did, 03:0179;01[A ]| it still lasts, I am still in it, I left myself behind in it, I am waiting for me there, no, 03:0179;01[A ]| there you do not wait, you do not listen, I do not know, perhaps it is a dream, all a 03:0179;01[A ]| dream, that would surprise me, I will wake, in the silence, and never sleep again, it 03:0179;01[A ]| will be$1$ I, or dream, dream again, dream of a silence, a dream silence, full of 03:0179;01[A ]| murmurs, I do not know, that is all words, never wake, all words, there is nothing 03:0179;01[A ]| else, you must go on, that is all I know, they are going to$9$ stop, I know that well, I 03:0179;01[A ]| can feel it, they are going to$9$ abandon me, it will be$1$ the silence, for a moment, a 03:0179;01[A ]| good few moments, or it will be$1$ mine, the lasting one, that did not last, that still 03:0179;01[A ]| lasts, it will be$1$ I, you must go on, I can not go on, you must go on, I will go on, you 03:0179;01[A ]| must say$1$ words, as long as there are any, until they find me, until they say me, 03:0179;01[A ]| strange pain, strange sin, you must go on, perhaps it is done already, perhaps they 03:0179;01[A ]| have said me already, perhaps they have carried me to$4$ the threshold of my story, 03:0179;01[A ]| before the door that opens on my story, that would surprise me, if it opens, it will 03:0179;01[A ]| be$1$ I, it will be$1$ the silence, where I am, I do not know, I will never know, in the 03:0179;01[A ]| silence you do not know, you must go on, I can not go on, I will go on.